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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

 

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

 

The man went back to his reading.

 

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.

 

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.

 

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.

 

As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

 

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman, 'I couldn't help but notice' he said, that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently.

 

Are you OK?'

 

'I am sorry if I disturbed you,' she replied. 'I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm.'

 

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. 'I have never heard of that condition before' he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?'

 

The woman nodded, 'Black Pepper.'

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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for th

One sunny day in late January 2021, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,

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OK so not exactly in keeping with the recent tone but don't take that as a reason for any of you to stop.

 

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out ofthedealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying thewind blowing through what little hair he had left. 'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-95,pushing the pedal even more.Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the state trooper behind him, bluelights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then120. Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and pulledover to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at hiswatch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If youcan give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll letyougo.' The old gentleman paused. Then said, 'Three years ago, my wife ran off witha Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.' 'Have a good day, Sir,' replied the trooper.

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An Indian tracker is taking some pioneers through the plains in the mid-1800's. Suddenly he stops and points. "Bear have babies." He says.

 

One of the younger pioneers runs up and asks, "How'd you know that!?."

 

"I know these things," replied the Indian.

 

They continue their journey, and a little while later the Indian stops, points, and says, "deer tracks."

 

"How'd you know that!?" asks the young pioneer once again.

 

"I know these things."

 

After another hour of journeying, the Indian jumps of his horse and puts his ear to the ground. "Buffalo come."

 

"How'd you know that!?"

 

"Ear wet."

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Tube of Vaseline..........$3.00

Pack of Condums.........$12.00

2 Gay Porn magazines..$21.00

 

 

 

 

Fooling your parents into thinking your brother is gay........Priceless

 

shit, you can do that for free on SA....

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David the hen

 

 

David came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

 

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are you?', demanded David, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

 

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

 

David was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got to send me back straight away.'

 

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back s a dog or a hen.'

 

David was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

 

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground.

 

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,

 

'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'

 

'It's not so bad', replies David, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'

 

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.'

 

'Never', replies David.

 

'Well just relax and let it happen'.

 

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced! motherhood for the first time.

 

When he laid his second eg , the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

 

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...

 

'David, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've shit the bed !!'

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A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie.

 

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

 

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

 

She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

 

 

 

It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

 

 

Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So they buried Debbie.

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Halloween is Coming

>

>

> A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the

> cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver

> won't stop staring at her.

>

>

> She asks him why he is staring. He replies:

> "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to

> offend you."

>

>

> She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me.

> When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as

> long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear

> just about everything. I'm sure that there's

> nothing you could say or ask that I would find

> offensive."

>

>

> "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun

> kiss me."

>

>

> She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do

> about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you

> must be Catholic."

>

>

> The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes,

> I'm single and Catholic!"

>

>

> "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next

> alley."

>

>

> The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that

> would make a hooker blush.

>

>

> But when they get back on the road, the cab

> driver starts crying.

>

>

> "My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you

> crying?"

>

>

> "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I

> must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish."

>

>

> The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin

> and I'm going to a Halloween party."

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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive. So I took her to a gas station..... and then the fight started....

 

~~~

 

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Milller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that's when the fight started.

 

~~~

 

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too' And then the fight started.....

 

~~~

 

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started.....

 

~~~

 

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's how the fight started.....

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A man is talking a walk with his mother-in-law, and they find a lamp. They both rub it and the genie pops out, and tells them he can only grant one wish. An argument breaks out over who should get the one wish. With no end of the argument in sight, the genie offers a solution to diffuse the situation: He says who ever gets the wish, the other will get double what the first gets. The mother-in-law, seeing the opportunity to make a pretty good gain, insists her son-in-law should get his wish.

 

He thinks for a minute and says: "I want you to give me a million dollars and beat me until I'm half dead."

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A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.

 

"What's the matter?" he was asked.

 

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."

 

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

 

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor.

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Mr. Jacobs, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Arnold, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

 

Miss Arnold gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Jacobs, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced.

 

Unperturbed, Mr. Jacobs called on Miss Jones and asked the same question.

 

Miss Jones, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

 

"Correct," said Mr. Jacobs. "And now, Miss Arnold, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

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It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

 

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"

 

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." he said.

 

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?

 

Again, no response, except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki

 

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

 

She heard a loud whisper: "F*ck the Japs." "Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."

 

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

 

Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

 

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,

 

"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

 

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little sh*t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

 

Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

 

The teacher fainted.

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When the Lord made man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be boss.

 

The brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body, he should be boss. The legs argued that since they took man wherever he wanted to go, they should be boss. The stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested all the food, he should be boss. The eyes said that without them man would be helpless, so they should be boss. Then the asshole applied for the job. The other parts of the body laughed so hard at this that the asshole became mad and closed up.

 

After a few days...

 

The brain went foggy, the legs got wobbly, the stomach got ill, and the eyes got crossed and unable to see. They all conceded and made the asshole boss.

 

This proved that you don't have to be a brain to be boss...

 

Just an Asshole.

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A WOMAN'S POEM

 

Before I lay me down to sleep,

 

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

 

One who's handsome, smart and strong.

 

One who loves to listen long,

 

One who thinks before he speaks,

 

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

 

I pray he's gainfully employed,

 

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

 

Pulls out my chair and opens my door.

 

Massages my back and begs to do more.

 

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,

 

Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'

 

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

 

And always be my very best friend.

 

 

A MAN'S POEM:

 

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with

 

huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,

 

and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This

 

doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

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When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

 

The Russians used a pencil.

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If men ruled the world:

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier…A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.

3. Garbage would take itself out.

4. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

5. The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

6. Instead of "beer-belly," you'd get "beer-biceps."

7. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

8. Two words "Ally McNaked."

9. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine.

As in: Cop:"You know how fast you were going?"

You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."

Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".

10. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

11. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

12. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

13. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

14. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're#1!".

15. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

16. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you."

17. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

18. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night," would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

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A solution to all of your drinking troubles

 

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.

Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.

Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

 

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.

Fault: Glass is empty.

Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

 

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.

Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

 

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.

Fault: Loss of self-control.

Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

 

Symptom: Bar blurred.

Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.

Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

 

Symptom: Bar swaying.

Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.

Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

 

Symptom: Bar moving.

Fault: You are being carried out.

Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

 

Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.

Fault: You have fallen over backwards.

Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

 

Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.

Fault: You have fallen over forwards.

Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.

 

Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.

Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.

Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.

 

Symptom: Everything has gone dim.

Fault: The pub is closing.

Solution: Pan

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You know you're Australian if....

 

You know the meaning of 'girt'

 

You believe that stubbies can either be worn or

drunk

 

You think it is normal to have a Prime Minister

called Kevin

 

You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired

petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse

 

You've made a bong out of your garden hose

rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden

 

When you hear that an American 'roots for his

team'

you wonder how often and with whom

 

You understand that the phrase 'a group of women

wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds

 

You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'

 

You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff'

 

You believe the 'L' in the word ' Australia ' is

optional

 

You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca

Dacca on the way to Maccas'

 

You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation

to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep

 

You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but

someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'

 

You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place

 

You believe is makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin

 

You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'

 

You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread

 

You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis

 

You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says 'cobber'

 

You know that certain words must, by law, be

shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna

See Your Face Again'

 

You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year

 

You still don't get why the 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not spelt with a 'u'

 

You wear ugh boots outside the house

 

You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them

 

Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language

 

You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is alway polite

 

You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasions via your nose

 

You understand that 'you' has a plural and that it's 'youse'

 

You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle

 

Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules of beach cricket

 

You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'

 

You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'

 

When returning home from overseas, you expect to

be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to

sneak in fruit

 

You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to

a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered

 

You understand that all train timetables are

works of fiction

 

When working at a bar, you understand male

customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order

low-alcohol beer

 

You get choked up with emotion by the first

verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the

second

 

You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the

facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.

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You know you're Australian if....

 

You know the meaning of 'girt'

 

You believe that stubbies can either be worn or

drunk

 

You think it is normal to have a Prime Minister

called Kevin

 

You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired

petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse

 

You've made a bong out of your garden hose

rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden

 

When you hear that an American 'roots for his

team'

you wonder how often and with whom

 

You understand that the phrase 'a group of women

wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds

 

You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'

 

You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff'

 

You believe the 'L' in the word ' Australia ' is

optional

 

You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca

Dacca on the way to Maccas'

 

You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation

to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep

 

You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but

someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'

 

You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place

 

You believe is makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin

 

You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'

 

You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread

 

You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis

 

You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says 'cobber'

 

You know that certain words must, by law, be

shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna

See Your Face Again'

 

You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year

 

You still don't get why the 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not spelt with a 'u'

 

You wear ugh boots outside the house

 

You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them

 

Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language

 

You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is alway polite

 

You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasions via your nose

 

You understand that 'you' has a plural and that it's 'youse'

 

You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle

 

Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules of beach cricket

 

You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'

 

You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'

 

When returning home from overseas, you expect to

be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to

sneak in fruit

 

You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to

a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered

 

You understand that all train timetables are

works of fiction

 

When working at a bar, you understand male

customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order

low-alcohol beer

 

You get choked up with emotion by the first

verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the

second

 

You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the

facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.

 

nice!...onya

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this might help some of you

Best Things to say if Caught Sleeping At Your Office Desk...

 

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

 

"This is just a 15 minute power-nap as described in that time management course you sent me."

 

"Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out You probably got here just in time!"

 

"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

 

"I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

 

"I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-related stress."

 

"Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

 

"The coffee machine is broken..."

 

"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

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How They Have Sex

ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.

 

ACTORS do it on cue.

 

ADVERTISERS use the "new, improved" method.

 

AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker.

 

ANSI does it in the standard way

 

ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old.

 

ARCHITECTS have great plans.

 

ARTISTS are exhibitionists.

 

ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over.

 

ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus.

 

ATTORNEYS make better motions.

 

AUDITORS like to examine figures.

 

BABYSITTERS charge by the hour.

 

BAILIFFS always come to order.

 

BAKERS knead it daily.

 

BAND MEMBERS play all night.

 

BANKERS do it with interest - penalty for early withdrawal.

 

BARBERS do it with shear pleasure.

 

BARTENDERS do it on the rocks.

 

BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base.

 

BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often.

 

BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey.

 

BEER BREWERS do it with more hops.

 

BEER DRINKERS get more head.

 

BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds.

 

BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry.

 

BOSSES delegate the task to others.

 

BOWLERS have bigger balls.

 

BRICKLAYERS lay all day.

 

BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber.

 

BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time.

 

BUTCHERS have better meat.

 

CAMPERS do it in a tent.

 

CARPENTERS hammer it harder.

 

CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor.

 

CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm.

 

CHEMISTS like to experiment.

 

CHESS PLAYERS check their mates.

 

CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation.

 

CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically.

 

CLOWNS do it for laughs.

 

COACHES whistle while they work.

 

COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs.

 

COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs.

 

COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can't stop.

 

COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software.

 

CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation.

 

CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it.

 

COPS have bigger guns.

 

COWBOYS handle anything horny.

 

COWGIRLS like to ride bareback.

 

CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls.

 

CREDIT MANAGERS always collect.

 

DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds.

 

DEADHEADS do it with Jerry.

 

DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck.

 

DENTAL HYGIENISTS do it till it hurts.

 

DENTISTS do it in your mouth.

 

DETECTIVES do it under cover.

 

DIETICIANS eat better.

 

DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack.

 

DIVERS do it deeper.

 

DOCTORS do it with patience.

 

DRUGGISTS fill your prescription.

 

DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time.

 

DRY WALLER'S are better bangers.

 

ELECTRICIANS check your shorts.

 

ENGINEERS charge by the hour.

 

EXECUTIVES have large staffs.

 

FARMERS spread it around.

 

FIREMEN are always in heat.

 

FISHERMEN are proud of their rods.

 

FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard.

 

FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush.

 

FURRIERS appreciate good beaver.

 

GARBAGE MEN come once a week.

 

GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses.

 

GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day.

 

GEOLOGISTS are great explorers.

 

GOLFERS do it in 18 holes.

 

GYMNASTS mount and dismount well.

 

HACKERS do it with fewer instructions.

 

HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs.

 

HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency.

 

HANDYMEN like good screws.

 

HEWLETT PACKARD does it with precision.

 

HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer.

 

HUNTERS do it with a bang.

 

INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers.

 

INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house.

 

INVENTORS find a way.

 

JANITORS clean up afterwards.

 

JEWELERS mount real gems.

 

JOGGERS do it on the run.

 

LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper.

 

LAWYERS do it in their briefs.

 

LIBRARIANS do it quietly.

 

LOCKSMITHS can get into anything.

 

LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer.

 

MACHINISTS make the best screws.

 

MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye.

 

MAINTENANCE MEN sweep 'em off their feet.

 

MANAGERS supervise others.

 

MARKETING REPs do it on commission.

 

MILKMEN deliver twice a week.

 

MILLIONAIRES pay to have it done.

 

MINERS sink deeper shafts.

 

MINISTERS do it on Sundays.

 

MISSILE MEN have better thrust.

 

MODELS do it in any position.

 

MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters.

 

MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs.

 

MOVIE STARS do it on film.

 

MUSICIANS do it with rhythm.

 

NONSMOKERS do it without huffing and puffing.

 

NURSES call the shots.

 

OCEANOGRAPHERS do it down under.

 

OPERATORS do it person-to-person.

 

OPTOMETRISTS do it face-to-face.

 

PAINTERS do it with longer strokes.

 

PARAMEDICS PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash.

 

PHYSICISTS do it with uniform harmonic motion.

 

PILOTS keep it up longer.

 

PLUMBERS do it under the sink.

 

POLICEMEN like big busts.

 

POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected.

 

POSTMEN come slower.

 

PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets.

 

PRINTERS reproduce the fastest.

 

PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end.

 

PROFESSORS do it by the book.

 

RACERS like to come in first.

 

RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do it off the wall..

 

RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it.

 

REAL ESTATE PEOPLE know all the prime spots.

 

RECYCLERS use it again.

 

REPAIRMEN can fix anything.

 

REPORTERS do it daily.

 

RESEARCHERS are still looking for it.

 

RETAILERS move their merchandise.

 

ROOFERS do it on top.

 

RUNNERS get into more pants.

 

SAILORS like to be blown.

 

SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues.

 

SCIENTISTS discovered it.

 

SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5.

 

SKYDIVERS are good till the last drop.

 

SOCCER PLAYERS have leather balls.

 

SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists.

 

SPELUNKERS do it underground.

 

SPORTSCASTERS like an instant replay.

 

STEWARDESSES do it in the air.

 

STUDENTS use their heads.

 

SURGEONS are smooth operators.

 

TAILORS make it fit.

 

TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town.

 

TAXIDERMISTS mount anything.

 

TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking.

 

TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals.

 

TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls.

 

TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks.

 

TRUCKERS carry bigger loads.

 

TYPISTS do it in triplicate.

 

VETERINARIANS are pussy lovers.

 

VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS keep it up.

 

WAITRESSES serve it piping hot.

 

WATER SKIERS come down harder.

 

WELDERS have hotter rods.

 

WRESTLERS know the best holds.

 

WRITERS have novel ways.

 

ZOOLOGISTS do it with animal instinct.

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Engineers do it with mass and acceleration

 

 

 

 

(from F=MA, one of the memorized equations you need to graduate, for those who are not of the fraternity)

 

 

Graduate from where??? Kindy??

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Snoring

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

 

'You've got to have a room somewhere,' he pleaded. 'Or just a bed, I don't care where.'

 

'Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy,' admitted the manager, 'and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.'

 

'No problem,' the tired Marine assured him. 'I'll take it.'

 

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. 'How'd you sleep?' asked the manager.

 

'Never better.'

 

The manager was impressed. 'No problem with the other guy snoring, then?'

 

'Nope, I shut him up in no time' said the Marine.

 

'How'd you manage that?' asked the manager.

 

'He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,' the Marine' explained.

 

'I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching

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Something to offend everyone:

 

__________________________________

 

Tasmanian couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out.

 

Husband says ' Oh for fuck's sake stop crying, you're still my sister'

 

__________________________________

 

My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you come back as something else.

 

She said she wanted to come back as a pig.

 

I said, 'You 're not fucking listening'

 

 

_____________________________________________

 

 

Was depressed last night, rang lifeline. Got a call centre in Afghanistan , told them I was suicidal.

 

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

 

__________________________________________ _____

 

I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part where she takes her ring off and

 

walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and fucks off.

 

__________________________________________________

 

Today a black fella was found nailed to a tree, stabbed six times and shot twice.

 

Redfern police said it's the worst case of suicide they had ever seen.

 

___________________________________________________

 

A car bomb was found outside Lakemba mosque today. Police have urged the public not to

 

panic as they have managed to push it inside the mosque.

 

____________________________________________________

 

Woman goes into a shoe shop and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos. She asks what are they made of.

 

The assistant said they we re made from human skin and cost $1500.00 a pair.

 

The woman said she could not afford that. The assistant said says 'Don't worry, we have them in black for $4.99.

 

______________________________________________________

 

Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me, give me drugs'.

 

She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you fucker'. He replied casually,

 

'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said, 'Fuck off it'll be too painful',

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Ultimate phone prank:

 

1. Call the Childline number and say, "I've just pressed redial and this number came up, who is this?"

 

2. Operator replies, "You're through to Childline."

 

3. You shout, "TERRY, YOU LITTLE CUNT, NOT AGAIN....COME HERE YOU LITTLE BASTARD" before hanging up the phone.

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Old Man On moped

 

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and It costs him $500,000.

 

He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

 

The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

 

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?!

 

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.

 

The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

 

"No problem," replies the doctor.

 

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all

right ... but I'll stick with my Moped!"

 

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!

 

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250mph.

 

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes

the moped at 275 mph, WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

 

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!

 

The Ferrari is f lat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My Gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?"

 

The old man whispers, "Unhook ...... my suspenders ....... from your.... side view mirror!

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Engineers do it with mass and acceleration

 

 

 

 

(from F=MA, one of the memorized equations you need to graduate, for those who are not of the fraternity)

 

Engineers do it to defy the laws of thermodynamics.

 

(sex being the only closed thermodynamic system where pressure, volume and temperature all simultaneously increase)

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The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned

in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers

resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's

whisper. ' Hello ? '

 

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

 

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?'

 

The child whispered, ' No .'

 

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?'

' Yes '

 

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '

 

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is

anybody else there?'

 

' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman . '

 

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I

speak with the policeman?'

 

' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.

 

'Busy doing what?'

 

' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.

 

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece

on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

 

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

 

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again,

whispering, the child answered,

 

' The search team just landed a helicopter '

 

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching

for?'

 

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

 

'ME!"

 

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Guide for women

 

He does not have a FAT BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

 

He is not a CRAP DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

 

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

 

He does not SLEEP AROUND - He is HORIZONTALLY OVER-GENEROUS.

 

He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

 

He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

 

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

 

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He is a SWINE EMPATHIZING BIGOT.

 

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

 

He does not STINK - He has HYGIENE AVERSION SYNDROME.

 

He is not a GROPING PERVERT - He suffers from COMPULSIVE HAND MOVEMENT DISORDER.

 

He is not OBSESSED WITH TELEVISED SPORTS - He has AN ATHLETIC TELEVISUAL ADDICTION.

 

He does not IGNORE YOU - He has ATTENTION SPAN DEFICIT DISORDER.

 

He is not a LAZY, MESSY SLOB - He LACKS HAND-VACUUM COORDINATION.

 

He does not tell ENDLESS, BORING, UNFUNNY JOKES - He is HUMORLY OVER-CONFIDENT.

 

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

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Guide for women

 

He does not have a FAT BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

 

He is not a CRAP DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

 

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

 

He does not SLEEP AROUND - He is HORIZONTALLY OVER-GENEROUS.

 

He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

 

He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

 

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

 

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He is a SWINE EMPATHIZING BIGOT.

 

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

 

He does not STINK - He has HYGIENE AVERSION SYNDROME.

 

He is not a GROPING PERVERT - He suffers from COMPULSIVE HAND MOVEMENT DISORDER.

 

He is not OBSESSED WITH TELEVISED SPORTS - He has AN ATHLETIC TELEVISUAL ADDICTION.

 

He does not IGNORE YOU - He has ATTENTION SPAN DEFICIT DISORDER.

 

He is not a LAZY, MESSY SLOB - He LACKS HAND-VACUUM COORDINATION.

 

He does not tell ENDLESS, BORING, UNFUNNY JOKES - He is HUMORLY OVER-CONFIDENT.

 

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

cut... pasted ...emailed internationally - thanks :lol:

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A Teenager is...

 

A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.

 

A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.

 

A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.

 

Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.

 

A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.

 

A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license.

 

A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study.

 

An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.

 

A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.

 

A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.

 

A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert.

 

A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.

 

A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.

 

A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.

 

An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.

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Tell me this doesn't sound like an Anarchist.

 

 

Dear Tina,

 

When you called me so unexpectedly at 6:00 last night, I was expecting a call from my sister and brother-in-law . I tried to explain to you that there were steaks on the grill and I had guests coming for dinner, so I really wasn't in a position to talk to you about a time-share in Vegas. You persisted. I am not the rude type, so I continued to indulge you rather than hanging up the telephone in your ear. I figure that probably happens quite often and you were only doing your job. However, I think we had a real misunderstanding and I'd like to set the record straight here.

 

When I asked you what you were wearing you became very defensive. I am in sales myself and I am required to wear a suit and tie to work every, single day. I simply wanted to make sure you were prepared to make a good first impression.

 

When I asked you what type of panties you were wearing it was because I wanted to make sure I was dealing with a "normal" person and not a pervert.

 

Asking you if you were masturbating when you spoke with customers was my way of checking your professionalism.

 

When you started making claims of sexual harassment, I was flabbergasted. There was really no need to call me names. I was also appalled that you had the audacity to hang up on me! Need I remind you that YOU called me? The least you could have done is to have been grateful that I took the time to speak to you in spite of the fact my steaks were burning.

 

As for the Vegas time-shares, I am very interested. How about you come over to my place, bring a couple of steaks to grill (as you kind of owe me a few steaks anyway), and we can talk more.

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Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation..

 

The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said, 'So why are you here?"

 

The brown Lab replied, 'I'm a pisser. I piss on everything...the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed.'

 

The black Lab said, 'So what is the vet going to do?'

 

'Gonna cut my nuts off,' came the reply from the chocolate Lab. 'They reckon it'll calm me down.

 

The black Lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, 'Why are you here? '

 

The yellow Lab said, 'I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the Hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great bighole in my owner's couch.'

 

'So what are they goi ng to do to you?' the black Lab inquired.

 

'Looks like I'm losing my nuts too', the dejected yellow Lab said. The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked, 'Why are you in here?'

 

'I'm a humper,' the black Lab said. 'I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see.. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away'.

 

The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,'So, nuts off for you too, huh?'

 

The black Lab said... 'No, I'm here to get my nails clipped.'..

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>A woman pregnant with triplets was walking

>down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three

>times in the stomach.. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to

>leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to

>two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

>

> All was fine for 16 years, and then one

>daughter walked into the room in

>tears. 'What's wrong?' asked the mother.

>'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet

came out,' replied the daughter.

>

The mother told her it was okay and

>explained what happened 16 years ago

>About a week later the second daughter

>walked into the room in tears. 'Mom,

>I was taking a tinkle and this bullet !

>came out.' Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what

>happened 16 years ago.

>

>A week later her son walked into the room

>in tears. 'It's okay' said the

>Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking

>a tinkle and a bullet came out.'

>

No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with

>myself and I shot the dog.'

>

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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive. So I took her to a gas station..... and then the fight started....

 

~~~

 

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Milller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that's when the fight started.

 

~~~

 

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too' And then the fight started.....

 

~~~

 

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started.....

 

~~~

 

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's how the fight started.....

 

 

 

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside

the road

and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how

sometimes

you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM

NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are

you?'

 

And then the fight started.....

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In Plymouth there was a large aquarium, it was the pride of the town and had a worldwide reputation. Despite the decline in the fishing industry the tourism from the aquarium had bolstered the economy and prevented the town from slipping into the local recession that had struck many places along the same stretch of coast.

 

There were long halls full of crabs and eels and creatures from the deep of every description. All these long halls converged to a large central tank that contained the centre piece of the entire aquarium. Living within this vast tank were some of the oldest and rarest creatures housed anywhere on earth. There was a dolphin with 3 dorsel fins, a large walrus with tusks in the shape of the last 2 popes, a thin frail porpoise that was said to be 250 years old, and a giant squid that was every colour of the rainbow.

 

It was just last year that a startling thought came to the mayor of the town. He had been on his annual tour to show his appreciation for the aquarium when it dawned on him that there was little or no security overseeing the towns aquatic asset.

 

During a hurried conference with the directors overseeing the facility he demanded that more stringent measures be put in place to safeguard this hub of the tourist industry.

 

The scheme was an all round winner as not only did it provide the much needed security, it also gave the directors a chance to get themselves in the papers yet again. The mayor turned the whole thing into a political publicity coup by ensuring that five local fisherman who had lost their jobs through the fishing decline all became the new security force at the aquarium.

 

And so it was that Bob, Jim, Geoff, Bernard, and Sid all regularly patrolled the empty halls of the aquarium to ensure that no intruders ever made their way in to steal, disturb or damage the livestock.

 

A few weeks into the scheme, the tourists began to complain of small bags and wrappers on the floor and left on the edges of the tanks each day. Fearing any bad publicity, the directors quickly hauled in all five security guards and asked them to be extra vigilant in ensuring no people left any litter behind. The guards said that they would do their best.

 

The problem persisted and so the directors secretly installed security cameras in order to track down the culprits. The first morning that the tapes were viewed quickly established that it was the guards themselves that were the secret litter bugs.

 

In a heated meeting, the directors banned all food being brought onto the premises by any staff and the guards had a weeks wages docked from their pay.

 

Sleeping through the hot summer days and going hungry through the long nights soon began to became a drag. One particularly long night all five guards met near the central tank - hungry, tired, and exhausted.

 

"I need food," whimpered Bob.

"We could always eat the fish," suggested Sidney.

"Don't be stupid," said Geoff.

"Lets all stay calm," said Bernard.

"I've been thinking," said Jim, thoughtfully.

"Haven't we all," responded Geoff, "there's nothing else to do round here but think. I'm all thunk out."

"No, Look," continued Jim. "Here we all are famished, and there's a snack machine just over there."

"Oh, security guards vandalising the snack machine, that'll go down a treat," said Bob, sarcastically.

Jim sighed. "No one need ever know."

"And what about the camera pointing straight at it?" asked Bernard.

"Aha, but there's no camera pointing at the back of it!" announced Jim.

Sidney looked on in despair. "Do you not think that has something to do with the fact that you would have to walk across the water of the main tank in order to reach the back of it? You idiot!"

"And what would we do with the wrappers?" Said Bob nervously. "There's talk of them searching us all soon, every morning!"

Jim smiled a long cunning smile. "As I said, I've been thinking. We can drop the wrappers into the tank itself, no one will ever see them."

Geoff was only half convinced. "There's still the matter of getting across the water without getting completely soaked."

"I've thought of that, watch this..." Jim walked over to the tank and splashed the water while listening.

 

As the others all watched in amazement, the prize animals of the aquarium all swam to the surface and made their way over to the crowd of men. Without even blinking, Jim removed his shoes and socks, rolled up his trousers, and then climbed aboard the walrus with the papal tusks. A difficult journey across the tank then ensued, followed by the even more difficult task of unscrewing the back of a snacks machine whilst astride a large walrus.

 

The pair were soon back safely across and the walrus was rewarded with a Crunchie, which it seem to enjoy. The men all enjoyed a feast of snacks and fizzy drinks and slipped the rubbish into the tank to sink out of view.

 

The next night, Bob said he would perform the ride as it looked like fun. He rippled his hand in the water and all the animals swam over with a look of pining on their faces. Bob chose the triple-finned dolphin and made his way to the machine. He selected a range of snacks for his colleagues and the dolphin chose a Twix.

 

The next night was more of the same with Sidney opting to perform the ride and the multi-coloured giant squid choosing a Snickers ice cream.

 

The following night, Bernard decided to give it a go and took the orders off all his colleagues. He was about to sit on the small frail porpoise when Geoff grabbed him back.

 

"Don't sit on that ancient thing" snapped Geoff.

"What?" asked Bernard.

"He's right" said Jim. "That creature is over 250 years old and very weak, if we were to kill it by riding it, that would ruin the little scheme we have going here. I say we never use this creature, the others are all strong enough anyway."

So Bernard rode across on the walrus and everyone was happy.

 

Several months later, after a set of extraordinary circumstances, David Attenborough was sitting in the offices of the aquarium directors. The directors apologised for disturbing his busy schedule and explained that they had discovered something amazing and he was the only man on earth that might be able to explain the event.

 

They explained at how concerned they had become that the level of outgoing snacks had risen sharply and yet the financial takings from the machines had dropped significantly. They had also noticed that the animals in the central tank had become increasingly tired and their appetites had dropped.

 

They had not connected the two at all at first. However, when they reviewed the footage of the security cameras, they found that nothing out of the ordinary seemed to be happening to any of the machines. Then one of the directors suddenly noticed that during the night something funny seemed to happen near the machine by the central tank. Although nothing seemed to happen to the machine itself, there were signs of large ripples in the water nearby just in view at the corner of the screen. A quick check of that stock record showed that this was the machine that had lost the most stock out of them all.

 

"And this is why we have called you in Mr. Attenborough, the only explanation we have is that the animals in the central tank are actually stealing snacks from the rear of the snacks machine. We even found that they have hidden the rubbish in the bottom of their tank."

 

David Attenborough agreed that it was all very exciting and that he would love to help out in any way he could. The directors said they were planning to open up 24 hours so that people could visit at night and watch the amazing creatures perform their daring raids.

 

Mr. Attenborough wasn't so sure. Too much human attention straight away could frighten the animals and make them stop their nightly snack swims. He suggested that the best idea would be to set up a hidden BBC film crew to film the animals at work. It could be broadcast live across the world and so give the directors the publicity they sought. if the animals slowly got comfortable witha human presence then night opening could follow later.

 

The directors thought this was brilliant. They also decided not to tell the security guards as the idiots would probably get a bit camera hungry and try and hog the limelight. It was thought best to just to leave the guards to wander round as normal, oblivious to the global spotlight suddenly focused on the central tank.

 

And so it was that on the fateful night that over a billion people worldwide tuned in to stare at the grainy night vision camera shots as the world waited to witness the moment the animals would display their dazzling intelligence tricks in order to find food.

 

The directors all sat round a TV with the champagne nearby, all ready to toast the 8th wonder of the world right here in their aquarium in Plymouth.

 

Words like shock, disgust, and outrage don't nearly go far enough in describing what the directors felt when they witnessed the hulking fat form of Bernard slump himself onto the rarest dolphin in existence and proceed to waggle the creature across the water before performing a blatant act of vandalism mixed with insider company theft.

 

David Attenborough was deeply disappointed and annoyed at someone of his age and standing being made to hide in the cold darkness for nothing. The world watching at home found the whole thing to be very funny, but the amusement would only last for one night and it certainly wasn't going to pull the crowds in.

 

The very next morning, all five guards were summoned to hear of their instant dismissal and to explain/plead why the company shouldn't have them all locked up on criminal charges.

 

The guards selected Jim as their spokesman, as he was the most clever, and besides which, he'd got them all into this mess in the first place. The directors took several minutes to calm themselves down before oen of them spoke.

 

"How? just How? how... How could you?" he finally exploded.

"We're all very sorry. Really, we are." Jim hesitantly replied.

"Sorry? you humiliate this company in front of the entire world and you say you're sorry!"

"Yes. We cannot say how sorry we are."

"We hired you to keep the place nice and you just littered it!"

"We're sorry about that."

"So we take away your messy snacks and you go behind our backs..."

"We're sorry about that as well."

"...And, without a care, you steal from this company..."

"And we're very sorry about that."

"And you selfishly drop your grubby litter into the main tank of the aquarium..."

"Ah, yes, we're sorry about that, too."

"...And you intentionally put the animals at risk. Yes! You deliberately gambled the well being of all five of our rarest specimens, all for your own greed. We could have lost all five of our prize collection through your own very stupid and very deliberate actions!"

"Actually sir, that isn't quite true..."

"What?"

"We didn't do it on porpoise."

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Why Men and John Don't Write Advice Columns

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Dear Walter,

 

 

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor girl. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor girl is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant.. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

 

 

Sincerely, Sheila

 

 

 

******************************

 

 

Dear Sheila:

 

 

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.

 

 

Walter

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that has to be longest meandering ramble to get to the dumbest pun/punchline i have ever skimmed over...

 

that's what AP english does to you man.

 

im not sure it has to do with academic anything... actually.

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that has to be longest meandering ramble to get to the dumbest pun/punchline i have ever skimmed over...

 

that's what AP english does to you man.

 

im not sure it has to do with academic anything... actually.

 

what i'm trying to say is that i am so dead bored out of my mind, you look around the web for things that are more intersting than oscar wilde and his flaming personality.

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all I was getting was a blank page. Now I see what it is all about. Did I enter another dimension in space?

 

I got the same page DD. Do they have beer in this dimension of ours?

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beer is ahead just off to the left a little.....

 

 

and now this:

 

A little boy came down to breakfast one day. Since he lived on a

farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.

 

"Not yet," said the little boy.

 

His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does

his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the

chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and

he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

 

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of

dry cereal.

 

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any

milk in my cereal, he asks?

 

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't

get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon,

either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any

milk this morning."

 

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he

kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen.

 

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,

"Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

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Four surgeons are arguing amongst themselves over what type of person is the easiest to operate on.

1st Surgeon: "I think librarians are the easiest. You cut them open and everything is alphabetized."

2nd Surgeon: "I think accountants are the easiest. You cut them open and everything is numbered."

3rd Surgeon: "I think electricians are the easiest. You cut them open and everything is color-coded."

4th Surgeon: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest. They've got no heart, no guts, no brain and the head and ass are interchangeable."

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WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

 

a half-gallon of 2% milk,

a carton of eggs,

a quart of orange juice,

a head of romaine lettuce,

a 2 lb. can of coffee, and

a 1 lb. package of bacon.

 

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

 

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single.

 

I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

 

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?'

 

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'

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Night after night a drunk watched a normal looking guy score with the women. He saw him walk up to them, whisper something in their ear and they would react one of two ways. Most looked shocked while a few others would start to giggle or smile. He would sit down with the gigglers and the guy always left shortly after them. The drunk couldn't stand it any more so he went and asked what the deal was.

 

After much persuasion and asking the guy finally said he had a line that made them react one of the two ways. He whispered in their ear, "Tickle yer ass with a feather?". If they giggled he would sit down and converse before asking them home or go to their place. If they looked shocked, he would quickly say, "I said, particularly nasty weather."

 

The drunk was willing to give it a try. He walked up to a particularly nasty looking woman and said, " Wanna fuck?"

 

She looked shocked and said, "What?."

 

He said, "Think it'll rain?"

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George W. Bush and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad meet in Tehran for peace talks following recent hostilities. As they're sat down, Bush notices three buttons on the side of his chair.

 

He pushes the first one and a boot comes flying out of nowhere kicking him in the shins. The Iranian president falls about laughing.

 

He pushes the second button and a boxing glove comes flying through the air and hits him in the face. Again the Iranian president pisses himself laughing.

 

He pushes the third button tentatively and another boot comes flying out of nowhere and kicks him in the balls. Eyes watering, he falls to the floor while the Iranian president struggles for air as he's laughing so hard.

 

Bush staggers to his feet and announces that he's going to Washington - the Iranian president will be welcome to resume talks in three days.

 

Three days pass and the Iranian president arrives in Washington for the talks.

 

As he sits down in his seat he notices three buttons on the side. Eyeing them suspiciously, he presses the first one.

 

Nothing happens........ Bush starts giggling.

 

He winces as he pushes the second one. Again, nothing.... Bush starts laughing harder.

 

He grimaces as he pushes the third one. Once more, nothing happens..... Bush falls out of his seat laughing.

 

The Iranian president gets up in a huff and announces, "I'm going back to Iran."

 

Gasping for air, Bush replies, "what Iran?"

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CHINESE SICK LEAVE 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!' Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I reallysick Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.' The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. Thatmakes everything better and I go to work. You try that.' Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feelgreat. I be at work soon........You got nice house'

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An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.

 

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

 

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

 

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

 

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."

 

"Ah, yes," said the policeman..."Just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

 

"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."

 

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

 

Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"

 

"No sir...", replied the police officer, "...that is what we call the French Embassy."

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Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

 

Priest: "What have you done my child?"

 

Girl: "I called a man a son of a b#tch."

 

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a b#tch?"

 

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

 

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

 

Girl: "Yes father."

 

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a b#tch."

 

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

 

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)

 

Girl: "Yes father."

 

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a b#tch."

 

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."

 

Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)

 

Girl: "Yes father."

 

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a b#tch."

 

Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."

 

Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)

 

Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"

 

Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a b#tch."

 

Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"

 

Priest: "THAT SON OF A B#TCH!!!"

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10 best out of office email responses:

 

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

 

 

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I were in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

 

 

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

 

 

4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

 

 

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

 

 

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)

 

 

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

 

 

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

 

 

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

 

 

10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of Steve.

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A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window.

 

Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.

 

As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

 

"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatolegical abnormalities."

 

"That's right," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.

 

"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.

 

"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps of breast cancer."

 

"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

 

"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."

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DOG DIARY

 

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

 

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

 

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

 

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

 

12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!

 

1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

 

3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

 

5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

 

7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

 

8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

 

11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

 

 

 

*************************************

 

 

CAT DIARY

 

Day 983 of my captivity.

 

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

 

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

 

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

 

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

 

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

 

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

 

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

 

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

 

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.

 

 

For now….

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A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him.

 

The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate.

 

"Hey, bitch, "says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"

 

The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again:

 

"Goddammit, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up! " Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.

 

Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.

 

"Hey, slut, " says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now! "

 

The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants.

 

The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20, 000 feet.

 

As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls."

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so this sea mollusk walks up to the sea cucumber, well sea cucumbers don't really talk, um.....but in this joke they do...... so anyway the mollusk walks up to the sea cucumber,.......um.......well the mollusk doesn't really walk either?!?!?

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