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i'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting

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(724): I found out she cheated on me b4 she knew I knew so the very last time we had sex I "accidently" stuck it in her ass and moaned her bestfriends name when I came. ;)

 

 

(269): dude she's married.

(1-269): so? a ring don't cover no holes.

{reference the mate poaching study thread here}

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(810): we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.

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(678): so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.

 

 

(760): I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart

(508): These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work

 

 

(404): Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.

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(480): You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone

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(978): why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"

 

 

and in a somewhat related post

 

 

(773): If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?

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(978): why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"

 

 

and in a somewhat related post

 

 

(773): If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?

 

The "mmhmhmhmmm" is why I ask the questions.

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(386): there is honestly nothing more embarassing than the walk of shame leaving that frat house at noon the next day.

(813): sure there is, they sent me the pictures.

 

(309): I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.

(309): "I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.

 

(312): Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.

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(636): So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.

 

 

Ah Natty Light. The staple of every college student. Best pong beer there is.

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(636): So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.

 

 

Ah Natty Light. The staple of every college student. Best pong beer there is.

I liked Busch. Back in the day, it was around 5 bucks per case.

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(309): I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.

(309): "I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.

 

OMFG! I think we have a winner. :lol:

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(636): So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.

 

 

Ah Natty Light. The staple of every college student. Best pong beer there is.

I liked Busch. Back in the day, it was around 5 bucks per case.

 

When I was at CofC we had this habib mart around the corner that gave us a wicked hook up on "Boosh Light" kegs. Good times.

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(636): So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.

 

 

Ah Natty Light. The staple of every college student. Best pong beer there is.

I liked Busch. Back in the day, it was around 5 bucks per case.

 

 

Busch - $.59 a six pack. It tasted like shit on rice krispies.

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(843): there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.

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(386): after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(817): Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.

 

(905): My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.

 

(252): after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?

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(678): All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

(404): You mean bread?

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(631): there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.

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(515): we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day

 

(563): She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...

 

(781): I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.

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(440): i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.

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(843): got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired

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(972): I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"

(1-972): More like "Chia Pet"

 

 

(204): My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash

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(931): so today I found out that she used to be a he....

(1-931): are you gonna get a divorce?

 

:ph34r::blink::ph34r:

 

AHHHHHHHHHHH! :o:(

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(949): if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.

 

(515): Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.

(502): All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.

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(313): I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes

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(908): I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep

 

(214): I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited

(1-214): I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope

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(+64): apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.

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(314): You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.

 

(919): it was average length and chubby

(1-919): so kinda like him?

(919): now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...

 

(215): her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.

 

(812): The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?

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(843): fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits

 

(757): my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers

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(770): Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.

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(714): they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.

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(858): batman tramp stamp. Dibs.

 

 

(913): No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.

 

 

(303): I don't like the word whore. I prefer the term penis enthusiast.

 

 

(803): You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.

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(703): Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar

 

(908): Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.

 

(310): my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.

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(206): Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.

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(206): My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..

 

(360): there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am

 

(925): He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball

 

(803): you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?

 

(785): a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class

 

 

(403): worst lay ever....

(780): as long as you cum, there is no bad sex

(403): ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement

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(831): I puked off the balcony.

(1-831): Not horrible

(831): Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.

 

(832): apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!

 

(303): I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.

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(734): i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.

 

(770): Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet

 

(615): drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.

 

(253): is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?

 

(314): Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..

 

(404): three words: i give head

(770): three words: not that well

 

(818): Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.

(1-818): Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.

 

(951): ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am

 

(215): You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.

(215): While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.

(yeah, go philly!...)

 

(810): I'm laying in your front yard are you home

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(221): I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.

 

13

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(310): i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.

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(717): This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be

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(604): My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.

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(831): I puked off the balcony.

(1-831): Not horrible

(831): Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.

 

Edit: Just saw this posted a page ago but don't care I laughed out loud at work. To make it up here is another

 

(253): when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot

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for all of you who take the time to cruise the drunk text message website you might also enjoy fmylife.com

 

a few examples:

Today, the 86 year old guy next door told me I needed three things in life to succeed: a cook book, a boyfriend, and a boob job. FML

 

Today, I was in the toilet when somebody started banging on the door loudly. I panicked and immediately cleaned my self and opened the door. As I opened the door, my brother vomited all over me. FML

 

Today, I was taking a bubble bath, and had my iPod touch on the side of my bathtub so I could listen to my music. My dog walked up to the side of the tub, looked me in the eye, and nudged my iPod into the water. FML

 

Today, I was texting a girl that I've liked for some time. When I asked her what she was doing, she replied "texting and p.s. I love you". I replied by telling her my feelings for her. Turns out "p.s. I love you" was the name of the movie she was watching with her friends. FML

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Fmylife had it's own thread a few months back..

 

(512): At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."

 

(903): Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"

 

(304): what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?

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(614): Acid is not a monday night drug

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(917): half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.

 

 

Pretty much sums it up...

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(+64): No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.

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(+44): Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine.

She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.

 

(810): I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to

ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.

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(917): half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.

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(917): half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.

 

truest thing on the whole website...

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(+44): Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine.

She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.

 

What's Your Number...and I Don't Mean your Phone Number (An oldie of a Daily News column - 2007)

Someone recently asked me, “What’s Your Number?” He wasn’t referring to my phone number, but rather the number of people I’ve had…ahem…intimate relations with. Quite frankly, I don’t know that number. That is why with complete conviction and confidence I responded, “Three”.

 

First of all, who still asks that question? Don’t we just naturally stop caring once we graduate from high school into an age of non-judgmental casual sex? I honestly thought it was one of the rights of passage of becoming an adult. Regardless, there are many different types of criteria one can fall back on to calculate this number.

 

In fact, I don’t even count the first three. I chose to give up my virginity too soon. The two that followed weren’t something I really wanted to do. I just didn’t know what else to do with myself. The fourth that came along was my first real boyfriend and he was a virgin. So I just pretended that I was, too. So the fourth was number one.

 

From there, I exercise a process of elimination. If he said he was going to call and didn’t, then it doesn’t count.

I

f he had any form of performance anxiety, then for the sake of his ego, I’m going to say it never happened.

 

If a Garrison Brewery Tour preceded it and I can’t clearly recall what happened, it doesn’t count.

 

If I came to realize afterwards that the so-called single guy forgot to inform his girlfriend or wife of his single status, then of course, it just never happened.

 

If I realize afterwards the guy was actually ten to 12 years my junior, unfortunately, I just can’t count those. On the other side, if he’s ten to 12 years my senior and I realize later he is a total jackass with his clothes on, that doesn’t count either.

 

Any relations that occurred before or after where there was tequila on the scene and my pathetic attempts at playing the air guitar don’t count.

 

Any short-term relationships that evolved at The Palace, Liquor Dome or any establishment that has a

Cabaret license don’t count.

 

If I can’t remember his name but only the location me met, such as Cancun guy, then those don’t count. In fact, vacation sex all together doesn’t count. It’s like the tree falling in the forest analogy; if nobody else knows about it, did it ever really happen? That takes care of all four Las Vegas trips that really don’t count.

 

If my suspicions that he was gay or bi-sexual were later confirmed I’m not counting those.

 

If he was in a position of authority such as my manager, then those don’t count either. Actually, I’m going to throw cops into the position of authority category as well. That’s two more that don’t count.

 

That’s the process most women would use. How do men count the number of partners they’ve experienced? They take all those same guidelines. Then they double them.

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(512): Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.

 

 

(551): 1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one

 

(719): just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?

 

That last one had to be written by a teenager.

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I think I know that guy. 1st year in college, I was asleep was night, and was awoken by an explosion next door. Checked it out the next morning, and the guy's loft was in splinters, and everything underneath it (TV, computer, etc) crushed beyond recognition. Story spread like wildfire. Never saw the girl, though. I think she made as covert an exit as was possible for such a behemoth.

 

Now back to our regularly scheduled schadenfreude.

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Jeez, we almost let this one slip to page 2.

 

(937): you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.

 

Anyone ever done this, or am I the only one? :P

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(615): I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.

 

(im = instant messenger for the techno-challenged)

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(615): i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.

 

Priceless! Wonder what the reply was :lol::lol:

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(662): They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.

 

(978): i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day

 

(847): I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so

I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.

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(662): They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.

 

It always boils down/translates to "You're wrong". Trust me, I'm married.

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(662): They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.

 

It always boils down/translates to "You're wrong". Trust me, I'm married.

 

 

Doesn't sound like a relationship I would want to be in....

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(615): i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.

 

Priceless! Wonder what the reply was :lol::lol:

 

and what precisely were they doing a line of....

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(615): i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.

 

Priceless! Wonder what the reply was :lol::lol:

 

and what precisely were they doing a line of....

...coke? :huh:

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(404): "auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made

 

(917): you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.

 

(615): Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.

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