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i'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting


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#1301 On the Hard

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Posted 27 June 2012 - 04:30 PM


(516):
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.





(702):
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?





(203):
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny



#1302 NACRADUDE

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Posted 27 June 2012 - 07:14 PM

(303):

If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina


(401):

I told you those kegels would come in handy one day

#1303 NACRADUDE

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Posted 27 June 2012 - 07:36 PM

(608):

The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.

#1304 NACRADUDE

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Posted 27 June 2012 - 07:51 PM

(843):

happy early fathers day!!!


(829):

im not a father


(843):

about that...

#1305 NACRADUDE

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Posted 27 June 2012 - 07:55 PM

(724):

Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss

#1306 NACRADUDE

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Posted 27 June 2012 - 08:01 PM

(215):

I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass

#1307 NACRADUDE

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Posted 27 June 2012 - 08:04 PM

(706):

don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.

#1308 NACRADUDE

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Posted 27 June 2012 - 08:10 PM

(337):

you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm


Tell me this one didn't make you imagine the sound. :P

#1309 dreaded

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Posted 27 June 2012 - 08:35 PM

(843):

happy early fathers day!!!


(829):

im not a father


(843):

about that...


a classic..

#1310 NACRADUDE

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Posted 27 June 2012 - 08:36 PM

(304):

As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny

#1311 NACRADUDE

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Posted 27 June 2012 - 08:50 PM

(610):

I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.

(616):

A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?

(206):

Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.

#1312 NACRADUDE

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Posted 27 June 2012 - 08:54 PM

(716):

The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast

#1313 NACRADUDE

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Posted 27 June 2012 - 09:02 PM

(818):

dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks


(626):

well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person

#1314 NACRADUDE

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Posted 27 June 2012 - 09:09 PM

(904):

Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.

#1315 Windward

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Posted 27 June 2012 - 10:29 PM

(519):

I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.

#1316 barleymalt

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Posted 28 June 2012 - 12:16 AM

(519):

I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.


That's a keeper

#1317 NACRADUDE

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Posted 28 June 2012 - 12:47 AM


(519):

I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.


That's a keeper

That should live in SA folklore.

#1318 atoyot

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Posted 29 June 2012 - 12:52 AM

(404): Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.


(781): I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick


(807): My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.

(1-807): I don't see the problem

#1319 NACRADUDE

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Posted 29 June 2012 - 02:55 AM

(512):

i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.

(540):

THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW. :huh:

#1320 NACRADUDE

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Posted 29 June 2012 - 02:57 AM

(714):

The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!

#1321 NACRADUDE

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Posted 29 June 2012 - 02:58 AM

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(619):

No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.

#1322 NACRADUDE

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Posted 29 June 2012 - 06:31 PM

(773):

What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?

#1323 NACRADUDE

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Posted 29 June 2012 - 06:36 PM

(310):

It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal

#1324 NACRADUDE

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Posted 29 June 2012 - 06:38 PM

(763):

Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...

#1325 NACRADUDE

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Posted 29 June 2012 - 06:41 PM

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(614):

So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?


(1-614):

...yea


(614):

She's valid.

#1326 NACRADUDE

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Posted 29 June 2012 - 06:43 PM

(217):

You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.

#1327 NACRADUDE

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Posted 29 June 2012 - 06:47 PM

(818):

Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment

(740):

I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.

#1328 NACRADUDE

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Posted 29 June 2012 - 08:15 PM

(484):

so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.

#1329 NACRADUDE

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Posted 29 June 2012 - 08:21 PM

(724):

For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.

#1330 Tom Ray

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Posted 30 June 2012 - 11:14 AM

(724):

For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.


That phone didn't have a camera?

#1331 NACRADUDE

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Posted 02 July 2012 - 08:34 PM

(636):

You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased


(314):

Please be lying.


(636):

Im not. Your family was creeped out

#1332 NACRADUDE

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Posted 02 July 2012 - 08:38 PM

(202):

Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.

#1333 NACRADUDE

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Posted 02 July 2012 - 08:39 PM

(305):

The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.


Ooops :ph34r:

#1334 NACRADUDE

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Posted 02 July 2012 - 08:43 PM

(+44):

Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
:unsure:

#1335 NACRADUDE

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Posted 02 July 2012 - 08:44 PM

(541):

Well for starters, her tits were hairy.

#1336 NACRADUDE

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Posted 02 July 2012 - 08:45 PM

(601):

Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though

#1337 NACRADUDE

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Posted 02 July 2012 - 08:46 PM

(714):

She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.

#1338 NACRADUDE

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Posted 06 July 2012 - 02:17 PM

(914):

Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.

#1339 NACRADUDE

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Posted 06 July 2012 - 02:19 PM

(613):

Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding

#1340 NACRADUDE

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Posted 06 July 2012 - 02:20 PM

(770):

Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.


(678):

Yea. I'm excited about this party too

#1341 NACRADUDE

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Posted 06 July 2012 - 02:24 PM

(317):

You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.

(260):

Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.

(226):

The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle

#1342 NACRADUDE

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Posted 06 July 2012 - 02:36 PM

(814):

Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.


(215):

Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.

#1343 NACRADUDE

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Posted 06 July 2012 - 02:53 PM

(902):

Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.

#1344 JBSF

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Posted 08 July 2012 - 02:26 PM

(304):

As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny

Gaytor?

#1345 slap

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Posted 08 July 2012 - 05:47 PM


(304):

As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny

Gaytor?



You can't be right - Gator can't give good advice.

#1346 On the Hard

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Posted 09 July 2012 - 09:59 PM


(951):
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.


"Hey, Honey! I've found a new diet for you!"



#1347 dreaded

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Posted 10 July 2012 - 06:55 PM

(817):

I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.



another reason to hate HOA's

(919):

I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.

#1348 Barkley

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Posted 10 July 2012 - 07:20 PM

(210):

You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL

???

#1349 mustang__1

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Posted 11 July 2012 - 01:36 AM

(817):

I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.



another reason to hate HOA's

(919):

I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.


ours told us in a strongly worded letter to get my laser out of the driveway.




#1350 dreaded

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Posted 13 July 2012 - 04:05 AM


(817):

I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.



another reason to hate HOA's

(919):

I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.


ours told us in a strongly worded letter to get my laser out of the driveway.






we had one in dallas tell a guy his fully load chevy truck wasn't good enough to park in the driveway, he needed to put it in the garage.. it was ok if it was an upscale truck like a cadillac truck.






(773):

If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.

#1351 NACRADUDE

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Posted 13 July 2012 - 04:56 PM

(847):

This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good

#1352 NACRADUDE

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Posted 13 July 2012 - 04:59 PM

(513):

Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.

#1353 NACRADUDE

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Posted 13 July 2012 - 06:55 PM

(731):

She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro

#1354 NACRADUDE

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Posted 13 July 2012 - 06:57 PM

(228):

Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.

#1355 On the Hard

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Posted 17 July 2012 - 09:08 PM


(209):
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.





(586):
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.






(831):
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"





(304):
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow


and my favorite of the day:




(706):
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.




#1356 dreaded

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Posted 24 July 2012 - 07:04 PM

(304):

I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.


fz 2

(508):

I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.

fz 3

(801):

He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.

#1357 NACRADUDE

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Posted 24 July 2012 - 07:10 PM

(956):

Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW

(916):

The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.

#1358 NACRADUDE

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Posted 24 July 2012 - 07:11 PM

(816):

im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death

#1359 NACRADUDE

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Posted 24 July 2012 - 07:26 PM

(208):

Is it possibile to sprain your taint?


(1-208):

She was that bad?

#1360 NACRADUDE

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Posted 31 July 2012 - 08:31 PM

(812):

Rumble strips road head = magical

#1361 NACRADUDE

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Posted 31 July 2012 - 08:36 PM

(484):

if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire

#1362 NACRADUDE

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Posted 31 July 2012 - 08:38 PM

(618):

Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT

#1363 NACRADUDE

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Posted 31 July 2012 - 08:41 PM

(914):

Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man

#1364 NACRADUDE

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Posted 31 July 2012 - 08:45 PM

(775):

Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.


(1-775):

Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank

#1365 NACRADUDE

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Posted 31 July 2012 - 08:47 PM

(248):

So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."

(614):

There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.

#1366 NACRADUDE

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Posted 31 July 2012 - 08:48 PM

(484):

My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs


(610):

I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle

#1367 NACRADUDE

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Posted 31 July 2012 - 08:51 PM

(360):

I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.

#1368 NACRADUDE

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Posted 31 July 2012 - 08:53 PM

(413):

Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories

#1369 NACRADUDE

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Posted 31 July 2012 - 08:56 PM

(678):

You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.

#1370 NACRADUDE

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Posted 31 July 2012 - 08:57 PM

(718):

Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"

#1371 NACRADUDE

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Posted 31 July 2012 - 08:59 PM

(415):

Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.

#1372 NACRADUDE

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Posted 31 July 2012 - 09:01 PM

(916):

Yep. How's your hangover?


(1-916):

It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.

#1373 NACRADUDE

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Posted 31 July 2012 - 09:02 PM

(402):

the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.

#1374 NACRADUDE

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Posted 31 July 2012 - 09:16 PM

(402):

Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band


(312):

Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume

#1375 JBSF

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Posted 01 August 2012 - 11:34 AM

(415):

Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.



Doesn't everybody use a cart at the liquor store???

#1376 Tom Ray

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Posted 01 August 2012 - 11:58 AM


(415):

Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.



Doesn't everybody use a cart at the liquor store???


Pilots. :rolleyes: ;)

#1377 Greever

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Posted 01 August 2012 - 12:20 PM



(415):

Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.



Doesn't everybody use a cart at the liquor store???


Pilots. :rolleyes: ;)



:lol:

Ya' beat me to it Tom!

#1378 On the Hard

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Posted 01 August 2012 - 09:54 PM


(515):
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?


(1-515):
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....



#1379 On the Hard

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Posted 01 August 2012 - 10:00 PM


(857):
Sunday is the day of rest.


(857):
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.



#1380 NACRADUDE

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Posted 02 August 2012 - 08:34 PM

(951):

I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.

#1381 JBSF

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Posted 03 August 2012 - 09:26 AM

(951):

I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.

Beautiful! Febreeze has a new marketing campaign.

#1382 atoyot

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Posted 03 August 2012 - 12:04 PM

(951):

I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.


Back in the old days it would've been Lysol.

#1383 Tom Ray

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Posted 03 August 2012 - 12:31 PM


(951):

I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.


Back in the old days it would've been Lysol.


You also keep a file of things you know, but should not, I see. ;)

#1384 On the Hard

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Posted 03 August 2012 - 02:24 PM


(951):

I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.


Back in the old days it would've been Lysol.



Lysol??? Come on! It was always Ozium for those who partook in the herb.

#1385 On the Hard

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Posted 03 August 2012 - 02:26 PM

(206):
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE



(919):
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number.. (I'd love to hear the backstory on that one)



(775):
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.






#1386 NACRADUDE

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Posted 03 August 2012 - 04:52 PM

(506):

Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.

#1387 atoyot

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Posted 03 August 2012 - 06:20 PM



(951):

I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.


Back in the old days it would've been Lysol.



Lysol??? Come on! It was always Ozium for those who partook in the herb.




I had never heard of that, even in fraternity life. I'll have to try that.












Just in principle, of course.

#1388 NACRADUDE

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Posted 03 August 2012 - 06:22 PM

Favorite
(617): View more from Massachusetts

my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.

#1389 NACRADUDE

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Posted 03 August 2012 - 07:07 PM

(317):

I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.

#1390 On the Hard

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Posted 03 August 2012 - 07:48 PM

Why Bull Gator doesn't buy a new I Phone


(256):
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.

You know some anarchist would get hold of it eventually...

and here's one for Rick!




(503):
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all



#1391 NACRADUDE

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Posted 09 August 2012 - 08:09 PM

(937):

NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!

(802):

I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her

#1392 NACRADUDE

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Posted 09 August 2012 - 08:11 PM

(416):

I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.


Coincidence? I think not... :blink:

#1393 NACRADUDE

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Posted 09 August 2012 - 08:12 PM

(217):

I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?

#1394 NACRADUDE

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Posted 09 August 2012 - 08:14 PM

(714):

Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.

(760):

Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that

#1395 dreaded

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Posted 09 August 2012 - 09:08 PM

(443):

Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
(1-443):

That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.




(916):
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.



#1396 Blownout

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Posted 09 August 2012 - 09:45 PM

(479): View more from Arkansas
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk

#1397 4knotSB

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Posted 10 August 2012 - 12:07 AM

(416):

I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.


Coincidence? I think not... :blink:

Toronto?

#1398 mustang__1

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Posted 10 August 2012 - 01:58 AM


(416):

I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.


Coincidence? I think not... :blink:

Toronto?


i would have thought it was Key West...

#1399 Timo42

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Posted 10 August 2012 - 02:12 AM



(416):

I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.


Coincidence? I think not... :blink:

Toronto?


i would have thought it was Key West...


Gaytor sighting? :o

#1400 floating dutchman

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Posted 10 August 2012 - 11:33 AM




(416):

I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.


Coincidence? I think not... :blink:

Toronto?


i would have thought it was Key West...


Gaytor sighting? :o

Naa, Gator couldn't afford the food to make him 300lbs after the FB shares he "bought".

.




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