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#1 JOD

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Posted 26 February 2004 - 08:44 PM

A skeleton walks into a bar.

He orders a beer and a mop.

#2 charm

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Posted 26 February 2004 - 08:45 PM

Two muffins are baking in the oven, one muffin turns to the other and says, "damn it's ot in hear."

The other muffin replies, "AHHH, A TALKING MUFFIN!"

#3 Willsail4food

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Posted 26 February 2004 - 09:10 PM

I came home one day and said to my girlfriend "Hey honey you should rub toilet paper on your tits."

"WHY?!?" she replied.

"It'll make them bigger, look what it did for your ass!"

#4 Willsail4food

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Posted 26 February 2004 - 09:23 PM

Guy walks into a bar and orders 4 martinis.
Bartender asks "What's the occasion?"
Guy says "I'm celebrating my first blowjob."
The bartender says "Congratulations!"
Guy replies "Thanks, if this doesn't get the taste out, NOTHING will."

#5 Peacefrog

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Posted 26 February 2004 - 09:28 PM

Fins sent this out this morning, all the Canucks will love it!

President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country
to invade next, when his telephone rang...

"Hallo, President Bush" a heavily accented voice said. This is Archie, up
'ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada ey? I am
callin' to tells ya dat weare officially declaring war on you ey!"

"Well Archie," George replied, "This is indeed important news! How big
is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself,
me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from
the pub. That makes eight!"

George paused. "I must tell you Archie, that I have one million men in
my army waiting to move on my command."

"Holy jeez," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Bush, the war is
still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?", George asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm
tractor."

President Bush sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000
tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to
one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lard T'underin' Jaysus, bye", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to
ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. "President Bush, the war
is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified
Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four
byes from the Legion have joined us as well!"


George was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell
you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military
complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And
since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jeysus, Mary and Joseph," said Archie,"I'll have ta call youse back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Bush! I am
sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said George. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long
chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can
feed two million prisoners."


CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN!

#6 StevenRolland

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Posted 26 February 2004 - 09:28 PM

A fish swims into a wall........Damn

#7 Willsail4food

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Posted 26 February 2004 - 09:35 PM

Two gays are in a hotel room and the hotel catches on fire. Which one gets out first, the one on top, or the one on the bottom??

The one on the bottom, he already has his shit packed.

#8 Big Stuff

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Posted 26 February 2004 - 10:56 PM

What is the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?

One doesn't follow you around after dropping a load in it.


How does a blonde turn on the light after sex?

Open the car door.

#9 Ghandi

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Posted 26 February 2004 - 11:35 PM

Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot

#10 Oxygen Mask

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Posted 27 February 2004 - 12:26 AM

Superman was standing on the roof of the tallest building in Gotham, surveying the city with his super vision. Down on the roof of another building he sees Wonder Woman sunbathing nude! He tries not to look, upholder of the morals and all, but he just can't help staring. She's just laying there on her back with her legs spread! Pretty soon he can't stand it and he gets this idea: I can swoop down there with my super speed, get a little, and swoop away so fast no one will know it was me. So he zooms down, hump hump hump hump, and zooms away in flash.

"What the hell was THAT?" yells Wonder Woman.

And the Invisible man says, "I don't know, but my ass sure hurts!"

#11 Oxygen Mask

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Posted 27 February 2004 - 12:27 AM

After the Great Britain Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

#12 aA

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Posted 27 February 2004 - 01:15 AM

whats the difference between a bonus and a boner?
your wife will blow your bonus


or

guy walks into a drug store and asks the pharmacist, "do you have any condoms with insecticide?"
pharmacist says, "you mean spermicide don't you?"
guy says, "no, i said insecticide. my wifes got a fucking bug up her ass and i'm going after it"


cheers,
..._/)..._/)...

#13 Larry

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Posted 27 February 2004 - 07:29 AM

Did you ever hear about the woman named Marilyn Miller?

She had her initials tattooed on her cheeks, and every time she bent over, it said "MOM" or "WOW"

#14 StevenRolland

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Posted 27 February 2004 - 11:01 AM

Oh dear. We've resorted to blond jokes.

Oh well, hear goes:

What do you call four blonds sitting on a bench?

A Wind Tunnel


What do you call a blond with dyed brown hair?

Artifical Intelligence


How do blond turn on the lights in the morning?

Open the car door.

#15 Dave

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Posted 27 February 2004 - 01:47 PM

The three blondes are walking through the woods when they came across some tracks.

The first blonde said “These are deer tracks!"

The second blonde said “No you twit, these are bear tracks!”

The third blonde got hit by the train.

#16 Pedro

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Posted 27 February 2004 - 02:16 PM

A blonde is walking through the woods and comes to the edge of a lake. She sees another blonde on the far shore and calls out "How do you get there to the other side of this lake?"

The other blonde responds "Silly! You're already on the other side!"

#17 Pedro

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Posted 27 February 2004 - 02:17 PM

How many WASPs does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the drinks.

#18 Willsail4food

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Posted 27 February 2004 - 04:29 PM

OK, blonde joke 1st:

Why can't blondes eat pickles?

They'd get their head stuck in the jar.

And what I came here for:

A Turkish woman was swimming one day when she sees another woman come out of the pool with a lit cigarette. The Turkish woman tries it and it doesn't work. She asks the woman how she keeps her cigarette lit. She replies: I just put a condom over it. The Turkish woman goes to the drug store and asks the clerk for a pack of condoms. The clerk asks: What size would you like? She replies: I don't know, big enough to fit my camel.

#19 Remodel

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Posted 27 February 2004 - 04:40 PM

Three mice meet at a convention in Dallas. Aftger spending the day walking the show floor, the three repair to local tavern to have drink.

After a couple of drinks, they begin discussing who comes from the tougher town. The first mouse says, "I'm from Brooklyn, and we're so tough that we grind up rat poison and put it in our coffe so we can start the day off with a nice buzz."

The second mouse says, "That's nothing. In L.A., when we find a rat trap, first we eat the cheese, then we lay down under the bar and use it as becn press to work off the calories."

The third mouse is a local. He takes a long pull form his beer and gets up as if to leave.

"Where are you going?" ask the out-of-towners.

"Well," drawled the third mouse. 'I've heard about all the bullshit I can stand for one night. And besides, I'm late. I've got to go home and screw the cat."

#20 Lars P

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Posted 27 February 2004 - 04:42 PM

How do you define a competition man?

He finishes first and third in the same masturbation contest.

#21 Bill J

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Posted 27 February 2004 - 05:30 PM

What do you call one blonde blowing into another blonde's ear?

Data transfer

#22 Rodrigging

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Posted 27 February 2004 - 05:36 PM

A blonde girl comes home from school one day beaming with pride. She tells her mother that she was abel to count to 100 when all the the kids in the class could only get to 20. I'ts because I blonde right mom she asks and her mother says yes dear.

The next day same deal except this time she was the only one to complete her a,b,c's. It's because I'm blonde right Mom? Yes dear her mother says.

The next day she starts telling her mother about how she was able to float in the pool through almost the entire gym class while all the other kids sank like stones.
It's because I'm blonde right mom, she says.

No dear her mother replies, it's because your 24 and have 36d breasts, those things would float a PWC.

#23 Rodrigging

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Posted 27 February 2004 - 05:37 PM

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says why the long face.

A 3 legged dog walks into a bar and says I'm lookin fer the man that shot ma paw.

#24 charm

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Posted 27 February 2004 - 05:41 PM

Three men are sitting around the bar discussing their prowess in bed. The first man, a Frenchmen states proudly that he had made love to his wife twice last night and the morning she kissed him weetly and told him she loved him.

The next man, an Italian, discredits the Frenchmen by stating that he had made love to his wife thrre times last night and in the morning she made him breakfast and told him she could never love another.

Meanwhile, the third man, a Texan, just sat there listening attentivly.

The Frenchmen asks smuggly, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

The Texan replies, "Just once."

The Italian, with a great deal of attitude says, "Just once? That poor woman, what did she say to you this morning?"

The Texan replies, "Don't stop!"

#25 JimB

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Posted 27 February 2004 - 06:11 PM

A Dutchman from Innisfail, Alberta came into the local pub with a big grin on his face anxious to tell his buddies about his most recent sex experience.

Tells his buddies he was walking along the railroad tracks when he came upon a young lady tied to the tracks just like in the movies. He untied her and took her home. They had sex all over the house. Him on top , her on top, doggy style etc. This went on all day.

One of his buddies gets very interested and asks him if she was pretty.

The Dutchman responds, I don't know - I never did find her head.

#26 Rusty

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Posted 27 February 2004 - 06:29 PM

What do you call a brunette with bad breath?




A blonde doing a handstand.

#27 Willsail4food

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Posted 27 February 2004 - 07:06 PM

This is only safe to tell good friends....

So I was driving down the street the other day and I hit your mom. I was like OH CRAP, that's Mrs. Johnson(sorry I don't know your mom's name). I got out and asked her if she was OK. "Yes" she replied "but I have to ask you, why didn't you swerve to go around me?!?" I replied "I have to be honest with you Mrs. Johnson, I didn't think I had enough gas."

#28 Willsail4food

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Posted 27 February 2004 - 07:09 PM

A bus full of of (whatever race/creed/religion/etc) drove off a cliff the other day. Everyone aboard died. It was a crying shame......there were still three empty seats.

#29 charm

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Posted 27 February 2004 - 07:19 PM

what do you call a person that speaks 3 languages...trilingual

what do you call a person that speaks 2 languages...bilingual

what do you call a person that speaks 1 language...American

#30 Sailzfast

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Posted 27 February 2004 - 07:26 PM

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he
reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just
stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was
looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top,
Daddy?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered.

"So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then raised her foot and stomped them
flat and said "Well, it might be ok in San Francisco or Massachusetts but we're
not having any of that crap here in Texas."

#31 ppSailor01

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Posted 27 February 2004 - 07:33 PM

Kerry will beat Bush in '04

#32 Stinky from USC

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  • Interests:&quot;Did you ever think that maybe there is more to life than being really really really ridiculously good-looking?&quot;-Derek Zoolander<br><br>Archie: &quot;Are you totally deranged?&quot;<br>Otto: &quot;You..pompous, stuck-up, snot-nosed, English, giant, twerp, scumbag, fuck-face, dickhead, ASSHOLE!&quot;<br>Archie: &quot;How very interesting. You're a true Vulgarian aren't you?&quot;<br>Otto: &quot;You're the Vulgarian...you FUCK!&quot;

Posted 27 February 2004 - 07:34 PM

what do you call a person that speaks 3 languages...trilingual

what do you call a person that speaks 2 languages...bilingual

what do you call a person that speaks 1 language...American

what do you call a person that barely speaks one language ... American

#33 charm

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Posted 27 February 2004 - 07:46 PM

[quote name='Stinky from USC' date='Feb 27 2004, 11:34 AM'] [/QUOTE]
what do you call a person that barely speaks one language ... American [/quote]
I thought that was French?

#34 Remodel

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Posted 27 February 2004 - 07:57 PM

Why do lawyers always wear neck ties?

They keep their foreskins from popping over their heads and smothering them.


How does a gay man know if his partner has been cheating on him?

His dick tastes like shit.

#35 GreenBowman

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Posted 27 February 2004 - 08:35 PM

best avaatar of the day goes to SAILZFAST!,
a man returns a mercedes back to the showroom after taking this sweet lookin car out for a test drive, the mercedes is battered to shit covered in crap and a split windscreen, the furious salesman comes over to this guy, smug ass hell, and the salesman asks him calmly, umm sar what the fuck did you do to our car the guy replies smiling ran over a Paki, to which the sales man replies fair enough but that dosen't explain the state of the car, the guy replies fairly appolegeitc yeah sorry bout that drove through 4 fields to catch up with that bastard,





disclaimer: it is not the authors intent to racially discriminate anybody of pakistan background just piss them off.

#36 Oxygen Mask

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Posted 27 February 2004 - 08:41 PM

How many Zons does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two.
One to change the bulb and the other to execute him.

#37 Larry

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Posted 27 February 2004 - 08:50 PM

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he
reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just
stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was
looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top,
Daddy?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered.

"So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then raised her foot and stomped them
flat and said "Well, it might be ok in San Francisco or Massachusetts but we're
not having any of that crap here in Texas."

As far as your avatar--- I don't think I've seen bloodhounds run that fast before. LOL

#38 Larry

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Posted 27 February 2004 - 08:54 PM

Q: What do you call a camel with two humps?

A: A camel


Q: What do you call a camel with one hump?

A: A dromedary


Q: What do you call a camel with no humps?

A: Humphrey

#39 470boy

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Posted 27 February 2004 - 08:56 PM

Little Johnny walks into a brothel toting a dead frog on a string and asks for a whore with herpes.

The Madam starts to laugh….”we don’t have those here.”

Johnny slaps down $100 and repeats his order. “I want me a whore with herpes!”

Again the Madam replies….”we don’t have those here.”

Johnny slaps another $100 on the table and says “I want me a whore with herpes”

The Madam replies “last door on the left.”

Little Johnny nods and proceeds down the hall, toting his dead frog on a string.

5 minutes later Johnny comes out of the room, nods at the Madam and proceeds to leave when the Madam asks:

“Look kid, what’s you story? You walk in here, pay $200 for a whore with herpes, and you have a dead frog on a string.”

Little Johnny replies: “I just went in there a fucked that whore with herpes. When I go home, I’m going to fuck my babysitter. When my parents get home, my dad will drive the babysitter home. On the way home, he’s going to fuck the babysitter. Then when my dad gets back, he’s going to fuck my mom. And in the morning, when my dad leaves for work, my mother is going to fuck the mailman….and that’s the mother fucker who killed my frog!!!!
:lol:

#40 Oxygen Mask

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Posted 27 February 2004 - 09:06 PM

Billy looks over the fence and his neighbor Jimmy digging a hole. Jimmy is crying.

Billy asks why he's crying and Jimmy sniffles and says my "Burying my bird" and keeps on digging.

Pretty soon Billy says "That's a pretty big hole for a bird." and Jimmy says "He's inside your damn cat."

#41 Ghandi

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Posted 27 February 2004 - 11:51 PM

An Englishman, a Dutchman and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced:

"It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Dutchman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back.

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Dutchman in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back."

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).

The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Englishman replied.

"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face.

“If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.

"Tie the Frenchman to my back."

#42 ro!

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Posted 28 February 2004 - 12:16 AM

How many fighter pilots does it take to change a lightbulb?  One..... he just has to hold it and the world revolves around him?

(Disclaimer - my GF sent that to me.  I wonder what she was trying to say?)

She was trying to tell you that you are a sexist, egotistical arsehole but I guess you didn't listen.

#43 Willsail4food

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Posted 28 February 2004 - 05:00 PM

How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.

What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A doberman.

#44 Remodel

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Posted 01 March 2004 - 06:44 PM

An old man walks into a whore house and asks the Madam for a girl with gonorrhea.

"I'm sorry, " said the madam. "We run a clean house here. None of our girls have any form of V.D."

"Nonsense," said the old man. "I've been in whore houses all over the world, and I 've never seen one that wasn't rife with gonorrhea."

"Bring me one of your fluzies now."

Not one to lose the opportunity of a fee, the madam goes to one of the girls. "Nancy, there's an old coot in the parlor who insists on having a girl with gonorrhea. You go and humor him for a while."

Dutifully, the girl goes about her business whith the old man. When they're done and the old man is about to leave, the girl tells him, "Say old man, that was fun, but you know something? I don't really have gonorrhea."

"Well," said the old man. "You do now."

#45 Remodel

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Posted 01 March 2004 - 06:53 PM

Ted walks into a whore house and asks the madam for the best piece of ass in the establishment.

"Bernie!" yells the madam. "Lube up Charlotte!" Then she says to Ted, "Charlotte's one of our very best ladies. She'll cost you $200."

"$200'" says Ted. "I didn't bring that much money. Maybe I better settle for second best."

"No problem says the madam. "Bernie, lube up Betsy!!" Then to Ted, "She's only $100."

"I hate to admit it," says Ted, "but I only have $50. What can you do for that?"

"Bernie!" shouts the madam. "Lube up!!

#46 Remodel

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Posted 01 March 2004 - 07:03 PM

In Texas, there are a group known as the Texas Aggies, and as you may know, they are not considered to be among the brightest of God's creatures.

One day, three Aggies taking a class in animal husbandry were instructed by their professor to take a prize bull out to a certain field to service a cow.

Seeing the look of confusion on their faces, the professor explained that he meant that they were to ensure that the bull and the cow had sex.

Later that day, the professor got a call from the local hospital that his students were there and were all bruised and beat up. Concerned, he ran over to the emergency room to see them. Sure enough, they had multiple contusions and a few fractures.

"What happened boys?" asked the professor. "Didn't the bull want to cooperate?"

"Sure he did," said the Aggies, "but have you ever tried to get a cow on her back?"

#47 Rodrigging

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Posted 01 March 2004 - 07:08 PM

The best friend of a young Polish fella who happens to be a virgin decides to get him laid for his 21st birthday.
He takes him down to the local cat house and fix him up with a gal and she takes him to her room. The hooker askes him what he likes and he tells her it's his first time and would she recomend something. The hooker suggests a little 69 to begin with and they get in their positions. While they're going at it the gal lets a rather ripe fart that damn near gags the poor newbie. He stops looks up and says I'm really sorry but I don't think I can take 68 more of those.

#48 Remodel

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Posted 01 March 2004 - 07:31 PM

OK, one more just so I can get my total posts up to an even 100.

One day, an inexperieinced Aggie decided it was time to become a man. So he saddled up his old plow horse and headed into town. Once there, he made his way to the local house of ill repute and asked the lady in charge for a date.

"Well." explained the lady. "Before you can date one of my girls, you have to show me a rubber and give me $50. Then you can pick out any one of the girls over there on the couch and go upsatairs."

"OK ma'am. What's a rubber and where do get one?"

"Go to the men's room in the gas station across the street. There's a machine on the wall where you can buy one for not very much."

So the Aggie goes across the street and checks out the machine. He's nervous because he only has 50 dollars and 75 cents. Fortunately for him, there are three choices. He can have a white one for 25 cents, a black one for 50 cents and an orange one for 75 cents.

Thinking that the girl will think he is cheap if if he buys the white one, he is about to buy the orange one when he thinks that might look showey. His best bet is to buy the black one he decides.

He goes back across the street, shows the condom to the madam and gives her the $50. He then picks out a real cute gal and goes upstairs to become a man.

Now he is a sentimental Aggie, and once he's done, he starts to feel guilty. She's a pretty girl, and he thinks she shouldn't spend her life in this kind of place.

Right away, he proposes. They get married and move out to the farm. About seven months later, she gives birth to a healthy boy.

A few years go by, and it is time for the boy to go to school. At the end of his first day, the boy comes running up from the bus stop in tears.

"What's wrong boy?" asks the Aggie.

"Daddy," sobbed the boy, "all the boys and girls at school made fun of me because I'm black and you and Momma are white."

"That don't mean nothing 'cept you just cost more than they did. Hell boy for another two-bits, you coulda been orange."

#49 Dave

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Posted 01 March 2004 - 08:33 PM

Sorry Jeff B, I need a victim.


Jeff B arrives in port after a long and gruelling Transpac and decides his first stop ashore will be at the local whorehouse. He arrives at the establishment, finds the right girl and they engage in an act that we'll just call "adult recreation". Midway through their labors of the night Jeff B starts wondering how he's doing (since it has been so long since his last act).

Jeff B: "So honey, how am I'm doing?"

Whore: "Well, sailor you're going about 3 knots".

Jeff B: "So what does that mean?"

Whore: "Well, you're knot in, you're knot hard, and you're knot getting your money back".

#50 Wino

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Posted 01 March 2004 - 09:13 PM

Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts
The shrink says,
"Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before

A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The barman says
"I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

#51 Pedro

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Posted 01 March 2004 - 09:36 PM

A piece of string walks in to a bar, sits down and orders a beer.

Bartender says "Hey! We don't serve your kind in here! Get Out!"

As the string slinks out he sees another piece of string going in.

"Don't bother. They don't want us here."

Second piece of string ties himself into a figure eight and slaps himself against the wall, walks in, sits down and orders a beer.

Bartender says "Hey! You look like string! We don't serve string in here! Are you string?"

Second string says "Nope. Frayed knot."

#52 Willsail4food

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Posted 01 March 2004 - 09:41 PM

A first grade teacher is teaching the class about morals. She tells a story with a moral and then asks the class if they have any stories they'd like to share.

Molly raises her hand. "My aunt raises chickens and one day I went out to collect the eggs. On the way back I dropped the basket. All the eggs broke. The moral: Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

Very good Molly. Praises the teacher. Anyone else have a story?

Kelly is next. "My mom has cows on ouir farm. I milked one of the cows and tripped and spilled the milk. I was upset, but my mom said it was OK. Moral: Don't cry over spilled milk.

"Excellent, anyone else?" Asks the teacher.

A quiet kid sitting at the back of the class raises his hand.

"Bobby, you have a story to tell?!" The teacher exclaims, he's never participated voluntarily before.

Bobby says "My Dad was in Vietnam. He was on patrol one day with his unit and they were ambushed by 150 Viet Cong soldiers. He looked around and the rest of his unit was dead. He jumped into a fox hole. All he had was 2 machine guns, two grenades, his sidearm and a bottle of Jack.

He took a big swig of the Jack, jumped out with one of the machine guns and killed 50 Viet Cong soldiers. He jumped back into the fox hole, took another swig of the Jack, jumped back out with the other machine gun and killed another 50 soldiers. He jumped back in the foxhole, drank some more jack, lobbed the grenades and killed 40 soldiers. He finished off the bottle and jumped out with his sidearm and killed the remaining 10 soldiers."

"My dad killed 150 Viet Cong singlehandedly!" Bobby says proudly.

Rather disgusted and confused the teacher asks "Bobby WHAT is the moral of this story?!?"

"DON'T FUCK WITH MY DAD WHEN HE'S DRINKING!!!"

#53 charm

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Posted 02 March 2004 - 01:06 AM

As a jew, I'd like to here some good jewish jokes damnit, we've insulted everyone else. EQUAL RIGHTS!

#54 Warthog

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Posted 02 March 2004 - 03:51 AM

Someone wanted Jewish....?


2 Jewish best mates, 1 is a doctor, the other a Lawyer, Lawyer calls Dr very concerned about his wife, so they agree to get Yetta in for tests.

6 days later, the Dr rings the lawyer

Joseph Oivey.....
Hymie - nice of you to call......
Listen, Yetta's tests, we may have an issue.....

Oh mama - whats with the issue?

2 tests got mixed up - we don't know if your Yetta got AIDS or Altzheimers.....

My Life.....Poor me ....Poor Yetta.....Hymie what do I do.....

Joseph - that part is simple, tonight let her out for a walk, if she comes back - DOnot sleep with it.......




On the Cross:

Jesus to St Paul at the base of the cross.....
"This is a hell of a way to spend Easter"....... :huh: :huh:

#55 Brian

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Posted 02 March 2004 - 11:28 AM

A rabbi and a priest were sitting next to each other on a plane. After a short while, a conversation starts.

Priest: "So Rabbi, I understand that you are suppose to not eat pork, but have you ever tried it?"

Rabbi: "Yes, there was one time I had a ham sandwich."

Priest: "And did you think it was good?"

Rabbi: "Yeah, it wasn't bad."

Priest (snickering) "Uh-huh..."

A few minutes later the conversation continues:

Rabbi: "So Father, I understand that you are suppose to remain celebate. Have you ever succombed to the temptations of the flesh?"

Priest: "Yes, there was one time back in college."

Rabbi: "I see. So, wouldn't you say it was much better than pork?"

#56 B.J. Porter

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Posted 02 March 2004 - 01:43 PM

So one day the priest, the Baptist Minister, and thr Rabbi all bought new cars.

The priest, when he got his home rubbed holy oil on the hood and sprinkled it with some holy water. The Baptist to his to a car wash and ran it through with just plain water to "Baptize" it.

The Rabbi got a hacksaw and took an inch off the tailpipe...

#57 oneguyfromdetroit

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Posted 02 March 2004 - 03:36 PM

What's the difference between a Jewish woman and Jello?


Jello wiggles when you eat it

#58 racing ron

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Posted 03 March 2004 - 03:12 PM

What do clouds and women have in common?

Sooner or later they fuck off and it's a nice day.

#59 charm

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Posted 03 March 2004 - 06:12 PM

Why don't lesbians wear make up and diet at the same?

It's hard to eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on your face.

#60 Larry

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Posted 03 March 2004 - 08:12 PM

Three friends attend wake of business associate.

Irishman places $20 bill in the casket.

Italian guy does the same, drops $20 bill into the casket.

Jewish guy throws in a check for $60 and removes the two twenties!

#61 two cold dogs

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Posted 04 March 2004 - 12:55 PM

American scientists decide they have to study the minds and thinkings of several nationalities of man. The build a 10' x 10' x 10' stainless steel room and in the room place two perfectly round 6" stainless steel diameter balls. They then recruit several men to see how they react to isolation within the room.

The first test subject is a devout Buddhist. He is placed in the room and the scientists begin to observe his reactions. After the first day he has done nothing but stare at the two balls. The next day is the same. On the third day they look into the room to see the one of the balls balanced perfectly on the other, the Buddhist is in the lotus position with his fingertips together, meditating. The scientists duly note the reaction and congratualate themselves.

Next, the scientists place an Englishman in the room. For the first day they observe him studying the balls and the corners of the room. The next day is the same. The third day they look in and see the Englishman playing a solitary game of snooker. The scientists duly note the reaction and congratualate themselves.

Next, the scientists place a BN in the room. They come back five minutes later to see him scratching his head, one ball is missing and the other is broken.

#62 lumpywater

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Posted 04 March 2004 - 01:55 PM

How many Republicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, let the poor fuckers do it.



How many democrats does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
30. 1 to actually screw in the lightbulb while the 29 others are representing every minority group that may be affected by the lightbulb's change.



Two Aliens land on a desert highway in the middle of nowhere. They approach an old abandoned gas station in order to make contact with the humans. Confusing an old gas pump with a human being, Alien number one approaches it and says "Take me to your leader."
Alien two says to Alien one, "Dude, I don't know about this"
Angry that the gas pump is not responding to his questioning, Alien one says again, "take me to your leader, or im going zap you with my ray gun!"
Alien two, becoming more and more scared says: "I don't think it is a good idea to question this human, and I really think we should leave!"
At this point, Alien one is so anrgy that the gas pump is not responding, he pulls out his ray gun, asks once again "last chance, take me to your leader!" The pump does not respond, so he shoots it, despite two's warning against further questioning of the human.
The force of the explosion causes the two Aliens to be blown half way across the desert. When they regain consciousness, Alien one goes "man, all I did was question him and when the insolent human did not respond, I shot him and he exploded...that has never happened before!"
Alien two says "listen, I told you it was a bad idea to fuck with a guy who can wrap his dick around his arm 5 times and stick it in his ear"

And one last one for Jeff B
What do Fighter Pilots use for Birth Control?
Their Personalities.

#63 duncan

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Posted 04 March 2004 - 04:02 PM

a paddy, welshman, & a scot are all applying for the queens bodyguard

the paddy comes into the directors office & the director hands him a 38 special- says yr wife is in the next room, take this gun & shoot her.

the paddy looks at the gun & then the director- says sorry, but i love her too much

the welshman comes in- same speech- goes into the next room, comes back * says im just not a killer

the scotsman comes in, takes the gun, say 'right' * goes into the next room. quickly, you hear six shots, bang bang bang bang bang bang- then the sounds of furniture being shoved around

he comes back to the director's office, puts the smoking gun back down * says 'there were blanks in teh gun, i had to strangle the bitch'

#64 moxie

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Posted 16 March 2004 - 07:11 AM

What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?

We DO taste like chicken.

#65 Larry

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Posted 19 March 2004 - 10:58 PM

Catching The Drunks

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and drove off, only at the speed limit. The police officer followed him about about three blocks, then pulled pulled him over, read him his rights, and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. He asked if the man was the designated driver. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

#66 minibiter

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Posted 22 March 2004 - 09:30 PM

a termite walks into a bar and says is the bartender here?

how do you kill a blonde?
-- scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool
-- spikes on her shoulder pads (swinging head from side to side - 'I dont know!')

brunette blows into a blondes ear - blonde says - thanks for the refill!

#67 boguing

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Posted 23 March 2004 - 09:07 PM

A blonde boarded a BA flight from Heathrow to New York and shortly after take off walked into first class and sat down in a spare seat. A stewardess asked for her boarding pass, and on seeing that it's economy asks her to return to her own seat.

The blonde replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm flying first class to New York" Not wanting to cause a scene, the stewardess backed off and reported to the cabin crew director.

So he approaches the woman and also asks her to return to her seat. The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm flying first class to New York". Once again, not wishing to cause trouble, he retreats and reports to the Captain. "No problem" says he, "My wife's blonde"

The Captain hands control over to his co-pilot and walks back to the blonde, bends down and whispers into her ear. She immediately gets up and goes back to her seat.

The cabin crew are impressed and asked how he had done it.

"I told her that First Class doesn't go to New York"

#68 GRUMPY

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Posted 26 March 2004 - 01:30 PM

Why don't women have any brains??





Cause they haven't got a dick to keep 'em in.

#69 GreenBowman

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Posted 26 March 2004 - 09:38 PM

will probably go to hell for this one,
>what was jesus last words on the cross?
>none of ye bastards eat my easter egg I'll be back on sunday

#70 Harry Pattison

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Posted 27 March 2004 - 12:09 AM

Subject: Bud Abbot and Lou Costello in the 21st Century



ABBOT: Super Duper Computer Store... Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking

about buying a computer.

ABBOT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou

ABBOT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou

ABBOT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOT: Do you want a computer with windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

ABBOT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOT: Software for windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write

proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

ABBOT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOT: Yes

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOT: I recommend office with windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, let's just

say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOT: word.

COSTELLO: what word?

ABBOT: word in office.

COSTELLO: the only word in office is office.

ABBOT: the word in office for windows.

COSTELLO: which word in office for windows?

ABBOT: the ! word you get when you click the blue w

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue w if you don't start with some

straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOT: yes, you want real one.

COSTELLO: maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of

your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOT: real one.

COSTELLO: if it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2,3&4. Can I

watch them?

ABBOT: of course.

COSTELLO: great, with what?

ABBOT: real one.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I

do?

ABBOT: you click the blue 1

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOT: the blue 1.

COSTELLO: is that different from the blue w?

ABBOT: the blue 1 is Realone and the blue w is word.

COSTELLO: what word?

ABBOT: the word in office for windows.

COSTELLO: but there's three words in office for windows!

ABBOT: no, just one. but it's the most popular word in the world

COSTELLO: it is?

ABBOT: yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other words left. It

pretty much wiped out all the other words out there.

COSTELLO: and that word is real one?

ABBOT: real one has nothing to do with word. Real one isn't even part

of office.

COSTELLO: stop! Don't start that again. What about financial

bookkeeping you have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOT: money.

COSTELLO: that's right. What do you have?

ABBOT: money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOT: it comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: what's bundled to my computer?

ABBOT: money

COSTELLO: money comes with my computer?

ABBOT: yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOT: one copy

COSTELLO: isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.

COSTELLO: they can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOT: why not, they own it.

#71 The Commodork

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Posted 27 March 2004 - 12:26 AM

That's bloody funny, Harry. Where'd you find that?!

#72 Harry Pattison

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Posted 27 March 2004 - 12:34 AM

Someone in my family passed it along. One of the best laughs I've had in awhile.

#73 GRUMPY

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Posted 18 May 2004 - 07:11 AM

A teacher asks her class to use the word contagious, James the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got measles and my mom said it was contagious"

"Well done James" says the teacher "anyone else?" Katie jumps up and says,"My Grandma says there's a bug about and it's contagious"

"Well done Katie, anymore?"

Little Irish Shawn leaps to his feet and says in his irish accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2" brush and my Dad says it'll take the contagious"

#74 Kevlar Edge

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Posted 19 May 2004 - 01:44 AM

Q: Whats a reverse exorcism
A: when you pray to the devil to get the priest out of your son.

#75 Warthog

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Posted 19 May 2004 - 04:16 AM

Elton John & Michael Jackson doing a remake of the" '70's" classic....


" Don't let your son go down on me"........

#76 GRUMPY

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Posted 25 May 2004 - 07:02 AM

nicked from eldewhere

Jesus
>
>
> An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar there
> was only one other Person in the bar; a man. The three men kept looking at
> this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared,
wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried
> out, "My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!"
>
> The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting
> alone at a table.
>
> The Irishman call out, "Hey! you!!! Are you Jesus?" The man looks over at
> him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus" he says.
>
> The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him "I'd like you to
> give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me." So the bartender pours
> Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table Jesus looks over, raises
> his glass, smiles thank you and drinks. The Englishman then calls out,
> "Errr, excuse me Sir, but would you be Jesus?" Jesus smiles and says,
> "Yes, I am Jesus." The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to
> send over a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, which the bartender
> duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.
>
> Then the Australian calls out, "Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or
> what?" Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus." The Australian is mighty
> impressed and has the bartender send over a pot of Victoria Bitter for
> Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure. Some time later, after finishing
> the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men. He reaches
> for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
> When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. "Oh God, the
> arthritis is gone," he says. "The arthritis I've had for years is gone.
> It's a miracle!"
>
> Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the
> Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in
> shock. "By jove", he exclaims, "The migraine I've had for over 40 years is
> completely gone. It's a Miracle!"
>
> Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his
> face. The Aussie whispers ... "F*** off mate, I'm on Workers Comp"



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#77 daduck

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Posted 25 May 2004 - 04:41 PM

Father Brown is teaching Sunday School and asks the class if they know what happened on Easter. Little Susie raises her hand and says "Easter is when Santa Clause comes down the chimney and brings us toys". "Well no, you're close, but that's at Chrismas" says Fr. Brown. "Anyone else?" Little Timmy pops out with "It's when we dress in costumes and go door to door and get candy." "Nope, that's Halloween, little Timmy." Father Brown is beginning to get concerned when little Johnny raises his hand. "Yes, little Johnny, can YOU tell us what happened at Easter?" Little Johnny begins "They put Jesus on the cross...and um...he died...so they took him down and put him in the tomb..." At this point Fr. Brown is getting very encouraged, "Yes, little Johnny, what happened next?" "Well" says little Johnny, "Well, they put him in the tomb...and...um...on the third day...on the third day, he comes out of the tomb and...if he sees his shadow we have six more weeks of winter!"

#78 JOD

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Posted 25 May 2004 - 06:43 PM

One day Mom was cleaning Junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his Father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.

So she asked him, "What should we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

#79 BobM

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Posted 25 May 2004 - 09:19 PM

Father Brown is teaching Sunday School and asks the class if they know what happened on Easter. Little Susie raises her hand and says "Easter is when Santa Clause comes down the chimney and brings us toys". "Well no, you're close, but that's at Chrismas" says Fr. Brown. "Anyone else?" Little Timmy pops out with "It's when we dress in costumes and go door to door and get candy." "Nope, that's Halloween, little Timmy." Father Brown is beginning to get concerned when little Johnny raises his hand. "Yes, little Johnny, can YOU tell us what happened at Easter?" Little Johnny begins "They put Jesus on the cross...and um...he died...so they took him down and put him in the tomb..." At this point Fr. Brown is getting very encouraged, "Yes, little Johnny, what happened next?" "Well" says little Johnny, "Well, they put him in the tomb...and...um...on the third day...on the third day, he comes out of the tomb and...if he sees his shadow we have six more weeks of winter!"

Just a point of information. This is an old joke that could not get past the censorship imposed on the Smother Brothers show in the late 60's or early 70's.

#80 GRUMPY

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Posted 26 May 2004 - 01:17 AM

another theft



A gas station in "Redneck Country" was trying to increase its sales so the
owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."

Soon a "Redneck" pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free
sex. The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and, if he
guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, but you were
close. The number was (7).

Sorry, no free sex this time, but maybe next time." Some time thereafter,
the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up,
and again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the
correct number.

The man guessed (2) this time and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3).
You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game
is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

The buddy replied, "No tain't Billy Ray, it's not rigged - my wife won
twice last week."

#81 Sailing My Cubicle

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Posted 26 May 2004 - 01:28 AM

What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing. They're both stuck up cunts!

#82 Chuck D.

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Posted 26 May 2004 - 04:40 PM

An Irishman walks out of a bar.

#83 BalticBandit

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Posted 26 May 2004 - 06:02 PM

That's a miracle, not a joke...

#84 BalticBandit

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Posted 27 May 2004 - 03:27 AM

Variation

Panda walks into a restaurant and orders A bamboo and bean sprouts sandwich and eats it. when the waiter brings him his bill he pulls out a gun kills the waiter and walks out of the restaurant.

The diner at the table next to the panda grabs the Maitre'de"What's going on?"

The Maitre'de hands him and encyclopedia and says "look up Panda"

Panda
Large fuzzy bear like animal. eats bamboo shoots and leaves.

#85 Rodrigging

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Posted 27 May 2004 - 07:18 PM

Funny

#86 GRUMPY

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Posted 29 May 2004 - 11:07 PM

Secretary phones the boss from home to say she can't make it to work today.

The boss says "What's wrong??

She says "I have anal glaucoma"

"what do you mean, Anal Glaucoma?"

"I can't see my ass coming onto work today!"

#87 BalticBandit

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Posted 30 May 2004 - 12:22 AM

George Bush jr walks into a bar with a large, warty dried up toad on his head.

Bartender starts to say "what'll it be, but can't help himself and blurts out -
Damn thats about as ugly as I've seen"


The toad replies "fuckin' a. Started out as a wart on my butt and I've been trying to get rid of it since"...

#88 BalticBandit

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Posted 30 May 2004 - 04:07 AM

Ya know, I've been accused of being humour impaired, but even I get that joke.

I mean who can take seriously any organization founded by the same old hack that Nixon dragged out to try and debate Kerry in the 70s and managed by an old Reagan Whitehouse aide and personal friend of the Bush family.

That has got to be someones idea of an April Fools prank.

#89 BalticBandit

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Posted 30 May 2004 - 06:19 AM

http://billionairesf...S_06short-1.mov

http://pages.prodigy...errybunnies.wmv

#90 Woolsey

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Posted 01 June 2004 - 02:19 PM

Son: "Dad, is it true that in some countries, men do not know their wives until they marry them?"

Father: "No son, that is true in ALL countries."

#91 Chuck D.

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Posted 02 June 2004 - 11:39 AM

Five surgeons were debating who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon said, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responded, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded."

The third surgeon said, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimed in, "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine. And the head and the ass are interchangeable."

#92 imjustsayin

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Posted 04 June 2004 - 11:19 PM

Got a long ride tomorrow, need some fodder. Here's one:

Zen Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand. "Make me one with everything."

more?

#93 imjustsayin

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Posted 05 June 2004 - 01:45 AM

Come on! Give me some good jokes. Three hours on the rail... here's one more. Yep, blonde joke, (it's o.k, cuz I'm told I am one...) So the blonde finishes the puzzle and, and she is so proud of herself. After all, the box said "3-5 years," and it only took her 2...

#94 Seadogg

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Posted 07 June 2004 - 07:37 PM

Went on a blind date the other night.
As we were driving along, I asked her what she did for a living.
She told me she was a magician.
"A magician?", I said. "Really? Can you prove it?"
Sure enough, she put her hand on my leg and I turned into a motel!

#95 Willsail4food

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Posted 07 June 2004 - 07:54 PM

Told this on the rail this weekend.

What do you do if a woman's watch breaks?

Nothing, there's a clock on the stove.

#96 imjustsayin

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Posted 07 June 2004 - 11:52 PM

Told this on the rail this weekend.

What do you do if a woman's watch breaks?

Nothing, there's a clock on the stove.

Are you referencing the Aunt Jemimia treatment, or barefoot and pregnant??

#97 GRUMPY

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Posted 21 June 2004 - 07:15 AM

An American, a Russian, and a Mexican were out camping. The American has
his Jack Daniels the Russian has his vodka and the Mexican has his tequila.
The Russian takes a drink of vodka throws the bottle up in the air and
shoots it. The Mexican says, "What did you do that for?" The Russian says,
"In Russia we have lots of vodka." The Mexican takes a drink of his tequila
throws the bottle up in the air and shoots it. The American says, "man what
did you do that for?" The Mexican says, "In Mexico we have lots of tequila."
The American takes a drink of his Jack Daniels throws the bottle up in the
air and shoots the Mexican. The Russian looks at him and says, "Man, what
the hell did you do that for?" The American says, "Oh hell, man, in America
we have lots of Mexicans."

#98 Woolsey

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Posted 21 June 2004 - 05:30 PM

not a joke, but still the funniest thing i've seen in a while....

#99 GRUMPY

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Posted 30 June 2004 - 01:57 AM

There was this fellow who worked for US Postal Service whose job it
was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came
to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought, "Oh
boy, better open this one and see what it's all about." So he opened it and
read: "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had 100 dollars in it which was all the
money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Easter, and I had
invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have
nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only
hope.
Can you please help me?"

The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to
all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few
dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which
they put into an envelope and sent over to her.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the
nice thing they had done. Easter came and went, and a few days
later came
another letter from the old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:
"Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my
friends.
We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the
way, there was 4 dollars missing. I think it must have been those thieving
pricks at the Post Office."

#100 onephatdiva

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Posted 02 July 2004 - 12:58 AM

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 70-year-old Texas
rancher
(whose hand had caught in a gate while working cattle), a doctor
and
the old man were talking about George W. Bush being in the White
House.
The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a 'post turtle'."

Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a
post
turtle was.

The old man said, "When you're driving down a country road and
you come
across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post
turtle."

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he
continued to
explain, "You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't
belong
there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you
just
want to help the poor stupid bastard get down."




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