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That's Some Punny Shit


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#1 mainsheetsister

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Posted 03 June 2013 - 01:46 AM

A dyslexic man walked into a bra.



#2 R Booth

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Posted 03 June 2013 - 01:48 AM

Wood eye!....



#3 Life Buoy 15

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Posted 03 June 2013 - 01:51 AM

Isn't that one of those youthinasiaism thingo's like in the other thread?

#4 mainsheetsister

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Posted 03 June 2013 - 02:02 AM

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid.  He says he can stop any time.



#5 bmiller

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Posted 03 June 2013 - 02:09 AM

A fish swims into a wall, "Dam" he says.



#6 bmiller

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Posted 03 June 2013 - 02:13 AM

I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

 

 

 

 

This could go on forever.



#7 Life Buoy 15

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Posted 03 June 2013 - 02:15 AM

3 guys walk into a bar. You would have thought the 3rd one would have ducked.

#8 d'ranger

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Posted 03 June 2013 - 02:22 AM

A 3 legged dog walks into a bar and sez: I'm looking for the man that shot my paw. 



#9 Dorado

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Posted 03 June 2013 - 03:06 AM

Two maggots were fighting in dead ernest.



#10 Gouvernail

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Posted 03 June 2013 - 06:20 AM

A sailor trying to sneak back to his ship about 3 o'clock in the morning was spotted by a chief petty officer who ordered him to explain his tardiness. The lame explanation didn't work. "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you," the chief said.
The sailor began to sweep, but a tern landed on the broom handle and he couldn't continue. He yelled at the bird, but it didn't budge. He finally plucked it off the broom and gave it a toss. But the bird came right back and again landed on the handle. Over and over, the same routine was repeated. A toss, one sweep, and the bird was back.
When morning came, the chief also was back. "What have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started!" "Honest, chief," said the sailor, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link."

#11 atoyot

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Posted 03 June 2013 - 09:21 AM

What do you get with an dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?




...a guy who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog.

#12 Serge A. Storms

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Posted 03 June 2013 - 10:04 AM

A blonde, a midget, and a priest walk into a bar.

 

The bartender says "What is this, a joke?"



#13 bugger

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Posted 03 June 2013 - 01:05 PM

Time to send some people to the PUN-itentiary? 



#14 d'ranger

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Posted 03 June 2013 - 02:56 PM

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

 

My wife tells me I'm a skeptic - but I don't believe a word she says.



#15 Ancient_Mariner

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Posted 03 June 2013 - 04:36 PM

People that make puns should be drawn and quoted.



#16 Pedro

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Posted 03 June 2013 - 06:00 PM

with apologies to Spider Robinson

 

As humanity spread out across the galaxy a curious planet was discovered. Covered with rolling hills and prairie grasses the only sign of a higher life form came in the shape of a giant, mountain-sized humanoid statue. Upon closer inspection with x-rays and deep scan radar it was discovered that the statue was itself a living creature with internal organs and an apparently huge brain capable thought. Years of intense study to determine its origin followed but to no avail. The seemingly intelligent statue did nothing but sit there, perhaps lost in thought. How it had come into being remained a mystery. One day a xenobiologist screamed at the behemoth in frustration: "How!?! How could nature have created an organism out of rock that just sits there!? With a brain capable of huge feats of intellect that does nothing!?!"

 

As it turns out this was the first time a direct question had been posed to the statue loudly enough for it to hear. With a creaking of joints sounding like thunder the creature arose, scattering clouds and causing several earth tremors nearby. It stood silently for a moment then boomed out in an atomic bomb-like voice "It Couldn't!" then sat back down.

 

The xenobiologist slapped his forehead in sudden insight "Of course! It only stands to reason!"



#17 Remodel

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Posted 03 June 2013 - 06:17 PM

I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

 

 

 

 

This could go on forever.

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.



#18 pmw

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Posted 03 June 2013 - 07:07 PM

No matter how hard you try to push the envelope, it will always remain stationary.



#19 Sol Rosenberg

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Posted 03 June 2013 - 07:08 PM

I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.  



#20 Touch of Gray

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Posted 03 June 2013 - 07:13 PM

Wood eye!....

Hair lip! .  .  .  

 

What was the joke, I forgot



#21 Serge A. Storms

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Posted 03 June 2013 - 07:29 PM

Wood eye!....

Hair lip! .  .  .  

 

What was the joke, I forgot

Old Redd Foxx joke about a guy with a wooden eye who falls in love with a girl who has a mouth that runs up and down instead of side to side....   He loves her because she is the only person who never teases him about his wooden eye.   He asks her "Would you marry me?" and she replies "Oh, would I!!" and he gets insulted and says "Forget it-  Deal's off, Pussy-Face!!"     Or something like that....

 

If you can find recordings of Redd Foxx doing stand-up way back when they are amazingly funny-



#22 Serge A. Storms

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Posted 03 June 2013 - 07:31 PM

There's no plates like chrome for the hollandaise.....



#23 Sol Rosenberg

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Posted 03 June 2013 - 08:02 PM

If you can find recordings of Redd Foxx doing stand-up way back when they are amazingly funny-

One of my favorites:

http://www.amazon.co...s/dp/B000G04UBY

 

518XB8MKNCL._SY300_.jpg



#24 jerseyguy

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Posted 03 June 2013 - 09:44 PM

A 3 legged dog walks into a bar and sez: I'm looking for the man that shot my paw. 

Horse walks into a bar, bartender says "Why the long face?"



#25 jerseyguy

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Posted 03 June 2013 - 09:54 PM

If you can find recordings of Redd Foxx doing stand-up way back when they are amazingly funny-

One of my favorites:

http://www.amazon.co...s/dp/B000G04UBY

 

518XB8MKNCL._SY300_.jpg

If you want to get into some of the old time Apollo/Harlem comics (what was once called "the chitlin' circuit") check out Moms Mabley & Pigmeat Markham.

 

One of her lines was something like: "they say you should only speak good of the dead. He's dead.  Good."



#26 chinabald

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Posted 03 June 2013 - 10:09 PM

I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

 

 

 

 

This could go on forever.

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

What do you all a boomerang that doesn't come back?

 

A stick



#27 Willin'

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Posted 03 June 2013 - 10:25 PM

A 3 legged dog walks into a bar and sez: I'm looking for the man that shot my paw. 

Horse walks into a bar, bartender says "Why the long face?"

Celine Dion and Sarah Jessica Parker walk into a bar together, the bartender says...

 

 

 

 

"Hi ladies, why the long faces?"



#28 Nacradriver

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Posted 03 June 2013 - 10:42 PM

A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

 


I resemble that statement



#29 Life Buoy 15

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Posted 03 June 2013 - 10:51 PM

I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.

I have applied to join the Optimist association.

But I don't think they are going to let me in.

#30 Life Buoy 15

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Posted 03 June 2013 - 11:00 PM

2 Mexicans are lost in the desert. Close to death from starvation one suddenly points ahead and says 'look, we are saved -there is a Bacon tree'! He jumps up and starts running toward the Bacon tree and just before he gets there he is cut down by a hail of bullets. With his dying words he yells to his companion "Stay where you are it is not a Bacon tree!"....
"It is a Ham bush."

#31 oldgoatroper

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Posted 03 June 2013 - 11:45 PM

When the old sailor was asked if he was hurt after he had taken a tumble from the riggin' down on to the deck, he just said, "nah, I'm fine -- I'm used to hardships".



#32 Ivann

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Posted 07 June 2013 - 09:36 AM

Broken pencils are pointless



#33 Mike in Seattle

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Posted 07 June 2013 - 11:04 AM

Dyslexics are teople poo



#34 Sol Rosenberg

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Posted 07 June 2013 - 03:08 PM

-Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says “Hey get out! We don’t want your type in here!”



#35 iclypso

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Posted 07 June 2013 - 05:21 PM

Great thread!  As they'd say in the armored infantry, "Tanks for all the puns."



#36 DA-WOODY

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Posted 07 June 2013 - 06:46 PM


If you can find recordings of Redd Foxx doing stand-up way back when they are amazingly funny-

One of my favorites:

http://www.amazon.co...s/dp/B000G04UBY

 

518XB8MKNCL._SY300_.jpg

 

 

or for $43 less

 



#37 DA-WOODY

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    COUGARS COUGARS & More COUGARS

Posted 08 June 2013 - 01:21 AM

:o  :o  :o  :o  :o

 



#38 fyschebone

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Posted 21 June 2013 - 01:15 AM

Did you hear about the guy whose entire left side was sheared off in a car accident?

He's all right now.



Q:How much should I charge for this porn?

A: Whatever the market will bare.



#39 robertfraser

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Posted 21 June 2013 - 01:25 AM

 

I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

 

 

 

 

This could go on forever.

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

What do you all a boomerang that doesn't come back?

 

A stick

 

What is brown, and sticky?

 

A stick.



#40 Gouvernail

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Posted 21 June 2013 - 07:36 AM

Tonight I walked in, bought stuff, and out of the corner store and the entire time there was a fellow standing by his motorcycle. I asked, "trouble?"

He said , " just s smoke break."

Thinking myself clever I replied," better a smoke break than smoking brakes."

Unfortunately for both of us he laughed


I asked him, " know why women are different from brakes???

Answering myself, " guys don't want smokin hot brakes"

The guy laughed again

" you know" says I," if you break your smoke it won't work for a smoke break"


I started my car, rolled down the window and as I left I drove by him and said, "no more smoke jokes. I"ll give you a break by making my own break for it."

#41 karua

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Posted 21 June 2013 - 08:54 AM

A woman walked backwards into a spinning aircraft propellor.

 

Disaster.



#42 Gouvernail

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Posted 24 June 2013 - 04:11 AM

Two men contracted to paint a rather large boat that served as a floating church Being very frugal(cheap), they pinched and scraped to spend the absolute minimum on materials. Then, when they were only partway through the job, they determined that they did not, after all, have enough paint to complete the job. Not wishing to spend any more money if they didn't absolutely have to,they decided they would just dilute the water-based paint they were using so that it would last longer. They did this a couple more times before they finished, which caused striping on the church boat as the paint got lighter each time it was thinned. The painters had just about gotten to the top of the steeple, when, all of a sudden, the sky darkened, and the rain started to pour down. As the paint streamed down the sides of the church boat , a voice boomed from the heavens: "Repaint, you thinners! Repaint, and thin no more!"

#43 Mike G

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Posted 24 June 2013 - 01:33 PM

Hear about the new corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines.

#44 Bcubed

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Posted 24 June 2013 - 04:58 PM

Two termites walk into a bar and ask

"Is the bartender here?"



#45 On the Hard

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Posted 28 June 2013 - 02:09 AM

A blonde, a midget, and a priest walk into a bar.

 

The bartender says "What is this, a joke?"

 

A lawyer, a communist, an illegal alien and an atheist walk into a bar. The bartender says,

 

"What'll ya have Mr. President?"

 

I know I know, take it to PA



#46 d'ranger

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Posted 28 June 2013 - 02:41 AM

A blonde, a midget, and a priest walk into a bar.

 

The bartender says "What is this, a joke?"

 

A lawyer, a communist, an illegal alien and an atheist walk into a bar. The bartender says,

 

"What'll ya have Mr. President?"

 

I know I know, take it to PA

If you had said Muslim rather than atheist you would have killed them.  So close...... 



#47 Gouvernail

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Posted 28 June 2013 - 08:13 AM


A blonde, a midget, and a priest walk into a bar.
 
The bartender says "What is this, a joke?"

 
A lawyer, a communist, an illegal alien and an atheist walk into a bar. The bartender says,
 
"What'll ya have Mr. President?"
 
I know I know, take it to PA
If you had said Muslim rather than atheist you would have killed them.  So close...... 
.

And it would be just as humorous and
Less offensive to half of any audience with Democrat, lawyer, Christian, and basketball player

I would suggest black guy but with basketball player already there it would be redundant

#48 karua

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Posted 28 June 2013 - 09:21 AM

What did the Llama say when he got kicked off the farm? Alpaca my bags!

#49 Kirwan

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Posted 28 June 2013 - 06:39 PM

Did you hear about the guy who fell into a lens grinding machine?

 

He made a spectacle of himself.



#50 bmiller

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Posted 29 June 2013 - 02:06 AM

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?



#51 d'ranger

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Posted 29 June 2013 - 02:09 AM

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

:lol: :lol:



#52 egon

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Posted 01 July 2013 - 04:15 PM

What type of weapons to the dogs of war use?

 

 

 

 

 

Howlitzers.



#53 WhoaTed

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Posted 01 July 2013 - 06:35 PM

What'd the leper say to the hooker?

 

Keep the tip.

 

Can't play cards with lepers, hands are always getting thrown in.

 

Leper in a jacuzzi? Oatmeal.

 

Leper+hockey=faceoff in the corner

 

Love me some leper jokes.



#54 WhoaTed

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Posted 01 July 2013 - 06:38 PM

btw, SJP is in on the joke:



#55 WhoaTed

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Posted 01 July 2013 - 10:03 PM

...as are our equine friends:



#56 d'ranger

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Posted 14 July 2013 - 06:08 PM

Speaking of horses today I decided to start preaching on trail rides to the cowboys who don't have access to church. I am calling it the sermon on the mount. 



#57 webbwash

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Posted 21 July 2013 - 06:05 PM

two chemists walk into a bar - first one asks for H2O, second one asks for H2O too, the second one died -



#58 webbwash

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Posted 28 July 2013 - 10:59 PM

there once was a school of immortal porpoises and in order to maintain a specific diet - so one day they engaged the penguins to help them out.

 

the penguins had to go into the jungle and capture mynah birds and return to the porpoises.

 

along the way the penguins had to jump across a pride of recumbent lions.

 

at that point, they were arrested for transporting mynahs across staid lions for immortal porpoises



#59 Derek Grebe

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Posted 29 July 2013 - 05:56 AM

Q/ What do you call a fly with no wings?

 

A/ A walk


 

 

 

 

 

Q/ What's a Shihtzu?

 

A/ One with no penquins.


 

 

 

 

 

two wrongs don't make a right

 

(three lefts do)



#60 Mark K

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Posted 29 July 2013 - 04:11 PM

War don't show who's right, just who's left. 






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