1723 replies to this topic

[On the Hard]

(516):
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.





(702):
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?





(203):
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny

[NACRADUDE]

(303):

If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina


(401):

I told you those kegels would come in handy one day

[NACRADUDE]

(608):

The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.

[NACRADUDE]

(843):

happy early fathers day!!!


(829):

im not a father


(843):

about that...

[NACRADUDE]

(724):

Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss

[NACRADUDE]

(215):

I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass

[NACRADUDE]

(706):

don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.

[NACRADUDE]

(337):

you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm


Tell me this one didn't make you imagine the sound.

[dreaded]

(843):

happy early fathers day!!!


(829):

im not a father


(843):

about that...

a classic..

[NACRADUDE]

(304):

As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny

[NACRADUDE]

(610):

I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.

(616):

A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?

(206):

Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.

[NACRADUDE]

(716):

The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast

[NACRADUDE]

(818):

dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks


(626):

well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person

[NACRADUDE]

(904):

Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.

[Windward]

(519):

I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.

[barleymalt]

(519):

I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.

That's a keeper

[NACRADUDE]

(519):

I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.

That's a keeper

That should live in SA folklore.

[atoyot]

(404): Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.


(781): I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick


(807): My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.

(1-807): I don't see the problem

[NACRADUDE]

(512):

i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.

(540):

THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.

[NACRADUDE]

(714):

The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!

[NACRADUDE]

Favorite
(619):

No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.

[NACRADUDE]

(773):

What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?

[NACRADUDE]

(310):

It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal

[NACRADUDE]

(763):

Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...

[NACRADUDE]

Favorite
(614):

So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?


(1-614):

...yea


(614):

She's valid.

[NACRADUDE]

(217):

You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.

[NACRADUDE]

(818):

Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment

(740):

I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.

[NACRADUDE]

(484):

so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.

[NACRADUDE]

(724):

For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.

[Tom Ray]

(724):

For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.

That phone didn't have a camera?

[NACRADUDE]

(636):

You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased


(314):

Please be lying.


(636):

Im not. Your family was creeped out

[NACRADUDE]

(202):

Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.

[NACRADUDE]

(305):

The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.


Ooops

[NACRADUDE]

(+44):

Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!

[NACRADUDE]

(541):

Well for starters, her tits were hairy.

[NACRADUDE]

(601):

Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though

[NACRADUDE]

(714):

She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.

[NACRADUDE]

(914):

Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.

[NACRADUDE]

(613):

Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding

[NACRADUDE]

(770):

Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.


(678):

Yea. I'm excited about this party too

[NACRADUDE]

(317):

You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.

(260):

Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.

(226):

The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle

[NACRADUDE]

(814):

Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.


(215):

Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.

[NACRADUDE]

(902):

Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.

[JBSF]

(304):

As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny

Gaytor?

[slap]

(304):

As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny

Gaytor?

You can't be right - Gator can't give good advice.

[On the Hard]

(951):
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.


"Hey, Honey! I've found a new diet for you!"

[dreaded]

(817):

I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.



another reason to hate HOA's

(919):

I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.

[Barkley]

(210):

You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL

???

[mustang__1]

(817):

I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.



another reason to hate HOA's

(919):

I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.

ours told us in a strongly worded letter to get my laser out of the driveway.

[dreaded]

(817):

I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.



another reason to hate HOA's

(919):

I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.

ours told us in a strongly worded letter to get my laser out of the driveway.

we had one in dallas tell a guy his fully load chevy truck wasn't good enough to park in the driveway, he needed to put it in the garage.. it was ok if it was an upscale truck like a cadillac truck.






(773):

If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.

[NACRADUDE]

(847):

This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good

[NACRADUDE]

(513):

Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.

[NACRADUDE]

(731):

She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro

[NACRADUDE]

(228):

Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.

[On the Hard]

(209):
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.





(586):
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.






(831):
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"





(304):
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow


and my favorite of the day:




(706):
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.

[dreaded]

(304):

I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.


fz 2

(508):

I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.

fz 3

(801):

He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.

[NACRADUDE]

(956):

Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW

(916):

The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.

[NACRADUDE]

(816):

im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death

[NACRADUDE]

(208):

Is it possibile to sprain your taint?


(1-208):

She was that bad?

[NACRADUDE]

(812):

Rumble strips road head = magical

[NACRADUDE]

(484):

if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire

[NACRADUDE]

(618):

Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT

[NACRADUDE]

(914):

Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man

[NACRADUDE]

(775):

Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.


(1-775):

Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank

[NACRADUDE]

(248):

So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."

(614):

There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.

[NACRADUDE]

(484):

My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs


(610):

I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle

[NACRADUDE]

(360):

I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.

[NACRADUDE]

(413):

Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield bye bye memories

[NACRADUDE]

(678):

You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.

[NACRADUDE]

(718):

Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"

[NACRADUDE]

(415):

Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.

[NACRADUDE]

(916):

Yep. How's your hangover?


(1-916):

It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.

[NACRADUDE]

(402):

the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.

[NACRADUDE]

(402):

Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band


(312):

Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume

[JBSF]

(415):

Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.

Doesn't everybody use a cart at the liquor store???

[Tom Ray]

(415):

Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.

Doesn't everybody use a cart at the liquor store???

Pilots.

[Greever]

(415):

Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.

Doesn't everybody use a cart at the liquor store???

Pilots.

Ya' beat me to it Tom!

[On the Hard]

(515):
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?


(1-515):
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....

[On the Hard]

(857):
Sunday is the day of rest.


(857):
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.

[NACRADUDE]

(951):

I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.

[JBSF]

(951):

I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.

Beautiful! Febreeze has a new marketing campaign.

[atoyot]

(951):

I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.

Back in the old days it would've been Lysol.

[Tom Ray]

(951):

I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.

Back in the old days it would've been Lysol.

You also keep a file of things you know, but should not, I see.

[On the Hard]

(951):

I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.

Back in the old days it would've been Lysol.

Lysol??? Come on! It was always Ozium for those who partook in the herb.

[On the Hard]

(206):
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE



(919):
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number.. (I'd love to hear the backstory on that one)



(775):
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.

[NACRADUDE]

(506):

Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.

[atoyot]

(951):

I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.

Back in the old days it would've been Lysol.

Lysol??? Come on! It was always Ozium for those who partook in the herb.

I had never heard of that, even in fraternity life. I'll have to try that.












Just in principle, of course.

[NACRADUDE]

Favorite
(617): View more from Massachusetts

my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.

[NACRADUDE]

(317):

I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.

[On the Hard]

Why Bull Gator doesn't buy a new I Phone


(256):
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.

You know some anarchist would get hold of it eventually...

and here's one for Rick!




(503):
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all

[NACRADUDE]

(937):

NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!

(802):

I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her

[NACRADUDE]

(416):

I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.


Coincidence? I think not...

[NACRADUDE]

(217):

I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?

[NACRADUDE]

(714):

Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.

(760):

Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that

[dreaded]

(443):

Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
(1-443):

That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.




(916):
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.

[Blownout]

(479): View more from Arkansas
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk

[4knotSB]

(416):

I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.


Coincidence? I think not...

Toronto?

[mustang__1]

(416):

I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.


Coincidence? I think not...

Toronto?

i would have thought it was Key West...

[Timo42]

(416):

I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.


Coincidence? I think not...

Toronto?

i would have thought it was Key West...

Gaytor sighting?

[floating dutchman]

(416):

I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.


Coincidence? I think not...

Toronto?

i would have thought it was Key West...

Gaytor sighting?

Naa, Gator couldn't afford the food to make him 300lbs after the FB shares he "bought".

.