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A 747 was starting its descent and the pilot had forgotten to turn off the P.A. system.

 

"As soon as I clock off" he said, "I'm going to have a nice cold beer and then screw the arse off that blonde flight attendant." The horrified flight attendant made a dash toward the cockpit, but tripped over in the aisle.

 

A little old lady sitting there whispered, "There's no need to hurry love, he said he was going to have a beer first."

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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for th

One sunny day in late January 2021, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,

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Three friends from Thibodeaux, Louisiana were asked,

 

When you're in your casket, and your friends and church members are mourning over you, what would you like dem to say?"

 

Trosclair said: "I would like dem to say, I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

 

Leblanc commented: "I would like dem to say, I was a wonderful teacher, and servant of da church, who made a huge difference in people's lives."

 

Boudreaux said: "I'd like dem to say, 'Look, he's movin!'"

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GOLFING TERMINOLOGY

1. Paris Hilton - an expensive hole

2. A Dennis Wise - a nasty 5 footer

3. A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read

4. A Rio Ferdinand - Lipped out

5. A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't

6. A Cuban - needs one more revolution

7. An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim

8. An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker

9. A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand

10. A Kate Winslett - little bit fat but otherwise perfect

11. A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional

12. A Glen Miller - kept low but didn't make it over the water

13. An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result

14. A Russell Grant - a fat iron

15. A Rodney King - over-clubbed

16. An O.J. Simpson - got away with it

17. A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver

18. A Robin Cook - just died on the hill

19. A Michael Jackson - gradually fading

20. A Douglas Bader - looked good in the air, but didn't have the legs

21. A Ken Livingstone - quite far left

22. A Jean-Marie LePen - a long way right

23. A Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems

24. A Mrs Patel - ugly, but good worker

25. A condom - safe but didn't feel real good

26. A circus tent - a BIG top

27. An Anna Kournikova - looks great, but unlikely to get result

28. A Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you're not expecting it

29. A Cathy Freeman - ugly, but runs like F**k

30. A Liz McColgan - ugly but runs forever

31. A Brazilian - Shaves both sides of the hole

32. A sister-in-law - you are up there but you know you really shouldn't be

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The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch, then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."

She says, "Why, are you sick?"

He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, "Where the heck are you going?"

She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

He says, "Why, what do you need?"

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot

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A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough.

After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress,

and two locals, Wally and Brian sitting at the next table turned to

look at her.

" Ken ya swaller?" asked Wally

The woman signalled 'No!' desperately shaking her head.

" Ken ya breathe?" asked Brian. The woman shook her head 'No!!!'

With that, Wally walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,

yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of

her bum.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction

flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again. Wally swaggered

back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Brian said in admiration "Ya know Wally , I'd heard of that bloody Hind

Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it!

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A guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" he says.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replies.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name of one of the

horses I bet on," he explains.

She looks satisfied and apologizes.

Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.

When he comes to, he says, "What the hell was that for?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Your horse phoned."

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Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty quid " she whispers.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the heck, its only

twenty quid

So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" for a couple of

minutes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them, it's a police

officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," Paddy answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," Paddy says, "neither did I, until you shined that light in her

face.

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A woman dropped in unannounced at her son's house.

Having knocked on the door she immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in- law lying

on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work." The daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This

is my love dress,"

the daughter-in- law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Justin loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "Every time he sees

me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered,put

on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on

the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband

came home.

He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered,

sensually...................................

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"It Needs ironing," he said, "What's for dinner?"

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(for those that don't know the area, Glasgow Airport is actually in Abbotsinch)

 

'Twas doon by the inch o' Abbots

 

Oor Johnny walked one day

When he saw a sicht that troubled him

Far more that he could say

A fanatic muslim bassa

Wiz doin what he'd planned

And intae Glesca's departure hall

A Cherokee he'd rammed.

 

A big Glaswegian polis

Came forward tae assist

He thocht "a wumman driver"

Or at least someone half-pissed

But to his shock nae drunken Jock

Emerged to grasp his hand

But a flamin Arab loony

Frae Al Qaeda's band

 

The mad Islamist nut-case

Had set hissel' on fire

And swung oot at the polis

GBH his clear desire

"Now that's no richt" wur Johnny cried

And sallied tae the fray

A left hook and a heid butt

Required tae save the day.

 

Now listen up Bin Laden

Yir sort's nae wanted here

For imported English radicals

Us Scoatsman huv nae fear

Oor hame grown Glesca Asians

Will have nae bluidy truck

So tak yer worldwide jihad

An get yersel tae Fuck

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Reminds me of the Air New Zealand pilot on the tarmac , Fiji? I think it was. Some retard tries to hijack the plane so the pilot picks up a bottle of whisky and smacks the guy across the boco and lays him out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

ok,.............where'd he get the whisky?

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Reminds me of the Air New Zealand pilot on the tarmac , Fiji? I think it was. Some retard tries to hijack the plane so the pilot picks up a bottle of whisky and smacks the guy across the boco and lays him out.

ok,.............where'd he get the whisky?

 

 

British Airways pilot on one of the little Orkney / Shetland or Outer Hebrides routes (10 seaters) a few years ago.

 

Stewardess says Pilot is sick and not in for work - anyone know how to fly plane. Drunk-looking guy sitting in rear gets up and says "i'll give it a go" and off they go.

 

Turns out it was the Pilot and the stewardess having a laugh, but someone thought it wasnt funny and he was seriously 'reprimanded' - apparently (probably urban myth, but funny all the same)

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A father walks into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is

holding a nickel. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in

the face.

 

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickel and starts

panicking, shouting for help.

 

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue

business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and

sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks

up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places

it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way,

unhurried, across the book store.

 

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of

the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first

and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses

violently and coughs up the nickel, which the woman deftly catches in

her free hand.

 

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the

father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a

word.

 

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the

father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've

never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic.

Are you a doctor?"

 

"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney".

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not sure if its been posted before, couldn't be bothered looking...

 

ONLY IN AUSTRALIA!

Qantas Airlines: Repair Division

 

 

 

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "Gripe Sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

 

(Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour).

 

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

 

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

 

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

 

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

 

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

 

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

 

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

 

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

 

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

 

 

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.

 

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

 

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

 

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

 

P: Aircraft handles funny . (I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

 

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

 

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

 

And the best one for last.

 

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget

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not sure if its been posted before, couldn't be bothered looking...

 

ONLY IN AUSTRALIA!

Qantas Airlines: Repair Division

 

 

 

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "Gripe Sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

 

 

That hits a little close to home after the news this morning!!

 

http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/stor...5001021,00.html

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DJ: Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of Mate Match?

 

Contestant: (laughing) Yes, I have.

 

DJ: Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please.

 

Contestant: Brian.

 

DJ: Brian, are you married or what?

 

Brian: Yes.

 

DJ: Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?

 

Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes, I am married.

 

DJ: Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.

 

Brian: Sarah.

 

DJ: Is Sarah at work, Brian?

 

Brian: She is gonna kill me.

 

DJ: Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?

 

Brian: (laughing) Yes, she's at work.

 

DJ: Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?

 

Brian: She is gonna kill me.

 

DJ: Brian! Stay with me here!

 

Brian: About 8 o'clock this morning.

 

DJ: Atta boy, Brian.

 

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well...

 

DJ: Question #2 - How long did it last?

 

Brian: About 10 minutes.

 

DJ: Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.

 

Brian: Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.

 

DJ: Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?

 

Brian: (laughing hard) I, ummm, I, well...

 

DJ: This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?

 

Brian: Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks...

 

DJ: Uh huh...

 

Brian: ....and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.

 

DJ: Atta boy, Brian.

 

Brian: On the kitchen table.

 

DJ: Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this.

 

(3 minutes of commercials follow)

 

DJ: Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?

 

(touch tones... ringing...)

 

Clerk: Kinkos.

 

DJ: Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?

 

Clerk: This is she.

 

DJ: Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.

 

Sarah: (laughing) A couple of hours?

 

DJ: Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away! or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of MateMatch?

 

Sarah: No.

 

DJ: Good!

 

Brian: (laughing)

 

Sarah: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to?

 

Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.

 

DJ: Yeah yeah yeah. Sure.. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to

 

Orlando, Florida for 5 ! days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?

 

Sarah: (laughing) Yes.

 

DJ: Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?

 

Sarah: Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.

 

DJ: What time?

 

Sarah: Around 8 this morning.

 

DJ: Very good. Next question. How long did it last?

 

Sarah: 12, 15 minutes maybe.

 

DJ:! Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?

 

Sarah: (laughing) Yes.

 

DJ: Where did you have it?

 

Sarah: OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?

 

Brian: Just tell him, honey.

 

DJ: What is bothering you so much, Sarah?

 

Sarah: Well, it's just that my mom is vacationing with us and...

 

DJ: Come on Sarah... where did you have it?

 

Sarah: In the ass...

 

(long pause)

 

DJ: Folks, we need to take a station break

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No actually you were right the first time.

 

Yup, seriously unfunny. There are plenty of topics to choose from as evidenced throughout this thread but that's just not appropriate.

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WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!!

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" I said. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!" and I proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to my hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder." I stepped back and said: "Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of broke didn't you understand!!??"

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You're right, apologies all round. Wrong, wrong, wrong and wrong!!!

 

Nice apology but still might be a good idea to delete it mate. Replace it with something really disgusting, cheap, nasty and sexist if you like but leave the kiddie porn out of it.

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WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!!

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" I said. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!" and I proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to my hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder." I stepped back and said: "Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of broke didn't you understand!!??"

 

When Shane Bourne told that on Hey Hey 15 years ago it was " You want sauce with that?"

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Nice apology but still might be a good idea to delete it mate. Replace it with something really disgusting, cheap, nasty and sexist if you like but leave the kiddie porn out of it.

 

What he said. That made me want to gouge my eyes out....

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Nice apology but still might be a good idea to delete it mate. Replace it with something really disgusting, cheap, nasty and sexist if you like but leave the kiddie porn out of it.

 

 

 

I have to agree totally unacceptable even here please delete!!!

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The jury has decided - deleted.

 

Good work Eatapuss. Thanks!

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A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.

 

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room, where her daughter had been waiting.

 

"Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer.

Let's head to the club and have a martini."

 

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less gloomy. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

 

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I have been diagnosed with AIDS ,"

 

The friends gave the woman their condolences, and they had a couple more martinis.

 

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Mum, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."

 

The woman said, "I know but it’s just that I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.

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A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.

 

When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:- "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights.

 

You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to

the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!

 

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

 

On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

 

The 2nd floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

 

The 3rd floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Lov e Kids and are extremely good looking.

 

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

 

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

 

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

 

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

 

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on

this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to

please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

 

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store

just across the street.

 

The Wives Store

 

The 1st floor has wives that love sex.

 

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

 

The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.

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A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was that heavily armed insurgent.

 

We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that "Saddam Hussein was a miserable, low-life scum-bag who got what he deserved!" He yelled back that "Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive!" So I said that "Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!" He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!"

 

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

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A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help

me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get

started.'

 

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'

 

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'

 

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

 

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over

the table.

 

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to

her and says,

 

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to

assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'

 

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a

nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . . .. .

 

 

(scroll down)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

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Why do brunettes make up all of those blonde jokes?

 

It's the only thing they have to do when they're sitting home alone on Friday night.

 

What do you call a really attactive man with a brunette?

 

 

A hostage.

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10 years later..........

 

"Knock Knock"

"Who's there?"

"Diana, Princess of Wales."

"Sorry, but I don't open the door for dead people."

"Knock Knock"

"Who's there?"

"Mother Theresa."

"I thought I said I don't answer the door for dead people."

"Knock Knock."

"Who's there?"

"Elvis Presley."

"Hey, let's hurry! Burger King closes in an half hour..."

 

What does world hunger and a mercedes have in common?

Diana can't stop either.

 

What's the difference between a BMW and a Mercedes?

BMW doesn't get any royalties.

 

Dodi and Diana wanted a wedding made in heaven....

Versace was sent up first to get the wedding gown and decorative preparations done for the occasion;

Then D & D went on together;

Mother Teresa went next to bless the couple;

An invitation was sent to Elton John to sing at the service but somehow it was misdirected and went to John Denver instead.....

 

What's the difference between Princess Di and a blade of grass?

About 6 feet.

 

By the way, how many paparazzi does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They're too busy taking pictures.

 

What does DODI stand for?

Died on direct impact.

 

What is the new perfume named after Di?

Impact

 

What's the difference between Diana an Casper the ghost?

Casper can go through walls, Diana can't

 

Did you hear about Elton John's new album featuring 'Candle in the Wind?

They decided not to call it 'Live in Paris'.

 

What's the similarities between a broken arm and Princess Di?

You need to get a doctor in to remove the plaster of paris.

 

One of the paparazzi managed to get a last quote from Di after the accident but is unable to release it publicly because of the ban...

All he could say was that she really needed to get something off her chest.

 

Why was Princess Diana's car going so fast.

She was late for her flying lesson with John Denver.

 

What's the difference between 39pence and Princess Di?

Its easier to scrape together 39pence.

 

Would Diana have been buried if she had been married to Dodi?

No, she would then have been mummy-Fied.

 

Why is Di like a mobile phone?

They both die in tunnels!!

 

St. Peter says to Diana, "Other than that, how was Paris?"

 

What do Lady Di and the Beatles have in common?

They both made quite an impact over in Europe.

 

Doesn't it drive you up the wall to see so many Princess Diana jokes?

Makes ya want to go get drunk and drive into a post, doesn't it.

 

What's the difference between those who get offended by Princess Diana jokes and a puppy?

The puppy eventually stops whining.

 

What's the difference between Princess Di and Henri Paul?

One had Royal Crowns the other had Crown Royals.

 

Did you hear that Diana had Blue eyes?

Yep, one blew out the left window and the other out the right window.

 

What did Di and Mother Theresa have in common?

They were both chaste/chased.

 

What does DODI stand for?

Died Of Driver Intoxication.

 

What's the difference between the Chicago Bears and Princess Di?

The Bears don't die until after they come out of the tunnel!

 

Was Princess Diana crazy that night?

No, but she was nearly in Seine.

 

What does Princess Diana and a bottle of French wine have in common?

They both came from France in a wooden box.

 

Elton John is now writing his next song about himself...

It's called "Like a Gerbil in the Wind."

 

Why didn't the capsized Haitian boat that drowned 300 people make big news for more than a day?

It was discovered that none of them on board was a princess.

 

What are the paparazzi charged with at the scene of the crime?

Ma'am slaughter.

 

Princess Diana was once a kindergarten teacher?

Now she's history.

 

If you throw Kitty Kelley's new book about Princess Diana out of a car window, does it become Kitty litter?

 

Princess Diana was found to be the favorite royal in a recent pole.

 

Its a good thing Gianni Versace died first...

The news of Dianna's death would have killed him.

 

Mike Tyson has agreed to fight Prince Charles for his next boxing match.

It seems that no one else has big enough ears to go 12 rounds.

 

Why did the Princess cross the road?

Because she wasn't wearing a seat belt.

 

What's on the "B" side of Candle in the Wind?

Crash, Bang, Wallop what a picture!

 

Did you know that Princess Diana had AIDS?

Automobile Impacted Diana Spencer

Another Idiot Driver Smashed

 

If Teddy Kennedy was driving, they would have taken the bridge.

 

With Mother Teresa also dying it's...

Catholics one, Protestants one.

 

They found a new job for Harald Junke.

As a Driver at the Paris Rytz

 

Bad news for Princess Diana's Bulemia...

She's losing weight again!

 

Bill Gates was disappointed to hear how Diana died...

Her Crashes affect more people than his.

 

What does Di and Freddie Mercury have in common?

Both had to die to get away from Queen.

 

When is a princess not a princess?

When she turns into a pole.

 

What's Diana's newest title?

The Lady in Red.

 

What was Princess Diana's last dessert dish?

A turnover.

 

What's the difference between a Mercedes and Princess Diana?

A Mercedes will easily reach 40.

 

Why don't you want to buy golf clubs at Harrods?

Their drivers suck.

 

What was the last thing Dodi said to Di?

"You look smashing!"

 

What did the mortuary assistant say as he unzipped the body bag?

"Zippady Dodi, zippady Di!"

 

What's the difference between George Best and the driver of the car?

George Best can still take corners when he's mad.

 

I guess it was true, princess Di did have her Eye on that arabic guy.

 

What were Diana's last words to the paparazzi?

No photos. I'm a bloody mess.

 

What's the difference between Ramsey Street and Prince Charles?

One has a Mrs Mangle, the other has a Mangled Mrs.

 

What does Princess Diana's bumper sticker say?

My other car's a decoy.

 

The paparazzi asked Prince Charles if he has had sex since divorcing Diana.

He replied, "infrequently." The paparazzi responded by saying, "Is that one word or two?"

 

Who attended the recent Diana gowns auction at Christies?

Michael Jackson. He asked "how much for her bones."

 

Have you heard about the Princess Diana computer virus?

Your computer speeds up, your driver runs into a post processor, and your hard drive crashes.

 

What kind of battery did the Mercedes have?

A DI HARD.

 

What's the difference between Princess Diana and Elton John?

Princess Diana never became a queen of England.

 

If Princess Diana's heart was in the right place, why was it found on the dashboard?

 

Apparently the chauffeur wasn't the only legless person in the car.

 

Bearing in mind the driver was pissed out of his head, Diana's family should forget trying to sue the paparazzi... they haven't got a leg to stand on.

 

Apparently, Diana had a pizza in the Ritz before the fatal journey...

The silly girl asked for extra paparazzi.

 

What sound did the ambulance make?

.....Dodi dodi dodi dodi dodi dodi....

 

What is the difference between leeches and the paparazzi?

Leeches fall off after you die.

 

How did The Royal Family stop the paparazzi from visiting Diana's grave?

By placing Land mines around it.

 

Why did Dianna and Charles get divorced?

They had a fight over who wore the skirt in the family.

 

What was the first question the paramedics had when they reached the crash site?

Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?

 

In light of the recent death, OJ is now saying the paparazzi did it.

 

What was Princess Diana wearing the night of the crash?

Crushed velvet.

 

What's the one word that could have saved Princess Diana's life?

Taxi.

 

What's the title of the new Princess Diana movie they are making?

One Wedding and a Funeral.

 

Once again Princess Diana proves a big hit in Paris.

 

Diana's name has been changed to:

The Royalty formally known as Princess Di.

 

Where did Diana go for her holidays?

All over Paris.

 

What did Princess Diana do when she heard the driver had been drinking?

She hit the roof.

 

What does a bee have in common with a Mercedes?

They both make Royal Jelly.

 

How do you spoil Princess Diana?

Leave her out in the sun.

 

Did you hear that Princess Diana was suffering from PMS?

Pulverized Mercedes Syndrome.

 

Now there is a new pizza place, the "Paparazzi Pizza" delivery.

You don't have to give them your address, they'll find you no matter where you are.

 

Elton John is writing a tribute for Mother Teresa.

He's calling it "Sandals in the Bin".

 

What's the difference between Lady Di and the East Germans?

The East Germans survived the wall.

 

What's the bumper sticker on Fergie's car?

I brake for Paparazzi.

 

What does Dodi and Dodo have in common?

They are both extinct.

 

What happens when you french kiss a fairy tale Princess?

The frog turns into a wall and croaks.

 

Dodi said Di and she did.

 

What would Di be doing if she were alive today?

Scratching at the lid of her coffin.

 

Why did Elton John take his boyfriend to the funeral?

So at least one old queen would be seen to cry in public.

 

If you go out on the grog, then get in a car with a Wog and a Frog and drive like a hog, you'll be as dead as a dog.

 

Elton John wasn't the only one who composed a song for Di....

Roxette - Crash! Boom! Bang!

Michael Jackson - Blood on the dashboard

 

What do Lady Di and Pink Floyd have in common?

Their last greatest hit was the WALL.

 

What did Dodi say to Di before they left the Ritz?

"Do you want to sleep here or crash in the car?"

 

What does Diana and George Burns have in common?

They both died when they hit 100.

 

What was the last thing to go through Diana's mind?

The dashboard.

 

How did Di and Charles disagree about Modern Architecture?

Di was wrapt about pre-stressed cement.

 

What's worse than getting red wine off carpet?

Getting Di off the uphostery.

 

What do Di and Darren Millane have in common?

They both didn't make it home from the tunnel.

 

What was Princess Diana's last words to the paparazzi?

"Leave me alone, I'm a bloody princess. You photographers drive me up the wall."

 

Why was Princess Diana so thin?

Crash diet.

 

Princess Di really lived up to her name.

 

What does Princess Diana have in common with Hugh Grant?

They both bought it in the backseat of a car.

 

Did the British Secret Service kill Princess Diana?

No, the French underground did it.

 

What's the difference between Elton John and Princess Diana?

One's composing, the other is decomposing.

 

What did Prince Charles say when he heard about the automobile accident?

Well, that's the way the Mercedes BENZ.

 

What did Princess Diana die of?

Car-pole-tunnel syndrome.

 

What was the last thing that Diana kissed?

The radiator.

 

What did Diana say to Dodi when he asked to marry her?

She wanted something more concrete in her life.

 

What vegetable is most like Princess Diana?

French squash.

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EARLY RETIREMENT

 

It is important for men to remember, that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are over-sensitive and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

 

 

My name is Ron...... Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie.

 

 

When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the Golf Course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not feasible. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door...

 

 

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now, it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can , by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

 

 

I really think my experience as a teacher helps a lot. I consider telling people what they ought to do one of my strong points.

 

 

Now that she has gotten older, she does seem to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this; as long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I'm willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting, or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club, or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling, or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting.

 

 

Also, if I had a really good day on the course and it was wet and muddy, my clubs are a mess, so I let her clean them, you know.....get the grit off the grips and a little light Brillo on the club faces at a casual pace. My golf bag is heavy so I lift it out of the trunk for her. Women are delicate, have weak wrists and can't lift heavy stuff as good as men. But I did tell her I don't like to be wakened during my after-golf nap, so rather than bother me, she can put them back in the trunk when she's finished.

 

 

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days! That way she won't have to rush so much.

 

 

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

 

 

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too, and then take her break by my hammock. That way she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

 

 

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

 

 

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

 

 

Signed, Ron

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That joke is older than I am, and that is pretty old.

 

The world needs to stop being vanilla flavored. The pussification of America is driving me nuts. Yes there is crass, socially unacceptable, rude, etc. behavior. Will a joke like that cause more incineration of more people in the world? No way. People just keep killing people all of the time without someone making jokes about it. Man, I told a bunch of old ethnic/race jokes on the boat this year just to see what would happen (because these jokes have dried up in this pussified world we now live in). What happened was that no one laughed! The test results were quite interesting.

 

So, how many jews fit in a VW Bug?

 

6 in the back seat, 5 in the front seat and 200 in the ashtray.

 

 

Sick, morbid, disgusting? Yes. Funny, well for those who groan at it.

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A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets

out a sigh heavy with frustration.

 

"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the

day you spent with your family."

 

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to

play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I

devoted my life to Christ."

 

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

 

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain

today!"

 

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me

all about it!"

 

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother - I'm talking

about a 560 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green with a creek

in the front and right side...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...

and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"

 

"Oh my goodness!" commiserated the Mother Superior. "How unfortunate! But

surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

 

"No, that wasn't it," admitted the Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what

had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off

down the fairway!"

 

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother Superior.

 

"But I didn't!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I

was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the

sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his little

paws!"

 

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

 

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped

him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to

about 18 inches from the cup!"

 

The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest,

fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

 

"You missed that fucking putt, didn't you?"

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Pavarotti is at the Pearly Gates

 

St Peter opens them and says 'oh it's you luciano, come on in. squeeze through'.

 

pavarotti says 'hold on, i've got an envelope for you, from the pope.'

 

st peter opens it up and reads it. It says:

 

'HERE'S THAT TENOR I OWE YOU'

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i may be English, but it is funny!

 

 

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for

 

six days. Eventually, Gabriel the archangel found him, resting on the

 

seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep

 

sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,

 

"Look Gabriel, look what I've made."Archangel Gabriel looked puzzled and

 

said, "What is it?"It's a planet", replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it.

 

 

 

I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of

 

balance"."Balance?" inquired Gabriel, still confused.God explained,

 

pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example,Northern Europe will

 

be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going

 

to be poor; the Middle East over there will bea hot spot. Over there I've

 

placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black

 

people".

 

 

 

God continued, pointing todifferent countries. "And over there, I call

 

this place America. NorthAmerica will be rich and powerful and cold, while

 

South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the

 

middle is Central America which is a hot spot. Can you see the balance?

 

'Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed

 

to a small country in Northern Europe, "What's that one?""Ah" said God.

 

"That's Scotland, the most glorious place on Earth.There are beautiful

 

snow capped mountains, untouched rivers, streams and lochs of exquisite,

 

timeless beauty. The people make a drink called Uisge Beatha or Whisky which

 

means "The Water of Life". The people are good looking, intelligent and

 

humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely

 

sociable, hardworking and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout

 

the world as warriors,engineers, inventors and pioneers.

 

 

 

Gabriel gasped in wonder and admiration but then said: "I thought yousaid there will be

 

BALANCE!'

 

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the shower of ba*tards I'm putting next to them!"

 

 

 

 

 

(it's the good looking and intelligent bit that amuses me most!!)

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Pavarotti knocks on the pearly gates, St peter opens them and says 'Oh it's you Luciano, come on in. Squeeze through'.

 

Pavarotti says 'hold on, I've got an envelope for you, from the pope.'

 

St peter opens it up and reads it.

 

'HERE'S THAT TENOR I OWE YOU'

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An English lesson...

 

An older gentleman was searching for a solution to his, er, performance problems with his hot young trophy wife. Viagra, Levitra, none of them were working for him. Finally, he found an odd medicine man that worked an ancient little known solution for him.

 

"You must be careful," he said. "This is guaranteed to work, but it only works once a year."

 

The gentleman asked "Well, how does it work?"

 

The doctor told him "To activate it, when you are ready you just say One, Two, Three and the post hyponitic suggestion will kick in. You will be ready to go for a full night of action, and you will keep it up until you are ready to stop."

 

"But how do I make it stop?" the man enquired?

 

"You just say One, Two, Three, Four and it will end - until next year," replied the doctor.

 

That night the man got ready, he took his wife out for a night on the town and wined her and dined her in preparation for the special event. He got into bed that evening, and as she was coming into the bedroom he said "One, Two, Three."

 

His wife then gave him a funny look and asked him "Honey, what did you say one, two, three for?"

 

Which is why you never end a sentence with a dangling preposition...

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Bad start to a morning…...

 

On the way to the office this morning, I rear-ended a car. Somehow I knew it was going to be a bad day.

 

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf, poor bastard. He looked at his dented car and then looked up at me and said "I am not happy"

I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

 

That's how the fight started...

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A boy from West Texas got a legacy admission to Brown. When Dwayne got to campus, he asked a ascot wearing blazer clad upperclassman "Hi'ya buddy. Where's the library at?" To which the upperclassman (with his nose held high) said "Sir, at Brown, we don't end a sentence with a preposition.". Dwayne thought for about 0.5sec and replied "OK then. Where's the library at, asshole!"

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26 ways a boy can show he cares:

 

1.

When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "could be better." This will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.

 

2.

Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. If she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really hard until she cries (this will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are).

 

3.

Once a month, sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs; they love to be roughed up.

 

4.

Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If sheis, say "you better be." Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.

 

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.

 

6.

Recognize the small things, as they usually mean the most. Then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them, because jewelry is for wussies and Asian ladies.

 

7.

If you're talking to another girl, make sure she's looking. When she is, stare into her eyes, mouth the words "**** you" and grab the other girl's ass. Girls love competition.

 

8.

Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she

thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset, tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that, lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because I can."

 

9.

Introduce her to your friends as "some chick." Women love those special nicknames.

 

10.

Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.

 

11.

Warm her up when she's cold...and not by giving her your jacket, because then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't stop bitching about the cold right now, you're going to be bitching about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.

 

12.

Take her to a party. When you get there, she'll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party is dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you all night.

 

13.

Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. Guys always find stuff like that funny...why shouldn't girls?

 

14.

Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes, then jump up and scream in her ear. Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things.

 

15.

Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.

 

16.

If you care about her, never ever tell her. This will only give her self-confidence, then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

 

17.

Every time you're in her house, steal one of her shoes, earrings or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way, she'll go crazy.

 

18.

Take her out to dinner. Right when she's about to order, interrupt and say "no, she's not hungry." Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

 

19.

Look her in the eyes and smile. Then punch her in the face. Girls love a spontaneous guy.

 

20.

Give her one of your t-shirts, and make sure it has your smell on it (but not a sexy cologne smell...a bad smell. You know what I'm talking about).

 

21.

When it's raining, keep asking her if she's crying. She'll say "no, it's just the rain." Ten minutes later, turn to her and just scream at her to stop crying. Girls like a tough man.

 

22.

Titty twisters and plenty of them.

 

23.

If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no.

This way she'll think you're mysterious.

 

24.

Remember her birthday, but don't get her anything. Teach her that material objects arent important. The only thing that's important is that she keeps you happy, and your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

 

25.

When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then, next time you know she's coming over on a trash day, leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don't like this one that much, but guys think it's funny.

 

26.

If she's mad at you for not calling her when you say you will,

promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This

will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call that you're going to tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really excited.

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A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50; CHICKEN

SANDWICH: $2.50; HAND JOB: $1000.00. Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.

 

 

 

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?""I was wondering," whispers the old biker, "are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "I am." The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

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Two Indians and a redneck are in the woods hunting. They come upon a cave, and the youngest indian runs to the mouth of the cave and yells WOOWOO then cups his hand to his ear and listens. A few seconds later, he strips naked and runs into the cave.

 

The redneck asks the other indian what that was all about. The indian explains that is how their tribes mating ritual works. If there is a female indian ready to breed, she goes and gets naked in a cave and waits for a brave to come service her.

 

The two continue on for a short time, and they come upon another cave. The second indian runs up and yells WOOWOO. Sure enough, a few seconds later he's running naked into the cave.

 

The redneck scratches his head, picks up his gun and continues on his hunt. Shortly, he comes upon a cave. Temptation overcomes him... WOOOWOOO he yells. He listens and sure enough, he hears a faint WOOWOOO coming from deep within the cave. He strips and runs in...

 

The next day, front page of the local paper....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Naked Redneck run over by a train.

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A successful rancher died and left everything to his

 

devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch,

 

but knew very little about ranching, so she placed

 

an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys

 

applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

 

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one

 

else applied she decided to hire the gay guy,

 

figuring it would be safer to have him around the house

 

than the drunk.

 

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours

 

every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks,

 

the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing

 

very well.

 

Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have

 

done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You

 

should go into town and kick up your heels." The

 

hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

 

He returned around 2:30am, and upon entering the

 

room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the

 

fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

 

 

 

She quietly called him over to her.

 

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

 

trembling, he did as she directed.

 

"Now take off my boots."

 

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

 

"Now take off my socks."

 

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her

 

boots.

 

"Now take off my skirt."

 

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her

 

eyes in the fire light.

 

"Now take off my bra."

 

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told

 

and dropped it to the floor.

 

Then she looked at him and said:

 

"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're

 

fired."

 

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A local radio station ran a competition to see who could come up with the best word used in general conversation but not in the dictionary.

 

"Hi, you're on the air whats your word?"

 

"Goen"

 

"Oookay, use that it in a sentance for me?"

 

"Goen fuck yourself!"

 

Radio cuts to music. After a brief interlude they continue with no more interruptions.

 

Finally they put the last caller on air:

 

"Hi your on the air, whats your word?"

 

"smee"

 

"Use it in a sentance?"

 

"smee again, goen fuck yourself!"

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>Murphy calls in to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.

>

>

>Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get

>me slippers?"

>

>

>"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two

>stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds.

>

>

>"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."

>

>

>"Fook off you liar!"

>

>

>"I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of

>them, Paddy?"

>

>

> "Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

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A young, good-looking, extremely wealthy guy goes to his doctor for a physical.

 

After his doctor checks him out and finds him in excellent health, he asks if there's anything he may have missed that's bothering him.

 

The man says everything is fine except for one problem.

 

The doctor says, "Well, you’d better give me the background first!"

 

The guy says, "Well, every day I wake up around 8am and my wife, a 21-year-old former Miss Brazil, who is a gourmet chef and sexual dynamo, goes right under the covers and gives me the most fantastic blowjob in the world. After she finishes that I jump in the shower and she goes downstairs and makes a big beautiful breakfast, which we both eat. After which she insists that I make wild love to her on the kitchen floor before I go to the office."

 

The doctor, a bit taken back asks, "You do that every morning?"

 

The guy responds, "Every morning!"

 

The open-mouthed doctor asks, "Then what?"

 

"Well", the guy says, "Every morning, when I get to the office, my secretary, who is a 22-year-old beautiful blonde bombshell and former Playboy Miss October, follows me into my office, gets under my desk and gives me a blowjob that rivals the ones my wife gives me. Then I head out for lunch, return around 2pm, at which time my secretary gathers two other secretaries from the office (both perfect tens) and the four of us go at it for about two hours on the carpet."

 

The doctor, again taken aback, asks, "You do that every afternoon?"

 

The guy responds "Every afternoon!"

 

The doctor asks, "Then what?"

 

Our hero then says, "Then I go home and my wife has a great big gourmet dinner ready for me. We eat, then I take her and our 19-year-old Swedish maid upstairs and the three of us have about an hour-long orgy, then, I watch them go at it for another hour or so and then I go to sleep."

 

The doctor, whose jaw is now on the floor, asks, "You do that every night?"

 

The guy responds "Every night!"

 

The doctor asks with finality, "So what's the problem?"

 

The guy answers, "Well, I get a bit dizzy when I masturbate!"

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Two old age pensioners are having some fun.

 

After 5 minutes he says "Sorry luv the smell's too bad down there - I can't carry on."

 

"That'll be my arthritis" she says.

 

"What? I never heard of anyone having arthritis in thier fanny before."

 

"No" she says "It's in my arms and hands... and I can't wipe me arse anymore."

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some of these I've seen here before, some are new, to me.

 

 

New Words for 2007

 

* SWAMP-DONKEY

 

A deeply unattractive person.

 

* TESTICULATING.

 

Waving your arms around and talking bol *locks.

 

* BLAMESTORMING.

 

Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a

 

Project failed, and who was responsible.

 

* SEAGULL MANAGER.

 

A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, cr *aps on everything, and

 

Then leaves.

 

* ASSMOSIS.

 

The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by

 

sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

 

* SALMON DAY.

 

The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get

 

screwed and die.

 

* CUBE FARM.

 

An office filled with cubicles.

 

* PRAIRIE DOGGING.

 

When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and

 

people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also

 

applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

 

* SITCOMs.

 

Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn

 

into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home

 

with the kids or start a "home business".

 

* SINBAD.

 

Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

 

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.

 

One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

 

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.

 

The fine art of whacking the cr*ap out of an electronic device to get it

 

to work again.

 

* ADMINISPHERE.

 

The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and

 

file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly

 

inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to

 

solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless

 

paperwork and processes.

 

* GOING FOR A McSH* IT.

 

Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food,

 

you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member,

 

your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known

 

as a McSh* it with Lies.

 

* 404.

 

Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not

 

Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located.

 

* AUSSIE KISS.

 

Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

 

* OH - NO SECOND.

 

That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just

 

Made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

 

* GREYHOUND.

 

A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

 

* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.

 

A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who

 

works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges

 

displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show

 

their level of training.

 

* MILLENNIUM DOMES.

 

The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from

 

The outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

 

* MONKEY BATH.

 

A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo!

 

Aa! Aa! Aa!".

 

* MYSTERY BUS.

 

The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the

 

Toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so

 

the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

 

* MYSTERY TAXI.

 

The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake

 

up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your

 

bed instead.

 

* BEER COAT.

 

The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise

 

At 3:00am.

 

* BEER COMPASS.

 

The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze

 

cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how

 

you got here, and where you've come from.

 

* BREAKING THE SEAL.

 

Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After

 

breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be

 

required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

 

* TART FUEL.

 

Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

 

* SALAD DODGER.

 

An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

 

* PICASSO B* UM.

 

A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's

 

Got 4 but *tocks.

 

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Australian Citizenship test

 

 

1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of, the term "died in the arse"?

 

2. What is a bloody little beauty?

 

3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?

 

4. Explain the following passage: "In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo."

 

5. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash?

 

6. Complete the following sentences:

a) "If the van's rockin' don't bother ?

B) You're going home in the back of a ?

c) Fair crack of the ?

 

7. I've had a gutful and I can't be fagged. Discuss

 

8. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?

 

9. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard "up on blocks"? Is his name Bruce and does he have a wife called Cheryl?

 

10. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming?

 

11. What are the ingredients in a rissole?

 

12. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.

 

13. Do you have an Aunty Irene who smokes 30 cigarettes a day and sounds like a bloke?

 

14. In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else's beer that has been flogged from a bath full of ice?

 

15. When you go to a bring- your-own-meat barbie can you eat other people's meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?

 

16. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter "b" is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?

 

17. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots?

 

18. Is it possible to "prang a car" while doing "circle work"?

 

19. Who would you like to crack on to?

 

20. Who is the most Australian: Kevin "Bloody" Wilson, John "True Blue" Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie?

 

21. Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a pool?

 

22. What does sinkin piss at a mates joint and getten para mean?

 

23. How far would you wear your mockies?

 

Inside only?

 

Back yard only?

 

To the letter box?

 

To the milk bar for a packed of winni blues?

 

To the movies?

 

To shoppo? (large shopping centre)

 

To the pub?

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hilarious sportscar

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The Doctors Office

 

 

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are

there, and you say in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it's

embarrassing.

 

There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell

her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most

of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

 

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's waiting room. As he

approached the desk, the receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you

seeing the doctor for today?'

 

'There's something wrong with my dick,' he replied.

 

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a

crowded doctor's room and say things like that.'

 

'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

 

The receptionist replied, 'You've obviously caused some embarrassment

in this room full of people. You should have said there is something

wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further

with the doctor in private.'

 

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of

others if the answer could embarrass anyone.'

 

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

 

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'

 

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

 

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her

advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?'

 

I can't piss out of it,' the man replied.

 

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

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AUSTRALIAN CITIZENSHIP TEST (ANSWERED)

 

1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of, the term "died in the arse"?

YES & YES

 

2. What is a bloody little beauty?

A COLD STUBBY ON A HOT DAY

 

3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?

NO

 

4. Explain the following passage: "In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo."

NEXT YEAR DON’T TELL YER RELLIES WHERE YER CELEBRATIN’ CHRISSIE!

 

5. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash?

HALF

 

6. Complete the following sentences:

a) "If the van's rockin' don't bother ? KNOCKIN’

You're going home in the back of a ? DIVVY VAN

c) Fair crack of the ? WHIP

 

7. I've had a gutful and I can't be fagged. Discuss

I CAN’T BE FAGGED!

 

8. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?

TBR & MBO (Too bloody right & my bloody oath!)

 

9. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard "up on blocks"? Is his name Bruce and does he have a wife called Cheryl?

FAIR SUCK OF THE SAV!

 

10. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming?

YES!

 

11. What are the ingredients in a rissole?

MINCEMEAT, CHOPPED ONION, BREADCRUMBS, EGG, FRY & GARNISH WITH TERMATER SAUCE, EAT TWO OR THREE WITH PLENTY OF PEPPER & SALT & A PINCH OF GUSTO!

 

12. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.

BITE OFF EACH END AND SUCK YOUR COFFEE THROUGH IT!

 

13. Do you have an Aunty Irene who smokes 30 cigarettes a day and sounds like a bloke?

SHE IS A BLOKE!

 

14. In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else's beer that has been flogged from a bath full of ice?

YES

 

15. When you go to a bring- your-own-meat barbie can you eat other people's meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?

YES!

 

16. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter "b" is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?

BEETROOT (as in what’s the difference between an egg and a beetroot? – You can beat an egg!)

 

17. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots?

YES

 

18. Is it possible to "prang a car" while doing "circle work"?

NOT JUST POSSIBLE BUT LIKELY!

 

19. Who would you like to crack on to?

I’M NO LONGER CHOOSY!

 

20. Who is the most Australian: Kevin "Bloody" Wilson, John "True Blue" Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie?

CAN’T SEPARATE ANY OF ‘EM!

 

21. Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a pool?

I AM HE! (With the trailer & the pool)

 

22. What does sinkin piss at a mates joint and getten para mean?

ANOTHER BLOODY GROUSE SUNDAY BARBIE!

 

23. How far would you wear your mockies?

Inside only?

Back yard only?

To the letter box?

TO THE MILK BAR FOR A PACKET OF WINNI BLUES?

To the movies?

To shoppo? (large shopping centre)

To the pub?

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Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter!!!!!!!!

 

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

 

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

 

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes

do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

 

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

 

Rule Five:

In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

 

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

 

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

 

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce

my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

 

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

 

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

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After the Funeral!

 

When the graveside service had no more than

terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder

accompanied by several bolts of lightening and more

rumbling thunder.

 

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly

said,

 

"Well, she's there."

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Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.

 

 

Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an

emergency!

 

 

 

I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated the the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week.!!!"

 

PM: "Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - wi'll be

ruined!"

 

 

Hilth Munister: "We're going to hef to shup some in from...Brutain?..."

 

PM: "No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!"

 

Hilth Munister: "What about Australia ?"

 

 

PM: "I'll call John Howard - tell hum we need one million condoms; Ten enches long and eight enches thuck! That way they'll continue to respect the all blacks!!"

 

 

 

Three days later a delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms; 10 unches long, 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold. With small writing on each one.........

 

MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE : MEDIUM

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Let me just say "I'm sorry" in advance for this... So very sorry...

 

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.

"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

 

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.

"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

 

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.

"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy .

 

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"

But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"

 

 

 

The third piggy says -

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

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A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

 

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

 

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

 

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the R ! We missed the R ! We missed the R !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying Uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...CELEB R ATE !!! "

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"T-G-I-F" vs. "S-H-I-T"

 

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a

blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

 

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

 

She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

 

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

 

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest

smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

 

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

 

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

"T-G-I-F" means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.'

Get it, duuhhh?"

 

The man answered, "Yes, 'S-H-I-T' means, 'Sorry,

Honey, It's Thursday.'"

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An email from a friend today...

 

Honest, I tried to behave today but it just started badly!

 

I rear-ended a car this morning on the way to work. I knew right then and there that it was going to be a REALLY bad day. The driver got out of the other car and wouldn't you know it, he was a

dwarf.

 

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me and said "I'm NOT f**king happy!"

 

So I said "Well, which f**king one are you then?"

 

And that's how the fight started......

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