Jump to content

Recommended Posts

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her (as all men will).

 

Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 - - on one condition." (there are always conditions!)

 

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

 

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address.

 

She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully said . . "Clean my house."

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Replies 7.7k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Posts

I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for th

One sunny day in late January 2021, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,

Posted Images

A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting, or as some churches call it, "Cry Sunday", one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation:

 

"I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his bike, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."

 

The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats.

 

"Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new." A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sunk in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "there but for the grace of God go I."

 

Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation:

 

My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is: STERNUM!"

Link to post
Share on other sites

You know you are an EXTREME Redneck when......

 

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

 

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

 

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

 

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

 

5 You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

 

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."

 

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

 

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

 

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

 

10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

 

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

 

12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

 

13 You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

 

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

 

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

 

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

 

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

 

And Finally:

 

An East Tennessee couple, both real-live rednecks, had 9 children.

 

They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish

Link to post
Share on other sites

New supermarket

 

 

The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

 

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

Link to post
Share on other sites

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

 

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

 

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there,

is he still wrong?

 

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

 

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

 

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

 

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Apple Computers announced today that it has developed a computer chip

that can store and play music in women's breast implants. The iBoob

will cost between $499 and $599. This is considered to be a major

breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring

at their breasts and not listening to them.

Link to post
Share on other sites

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time westarted cussing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues,

"When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast,

he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor,

gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot

pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.

His Mom locks him in his room and shouts,

"You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice,

"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."

Link to post
Share on other sites

A man walks into a doctors office and says to the doctor "doc i need help every time i have sex with my wife she gets pregnant we already have 6 kids and can't afford any more" so the doctor gives him a box of condoms and says to use one every time he has sex with his wife

 

a month goes by and the man returns to the doctor and says "thoes condoms didnt work my wifes pregnant again" the doctor replies "well maybe you broke them when you were puting them on"

the man replies "put them on hell i was swallowing the dam things" " no wonder my shit kept coming out in little bagies"

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY

 

 

 

Good : Your wife is pregnant.

Bad : With triplets.

Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago.

 

Good : Your wife's not talking to you

Bad : She wants a divorce.

Ugly : She's a lawyer.

 

Good : Your son is finally maturing.

Bad : He's involved with the women next door.

Ugly : So are you.

 

Good : Your son studies a lot in his room.

Bad : You find several porn movies hidden there.

Ugly : You're in them.

 

Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.

Bad : You can't find your birth control pills.

Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them.

Good : Your husband understands fashion.

Bad : He's a cross-dresser.

Ugly : He looks better than you.

 

Good : You just gave "the birds and the bees" talk to your

daughter.

Bad : She keeps interrupting.

Ugly : With corrections

 

Good : Your son is dating someone new.

Bad : It's another man.

Ugly : He's your best friend.

 

Good : Your daughter got a new job.

Bad : As a hooker.

Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients.

Way ugly : She makes more money than you do.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Found this in a magazine on the flight to Annap this weekend:

 

These two women are walking home from a "Girls Night Out," when both are hit with the urge to pee. They snuck into the graveyard that they were passing and did their thing. The first, finding nothing else to use, wiped with her panties and tossed them away. The second found a ribbon on a floral arrangment and wiped with that.

 

The next day, the husband of the second woman gets a call from the husband of the first. Sounding very upset, he said "I don't know what the girls got into last night, but my wife came home without any panties and I'm pretty pissed off about it." The second one said "that's nothing, my wife came home, stripped down and passed out face down, with a card stuck between her ass cheeks that read 'from all the guys at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"

Link to post
Share on other sites

Let me add my little bit to this marvellous collection. Just in from Oz this morning so you guys over there may already know this one. Anyway this thread is way too long to be sure not to duplicate a joke, but here goes:

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

 

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

 

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!

You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

 

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

 

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

Friday's In Hell

 

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first

meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?"

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down

here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink.

Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca.

We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world

and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do"

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want.

Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt,

well, you're dead anyhow.

You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs!

You don't mean . . ."

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack,

or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.

You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation,

"I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

 

The demon said, "You gay?"

 

 

"No."

 

 

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

Link to post
Share on other sites

Irish doctor

 

A Doctor wanted to get off work and play golf, so he approached his Irish assistant Paddy.,

"I am going golfing tomorrow Paddy and I don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all of our patients"

"Yes, sir!" answers Paddy.

The doctor goes off to golf and returns the following day and asks:

So, Paddy, how was your day?

Paddy told him that he took care of three patients.

"The first one had a headache so I gave him Panadol."

"Bravo Mate and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Gastrogel".

"Excellent. You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a woman possessed, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I haven't seen a man!'"

 

"Good God "says the doctor."What did you do?"

 

"I put drops in her eyes!"

Link to post
Share on other sites

One day in the future, Jesse Jackson has a heart attack and dies. He

Immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

 

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but

I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell

You what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't

quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their

place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

 

Jesse thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to

The first room.

 

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and

surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and

Surfaced with nothing.. Such was his fate in hell.

 

"No," Jesse said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't

think I could do that all day long."

 

The devil l led him to the door of the next room.

 

In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he

did was swing that hammer, time after time after time..

 

"No, this is no good, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be

In constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented

Jesse.

 

The devil opened a third door.

 

Through it, Jesse saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over

his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him

Was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

 

Jesse looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man,

I can handle this."

 

 

The devil smiled and said . . . . . . .

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

Link to post
Share on other sites

A woman with two screaming children appproaches a department store and the store greeter notices how particulary fat and very ugly she is as she weilds backhands to both children making them howl even louder.

 

"Good morning to you m'aam" he says.

"What the fuck do you want" asks the ogre of a woman as she swats her sobbing progeny again and again.

"I am the store greeter m'aam...this is my job...and by the way are your children twins?"

"What are you an idiot?" she says "Can't you see the age differences between these two mongrels? What is the liklihood of them being twins you fucking dope?"

"Why certainly I can see the difference M'aam...but the liklihood of them being twins seemed far greater than the liklihood of anyone wanting to fuck you twice."

Link to post
Share on other sites

ok, we know that there is all kinds of sex - but here's a few more ;

 

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."

"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live

on!"

 

LOUD SEX

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem,

doctor.

Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear

splitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see

what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

 

QUIET SEX

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his

wife during a recent lovemaking session,

"How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"

She glanced at him casually and replied,

"You're never home!"

 

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 50th

wedding anniversary.

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that

reads:

'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone

that reads:

Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

 

WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX

My husband came home with a tube of K-Y jelly and said, "This will

make you happy tonight.

He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all

over the doorknobs.

He couldn't get back in.

 

ELDERLY SEX

One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92

year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and

ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor "assisted living

apartment" .. Killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her

if she had anything to say in her defense.

She began coolly, "Yes, your honour. I figured that at 92, if he

could have sex .. He could fly."

 

cheers,

Link to post
Share on other sites

OK, PC hats off for a second please.

 

Why are there only 49 entrants in the "Miss African America" contest?

 

Nobody wanted to be Miss Idaho

Link to post
Share on other sites

Not a joke, per se, but a funny nonetheless. I love engrish.

 

white-dick.jpg

Link to post
Share on other sites
An escaped convict breaks into a house, only to find a young couple in bed. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

 

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.

 

"If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

 

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline."

 

"I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too."

Link to post
Share on other sites

TWO FLEAS FROM DETROIT

>>

>>Two fleas from Detroit had an agreement to meet every winter in

>>Miami for a

>>vacation.

>>

>>Last year when one flea gets to Miami , he's all blue, shivering

>>and shaking,

>>darn near froze to death!

>>The other flea asks him, "What the hell happened to you?"

>>

>>The first flea says, "I rode down here in the mustache of a guy on

>>a Harley."

>>

>>The other flea responds saying," That's the worst way to travel.

>>Try what I do.

>>Go to the Metro airport bar. While you are there, have a few

>>drinks,

>>look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where

>>it's warm

>>and cozy. It's the best way to travel that I can think of."

>>

>>The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a

>>try next winter.

>>

>>A year goes by..... When the first flea shows up in Miami he is all

>>blue,

>>and shivering and shaking again . Darn near froze to death.

>>

>>The second flea says , "Didn't you try what I told you?"

>>

>>Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said...... I went

>>to the

>>Metro airport bar and had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young

>>stewardess came in.

>>I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm

>>that I fell asleep immediately. When I woke up,

>>I was back in the mustache of a guy on a Harley."

Link to post
Share on other sites

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

 

"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

 

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was

quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

 

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

 

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

 

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

 

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother, a 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden greenand I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"

 

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

 

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods,grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

 

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.

 

"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign

from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

 

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

 

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

 

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

 

"You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"

Link to post
Share on other sites

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman whowas particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She

decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it overwith quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to

shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the firstplace. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and becomea vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to

inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. Thedoctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast". Later that night........ Mildred was admitted

to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Link to post
Share on other sites

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

 

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

 

A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

 

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the grandson... "They won't let me fart."

Link to post
Share on other sites

A dedicated union worker was attending a convention in Kalgoorlie, Western Australia and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

 

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

 

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

 

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered

 

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

 

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

 

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

 

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

 

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her," he said.

 

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

Link to post
Share on other sites

Broke Back Girl

 

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

 

 

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

 

 

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

 

 

Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. "You should go into town and kick up your heels."

 

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

 

 

He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

 

 

She quietly called him over to her.

 

 

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

 

 

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

 

 

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

 

 

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

 

 

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

 

 

Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"

Link to post
Share on other sites

Why we forward Jokes.

 

 

 

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the

scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

 

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for

years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

 

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the

road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken

by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

 

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that

looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like

pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he

saw a man at a desk to one side.

 

When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

 

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

 

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

 

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right

up."

 

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

 

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler

asked.

 

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

 

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued

the way he had been going with his dog.

 

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a

dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been

closed. There was no fence.

 

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and

reading a book.

 

"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"

 

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."

 

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.

 

"There should be a bowl by the pump."

 

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand

pump with a bowl beside it.

 

The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he

gave some to the dog.

 

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was

standing by the tree.

 

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

 

"This is Heaven," he answered.

 

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said

that was Heaven, too."

 

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope.

That's hell."

 

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

 

"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their

best friends behind."

 

Soooo...

 

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing

a word.

 

Maybe this will explain.

 

When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do?

You forward jokes.

 

When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward

jokes.

 

When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you

forward jokes.

 

Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important,

you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?

 

A forwarded joke.

 

So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just

another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your

friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

 

You are all welcome @ my water bowl anytime

Link to post
Share on other sites

How about another Blond Joke.

 

 

A young ventriloquist was touring the clubs; one night he was doing a show in a small town near NSW. With his dummy on his knee, he started going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

 

Suddenly, a blonde in the 4th row stood up on her chair and shouted, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?

What's the color of a person's hair got to do with her intelligence and worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humour!"

 

The embarrassed ventriloquist began to apologize, the infuriated blonde yelled, "You damn well stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little arsehole on your knee!". :huh:

Link to post
Share on other sites

As an old priest was dying, he sent a message to his IRS agent and his lawyer (who were members of his church) and asked them to come to his home. When they arrived they were ushered up to his bedroom and as they entered, the priest weakly motioned them to chairs on each side of his bed. Once they were seated he grasped their hands and sighing contently, he closed his eyes and smiled at the ceiling.

For a time no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and the lawyer were deeply touched that their priest would ask them to be with him during his final moments. At the same time they were somewhat puzzled because the old priest had never given any indication that he particularly liked either of them.

Finally the lawyer asked, "Father, why did you ask the two of us to come?"

To which the old priest whispered, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."

Link to post
Share on other sites

A man was out fishing. He began his outing with a 25kg Kingfish on the first drop and a 20 lb snapper on the second. On the third drop he had just scored his first ever King Terakihi ,when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition in ICU.

 

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he Was leaving, what was shaping up to be, his best ever fishing trip.

He decided to get in a couple of more drifts before heading to the hospital.

He ended up catching several personal bests, and all in all, had His best days fishing by far. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered His wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.

He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and kept Fishing didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the ocean, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished the fishing because it will be more than likely your last!"

"For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care.

And you'll be her care giver!"

 

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed .

The doctor snickered and said, "Just fcuking with you..... She's dead.... What'd you catch?"

Link to post
Share on other sites

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?" The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Link to post
Share on other sites

Climb onto your neighbour's roof and dangle a fish on

a bit of string in front of his windows. He'll think

his house is underwater.

 

Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply

get pissed, lie in a pit in your garden and shag every

bloke who looks at you over the fence.

 

Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours.

Then annoy them by standing outside their window and

changing their channel using your identical remote

control.

 

MOTORISTS. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second

time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your

fog lights off.

 

Cheer loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the

neighbours into thinking you have won the Lottery.

 

Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball

over-arm, don't, because you can't and it just looks

silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and

no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.

 

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an

ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside

it before you put it on.

 

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by

aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll

invariably wake up in a strange place the following

morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

 

 

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering

any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

 

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates

by simply changing your name to match your existing

plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,

 

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply

stand closer to the object you wish to view.

 

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus

arriving fully refreshed and on time.

 

Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind

your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time,

stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to

someone else's house.

 

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish

bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to

swim in an amusing manner.

 

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only

looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. - D.

Rogers, Hemel Hempstead

 

When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH

directions in case a large blue furniture removal

lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road. - D.

Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary

 

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a

spoonful of lard.

 

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your

legs, start eating cakes again.

 

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded,

makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

 

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk

of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure

you book a flight to your intended destination in the

first place.

 

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small

bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.

 

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps

makes an inexpensive vibrator. Sister S., Berwick

 

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken

anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. - B.

Johnson, Canada

 

Sweetcorn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply

pouring the stuff straight down the pan.

 

Pretend you`re a giant panda by giving yourself two

black eyes, eating only bamboo shoots and refusing to

have sex with the missus.

Link to post
Share on other sites

NOTES ON BUSINESS

 

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:* You have two cows.

* You sell one and buy a bull.

* Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

* You sell them and retire on the income.

 

AMERICAN CAPITALISM (or Enro-capitalism):

* You have two cows.

* You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

 

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:

* You have two cows.

* You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

* You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

 

A FRENCH CORPORATION:

* You have two cows.

* You go on strike because you want three cows.

 

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:

* You have two cows.

* You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce 20 times the milk.

* You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

 

A GERMAN CORPORATION:

* You have two cows.

* You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

 

A BRITISH CORPORATION:

* You have two cows.

* Both are mad.

 

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:

* You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

* You break for lunch.

 

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:

* You have two cows.

* You count them and learn you have five cows.

* You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

* You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.

* You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

 

A SWISS CORPORATION:

* You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.

* You charge others for storing them.

 

A CHINESE CORPORATION:

* You have two cows.

* You have 300 people milking them.

* You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

 

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION:

* You have two cows.

* That one on the left is kinda cute...

Link to post
Share on other sites

probably already posted somewhere in this thread but can always do with a rerun if it is...couldn't be stuffed checking...so...

 

A beautiful, well-endowed, young lady goes to her local pet shop in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs.

 

The sign says:

 

Sex Frogs! Only £20 each! Money Back Guarantee!

 

(Comes with complete instructions)

 

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packs up the frog and says, "Just follow the instructions carefully."

 

The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she takes out the instructions and reads them carefully. She does exactly what is specified:

1. Take a shower.

2. Splash on some nice perfume.

3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.

4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you. Allow the frog to follow its training.

 

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says: "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet shop." So, the lady phones the pet shop. The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over."

 

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The lady welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."

 

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says:

 

"Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

Link to post
Share on other sites

Chris Rock on relationships:

 

I just had to post this link.

Please note: there is tons of swearing as it is Chris Rock on fire.

Truly funny, and I needed to hear this and to laugh seriously out loud.

Although it is way over the top and I am not in agreement with all he says...the spirit in which he speaks is excellent.

 

It seems to fit, what with all the talk of men and women and our interactions lately in so many threads.

 

I love that one Evo! Thanks.

Link to post
Share on other sites

R Booth reminded me of one...

 

Why do crackheads do it doggy style?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So they both can stare out the blinds.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Chris Rock on relationships:

 

I just had to post this link.

Please note: there is tons of swearing as it is Chris Rock on fire.

Truly funny, and I needed to hear this and to laugh seriously out loud.

Although it is way over the top and I am not in agreement with all he says...the spirit in which he speaks is excellent.

 

It seems to fit, what with all the talk of men and women and our interactions lately in so many threads.

 

I love that one Evo! Thanks.

Holy crap that is funny. I needed that.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Chris Rock on relationships:

 

I just had to post this link.

Please note: there is tons of swearing as it is Chris Rock on fire.

Truly funny, and I needed to hear this and to laugh seriously out loud.

Although it is way over the top and I am not in agreement with all he says...the spirit in which he speaks is excellent.

 

It seems to fit, what with all the talk of men and women and our interactions lately in so many threads.

 

I love that one Evo! Thanks.

Now everyone at the office knows I am not working!

Link to post
Share on other sites

We should have a

LAUGHTER ANARCHY

because...well just because period

 

I know we are supposed to type up jokes, but you all know I cannot type.

So I will paste another link called:

Laughter is Contagious.

 

I dare you, nay, I double dare you to try to not laugh during this.

I can hardly breathe right now.

 

Laughter heals.

Have at it Mr. Rosenberg.

This one is for you too!!!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sentence Structure is everything!

 

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people,

Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super

workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who

used the water cooler the next morning.

 

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all

night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

 

The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before but I

have to lay you or Jack off."

 

"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."

Link to post
Share on other sites

If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all of the world's great literary works in Braille.

Link to post
Share on other sites

This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car at a light while not really paying attention.

 

Anyway, the fella who was driving got out...And he was a dwarf.

 

He said, "I'm not happy"........

 

I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

 

 

 

Bahdum-pum .... Just for you Grumpy! :P

Link to post
Share on other sites
We should have a

LAUGHTER ANARCHY

because...well just because period

 

I know we are supposed to type up jokes, but you all know I cannot type.

So I will paste another link called:

Laughter is Contagious.

 

I dare you, nay, I double dare you to try to not laugh during this.

I can hardly breathe right now.

 

Laughter heals.

Have at it Mr. Rosenberg.

This one is for you too!!!

 

Hey on the topic of contagious laughter. Has anyone heard that guy from 'Jack in the Box' describe a car accident whilst pissing himself laughing because 3 little old ladies beat the other guy up? It used to be posted on that 'other' site. I'll have to find a link....

Link to post
Share on other sites

A woman about to get married is worried her husband will be angry that she isn’t a virgin. So she asks her doctor if there’s anything he can do for her.

“Medically, I’m afraid not, but there is something you can try,” says the doctor.

“On the wedding night, when you’re getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it on your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it’s the sound of your hymen snapping.”

After a wonderful wedding reception, the couple retire to their room. She places him on the bed then says she has to run to the bathroom to freshen up.

She slides the elastic band up her leg, turns off the light and excitedly jumps into bed with her husband.

The action begins, and when her husband slips it in she snaps the elastic band. “F__king hell!”? he bellows. “What was that?” The wife purrs, “Oh, nothing, that’s just my hymen snapping.”

The husband cries out, “Well snap it again! It’s got my balls!”?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Jim and Ethel had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their two-up two-down terrace house. After a few days an attractive young woman applies for the room. She explains that she is a model working in a nearby studio and needs the room for a few weeks. Ethel shows her the house and they agree to start straight away.

"There's just one problem," explains the model. "Because of my job I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."

"That's not a problem," replies Ethel, "we have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room, in front of the fire, and fill it with hot water."

"What about your husband?" asks the model. "Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he'll be out in the evenings," replies Ethel.

"Good," says the model, "that's settled. I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."

 

 

That evening Jim dutifully goes to his darts match whilst Ethel prepares the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model steps into the bath and Ethel is amazed to see that she has no pubic hair. The model notices Ethel's staring eyes, smiles and explains that it is part of her job to shave herself especially when modelling swim wear or underclothes. Later when Jim returns, Ethel relates this oddity and he does not believe her. "It's true, I tell you," says Ethel. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."

The next night Jim leaves as usual and Ethel prepares the bath for the model. As the model steps naked into the bath, Ethel, standing behind her, looks towards the curtains, and points towards the model's hairless crotch. Then she lifts up her skirt and wearing no panties, points to her own hairy thatch.

Later that evening, Jim returns and they retire to bed. "Well do you believe me now?" she asks Jim.

"Yes," he replies. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But, why did you lift up your skirt and show yours too?"

"Just to show you the difference," answers Ethel, "but anyway you've seen me with no knickers on thousands of times."

"Yes," says Jim, "I have, but the rest of the darts team haven't!"

Link to post
Share on other sites

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the

 

woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his

 

 

 

back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

 

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured

 

it over the little guy, reviving him.

 

 

 

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.

 

 

 

"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.

 

 

 

"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so

 

whaddya want?"

 

 

 

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't

 

 

 

want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And the

 

golfer walks off.

 

 

 

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "I have to do

 

something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a

 

great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex

 

life."

 

 

 

A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American

 

golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the

 

woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. "Twas me that made

 

 

 

ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye,

 

how's yer golf game?"

 

 

 

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "I'm an internationally

 

famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all

 

right."

 

 

 

"Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know.

 

And tell me, how's yer money situation?"

 

 

 

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I

 

just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know

 

 

 

were there!"

 

 

 

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

 

 

 

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says

 

shyly, "It's OK."

 

 

 

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I

 

did a good job. How many times a week?"

 

 

 

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once,

 

sometimes twice a week."

 

 

 

"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or

 

twice a week?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic

 

priest in a small parish."

Link to post
Share on other sites

ScottMax ... you forgot the punchline ... the recipient of the Leprechaun's goodwill was a priest!

 

That's why he blushed and whispered.

 

Sheesh, mate, it's all in the delivery. :lol:

Link to post
Share on other sites

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came

out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

 

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

 

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

 

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

 

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

 

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

 

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these bre*sts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

 

Clearing his throat, he stammered .... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
ScottMax ... you forgot the punchline ... the recipient of the Leprechaun's goodwill was a priest!

 

That's why he blushed and whispered.

 

Sheesh, mate, it's all in the delivery. :lol:

 

 

Bit of a cock up that one :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

 

Thanks for the save, at least it is in the next post.

 

Edit: I had to go back and fix it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Donald Rumsfeld's successor Robert Gates briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that Three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq . To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering.

 

 

 

Finally, he composed himself and asked Gates,

 

 

 

 

 

"Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

Link to post
Share on other sites

This made me laugh. This is one reason I have a healthy fear of the ocean.

 

 

>

>

>This is even funnier when you realize it's real!

> Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy.

>Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . He

>performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

>Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.

>She then sent it to a radio station in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was

>sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

>

>

 

>

>

>Hi Sis,

>

>Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

>Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling

>down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to

>make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what

>happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my

>job.

>As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea.

>I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the

>water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a

>diesel-powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment

>sucks the water out of the sea, heats it to a delightful temperature,

>then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to

>the air hose.

>Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times

>with no complaints.

>

>What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose

>and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with

>warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

>

>Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my bum started to

>itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within

>a few seconds my bum started to burn! I pulled the hose out from my

>back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.

>The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my

>suit.

>

>Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't

>stick to it. However, the crack of my bum was not as fortunate. When I

>scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the

>jellyfish into the crack of my bum.

>

>I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His

>instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other

>divers, were all laughing hysterically Needless to say I aborted the

>dive.

>

>I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression Stops

>totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin

>my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was

>wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

>

>As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running

>down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my bum

>as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I

>couldn't poo for two days because my bum was swollen shut.

>

>So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much

>worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your bum.

>

>Now repeat to yourself, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."

>

>Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish Bad

>day

Link to post
Share on other sites

Not sure if this one was posted before but it's worth reading again:

 

Two builders (Dave and Stevo) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters (Phil) orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

 

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of The suit.

 

Dave : - I reckon he's an accountant.

 

Stevo : - No way - he's a stockbroker.

 

Dave : - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

 

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for The toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit (Phil) is standing at a urinal, curiosity and the several beers get The better of The builder.

 

Dave : - 'Scuse me.. no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

 

Phil : - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

 

Dave : - Oh! What's that then?

 

Phil : - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?

 

Dave : - Er... mmm . well yeah, I do as it happens!

 

Phil : - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

 

Dave : - It's in a pond!

 

Phil : - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

 

Dave : - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

 

Phil : - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

 

Dave : - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!

 

Phil : - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

 

Dave : - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

 

Phil : - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

 

Dave :- Yep! Four nights a week!

 

Phil: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do Not masturbate very often?

 

Dave : - Me? Never.

 

Phil : - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

 

Dave : - How's that then?

 

Phil : - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

 

Dave : - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!

 

Both leave The toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

 

Stevo : - I see The suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

 

Dave : - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

 

Stevo : - What's that then?

 

Dave : - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

 

Stevo : - Nope.

 

Dave : - Well then, you're a wanker

Link to post
Share on other sites

The Battle of Trafalger, as it would be fought in 2007

 

 

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

 

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

 

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

 

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

 

Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability." "What gobbledegook is this?"

 

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job

getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

 

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

 

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

 

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

 

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

 

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ...........full speed ahead."

 

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

 

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

 

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

 

Nelson: "What?"

 

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

 

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

 

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."

 

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

 

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

 

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

 

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is underrepresented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

 

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

 

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

 

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

 

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

 

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

 

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

 

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

 

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

 

Nelson: "We're not?"

 

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

 

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

 

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

 

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

 

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

 

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

 

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

 

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

 

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

 

Nelson: "In that case ...kiss me, Hardy."

Link to post
Share on other sites

A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there were only 3

survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre..........

 

They manage to swim to a small island.......and they lived there for a couple

of years............ doing what's natural for men and women to do.....

 

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely

horrible about what she had been doing...................

 

She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed

herself...............

 

It was very tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and, after a

while.................. nature once more took its inevitable

course..............

 

Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel

absolutely horrible about what they where doing.....................

So................

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They buried her.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.

 

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

 

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

 

The first kid says, You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

 

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

 

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

 

The second kid replies, "Whoa, good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

Link to post
Share on other sites

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine

restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes

over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed

kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

 

His wife glares at him and says, . . . . . . "Who the hell was

that?"

 

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

 

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had

enough, I want

a divorce."

 

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember,

if we get a

divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more

wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more

Infinities and Lexuses in the garage and no more yacht club.

But the decision is yours."

 

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a

gorgeous babe on

his arm.

 

"Who's that woman with Jim?". asks the wife.

 

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

 

She replies, . . . . . . . . . "Ours is prettier."*

Link to post
Share on other sites

no idea if this has been posted before, but it seems familiar:

 

> HOME MECHANIC'S TOOLS AND THEIR USAGE.....

> HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays

> is used as a kind of radar device to locate expensive parts not far

> from the object we are trying to hit.

>

> MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of

> cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly

> well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

>

> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in

> their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for

> drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that

> goes to the rear wheel.

>

> PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

>

> HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the pessimism

> principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable

> motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more

> dismal your future becomes.

>

> VICE- GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is

> available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to

> the palm of your hand.

>

> OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various

> flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the

> grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing grease

out of.

>

> WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and

> motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or

> 1/2 socket you've been searching for, the last 15 minutes.

>

> DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching

> flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the

> chest and flings your coffee across the room, splattering it against

> that freshly painted part you were drying.

>

> WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere

> under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint

> whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you

> to say, "Ouc...."

>

> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground

> after you have installed your new front disk brake set-up, trapping

> the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

>

> EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle

> upward off a hydraulic jack.

>

> TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

>

> PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another

> hydraulic floor jack.

>

> SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for

> spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

Link to post
Share on other sites

no idea if these were posted before either, though i did a half assed search this time:

 

" British Airways flight asks for push back clearance

from terminal.

Control Tower replies: "And where is the world's

most experienced airline

going today without filing a flight plan?"

-----------------------

ATC: Alitalia 345 continue taxi holding position 26

South via Tango check for workers along taxiway

AZA: Ali345 Taxi 26 Left a via Tango. Workers

checked - all are working

-----------------------

ARN851: "Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of

13,000 for 10,000,

requesting runway 15."

Halifax Terminal (female): "Nova 851 Halifax, the

last time I gave a pilot

what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks.

Expect runway 06."

--------------------------

ACA1147: "Moncton, Air Canada 1147, can you get the

winds from 167 above us?"

CZQM: "As soon as I get a chance, I will." (some

time passes with continuous radio chatter)

ACA1147: "Moncton, 1147, what are his winds up

there?"

CZQM: "Standby for that, please" (more radio

chatter)

ACA1147: "Moncton, can you ask company 167 for his

winds?"

CZQM: "Ok, 1147 and 167, I have a little too much to

do for that sort of thing right now. I'll leave it

up to you guys to go over to company frequency and

pass winds."

-----------------------

Lost student pilot: "Unknown airport with Cessna 150

circling overhead, identify yourself."

-----------------------

NY Ctr: "Federal Express 235, descend, maintain

three one zero,

expect lower in ten miles."

FedEx 235: "Okay, outta three five for three one oh,

FedEx two

thirty-five."

NY Ctr: "Delta fahv twuntee, climb one ninah zeruh,

dat'll be finah..."

Delta 520: "Uhh... up to one niner zero, Delta five

twenty."

NY Ctr: "Al-italia wonna sixxa, you slowa to

two-a-fifty, please."

Alitalia 16: "HEY! You makea funna Alitalia?!"

NY Ctr: "Oh, no! I make-a funna Delta anna FedEx!"

--------------------------

Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?

Pilot: Yes.

Tower: Yes what??

Pilot: Yes, SIR

---------------------------

Contol: "AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for

27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on

final; reduce speed to 130 knots."

Pilot: "Rogo', Frankfurt. We're bringing this big

bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fer ya."

Cont: (a few moments later): "AF33, helicopter

traffic at 90 knots now1 1/2 miles ahead of you;

reduce speed further to 110 knots."

Pilot: "AF thirty-three reining this here bird back

further to 110 knots"

Cont: "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown,

helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce

speed to 90 knots"

Pilot (a little miffed): "Sir, do you know what the

stall speed of this here C-130 is?"

Cont: "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can

probably tell you."

--------------------------

ATC: "Cessna G-ARER What are your intentions? "

Cessna: "To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and

Instrument Rating."

ATC: "I meant in the next five minutes not years."

--------------------------

Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.

Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship.

Controller: oah oah! You have traffic!

---------------------

O'Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L

approach, maintain speed 250 knots.

USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to

maintain that speed?

O'Hare Approach: All the way to the gate if you can.

USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.

----------------------

ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH 1019.

Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?

ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH 1019

------------------------

Cessna 152: "Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven

Hundred"

Controller: "Roger, contact Houston Space Center"

--------------------------

727 pilot: "Do you know it costs us two thousand

dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?"

Controller: "Roger, give me four thousand dollars

worth."

----------------

Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi

in front of the 747.

ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.

-------------------------

Student Pilot: "I'm lost; I'm over a big lake and

heading toward the big E."

Controller: "Make several 90 degree turns so I can

identify you on radar."

(short pause)...

Controller: "Okay then. That big lake is the

Atlantic Ocean. Suggest you

turn to the big W immediately .."

--------------------

Pilot: "Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000'

and 40 DME."

Approach: "Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain

8000'."

Pilot: "Approach, 202's unable that descent rate."

Approach: "What's the matter 202? Don't you have

speed brakes?"

Pilot: "Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not

yours."

-----------------------------

Tower: "...and for your information, you were

slightly to the left of the centerline on that

approach."

Speedbird: "That's correct; and, my First Officer

was slightly to the right"

-----------------------

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to

departure...by the way as we lifted off we saw some

kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "National 63 cleared for takeoff...did you

copy the report from Eastern?"

National 63: "Roger, Tower, cleared for takeoff...

yes, we've already notified our caterers."

-----------------------

ATC: "N123YZ, say altitude."

N123YZ: "ALTITUDE!"

ATC: "N123YZ, say airspeed."

N123YZ: "AIRSPEED!"

ATC: "N123YZ, say cancel IFR."

N123YZ (Pause) "ax|ax|Eight thousand feet, one

hundred fifty knots indicated."

-----------------

Tower: "Alpha Charlie, climb to 4000 ft for noise

abatement"

Pilot: "How can I possibly be creating excess noise

at 2000 ft?"

Tower: "At 4000 ft you will miss the twin coming at

you at 2000 ft, and

that is bound to avoid one hell of a racket".

--------------------

BB: "Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet."

Bay Approach: "Barnburner 123, say reason for

requested altitude."

BB: "Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500,

I've nearly been run over

by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!"

Bay: "That's a good reason. 8300 approved."

------------------------------

Pilot: Oakland Ground, Cessna 1234 at Sierra

Academy. Taxi, Destination

Stockton

Ground: Cessna 1234, Taxi Approved, report leaving

the airport

--------------------------

Controller: "Air Force 53, it appears your engine

has... oh...disregard, I see you've already

ejected."

---------------------------

Tower: "Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report

your heading."

Pilot: "Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345..."

---------------------------------

Pilot Trainee: "Tower, please speak slowly, I am a

baby in English and lonely in the cockpit"

--------------------------------

Tower: "Aircraft on final, go around, there's an

aircraft on the runway!"

Pilot Trainee: "Roger" (pilot continues approach)

Tower: "Aircraft, I said GO AROUND!!!"!

Pilot Trainee: "Roger"

The trainee doesn't react, lands the aircraft on the

numbers, rolls to a

twin standing in the middle of the runway, goes

around the twin and

continues to the taxiway.

------------------------

Tower: "Mission 123, do you have problems?"

Pilot: "I think, I have lost my compass."

Tower: "Judging the way you are flying, you lost the

whole instrument panel!"

-----------------------

Controller: "CRX600, are you on course to SUL?"

Pilot: "More or less."

Controller: "So proceed a little bit more to SUL."

----------------------------

Pilot: "Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242

request start up and push

back, please."

Tower: "KLM 242 expect start up in two hours."

Pilot: "Please confirm: two hours delay?"

Tower: "Affirmative."

Pilot: "In that case, cancel the good morning!""

Link to post
Share on other sites

Nice one Mustang. Had the whole office chuckling.

 

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".

 

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

 

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

 

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

 

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.

 

He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

 

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

 

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

 

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

 

You're going to love this....................

 

Keep going??????..

 

Ready?..........

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck!"

Link to post
Share on other sites

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been

dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger

sister. My prospective sister-in-law was 22, wore very tight miniskirts, and

generally went bra-less. She would regularly bend down when

she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be

deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

 

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to

check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived,

and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that

she just couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married

and committed my life to her sister.

 

Well, I was in total shock,and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom,

and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and take me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her cute ass go up the

stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a

beeline, straight for the front door. I opened the door, and headed

towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was

standing outside and all were clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said ,

We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We

couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

 

And the moral of this story is......

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

Always keep your condoms in your car!

Link to post
Share on other sites
Ummmm................. that was 1000 posts ago. wal' was just doing a refresher. Reading 17 pages of jokes to see if you're repeating can be time consuming.

 

Hell. I don't even have time to go look for the post even though I know the number...

Link to post
Share on other sites

A live sheep transport ship (NZ flag) sank in a storm. One bloke, his kelpie and a few sheep survived and made it to an island. After quite some time the bloke attempted to fraternise with a one of the better looking ewes but the dog chased him away with some menacing growls and baring of the fangs. The status quo was maintained by the dog for some time when one morning a woman, a real stunner, swam ashore after surviving a ship wreck. As she recovered, she was so pleased to find company she asked the bloke if she could do anything for him.........

 

“Yep” he replied quick as a flash, “could you take the dog for a walk..... ?”.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died.

 

As they stood at the gates of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said, "You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly."

 

St. Peter looked at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge."

 

Next St. Peter looked at John and said, "You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon."

 

St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari."

 

A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying.

 

"What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You are set forever! Why so down?"

 

Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw my wife go by on a skate boar

Link to post
Share on other sites

Three guys sitting in a bar talking

One guy has a large bump and graze on the top of his forehead

 

His mate says to him

How did you get that lump on your head.

 

Guy Replies

I was giving the wife a doggy and she ran under the house

Link to post
Share on other sites
There are 10 kinds of people in this world

 

Those who understand binary, and those who dont.

 

There are actually three types of people in this world.

 

Those who can count, and those who can't

 

BS

Link to post
Share on other sites

A man and woman were having marital problems so they went to see a

marriage counselor. The counselor, in an attempt to find some common

ground from which to begin his analysis said,

 

"Tell me about anything the two of you have in common."

 

The husband spoke up and said, "Well, neither one of us sucks dicks."

Link to post
Share on other sites

ELEPHANTS REALLY HAVE MEMORIES? AN INTERESTING STORY!

 

(I don't usually like these heartwarming stories, but this one is truly

amazing and interesting.....)

 

In 1982, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from

Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young

bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed

distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee

and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply

embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the

wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down

its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious

look on its face, stared at him for Several Tense Moments.

 

Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually

the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mbembe never forgot

that elephant or the events of that day.

 

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his

teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the

creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were

standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot

off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then

trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

 

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this

was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the

railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the

elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped

its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing,

killing him instantly.

 

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Link to post
Share on other sites

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club

after exercising.

Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up,

and the following conversation ensues:

- "Hello?"

- "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

- "Yes."

- "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a

beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

- "What's the price?"

- "Only $1,500.00."

- "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."

- "Ash, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models.

I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really

good price... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

 

- "What price did he quote you?"

- "Only $60,000..."

- "OK, but for that price you should insist on all the options."

- "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."

- "What?"

- "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and... I

stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at

last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of

park area, beachfront property..."

- "How much are they asking?" - "Only $450,000 - a magnificent price... and I

see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."

- "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"

- "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

- "Bye...I do too..."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap. He raises his hand, holding the

phone, and asks: "Does anyone know whom this phone belongs to?"

Link to post
Share on other sites

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

 

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.

 

"O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.

 

"No, no boyfriend either."

 

"Do you have a partner then?"

 

"No, I'm not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

 

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman, "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."

 

"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black."

 

"Oh, I`m very sorry," says the midwife, "that`s really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

 

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy."

 

"Oh, I`m sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."

 

"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

 

At this, the midwife again apologises, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt.

 

The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!"

 

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

 

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."

Link to post
Share on other sites