Jump to content

Recommended Posts

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizonawhenher car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a rideto a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ridewasuneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out aYe-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surroundinghills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local servicestation,yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off. 'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked theservice-station attendant. 'Nothing,' the woman answered. 'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist,and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.' 'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles'

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Replies 7.9k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Posts

I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for th

One sunny day in late January 2021, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,

Posted Images

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.


The thin one leaned over and said, 'Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!'


'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.


The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.


Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.


The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.


'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.














'I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement.'



Link to post
Share on other sites

A man goes to his doctor complaining of terrible headaches. He says, "Doc, I've had these for years, nothing seems to make them go away." The doctor performs a thorough examination and after consulting the relevant literature sits the man down for his diagnosis and says, "There's no easy way to put this, but your headaches are caused by your testicles putting pressure on the base of your spine. Your only option for treatment is surgical castration." The man considers this for a few days and decides the headaches are too terrible to live with. The doctor performs the surgery and sure enough the mans headaches are cured.


Several weeks later, feeling sorry for himself (as one might expect), the man goes to buy a new suit. He asks the tailor for something with a nice pinstripe and the tailor takes one look at him and says, "36 inches at the waist, 30 at the inseam." The man replies, "Yeah, that's really impressive, how did you know that?" The tailor says, "Call it a lucky guess, that jacket in a 44R will do nicely." The man says, amazed, "Exactly, come on you must have some trick." The tailor says, "I've been in the business a long time, try this shirt in a 16-1/2 neck and 34 sleeve." The shirt fit like a dream. The man was absolutely amazed. The tailor then offered the man a new pair of underwear saying, "You wear briefs by the look of you, a 36 will be just your size." The man looks disappointed because the tailor is wrong. "I actually wear a 34." The tailer looks concerned and says, "A 34?!?!? Don't you know that will cause terrible headaches from your balls pushing up against your spine?"


Always get a second opinion.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.' The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.' Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon........You got nice house'

Link to post
Share on other sites

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!"


"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.


"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"


"No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court."


Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!"


Confidently the lawyer responded, "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."


"But I did send them.", replied the man.


"What?" shouted the lawyer.


"I sure did, that's how we won the case... good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiff's business card."

Link to post
Share on other sites

A teacher asks her class if anyone can use the word fascinate in a sentence. Brian raises his hand and says, "The sky is fascinating."


The teacher says, "No that's fascinating."


Jennifer raises her hand and says, "When I saw the tigers at the zoo I was fascinated."


The teacher says, "No that's fascinated."


So finally Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "My mom bought a new blouse with 12 pearl buttons, but her chest's so big she could only fasten eight!"

Link to post
Share on other sites

A boat with a group of travelers from different nationalities anchored off a Polynesian island. Soon the spot became a bee hive of activity. The Germans at once opened a barracks to build up an army. The French opened a restaurant. The Americans a drugstore. The Australians started a race track. Two Scotts were financing it all. A couple of Englishmen were waiting to get introduced.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, 'Daddy, look at this', and stuck out two of her fingers.


Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, 'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,' pretending to eat them.


I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.


I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'


She replied, 'What happened to my boogers?'

Link to post
Share on other sites

A little boy goes to his father and asks, "Daddy, how was I born?"


The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
















"You've got male."

Link to post
Share on other sites



She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.


As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very



My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'


Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.


Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt still around her neck.


A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all



She explained, 'The egg timer's broken

Link to post
Share on other sites

A bit of Australian kulcher for youse:


LOG ON : Adding wood to make the Barbie hotter.

LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the Barbie.

MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the Barbie.

DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute.

HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.

KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys.

WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.

SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.

BYTE: What mozzies do.

MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.

CHIP: A bar snack.

MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.

MODEM: What you did to the lawns.

LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.

SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.

HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.

MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.

MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.

WEB: What spiders make.

WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.

SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go.

CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go.

YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go.

UPGRADE: A steep hill.

SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counterlunch.

USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.

NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.

INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.

NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net.

ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.

OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong

Link to post
Share on other sites

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.


He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"


"The cop asked, "What's he like?"


The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,


"Crown Royal whiskey and women with big boobs."

Link to post
Share on other sites

Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees Sister Rose washing the kitchen

floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground.

As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in.


'SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars 'Have some respect. Arch your back girl and keep

Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!'

Link to post
Share on other sites

A tremendous earthquake strikes Mexico City, and tragically, 2 million Mexicans are killed in the catastrophe.


So the world leaders convene to discuss what kind of aid they will send to Mexico.

The Canadian Prime Minsiter stands and announces that Canada will send $50 million in disaster aid to Mexico.

Next, the Australian Prime Minister takes his turn and states that not only will Australia send $100 million in disaster relief to Mexico, they will also be sending 100,000 tons of food and water to the stricken city.

The President of the European Council takes the floor next, and announces that the European Union will pool their resources and send $150 million, 200,000 tons of food and water, and on top of that, 2,000 soldiers to help maintain order in the city.

Finally, President Bush stands and says that the United States will make the greatest contribution of all. The United States of America will send 2 million Mexicans to replace the ones killed in the quake.

Link to post
Share on other sites

"In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"


The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"


The guy (clearly offended) says, "Hell, yes I am. But let me ask you

something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was



"Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?


"Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?


"Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?"


"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"


The clerk says, "Well, no, I probably wouldn't!"


With deep, self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you

ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish sausage?"


The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

Link to post
Share on other sites

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.


The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.


'He's a funeral director,' she answered.


'Interesting,' the newsman thought.


He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.


She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.


The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.


She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.'

Link to post
Share on other sites

A young man from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.


They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland .


He consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.


Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.


Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and his girlfriend unknowingly got the knickers.


He sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.



Dear Maggie,


I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).


These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.


I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.


I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.


When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.


Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.


I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.


All my love,




P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

Link to post
Share on other sites

An elderly man owned a large farm.


He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he


fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and


peach trees.


One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't


been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket


to bring back some fruit.


As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As


he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his


pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep


end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you




The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked


or make you get out of the pond naked.'


Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Link to post
Share on other sites

A married man goes to confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I had an affair with a woman... almost." "What do you mean almost?" question the priest. "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in," explains the priest. "You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."


The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then decides to leave. The priest quickly runs over to the man and exclaims, "I saw that... you didn't put any money in the poor box!" "Well Father, I rubbed up against it and, like you said, it's the same as putting it in!"

Link to post
Share on other sites

Statement: "I'm a Romantic."

True Meaning: "I'm poor."


Statement: "You're the only girl I've ever cared about."

True Meaning: "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."


Statement: "I really want to get to know you better."

True Meaning: "So I can tell my friends about it."


Statement: "She's kinda cute."

True Meaning: "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the

head might be necessary."


Statement: "I don't know if I like her."

True Meaning: "She won't sleep with me."


Statement: "Was it good for you?"

True Meaning: "I'm insecure about my manhood."


Statement: "I had a wonderful time last night."

True Meaning: "Who are you?"


Statement: "Do you love me?"

True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you might find out."


Statement: "Do you 'really' love me?"

True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you're going to find

out sooner or later."


Statement: "How much do you love me?"

True Meaning: "I've done something really stupid and someone's on

their way to tell you by now."


Statement: "I have something to tell you."

True Meaning: "Get tested."


Statement: "I've been thinking a lot."

True Meaning: "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."


Statement: "I think we should just be friends."

True Meaning: "You're ugly."


Statement: "I've learned a lot from you."

True Meaning: "Next!!!!"


Statement: "I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?" True Meaning: "I gotta turn on my answering machine

Link to post
Share on other sites

Nasty incident in the vegetable patch……….a collision between a caterpillar and a snail.........the only witness was a sloth and when questioned by the gardner stated “I didn’t see much, it all happened so quickly”.

Link to post
Share on other sites

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist'soffice.


The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'


The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'


The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.


When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'


He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.


The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.


The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row.


The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.


Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask.


Just what are you trying to find out?' The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.


She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house.


The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139.


We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.





Link to post
Share on other sites

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.


"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,

"You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."


The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a

lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.


"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.


The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of

keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."


Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".


The third man started searching desperately through his pockets

and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.


St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,

"And just what do those symbolize?"


The man replied, "These are Carols."



And So The Christmas Season Begins...

Link to post
Share on other sites

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his

fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them



What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every

Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor

pantyhose hung sadly empty.


One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went

in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at

Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.


If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse

yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You

re kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable

doll section.


I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as

a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.


Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different

models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do

things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable

Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.


To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.


On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to



My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning

hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose

with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what

remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a

couple of hours.


The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house

and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog

confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some



We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the

family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas



My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the

hell is that?' she asked.


My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'


'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.


I kept my mouth shut.


'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.


'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the

dining room.


But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'


Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one

wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang



My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up t o me

and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was

Jay's friend.


A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not

just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might

be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.


The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who

was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise

like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the

mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran

across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth



My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.


Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Link to post
Share on other sites

A stranger was seated next to a little black girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her coloring book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "Since you are a Negro, do you think that So-called President Elect Barack Obama is qualified for the job?"

And he smiles.


"OK", she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss President Barack Obama... when you don't know shit?"

Link to post
Share on other sites

A guy sitting at an airport bar in Atlanta noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"


Hoping to gain her attention, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta Slogan, "Love to fly, and it shows?"


She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, "Nope, not Delta."


He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?"


She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines off the list.


Next, he tried the United slogan, "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?"


This time the woman savagely turned on him, "What the fuck do you want?"


The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said.... "Ahhh, Air Canada."

Link to post
Share on other sites

The Tiger

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummatetheir marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have aconfessionto make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods."


"Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed withhim."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.


When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and getsomething to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a secondtime.


When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.


"Now what are youdoing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service toget something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one moretime.


When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phoneandstarts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"


"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damnhole."

Link to post
Share on other sites

Dateline New Orleans, LA . 12/19/08



New Orleans Police today reported finding a male body in the Mississippi River. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive narcotics consumption. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a strap-on dildo, and an Obama t-shirt. He also had a cucumber stuffed up his ass.


The police thoughtfully removed the Obama t-shirt to spare the family any unnecessary embarrassment.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then.

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off and falls flat on his face.

'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,






He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.


'Bi'Jesus.... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed.' He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.



The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'

Paddy says, 'I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'



'Mick phoned . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.'

Link to post
Share on other sites

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:




1.. A bible.


2.. A silver dollar.


3.. A bottle of whiskey.


4.. And a Playboy magazine.




"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks






"If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."




The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.




The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.




Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this


month's centerfold.




"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Governor of Texas"

Link to post
Share on other sites

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?".


The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."


The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."


After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"


The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied,

down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"


The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

Link to post
Share on other sites

One day a boy approached his mother with a question. "Mom, how come every night I hear you and daddy fighting and yelling, but when I look in your room you're on top of each other?"


His mother ,very surprised, replies; "Honey you know how fat daddy is, I'm jumping on top of him to help him lose weight".


The boy knows that's not working and tells his mother why...


"Mom that's not going to help, because the lady next door comes by after you leave for work, and blows him back up again!"

Link to post
Share on other sites

The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashier and was down to two final applicants -- one of which would get the job.


The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstate New York. A nice young man, but a bit timid.


Then he called for the second man, "Jim Johnson!" Up stepped a burley young man who seemed quite sure of himself. "He looks like he can take care of any situation," thought the manager, and decided, there and then, to hire him.


He turned to the first applicant and told him he could go and they would let him know.


Turning to Johnson, he said, "Now Jim, I like the way you carry yourself -- that's an important asset for the job as cashier. However, you must be precise. I noticed you did not

fill out the place on the application where we asked your formal education."


Jim looked a little confused so the manager said, "Where did you get your financial education?"


"Oh," replied Jim -- "Yale."


"That's very good ... excellent. You're hired!"


"Now that you're working for us, what do you prefer to be called?"


Jim answered "I don't care... Yim... or Mr. Yonson."

Link to post
Share on other sites

There's a guy and a girl and they want to have sex. So, they go to the girl's house and before entering her room, the girl stops and says, "My little sister sleeps on the bottom bunk of our bed and I do not want her to know what we are doing. So when I say, 'Baloney,' it means push harder, and when I say, 'Pastrami,' it means push softer."


With this, the two get onto the top bunk and start having sex. First, the girl moans, "Baloney! Baloney! Baloney!" Then, she shouts, "Pastrami! Pastrami! Pastrami!" Then, she changes back to, "Baloney! Baloney! Baloney!"


Finally, the girl's sister yells, "Will you guys quit making sandwiches up there? You're getting mayonnaise all over me!"

Link to post
Share on other sites

Funeral For A Farm Wife


An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. >From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.


Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister wanted to ask the old farmer about it.


So, after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."


"And what about the men?" the minister asked.


"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

Link to post
Share on other sites

Subject: Roping a Deer



Actual letter from someone who farms, writes well and tried



I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall,

feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.


The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that,

since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear

of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff

at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away),

it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its

head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.


I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The

cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back.

They were not having any of it.


After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out

a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my

rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around

my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still

just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned

about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step

away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education. The

first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there

looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you

start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED.


The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT

stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could

fight down with a rope and with some dignity.

A deer-- no chance.


That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no

controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my

feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that

having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally



The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many

other animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as

quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took

me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood

flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste

for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end

of that rope.


I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck,

it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no

love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and

I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.


Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had

cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various

large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think

clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some

tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I

didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it

lined back

up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before

hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.


I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my

rope back.


Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years

would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised

when... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold

of my wrist.


Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where

they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head

--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.


The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze

and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was

ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several

minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.


I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that

claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of

my right

arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That

was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.


Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on

their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their

hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an

animal --like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get

away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an

aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back

down a bit so you can escape.


This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery

would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different

strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.


The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a

horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you

in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all,

besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I

turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down,


Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not

immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has

passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you

while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your

head. I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.


So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with

a scope to sort of even the odds.


All these events are true so help me God...



Chuck O'Hearn

Link to post
Share on other sites

An Australian was walking along a country road in New Zealand when he saw a farmer going at it with a sheep. The Aussie yelled, "You know, mate, back home, we shear those!" The New Zealander looked around frantically and said, "I'm not shearing her with no one!"





Mildred was so despondent over the death of her beloved Earl after 68 wonderful years of marriage that she decided to join him.

She found his old pistol and decided to shoot herself in her broken heart.

Not wanting to make a mistake and become a burden to others, she asked her doctor exactly where her heart was.

Her doctor said, "A woman's heart is just below her left breast."

That night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to her knee !

Link to post
Share on other sites

A mother and her very young son were flying Westjet Airlines from Ottawa


to Edmonton. The boy, who had been quietly looking out the window, turned to


his mother and said, 'If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby


cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?'


The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told


her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy walked down the aisle and


asked the attendant, who was extremely busy serving drinks.


She smiled and asked, 'Did your Mom tell you to ask me?'


The boy answered, 'Yes.'


'Well, you go and tell your Mom that there are no


baby airplanes because Westjet always pulls out on time. Have your Mom


explain that to you.'

Link to post
Share on other sites


You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour.



You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk.



You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk.



You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and shoots you.



You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...



You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.



You have two giraffes.

The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.



You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.



You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.




You have two cows.

You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.



You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.




You have two cows.

You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.



You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.



You have two cows.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.

You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.



You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.



You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.



You have two cows.

You worship them.



You have two cows.

Both are mad.



Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

You tell them that you have none.

No-one believes you, so they bomb the sh#t out of you and invade your country.

You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy...



You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.



You have two cows.

The one on the left looks very attractive..

Link to post
Share on other sites

A Texas cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very

attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at

his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, Is your

date running late?


No, he replies, I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was

just testing it.


The intrigued woman says, a state-of-the-art watch? Whats so

special about it?


The cowboy explains, It uses alpha waves to talk to me



The lady says, Whats it telling you now?


Well, it says youre not wearing any panties.


The woman giggles and replies Well it must be broken because I am

wearing panties!


The cowboy smiles , taps his watch and says, Damn things an hour


Link to post
Share on other sites

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters who were all getting married in quick succession.


As the mother was concerned about their first experiences, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words about what transpired.


The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: 'Nescafe'


The mother was puzzled at first...she went to her kitchen and found the Nescafe jar.


It said: 'Good till the last drop'.


Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.


The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: 'Rothmans'


The mother found her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: 'Extra Long. King Size'


She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.


The third girl left for her honeymoon in Auckland , New Zealand . Mom waited for a week - nothing.


Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.


Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words 'Air New Zealand '


Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ.


The ad said: 'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.'


Mum fainted...

Link to post
Share on other sites

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.


One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.


As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? 'You have been with me all through the bad times.


When I got fired, you were there to support me.


When my business failed, you were there.


When I got shot by that robber, you were by my side.


When we lost the house, you stayed right there.


When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?'



'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.




'I think you're bad luck... get the fuck away from me.'

Link to post
Share on other sites

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50-feet behind the first one.


Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.




Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"




"My wife's."




"What happened to her?"




The man replied, "My dog attacked and k illed her."




He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"




The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."




A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.




"May I borrow the dog?"




The man replied, "Get in line."

Link to post
Share on other sites

Ole & Sven


Ole and Sven were fishing on the Michigan opener when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.


'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.


'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'


'Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my Genie.'


'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.


'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.


'Could I see him?'


Ole opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie.


Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'


'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.


So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.


The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.


Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks .... flying directly overhead.


Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'


Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

Link to post
Share on other sites

The pics didn't come out in the copy / paste, but links to original articles included.


This is a genuine letter of complaint sent to Sir Richard Branson. We know that because we checked with Virgin. Polly in the press office confirmed that Branson phoned the man back because "he always likes to hear feedback".


But she wouldn't confirm rumours that the Virgin boss thought this was the funniest letter of complaint he'd ever received.





Dear Mr Branson


REF: Mumbai to Heathrow 7th December 2008


I love the Virgin brand, I really do which is why I continue to use it despite a series of unfortunate incidents over the last few years. This latest incident takes the biscuit.


Ironically, by the end of the flight I would have gladly paid over a thousand rupees for a single biscuit following the culinary journey of hell I was subjected to at thehands of your corporation.


Look at this Richard. Just look at it:




I imagine the same questions are racing through your brilliant mind as were racing through mine on that fateful day. What is this? Why have I been given it? What have I done to deserve this? And, which one is the starter, which one is the desert?


You don’t get to a position like yours Richard with anything less than a generous sprinkling of observational power so I KNOW you will have spotted the tomato next to the two yellow shafts of sponge on the left. Yes, it’s next to the sponge shaft without the green paste. That’s got to be the clue hasn’t it. No sane person would serve a desert with a tomato would they. Well answer me this Richard, what sort of animal would serve a desert with peas in:




I know it looks like a baaji but it’s in custard Richard, custard. It must be the pudding. Well you’ll be fascinated to hear that it wasn't custard. It was a sour gel with a clear oil on top. It’s only redeeming feature was that it managed to be so alien to my palette that it took away the taste of the curry emanating from our miscellaneous central cuboid of beige matter. Perhaps the meal on the left might be the desert after all.


Anyway, this is all irrelevant at the moment. I was raised strictly but neatly by my parents and if they knew I had started desert before the main course, a sponge shaft would be the least of my worries. So lets peel back the tin-foil on the main dish and see what’s on offer.


I’ll try and explain how this felt. Imagine being a twelve year old boy Richard. Now imagine it’s Christmas morning and you’re sat their with your final present to open. It’s a big one, and you know what it is. It’s that Goodmans stereo you picked out the catalogue and wrote to Santa about.


Only you open the present and it’s not in there. It’s your hamster Richard. It’s your hamster in the box and it’s not breathing. That’s how I felt when I peeled back the foil and saw this:




Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking it’s more of that Baaji custard. I admit I thought the same too, but no. It’s mustard Richard. MUSTARD. More mustard than any man could consume in a month. On the left we have a piece of broccoli and some peppers in a brown glue-like oil and on the right the chef had prepared some mashed potato. The potato masher had obviously broken and so it was decided the next best thing would be to pass the potatoes through the digestive tract of a bird.


Once it was regurgitated it was clearly then blended and mixed with a bit of mustard. Everybody likes a bit of mustard Richard.


By now I was actually starting to feel a little hypoglycaemic. I needed a sugar hit. Luckily there was a small cookie provided. It had caught my eye earlier due to it’s baffling presentation:




It appears to be in an evidence bag from the scene of a crime. A CRIME AGAINST BLOODY COOKING. Either that or some sort of back-street underground cookie, purchased off a gun-toting maniac high on his own supply of yeast. You certainly wouldn’t want to be caught carrying one of these through customs. Imagine biting into a piece of brass Richard. That would be softer on the teeth than the specimen above.


I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was relax but obviously I had to sit with that mess in front of me for half an hour. I swear the sponge shafts moved at one point.


Once cleared, I decided to relax with a bit of your world-famous onboard entertainment. I switched it on:




I apologise for the quality of the photo, it’s just it was incredibly hard to capture Boris Johnson’s face through the flickering white lines running up and down the screen. Perhaps it would be better on another channel:




Is that Ray Liotta? A question I found myself asking over and over again throughout the gruelling half-hour I attempted to watch the film like this. After that I switched off. I’d had enough. I was the hungriest I’d been in my adult life and I had a splitting headache from squinting at a crackling screen.


My only option was to simply stare at the seat in front and wait for either food, or sleep. Neither came for an incredibly long time. But when it did it surpassed my wildest expectations:




Yes! It’s another crime-scene cookie. Only this time you dunk it in the white stuff.


Richard…. What is that white stuff? It looked like it was going to be yoghurt. It finally dawned on me what it was after staring at it. It was a mixture between the Baaji custard and the Mustard sauce. It reminded me of my first week at university. I had overheard that you could make a drink by mixing vodka and refreshers. I lied to my new friends and told them I’d done it loads of times. When I attempted to make the drink in a big bowl it formed a cheese Richard, a cheese. That cheese looked a lot like your baaji-mustard.


So that was that Richard. I didn’t eat a bloody thing. My only question is: How can you live like this? I can’t imagine what dinner round your house is like, it must be like something out of a nature documentary.


As I said at the start I love your brand, I really do. It’s just a shame such a simple thing could bring it crashing to it’s knees and begging for sustenance.


Yours Sincererly...




(Hat tip: Ben Lancaster)

Link: http://timesnews.typepad.com/news/2009/01/...------dear.html





Dear Sir/Madam


On April 9, according to the bill I received from Virgin Media dated 11 May, I spoke for 14 minutes to what I can only presume was a member of the opposite sex, employed by cruel swine to talk dirty to lonely idiots. Explicit in your accusation is the further presumption that whilst talking to this woman, I manipulated myself to emission. Or at least tried to.


I find all of this extremely offensive.


I am not a proud man. On the contrary, I am on occasion deeply ashamed of many of the acts I commit on a regular basis, and many of the things which ooze unbidden, unpunished through my mind.


You know in The Information, where Martin Amis describes a couple’s bed as having ‘the towelly smell of marriage’? I always found this rather charming. Awww, I thought, marriage. All comfy and safe and warm and fluffy. Maybe not massively sexy, but still, I always rather fancied the idea that one day my own bed would have a towelly smell of its own. Instead, to my eternal shame, my bed has a bowelly smell. The bowelly smell of desperation. And I’m here to tell you, it isn’t pleasant. My whole room smells like the inside of an acutely irritated bowel, tempered, nay, chastened with the toffee-like tinge of freshly congealed manseed.


Do you see where I’m coming from?


What I’m saying to you is that my life, like my bed, is a fairly unspeakable combination of gastric mayhem and – not to put too fine a point on it – cock-toffee. It wouldn’t be so bad if the self-abuse to which I subtly allude actually brought with it any pleasure, but really, in the cold light of my overflowing navel, it doesn’t. Rarely. Rather, sometime it feels like I’m enslaved to this rather soulless instinct to just hammer out the desire. It’s really unpleasant if you think about it in a dark light, and sometimes, frequently, it makes me feel ashamed.


But the important thing is that deep deep down, I also have some pride mixed in with the shame and there are some things that I would never ever do. One of those things is that I would never ever pay damn fine money to an unscrupulous reptile house of low rent pimps, in order that they might then pay paltry peanuts to a woman who despises me, so that she, in turn, might then spit bald and lazy, vagina-heavy platitudes – or, if you will, twatitudes – into my plump, unlovely ear.


I would never do that. And I’ll tell you why.


For the simple if not sole reason that there now exists a tool which renders such venal pursuits wholly obsolete. That thing, my Virgin Media friends, is the internet. I know you’ve heard of it because you serve it to me by the month – occasionally uninterrupted for an entire month at a time! – for an obscenely inflated sum; a sum which, like a loose-cheeked imbecile pleasuring a dandy highwayman, I pay with nothing more than muffled imprecations.


And I pay it because my life without the internet would be worse than useless. Unlike the TV – which I also rent from you – the internet offers a good deal more than large bald men yelling at yokels, and disabled women parading their broken bodies before weak-willed homosexuals (although the internet has these things too, and in spades). The internet also offers 24-hour free and uncensored footage of everything from able-bodied lesbians French-kissing one another’s anuses, to webcammed conversation with damaged middle-aged women in Asshat, Arkansas, getting wasted with their tops off and oiling their bacon.


More than that however – as if anyone, in an ideal world, would ever really need any more than that – the internet also offers a veritable myriad of opportunities for ordinary consumers to share information.


For example, if I type the number of the sex line I am accused of calling – 09090271146 – into Google, it delivers me, in a chillingly efficient 0.11 of a second to a website called Cable Forum, and more specifically, a discussion entitled ‘Have you been charged for premium calls that you didn’t make?’


This discussion begins with the words ‘I am a Virgin Media customer…’, followed by four pages of anecdote – or evidence – from various Virgin Media customers who have been falsely billed for ringing sex lines. Some of them paid up to £400, and are still fighting to be reimbursed. Evidently then, I am far from the first Virgin Media customer to have fallen foul of this nasty scam.




Therefore, under the circumstances, it really peeves me that I have had to write this letter. I was already on the phone to one of your employees when I was originally informed that I had been panting away on a sex line. I pointed out that I do not use ‘adult services’ over the telephone. Then I asked her what she was wearing. I’m joking of course. Rather, I asked how this might have occurred. What was afoot? I asked. In response, I was treated to an almost amusingly high level of ignorance – especially considering that this scam is already well-known to at least some members of Virgin Media’s customer service department.


So, clearly, it doesn’t take a man in a canoe to figure out some kind of system to deal with this known problem. That’s all I’m saying.


Actually that’s not all I’m saying. I’m also saying that, if you have any claims to being a respectable and law-abiding company and any idea whatsoever about decent customer service, then I would ask you please to deal with the following glaringly obvious problems immediately.


1. Please pay me back the money you have taken from me. Immediately. It’s theft, and I really don’t care for it at all.


2. Also, please reimburse all the other people you’ve taken money from too. God knows how many complaints you’ve received and casually fobbed off. Stop pretending you don’t know what’s going on and play fair. For the sake of common decency. The fact is, whether deliberately, with malice aforethought or merely through sloppiness, you have taken money which doesn’t belong to you and you really ought to give it back.


3. Also, while you’re about it, please offer me a refund for the extended periods of internet outage which occurred last some time month. One of your customer service staff said that if I asked for compensation, I would get it. So I’m asking. Please don’t ask me to call your helpline again. I will implode.


4. Also, please learn to use email. I mean, come on. In this day and age. It’s embarrassing. Anyone would think you’re deliberately making it difficult for disgruntled customers to make you accountable for not doing your job very well.


5. And please show the last two seasons of Six Feet Under on TV Choice On Demand. I choose it. I demand it. And The Wire too. And Dexter.


Thank you.


I would appreciate a prompt and considered response, if not from you, then from your superior.


I will not hesitate to take the matter further if you do not at least have the courtesy to grant me a decent reply. (I will be using the aforementioned internet as the chief tool in my 'taking the matter further'. Please do not cut me off.) (I will implode.)


Yours in keen anticipation of some semblance of humanity,








Now I guess I wait and see.





Link to post
Share on other sites

My grandmother died in the 50s, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store in town, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk.


Her gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13. We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day. She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own

family. 'And always remember this thing,' she said.'Be sure you marry a woman with small hands.'


'How come, Grandma?' I asked her.


She answered in her soft voice. 'Makes your dick look bigger.'


Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

Link to post
Share on other sites

LIQUIDITY defined:


Liquidity is when you look at your retirement funds and wet your pants!!

Link to post
Share on other sites

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.


Crock O. Schitt

Link to post
Share on other sites

Friends of mine really got into bullfighting when living in Spain for a while. They used to go to the bullfights and have dinner at a restaurant near the bull ring after the bullfights.


One day they asked for the specialty of the house and after a while, plates with two great orbs arrived covered in sauce. Looked strange, but was delicious!


Next time they went to the same restaurant after the bullfights, they again asked for the house specialty. This time, two tiny orbs were on the plate. One of my friends looked up at the waiter.


"Sometimes the bull wins." was the waiter's response.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.


"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf." The wolf jumps up and runs away.


Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.


"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf." Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.


About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.


"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.


With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to take a crap!"

Little red riding hood wandering thru the forest & the big bad wolf jumps out & says '' Little Red Riding Hood; I`s gonna rip ya clothes off & gobble you all up'' She replied '' Gobble, Gobble, Gobble; doesn`t any one fuck anymore?

Link to post
Share on other sites



As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."


The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.

She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.


Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"


Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.


At the third red light, the same thing happens again.


All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"


When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.


When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.


He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...


"Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in Pennsylvania and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

Link to post
Share on other sites

New Words for 2009



An excellent phrase for an overweight person.



A deeply unattractive person.



Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.



Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a

project failed, and who was responsible.



A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.



The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.



An office filled with cubicles.



When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

(This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)



Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.



One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.



The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it

to work again.



That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').



A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.



A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.



The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.



A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo!

Aa! Aa! Aa!'.



The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the

toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so

the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.



Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.



Tattoo on a female



A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks

Link to post
Share on other sites

The Blonde and the Emergency Flashers


Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car off the road and over to the shoulder, and carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk. I took out my two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them up at the rear of my car facing the oncoming traffic. They looked so lifelike you wouldn't believe it! They were in pulled-open trench coats and were exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.


To my surprise, cars started slowing down as the drivers gaped at my lifelike men. And, of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy.


It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me. He got out of his car and started walking toward me. I could tell he was not a happy camper! "What's going on here?" he asked angrily.


"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.


"Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"


I couldn't believe that he didn't know! So I had to tell him:

"Hellooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"

Link to post
Share on other sites



A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a

friend over to look at a horse.


His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"


"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."


So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a

male or female horse.


"A female horth."


So he shows him a prized filly.


"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?


So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once



"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?


So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's



"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?


The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks

him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.


"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?


Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his

arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's

fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground


The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth I should rephrase that.. Can I thee her wun awound a


Link to post
Share on other sites

A religious Arab in his mufti was seated next to a New Zealander on a flight from Dubai to Christchurch.


After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Kiwi asked for a rum and coke, which was placed before him.


The air hostess then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink. He replied in , "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."


Shocked to hear that, the Kiwi handed his drink back to the air hostess and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice . . ."

Link to post
Share on other sites

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.


For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.


No further studies are expected

Link to post
Share on other sites

Early morning news!


"late last night, a two-seater light aircraft crashed into a cemetery on the outskirts of Dublin.

Air Accident official's, Police and Fire Crews have been searching for survivors. So far,

they have turned up 76 bodies, with no survivors. The searchg will continue throughout the day"

Link to post
Share on other sites

So a couple wealthy old men are sitting at the bar of the country club. One of the men is raving about his new hearing aid.


" It's incredable... state of the art.... unobtaineum technilogically perfected parts... gold circuitry,

Blah.. blah .. blah. I can now hear everything around me. Molded to a precise fit" and on and on.



His friend, now curious asks, " What kind is it?? "





"about 12:30"

Link to post
Share on other sites

Forgive me if previously posted.


The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you", and take into account the fact that I went out with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct . . . leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."


Link to post
Share on other sites

An old guy in West Palm Beach is doddering through the park when he sees another old fellow on a bench, his face in his hands, sobbing like a child.


Sitting down next to the distraught elderly man, our good samaritan asks what's wrong.


"Well, it's like this. I'm married to a gorgeous thirty year old blonde. She wakes me every day with a blow job, then makes me breakfast. Looks after me beautifully all day, and screws my brains out at every available opportunity." He lapses into sobs again.


"Well, what's wrong with that?"


"I can't remember where I live."

Link to post
Share on other sites

Little Red Riding Hood was walking trough the forest one day, when

she ran into the Three Little Pigs.


"Little Red Riding Hood,beware! The Big Bad Wolf is waiting for

you!" they said. "He's gonna pull up your little red dress, pull

down your little red panties, and ride your little red socks off!"


Little Red Riding Hood nods her head and says, "That's ok." and

continues on her way.


A little while later Smokey the Bear comes up to her and says,

"Little Red Riding Hood, beware! The Big Bad Wolf is waiting for

you! He's gonna pull up your little red dress, pull down your

little red panties, and ride your little red socks off!"


Again she nods her head and says, "I'm not worried." and continues

on her way.


Well she walk on a ways, and soon the Big Bad Wolf jumps out and

says, "Little Red Riding Hood, beware! I've been waiting for you.

Now I'm gonna pull up your little red dress, pull down your little

red panties, and ride your little red socks off!"


Very calmly Little Red Riding Hood goes into her basket and pulls

out a 357 magnum. Points it straight between the wolf's eyes and

says, "No your not! Your gonna pull up my little red dress, pull

down my little red panties, and eat me like the story says!"

Link to post
Share on other sites

A Londoner parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.


As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off. More than a little distraught, the Londoner grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive.


Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: "My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined.


No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!"


After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Londoners are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."


"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" sobs the Porsche owner.


The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you."


The Londoner looks down in horror "FUCKING HELL!" he screams.......


"Where's my Rolex????..."

Link to post
Share on other sites

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank goodness you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.' And the golfer walks off.




'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. 'I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

Link to post
Share on other sites

Take an infinite number of rednecks with shotguns

give them an infinite number of rounds,

an infinite number of road signs

and an infinite length of time,


and they will eventually write the complete works of Shakespeare













in Braille

Link to post
Share on other sites

A fire fighter is working outside the station when he notices a

little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides, a

garden hose coiled in the middle, and wearing a fire fighter's helmet.

Her dog and her cat are pulling the wagon. The fire fighter takes

a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with

admiration. "Thanks," the girl says. The fire fighter notices the girl has

tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to

run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar,

I think you could go faster." The little girl replies thoughtfully,

"You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Link to post
Share on other sites

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise',

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.


Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.


'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband.


He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.


Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.



'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'



The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'

















'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!'

Link to post
Share on other sites