Joke

[SloopJonB 8,359]

1 hour ago, P_Wop said:

On her tombstone will be written, "Returned unopened."

"Here lies an old maid, gone but not gotten"

[P_Wop 1,918]

[Bugsy 436]

How do you think the unthinkable?

 

 

Hit an ithe-berg.  

[Ed Lada 2,575]

An oldie but goody.  Especially now that I'm old.

 

An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up....

Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone.

The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."

[billy backstay 972]

8 hours ago, SloopJonB said:

"Here lies an old maid, gone but not gotten"

 

Long before we met, Missus BB used to be into rubbing gravestones with artists charcoal on parchment paper...  Here us the one she never forgot...

 

"Here lies the grave of Solomon Peas,

Under the daisies, under the trees, 

Peas is not here, only the pod,

Peas shelled out, went home to God"

[Ed Lada 2,575]

On 10/18/2020 at 10:41 PM, slap said:

Many highways were designed long ago for cars with drum brakes and bias tires.

While that is no doubt true, ponder this fact.  In the last 40 years highway deaths have gone down in the US.  Before everybody gets all excited it isn't because American drivers have improved their driving skills.  it is because of improvements in vehicle safety such as crush zones, shoulder belts, air bags, and decreased amounts of alcohol allowed in the drivers blood and increased enforcement of dunk driving laws.  If anything, there are more drivers now that are more stupid than ever before.

[Snaggletooth 3,061]

48 minutes ago, Ed Lada said:

If anything, there are more drivers now that are more stupid than ever before.

The cars gotte smartere whille driveres gotte dumbere.                             

[SloopJonB 8,359]

1 hour ago, Ed Lada said:

While that is no doubt true, ponder this fact.  In the last 40 years highway deaths have gone down in the US.  Before everybody gets all excited it isn't because American drivers have improved their driving skills.  it is because of improvements in vehicle safety such as crush zones, shoulder belts, air bags, and decreased amounts of alcohol allowed in the drivers blood and increased enforcement of dunk driving laws.  If anything, there are more drivers now that are more stupid than ever before.

As cars have gotten better, drivers have gotten worse, for sure.

There are a lot of factors involved in reduced deaths but car design is by far the most significant. Not too long ago I saw a crash test between some modern sedan and a '59 Chevy.

The test was a "frontal offset" hit - the drivers fenders hit head on.

The '59 was totalled and the driver would have been dead - front was crushed back to the windshield, the steering column was through the front seat and so forth.

The modern car was badly damaged but the drivers door still worked and the driver would have walked away.

BITD any accident over about 30 MPH was a fatal, now people walk away at those speeds.

[Autonomous 372]

35 minutes ago, SloopJonB said:

As cars have gotten better, drivers have gotten worse, for sure.

 

It used to be called the Volvo effect when Volvo was touted as the safest car.

[P_Wop 1,918]

[Rasputin22 2,676]

On 11/17/2020 at 6:37 AM, Ed Lada said:

I just know that there's a couple of people here that will like this.

 

That reminds me of when my Mom caught me with a copy of James Jones 'Go to the Widowmaker'! 

 

It didn't help that my Dad had given it to me...

[floating dutchman 47]

3 hours ago, Snaggletooth said:

3 hours ago, Ed Lada said:

If anything, there are more drivers now that are more stupid than ever before.

The cars gotte smartere whille driveres gotte dumbere.                             

O.K. so now that I have a car that will accelerate and brake for me in traffic (adaptive cruse control),  Does that mean that I can double the amount of alcohol in my system when I drive?  Think about it, I'm only doing 1/2 the driving so that should mean I can be twice as drunk and still be as safe!

Asking for a friend of course.

[SloopJonB 8,359]

Still can't drink but you can catch a nap or read a book on the highway now.

[P_Wop 1,918]

12 minutes ago, SloopJonB said:

Still can't drink but you can catch a nap or read a book on the highway now.

 

 

[billy backstay 972]

52 minutes ago, SloopJonB said:

Still can't drink but you can catch a nap or read a book on the highway now.

 

You can't drive?? Did you come down with Covid-19, while we were not paying attention, on vacation, in S. Carolina???

[floating dutchman 47]

5 hours ago, P_Wop said:

 

 

Well at least it wasn't Harry Potter on a laptop.

You could really lose you head doing that.

[alphafb552 437]

8 hours ago, SloopJonB said:

Still can't drink but you can catch a nap or read a book on the highway now.

No you can't

https://jalopnik.com/this-video-of-a-terrifying-high-speed-tesla-wreck-is-a-1845655448

[floating dutchman 47]

Thanks for posting that.  As much as I joke about being able to drink more because my car is doing part of the driving, I have noticed this effect.

I do pay less attention when in traffic on cruise control, there is less for me to do so I tend to look out the side window at the view, and in other ways become a bit complacent.   I'd easily imagine that with more automation the mind would wonder more.

Do these types of automation / Safety features actually make cars safer?

 

[warbird 386]

42 minutes ago, floating dutchman said:

 

 

 

Do these types of automation / Safety features actually make cars safer?

 

Safer for drunks I imagine.....

[Grande Mastere Dreade 2,185]

[Grande Mastere Dreade 2,185]

[P_Wop 1,918]

[Grande Mastere Dreade 2,185]

[Black Sox 725]

34 minutes ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

I don't see it in the picture, but I'm sure that, somewhere on the box, it says...

 

"Made in China"

[Trovão 471]

2 hours ago, Black Sox said:

I don't see it in the picture, but I'm sure that, somewhere on the box, it says...

 

"Made in China"

wouldn't that be the other candidate?

[Max Rockatansky 479]

You fuckin’ cocksuckers have a whole goddamned FORUM for your political shit. Fuck you for ruining this thread.

[Grande Mastere Dreade 2,185]

2 hours ago, Max Rockatansky said:

You fuckin’ cocksuckers have a whole goddamned FORUM for your political shit. Fuck you for ruining this thread.

what's political about it?  sore loser..

[Snaggletooth 3,061]

6 minutes ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

2 hours ago, Max Rockatansky said:

You fuckin’ cocksuckers have a whole goddamned FORUM for your political shit. Fuck you for ruining this thread.

what's political about it?  sore loser..

I thick MR ist sayeng thet 'cockesuckeng' mabey a polliticalle acte, 'tryning to currey faviore' or somtheng ealse......    notte siurre...............               

[Bump-n-Grind 764]

improve a words meaning by altering one letter of its spelling....

 

[Black Sox 725]

Two negatives make a positive but two positives can’t make a negative.

Yeah, right.

[Grande Mastere Dreade 2,185]

why did the shark eat pineapples?

 

 

he heard it would make sea men taste better..

[Major Tom 391]

How things work in Africa

 

 

 Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in  
 South Africa.                                                          
                                                                            
 The Mayor of the South African town visited the Spanish town. When he saw  
 the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how he     
 could afford such a house. The Spaniard said; "You see that bridge over    
 there? The EU gave us a grant to build a four-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".                                                                    
                                                                            
 The following year the Spaniard visited the South African town. He was     
 simply amazed at the South African Mayor's house- gold taps, marble        
 floors, it was marvellous. When he asked how this could be afforded the    
 South African said; "You see that bridge over there?"                      
                                                                            
 The Spaniard replied; "No?"

[P_Wop 1,918]

[Ed Lada 2,575]

[Major Tom 391]

[Bump-n-Grind 764]

[P_Wop 1,918]

Two friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them:

“Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn’t turn up.”

“Sure.” They said. “You’re welcome.”  So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Partway around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer. “What do you do for a living?”

He replied, “I’m a hitman.”

“You’re joking!” was the response.

“No, I’m not,” reaching into his golf bag and pulling out a beautiful sniper’s rifle with a large telescopic sight.  “Here are my tools.”

“That’s a beautiful telescopic sight,” said the other friend.  “Can I take a look? Think I might be able to see my house from here.”

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. 

“Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she’s naked! What’s that? Wait a minute, that’s my neighbor in there with her. He’s naked as well! The bitch!”

He turned to the hitman. “How much do you charge for a hit?”

“I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.”

“Can you do two for me now?”

“Sure, what do you want?”

“First my wife, she’s always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he’s a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.”

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

“Are you going to do it or not?” asked the friend impatiently.

“Just be patient and wait a moment,” said the hitman calmly. “I think I can save you a thousand dollars here.”

[warbird 386]

Dad always used to say: ‘the best bit about the fight was the make-up sex.’

Great dad, terrible boxer.

[warbird 386]

RIP Maradonna, he cut more lines than a disabled kid at Disneyland..

[Ed Lada 2,575]

[Timo42 64]

On 11/21/2020 at 11:51 AM, Snaggletooth said:

The cars gotte smartere whille driveres gotte dumbere.                             

 

Can concur.

[Major Tom 391]

A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
 

[Grande Mastere Dreade 2,185]

[warbird 386]

On 12/11/2018 at 12:58 PM, warbird said:

A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie.
When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture.

The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porn film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porn theatre to see the adult movie.
With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row of the adult cinema, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.

The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M, bondage and even a dog.
After a while watching the adult movie, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."

One more time...

[Grande Mastere Dreade 2,185]

[Ed Lada 2,575]

[SloopJonB 8,359]

Reminds me of a joke a friend told.

A man was asking how one could describe the Russian national character.

His friend said "They're like Germans - but without the sense of humour".

[Grande Mastere Dreade 2,185]

[Grande Mastere Dreade 2,185]

[Grande Mastere Dreade 2,185]

[P_Wop 1,918]

[P_Wop 1,918]

[Ed Lada 2,575]

6 hours ago, P_Wop said:

That reminds me of this joke.

 

An American fighter pilot is shot down over Germany during WW II.  He is captured and taken to a POW camp.  The Germans are interrogating him to no avail so they call in an expert from the Gestapo.  The Gestapo man secures the pilot to a wooden chair.   He instructs the pilot to sway in the chair form left to right and as he sways left he is to say "Tick" and then to the right he should say "Tock".  So the pilot sways to the left and says "Tick", sways to the right and says nothing.  To the left, "Tick", to the right, silence.  This goes on for an hour.  The Gestapo man screws his monocle into his eye, bends over with his face close to the pilot's face and says threateningly;

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ve haf vays to make you tock...

[chester 675]

grooooaaan!

[billy backstay 972]

On 12/12/2020 at 7:58 PM, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

 

They claim they won, but the deep state and Dems stole the election....

[warbird 386]

 

[DRIFTW00D 111]

 

[Sean 2,214]

 

 

First Text Message:
Hi, Max. This is Richard, next door. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. When you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently. I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & I hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you. - Richard  
                        

Max, feeling enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, and shot Richard dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Max then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.  

 

Second text message: 

                         
 Hi, Max. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out and noticed that the darned Spell-Check had changed "wi-fi" to "wife." Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all ...

 

 

[Mid 2,923]

[woudaboy 21]

On 11/21/2020 at 2:57 PM, SloopJonB said:

As cars have gotten better, drivers have gotten worse, for sure.

There are a lot of factors involved in reduced deaths but car design is by far the most significant. Not too long ago I saw a crash test between some modern sedan and a '59 Chevy.

The test was a "frontal offset" hit - the drivers fenders hit head on.

The '59 was totalled and the driver would have been dead - front was crushed back to the windshield, the steering column was through the front seat and so forth.

The modern car was badly damaged but the drivers door still worked and the driver would have walked away.

BITD any accident over about 30 MPH was a fatal, now people walk away at those speeds.

Here is video, sorry not fitting for joke thread.

 

 

To make up for the lack of joke, why did the turkey cross the road twice?

To prove he wasn't chicken.

[Grande Mastere Dreade 2,185]

[P_Wop 1,918]

[dorydude 172]

[dorydude 172]

[Grande Mastere Dreade 2,185]

3 hours ago, dorydude said:

i see the foredeck union is out in force..

[peragrin 49]

55 minutes ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

i see the foredeck union is out in force..

Why is it called the aft guard?  Because you can't have that much weight on the bow

[mccroc 87]

I'm really annoyed.

I ordered a DVD box set of "The Caribbean" and I've been sent cheap knocked off copies.

[Bump-n-Grind 764]

A physicist, a biologist, and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time. The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. Obviously he was drowned and never returned.

The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked inside the ocean. He, too, never returned.

The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards, wrote the observation, “The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water.”

 

[Bump-n-Grind 764]

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”

The frog is thrilled! “This is great! Will I meet her at a party?”

“No,” says his advisor, “in her biology class.”

[Bump-n-Grind 764]

Three statisticians go hunting for deer. They spot one off in the distance. The first one shoots about a meter too high; the second one, about a meter too low; the third one yells, “We got it!”

[Bump-n-Grind 764]

The doctor tells a woman that she has only six months to live. He advises her to marry a chemist and move to Toledo. The woman asks, “Will this cure my illness?”

“No,” replies the doctor, “but it will make six months seem like a very long time.”

[Bump-n-Grind 764]

Q: How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.

[Bump-n-Grind 764]

A psychoanalyst shows a patient an inkblot and asks him what he sees. The patient says: “A man and woman making love.”

The psychoanalyst shows him a second inkblot, and the patient says: “That’s also a man and woman making love.”

The psychoanalyst says: “You are obsessed with sex.”

The patient says: “What do you mean I’m obsessed? You’re the one with all the dirty pictures.”

[Bump-n-Grind 764]

A priest buys a lawn mower at a yard sale. Back home, he pulls on the starter rope a few times with no results. He storms back to the yard sale and tells the previous owner, “I can’t get the mower to start!” “That’s because you have to curse to get it started,” says the man. “I’m a man of the cloth. I don’t even remember how to curse.” “You keep pulling on that rope, and it’ll come back to you.”

[Bump-n-Grind 764]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”

[Bump-n-Grind 764]

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

[Bump-n-Grind 764]

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

[Bump-n-Grind 764]

A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.”

“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie.

“I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”

[Bump-n-Grind 764]

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?” The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”

[Bump-n-Grind 764]

A guy is sitting at the doctor's office.

The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating."

"I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?"

"Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you."

[Bump-n-Grind 764]

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs.

The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room."

"You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

[Bump-n-Grind 764]

[Grande Mastere Dreade 2,185]

[Grande Mastere Dreade 2,185]

[Ed Lada 2,575]

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Officer: Age?

Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 50 and 60. We don't do birthdays.

Officer: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

OFFICER : Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

OFFICER : Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown I think.

OFFICER : Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.

OFFICER : What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

OFFICER : What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

OFFICER : What kind of truck was it?

Husband : A 2017, manufactured September 16th, pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 .with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera,

Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch,

sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB ports, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires.

It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.

At this point the husband started choking up.

OFFICER: Take it easy sir, We'll find your truck.

[justsomeguy! 616]

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. 

"How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked excitedly. 

"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet," was the shop owner's reply.

The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." 

The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shopkeeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.

"How beautiful!", she exclaimed, "Can he talk?" 

"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." 

So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shopkeeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." 

The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if you hold the lighter between his legs?" 

The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. 

So he held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

[chester 675]

On 12/25/2020 at 9:32 AM, justsomeguy! said:

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. 

"How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked excitedly. 

"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet," was the shop owner's reply.

The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." 

The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shopkeeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.

"How beautiful!", she exclaimed, "Can he talk?" 

"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." 

So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shopkeeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." 

The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if you hold the lighter between his legs?" 

The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. 

So he held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

groooaaaannn!  well done.

[justsomeguy! 616]

1 hour ago, chester said:

groooaaaannn!  well done.

Yes, it's a groaner.

By the way, do you go by "Chet", Chester?

[Windward 362]

3 minutes ago, justsomeguy! said:

Yes, it's a groaner.

By the way, do you go by "Chet", Chester?

They are roasted, so it's more of a ChEEEEster! during the orchestra warmup.

[P_Wop 1,918]

[Major Tom 391]

I like the type of people whose sense of humour may best be described as ‘inappropriate with a chance of ruining a family dinner’.