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i'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting

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favorite so far:

 

(440): I love you

(720): are you drunk

(440): yes but I def love you, we should get married

(720): But I'm Jewish

(440): embrace Jesus

 

 

 

 

and this one:

 

(703): Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.

 

and:

 

(460) wrigley field is MILF paradise

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(914): ? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?

(773): jesus mom

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(360): I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock

Labels: (360)

 

:blink:

 

 

(631): Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?

Labels: (631)

 

:lol:

 

(310): Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?

Labels: (310)

 

 

Ok last one. From 209 area code SSC after the DDR??

 

 

(209): Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night

Labels: (209)

 

:ph34r:

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my vote:

 

(310): i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.

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Is it bad that I have no idea what this thread is about????????????????

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(515): Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?

(847): Beat you to it.

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You got to be kidding

Almost unbelievable isn't Dawg?

 

Great thread... so far.

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(504): can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...

 

(703): Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)

(540): awesome babe! drinks tonight!

(703): Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.

Labels: (540), (703)

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(336): I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choice

 

 

 

 

 

sounds fair to me :ph34r:

 

 

 

 

s.

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If you know the Dusty I know, this one is spot on!!

 

(360): I'd fuck her, but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock.

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(214): your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.

(1-214): we're not divorced.

 

 

(970): Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.

(970): Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right

 

(601): How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?

(318): Alcohol?

(601): Sex with a fat chick.

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(650): oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'

 

TPG, where are you?

 

(212): Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods

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If you know the Dusty I know, this one is spot on!!

 

(360): I'd fuck her, but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock.

 

Have you seen post #4?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Does anyone read any thread thoroughly anymore?

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Does anyone read any thread thoroughly anymore?

I have everyone, including myself, on ignore.

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Does anyone read any thread thoroughly anymore?

I have everyone, including myself, on ignore.

 

I'm posting in invisible ink.

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Does anyone read any thread thoroughly anymore?

I have everyone, including myself, on ignore.

 

I'm posting in invisible ink.

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(805): Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?

(1-805): Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.

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(858): My sheets look like a crime scene.

 

 

(617): Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin

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(832): I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit

(303): I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex

 

:lol: Not getting any more work done today!

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What's the number for this: texting is for retards

 

great job dude, you just called my mother, my wife, and my 7 and 8 year old retards

 

 

 

 

 

 

seriously, awesome work there internet tough guy!!!

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(619): Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.

(1-619): i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!

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(717): You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.

 

 

Apropos for some SA threads...

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What's the number for this: texting is for retards

 

great job dude, you just called my mother, my wife, and my 7 and 8 year old retards

 

 

 

 

 

 

seriously, awesome work there internet tough guy!!!

 

 

Well if you're 7 or 8 texting would probably be fun

If you're a mother or a wife, well, there's a reason it's so fun for a 7 or 8 year old

Adults use the phone or email

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(503): Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.

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(206): Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.

 

 

WTF? No wait, don't tell me some things are just not worth knowing...

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Adults use the phone or email

 

thanks for the life lesson champ!

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updates from the site textsfromlastnight.com

 

(303): If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?

 

(678): apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.

 

(212): I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.

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(314): dude did u upper deck my toilet?

(1-314): haha like two months ago

(314): i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u

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(216): Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

 

 

(510): I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...

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(314): dude did u upper deck my toilet?

(1-314): haha like two months ago

(314): i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u

 

Had to look this one up in Urban Dictionary.... fucking hilarious!

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(314): dude did u upper deck my toilet?

(1-314): haha like two months ago

(314): i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u

 

Had to look this one up in Urban Dictionary.... fucking hilarious!

 

you need to watch all of John Waters' movies before you post here again.

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you need to watch all of John Waters' movies before you post here again.

Watch Pecker first. Classic.

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Might just become my SA sigs...

 

(484): I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem

 

and

 

(416): Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home

 

Classically beautiful sentiments both.

 

G

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you need to watch all of John Waters' movies before you post here again.

Watch Pecker first. Classic.

 

Jeez, I feel like I just fell off the turnip truck.

 

Never heard of John Waters, looked him up (ain't the internet great?)... and never heard of any of his movies either (except for Hairspray).

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(248): just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy

 

that sounds like an awesome idea and nothing to be ashamed of.

 

(845): don't get me wrong, i like my boss boat-owner a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter

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(540): just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south

 

(504): loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs

(314): you don't even go to loyola anymore

 

(425): my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.

 

(323): If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"

 

 

(845): don't get me wrong, i like my boss boat-owner a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter

 

story of my life; except it happened

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(516): what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina

 

 

Fucking WOW. :lol:

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I found a new signature line.

:lol: Beauty.

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I found a new signature line.

:lol: Beauty.

 

(248): ..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.

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(202): therell be strippers and coke right?

(703): no strippers. just coke.

(202): i hate this fuckin recession

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(501): if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church

 

 

(509): i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.

 

im not entirely sure i want to know wtf that is about...

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you need to watch all of John Waters' movies before you post here again.

Watch Pecker first. Classic.

 

Jeez, I feel like I just fell off the turnip truck.

 

Never heard of John Waters, looked him up (ain't the internet great?)... and never heard of any of his movies either (except for Hairspray).

 

"A Dirty Shame" may be the most instructive in this context. The farther back you go in the catalogue the more jaw dropping the atrocities.

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(305): Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever

(615): She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister

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(919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(407): i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

 

(419): just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked

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(570): why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(1-570): you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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(704): you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks

 

 

(610): Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.

 

 

(813): I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): You motherfucker

(813): She's next.

 

 

what a world, what a world.

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(530): You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.

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(530): You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.

 

 

processed cheese is just not the same anymore :blink:

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(734): i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.

(1-734): what was she crying about?

(734): i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job

 

 

(330): when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk

 

 

(734): I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.

that one reminds me of a simpsons bit...

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321): You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you

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(850): TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.

(407): i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.

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(509): Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you

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(505): My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.

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(416): moral of the story ? theme parties + no morning after clothes= never again

. . . i just met his father in a bumblebee costume

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(514): you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night

(514): i got kicked out last time for laughing

 

 

 

(484): im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste

 

damn, wish there was some way to give her my phone #

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there are rules and this should be one of them..

 

 

 

 

(336): If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.

 

 

 

 

and the truth gets out..

 

 

(706): Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.

(1-706): Well thats $24,000 well spent.

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(512): i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy

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(847): this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way

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(661): I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.

 

(925): You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain

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(330): now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me

 

(303): The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.

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(301): he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water

 

(727): Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van

 

(206): Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection :ph34r:

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(763): So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time

(1-763): Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.

 

 

 

(407): At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!

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(864): and the officer said have you been drinking

(864): and i said NOO SIR.

(864): and he said, I am a woman.

 

(507): I want your puppy

(507): I meant pussy

(612): I would rather you take my puppy

 

ouch |^

 

(330): So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud

 

(330): So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud

 

(317): Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.

 

how prophetic...

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(323): You got in a fight last night?

(818): Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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(214): Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.

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(315): That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.

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(512): its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.

 

 

(203): walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.

 

 

(902): The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.

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