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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for th

One sunny day in late January 2021, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,

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A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous

pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust

cloud towards him.

 

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan

sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell

you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me

a calf?"

 

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his

peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

 

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,

connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on

the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his

location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area

in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

 

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and

exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany

 

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the

image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL

database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his

Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

 

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,

miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says,

"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

 

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

 

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on

amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

 

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly

what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

 

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

 

"You're a Congressman for the U.S Government", says Bud.

 

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

 

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even

though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew,

to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me

you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep.

...

 

Now give me back my dog.....

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Three blondes (natural) died and found themselves standing

before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the

Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.

 

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

 

St. Peter said, "Noooooo, that is Thanksgiving" and he banished her to hell.

 

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."

 

St. Peter said, "Noooooo, that is Christmas" and he banished her to hell.

 

 

The third blonde said, she knows what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."

 

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that

coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with

His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested

him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they

buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ...

 

 

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

 

Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews

roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six

more weeks of basketball.."

 

 

St. Peter fainted.

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Two rich men met again after a number of years. One asked, "So what have you been doing all this time?" "Well, I bought a yacht, a beautiful 80-footer, but on my first trip, it sank. I was lucky to swim to shore." "Oh, no."

"Yes. And then I bought an executive jet, but on its first takeoff, it crashed. I was lucky to crawl to safety." "Oh, man, that's horrible."

"Yes. But then I decided I didn't need more toys, I have a hot young blonde girlfriend, so I decided married her."

"That sounds good."

"Yes, but on our honeymoon, I caught her screwing my chauffeur."

"Oh, no! Was there any good to come out of all this?"

"Yes. From now on, sea, sky or sex -- I'm going to rent!"

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This one is better spoken than written...

 

*****************************

Why does Michael Jackson like twenty-seven year olds?

 

Because there are 20 of them.

*****************************

 

 

 

Getting jacket in 3......2.......1.......

What's black and comes in small white cans?

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This one is better spoken than written...

 

*****************************

Why does Michael Jackson like twenty-seven year olds?

 

Because there are 20 of them.

*****************************

 

 

 

Getting jacket in 3......2.......1.......

What's black and comes in small white cans?

 

What do Micheal Jackson and an Olympic silver medalist have in common?

 

They both come in a little behind.

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Three blondes (natural) died and found themselves standing

before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the

Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.

 

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

 

St. Peter said, "Noooooo, that is Thanksgiving" and he banished her to hell.

 

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."

 

St. Peter said, "Noooooo, that is Christmas" and he banished her to hell.

 

 

The third blonde said, she knows what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."

 

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that

coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with

His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested

him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they

buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ...

 

 

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

 

Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews

roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six

more weeks of basketball.."

 

 

St. Peter fainted.

 

So a Jew walks up to St. Peter in the same situation. St. Peter asks him what is Easter?

 

He responded: Something that you stole from us to represent something that never happened.

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HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A BIRD

 

This Is AMAZING!!!

 

Until now I never fully understood how to tell The difference Between Male and Female Birds. I always thought it had to be determined surgically. Until Now.

 

Below are Two Birds. Study them closely...See If You Can Spot Which of The Two Is The Female.

 

 

It can be done. Even by one with limited bird watching skills.!

 

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HURRICANE SHAZZA

 

Hurricane Shazza hit Corio in the early hours of Monday 17th March

2008. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering 'Faaackinell'.

 

The hurricane devastated the area causing approximately $27.50 worth of damage and $500,000 worth of improvements.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars and panel vans were disturbed. Many shocked locals were abruptly

woken well before their Centrelink cheques arrived.

 

The Corio Times reported that hundreds of residents were dazed, confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something even remotely interesting had happened in Corio.

 

One resident - Tracee-Maree Sharon Britnee-Madonna Smith, a 15-year-old

mother of 5 said 'It was such a shock, my little daughter Chardonnay-Mercedes

came running into my bedroom crying. Fortunately, my youngest two, Joachim and River,

slept through it all but all of their fathers have had to take the week off work to get over the shock.

 

Apparently looting, muggings, burglaries and car crimes were unaffected and carried

on as normal. The Australian Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000

crates of urgently needed Bacardi-Breezers to the area to help the stricken locals. A tent city has sprung up for the homeless and has already achieved property values far in excess of those in the surrounding neighbourhood.

 

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including Health Care cards, jewellery from Kmart, and bone china from Big W. Authorities are conducting a wide search for the owners of a large number of prams located in the carnage.

 

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

 

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate

enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after

- items most needed include: flannelette shirts, tight blue jeans or spandex,

singlets (blue & white), white sport socks, Ugg boots, rubber thongs (preferably matching but still ok if not) and any other

items usually sold in Priceline or The Reject Shop.

 

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required

foodstuffs urgently needed include: microwave meals, baked beans, ice cream,

chips, and fizzy drinks.

 

Donations in multiples of $15.00 only will be taken to buy a packet of Winny Blue 25s and

a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected. An urgent call for ash trays has so far fallen well short of requirements.

 

A call has gone out for hairdressers specialising in mullets to service the needs of the unfortunate victims. Organisers greatly appreciate the generosity of those willing to help the hundreds of survivors but have requested that no more cakes of soap or cans of spray deodorant be donated as they already have 3 of each.

 

**Late Breaking News**

 

Corio Uniting Church has cancelled their local nativity display for Xmas 2009 due

to their inability to find three wise men or a virgin.

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Corio - oh, stuff it, they won't be

able to read it, anyway!

 

 

HURRICANE SHAZZA

 

So Corio is sister city to New Orleans?

Brilliant sportscar! :lol: I did just forward it to someone living in corio, he thought it was funny. Grace Corio is the suburb on the other side of the town i live in, Geelong. The joke explains it all.

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Lost in Nova Scotia.

 

Two American tourists were driving through Nova Scotia.

 

As they were approaching Shubenacadde (shoe-been-aack-id-dee), they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.

 

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

 

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... ver-r-ry slo-o-owly?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The waitress leaned over the counter and said:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Tiiimmmmm Hoorrrrttoooonnns..."

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Misunderstood Canada

 

We are the land of hippo races & spontaneous fire. Us Canadians are an oft misinterpreted bunch. Plenty of people think we cuddle up to polar bears in igloos at night and in 2008, Australia even listed Canada as dangerous to visit. The land down under's travel advisory website suggests Aussies "exercise caution" when traveling to the great, white, avalanche-infested abyss known as Canada. The Australian Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade lists snow, terrorism, ice and forest fires that can burst forth "at any time" as some of our many grave dangers. Chile, Latvia and South Korea are all listed as being safer to visit than Canada.

 

On a different note, foreigners made these queries in anticipation of the Vancouver 2010 Winter Games, and while the answers are sarcastic, the questions are very much real!

 

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (England)

A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

 

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)

A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

 

Q:I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only four thousand miles, take lots of water.

 

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)

A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

 

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (England)

A: When did your last slave die?

 

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

 

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

 

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (England)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

 

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

 

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)

A: No, WE don't stink.

 

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

 

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay nightclubs .

 

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)

A: Only at Thanksgiving.

 

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

 

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)

A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

 

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first. X

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A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

 

 

 

This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 ... on one condition ..."

 

 

 

Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

 

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Clean my house."

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

 

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?'

 

The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

 

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

 

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

 

'You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent.’

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Two Scots, Archie and Jock, were discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding over a couple o' pints. "Och, it's gonna be grand," said Jock. "Everything' s organized already: the flowers, the church, the cards, the reception, the rings, the minister, even my stag night." Archie nodded approval. Jock continued, "I even bought a new kilt fer the wedding." "A kilt?" exclaimed Archie, "That's braw. You'll look purty smart in that! And what's the tartan?" "Och," replied Jock, "She'll probably wear white!"

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An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems...

 

"Dactor, it's me arse. I'd loik ya ta take a look, if ya want". So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here." Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.

 

"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?" "Well fur gadness sake take it out, man!" shrieks the patient.

 

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc... finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

 

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?" The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says "£1,990 exactly." "Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman, "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..."

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A Scottish man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only

a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.

 

Looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted

island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his

two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

 

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus

clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

 

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the

lonely Scot. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... Put his arm

around it.

 

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until

the man took his arm from around the sheep.

 

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together

but there was no more cuddling.

 

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman

the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her

and he slowly nursed her back to health.

 

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their

evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky,

cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of

romance.

 

Pretty soon, the Scot started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought

the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and, realizing he

now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and

whispered in her ear,

 

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

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Jacqueline and her husband Mark went for counseling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem

was, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they

had been married.

 

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an

entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

 

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk

and after asking Jacqueline to stand, unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands on her breasts, and

kissed her passionately as her husband Marc watched with a raised eyebrow.

 

Jacqueline shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

 

The therapist turned to Mark and said, This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?

 

Mark thought for a moment and replied, Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I go sailing.

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Five tips for a woman:

 

1.It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

 

2.It is important that a man makes you laugh.

 

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and who doesn't lie to

you.

 

4.It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

 

5. it is important that these four men don't know each other.

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Security Alerts

 

 

 

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

 

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

 

Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.

 

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the

great fire of 1666.

 

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

 

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

 

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

 

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

 

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

 

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

 

And at a local level...

 

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shut, I hope Austrulia will come end riscue us".

 

In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

 

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate".

 

Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled".

 

There has not been a situation yet that has warranted Australia using the final escalation level...

 

So avagooweegend mates!

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Five tips for a woman:

 

1.It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

 

2.It is important that a man makes you laugh.

 

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and who doesn't lie to

you.

 

4.It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

 

5. it is important that these four men don't know each other.

 

Reminds me of the old Toast:

 

"Here's to our wives, companions and lovers; may they never meet!"

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The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?'

 

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'

 

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

 

Suzy replied, 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and

 

God just takes your hands first.'

 

'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.

 

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'

 

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'

 

Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the other night Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, Oh God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her!!'

 

 

 

The Nun fainted.

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A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. As he gets up to go he asks the barman "How much?"

 

"For you?" the barman relied, "No charge."

 

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. As he gets up to go he asks the barman, a proton, "How much?"

 

"For you?" the barman replied, "No charge."

 

"Are you sure?" asks the neutron.

 

"I'm positive."

 

 

I'll leave at once......

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A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.

He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the

nickels and starts slapping him on the back.

 

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

 

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit

is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, put’s her coffee cup

down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets

up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

 

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants;

takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to

squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel,which

the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, t

he woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the

coffee bar without saying a word...

 

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill

effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her

saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it

was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'No,' the woman replied.

 

I'm with the I.R.S.

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Another old joke, but a classic:

 

The engineer and the manager.

 

A man is travelling in a hot air balloon when he realizes he's lost. So he descends a bit, and spots a man fishing by a river.

 

"Excuse me!" he calls out, "I'm lost and I'm late for an appointment. Can you tell me where I am?"

 

"Certainly," the fisherman calls back, "You are in a hot air balloon, about 50 feet off the ground, between 41 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 75 and 76 degrees west longitude."

 

"You must be an engineer." Says the balloonist.

 

"I am," says the fisherman, "but how did you know?"

 

"Because while everything you have told me is technically correct, it is of no use to anyone. I am still lost and I am even more late for my appointment. Thank you for wasting my time."

 

The fisherman replies: "And you must be a manager."

 

"I am," says the balloonist, "but how did you gues that?"

 

The fisherman says: "You are in a lofty position which you achieved by blowing a lot of hot air. You don't know where you are and have no idea how to get where you want to go. You make promises that you can't keep. You come out of nowhere and expect me to solve your problems for you, and when I come up with a solution it is not the answer you want to hear. You are still in the same predicament you were in before and nothing has changed except that, somehow, it is now my fault!"

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John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

 

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

 

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

 

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

 

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school." "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

 

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen." "I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

 

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

 

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

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A prostitute, who was also a Cricket fan, had a tattoo of Brett Lee and Shane Warne on the inside of her thighs. She says to one of her customers, a regular, "If you can guess who they are, you get a free shag". He looks to the left and then to the right and says "I dunno who those ugly bastards are but the one in the middle with the fat lips and curly hair is Andrew Symonds!”

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A prostitute, who was also a Cricket fan, had a tattoo of Brett Lee and Shane Warne on the inside of her thighs. She says to one of her customers, a regular, "If you can guess who they are, you get a free shag". He looks to the left and then to the right and says "I dunno who those ugly bastards are but the one in the middle with the fat lips and curly hair is Andrew Symonds!"

 

Excellent!!!

:lol:

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This'll test 'em out.....

 

An aboriginal walks into a bar with a seagull on his shoulder. The barman says "Hey where did you get that?" and the seagull replies "At the tip, there's fucking loads of 'em!"

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This'll test 'em out.....

 

An aboriginal walks into a bar with a seagull on his shoulder. The barman says "Hey where did you get that?" and the seagull replies "At the tip, there's fucking loads of 'em!"

 

 

And Jesus said to the assembled Aboriginal multitude...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Don't do anything until I get back :huh:

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A Greek and an Scotsman were sitting in a Starbuck's cafe one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.

 

The Scotsman then replies, 'Well... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'

 

The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.'

 

The Scotsman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'

 

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!'

 

The Scotsman replies, 'Aye ... indeed, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to women.'

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Altar BOY'S CONFESSION

 

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Pepito Garcia?'

 

 

'Yes, Father, it is.'

 

 

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'

Well, Pepito, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Mendez?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Morales?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Cantu?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Patti Perez?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosita De Leon, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

 

 

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

 

 

Pepito walks back to his pew, and his friend Pancho slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

 

 

'Four months vacation and five good leads.

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Ole & Sven

 

Ole and Sven were fishing on the Michigan opener when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

 

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

 

'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'

 

'Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my Genie.'

 

'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.

 

'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.

 

'Could I see him?'

 

Ole opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie.

 

Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'

 

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

 

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.

 

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

 

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks .... flying directly overhead.

 

Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

 

Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

 

same joke insert

 

Guy walks into a bar sits down reaches into his pocket pulls out a little dude about a foot tall. Then reaches into his other pocket and pulls a little tiny piano.....what do you thing I asked for a 12 inch pianist?????????

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The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire Pit Crew yesterday.

 

The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the Australian Government's Work for the Dole Scheme and hire unemployed Aboriginal youths.

 

The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how Aboriginal youths were able to remove a set of car wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds using millions of dollars of hi-tech equipment.

 

This was thought to be an excellent yet bold move by Ferrari Management. As most races are won or lost in the Pits, Ferrari would have an advantage over every other Team. However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for as, during the Aboriginals first practice session, not only were the Crew able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle to the McLaren Team for 6 dozen cans of VB, a carton of Winfield Blue and a quick glimpse of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.

 

Authorities are hence re-evaluating the scheme.

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An enterprising group of Aboriginals have pooled their Rudd $900.00 Stimulus Package bonuses and have started buying up land in outer suburban Bangkok.

 

What a clever bunch of Thai-Coons!

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Forgot your coat Flattie!

 

Yeah mate, only just had time to grab my hat & scarf with that shocker :P

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A guy screetches his car to a stop into the driveway of his house, jumps out of the car, runs to his front door and opens it. He yells upstairs to his wife, "Honey! Pack your bags, I just won the lottery!" Excited, his wife responds, "Oh my god! Should I pack beach stuff, or should I pack mountain stuff?" He yells back, "It doesn't matter, just get the fuck out!"

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Every Sunday, an old man, his middle-aged son, and his two adult grandsons go play ar ound of golf. One week one of the grandsons can't make it, so they go to the course expecting to pick up a fourth. When they get there, the starter tells them the only other single on the course is a beautiful young woman. The three men are there to golf, not watch a woman constantly swing and miss, so they argue with the starter to let them go without her. Unfortunately, it's crowded that day, and the starter insists.

 

After the first hole of golf, the men see that the woman is actually quite a good golfer: a birdy here, and par there. When they get to the 18th green the woman is standing over her 14 foot putt and says, "I've never actually broken par before. If I sink this putt, I'll break par. If any of you three can tell me how to hit this putt, I'll give you a blowjob."

 

The grandson, being the fastest, pushes the elders out of the way, stands over her putt and says, "It's going to break two feet right. Leave it a little short, because it's going to run!"

 

The middle-aged man pushes him out of the way and says, "He's full of s***. Listen, the grass is poorly trimmed, so it's going to push you ball left. Aim right at the cup, and it'll drop!"

 

The old man steps up quietly, and crouches down over the ball. He scratches his chin and says finally, "That's a gimmie."

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do.

 

Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

 

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say, "WHO'S HORNY".....?!!!"

 

And she acts like she's sound asleep.

 

and done........for now

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This'll test 'em out.....

 

An aboriginal walks into a bar with a seagull on his shoulder. The barman says "Hey where did you get that?" and the seagull replies "At the tip, there's fucking loads of 'em!"

 

What's a tip?

 

 

Look around you :lol:

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This'll test 'em out.....

 

An aboriginal walks into a bar with a seagull on his shoulder. The barman says "Hey where did you get that?" and the seagull replies "At the tip, there's fucking loads of 'em!"

 

What's a tip?

 

 

Look around you :lol:

 

Sooooo....the maid hasn't come by Flatbag Towers lately mate??

 

I'll get my coat

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This'll test 'em out.....

 

An aboriginal walks into a bar with a seagull on his shoulder. The barman says "Hey where did you get that?" and the seagull replies "At the tip, there's fucking loads of 'em!"

 

What's a tip?

 

 

Look around you :lol:

 

Sooooo....the maid hasn't come by Flatbag Towers lately mate??

 

I'll get my coat

 

I think it was nice gib at our northern freinds

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This'll test 'em out.....

 

An aboriginal walks into a bar with a seagull on his shoulder. The barman says "Hey where did you get that?" and the seagull replies "At the tip, there's fucking loads of 'em!"

 

What's a tip?

 

 

Look around you :lol:

 

Sooooo....the maid hasn't come by Flatbag Towers lately mate??

 

I'll get my coat

 

I think it was nice gib at our northern freinds

 

Seagulls aren't anyones friend. Bastards...the lot of 'em

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This'll test 'em out.....

 

An aboriginal walks into a bar with a seagull on his shoulder. The barman says "Hey where did you get that?" and the seagull replies "At the tip, there's fucking loads of 'em!"

 

What's a tip?

 

 

this is at the tip

rubbish dump / garbage dump etc

_41215318_seagulls_afp.jpg

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Seagulls aren't anyones friend. Bastards...the lot of 'em

i DON'T KNOW... MY DAD BOUGHT ONE FROM A GUY IN A PUB IN THE WAR, THINKING IT WAS A CHICKEN... MUM SOBERED HIM UP! i BET THE CHICKENS WERE PLEASED!

i'VER HEARD A RUMOUR THAT THEIR SHIT IS RADIOACTIVE AROUND SIZEWELL ATOMIC POWERSTATION AND IS BURNING IT'S WAY THROUGH THE LOCAL CARS. ANY TRUTH IN THIS? tHEY'RE STILL INVISIBLE AT NIGHT.............

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This'll test 'em out.....

 

An aboriginal walks into a bar with a seagull on his shoulder. The barman says "Hey where did you get that?" and the seagull replies "At the tip, there's fucking loads of 'em!"

 

What's a tip?

 

Crikey! Dawg might have to activate that translator yet!

 

The dump Jeff, the rubbish tip.

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Since this seems to be a beat on abo day page here goes.

 

2 Abo kids are riding there bikes along a road and one gets flat tire. A truck comes by and they flag him down and ask for a ride. Sure the driver says I've got aload of bowling balls back there but just throw your bikes in and climb up. Off they go. A few minutes later they are stopped at a police check point. The officer walks around to the back of the truck looks in gets a terrified look on his face. He runs to the front and waves the truck through. One of the other officiers watching this walks over and asks what the hell was in there you look terrified. You wouldn't believe it mate it was truck full of Abo eggs two of them hatched and already stole two bikes!

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it's a cut/paste, but i'll play:

 

Aboriginal, Jew and Australian, drinking beer in an outback pub. One night as they're leaving, a road-train comes through the town and kills all three. The next day, the publican is surprised to see the Australian - who assumed dead - walked through the door. The Australian tells him, "Well, we were all killed, but when we got to the pearly gates, St. Peter said we could come back to earth if we pay him $20." "Well, obviously, you paid up, but what happened to your friends?" "The jew's trying to haggle him down to $10, and the aboriginal is trying to convince him that the government will pay for it."

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WIFE FROM HELL

 

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

 

The driver says,'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

 

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

 

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

 

The wife smiles demurely and says,'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

 

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

 

The officer frowns and says,'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

 

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

 

The wife says,'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on.... You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

 

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

 

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

 

 

 

'Only when he's been drinking.'

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A young girl from Donegal leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London.

 

She comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi wearing a full-length mink coat.

 

Begorrah, Colleen," says her mother. "Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin' an' it looks so expensive.

 

Where did ye get that?"

 

Colleen replies, "Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London?"

 

When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she's back to visit her mom a few months later. This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she's wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring.

 

Same exchange with Mom...same "Won it at bingo!"

 

Colleen returns to the bright lights again. A few months later, she's back. This time she's sporting a beautiful emerald and diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings.

 

She hands her mother 1,000 pounds and explains that she won it all in bingo. Then she asks Mom to run her a

bath as she needs to freshen up.

 

When Colleen gets to the washroom, there's only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub.

 

Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her Mom being so cheap with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs, "Mom! Sure now, didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's only a quarter inch of water in

the tub!"

 

"Indeed there is, me darlin," replies her Mom. "But we don't want ye gettin' yer bingo card wet now, do we?"

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A Mississippi woodpecker and a Texas woodpecker were in Mississippi

arguing about which state had the toughest trees to peck. The

Mississippi woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker can

peck. The Texas woodpecker challenged him and was able to peck a hole in

the tree with no problem. The Mississippi woodpecker was in awe. The

Texas woodpecker then challenged the Mississippi woodpecker to peck a

tree in Texas that no woodpecker had been able to peck successfully.

After flying to Texas, the Mississippi woodpecker successfully pecked

the tree with no problem.

 

The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Texas

woodpecker was able to peck the Mississippi tree and the Mississippi

woodpecker was able to peck the Texas tree when neither one was able to

peck the tree in their own state?

 

After thinking for some time they both came to the same conclusion:

 

Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home

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A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, it being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire week's wages.

 

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

 

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

 

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

 

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

 

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

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A man hears a knock at his door, opens it but doesn't see anyone.

 

He glances down, sees a snail there and being the conscientious gardener he is, tosses the snail across the road, into a field, away from his property.

 

Ten years go by, and one day the man hears a knock at the door, but once again, doesn't find anyone there when he answers.

 

He looks down, sees a snail there.

 

The snail looks up at him, and in a tiny voice demands, - "WHAT'D YA DO THAT FOR?"

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A young aboriginal girl was getting married and her mother said "I'd better have a talk with you before you get married". "Yeah mum, what do you want to talk about?" the young aboriginal girl asks. "Well, on the night you get married, your husband is gonna want to put his most prized possession where you pee." the mother says. The daughter replies "Why the fuck would he want to put his thongs in the sink...?"

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Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

 

All of a sudden, POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life! Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life!! As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!"

 

Then POOF! She was gone!

 

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back "I'm over here in the pussy willows." Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, FRED! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!"

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Jackie was hobbling down an outback track wearing one black thong on his left foot when along came a drover in his truck. Seeing the limping Abo the driver stopped out of genuine concern, wound down the window and called out, "Hey Jackie, did you lose a thong? "Jackie yelled back triumphantly, "No boss, I found one!"

 

(That old chestnut is officially older then Methuselahs grandad!)

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The VP thanked her for her honestly and safe investment practice. The second one comes in and reports that the bank mistakenly sent her $5,000 and she kept it safe and is returning it with the bond interest in the amount of $5,100.

 

Good! Nice one!

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A wee boy goes up to his Dad and asks:

"Dad, what is the difference between theory and reality?"

"Son, go and ask your Mother if she'd sleep with Gordon Brown for £1M"

"Dad, she says she would"

"Son, go and ask your Sister if she'd sleep with Gordon Brown for £2M"

"Dad, she says she would"

"Son, go and ask your Brother if he'd sleep with Gordon Brown for £3M"

"Dad, he says he would"

 

 

"Son, in theory, we're sitting on £6M.

In reality, we're living with two sluts and a fucking faggot"

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Five tips for a woman:

 

1.It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

 

2.It is important that a man makes you laugh.

 

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and who doesn't lie to

you.

 

4.It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

 

5. it is important that these four men don't know each other.

 

Reminds me of the old Toast:

 

"Here's to our wives, companions and lovers; may they never meet!"

 

Funny how that works. It made me think I'd married one with multiple personalities ... NTTIAWWT :P

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Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

 

All of a sudden, POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life! Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life!! As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!"

 

Then POOF! She was gone!

 

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back "I'm over here in the pussy willows." Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, FRED! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!"

 

Golf Clap.

:P

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An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay

of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.

 

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was

feeling worn-out and depressed.

 

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him

about.... "What time of night to be getting home is this?.... Where have

you been?"

 

"Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it"..... And ON and ON and ON.....

 

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and

poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the

bathtub.... Pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged

himself up the stairs.

 

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

 

The wife answered and was told that her husband's client... . James

Wright.... Had been granted a stay of execution after all AND Wright would

not be hanged tonight.

 

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go

upstairs and give him the good news.

 

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her

husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

 

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said..... To which he whirled

around and screamed......

 

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN.... DON'T YOU EVER STOP!

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Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management

technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The

funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.

 

 

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out

over a crystal clear stream.

 

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running

water.

 

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

 

4. No one knows your secret place.

 

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

 

6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a

cascade of serenity.

 

7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face

of the person you are holding underwater.

 

 

There!! See? It really does work. You're smiling already. Feel free to

forward this if you know others who might benefit from this technique.

(Sometimes timing is everything).

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In the interest of equity...

 

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company

Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets

rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors'

choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

 

 

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

 

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years

and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core

or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa

dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach

in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your

revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough

to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell

you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16

in my pants.

 

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you

haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I

can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just

a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into

what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.'

Isn't the human body amazing?

 

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen

quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's

monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the

bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood

swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize

it's a tough time for most women.

 

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just

crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the

reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so

painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I

opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing,

were these

words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

 

Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny

middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing

happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned

above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless

you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything

'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua

and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the

local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end

your life in a blaze of glory.

 

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a

moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say

something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or

'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong',

 

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective

immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have

chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will

certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your

brand of condescending bullsh*t. And that's a promise I will keep.

 

 

Always. . .

 

Best,

Wendi Aarons

Austin , TX

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I'm noticing the coincidence of a full moon and that post from OA....watch out Sydney harbour this weekend I reckon. hehe.

 

New cowboy boots

 

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas

 

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

 

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

 

Margaret looked him over... 'Nope.'

 

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen naked, except for the boots.

 

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

 

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, nothings different! It's hanging down today,it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down tomorrow!'

 

Furious, Bert yelled, '...AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?

 

'Nope,' she replied.

 

'...IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!

 

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,

 

'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. You shoulda bought a hat'

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A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

 

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

 

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the Principal's office.

 

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

 

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

 

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

 

Harry: "9."

 

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

 

Harry: "36."

 

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

 

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade"

 

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

 

The principal and Harry both agreed.

 

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

 

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

 

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

 

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

 

Harry replied: "Pockets."

 

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

 

Harry: "Pants."

 

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

 

Harry: "Coconut."

 

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

 

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

 

The Principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

 

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

 

Harry: "Shake hands."

 

The principal was trembling.

 

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

 

Harry: "Firetruck."

 

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

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GREAT ADVICE! WHAT WE CAN LEARN FROM DOGS.....

 

If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like:

 

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

 

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

 

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

 

When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

 

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

 

Take naps.

 

Stretch before rising.

 

Run, romp, and play daily.

 

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

 

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

 

On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass.

 

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

 

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

 

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout .. Run right back and make friends.

 

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

 

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

 

Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.

 

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

 

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And never trust anyone until you have sniffed their butt.

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GREAT ADVICE! WHAT WE CAN LEARN FROM DOGS.....

 

If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like:

 

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

 

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

 

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

 

When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

 

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

 

Take naps.

 

Stretch before rising.

 

Run, romp, and play daily.

 

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

 

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

 

On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass.

 

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

 

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

 

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout .. Run right back and make friends.

 

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

 

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

 

Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.

 

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

 

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And never trust anyone until you have sniffed their butt.

 

And when you leave your new found BFF to go home, have a crap on their lawn...

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GREAT ADVICE! WHAT WE CAN LEARN FROM DOGS.....

 

If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like:

 

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

 

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

 

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

 

When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

 

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

 

Take naps.

 

Stretch before rising.

 

Run, romp, and play daily.

 

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

 

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

 

On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass.

 

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

 

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

 

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout .. Run right back and make friends.

 

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

 

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

 

Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.

 

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

 

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

 

 

 

And never trust anyone until you have sniffed their butt.

 

And when you leave your new found BFF to go home, have a crap on their lawn...

 

If I could lick my own balls, I would do all of those things and then some!

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A man is playing a round of golf with his buddies. As he is about to make his last putt, he happens to look up and notices a hearse drive by the golf course followed by a long procession of mourners. Immediately, the man hands his putter to his caddy, removes his cap and stands in respectful silence until the funeral procession passes out of sight. Well, his buddies are impressed by this display of respect for the deceased and mention this to him.

 

"Well," the old man says "It seemed proper to show the deceased some respect. After all, we were married for 30 years!"

 

 

---------------------------

 

A man buys a brand new sports car and decides to test it out on the road. He gets on the highway and accelerates to 100mph. Impressed with the performance, he keeps on cruising, windows rolled down, stereo cranked up and just enjoying life. Before long, he is speeding down the highway at 130mph, unaware that a police cruiser has been chasing him for the last few miles. After finally noticing the red and blue in the mirror, he pulls over. The sherriff says:

 

"Listen, pal. I've had a long day. In 15 minutes my shift is over and I don't really want to deal with the paperwork for this ticket. Now I've been a sherriff for over twenty years. If you can give me a reason for going that fast that I haven't heard before, I'll let you off without a ticket."

 

So the man thinks for a second and says "Well, officer, my wife left me last week. The relationship ended on a very bad note, and I was really very glad to be rid of her. I haven't heard from her since she left, and here I thought you'd found her and were trying to bring her back to me."

 

"Have a nice evening," said the sherriff.

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GREAT ADVICE! WHAT WE CAN LEARN FROM DOGS.....

 

If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like:

 

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

 

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

 

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

 

When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

 

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

 

Take naps.

 

Stretch before rising.

 

Run, romp, and play daily.

 

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

 

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

 

On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass.

 

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

 

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

 

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout .. Run right back and make friends.

 

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

 

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

 

Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.

 

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

 

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

 

 

 

And never trust anyone until you have sniffed their butt.

 

And when you leave your new found BFF to go home, have a crap on their lawn...

 

If I could lick my own balls, I would do all of those things and then some!

 

the only reason a dog licks his balls is cause he can't make a fist.

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Anger Management

 

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to

take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out

on someone you don't know. It all started one day when I was sitting at my

desk and remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number

and dialled it.

 

A man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. May

I please speak with Robin Carter?"

 

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that

anyone could be so rude.

 

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had

transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with

her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

 

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an *******!"

and hung up.

 

I wrote his number down with the word '*******' next to it, and put

it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had

a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an *******!" It always

cheered me up.

 

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic '*******'

calling would have to stop.

 

So, I called his number and said: "Hi, this is John Smith from the

Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're interested in the

Caller ID program?"

 

He yelled "NO!" and slammed the phone down.

 

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an

*******!"

 

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking

spot.

 

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had

patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for

the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car

window, so I wrote down his number.

 

A couple of days later, right after calling the first ******* (I had

his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW *******, too.

 

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

 

"Yes, it is."

 

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

 

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the

car's parked right out in front."

 

"What's your name?"

 

"My name is Don Burgemeyer," he said.

 

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

 

"I'm home every evening after five."

 

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

 

"Yes?"

 

"Don, you're an *******."

 

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when

I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of

calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an

idea. I called ******* #1.

 

"Hello."

 

"You're an *******!" (But I didn't hang up.)

 

"Are you still there?" he asked.

 

"Yeah," I said.

 

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

 

"Make me," I screamed back.

 

"Who are you?" he demanded.

 

"My name is Don Burgemeyer."

 

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

 

"I live at 1802 West 34th Street , *******! It's a yellow house, with

my black beemer parked in front."

 

He said, "I'm coming over there right now, Don. And you had better

start saying your prayers."

 

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, *******."

 

Then I called ******* #2.

 

"Hello?" he said.

 

"Hello, *******," I said...again, without hanging up.

 

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are!"

 

"Yeah, you'll what?" I said.

 

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

 

I answered, "Well, *******, here's your chance. I'm coming Over right

now."

 

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived

at 1802 West 34th Street , and that I was on my way home to kill my gay

lover.

 

Then I called Channel 9 News to let them know about the war going

down on West 34th Street I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th

street.

 

There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front

of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew.

 

NOW, I feel better.

 

Anger management really works!

 

!

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And now for a lighter side ;)

 

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written."

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

 

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come.

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

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An old Cheech and Chong joke...

 

 

So this American tourist is in Mexico and he realizes his watch has stopped. He sees a Mexican guy taking a siesta with his donkey standing next to him. He's sitting on the ground with his back against a wall and his sombrero pulled down over his eyes. "Excuse me Senior, could you tell me what time it is?"

 

The Mexican guy raises his head and without getting up he reaches between the legs of his donkey and lifts the donkeys balls up. He holds them in the palm of his hand for a few seconds, then he lowers the donkey's balls and says, "It's three o'clock senior."

 

The American is amazed, "How can you tell what time it is just by holding that donkey's balls?"

 

The Mexican guy raises the donkeys balls again and then points with his other hand, "You see that clock over there senior?"

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A man is walking a tightrope between the 85 floors of two adjacent skyscrapers.

 

Meanwhile, on the 40th floor another guy is getting a blow job from an 85 year old woman with no teeth.

 

What have they got in common?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

They're both thinking "DON'T LOOK DOWN!"

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A Kiwi walks into the bedroom where his wife is laying in bed, carrying a sheep in his arms and says,

"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

 

The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,

"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

 

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The 82-year-old man complained to the doctor about being tired. "How active are you?" He replied, "Well, Doc, Wednesday I picked up a 20-year-old secretary, went to her place, and nailed her three times. Thursday, I picked up a 19-year-old waitress at a diner, took her to Lover's Rock, and made love four times. Friday, I went out with my granddaughter' s 18-year-old college friend and we ended up in the back seat of my car. Saturday, 21-year-old twins lured me into a motel..." The doctor interrupted, "That's astonishing! I hope you took proper precautions. " The geezer replied, "Sure I did! I gave 'em all a phony name!"

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