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A little thought for the first full moon of the year.....

 

Every man knows that there are days when all he has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands! This is a handy guide that should be carried like a driver's license in the wallet of every bloke

 

 

DANGEROUS - What's for dinner?

SAFER - Can I help you with dinner?

SAFEST - Where would you like to go for dinner?

ULTRA SAFE - Here, have some wine.

 

DANGEROUS - Are you wearing that?

SAFER - You sure look good in brown!

SAFEST - WOW! Look at you!

ULTRA SAFE - Here, have some wine

 

DANGEROUS - What are you so worked up about?

SAFER - Could we be overreacting?

SAFEST - Here's my paycheck.

ULTRA SAFE - Here, have some wine

 

 

DANGEROUS - Should you be eating that?

SAFER - You know, there are a lot of apples left.

SAFEST - Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?

ULTRA SAFE - Here, have some wine

 

DANGEROUS - What did you DO all day?

SAFER - I hope you didn't over-do it today.

SAFEST - I've always loved you in that robe!

ULTRA SAFE - Here, have some wine

 

 

13 Things PMS Stands For

 

1. Pass My Shotgun

 

2. Psychotic Mood Shift

 

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

 

4. Puffy Mid-Section

 

5. People Make me Sick

 

6. Provide Me Sweets

 

7. Pardon My Sobbing

 

8. Pimples May Surface

 

9. Pass My Sweatpants

 

10. Pissy Mood Syndrome

 

11. Plainly; Men Suck

 

12. Pack My Stuff

 

and my favorite one:

 

13. Potential Murder Suspect

14. Punish My Spouse

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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for th

One sunny day in late January 2021, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,

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The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

 

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

 

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

 

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

 

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

 

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

 

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

 

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

 

#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

 

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

 

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....

 

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN

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MISSING WIFE

 

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We are sorry sir, but we have some information about your wife", said one of the Mounties.

 

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

 

The Mounties looked at each other, one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

 

Fearing the worst, the husband said "Give me the bad news first."

 

The Mountie said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."

 

"Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

 

The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 6 good-size lobsters clinging to her."

 

Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news???"

 

The Mountie said, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

 

 

:lol::lol::lol: thats aweful! :lol::lol:

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A man was trying to enjoy a drink at the bar but couldn't because two women were arguing loudly beside him. One said, "If a guy sleeps with a bunch of different girls he's a legend, but if a girl sleeps with a bunch of different guys, she's a slut." The man interjected, "If a key opens lots of locks it's a master key, but if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it's a crappy lock." They got mad and left and he got two free beers!

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Chap walks into Specsavers and up to the counter. He stands there for a while, gazing at the wall above and behind the assistant. She asks can she help him with something, whereupon he replies,

 

 

 

"I'll have a fresh cod and chips please."

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Similar to:

 

The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

 

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

 

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

 

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

 

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

 

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

 

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

 

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

 

#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

 

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

 

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....

 

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN

 

 

Top 5 reasons boats are better than women:

 

5. Boats don't expect you to call the day after you use them.

4. A boat will let you drop anchor whereever you want to.

3. Boats don't care if you drink while you are on them.

2. Boats don't mind if you board other boats.

1. You can use tie downs on your boat.

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A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy restaurant. The waiter took the wine to her and said, 'This is from the gentleman seated over there,' indicating the sender.

 

She stared at the wine for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a note back to him.

 

The waiter, lingering nearby for a response, took the note and gave it to the man.

 

It read: 'For me to accept this wine, you need a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.

 

After reading the note, the man composed his own in return, folded it, handed it to the waiter, and had him deliver it to the lady.

 

It read: 'Things aren't always as they appear: I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over $200 million in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off 3 inches....Just send the wine back.....

 

Tiger

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SAD BUT TRUE

 

 

 

 

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

 

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would have been 24 years old now."

 

"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother.

 

"He's a martyr now, though" mum confides.

 

"Oh, so sad dear" says the other.

 

"And this is my second son Kalid. He would have been 21."

 

"Oh, I remember him" says the other happily. "He had such curly hair when he was born."

 

"He's a martyr too" says mum quietly.

 

"Oh, gracious me!" says the other

 

"And this is my third son, my beautiful baby Ahmed. He would have been 18" she whispers.

 

"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically. "I remember when he first started school."

 

"He's a martyr also" says mum with tears in her eyes.

 

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says……………

 

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

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HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE A SECRET REDNECK JEDI

 

If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."

 

If you ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

 

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

 

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

 

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

 

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

 

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

 

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

 

Wookiees are offended by your B.O.

 

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

 

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

 

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.

 

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

 

You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

 

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

 

Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

 

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

 

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

 

You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

 

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

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The Americas Cup had to be postponed due to lack of wind.

 

Apparently the competitors used it all up in the courtroom.

 

TOG

 

Badum-pum

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  • 1 month later...

A WOMAN was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane .

Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney

Along the way. The flight attendant explained that

There would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted

To get off the aircraft the plane would re-board

In 50 minutes.

 

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was

Blind. A man had noticed her as he walked by and

Could tell the lady was blind because her Guide

Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her

Throughout the entire flight.

 

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before

Because the pilot approached her, and calling her by

Name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost

An hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?'

The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would

Like to stretch his legs.'

 

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill

When they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane

With a Guide dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.

 

People scattered.

 

They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change

airlines!

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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

 

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

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A US first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are American too.

 

Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.

 

 

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.. "Because I am not an American."

 

 

"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?".

 

 

"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.

 

 

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.

 

 

"Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too.

 

 

The teacher is now really angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a crappy hockey player, and your dad was a crappy hockey player? Would that mean that you're a crappy hockey player too?"

 

 

 

A pause, and a smile. Then, says Kristen, "Nope! That'd mean I'm an American!"

 

 

All in fun my friends. :)

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You gotta love the punch line.

 

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

 

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

 

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no

full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money

gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

 

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a

demonstration?'

 

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

 

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

 

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

 

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

 

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my

other eye.'

 

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

 

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

 

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with

Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

 

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand

dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that

wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

 

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and

decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he

agrees again.

 

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains

mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side,

so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

 

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss

into a huge win.

 

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

 

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

 

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd

been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he

could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about

it!'

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E0y-Qjjd-1U

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A precious little girl walks into a petsmart shop and asks,

in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me,

mithter, do you keep wittow wabbits?"

 

 

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that

he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a wittow white wabbit,

or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute wittow

bwown wabbit over there?"

 

 

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her

hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,

"I don't think my python weawwy givth a thit."

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It hardly qualifies as classic literature but found this in my travels around the interweb recently:

 

Eating out and chowing down,

Only tonight I'm not on the town.

Tonight I've been served a seafood dish,

Well it smells and tastes a lot like fish.

The time has come to ignore my fears,

As she drags me down there by my ears,

I feast upon her hot hairy pie,

While thick black pubes jab me in the eye,

She lies back and then softly sighs,

When all I can think of is scampi & fries.

Don't lick too low, move up a bit,

Got to be careful or I'll be in the shit,

Nibble, lick, caress and stroke,

The things blokes do just for a poke.

Up and down and right a bit,

Where the hell does she keep her clit?

I'll never find it in here like this,

When a fanny's designed just to take a piss.

To find my way around her twat,

I'll need a torch or a miners hat.

I feel like my tongue is failing me,

Oh shit, I hope she doesn't pee.

I feel like I've been licking for years,

I wish I could breathe through both my ears,

I hope to fuck that she comes quick,

I can feel my neck developing a crick.

I'm starting to sweat like I've got a fever,

Under the covers, eating this beaver,

I must have hit the right spot at last,

Cos' her screams are gaining volume real fast,

Her thighs clamp down tight around my head,

Her screams scare the neighbours out of their bed,

She's coming at last and making a racket,

Her thighs crushing my head like an empty fag packet.

I'm choking and spluttering but she doesn't care,

That my mouth's full of matted, fish flavoured hair.

And my face is all smothered in fanny batter,

And juices that taste like a seafood platter.

But she thinks it's funny and starts taking the piss,

But she soon stops her laughing when I move in for a kiss.

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SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT

 

Oxford University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet

known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one

neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant

deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

 

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are

surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be

detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into

contact.

 

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally

take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay,

but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the

assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

 

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since

each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming

isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists

to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical

concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical

morass. When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium

(symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as

Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.

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Guy walks into bank. Sweet older lady asks if she can help him. He replies"I want to open a f@cking bank account."She asks "what did you say?"He says "I want to open a f@cking bank account."She chides "Sir, if you do not watch your language, I shall have to get my manager."He snorts "go get your f@cking manager." The manager arrives and inquires as to whether there is a problem.The customer says "I want to open a f@cking account with $500,000."The manager says "was this c#nt giving you a hard time?"

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> A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.

>

> Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....

>

> +Tourist:$5.00

>

> +Broiled Missionary:$10.00

>

> +Fried Explorer: $15.00

>

> +Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican with 2 sides: $100.00

>

> The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the Politicians?"

>

> The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."

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A grandfather took his grandson out shopping. The boy

wandered off.

The boy approached a uniformed security guard and said,

"I've lost my grandpa!"

The guard asked, "What's his name?"

"Grandpa"

The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?"

The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Jack Daniels whiskey, and women with big tits."

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After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

 

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

 

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today..'

 

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..

 

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.

 

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 klicks.

 

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

 

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

 

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

 

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

 

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

 

Chief: ' A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

 

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

 

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

 

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

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  • 5 weeks later...

 

 

 

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

 

"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

 

 

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother.

We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

 

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your

day of recreation was not relaxing?"

 

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

 

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, "You must tell me all about it!"

 

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother --

540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green. I hit the

drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made...and

it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight!"

 

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

 

"No, that wasn't it," admitted the sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

 

"Oh, that would've even made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "I was so proud of myself!

And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, a hawk

swoops out of the sky, grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball

still clutched in his paws!"

 

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

 

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, "because as the hawk

started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the

hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of

his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

 

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... "You missed the fuckin' putt, didn't you?"

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I was at my bank today; there was a short line.

 

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to

exchange yen for dollars.

 

It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller,

 

"Why it change? Yesterday,I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

 

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

 

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

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A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.

He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

'No,' the woman replied ... I'm with Revenue Canada .'

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A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.

He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

'No,' the woman replied ... I'm a divorce lawyer."I'm with Revenue Canada .'

 

there ---- fixed it for you.

 

WWing

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An Easily Understandable Explanation of Derivative Markets:

 

Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit. She realizes that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronize her bar. To solve this problem, she comes up with new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later.

 

She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).

 

Word gets around about Heidi's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Detroit.

 

By providing her customers' freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages. Consequently, Heidi's gross sales volume increases massively.

 

A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognizes that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral.

 

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities are then bundled and traded on international security markets. Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as AAA secured bonds are really the debts of unemployed alcoholics.

 

Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb, and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.

 

One day, even though the bond prices are still climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar. He so informs Heidi.

 

Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back their drinking debts. Since, Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and the eleven employees lose their jobs.

 

Overnight, DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS drop in price by 90%. The collapsed bond asset value destroys the banks liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.

 

The suppliers of Heidi's bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the various BOND securities. They find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds. Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.

 

Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multi-billion dollar no-strings attached cash infusion from the Government. The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, non-drinkers.

 

Does this help to clarify?

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Her Diary:

 

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet

at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I

thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no

comment on it.

 

 

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so

we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was

wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was

upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not

to worry about it.

 

 

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept

driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I

love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely,

as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly,

and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

 

 

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15

minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress,

and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts

were somewhere else. He fell asleep -I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm

almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

 

 

 

His Diary:

 

I found a crack in my Melges 24 rudder this morning, but at least I got laid.

 

 

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A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. . . . .

 

Doctor: "What happened?"

 

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp...."

 

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle".

 

2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and she looks reborn and fresh again.

 

Woman:" Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me.

 

Doctor:" you see how keeping your mouth shut helps!!!"

 

 

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Hung Chow calls into work and says,

 

"Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

 

The boss John says,

 

"You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex.

 

That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

 

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.

 

"I do what You say and I feel Great. I be at work soon........

 

Oh, and by way, you got vewy nice house......"

 

 

 

 

Ok, thats it for now.

 

dubz

 

 

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Kim Jong Il and Vladimir Putin are having a summit meeting in Moscow. During a break, they’re bored, and they decide to take a bet to see whose bodyguards are more loyal.

 

Putin is on the 20th floor and calls on his bodyguard Ivan, opens the window, and says: “Ivan, jump!”

Sobbing, Ivan says: “Mr. President, how can you ask me to do that? I have a wife and child waiting for me at home...”

 

Putin sheds a tear himself, apologizes to Ivan, and sends him away.

 

Next, it’s Kim Jong Il's turn. He calls his bodyguard Lee Myung Man and yells: “Lee Myung Man, jump!” Not hesitating for a split second, Lee Myung Man is just about to jump out the window. Putin hugs Lee Myung Man to prevent him from jumping and says: “Are you out of your mind? If you jump out this window, you’ll die! This is the 20th floor!” Nevertheless, Lee Myung Man is still struggling, trying to escape Putin’s embrace and jump out the window: “President Putin, please let me go! I have a wife and child at home!”

 

There's a bunch more complied from North Korean defectors - http://www.rfa.org/english/news/korea/koreanjokes-09102008183510.html

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Why is the sex speed limit 68?

Because if you go 69 you flip over and eat it.

How are girls like squaring numbers?

If they're under 13, you just do them in your head.

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DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

 

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making

love to a very attractive young woman.

 

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How

dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children!

I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

 

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can

tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the

last words you'll say to me!'

 

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home,

and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out

and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

 

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She

told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

 

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I

made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid

you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

 

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was

doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw

them away.

 

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have

had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

 

I also gave her t he underwear that was your anniversary present, which

you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

 

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't

wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the

expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the

same.'

 

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for

my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to

me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else

that your wife doesn't use?' :unsure::huh::P

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Flatbag's Guide to Life: :D

 

1. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

2. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

3. The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

4. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

5. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

6. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

7. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

8. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

10. Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

11. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

12. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

13. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

14. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

15. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

16. Two wrongs are only the beginning.

17. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

18. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

19. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

20. Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

21. Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.

22. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

some of these look sorta familiar...but still worth seeing again

 

cheers,

 

-----------------------------------

 

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch & you'll have to pee.

 

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

 

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

 

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal & someone always answers.

 

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

 

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

 

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

 

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

 

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

 

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

 

11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet & who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies & stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

 

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

 

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

 

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet or rug.

 

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

 

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

 

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

 

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

 

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

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A baby seal waddles into a pub and the bartender asks, "What'll you have?" and the seal says, "Whiskey."

 

The bartender asks "What sort?"

 

The seal says "Anything but Canadian Club..."

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some of these look sorta familiar...but still worth seeing again

 

cheers,

 

-----------------------------------

 

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch & you'll have to pee.

 

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

 

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

 

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal & someone always answers.

 

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

 

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

 

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

 

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

 

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

 

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

 

11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet & who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies & stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

 

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

 

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

 

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet or rug.

 

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

 

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

 

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

 

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

 

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

 

20) The law of telecom thermo-dynamics.

 

At the instant a plate bearing hot food contacts the surface of a dining table, the telephone will ring :angry:

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Was this posted before?

 

My buddy Brad told me he was having a hot affair with a pair of twins!

I asked him, "How do you tell them apart?"

So he told me, "Jennifer has long blonde hair and Jeff has a moustache"

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A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.

 

"I'll make you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.".

 

The crowd murmured their approval.

 

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

 

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

 

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".

 

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

 

A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

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some of these look sorta familiar...but still worth seeing again

 

cheers,

 

-----------------------------------

 

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch & you'll have to pee.

 

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

 

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

 

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal & someone always answers.

 

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

 

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

 

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

 

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

 

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

 

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

 

11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet & who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies & stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

 

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

 

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

 

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet or rug.

 

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

 

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

 

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

 

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

 

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

 

20) The law of telecom thermo-dynamics.

 

At the instant a plate bearing hot food contacts the surface of a dining table, the telephone will ring :angry:

 

Sailing Law of Relativity.

 

The wind speed will increase in direct relation to the speed of your hand trying to save your hat.

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The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

 

 

 

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

 

P. Niss

 

The Response

 

Dear P. Niss:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the

Correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace

carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

 

Sincerely,

 

V. Gina

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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

He Said To Me!

 

 

 

He said to me . ... . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

I said to him .... . . You wear pants don't you?

 

 

 

 

 

He said to me ... . ......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

I said .. That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and fart

 

 

 

 

He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

 

 

 

 

He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?

I said to him ... . They don't have time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

I said to him .. .. I don't know; it has never happened.

 

 

 

 

 

 

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?

I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

 

 

 

 

He said..What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

I said. . . A widow.

 

 

 

 

He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?

I said to him .. . .. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.

Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

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1.

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.

 

2.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

 

3.

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

 

4.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

 

5.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

 

6.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

 

7.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

 

8.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

 

9.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

 

10.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

 

11.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 

12.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

 

13.

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

 

14.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

 

15.

The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

 

16.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

 

17.

A backward poet writes inverse.

 

18.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count

that votes.

 

19.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

 

20.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .

 

21.

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

 

22.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

 

23.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

 

24.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

 

25.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

 

26.

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

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1.

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.

 

2.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

 

3.

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

 

4.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

 

5.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

 

6.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

 

7.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

 

8.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

 

9.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

 

10.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

 

11.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 

12.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

 

13.

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

 

14.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

 

15.

The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

 

16.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

 

17.

A backward poet writes inverse.

 

18.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count

that votes.

 

19.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

 

20.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .

 

21.

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

 

22.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

 

23.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

 

24.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

 

25.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

 

26.

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

 

 

Groan...... :D

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1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

 

2nd woman: Hi! Lakeisha. How'd you die?

 

1st woman: I froze to death.

 

2nd woman: How horrible!

 

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

 

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

 

1st woman: So, what happened?

 

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

 

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive

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Bacon Tree

 

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

 

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

 

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

 

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

 

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

 

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

 

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

 

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

 

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

 

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

 

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

 

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees

 

 

 

Ees

 

 

 

Ees

 

 

 

Ees

 

 

 

Ees a ham bush...."

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Two women are talking about their husbands.

 

"My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

 

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking red mark on his forehead.

 

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond"

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Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jills fanny.

But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock

cuz Jill is a fucking tranny.

 

 

 

10 Signs you're trailer trash

 

1. Your wifes hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan

 

2. You've been married 3 times and still have the same in-laws

 

3. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there are lawas against it

 

4. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk

 

5. Your toilet paper has page #s on it

 

6. Somebody hollers "hoe down!" and your girlfriend hits the floor

 

7. If a tornado hits your house & causes $10,000 worth of improvements

 

8. Anyone in your family died right after saying "Hey y'all, watch this!"

 

9. You think Dom Perignon is a mafia boss

 

10. You think a woman who is "out of this league" bowls on a different night

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A maniac escaped from the Lunatic asylum, raped two women in a laundromat and then fled.

 

The headline in the Daily Astonisher the next day read...

 

 

...

 

 

...

 

 

...

 

 

...

 

 

Nut Screws Washers and Bolts

 

 

...I'll get my hat, See ya

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To my darling husband,

 

Before you return from your business trip, I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pickup truck when I turned into the driveway.

 

Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

 

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway, I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

 

The garage door is slightly bent but the pickup fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

 

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality that you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

 

I am enclosing a picture for you.

 

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

 

 

Your loving wife,

 

 

XXX

crash.jpg

 

PS: your girlfriend called.

 

 

 

:D

 

WWing

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A maniac escaped from the Lunatic asylum, raped two women in a laundromat and then fled.

 

The headline in the Daily Astonisher the next day read...

 

 

...

 

 

Nut Screws Washers and Bolts

 

 

...I'll get my hat, See ya

noice! :lol:

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A Scot, An Englishman and a Yank are taken prisoner in Afghanistan.

They are locked up for five years with a choice of taking one item with them.

The Scot takes as much whisky as he can fit into the cell.

The Englishman takes as many young women as can fit in his cell.

The Yank (Big Country) Takes as many packs of cigarettes as will fit in his cell.

Five years later the Scot staggers out clutching a bottle,,,

the Englishman is carried out with inflamed balls,,,,

and the Yank steps out and asks for a light.

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“Mummy, mummy, I’ve discovered how babies are made.

I saw daddy put his willy in your mouth last night.”

 

“No, that’s not right,” replied mummy, “that’s how I get my

expensive jewelery.”

 

 

 

 

 

“Mummy, mummy, what’s a pussy?” asked the small boy. His

mother went to the encyclopaedia and showed him a picture

of a cat.

“That’s a pussy,” she said.

“Mummy, mummy, what’s a bitch?” continued the little boy.

Again, mother consulted the encyclopaedia and showed her

son a picture of a dog.

But the boy wasn’t convinced so he went to his father and

asked him what a pussy was. Dad went to his magazine,

opened it at the centrefold and drew a circle.

“There you are, son,” he said, “that’s a pussy.”

Then the little boy asked him what a bitch was and dad

replied sadly, “Everything outside the circle, son.”

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So then the Buddhist goes to pay with a fiver, and the vendor tries to give him three back... The Buddhist said "No, my son. Change must come from within."

 

Got a long ride tomorrow, need some fodder. Here's one:

 

Zen Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand. "Make me one with everything."

 

more?

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A guy is visiting his buddy who mans the counter at an adult toy store. Soon after he arrived his buddy asks him to man the counter for a while while he gets some lunch. The visitor is a little unsure about this until he's told that all he needs to know is, "The big black dildo is $50 and the little white dildo is $25."

 

Reluctantly the visitor accepts the task and the store guy gos to lunch. I few minutes later a woman walks in and asks about the prices and guy says, "The big black dildo is $50 and the little white dildo is $25." The woman buys the little white dildo.

 

Another few minutes go by and another woman comes in and asks the prices and new guys says the same thing as before. The woman buys a black dildo.

 

I third woman comes up to the counter and says, "How much for the little white dildo?", The guy says, "The big black dildo is $50 and the little white dildo is $25."

 

The woman then asks, "Well....how much for that plaid dildo over there?"

 

After some thought the guys says, "Well, ma'am, the plaid one is $100."

 

The woman says, "I'll take it." The guys rings her up and she leaves in a hurry.

 

The store guy comes back a little later with his lunch and asks his buddy how it went. His buddy is excited and says,

 

"Well, I sold one white one for $25 and one black one for $50 and I'll be damned if I didn't sell your Thermos for $100."

 

OK, that's the best laugh I've had since I found this thread!

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A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down. He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

 

 

 

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear

and forget regret. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires. He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.

 

 

 

No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.

Never mind.

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SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2010

 

 

 

Scenario:

Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

 

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

 

2010 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark.. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months. School board hold meeting to impliment bullying prevention programs

 

Scenario:

Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

 

1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

 

2010 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.

 

Scenario :

Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

 

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

 

20010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.

 

Scenario :

Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

 

1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.

 

2010 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

 

 

Scenario :

Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from Guy Fawkes, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bullant nest.

 

1957 - Ants die.

 

2010- State Police, Star Force, Federal Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Feds investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

 

Scenario :

Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary . Mary hugs him to comfort him.

 

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

 

2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

 

This should be sent to every e-mail address to show how stupid we have become!

 

Think about it!

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The husband had just finished reading

a new book entitled, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'.

 

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From

now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and

my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight,

and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a

sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go

upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I

want.

 

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.

You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my

robe...Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then

tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and do my hair?

 

Without even looking up from her morning paper the wife

replied, 'The fuckin funeral director would be my first

guess.'

 

 

 

 

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Bob was driving home after spending a great day on the lake fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home, so he was speeding just a little bit. As he was crossing a bridge, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned Bob to the side of the bridge.

Bob pulled over like a good citizen.

 

The cop walked up to Bob's car and said "You know how fast you were goin', boy?"

 

Bob thought for a second and said "Uh, 60?"

 

"67 MPH, BOY!! 67 MPH in a 55 zone!!!" said the cop.

 

"If you already knew, why'd you ask me?", Bob snarled back.

 

Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire, and said, "You don't even look like you have a job!! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"

 

Bob answered, "Hey, I've got a job . . . a good job!"

 

The cop leaned in the window, sniffing the foul air, and said, "What kind of a job would a smelly bum like you have?"

 

"I'm a rectum stretcher!" Bob replied.

 

"What the hell does a rectum stretcher do, Boy?" asked the cop.

 

Bob explained, "When someone needs to be stretched, I'm the one who does it. I start with a couple fingers, then a couple more, and then one hand, then both hands. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until the rectum is a full six feet across."

 

The cop, absorbed with this bizarre image, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"

 

Bob replied, "I guess you give it a radar gun and stick it on the end of a bridge!"

 

 

Just starting to read through these. THis one made me laugh hard. Thanks

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A husband and wife are shopping in their local Woolworths.

 

The husband picks up a case of VB and puts it in their cart.

 

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

 

'They're on sale, only $30 for 24 cans,' he replies.

 

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

 

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $60 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

 

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

 

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

 

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of VB and it's half the price.'

 

 

On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

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A husband and wife are shopping in their local Woolworths.

 

The husband picks up a case of VB and puts it in their cart.

 

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

 

'They're on sale, only $30 for 24 cans,' he replies.

 

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

 

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $60 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

 

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

 

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

 

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of VB and it's half the price.'

 

 

On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

 

Is that a joke? Or what happened to LB15 last week?

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A husband and wife are shopping in their local Woolworths.

 

The husband picks up a case of VB and puts it in their cart.

 

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

 

'They're on sale, only $30 for 24 cans,' he replies.

 

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

 

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $60 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

 

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

 

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

 

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of VB and it's half the price.'

 

 

On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

 

Is that a joke? Or what happened to LB15 last week?

 

 

Droll, very farking droll. You're posting again. Is your 5 day long summer over?

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Now that i have been married a whole 14 weeks I'm getting included in all sorts of emails i didn't get previously (not an anti-men phase) here comes another one...

WICOE

(Women In Charge Of Everything)

 

Is proud to announce the opening of its

EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!

OPEN TO MEN ONLY

ALL ARE WELCOME

 

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

 

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

 

DAY ONE

 

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS

Step by step guide with slide presentation

 

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?

Roundtable discussion

 

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR

Practising with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

 

DISHES & SILVERWARE;

DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK

OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVE