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i'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting

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(440): Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?

(1-440): because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?

 

 

(850): It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking

 

 

 

(818): We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier

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(314): Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.

(314): Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..

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(714): Ikea night.

(949): ?

(714): Insert tab A into swedish slot B

 

 

(205): woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers

(1-205): yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....

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Yeah, can we please keep it rolling?! My work blocks textsfromlastnite, but it does NOT block SA!! Got em fooled, haha.

 

My favorite one ever was:

 

"Aww you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!!!"

 

Been there :)

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(650): so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.

(415): What...you let him do that?

(650): It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow

 

 

 

(978): Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave

(617): dude are you serious?

(978): I know you already have a pic on your phone

 

 

(832): Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!

(864): Because men are children

(832): Touche

 

 

 

(949): Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami

 

(757): I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"

 

 

 

(931): I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes

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(714): I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.

 

(972): Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.

 

(716): why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross

(860): its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary

(716): i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal

 

(909): I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.

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(251): Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance

(303): It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.

 

 

Chuck Norris, he'll rule the universe!

 

 

(317): ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.

 

 

(860): i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.

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(719): Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.

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(734): I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u

 

 

(734): just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"

 

 

 

(703): Can i come over

(240): After you called me a desperate slut? No

(240): Come over

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(970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(403): If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me

 

(225): he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?

 

(610): thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with

(217): well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment

 

(334): I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.

(205): Win!

 

(859): Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.

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(914): she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.

 

(615): Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?

 

(403): If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me

 

(508): she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.

 

(313): So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?

 

(908): we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.

(1-908): you should have been aborted.

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(203): There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go

(860): Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head

 

That's a classic. There isn't a woman in the world that doesn't think that she has mad skills in that department, even when getting a hint that is about as subtle as a bull in a china shop.

 

OMFG! That's hillarious....

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(301): she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying

(203): but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she

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(202): i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.

 

 

(586): I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.

 

 

(347): my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand

 

 

(502): WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!

 

 

(608): Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth

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(847): he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.

(1-847): you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.

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(703): fucking a dude

(703): i mean: fucking a, dude

(703): wow, that comma made all the difference there

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(502): WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!

That one needs to be on a regatta T-shirt.

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I may never let my teen leave the house again! :(

And it took Textsfromlastnight to bring you to that conclusion, after years on SA? I am disappointed in our effort(s).

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I may never let my teen leave the house again! :(

And it took Textsfromlastnight to bring you to that conclusion, after years on SA? I am disappointed in our effort(s).

:lol: Good point.

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(949): Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami

 

holy mackeral, that's funny ...

 

727): So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend

(1-727): Awkward

 

 

509): My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?

(541): It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.

 

 

(414): so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.

(262): you're right

 

 

(908)): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.

 

 

(778): You're perfectly engineered for doggy style

 

 

(909): It must have been true love

(604): I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other

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(812): My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

 

 

(843): happy early fathers day!!!

(829): im not a father

(843): about that...

 

 

 

 

(843): I think im pregnant

(803): I think you have the wrong number

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She said, "you have a beautifully shaped cock, small, but beautiful." I don't know how I feel about this.

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(901): Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.

(376): you are insane

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(732): Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...

 

 

(972): He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.

 

 

 

(913): My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.

 

 

(216): let's bang

(773): You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.

 

 

(940): Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.

 

 

(440): i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth

(330): well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth

 

 

 

(856): I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.

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(845): If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.

 

 

(925): just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.

 

 

 

(905): She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.

(416): Got yourself a keeper right there.

 

 

(956): I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward

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(720): well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?

 

 

(601): i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"

 

 

(651): After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive

 

 

(603): five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.

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(513): I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.

(1-513): trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.

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(971): I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.

 

--------------

 

(216): you turned your livingroom into a bong?

 

--------------

 

(352): Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.

 

--------------

 

(440): Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.

 

--------------

 

(425): Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?

(1-425): I hate you

 

--------------

 

New word for this crowd here:

 

(610): my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"

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(336): haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?

(919): i cant lie to you.

 

 

(484): he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him

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(607): so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.

 

 

(507): As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.

 

 

 

(936): what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?

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(916): OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads

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(724): I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.

(1-724): You need to find a taint.

 

(860): he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep

(860): yeah i got into a fight with my man last night

(860): why can't men just shut up and put out?

 

(402): I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".

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I'm sorry if it's just all too 'this minute', but some of these are fuckin' hilarious:

 

(215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

 

(250): I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.

 

(508): Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after

 

(818): It's like a parade of train wrecks.

 

(817): I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!

 

(416): Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up

 

and the best -

 

(775): What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?

(1-775): A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!

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(714): she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.

 

 

(551): Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead

(201): NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"

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(313): That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.

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(716): you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.

 

 

(347): Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.

 

(817): i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole

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I was at Jobbie Nooner, there were dozens of chicks like this:

 

(248): girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing

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(416): Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.

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this had to be a sailor

 

 

(951): Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.

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this had to be a sailor

 

 

(951): Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.

 

Sailor? No.

 

Salve Regina slut? YES!

 

Or do you commonly find yourself with a mouth full of semen in the morning? :unsure:

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this had to be a sailor

 

 

(951): Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.

 

Sailor? No.

 

Salve Regina slut? YES!

 

Or do you commonly find yourself with a mouth full of semen in the morning? :unsure:

 

 

Hadn't thought of that, it could have been a Salve girl, that fits their MO from when I was a kid.......now it seems like everyone wants to come to town and do that stuff, though....

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(571): final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself

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(305): My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.

 

 

(217): i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.

 

 

(843): he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number

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my fav

 

(713): Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.

 

oh &

 

(510): called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?

(1-510): you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.

 

&

 

(314): Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl

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this had to be a sailor

 

 

(951): Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.

 

 

"Leftover" semen??? Ladies.... If its in your mouth, what other kind is there?

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this had to be the work of a sailor

 

 

(951): Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.

 

Fixed it for you :P

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(905): Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich

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(905): Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich

 

 

OMG! I just about spit up pizza and coke all over my laptop. :lol::lol:

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(905): Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich

 

 

brilliant...

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(612): I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.

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(508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

 

 

(225): I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.

(504): Who won?

(225): All of them

 

 

(321): Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.

(1-321): he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.

(321): no his phone, idiot.

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here's a new sight ... enjoy..

 

FML

 

Today, I went to my 7 year old son's school for a conference with his teacher. When I got there, the teacher said "she adored me for who and what I am". I was puzzled. Turns out my son told his class that I am a "lesbian American." Wrong. I'm Lebanese-American. FML

 

 

 

Today, I went on my honeymoon to Hawaii. My family decided to surprise my new husband and I by joining us on our vacation. FML

 

Today, my daughter asked me what the youngest age you should start having sex is, being a good mother I said that she shouldn't have sex until after she's been married. My daughter then said, "Oh...shoot." and walked away. My daughter is twelve. FML

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(847): I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): How was it?

(847): Fantastic, but that's not the point.

 

(201): I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): Tie

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(415) You're a very attractive woman, but you are completely inaccessible. You're all about comfort and efficiency.

(916) What's wrong with comfort and efficiency?

(415) Well, nothing, except no one wants to f**K it.

 

 

(210): cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens

 

(612): I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.

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(508): Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized

(914): No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."

 

 

 

(215): Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have

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(215): Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have

 

yeah, and that makes it official, we should change the name of this country to the United States of Rome.

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(415): I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?

(510): I hope so

 

(919): The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.

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(415): I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?

(510): I hope so

 

Not to sound like a killjoy or old fart - but has drug use and getting high pretty much become the norm these days? Is it just a weekend thing like going out and getting drunk on a Friday or Sat night - or do people just sit around and get high everynight?

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(415): I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?

(510): I hope so

 

Not to sound like a killjoy or old fart - but has drug use and getting high pretty much become the norm these days? Is it just a weekend thing like going out and getting drunk on a Friday or Sat night - or do people just sit around and get high everynight?

 

It's nowhere near a new phenomenon. Back in the early 80s I had a bunch of friends in college who stayed toasted 24/7.

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(215): Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have

 

yeah, and that makes it official, we should change the name of this country to the United States of Rome.

 

You hear Nero in the distance too? ;)

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has drug use and getting high pretty much become the norm these days

 

If you include alcohol as a drug, I'd have to say.... pretty much YES for the past 2,000+ years !

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has drug use and getting high pretty much become the norm these days

 

If you include alcohol as a drug, I'd have to say.... pretty much YES for the past 2,000+ years !

 

 

 

No, I'm not including alcohol - given that its legal. I'm not trying to start a debate about whether pot or acid or whatever should be legalized - just that it seems that the disregard for the fact that its illegal has gotten to be the norm. Its talked about so openly as if its a normal thing.

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[

No, I'm not including alcohol - given that its legal. I'm not trying to start a debate about whether pot or acid or whatever should be legalized - just that it seems that the disregard for the fact that its illegal has gotten to be the norm. Its talked about so openly as if its a normal thing.

 

 

 

 

I think you pretty much got it from the demographic group that would be posting on a site like “textfromlastnight” Getting high legal or not would be the norm. The good news is most of them are most likely collage age or younger and will hopefully grow up to be responsible (somewhat) adults!!

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(315): So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.

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has drug use and getting high pretty much become the norm these days

 

If you include alcohol as a drug, I'd have to say.... pretty much YES for the past 2,000+ years !

 

 

 

No, I'm not including alcohol - given that its legal. I'm not trying to start a debate about whether pot or acid or whatever should be legalized - just that it seems that the disregard for the fact that its illegal has gotten to be the norm. Its talked about so openly as if its a normal thing.

 

 

Does this answer your question?

 

(205): i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"

(1-205): if you ask that question again our friendship is over

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has drug use and getting high pretty much become the norm these days

 

If you include alcohol as a drug, I'd have to say.... pretty much YES for the past 2,000+ years !

 

 

 

No, I'm not including alcohol - given that its legal. I'm not trying to start a debate about whether pot or acid or whatever should be legalized - just that it seems that the disregard for the fact that its illegal has gotten to be the norm. Its talked about so openly as if its a normal thing.

I bet half or more of these texts are fake.

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(818): She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?

 

(519): why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?

 

(215): omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina

 

(206): i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.

(425): for sure. did you let him do it?

(206): thats not the point.

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(949): It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.

 

 

(952): He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.

 

 

(410): I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk

 

 

(515): I wish facebook had a fuck off button.

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(206): Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.

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(847): he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since

 

Anyone seen Wreck?

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(407): you definitely have a few illegitimate kids

(1-407): probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine

 

 

 

(515): they need to just BURY HIM!

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(917): yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.

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