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I know, I know.. PA.. no, I wont go in there

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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for th

One sunny day in late January 2021, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,

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WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

 

Men Are Just Happier People--

 

Your last name stays put.

 

The garage is all yours.

 

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

 

Chocolate is just another snack.

 

You can never be pregnant.

 

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

 

The world is your urinal.

 

You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.

 

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

 

Same work, more pay.

 

Wrinkles add character.

 

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

 

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

 

One mood all the time.

 

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

 

You know stuff about tanks and engines.

 

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

 

You can open all your own jars.

 

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

 

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

 

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

 

You never have strap problems in public.

 

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

 

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

 

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

 

You only have to shave your face and neck.

 

You can play with toys all your life.

 

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.

 

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

 

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife..

 

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

 

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

:)

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There was a Priest and a Nun crossing the desert on a camel one day when a terrible sand storm came. It lasted for 6 hours and when it finally cleared they were horrified to see their camel was dead. They had no food or water and the situation looked hopelss. The Priest turned to the Nun and said "Sister, seeing as we are going to die out here, can you grant me one wish?"

The Nun said "Yes Father, what is your final wish?"

"In all my years in the church Ive never seen a pair of breasts before." said the Priest. The Nun was a bit shocked but lifted her robes to show off her tits in all their glory. The Priest smiled and said "Thank you Sister."

Then the Nun turned to the Priest and said "Father, in all my years in the church I have never seen a mans thingy before. Is it alright for you to show me?" The priest happily agreed and got his junk out. The Nun studied it intensely. The Priest had his eyes closed and was rising to attention as the Nun touched it with fascination. The Priest said with a smile on his face, "Sister, do you know that when its placed in certain areas it can give life?"

And the Nun looked and at him and said "WELL STICK IT UP THIS CAMELS ARSE AND LETS GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!!!!"

 

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I dont care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

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She approached him.
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'My name is Carmen,' she told him.
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He said, 'B. J. Titsengolf.'
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PROFOUND THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING

 

Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer

 

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

 

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says,

 

'You better think it over - women like that are hard to find'

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an old one, but funny none the less..

 

The Chili judge

 

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no oneelse wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the lastmoment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the othertwo judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event: Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You couldremove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out.

Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what Iam supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two peoplewho wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick.

Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of redpeppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nosefeels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.

Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part ofmy chest.

I'm getting shit-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.

Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but wasunable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me withfresh refills; that 300lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.

Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes.

I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestantseemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher.

It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Fuck those rednecks! Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balanceof spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.

Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled withgaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind meexcept that slut Sally.

I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in acan of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I amworried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he iscursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a fucking grenade in my mouth, pull thepin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is coveredwith chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my goddamn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.

I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Fuck it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safefor all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot.

Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure ifhe's going to make. Poor Yank.

FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

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Polish Divorce

 

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl..

Although his English was far from perfect, and they got along very well.

One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

 

Have you any grounds?

Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

 

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

It made of concrete.

 

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?

No, we have carport, and not need one.

 

I mean. What are your relations like?

All my relations still in Poland .

 

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

 

Does your wife beat you up?

No, I always up before her.

 

Is your wife a nagger?

No, she white.

 

Why do you want this divorce?

She going to kill me.

 

What makes you think that?

I got proof.

 

What kind of proof?

She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore

and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say:

'Polish Remover'

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One day, long, long ago...

there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But this was a long time ago...

and it was just that one day.

 

The End

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WHY SENTENCE STRUCTURE IS IMPORTANT

 

 

 

 

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two

 

people, Yvonne or Jack.

 

 

 

 

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.

 

 

 

 

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used

 

the water cooler the next morning.

 

 

 

 

Yvonne came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying

 

all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

 

The boss approached her and said: 'Yvonne, I've never done this before but

 

I have to lay you or Jack off.'

 

 

 

 

'Could you jack off?' she says. 'I feel like shit.'

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The family wheeled Grandma out on to the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

 

Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

 

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

 

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

 

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

 

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

 

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew......"Bastards won't let me fart."

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The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving

each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the

next day,he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early

morning business flight.

 

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on

a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he knew

she would find it.

 

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and

he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his

wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

paper said, "It is 5:00 AM .. Wake up."

 

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests

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WIFE VS. HUSBAND

 

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a

word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted

to concede their position.

 

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked

sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

 

"Yep," the wife replied , " in-laws"

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WHO DOES WHAT

 

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the

coffee each morning.

 

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,

 

and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

 

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you

should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my

coffee."

 

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible

that the man should do the coffee."

 

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the

Bible, and opened the New Testament

 

and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says

............"HEBREWS"

 

 

God may have created man before woman,

but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

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SEVEN KINDS OF SEX

 

Results of recent research shows that there are seven kinds of Sex.

 

The 1st kind of sex is called: - Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until

you are blue in the face.

 

The 2nd kind of sex is called: - Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

 

The 3rd kind of sex is called: - Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine ,and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

 

The 4th kind of sex is called: - Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.'

 

The 5th kind of sex is called: - Religious Sex. Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

 

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

 

And last, but not least,

 

The 7th kind of sex is called: - Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

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just got this one today, and don't remember seing it on here before.

 

A man goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor, I've got this problem you see, only

you've got to promise not to laugh."

The doctor replies,

"Of course I won't laugh, that would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over

twenty years of being a doctor I've never laughed at a patient."

 

"OK then," says the man, and he drops his trousers.

The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest penis he has ever seen in his

life. Unable to control himself, he falls about laughing on the floor.Ten

minutes later he is able to struggle up to his feet and wipe the tears from his

eyes,

"I'm so sorry," he says to the patient, "I don't know what came over me, I won't

let it happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

 

The man looks up at the doctor sadly and says, "It's swollen."

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Alabama Vasectomy

 

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

 

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

 

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

 

"Trust me," said the doctor.

 

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:"1, 2, 3, 4, 5..."

 

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy

 

with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old,

 

fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

 

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

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Two men are talking in the bar sharing their sob stories.

 

One man says, "I had the worst Freudian Slip the other day."

 

The other man responds, "What is a Freudian Slip?"

 

"You know, it's when you mean to say one thing, but you say something else that reveals what you are really thinking about. Like the other day I was at the airport and this really beautiful lady was helping me. Instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh', I asked her for 'to Pickets to Tittsburgh."

 

he second replies, "Oh, now I know what you are talking about. It's like the other day when I was having breakfast with my wife. I wanted her to pass me the Orange Juice, and instead I said, "YOU RUINED MY LIFE!"

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Jack was driving home from one of his business trips in Northern Arizona when he saw an elderly

Navajo man walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car

and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride.

 

With a silent nod of thanks, the old man got into the car.

 

Resuming the journey, Jack tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man.

The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail,

until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Jack.

 

'What in bag?' asked the old man.

 

Jack looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.'

 

The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two.

 

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said:

 

'Good trade.....'

 

:lol::lol:

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John was in the fertilized egg business.

 

 

He had several hundred young layers

 

(hens), called 'pullets,'

 

and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

 

 

He kept records,

 

and any rooster not performing

 

went into the soup pot

 

and was replaced.

 

 

This took a lot of time,

 

so he bought some tiny bells

 

and attached them to his roosters.

 

 

Each bell had a different tone,

 

so he could tell from a distance,

 

which rooster was performing.

 

 

Now, he could sit on the porch

 

And fill out an efficiency report

 

by just listening to the bells.

 

 

John's favorite rooster, old Butch,

 

was a very fine specimen,

 

but this morning he noticed

 

old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

 

 

When he went to investigate,

 

he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets,

 

bells-a-ringing, but the pullets,

 

hearing the roosters coming,

 

could run for cover.

 

 

To John's amazement,

 

old Butch had his bell in his beak,

 

so it couldn't ring.

 

 

He'd sneak up on a pullet,

 

do his job and walk on to the next one.

 

 

John was so proud of old Butch,

 

he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair

 

and he became an overnight sensation

 

among the judges.

 

 

The result was the judges

 

not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize

 

but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

 

 

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.

 

 

Who else but a politician could figure out

 

how to win two of the most highly coveted awards

 

on our planet by being the best

 

at sneaking up on the populace

 

and screwing them

 

when they weren't paying attention.

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A chicken and an egg were in bed together and "afterwards" the egg lit up a cigarette, turned to the chicken and said, "I guess I solved the mystery to that question, didn't I?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Heh, heh....

 

Sorry to waste your time...

 

:P

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A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks,

"Bartender, got any specials today?"

 

 

Bartender answers,

"Yes, as a matter of fact, we have a new drink invented by a gynecologist patron of ours.

It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka."

 

 

The guy asks,

"Good grief, what do you call that?"

 

 

The bartender replied,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"It's a 'Pabst Smir'."

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A guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop. While looking around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk behind the counter. He walks up to the counter where she is standing, unzips his pants, flops his knob out and and places it on the counter. "What are you doing, Sir?", she asks. "This is a clock shop!!" He replied, "I know it is and I would like 2 hands and a face put on this!"

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A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her

students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

 

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the

3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd

grade too!'

 

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

 

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the

principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he

would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions

he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

 

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he

agreed to take the test.

 

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

 

Harry: '9.'

 

 

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

 

Harry: '36.'

 

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader

should know.

 

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go

to the 3rd grade.'

 

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

 

The principal and Harry both agreed.

 

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two

of?'

 

 

 

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

 

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

 

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

 

 

 

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

 

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps in to?'

 

 

 

Harry: 'Pants.'

 

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,

delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

 

 

 

Harry: 'Coconut.'

 

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

 

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and

sticky?'

 

 

 

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the

answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

 

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down

and a dog does on three legs?'

 

 

 

 

 

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

 

The principal was trembling.

 

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a

lot of heat and excitement?'

 

 

 

Harry: 'Firetruck'

 

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put

Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong

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As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became

aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the

height of the first step of the bus.

 

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus

driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,

thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She

tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

 

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached

behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for

the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her

chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

 

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached

behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take

the step.

 

About this time, a large sailor who was standing behind her

picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step

of the bus.

 

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and

yelled, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

 

The sailor smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,

but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind a figured we was friends.

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Be careful what you pray for, you might just get it!

 

In a small Texas town, a new bar/tavern started construction of a building to open up their business.

The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petition and prayers.

 

Work progressed right up until the week before opening when a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground.

 

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.

 

The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the buildings demise in its reply to the court.

 

As the case made its way in to court, the judge looked over the paperwork and at the hearing he commented,

"I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork I have before me, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't."

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An old prospector walks his tired ol' mule into a western town. He'd been in the desert for six weeks without a drop of whiskey.

 

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. He looked at the old man, laughd, and said: "Old timer, have you ever danced?" The old man replied: "No, I never did, just never wanted to." A crowd had gathered and the gunslinger said: "Well, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector hopped round and everybody was laughing.

 

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet he holstered his gun and turned to go back into the saloon. The old man reached up on the mule, drew his 12-gauge shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned, looking down the barrel of the shotgun. The old man asked: "Ever kiss a mule's ass?" The gunslinger swallowed hard and replied: "No, but I always wanted to."

 

 

The lessons from this story:

1. Don't waste ammunition.

2. Don't mess with old people.

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What do you call a pretty girl working the bow?

-- The hood ornament.

 

 

Wow newb, nearly a year for that, your second post. You must do better..........oh, I'll leave it to someone else..............

 

m

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There was a couple who were rabid LSU fans and had season tickets for all the games, but they REALLY went all out and attended their favorite rivalry religiously for 25 years:

 

LSU-Ole Miss!

 

whether in Death Valley Baton Rouge or up in Oxford, they were there, on the forty-yard line five rows up, side by side...

 

Well, last year the woman shows up and attends the game next to her husband's empty seat. As these things go...the regulars around her, knowing her rabid attendance record, leaned in and asked why her husband wasn't with her for the first time.

 

"Well, I'm sorry to say my husband died."

 

The seating neighbors were distraught and appropriately sympathetic. But one couldn't help but ask her, "It's very touching you'd preserve his empty seat for him in memory, but why didn't you offer it to a relative, or one of his close friends? I'm sure he would have liked it that way."

 

"Well, I tried," she responded. "But they all wanted to go to the funeral."

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If Jesus had been killed forty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.

 

Lenny Bruce

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Two assassins are hired to kill a dictator in South America. They follow his every move for months, and find out that every day at noon he goes outside and does his stretching exercises.

 

So the assassins set up shop right across the street, get all of their sights set, load the guns, and have everything ready to go.

 

Noon comes, no dictator... 10 minutes longer... no dictator.

 

One assassin turns to the other and says, "Gee, I hope nothing happened to him."

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A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

 

 

 

The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”

 

 

 

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

 

 

 

The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”

 

 

 

The priest apologized, “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.”

 

 

 

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

 

 

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

 

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

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Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina, were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain.

 

Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

 

Sunny: "What's that?"

 

Tina: "A condom."

 

Sunny: "Where'd you get it?"

 

Tina: "You can get them at any chemist"

 

The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local chemist and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms.

 

The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties), but politely asked what brand she preferred.

 

"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits on a Camel."

 

The pharmacist fainted.

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A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young man drives in and comes to the door. "Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milkweed in your pasture.

Would you mind if I went out and got some milk?"

"You don't get milk from milkweed!" the farmer replied. "Oh yes," said the young man, "I have a degree in Agriculture from Texas A&M, I know all about it."

"Well, help yourself," said the farmer. He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full of milk.

The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch when the same young man drove up.

"Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you had some honeysuckle in the fence row.

I wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?"

"You don't get honey from honeysuckle!" said the farmer. Again,the young man explained about his degree from A&M, so the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey.

Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of honey.

The next day the same young man drove up to the farmer's house.

"Sir, yesterday when I was getting the honey, I noticed you had some pussywillow down by the creek."

The farmer said, "Let me get my shoes and I'll go with you!"

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On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

 

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

 

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

 

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

 

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

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A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate.

 

All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother. "I was having a wee and this bullet came out." replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.

 

About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was having a wee and this bullet came out." Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago.

 

A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the mom, "I know what happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out." And the boy says, "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

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Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

 

When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now is considered to be mentally stable. The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays soundness of the mind."

 

"The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

 

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. When can I go home?"

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A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

 

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

 

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

 

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

 

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

 

Officer: The car is stolen?

 

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

 

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

 

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

 

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

 

Driver: Yes, sir.

 

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

 

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

 

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

 

Captain: Who's car is this?

 

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

 

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

 

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

 

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

 

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

 

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

 

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove-box, and that there was a body in the trunk?

 

Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the big liar told you I was speeding too!

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A married couple are lying in bed together on the morning

of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says,

'Darling, as this is such a special occasion I think that

it's time I made a confession .

 

Before we were married, I was a hooker for eight years.'

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his

wife's eyes and says 'My love, you've been a perfect wife

for ten years, I cannot hold your past against you, in fact

maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice

up our sex life a bit!'

 

She said, 'I don't think you understand, my name was Brian

and I played for Parramatta .'

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A guy was walking past a pet shop and stopped to look in the window (as we all do!) where he spotted the cutest animal he had ever seen. Captivated, he went inside and asked the proprietor what sort of animal it was.

 

“That,” said the man, “is a most unusual animal; it’s called a ‘rairy’. They come from the deep jungles of South America and are reputed to be the friendliest and most clever animals on earth. I would caution you that the specimen you see is just a baby, and it will grow to be quite large!”

 

Although it was expensive, the man purchased the rairy and took it home. It proved an ideal pet, eating anything, was housetrained in a few days, seemed adept at learning classic dog-style tricks, mastering all the common commands within a fortnight and had absolutely no apparent vices.

 

But it did grow rapidly!

 

By the time it was four months old, it was as big as its master and showed no sign of slowing down.

 

About this time the owner determined that the animal seemed to be responding to his commands with definite fixed sounds. The owner thought that, with a bit of effort, he could teach the rairy a few phrases of English.

 

Incredibly, within a month, he was able to conduct basic conversations with it and soon after found he had an erudite and agreeable companion who could discourse on serious topics at length.

 

But it continued to grow!

 

At nine months, it weighed three hundred kilograms and was over two metres tall. The owner had widened the main doors it used to accommodate its expanding girth and had upgraded his car to a large SUV in order to carry it around.

 

And still it grew!

 

Before it was a year old, in spite of his close relationship with it, the owner decided he could no longer keep it. After some weeks of unsuccessful attempts to place the animal, he sadly concluded that he would have to do away with it.

 

Weighing up his options, he decided that shooting it or poisoning it at home was impractical as it was, by this time, nearly three metres tall and weighed nearly a tonne, so that disposal of the remains would be all but impossible.

 

Eventually he decided to take the animal on an outing to a disused quarry, where he would push it over a tall cliff.

 

The next day he loaded the rairy into the SUV, drove out to the quarry and stopped near the top of the cliff. Walking to the edge of the cliff with the animal, he broke down and told the rairy of his intentions.

 

As he had expected, the rairy was understanding and saw that the owner really had no other option.

 

They worked out a plan whereby the rairy would stand at the edge of the cliff and the owner would rush forward without warning and tip him over.

As the rairy approached the edge of the cliff, he looked over and a tear formed in his eye. He turned to his beloved master and said:...........

 

 

“It’s a long way tip a rairy!”

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Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

 

The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you

want a pay increase?"

 

Maria: "Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.

The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Your husband said so."

Wife: "Oh."

 

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Your husband did."

Wife: "Oh."

 

Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."

Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora, the gardener did."

 

SHE GOT THE RAISE

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Q. What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?

A. Life sucks, job sucks, wife doesn't.

 

Q. What are the three stages of sex in life?

A. Tri weekly, Try weekly, Try weakly.

 

Q. What's an Australian kiss?

A. A French kiss, only down under

 

Q. Why do men have a difficult time making eye contact?

A. Because tits don't have eyes.

 

-Virginity is not dignity. It's lack of opportunity.

 

-Panties are not the best thing on Earth. They are next to the best thing on Earth.

 

-There are only 2 four-letter words that men find offensive: "Don't" and "Stop" (unless, of course, they are used together).

 

-Marriage is the only war where you can sleep with the enemy.

 

-Impotence is nature's way of saying "No hard feelings...."

 

-When I was born, I was given a choice: A big dick or a good memory. I can't remember what I chose.

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The other day I was in the pub having a few quiet beers by myself.

 

The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'9' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass

figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt, and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts

were on show.

 

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip, when I turn to see her pulling a bar stool up close to me and sitting down.

 

She said ' Hi ', - I said ' Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.

 

'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked. 'Yes' I dumbly replied.

 

'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never

felt this good before.'

 

'Well, as a matter of fact I have,' I corrected her 'You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Rugby Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'

 

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that, and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top.

Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

 

'How do you feel now,' she purred.

 

' OK' I replied.

 

Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'

 

Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I

caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, palmed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, re-gathered and scored a Try right under

the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'till full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and........ '

 

' Arrghhh....' she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed She pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of

soft cotton , and, my god, was she wet !!!!

 

'Well tell me this, Smart Ass' She snapped, ' Have you ever felt such a

c*nt?'

'I certainly have' I answered, . . . . . . 'I missed the kick.'

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Running Nude In The Rain

 

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror,

she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

 

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

 

'I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. He's

got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

 

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the

window!

 

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly

discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon,

so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

 

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as

best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been

watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

 

'Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

 

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

 

Another runner moved along side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes

with you under your arm?'

 

'Oh , yes,' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed

right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

 

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, 'Do you

always wear a condom when you run? '

 

'Nope.........just when it's raining.'

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Eve's side of the story.

 

 

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

 

"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

 

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain."

 

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.........she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced".

 

"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."

 

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

 

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden . "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"

 

"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

 

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see..........where did I put the useless boob?"

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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. They all suffer from a severe stutter.

 

"What's it to be?" asks the stunningly beautiful barmaid.

 

"Thr thr thr thr thr thr three pi pi pi pi pi.................." says the Englishman.

 

Up steps the Irishman. "Threeee p p p pints of of of of gui gui gui gui..... ..........."

 

Then the Scotsman tries."Th th th th thr thr thr thr thr thr thr . ......"

 

"Oh bugger this!" says the beautiful barmaid and walks away to serve someone else. She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are ready to order yet.

 

"Thr thr thr thr thr thr three pi pi pi pi pi", stutters the Englishman.

 

"Three pints of gui gui gui gui........." tries Paddy.

 

And then Scotty starts "Th th th th thr thr thr thr thr thr thr thr."

 

"Look!" says the beautiful lady, who loves a bet; "If any one of you can answer a simple question without stuttering I'll let you make love to me!"

Quite confident that no one will win, she turns to the Englishman.

 

"Where do you live?"

 

"M M M M M M M Man Man Man Man Manch Manch Manch......."

 

"You lose!" says the beautiful lady.

 

Turning to the Scotsman, she asks, "Where do you live, Jock?" - trying not to laugh.

 

"E E E E E Ed Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin….."

 

"Sorry, you lose!" says the gorgeous woman.

 

"And now, Paddy, where do you live?" she purrs at the Irishman.

 

"London!" blurts out the Irishman.

 

"Damn!" says the lady.

 

A great cheer goes up in the pub and she reluctantly takes him by the hand and leads him upstairs.

 

Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear, she takes off her bra exposing her beautiful breasts, finally she slips off her panties and climbs into bed.

 

Paddy, with great concentration, climbs aboard and goes for glory, and, right at the vinegar stroke, he suddenly screams out, "... d... d... d... d... d... derry!!!!

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A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"

 

Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

 

Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

 

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"

 

"Yes."

 

"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"

 

"Yes."

 

"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"

 

"Yes."

 

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

 

Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel.

 

A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"

 

The hooker replies, "$1,500."

 

I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"

 

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."

 

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."

 

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker,

 

"How much for some pussy?"

 

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"

 

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

 

"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."

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An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.

 

Excuse me; I cant seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?

 

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?

 

I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere..

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A woman was depressed in that she had not had a date or any sex for a long time.

 

Afraid she might have something wrong with her, she decided to employ the expertise of a sex therapist.

 

Her GP referred her to a Dr. Wang, a well-known Chinese sex therapist, so off she went.

 

Entering the examination room, Dr. Wang took one look at her and said, "Ok, take off aw your crows, prease."

 

She quickly disrobed and stood naked before him.

 

"Now!" said Dr. Wang "Get down on your knees and craw reery, reery fass away from me to the other side of room."

 

When she had done that, Dr Wang said, "Ok! Now, turn rown and craw reery, reery fass back to me."

 

Once again, she obliged.

 

Dr Wang slowly shook his head. "OK; you probrem reery, reery bad; you got Ed Zachary disease. Worse case I ever see. That why you have no date; that why you have no sex."

 

Confused the woman asked, "What is this Ed Zachary disease?"

 

Dr Wang replied, "It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your arse!"

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An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk....

 

The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

 

The receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

 

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

 

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"

 

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

 

"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"

 

"I can't piss out of it," he replied..

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A man with a gun and wearing a balaclava entered a bank and ordered everyone to hit the deck and not look up.

 

He went up to the teller and ordered him to fill the sack he handed him.

 

Just then a security guard jumped up and tried to wrestle the gun off the robber, in the process pulling off his balaclava.

 

The robber overcame the guard and said to him “now you’ve seen my face I’m gunna have to kill you”. He raised the gun to his head and BANG shot him dead.

 

The robber turned to the teller and said “now you’ve seen my face I’m gunna have to kill you”. He raised the gun to his head and BANG shot him dead.

 

 

 

The robber turned around to the customerswho were all still lying face down on the floor, and said ‘anyone else here see my face……………..”

 

Silence,........... then up near the back, this bloke, still looking away, raised his hand and said, pointing to a woman lying next to him,

 

“I think my wife had a quick peek……………..”

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Paddy was a youthful and hard working Irishman at a coastal village in Ireland. Daily he would pole a heavy old punt out to sea then

 

work a heavy iron grapple to bring up the sand oysters which he sold to the local ice works - he was a man of regular habits he always arrived home each day at a certain time.

 

Sadly Paddy did not realise the heavy grappling was taking a toll on a faulty heart. One day he failed to come home, his wife contacted the Police to investigate him missing, they rowed out and found Paddy dead in the punt beside him a huge grappel full of oysters he'd tried to hoist aboard.

 

 

Headlines next day in the 'Irish Times Newspaper.....................

 

 

 

 

 

OYSTERS KILL PATRICK

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A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.' Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

 

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. 'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'

 

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

 

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'

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A longhaired and slightly effeminate youth was hitchhiking through the Deep South of USA.

 

He got a ride from a mean-looking trucker.

 

After riding about 30 miles in silence, the youth finally said, "Well, aren't you going to ask me?"

 

"Ask you what?" replied the trucker.

 

"If I'm a boy or a girl!" answered the youth.

 

"Don't matter!" replied the trucker, "Gonna fuck ya anyway!"

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After a traumatic delivery, the doctor decides the mother has recovered enough to see her child, but he warns her that the baby is terribly deformed and that she must brace herself for the worst.

 

The woman and the doctor walk down the long white halls of the hospital until they come to a special ward. And there, in an incubator, they see a baby with no arms.

 

"Is this my baby?" wails the woman.

 

"I only wish this were your baby." says the doctor.

 

He leads her down another long corridor.

 

Soon they come to another special care ward, and there they see a tiny baby with no arms or legs whatsoever.

 

"Is-is-is this m-m-my baby?" she stammers.

 

"I only wish this were your baby." replies the doctor gravely.

 

They continue their walk through the endless hospital, before finally coming to the Intensive Intensive Care Unit (IICU).

 

There, in a specialized crib unit, they see just a tiny lump completely covered by its blankets.

 

The doctor gently draws back the blanket to reveal a horrifying sight - one lone human eyeball!

 

"Oh my God! My baby!" cries the young mother.

 

"I'm afraid it gets worse, ma'am. We believe he may be blind."

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A priest takes a walk to the pier near his church and stops to watch a fisherman load his boat.

 

The fisherman asks the priest if he would like to join him fishing for a couple of hours. The priest agrees.

 

The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says, "No."

 

So he baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot Father!"

 

After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and, after a struggle, manages to get it to the boat.

 

FISHERMAN: Whoa, that is one big sonofabitch!

 

PRIEST: Uh, please my friend, can you mind your language?

 

FISHERMAN: (Thinking quickly) I'm sorry Father, but that's what this fish is called - a sonofabitch!

 

PRIEST: Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know that.

 

After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the Bishop.

 

PRIEST: Your Grace, look at this great big sonofabitch I caught!

 

BISHOP: Please, Father, mind your language. This is a house of God.

 

PRIEST: No, you don't understand! That's what this fish is called and I caught it. I caught this great big sonofabitch!

 

BISHOP: Really? You know, I could clean this big sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner.

 

So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and takes it to the Mother Superior at the convent.

 

BISHOP: Mother Superior, could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?

 

MOTHER SUPERIOR: Oh Your Grace, what language!"

 

BISHOP: No, Mother, that's what the fish is called - a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it.

 

MOTHER SUPERIOR: Is that so? Yes, OK, I'll cook the sonofabitch tonight.

 

Well, the Pope just happens to stop by that night and naturally they invite him to dinner.

 

They all say the fish was great and the Pope asks them where they got it.

 

PRIEST: I caught the sonofabitch!

 

BISHOP: I cleaned the sonofabitch!

 

MOTHER SUPERIOR: And I cooked the sonofabitch!

 

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a long steely gaze, then takes off his mitre, leans back and puts his feet up on the table.

 

POPE: You know, you motherfuckers are AOK!

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Old one, but good:

 

A man and his wife have raised three girls, all of them becoming stunningly beautiful and intelligent women. But after the girls have moved out and started their own lives, they couple realizes they miss having children around, so they decide to have another child. Before long, the wife becomes pregnant, and after nine months, has a baby.

 

As the husband sees his newborn son for the first time, he is shocked to discover that his son is quite possibly the ugliest baby he has ever seen, especially after his three gorgeous daughters. In the recovery ward, he presents his concerns to his wife:

 

"Dear, I love you very much, but there's something bothering me: You see, our three daughters are the most beautiful girls on the planet, but our son is completely hideous! I must ask, have you been cheating on me?"

 

The wife smiles and says: "Not this time, dear."

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God, or someother supernatural being, visits Adam in Eve back in the day and says that he will bestow upon them two unique traits. First, one of you will be able to pee standing up. At this point, Adam jumps up and yells out "Oooh, Ooooh, Ooooh, I want that." God then replies, "Fine, Eve, you get multiple orgasms."

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COLOURFUL AUSSIE LANGUAGE

 

I'M SO HUNGRY:

"I could eat the crotch out of a dead leper's undies."

"I could eat the horse and chase the jockey."

"I could eat a shit sandwich, only I don't like bread."

"I could eat the arse out of a rag doll through a cane chair."

"I could eat the arse out of a low flying duck."

 

I'M THIRSTY:

"I'm as dry as a dead dingo's donger."

"I'm as dry as a nun’s nasty."

"I'm dry as a fuck with no foreplay."

"I'm as dry as a pommy’s bath mat."

"I'm as dry as a bull’s bum going up a hill backwards."

"I'm drier than an Arab's fart."

 

I NEED A PEE:

"Gotta drain the dragon."

"My back teeth are floating."

"Need to syphon the python."

"Takin' the kids to the pool."

"I got to take a snakes (hiss)."

"Gotta have a slash."

"Gonna water the horse."

"I'm off to drain the main vein."

"Time to splatter the bladder."

"I need a piss so bad I can taste it."

"Gonna shake hands with the wife's best friend."

 

I NEED TO TAKE A SHIT:

"I gotta go give birth to a politician."

"I'm takin' a stroll to the gravy bowl."

"It will be like giving birth to Kim Beasley."

"Off to the bog to leave an offering."

"Time to snap off a grogan."

"Have to hang a brown bear in the porcelain cave."

"I'm gonna strangle a brownie."

"There's a brown dog barking at the back door."

"I'm going to give birth to your twin."

"Need to choke a brown dog."

"I've freed Nelson Mandela."

"Going for a Rodney."

"Taking out the garbage."

"I gotta back one out."

 

VOMITING:

"Calling for George (Ruth) (Herb)."

"I was driving the porcelain bus this morning."

"I left him a lawn pizza."

"Tossed a tiger on the carpet."

 

INSULTS etc.:

"I hope both your ears turn into arseholes and shit on your shoulders."

"You haven’t enough brains to give yourself a headache!"

"You’re about as useful as tits on a bull."

"You must be the world's only living brain donor."

"You’re a few wanks short of an orgasm."

"She had more pricks than a pub dartboard."

"He had a head on him like a sucked mango."

"May your chooks turn into emus and kick your dunny down."

"You’ve got a few ‘roos loose in the top paddock."

"You’re so stupid you wouldn't know a tramcar was up you 'til the bell rang!"

"You couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery."

"Pull your lip over your head and swallow!"

"You’re as ugly as a hatful of arseholes."

"If I had a dog that looked like you, I'd shave it's arse and make it walk backwards."

"You’ve got a face like a bashed in shit can."

"You couldn't tell your arse from a hole in the ground."

"You couldn't drive a greasy stick up a dog's arse."

"You couldn't organise a fuck in a brothel with a fist full of fifties."

"You’re about as useful as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking competition."

"I'll kick your bum till your nose bleeds!"

"You’re a stubby short of a six pack."

"Seen better heads in a piss trough."

"Seen better legs on a milk stand."

"You're as handy as shit on a stick."

"You’re tighter than a fish's arse …. and that’s watertight!"

"You’re so tight you wouldn't shout if a shark bit you."

"You’ve got a face like a smashed crab."

"You’re as ugly as a bulldog chewing a wasp."

"You could talk a dog off a meat wagon."

"You’re fucked in the head."

"You've got a head like a half-eaten pastie."

"You couldn't go two rounds with a revolving door."

"Mate, she’s as rough as a pigs breakfast."

"Your face is like a twisted ugg boot."

"She's got a face like a cat licking shit off a thistle."

"She's been hit with the fugley stick too many times."

"She's at least two axe handles wide across the arse."

"She has an arse like two pigs fighting in a sugar bag."

"She’s as ugly as a bag of spanners."

"You've got a head like a dropped pie."

"You think your shit doesn't stink, but your farts give you away."

"I just wish your father had settled for a blow job."

"You fell out of the ugly tree, and hit every branch on the way down."

"If I had a head like yours, I'd circumcise it."

"You wouldn't know if someone was up you with an armful of deck chairs until they coughed."

"You’re as thick as two short planks!"

 

COMPLIMENTS:

"Ya blood’s worth bottling!"

"You're True Blue."

"I'd be up her like a rat up a drain pipe."

"A better man never stood in two shoes!"

"She's so beautiful I'd eat a yard of her shit and go crook if it was an inch short!"

 

YES:

"Does a fat dog fart?"

"Even Blind Freddy could see that."

"Is the Pope a Catholic?"

"Does a koala shit in a gum tree and wipe his ass on a cockatoo?"

"Does the Pope tuck his shirt in with a wooden spoon?"

"Bloody oath!"

"No wucking furries."

 

NO:

"Pig's bloody arse!!"

 

ASSORTED:

"Drilling for Vegemite." (Anal sex)

"I'll have a super." (I'll have a full-strength beer)

"Make mine an unleaded." (I'll have a light beer)

"Going off like a frog in a sock." (Try to picture this one)

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And....

GETTING OUT OF HERE

 

Off like a bride's nightie

Off like a bucket of prawns in a heatwave

Off like a Jewish foreskin

Off like a piece of rotten cheese

Off like a robber's dog

I've been seen leaving

Off like Grandma's pants on Father's Day

 

etc....

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And....

GETTING OUT OF HERE

 

Off like a bride's nightie

Off like a bucket of prawns in a heatwave

Off like a Jewish foreskin

Off like a piece of rotten cheese

Off like a robber's dog

I've been seen leaving

Off like Grandma's pants on Father's Day

 

etc....

Off like a virgin's dress on prom night.

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A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas.

 

 

 

When the man told her it would cost $300.00 she exclaimed: "I don't have that kind of money!! But I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!"

 

 

 

The man arched an eyebrow. "Anything?"

 

"Yes, anything," the blonde promised.

 

With that, the man said: "Follow me."

 

 

 

He walked into the next room and ordered, "Come in and close the door." She did.

 

He then said: "Get on your knees." She did.

 

 

 

Then he said: "Take down my zipper." She did.

 

He said: "Go ahead...take it out”.

 

 

 

She took it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands.

 

The man closed his eyes and whispered: "Well... go ahead!"

 

 

 

The blond slowly brought her lips closer, and while holding it close to her lips she said loudly: "HELLO .... MOM???"

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Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....'Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!'

 

Pa replies, 'There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse.'

 

Ma yells back, 'Yes there is, now git out there and fix it.'

 

So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, 'Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! '

 

Ma replies, 'Stick yur head in the hole!'

 

Pa yells back, 'I ain't stickin my head in that hole!'

 

Ma says, 'Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix.'

 

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, 'Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!'

 

Ma hollers back, 'Now take your head out of the hole!'

 

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, 'Ma!

Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!'

 

To which Ma replies, 'Hurt's, don't it ?!'

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A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders,

accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field

trip to Churchill Downs, the famous Louisville race

track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

 

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom,

it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher

and the boys would go with the other.

 

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside

the men's room when one of the boys came out and

told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

 

 

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys

with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up,

one by one, holding onto their privates to direct

the flow away from their clothes.

 

 

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that

he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show

that she was staring, the teacher said,

 

'You must be in the fourth grade.'

 

He replied: 'No, ma'am, I'm riding Silver Arrow

in the 7th race today.'

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Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone

who teaches at Kean Elementary in Wooster, Ohio forwarded

the following letter.

 

The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the

school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady

received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was

writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all

human-kind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift

today.

 

 

Dear Kean Elementary:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent

senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the

Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed

away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that

someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness

to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always

had her own radio, but before I received one, she would

never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The

other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into

a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She

asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my

ass.

Thank you for that opportunity.

 

Sincerely,

Edna

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One day there is this guy sitting on a plane, just minding his own business. There is a free seat next to him which he thinks nothing of. A short while later, this absolutely amazingly hot chick gets on the plane. He cant help but notice her. She walks to the row this gut is in, has a look at the numbers and eventually, floats down into the seat next to him. Now he is all in a state as this amazing chick is next to him. Eventually, he plucks up the courage to ask her "Sorry miss, but I just have to ask, are you travelling for business or pleasure?" "Well" she replies "a bit of both actually. I am going to the international nympho-mainiacs conference in Amsterdam!" WOW!" says this guy. The woman goes on "I need to go there to set some records straight. There is a common misconception that the guys with the longest length on average are the North American black males, but infact, it is actually the North American native Red Indians." Oh, says he. "And every one thinks that the males with the biggest girth are the Germans, but it is actually the South African Indian males" she carries on. Again, the man is a bit baffled by her talking. "And every one thinks that the men with the most staying power are the Hungarians, but, it is actually the South African Afrikaaners" She stops. The man is clearly bewildered by what he has just heard. She then says "sorry, I dont know why I am telling you, I dont even know you, my name is Kath, whats yours?" Quick as a flash the man replies " Running Bear, Running Bear Moodley, but my friends call me Koos"

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1. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

 

2. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

 

3. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

 

4. Bozone(n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

 

5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

 

6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

 

7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

 

8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

 

9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

 

10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

 

11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

 

12. Glibido: All talk and no action.

 

13. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

 

14. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

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A man and his wife go kayaking in Alaska. The wife's kayak flips and she disappears beneath the waves. The next day two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers appear at the man's house in Anchorage.

 

"We're sorry, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," one trooper said. "Tell me! Did you find her", Wilkens shouted. The Troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some Bad News, some Good News, and some really GREAT News. Which do you want to hear first?

 

Fearing the worst, an ashen-faced Wilkens said: "Give me the Bad News first." The Trooper said: "I'm sorry to tell you, Sir, but this Morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay." "Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good >News?"

 

The Trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs, 10 snow crabs, and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her body."

 

Stunned, Wilkens demanded: "If that's the Good News, what's the Great News?" The Trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again Tomorrow."

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A jew goes into a whorehouse and asks the girl for the price

-How much?

-$ 50,00

-Do you do sado-maso?

- Yeah. Do you like to spank or get spanked?

-I like to be the one doing the spanking.

-(worried) Do you beat hard?

-Only until you give me my money back.

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Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.

 

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

 

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

 

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

 

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

 

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

 

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

 

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

 

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

 

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

 

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it . She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

 

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

 

 

 

 

 

BOB's funeral will be on Friday.

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Why Sentence structure is so important...

 

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to

one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible

decision because they were both super workers. Rather than

flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used

the water cooler the next morning.

 

 

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover

after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an

aspirin. The boss approached her and said: 'Debra,

I've never done this before but I have to lay you or

Jack off.'

 

'Could you jack off ?' she said. 'I feel

like shit.'

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STAY!!!

 

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the

 

Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled

 

down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever had fresh air.

 

She was stretched full-out on the back seat

 

and I wanted to impress upon her that she must

 

remain there. I walked to the curb backward,

 

pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,

 

'Now you stay. Do you hear me?'

 

'Stay! Stay!'

 

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'Why don't you just put it in park?'

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