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WOMAN'S DIARY:

 

Saturday

 

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him - thought it might be that.

 

The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.

 

He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.

 

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying.

 

I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in.

 

He hesitated but followed. I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

 

After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply.

 

He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.

 

He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.

 

Cried myself to sleep -I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's found someone else.

 

 

 

 

MAN'S DIARY:

 

Saturday

 

Scotland lost. Gutted. Got a shag though.

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One sunny day in late January 2021, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,

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Little johnny walks into his parents bedroom and sees his dad giving his mom one, his dad just laughs, throws a pillow at him and shouts "get out". A little while later johnny's dad hears a comotion coming from little johnny's room, he rushes in and is horrified to see johnny shagging his granny- johnny just looks at him and says "not so fucking funny when it's YOUR mum is it?"

 

We have a winner.

 

G

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Lost in Bunnings Hardware

 

 

 

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Bunnings Hardware when they collide.

 

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, And I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

 

The young guy says, "That's a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

 

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife Look like?"

 

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue Eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top And no bra. What does your wife look like?"

 

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter - let's look for yours."

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A Blonde Joke

 

 

 

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position in the Homicide Detective Unit.

 

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?

 

The blondes all nodded.

 

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth."

 

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.

 

"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

 

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

 

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

 

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

 

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

 

 

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

 

 

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"

 

 

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

 

 

 

 

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

 

 

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

 

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

 

 

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

 

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

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A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

 

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

 

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

 

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

 

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a

 

face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!

 

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

 

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While

 

crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

 

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

- God replied: "I didn't bloody recognize you."

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Mildred and Earl

 

 

 

Mildred, 93, was despondent over the

Recent death of her husband Earl,

So she decided to just kill herself

And join him in death.

 

Thinking it would be best to get it

Over with quickly, she took out Earl's old

Army pistol and made the decision to

Shoot herself in the heart since it was

So badly broken in the first place.

 

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become

A vegetable and a burden to someone, she called

Her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location.

 

"Since you're a woman,"

The doctor said,

"your heart is just below your left breast.

Why do you ask?"

 

She hung up without answering.

 

Later that night,

Mildred was admitted to the hospital

With a gunshot wound to her knee.

 

 

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A husband and wife went for marriage counselling after 15 years of > marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, > painful

tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had

been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,

feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she

had endured over the course of their marriage.

 

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the

therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to

stand, embraced and kissed her passionately while fondling her breasts

and crotch.

 

The woman instantly shut up and quietly sat down as though she was in a

daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife

needs at least three times a week...... Can you do this?"

 

The husband thought for a moment and replied ......

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Fridays, but on

Wednesdays, I go sailing."

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Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden

and a Texan are all working together one day.

 

 

 

 

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

 

 

"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total", says the Genie.

 

 

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada "

 

 

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye,

the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

 

 

Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our precious land."

 

 

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

 

 

The Texan says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

 

 

 

 

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."

 

 

The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, "Fill it with water."

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Learning English:

 

Three witches watchs three Swatch watches. Which witch watchs which Swatch watch?

 

Three switched witches watchs three Swatch watch switches. Which switched witch watchs which Swatch watch switch?

 

Three swiss witch-bitches, which wished to be switched swiss witch-bitches, wish to watch three swiss Swatch watch switches. Which swiss witch-bitch which wishes to be a swiss witch-bitch, wishes to watch which swiss Swatch watch switch?

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Black November

A Turkey's Lament

 

When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,

My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,

 

Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,

And he told me there was something that I had to know;

 

His look and his tone I will always remember,

When he told me of the horrors of ..... Black November;

 

"Come about August, now listen to me,

Each day you'll be thick, where once you were thin,

And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin.

 

"And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,

In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head;

 

"Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald'n pink,

And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink,

 

"And then comes the worst part" he said not bluffing,

"She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing".

 

Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,

I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,

 

And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,

I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked;

 

I began a new diet of nuts and granola,

High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola,

 

And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,

I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes,

 

I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,

And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;

 

But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath,

As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death;

 

And sure enough when Black November rolled around,

I was the last turkey left in the entire compound;

 

So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap;

I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap,

 

She held me today, while sewing and humming,

And smiled at me and said "Christmas is coming........"

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can't remember seeing this around here...

 

 

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

 

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Anaesthetist

4. Cinnamon

5. Chrysanthemum

 

 

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

 

1. Specificity

2. Rhipidistian-Amphibian Transition

3. Anti-constitutionalistically

4. Transubstantiate

5. Sphygmomanometer

 

 

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

 

01. Thanks, but I don't want to have s e x.

02. Nope, no more booze for me.

03. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

04. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.

05. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

06. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

07. I'm not interested in fighting you.

08. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no

coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.

09. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to hurl in the street.

10. I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

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A Prospector walks into a brothel, lays a nugget of gold on the table and says to the madam, "I want two beer and the raunchiest whore you've got". So the madam sends the man upstairs to his room. As soon as he shuts the door the girl drops her pants and bends over, " holy shit" he says "how did you know i wanted to do doggy first?" " I didn't" she said "I just figured you'd want to crack those beers before we start".

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A bum roams the countryside he is hungry and thirsty. Suddenly in the distance he sees a building which as he comes closer happens to be a pub called George and the Dragon. He walks in and sees the landlady behind the bar and ask her for some food and drink. She starts cursing and yelling: "you #$#@! good for nothing #$%$1! lay about ^%$*&! bum get out or I'll set the dogs on you!" The bum without batting an eyelid asks: "Could I have a word with George please?

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SANTA'S TREE

 

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce

the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of

being behind schedule.

 

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit.

 

This stressed Santa even more.

 

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were

about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

 

More stress.

 

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell

to the ground and scattered the toys.

 

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

 

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor,

and there was nothing to drink.

 

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

 

 

 

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

 

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the

door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

 

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day?

I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

 

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas Tree

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Someone wanted Jewish....?

2 Jewish best mates, 1 is a doctor, the other a Lawyer, Lawyer calls Dr very concerned about his wife, so they agree to get Yetta in for tests.

 

6 days later, the Dr rings the lawyer

 

Joseph Oivey.....

Hymie - nice of you to call......

Listen, Yetta's tests, we may have an issue.....

 

Oh mama - whats with the issue?

 

2 tests got mixed up - we don't know if your Yetta got AIDS or Altzheimers.....

 

My Life.....Poor me ....Poor Yetta.....Hymie what do I do.....

 

Joseph - that part is simple, tonight let her out for a walk, if she comes back - DOnot sleep with it.......

On the Cross:

 

Jesus to St Paul at the base of the cross.....

"This is a hell of a way to spend Easter"....... :huh::huh:

 

 

Sorry a goyim has to put you right, here. PAUL wasn't at the foot of the cross, see.. and if he was he would have been called SAUL of Tarsus, who sat at the feet of Gamaliel who was the top Rabbi of the Pharises at the time. Saul called himself the pharisee of thePharisees. It was John and Joshua's mother, Mirium who looked up at Joshua on the Cross, Whom we English speakers call Jesus. Sorry, but we can't have the elite getting it all wrong, now can we??? :unsure:

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Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous and even deadly. Yes, grass snakes, not

Rattlesnakes. Here's why:

 

A couple in Texas had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

 

It turned out that green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

&nb sp;

She let out a very loud scream.

 

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran naked out into the living room to see what the problem was. His wife told him there was a snake under the sofa.

 

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

 

His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

 

The attendants rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.

 

About that time the snake ca me out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.

 

That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

 

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man.

 

He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

 

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

 

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

 

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

 

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

 

The police arrived.

 

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them a ll, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over

a little green snake.

 

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

 

The little snake again crawled out from under the sofa.

 

One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.

 

He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke it started a fire in the drapes.

 

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

& nbsp;

Meanwhile, the burning drapes, were seen by the neighbors who called the fire department.

 

The firemen had started raising the fire truck ladder when they were halfway down the street.

 

The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

 

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.

 

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for t he night.

 

That's when he shot her.

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GOTTA PEE

 

 

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.

Both were very faithful and loving wives, however

they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi

Breezers.

 

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to

pee,so they stopped in the cemetery.

 

One of them had nothing to wipe with so

she thought she would take off her panties and use

them.

 

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive

pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

 

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave

that had a wreath with a ribbon on it,

so she proceeded to wipe with that.

 

After the girls did their business they proceeded

to go home.

 

The next day one of the women's husband

was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent

was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other

husbandand said:

"These girl nights have got to stop!

I'm starting to suspect the worst..

my wife came home with no panties!!"

 

"That's nothing"said the other husband,

"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that

said.....

 

'From all of us at the Fire Station.

We'll never forget you.'"

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will probably go to hell for this one,

>what was jesus last words on the cross?

>none of ye bastards eat my easter egg I'll be back on sunday

NOT FOR THE JOKE, BUT FOR THE SPIRITUAL STATE YOU ARE IN, TO MAKE SUCH A JOKE.

I am very, very sorry, but, as witha medical symptom, you attitude of mind betrays a big problem in your spiritual, soul area. Sure, it was a clever joke, but I couldn't repeat it - tho I might have beforemy spiritual state was remedied. We all get to be born in a state of rebellion against our maker. We want to be independent, to make our own decisions. It is helld up to be laudable, by society, too. However, there is an area in our lives which is God's and if we don't submit to Him in that area, we are in big trouble. Not only are our life decisions flawed (you've only to see the news or our own marriage to see how true that is), but our final destiny is worse than dismal. The remedy is easy. As Jesu;s saaid, and Billy Graham amongst many others have said, you ;have to give in to Him. He said we were rotten with sin (or rebellion). Jesus came to pay the price for our entire 'sinfulness' when He allowed us to murder Him on that cross.

If We accept that terrible, tortured death in our own place, and allow Him to influence our decisions from now on, then He will fill our hearts with His Holy spirit, and utter joy - nol matter what. I did, 42 years ago when I was a young punk in the British army, and He did it for me - to this very hour.

As the Salvation Army song goes, "come and join us", it's great, and 2,000 years of martyrs can't ALL be wrong! :D:):rolleyes:

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Just a point of information. This is an old joke that could not get past the censorship imposed on the Smother Brothers show in the late 60's or early 70's.

I'm not really that surprised... Could anyone tell me what all that is about the shadow? I 've a feeling it's linked to some pretty good advise on weather lore, and I' sure like to know what it is - besides i guess it'd help me to enjoy the joke, too. Please...? :unsure:

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Is it really necessary to analyze old jokes because they may not be historically accurate? they're jokes...

 

anyway....

 

We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthly, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and quiet whispering of the leaves in the Weeping Willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.

 

We lay there, both naked, I knew I had to have her and have her now. Without a word being spoken, I managed to move myself to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she had been waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ.

 

As sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out until the moment we had been both waiting for was upon us. As it did we rolled together in the now damp grass.

 

As the last deep orange glow of the long set sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, as we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace, I kissed her long and loving and whispered how good she had been, she tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear and whispered: "Baaaa", then re-joined the flock.

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In 1986, Dan was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

 

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

 

As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

 

Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

 

Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing.

 

The large bull elephant stared at Dan , lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

 

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Probably wasn't the same elephant...

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NOT FOR THE JOKE, BUT FOR THE SPIRITUAL STATE YOU ARE IN, TO MAKE SUCH A JOKE.

I am very, very sorry, but, as witha medical symptom, you attitude of mind betrays a big problem in your spiritual, soul area. Sure, it was a clever joke, but I couldn't repeat it - tho I might have beforemy spiritual state was remedied. We all get to be born in a state of rebellion against our maker. We want to be independent, to make our own decisions. It is helld up to be laudable, by society, too. However, there is an area in our lives which is God's and if we don't submit to Him in that area, we are in big trouble. Not only are our life decisions flawed (you've only to see the news or our own marriage to see how true that is), but our final destiny is worse than dismal. The remedy is easy. As Jesu;s saaid, and Billy Graham amongst many others have said, you ;have to give in to Him. He said we were rotten with sin (or rebellion). Jesus came to pay the price for our entire 'sinfulness' when He allowed us to murder Him on that cross.

If We accept that terrible, tortured death in our own place, and allow Him to influence our decisions from now on, then He will fill our hearts with His Holy spirit, and utter joy - nol matter what. I did, 42 years ago when I was a young punk in the British army, and He did it for me - to this very hour.

As the Salvation Army song goes, "come and join us", it's great, and 2,000 years of martyrs can't ALL be wrong! :D:):rolleyes:

See, I actually read this post expecting to see some sort of punchline. Very dissapointed when I got to the end of it, please try harder next time. Perhaps this could give you some inspiration:

 

A bus load of nun's are in an accident and all end up lined up at the Pearly Gates.

St Peter says that he needs to hear their confessions so that he can take away their earthly sins before entering heaven.

He asks the first nun, "Have you ever seen or touched a penis?"

The first nun answers, "I once touched one with my finger."

St Peter says, "Dip your finger in the holy water font and all will be forgiven."

St Peter asks the second nun, "Have you ever seen or touched a penis?"

The second nun answers, "I once fondled one with my hand."

St Peter says, "Dip your hand in the holy water font and all will be forgiven."

Just then, way up at the back of the line, all hell breaks loose and a nun comes charging down the line knocking other nuns out of her way until she gets to St Peter. St Peter looks at her with a puzzled expression and then asks, "What is going on here sister? Why all the fuss?"

The nun looks at him and replies, "Well, I just thought that if I am going to have to gargle the holy water, I wanted to get in before you make Sister Agnes put her arse in the font."

 

Or maybe this:

 

An old lady has just died and is up in heavan chatting to saint Peter when all of a sudden she hears this bloodcurdling scream, she turned to saint Peter and sais "What was that", "Oh that's just someone getting their shoulder blades drilled out for their wings".

So she seems abit concerned but carries on the conversation, a few minutes late she hears the same scream and again asked what it was, "Oh that's just the same person getting their skull drilled for their Halo", "Screw this, I'm going to hell" said the old woman. "You can't go to hell, you'll be raped and sodomised for all eternity", the old lady looked at peter as she was walking away and said "Yes that's true, but at least I already have the holes for that drilled in me"

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A man says to his wife, "get ready, you, me and the dog are going fishing."

Wife says "no",

Man says "you've got three choices, fishing , blowy, or anal."

She chooses blowy, after a while she says "this tastes like shit."

Man says, "yeah the dog didn't want to go fishing either."

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Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their dogs. The mother superior is first to open hers.

She begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

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Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their dogs. The mother superior is first to open hers.

She begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

NICEone, derek. :)

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to be fair, they can.

i'm from East Anglia. I don't want everyone thinking we are all fruitcakes.

 

Well, derek, what can I say? You''ve said it all, haven't you? Better keep out of the way, when the old Norfolk Dumplings are icing up their Christmas cakes, hadn't you?

 

Which makes me wonder what you do over Christmas and Easter. Work? Or don't your convictions stretch to that dedication?

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I'm sure this has been posted on here before but I just dont care :P

 

 

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearlygates. "In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possesssomething that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. Heflicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shookthem and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates". The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finallypulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just whatdo those symbolize?" The man replied, "These are Carols."

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I didn't have time to look through them all so this one may be old, but still funny as hell.

 

 

 

A woman walks into a H & R Block Tax accountant's office and tells him

that she needs help to file her taxes.

 

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few

questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. And

then asks, "What is your occupation?"

 

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

 

The H & R Block accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "No, No,

No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that."

 

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

 

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

 

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm a chicken farmer."

 

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a

prostitute?"

 

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

 

"Chicken Farmer it is. "

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NOT FOR THE JOKE, BUT FOR THE SPIRITUAL STATE YOU ARE IN, TO MAKE SUCH A JOKE.

I am very, very sorry, but, as witha medical symptom, you attitude of mind betrays a big problem in your spiritual, soul area. Sure, it was a clever joke, but I couldn't repeat it - tho I might have beforemy spiritual state was remedied. We all get to be born in a state of rebellion against our maker. We want to be independent, to make our own decisions. It is helld up to be laudable, by society, too. However, there is an area in our lives which is God's and if we don't submit to Him in that area, we are in big trouble. Not only are our life decisions flawed (you've only to see the news or our own marriage to see how true that is), but our final destiny is worse than dismal. The remedy is easy. As Jesu;s saaid, and Billy Graham amongst many others have said, you ;have to give in to Him. He said we were rotten with sin (or rebellion). Jesus came to pay the price for our entire 'sinfulness' when He allowed us to murder Him on that cross.

If We accept that terrible, tortured death in our own place, and allow Him to influence our decisions from now on, then He will fill our hearts with His Holy spirit, and utter joy - nol matter what. I did, 42 years ago when I was a young punk in the British army, and He did it for me - to this very hour.

As the Salvation Army song goes, "come and join us", it's great, and 2,000 years of martyrs can't ALL be wrong! :D:):rolleyes:

Can I get an "Amen"?

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the joke needs a little work.... Arabia is not a Nation and Muslims don't drink beer.

you're wrong, you know. I've Found them the be the biggest liars, hypocrites and thieves in the world,(as have all the British soldiers in the last ww). I am convinced that they have only two fears: bacon sarnies and having their religion proven false. whether the latter is possible is for another debate, and don't have it with them, they will torture you 'till you give in. I really am convinced that it is held by them to be a religion of convenience. Without it the imams would have nothing to ride on the backs of everyone else with, and the ordinary man desperately needs it to terrorise their women into submission. That is what I believe, and I've had a lot of communion with them. They can be great guys, and ladies. But, oh, the stories some of them have told me...!

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I didn't have time to look through them all so this one may be old, but still funny as hell.

 

 

 

A woman walks into a H & R Block Tax accountant's office and tells him

that she needs help to file her taxes.

 

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few

questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. And

then asks, "What is your occupation?"

 

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

 

The H & R Block accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "No, No,

No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that."

 

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

 

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

 

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm a chicken farmer."

 

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a

prostitute?"

 

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

 

"Chicken Farmer it is. "

 

She's so funny. Cute too. :P

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you're wrong, you know. I've Found them the be the biggest liars, hypocrites and thieves in the world,(as have all the British soldiers in the last ww). I am convinced that they have only two fears: bacon sarnies and having their religion proven false. whether the latter is possible is for another debate, and don't have it with them, they will torture you 'till you give in. I really am convinced that it is held by them to be a religion of convenience. Without it the imams would have nothing to ride on the backs of everyone else with, and the ordinary man desperately needs it to terrorise their women into submission. That is what I believe, and I've had a lot of communion with them. They can be great guys, and ladies. But, oh, the stories some of them have told me...!

 

Mike

This is the joke thread. If you do have anything funny to put down fuck off and take it to PA.

Secondly if I want religion thrust upon me I would go to a church service. I would prefer to not read in a joke thread on SA.

Kind Regards

Scott

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Mike

This is the joke thread. If you do have anything funny to put down fuck off and take it to PA.

Secondly if I want religion thrust upon me I would go to a church service. I would prefer to not read in a joke thread on SA.

Kind Regards

Scott

 

 

Methinks this guy CORDNER (make sure to use upper case MIKEy me boy) is on a field trip. So would the smarty pants computer types on this forum please out him and we can return the favor.

 

TOG

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Methinks this guy CORDNER (make sure to use upper case MIKEy me boy) is on a field trip. So would the smarty pants computer types on this forum please out him and we can return the favor.

 

TOG

the same irritation you two feel, is the same they felt in jerusalem in ad 1 and ad33 - and for the same reasons. Sorry. Try to have a nice Christmas................

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the same irritation you two feel, is the same they felt in jerusalem in ad 1 and ad33 - and for the same reasons. Sorry. Try to have a nice Christmas................

 

 

Why cant Jesus eat M&M's?.................

 

They keep falling through the holes in his hands.

 

 

 

Whats the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?.................

 

Only takes 1 nail to hang the painting.

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The Kitchen Bitch

 

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

 

She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now... cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train...cause we're going down the tracks."

 

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train..but I want you to use nice language."

 

Two hours later, the son came out of the b edroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say...

 

"All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

 

She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

 

 

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen...."

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An oldie worth repeating if it's already been done:

 

 

A Chinese couple gets married -- and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night,

she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:

"My dal-ling" he says, "I know dis you fus time and you vel-ly flighten.

I plomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting, jus anyting, you wan, you say. Whatchou wan?"

he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure,

"I wan ...... numba 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries......... "You want... Beef wif Bloccoli."?

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NOT FOR THE JOKE, BUT FOR THE SPIRITUAL STATE YOU ARE IN, TO MAKE SUCH A JOKE.

I am very, very sorry, but, as witha medical symptom, you attitude of mind betrays a big problem in your spiritual, soul area. Sure, it was a clever joke, but I couldn't repeat it - tho I might have beforemy spiritual state was remedied. We all get to be born in a state of rebellion against our maker. We want to be independent, to make our own decisions. It is helld up to be laudable, by society, too. However, there is an area in our lives which is God's and if we don't submit to Him in that area, we are in big trouble. Not only are our life decisions flawed (you've only to see the news or our own marriage to see how true that is), but our final destiny is worse than dismal. The remedy is easy. As Jesu;s saaid, and Billy Graham amongst many others have said, you ;have to give in to Him. He said we were rotten with sin (or rebellion). Jesus came to pay the price for our entire 'sinfulness' when He allowed us to murder Him on that cross.

If We accept that terrible, tortured death in our own place, and allow Him to influence our decisions from now on, then He will fill our hearts with His Holy spirit, and utter joy - nol matter what. I did, 42 years ago when I was a young punk in the British army, and He did it for me - to this very hour.

As the Salvation Army song goes, "come and join us", it's great, and 2,000 years of martyrs can't ALL be wrong! :D:):rolleyes:

 

fuck off back to the church so you can molest some poor little boys, chester

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The emergency services recieve a call from a man who is clearly upset...

"I was out hunting and there's been an accident!"

"I think my mate is dead!"

"It was an accident .. it was an accident ... I think he's dead."

The operator tries to calm the guy down

"Okay cool it, let's just make sure he's dead shall we?"

There's a pause

Two loud bangs are heard by the operator then the guy comes back to the phone

"... right, now what?"

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fuck off back to the church so you can molest some poor little boys, chester

 

1. It is most unwise to judge OTHERS by your OWN sad standards.

 

2. JESUS never attended church. He came, as I do, out into the real world and offered help to those of us who are willing to admit that we can't do it ALL ourselves, and need a little help.

 

3. Pride, and arrogance is what made the devil fall. You like so many others, are you THAT eager to join him and pay the consequences, here, now and later....?

 

4. I sure hope not, Chester, either way : have a nice day!

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So Jesus is up on the cross, roman legions doing crowd control...

 

"Peter! Peter!"

 

Peter tries to approach, but the roman soldiers block his way.

 

"Peter! Peter!"

 

Tries to get past, the soldiers grab him, Peter struggles, they beat him. Badly. Peter collapses, weeping.

 

"Peter! Peter!"

 

Peter stuggles, gets up. Wipes his bloody nose, spits out a tooth... and cradling his broken arm, starts , limping towards the cross.

 

The soldiers grab him again. But their centurion, impressed by Peter's determination, has second thoughts. Tells the soldiers to let him pass.

 

Peter limps his way closer.

 

"Yes, Lord?"

 

"Peter! I can see your house from here!"

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1. It is most unwise to judge OTHERS by your OWN sad standards.

 

2. JESUS never attended church. He came, as I do, out into the real world and offered help to those of us who are willing to admit that we can't do it ALL ourselves, and need a little help.

 

3. Pride, and arrogance is what made the devil fall. You like so many others, are you THAT eager to join him and pay the consequences, here, now and later....?

 

4. I sure hope not, Chester, either way : have a nice day!

 

religion is the root of all evil.

 

someone find out where this lunatic came from so we can go on a field trip

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MIKE take your pompous ass to PA if you're not going to post jokes in here........

 

now where were we... oh yeah....

 

 

 

 

 

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo Toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

 

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

 

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

 

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

 

At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

 

The Personnel Manager burst into l aughter. After several minutes of hysterics, he pulled himself together and approached Lena. "I'm sorry," he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but

I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..." "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

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MIKE take your pompous ass to PA if you're not going to post jokes in here........

Well, I can't. 'Cos I don't know where PA is, nor what it is. Sorry.

 

Now if you like this joke, maybe I'll learn to stomach the sick and nasty stuff some of you seem to enjoy at other's expense:

 

Your Granny, mother, loved wife and little girls were on the street, hooking, when some guy comes and chops their arms off and says ......

 

 

 

Get the point (i hope)....?

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religion is the root of all evil.

 

someone find out where this lunatic came from so we can go on a field trip

If we were in the physical, instead of the virtual, I'd like to think that you'd have the decency to accept my protests like all my other friends do. No need for a field trip, just tell me where YOU are, and if it,s feasible, I'll come and meet with you, and hopefully we could crack some good jokes together. I love jokes, just like you do, so lets not get hung up on this, and put our minds to enjoying some more FUN instead, eh?

 

By the way - merry Christmas to you and all the rest of you folks out there, I hope its one of the best you've ever had.

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MIKE take your pompous ass to PA if you're not going to post jokes in here........

 

now where were we... oh yeah....

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo Toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

 

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

 

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

 

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

 

At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

 

The Personnel Manager burst into l aughter. After several minutes of hysterics, he pulled himself together and approached Lena. "I'm sorry," he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but

I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..." "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

by the way - i love this joke. I laugh every time I hear or read it.

 

Thanks.

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ignore... click

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If we were in the physical, instead of the virtual, I'd like to think that you'd have the decency to accept my protests like all my other friends do. No need for a field trip, just tell me where YOU are, and if it,s feasible, I'll come and meet with you, and hopefully we could crack some good jokes together. I love jokes, just like you do, so lets not get hung up on this, and put our minds to enjoying some more FUN instead, eh?

 

By the way - merry Christmas to you and all the rest of you folks out there, I hope its one of the best you've ever had.

 

no worries mikey, i am in a muslim country so i will meet you at the mosque around the corner maybe they can teach you something about religion.

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B)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Jeff B @ Dec 9 2007, 09:04 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->Jesus christ, cordner - stop fucking up this joke thread! Take it to PA or start your own thread for fucks sake!

i wouldn't call mike jesus christ.

... but I had the nails ready and everything...

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Mike,

PA is Political Anarchy. Go there. Have a thick skin. Your not alone here but the atheist are more vocal and abusive. (Imagine that).

 

 

Father Joe is walking through the red light district and the ladies keep saying "Father you want head? only ten bucks" He is not sure what this means so he goes back to the convent and says Mother Teresa what "head"?

She says "10 bucks same as in town!"

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Top Ten Reasons That Beer Is Better Than Jesus:-

a) No one will kill you for not drinking beer.

b ) Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.

c) They don't force beer on minors who cannot think for themselves.

d) Beer has never caused a major war.

e) When you have a beer you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.

f) Nobody has ever been burned at the stake, hanged or tortured over a beer.

g) You don't have to wait 2000 years for a second beer.

h) There are laws saying beer labels cannot lie to you.

I) You can prove you have a beer.

j) If you are devoted to beer then there are groups who can help you stop.

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An Indian man dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.

 

"Yes, how can I help?" asks St Peter.

 

"I'm here to meet Jesus," says the Indian man.

 

St Peter looks over his shoulder and shouts, "Jesus, your cab is here!"

 

 

 

Q: What's white and zips across the sky at 100 mph followed by a band of angels?

 

A: The coming of the Lord.

 

 

 

What's the difference between real Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

 

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

 

 

 

A Catholic priest, a Boy Scout leader and a lawyer take some boys out on an adventure trip. On the flight over, there is engine trouble and the plane is about to go down.

 

"We have a problem", says the pilot. "There are only three parachutes!"

 

The Boy Scout leader suggests they give them to the boys.

 

"Screw the boys," shouts the lawyer.

 

"Is there time?" asks the priest.

 

 

 

 

 

Q: What do you give a paedophile who has everything?

 

A: A bigger parish.

 

 

 

Hitler walks up to the Pearly Gates and says to St Peter, "I'd like to come in."

 

St Peter: "Not likely!"

 

Hitler: I've repented and I've given back all the gold and treasures that I stole from the Jews, and I'm really sorry."

 

At that point, Jesus walks up and asks what's going on. St Peter: "It's Hitler here, he wants to come in."

 

Jesus: "Bugger off!"

 

Hitler: "No, it's true! To prove it, I've got a six foot solid gold cross I can't find the owner of. I could give that to you."

 

Now Jesus was partial to crosses, so he went to see God. Jesus: "Hey Dad, I've got Hitler outside and he wants to come in now he's repented."

 

God: "Tell him to get lost!"

 

Jesus: "But Dad, he's given back all the gold that he stole from the Jews - except for a six foot, solid gold cross he can't find the owner for. He says I can have it."

 

God: "And what do you want with a solid gold cross? You couldn't even carry a fuckin' wooden one!"

 

 

 

What's the difference between a priest and a pimple?

 

A pimple waits until you're 13 before coming on your face.

 

 

 

Q: How does Jesus masturbate?

 

A: [Mime: place the palm of your hand over your groin, then move your hand away from and towards yourself, as if you were using the hole through your palm.]

 

 

 

A little girl is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying her eyes out. A priest approaches and says, "My child, why are you so upset?"

 

The little girl turns to him and says, "My mummy and daddy were in their car – and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."

 

The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"

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Top Ten Reasons That Beer Is Better Than Jesus:-

a) No one will kill you for not drinking beer.

b ) Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.

c) They don't force beer on minors who cannot think for themselves.

d) Beer has never caused a major war.

e) When you have a beer you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.

f) Nobody has ever been burned at the stake, hanged or tortured over a beer.

g) You don't have to wait 2000 years for a second beer.

h) There are laws saying beer labels cannot lie to you.

I) You can prove you have a beer.

j) If you are devoted to beer then there are groups who can help you stop.

 

Well you got back on the "joke" thread, and flamed this guy simultaneously. Well done, clap clap.

 

TOG

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A little BOY is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying her eyes out. A priest approaches and says, "My child, why are you so upset?"

 

The little BOY turns to him and says, "My mummy and daddy were in their car – and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."

 

The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"

 

 

Correction provided by Accuracy in Journalism

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Jesus and Moses were watching the Master's golf tournament at Augusta. They thought they

would like to play golf. They went to Augusta to play. When they had to cross water to the

next green Moses asked "What club are you going to use." Jesus replied "Arnold Palmer always uses a 7 iron, so I am going to use a 7 iron." He hit the ball and it went into the water. Moses parted the water and retrived the ball. Then suggested that Jesus use a different club. Jesus again said

"Arnold Palmer uses a 7 iron, so I am going to use a 7 iron." He again hit the ball into the water.

Moses sighed, parted the water, retrived the ball and again suggested using a different club.

Jesus again said "Arnold Palmer uses a 7 iron, so I will use a 7 iron. Moses said "If you hit it

in the water again I will not go after it." Jesus hit the ball in the water once again. When Moses

stood by his word and did not part the water, Jesus walked out onto the water to retrive his ball.

About this time the next group of golfers came up behind them. Seeing Jesus walking on the

water one of them remarked. "Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?" Moses replied "He is

Jesus Christ. He thinks he is Arnold Palmer."

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Since we're on a religious theme:

 

Why would you always bring at least two Baptists sailing with you?

Because if you bring only one he'll drink all your beer...

 

Why don't Baptist fuck standing up?

 

 

 

Someone will think their dancing.

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B)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Jeff B @ Dec 9 2007, 09:04 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->Jesus christ, cordner - stop fucking up this joke thread! Take it to PA or start your own thread for fucks sake!

i wouldn't call mike jesus christ.

 

haven't you noticed? I don't like religion, mate, only Jesus, 'cos of what he did for me.

 

Reminds me of an old :( priest who woke on a glorious day, and felt what a shame it was it was Sunday. He REALLY fancied going around the golf course, instead. It occurred to him that His curate was pretty well up to scratch, so he hatched the ploy of a poorly throat, etc, so when the curate went across to the church, he snuck out with his clubs to the links. Apparantly God and Gabriel were supposed to be watching, and Gabriel said to God,

"Look at that!"

"So?", was the reply.

"aren't You going to do something about it?"

"Sure am. Watch this..."

The Rev. put the ball on a tee, steadied himself with the usual shuffling of feet, preparative swings, and so on, and then... Whop! the ball sprung off the club, soared gracefully through the glorious skies, and dropped right on the green, rolled until it fell with a satisfying 'plop'. squarely down the first hole.

"Whaaat?!" protested the angel.

"That's nothing, watch on!" was the reply.

They did. Hole two, Hole in one...

Hole three, Hole in one.

Hole four, the same;

and for the next fourteen holes, amidst the most wonderful skies, singing birds, no-one to hold him up..the whole lot. Perrrrfect!!!

As the priest gave such a deep, satisfied sigh, it suddenly dawned on him that he had just suffered the worst round of golf any dedicated golfer could have ever played. 18 holes-in-ones, and he could NEVER, NEVER, EVER tell a soul. He crept disconsolately back to the vicarage, and when the curate met him afterwards, he said that he'd just met a good friend of the priest's, who, told him of an amazing thing.

The men in the 19th hole had just watched some unknown visitor play 18 straight holes-in-one, but he'd disappeared before they could give him life-long membership of the club, along with Life presidency. He's asked the curate if the priest could pray for them that they could find the man... He would be the talk of the golfing world for years to come and never buy a drink in that club ever again!

He coud have been a pro. - or ....?

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These two guys go for a lunch time game on a working day, and one a neighbouring tee, were two ladies. One of them had a mighty swing, 'cos it was a fairly long hole, but sliced it rather badly, and it headed for the two businessmen, just as one was swinging up for his shot.

"Oh!", exclaimed one of them, with her hands up to her mouth. The ball curved arund in a perfect arc, and hit the man as he swung his club down. With a scream, he fell rolling to the ground.

The two ladies ran urgently over to the men and cried out how sorry they were, and was he alright, and could they do something...You know, all the things girls say when they feel guilty and vulnerable.

"Look, I'm a therapist - would you like me to masssage it for you?" one of them asked, as he clutched his hands between his legs.

"Unk...ok.."uttered the man. He took his hands away from his crotch and she put her hands there and applied her theraputic skills to the task. After a while, she asked if it felt any less painful.

He replied, "no, but don't stop, it's taking my mind off the damn thumb!" :blink:

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:unsure: Reg took an hour or so off his insurance business to play a few holes one tuesday afternoon. As he teed off the fourth, he sliced the ball nastily to the right through the trees. "What the heck", he looked around and as he could see no-one about, he dropped a second ball and drove off a little better that time. It wasn't surprising, really, he thought, that he' messed up the shot, with all that row going on, how could a man concentrate as well as you could on a nice quiet Sunday?

He finished the nine holes, went back to work and on the following Sunday, he set off round the course and just as he was about to tee off on the fourth again, he played so much better than he had done the previous Tuesday.

In the 10th hole ( the clubhouse - they only had nine holes, there) Jack, the pro sidled up to him. "I was watching you last Tuesday."

"No! I hadn't noticed anyone about...?" Reg was a little shaken. He been SEEN! Cheating!

"'Fraid so," answered Jack, in a low voice. " You sliced the ball and it went thrugh the trees and did a bit of damage, you know."

"Oh, no! What did it do?"

"We heard later, that it had ricoched off a branch of the big larch, in there. Know the one?"

"Yes..."

"Then it went through the window of a double decker bus and knocked the driver out. The bus was full of school kids on their way to see some lambs at the zoo farm, and it crashed. All the kids were killed. damn shame.."

"Oh, no! All of them? How...?"

"Well, it was because the bus swerved into an ammunition lorry coming the other way... It blew a hole in the ground the size of a house!" Jack explained.

"Oh, my g... What shall I do..?"

" That's not all," muttered Jack, rather enjoying himself. He was bound to get a double out of this... "The queen was coming along just behind the ammunition lorry, and there was nothing the driver could do. They went straight into the hole! You should've seen it! You 'd have thought ... well she survived it, when they finally got her out... There's hell to pay..."

Oh, my go.." uttered Reg, "What shall I do?"

 

Jack gave him a reassuring pat on the shoulder in a pro lie way. "Well, if you make sure that next time you hold your club more like this :unsure: ..."

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I laugh and laugh here.

 

What did Jesus say to the innkeeper?

 

Can you put me up for the night?

 

 

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in school

 

There are no aethisist in foxholes

 

I laugh and laugh here.

 

What did Jesus say to the innkeeper?

 

Can you put me up for the night?

 

 

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in school

 

There are no aethisist in foxholes

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Mike I feel I speak for a great many people when I say your jokes are just not funny. What are you trying to achieve by completely fucking a perfectly good thread of jokes? I am glad you have found jesus and he has been a great guy for you. But this does not make me laugh. I come to this thread to lauagh not be preached to.

So I say again FUCK OFF MIKE :angry::angry: and take it to another place