Sign in to follow this  
aA

i'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting

Recommended Posts

Jagermeister

Rumple Minze

Tequila

 

jack, jim and jose is the traditional 3 wise men

Add some Johnny Walker and you've got the 4 horsemen.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

yo, nacrasomethinorother, was this you?....

 

(954): Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
(704): Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends

(704): Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.

 

Elle, is that you???? :lol:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(435): Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood

 

 

(937): wtf. i just found you're porn stash.

(1-937): u like it?

(937): NOT THE POINT.

 

 

(616): who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(843): so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy

(1-843): i am grossed the fuck out

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(904): How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(508): Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu

(781): So you're taking me there this weekend?

(508): oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(706): Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.

 

Does this sound like anyone around here? :ph34r:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

that bitch!

 

would be pretty funny if it actually was someone from here... let me rephrase that, its probably someone on here making a joke.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
that bitch!

 

would be pretty funny if it actually was someone from here... let me rephrase that, its probably someone on here making a joke.

 

 

Who's from the Georgia area?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(269): Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(219): Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(510): You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...

 

(630): Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?

 

 

(248): @ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu <3

(1-248): please stop breathing.

 

(818): my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you

 

(941): Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.

(1-941): That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(774): im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
(941): Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.

(1-941): That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.

 

 

wtf, so thats how Sarasota goes down on the www. Great. Just fucking great.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(253): is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(217): we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.

 

 

(813): There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it

 

 

(602): you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!

 

(985): for one dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(519): I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
(519): I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.

Never heard of the "motorboat" until I saw this and looked it up on Urban Dictionary. Beauty.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
You gotta remember how old Sol is.

 

Freakin' fossil he is.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Freakin' fossil he is.

Absolutely ancient.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(503): I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"

 

 

(816): Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina

 

 

(267): I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.

 

 

(770): I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(240): Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra

 

 

(512): She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.

 

(415): i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

732): So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?

 

 

 

(484): Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry

 

 

630): shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.

(1-630): you dont need a face to have sex

 

 

(703): I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.

 

 

(503): I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.

 

 

(708): We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.

 

 

(630): there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'

 

 

(503): it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.

 

 

(757): You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hummm and Clean is in jail

 

(631): And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Hummm and Clean is in jail

 

(631): And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.

 

Unfortunately thats Long Island, but hey, there's guys out there from LI racing the Mac. :lol:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Hummm and Clean is in jail

 

(631): And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.

 

Unfortunately thats Long Island, but hey, there's guys out there from LI racing the Mac. :lol:

 

 

I am pretty sure that Clean is originally from Long Island. Things that make you go Hmmmm.....

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Hummm and Clean is in jail

 

(631): And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.

 

Unfortunately thats Long Island, but hey, there's guys out there from LI racing the Mac. :lol:

 

 

I am pretty sure that Clean is originally from Long Island. Things that make you go Hmmmm.....

 

You guys are friggen brutal.

 

They say I'M bad.....

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(405): I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome

 

 

(530): You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.

 

(386): i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(410): So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.

 

 

 

 

 

(630): I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!

(317): Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?

(630): Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(818): question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?

 

 

 

(719): then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(336): Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(412): i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes

 

 

(651): Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.

 

 

(954): my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him

 

 

(407): i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"

 

 

(620): How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?

 

 

(519): i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(314): So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.

 

617): dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.

 

 

(902): and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

 

(619): just caught grandpa beating off in the living room

 

(281): had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(318): We are so in love

(504): so when's the next time you get to see your balls

 

(201): I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.

 

(773): I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.

 

(646): he just put it in my mouth and said "go"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(208): Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(909): I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(850): when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(510): he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): and you said?

(510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

 

 

 

(214): Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

 

 

(215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(850): TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.

(407): i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(703): i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!

(804): Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!

(703): well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(716): You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.

 

(904): i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(561): i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(778): Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.

 

(410): In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"

 

(918): Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?

(305): Its worth a shot.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(708): so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.

 

 

(916): and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse

 

 

(936): My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.

 

 

(502): Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.

 

 

(815): I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen

 

 

(904): When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"

 

 

(503): i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.

 

 

(734): It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever

 

 

(985): If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.

 

 

562): ...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are

 

 

(573): Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?

 

 

(416): What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I had to look up my area code and found these gems...

 

(301): she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying

(203): but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she

 

(203): She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.

 

(203): my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.

 

(203): I think my fart just growled at me.

 

(203): How did you manage that?

(860): Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis

(203): lol... jersey girls rock

 

(203): these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

708): We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

612): Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls

(763): is that a poem?!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(416): Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home

 

(416): I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...

 

(416): Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!

 

(780): school has made you so classy.

(514): that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.

 

(905): In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience

 

(905): She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.

(416): Got yourself a keeper right there.

 

(617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A couple from our local area code...

 

(650): It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases

 

(650): I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.

 

(650): i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick

 

(650): i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!

(408): Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...

 

(650): Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(281): Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

 

 

(215): epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.

 

 

(209): kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.

 

 

(403): i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option

 

 

(215): mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day

(267): I know she was great

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(954): I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
(954): I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza

Ah 954. There's no place like home.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
(954): I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza

Ah 954. There's no place like home.

 

 

 

Did you wind up with the Pac Man pizza?? Some little shit shows up at my door stoned and trying to pan off a ½ eaten pizza I’m confiscating his weed and sending him back for a new pie!!!!

 

:)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
(954): I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza

Ah 954. There's no place like home.

 

 

 

Did you wind up with the Pac Man pizza?? Some little shit shows up at my door stoned and trying to pan off a ½ eaten pizza I’m confiscating his weed and sending him back for a new pie!!!!

 

:)

His story would have been much more amusing had the delivery reached my abode....

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(516): Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.

 

(865): he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.

 

(703): My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?

 

(518): I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.

 

(248): thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.

 

(414): it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth

 

(623): If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope

 

(480): so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(778): Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?

 

(407): me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun

 

(757): Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy

 

(702): the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.

 

(+31): I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.

 

(908): i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less

 

I wonder if this last one is from the 800m runner - (678): No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Here's some gems from Vegas:

 

(702): Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?

(1-702): You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.

 

(702): I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless

 

(702): I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever

 

(702): I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(410): A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.

(410): and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

best yet:

 

(609): He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
best yet:

 

(609): He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.

 

609 = South Jersey.

 

'nuff said.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(619): you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny,

last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog

(716): do you not see the irony in that??

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(847): just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'

 

(718): no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.

 

(860): Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

 

 

(920): My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...

 

 

(407): I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(503): when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(702) I called my wife a cunt. Hillarity did NOT ensue....

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(610): just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...

 

 

(515): he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.

 

 

(410): best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend

 

 

(631): im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(423): He played with my vagina like it was a turntable

 

(407): I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises

 

(503): He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.

(1-503): Marry him

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(214): dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): pete, this is still bryce's mom

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(202): therell be strippers and coke right?

(703): no strippers. just coke.

(202): i hate this fuckin recession

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(972): The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?

 

(705): How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?

(1-705): I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.

 

(405): If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.

 

(651): my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego

 

(573): worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites