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mikesimpson

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About mikesimpson

  • Rank
    Member
  • Birthday 01/20/1941

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Profile Information

  • Location
    Melbourne, Australia
  • Interests
    Sailing Sabre Class monotype dinghy 12' 6" long
  1. mikesimpson

    Joke

    Disaster is more than seven letters!
  2. mikesimpson

    Joke

    Come on! No self-respecting marine pilot is gonna drink Starbucks coffee!!
  3. mikesimpson

    Joke

    A twenty-year-old woman became pregnant for the first time and, whilst pleased to be having the beginnings of a family, she abhorred ill mannered and inconsiderate children and was terrified that her child would turn out that way. She went to her church and asked the pastor how she could ensure that her child would grow up to be well mannered and considerate of others. The pastor was somewhat unhelpful but eventually suggested that while she was pregnant she should pray each day that her new child should be born with the required attributes. This she did and was happy! One
  4. mikesimpson

    Joke

    A girl was borne without legs. When she reached puberty, she had great difficulty getting a date. In the end she joined a dating site on the Internet and began corresponding with a guy who seemed perfect. Before too long she organised a date, all the while fending off any comments and questions that would identify her disability. The great day came and she planned with her mother how she would avoid breaking the news to the guy as long as she could. At the appointed hour, the guy rocked up to the front door and, while mother answered the door, father raced her out the back
  5. mikesimpson

    Joke

    SLIGHTLY CHAUVINIST ADULT EDUCATION PROGRAMME APPLICATIONS FOR PLACES IN THE FOLLOWING COURSES ARE INVITED FROM FEMALES WITH FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY Gardening & Lawn Mowing A fulfilling activity when your man is at the footy! Overcoming Inadequacy How to get your mate to teach you to: A: program the video. B: program the washing machine. C: program the dishwasher. D: program the oven & microwave. E: load the CD magazine. without appearing to be an absolute DORK! Competent Drinkwaiting – 1. Basic: A: Beer is served COLD! B: How to wash beer glasses !
  6. mikesimpson

    Joke

    "SLIGHTLY CHAUVINIST" ADULT EDUCATION PROGRAMME APPLICATIONS FOR PLACES IN THE FOLLOWING COURSES ARE INVITED FROM FEMALES WITH FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY Gardening & Lawn Mowing A fulfilling activity when your man is at the footy! Overcoming Inadequacy How to get your mate to teach you to: (1) program the video. (2) program the washing machine. (3) program the dishwasher. (4) program the oven & microwave. (5) load the CD magazine. without appearing an absolute DORK! Competency in Drinkwaiting - Basic: (1) Beer is served COLD! (2) How to wash beer glasses ! (3
  7. mikesimpson

    Joke

    A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 6-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the activity going on next-door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew more or less adopted her as their project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, the
  8. mikesimpson

    Joke

    COLOURFUL AUSSIE LANGUAGE I'M SO HUNGRY: "I could eat the crotch out of a dead leper's undies." "I could eat the horse and chase the jockey." "I could eat a shit sandwich, only I don't like bread." "I could eat the arse out of a rag doll through a cane chair." "I could eat the arse out of a low flying duck." I'M THIRSTY: "I'm as dry as a dead dingo's donger." "I'm as dry as a nun’s nasty." "I'm dry as a fuck with no foreplay." "I'm as dry as a pommy’s bath mat." "I'm as dry as a bull’s bum going up a hill backwards." "I'm drier than an Arab's fart." I NEED A PEE: "Gotta
  9. mikesimpson

    Joke

    A priest takes a walk to the pier near his church and stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman asks the priest if he would like to join him fishing for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says, "No." So he baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot Father!" After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and, after a struggle, manages to get it to the boat. FISHERMAN: Whoa, that is one big sonofabitch! PRIEST: Uh, please my friend, can you mind your
  10. mikesimpson

    Joke

    After a traumatic delivery, the doctor decides the mother has recovered enough to see her child, but he warns her that the baby is terribly deformed and that she must brace herself for the worst. The woman and the doctor walk down the long white halls of the hospital until they come to a special ward. And there, in an incubator, they see a baby with no arms. "Is this my baby?" wails the woman. "I only wish this were your baby." says the doctor. He leads her down another long corridor. Soon they come to another special care ward, and there they see a tiny baby with no a
  11. mikesimpson

    Joke

    A longhaired and slightly effeminate youth was hitchhiking through the Deep South of USA. He got a ride from a mean-looking trucker. After riding about 30 miles in silence, the youth finally said, "Well, aren't you going to ask me?" "Ask you what?" replied the trucker. "If I'm a boy or a girl!" answered the youth. "Don't matter!" replied the trucker, "Gonna fuck ya anyway!"
  12. mikesimpson

    Joke

    A woman was depressed in that she had not had a date or any sex for a long time. Afraid she might have something wrong with her, she decided to employ the expertise of a sex therapist. Her GP referred her to a Dr. Wang, a well-known Chinese sex therapist, so off she went. Entering the examination room, Dr. Wang took one look at her and said, "Ok, take off aw your crows, prease." She quickly disrobed and stood naked before him. "Now!" said Dr. Wang "Get down on your knees and craw reery, reery fass away from me to the other side of room." When she had done that, Dr
  13. mikesimpson

    Joke

    An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. They all suffer from a severe stutter. "What's it to be?" asks the stunningly beautiful barmaid. "Thr thr thr thr thr thr three pi pi pi pi pi.................." says the Englishman. Up steps the Irishman. "Threeee p p p pints of of of of gui gui gui gui..... ..........." Then the Scotsman tries."Th th th th thr thr thr thr thr thr thr . ......" "Oh bugger this!" says the beautiful barmaid and walks away to serve someone else. She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are ready to order yet. "Thr thr thr t
  14. mikesimpson

    Joke

    A guy was walking past a pet shop and stopped to look in the window (as we all do!) where he spotted the cutest animal he had ever seen. Captivated, he went inside and asked the proprietor what sort of animal it was. “That,” said the man, “is a most unusual animal; it’s called a ‘rairy’. They come from the deep jungles of South America and are reputed to be the friendliest and most clever animals on earth. I would caution you that the specimen you see is just a baby, and it will grow to be quite large!” Although it was expensive, the man purchased the rairy and took it home. It pro
  15. mikesimpson

    Joke

    A guy runs into his home and yells, "Honey, pack your bags, I've hit the lottery - all six numbers!" The wife replies excitedly, "That’s just great honey; shall I pack for the mountains or the beach?" The guy says, "Mountains; beach; I don't give a shit, just pack your bags and get the hell out!"
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