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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for th

One sunny day in late January 2021, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,

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One day , Bullgator has a heart-attack and dies.

 

He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

 

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

 

Bullgator thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

 

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in Hell.

 

"No," Bullgator said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

 

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

 

In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

 

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Bullgator.

 

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Bullgator saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

 

Bullgator looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

 

The devil smiled and said .. . . . .

 

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

 

Bullgator "Sweet!"

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Did you hear about the man with five penises?

 

His pants fit like a glove.

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A man was in a doctors office and the doctor walked in and said, ok what do you need today sir.

The man pulled down his pants and showed the doctor his beat up, bruised, and bleading penis.

The doctor said, damn how did you do that?

The man said well I live in a trailor, and every night I have noticed that the woman in the trailor next to mine at exactally 9:00pm, she moves her rug where there is a hole in the floor, she sticks a hot dog in the hole and masterbates with it.

So one day I got an idea at 8:45pm I would go under her trailor and when she put the hot dog in the hole I would pull it out and stick my penis in the hole.

So that night I did, and it was going great untill someone knocked on the door and she tried to kick it under the oven!

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ETHEL AND THE NURSING HOME

 

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair,

 

and loved to charge around the nursing home,

 

taking corners on one wheel and getting up to

 

maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich

 

short of a picnic the other residents tolerated

 

her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor

 

when a door opened and Kooky Clarence

 

stepped out with his arm outstretched.

 

"STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you

 

got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished

 

around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat

 

wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said,

 

and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on

 

one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of

 

her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of

 

insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled

 

out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold

 

nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am." As Ethel

 

neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped

 

out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his

 

"You-Know- What" in his hand.

"Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn

 

Breathalyzer Test again.!!!"

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Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Tri-Nations Rugby match and was not feeling well, So he decided to see a doctor.

 

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

 

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.

 

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

 

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

 

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

 

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey."

 

"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

 

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

 

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

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New Rule: Don't keep the super glue next to your eye drops. An elderly woman in Phoenix was reaching for her cataract medicine and - yes, she super glued her eyes shut. And, after seeing what had happened, her husband of many years took the superglue and moved it next to the toothpaste. -

 

:ph34r:

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The Movie Test

 

 

 

Be honest and don't look at the movie list till you have done the maths!

 

Try this test and find out what movie you most relate to. This amazing math s quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most.

 

Don't ask me how, but it really works! Just give it a go....

 

 

Movie Test:

 

Pick a number from 1-9.

 

Multiply by 3.

 

Add 3.

 

Multiply by 3 again.

 

Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favourite movie in the list of 18 movies below.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Movie List:

 

 

 

1. Gone With The Wind

 

2. E.T.

 

3. Beverly Hills Cop

 

4. Star Wars

 

5. Forrest Gump

 

6. Grease

 

7. Jaws

 

8. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

 

9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat

 

10. Pirates of the Caribbean

 

11. Jurassic Park

 

12. Shrek

 

13. Casablanca

 

14. Titanic

 

15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark

 

16. Home Alone

 

17. Mrs. Doubtfire

 

18. Toy Story

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On his 70th birthday a man got a certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is a powerful medicine, and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
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On this page we find members who don't understand math and are amazed by something that has been in chain emails since the late 90's

 

You are on a new page now! However on this page we find members who don't understand that people posting jokes didn't make them up themselves.

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On this page we find members who don't understand math and are amazed by something that has been in chain emails since the late 90's

 

 

Your just pissed that you ended up with

9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat

I got

4. Star Wars

biggrin.gif

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On this page we find members who don't understand math and are amazed by something that has been in chain emails since the late 90's

 

You are on a new page now! However on this page we find members who don't understand that people posting jokes didn't make them up themselves.

 

I swear when it was first posted it was on the same page as the v92 post, the number of posts per page must have been altered since the forums were down.

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To my darling husband,

 

Before you return from your business trip, I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pickup truck when I turned into the driveway.

 

Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

 

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway, I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

 

The garage door is slightly bent but the pickup fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

 

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality that you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

 

I am enclosing a picture for you.

 

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

 

 

Your loving wife,

 

 

XXX

crash.jpg

 

PS: your girlfriend called.

 

 

 

:D

 

WWing

 

Arkansas plates, but not me.

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On this page we find members who don't understand math and are amazed by something that has been in chain emails since the late 90's

 

You are on a new page now! However on this page we find members who don't understand that people posting jokes didn't make them up themselves.

 

I swear when it was first posted it was on the same page as the v92 post, the number of posts per page must have been altered since the forums were down.

it was the first time I'd actually seen it thats why I posted it - whats v92?

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UCLA STUDY (very interesting and short)

A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:

 

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest with a bat up his ass while he is on fire.

 

No further studies are expected on this subject.

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A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and asked, "May I see your driver's license?"

 

The driver answered, "I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI."

 

The officer asked, "May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?"

 

The driver answered,"It's not my car. I stole it."

 

The officer asked, "The car is stolen?"

 

The driver answered, "That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there."

 

The officer asked, "There's a gun in the glove box?"

 

The driver answered, "Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk."

 

The officer asked, "There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?"

 

The driver answered, "Yes, sir."

 

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by! police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation.

 

The Captain asked, "Sir, can I see your license?" The driver answered, "Sure. Here it is." It was valid.

 

The Captain asked, "Who's car is this?"

 

The driver answered, "It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card." The driver owned the car.

 

The Captain asked, "Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?"

 

The driver answered, "Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it." Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

 

The Captain asked, "Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it."

 

The driver answered, "No problem." Trunk is opened; no body.

 

The Captain said, "I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk."

 

The driver answered, "Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!"

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IRISH VASECTOMY

 

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was

enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his

doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more

children ...

 

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix

the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home,

get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can

up to his ear and count to 10.

 

The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in

the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my

ear is going to help me with my problem."

 

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

 

So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the

can up to his ear and began to count:

 

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between

his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

 

PS

 

This procedure also works in America

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* I'm living next door to a Indian couple at the moment. They have

3 little kids and they've challenged me to a water fight in the back

yard, so I'm just writing to you while the kettle boils!

 

* I've caught a stray parrot in my garden.

All he says is, "good morning you ugly prick."

It's not yours is it ????

 

* I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for

donations. Just had one from the sperm bank.

Boy, did I give her a mouthful !!!

 

* Been to the optometrist today - he told me I was color blind.

I'm f#*kin' worried now that some of my buddies could be black.

If you are, can you please delete my e-mail address?

 

* There's a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market:

TRYCOXAGAIN !!!

 

*In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point.

The question was “ Where do women mostly have curly hair? “

Apparently, it's Africa !!!!!!!

 

*One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found

in cells -----------

It appears that Nigerians and Zimbabweans is not the correct answer

 

*George Clooney is to star in a new film about Gary Glitter, called

"Oh, She's Eleven."

 

*My wife told me I was no longer romantic so I booked a table for the

two of us on Valentine's Night.

Problem was she’s CRAP at snooker & darts

 

*There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Durban but I've been

banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets

 

*You can say what you like about paedophiles --- but at least they drive

slowly past schools

 

*A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the

symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard

and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."

 

*A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.

I said "How can you tell them apart?"

He said, "Easy --------- her brother's got a moustache."

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  • 3 weeks later...

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls for his grandson to approach the bed.

"Lissin a me, I wanna for you to taka my chrome-plated .38-caliber revolver so you will always remember me."

 

The grandson smiles weakly and replies, "But Grandpa, I really dona lika guns.

Howz 'bout you leava me you Rolex watch instead?"

 

Gasping for air, the old man answers with a snarl in his voice, "Shuddup ana lissin.

Somma day you gonna runna da business.

You gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home, and maybea couple ah little bambinos."

 

After a slight pause to catch his breath he continues, "Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.

Whadda you gonna do then...pointa to your watch and say 'Time's up?'

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Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

 

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there...we've got the dogs with us."

 

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

 

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

 

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

 

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

 

The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"

 

The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

 

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

 

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought,"What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

 

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

 

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

 

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

 

The woman said indignantly, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a f***ing Chihuahua?!"

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A fire starts inside a chemical plant and the alarm goes out to fire departments miles around.

After crews have been fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said: "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $100,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"

The crews try, but no one can get through.

 

Then another fire truck, filled with a volunteer fire company of men over 65, comes roaring down the road and drives straight into the middle of the inferno. The other mens watch unbelieving as the old timers hop off of their rig and heroically extinguish the fire, saving the secret formulas.

 

The company president walks over to reward the volunteers.

 

"What do you guys plan to do with the money?" the president asks the group.

 

The firetruck driver looks him right in the eye and answers, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the fucking brakes on that truck."

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A vampire bat arrives back at the roost with his face full of blood. All the bats get excited and ask where he got it from. Follow me he says. Off they fly over hills, over the river and into the dark forest. See that big tree over there he says. Yes, they all reply, Well I fucking didn't!

 

 

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Davie and Phil were a couple of drinking pals who worked as

aircraft mechanics at Glasgow Airport. One day the airport was

fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

 

Davie said, "Jeez, I wish we had something to drink!".

 

Phil says, "Me as weel. Y'ken, I've heard ye can swallie jet fuel

and get a buzz. Ye gonnae try it?

 

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high-octane hootch

and get completely smashed.

 

The next morning Davie wakes up and is surprised at how good he

feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

nothing! Then the phone rings...It's Phil.

 

Phil says, "Hey, how do you feel this mornin'?"

 

Davie says, "Brilliant! Whit aboot yerself?"

 

Phil says, "I feel great, too. Do ye have a sair heid?"

 

Davie says, "Naw, that jet fuel is great stuff - nae hangover,

nothin'. We need tae drink this stuff insteed o' Smirnoff."

 

"Aye! But there's just one thing..."

 

"Whit's that?".

 

"Have ye farted yet?"

 

"Naw..."

 

 

 

 

"Well, DINNAE, 'cause I'm in Dusseldorf "

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A Vicar checks into a hotel and says to the girl on the front desk ' I hope the porn channel in my room is diabled"

 

She says "no it is regular porn you sicko!"

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A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

 

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

 

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

 

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

 

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

 

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

 

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

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A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

 

 

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

 

He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

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Bubba had shingles.

 

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medicare number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room..

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.'

 

The doctor asked, 'Where?'

 

Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

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Bubba had shingles.

 

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medicare number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room..

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.'

 

The doctor asked, 'Where?'

 

Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

outstanding.

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We were dressed, and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house. Because she always tries to eat the bird.

 

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

 

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'

 

The cab driver hit a parked car.

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The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance"

warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

 

 

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off' to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

 

 

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

 

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

 

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

 

 

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

 

 

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

 

Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies "just in case".

 

Canada doesn't have any alert levels.

 

 

New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

 

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to.........."She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain:

"Crikey! "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

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Sorry if we have ths one already!!!

 

Gunslinger walks into a bar in Dodge City.

No-one noticed.

Looks around. Half a dozen cowboys drinking at card tables.; one playing a piano.

Still no-one notices.

Pulls out his six gun and twirls then peels off five shots. Five beer glasses on top of the piano shatter. Beer runs down the piano.

Piano player keeps playing.

Pulls the other gun, twirls, turns his back, sights through a mirror and fires four more times. Shoots bottoms off the piano stool legs. Piano player, now 8 inches lower, continues to play.

Card players scarper.

Bartender moves over to gunslinger and pushes a shot of whisky in his direction.

"That was mighty fine shootin', stranger!

C'n I have a look at yore irons?"

Gunslinger now chuffed at the attention. Hands over the guns, beaming with self-importance.

Bartender admiringly strokes the guns. "Mighty fine irons, stranger," Cocks one eye in his direction, "but if I were you I'd file off those sights on the barrels, there."

Gunslinger looks at bartender in amazement.

"Then," continues the bartender "I'd cut the top off that's stickin' up from the hammer there. Ya see?"

Peers intently at gunslinger. "..... then..... I'd sand all those notches you got in them handles and make 'em all nice and smooooooth."

Gunslinger now intrigued.

"Then I'd smother both the guns in a thick layer of pig fat."

Gunslinger can't contain himself.

"Now why in the Sam Hill would I want to do all o' that?"

 

Bartender peers at him, jerks his thumb to the end of the room.

"Because, my friend, when Wyatt Earp over there finishes playin' the piano, he's gunna shove them guns right up your arse!

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An old couple having an evening coffee in a local diner.

 

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

 

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

 

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

 

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

 

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

 

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

 

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

 

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing; I've got to ask them what their secret is.

 

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

 

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

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An old couple having an evening coffee in a local diner.

 

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

 

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

 

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

 

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

 

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

 

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

 

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

 

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing; I've got to ask them what their secret is.

 

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

 

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

 

 

Tha't's awesome!

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Did we already have this one??

 

A 60 year old man goes to the doctor. After his examination, the doctor tells the man, "You are in remarkable shape for a 60 year old. How old was your father when he died?"

 

"Who says he's dead?" the man replies, "He's 84 and he just ran his first marathon."

 

"Amazing." says the doctor, "How about your grandfather? How old was he when he died?"

 

"Who says he's dead?" the man answers, "He's 106 years old, and next week he's marrying a 20 year old girl."

 

"Good heavens!" says the doctor, "Why on earth would he want to do that?"

 

The man replies, "Who says he wants to?"

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Sorry if we have ths one already!!!

 

Gunslinger walks into a bar in Dodge City.

No-one noticed.

Looks around. Half a dozen cowboys drinking at card tables.; one playing a piano.

Still no-one notices.

Pulls out his six gun and twirls then peels off five shots. Five beer glasses on top of the piano shatter. Beer runs down the piano.

Piano player keeps playing.

Pulls the other gun, twirls, turns his back, sights through a mirror and fires four more times. Shoots bottoms off the piano stool legs. Piano player, now 8 inches lower, continues to play.

Card players scarper.

Bartender moves over to gunslinger and pushes a shot of whisky in his direction.

"That was mighty fine shootin', stranger!

C'n I have a look at yore irons?"

Gunslinger now chuffed at the attention. Hands over the guns, beaming with self-importance.

Bartender admiringly strokes the guns. "Mighty fine irons, stranger," Cocks one eye in his direction, "but if I were you I'd file off those sights on the barrels, there."

Gunslinger looks at bartender in amazement.

"Then," continues the bartender "I'd cut the top off that's stickin' up from the hammer there. Ya see?"

Peers intently at gunslinger. "..... then..... I'd sand all those notches you got in them handles and make 'em all nice and smooooooth."

Gunslinger now intrigued.

"Then I'd smother both the guns in a thick layer of pig fat."

Gunslinger can't contain himself.

"Now why in the Sam Hill would I want to do all o' that?"

 

Bartender peers at him, jerks his thumb to the end of the room.

"Because, my friend, when Wyatt Earp over there finishes playin' the piano, he's gunna shove them guns right up your arse!

 

Although I've never heard it, that must be really old....

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Tampax have announced today that they will be replacing the string on tampons with a piece of tinsel. This will be just for the Christmas period

Did you hear about their new Marketing slogan.

 

Tampax, we might not be #1, but we're up there.

 

That just sprayed coffee all over the front of the girlfriend and the coffee table. Well done sir from me, but she's pissed. :unsure:

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Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

 

One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

 

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

 

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

 

'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'

 

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

 

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?

 

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.

 

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.

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There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

 

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

 

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

 

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

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Joe is sitting on a train across from a

busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

 

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

 

The blonde realises he is staring and

inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

 

"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.

 

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

 

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

 

Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

 

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

 

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over

and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

 

Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"

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There was a small boy who was put to bed by his parents. The boy had a nightmare, and got out of bed to go to his parents room.

 

When he got there, he saw mommy bouncing up and down on daddy. When his dad noticed him in the doorway, the kid ran away.

 

The mother got off and got dressed quickly, and went to the boy's room. He was in his bed, and he asked, "Mommy, what were you doing to daddy?"

 

The mother replied, "Well, your father has noticed his belly getting bigger, and I was just trying to flatten his tummy for him by bouncing on it."

 

"Oh, that's what you were doing. But you're wasting your time mommy." The boy said.

 

"Oh, and why is that?" The mom asked.

 

"Because everyday when you leave for work, the neighbor lady comes over, gets on her knees and blows it right back up again.

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On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike.

 

The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you've got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

 

The kid said, "Yeah."

 

The cop said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.

 

The kid took the ticket, but before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

 

Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."

 

The kid said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

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A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when

he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little

ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the

middle.

 

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet, and the wagon is being

pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a

closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter

says with admiration.

 

"Thanks" the girl says. The firefighter looks a little closer

and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to

the cat's Nuts!

 

"Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how

to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's

collar too, I think you could go faster."

 

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but

then I wouldn't have a siren."

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while

he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey

grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball,

sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?

The guy says, "No, what?"

 

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

 

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

 

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

 

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the

bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

 

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"

 

 

"Now what?" asks the patron.

 

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

 

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats every thing in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures

everything first!"

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while

he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey

grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball,

sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?

The guy says, "No, what?"

 

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

 

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

 

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

 

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the

bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

 

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"

 

 

"Now what?" asks the patron.

 

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

 

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats every thing in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures

everything first!"

 

Who's the dumb shit?

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A girl was borne without legs.

 

When she reached puberty, she had great difficulty getting a date.

 

In the end she joined a dating site on the Internet and began corresponding with a guy who seemed perfect.

 

Before too long she organised a date, all the while fending off any comments and questions that would identify her disability.

 

The great day came and she planned with her mother how she would avoid breaking the news to the guy as long as she could.

 

At the appointed hour, the guy rocked up to the front door and, while mother answered the door, father raced her out the back door, round to the car and sat her in the passenger's seat with a rug over her absent legs.

 

Mother told the date that daughter had gone out the back already and would likely be in the car.

 

The guy went back to his car and there she was.

 

He jumped in and asked what she would like to do for the evening.

 

She responded quickly that she loved drive-in movies so away they went.

 

They were barely into the feature when the guy slid across and put his arm around the girl.

 

Encountering no resistance he went for the top bollocks and a long kiss.

 

Before long his hand crept under the rug and found out about the absent legs.

 

He ripped his hand out and began to apologise profusely and begged her forgiveness.

 

She said she didn't mind and that she would like to take matters a bit further if he wanted.

 

He expressed some concerns about how the tryst should be accomplished and she responded that there was, in the nearby industrial estate, a handy chainwire fence. He could hang her on the fence and readily achieve the desired result without having to put her down and pick her up numerous times while completing the disrobing process.

 

By this time he was hot to trot so they exited the drive-in immediately and drove round to the suggested fence where he whipped her out of the car and hung her on the barbed selvedge of the fence and committed the dark deed.

 

He tidied her up and sat her in the car and drove her home. Pulling up to the front door, he was suddenly overcome with remorse.

 

He apologised with tears in his eyes and again begged her forgiveness for his callous act.

 

"There is no need for apologies! You have been a perfect gentleman." she said, "Why, the last guy left me hanging on the fence!"

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Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

 

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

 

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you we re able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

 

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

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After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired.

 

He told the circus owner he was going to retire.

 

"But you can't!" protested the boss.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Where am I going to find another man of your caliber."

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The head Greenie Tree Hugging Lady Activist, who was responsible for getting horses banned from National Parks & State Forests, was climbing a big tree to have a look out over the forestry when a Tawny Frogmouth Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site.

 

In a panic to make her escape, she slid down the tree, getting many splinters in the crotch of her designer shorts.

 

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest Doctor, told him, she was an environmentalist, and how she got all the splinters. The Doctor listened with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he

would see if he might be able to help her.

 

She waited for three hours before the Doctor reappeared.

 

The angry woman demanded: "What took you so long?"

 

He smiled and then told her: "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forestry Service, National Parks and Wildlife Service, Country Fire Authority and Conservation and Land Management, before I could remove "Old Growth Timber" from a recreational area....... I am sorry but they turned me down."

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A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.  Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.  He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:  

'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

 

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.  

His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.    

 

The drunk leans on the table again and says:

'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'  

 

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad , but the biker still says nothing.  

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,  

  'I tell tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'    

 

At this point the biker stands up,  

  takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says...................

 

 

 

 

'Grandpa;.......... Go home!

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COPPER WIRE

 

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

 

Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

 

One week later, the states' Dept of Minerals and Energy in Western Australia , reported the following:

 

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Western Australias Pilbara region, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely fuck all. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."

 

Just makes you bloody proud to be Australian.

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I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today,and we all could probably use more calm in our lives as well as understanding snaggletooth

 

Some doctor ontv this morning said the way to achieve inner peace and understand snaggy is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished so I have managed to finish off a bottle o fMerlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, apockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins,the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how bludyfablus I feel rite now. Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned oviennr pisss. An telum, u fukin luvum.!!

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I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today,and we all could probably use more calm in our lives as well as understanding snaggletooth

 

Some doctor ontv this morning said the way to achieve inner peace and understand snaggy is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished so I have managed to finish off a bottle o fMerlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, apockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins,the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how bludyfablus I feel rite now. Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned oviennr pisss. An telum, u fukin luvum.!!

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Two buddies are talking on the phone as they begin to get hit by a snowstorm.

 

First guys says, It's really coming down here, must have a foot and a half already.

His buddy says, It's at least that here, drifting higher by a lot, and it's blowing 30-40, too.

First guys says, Yeah, we got that breeze, and the temperature just dropped below zero.

His buddy says , Yeah, it's cold here too, not much to do, my wife's just staring thru the kitchen window.

First guys says, Is that right?

His buddy says, Yeah, if it gets much worse I'm going to have to let her in.

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John Murphy hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"

 

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

 

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

 

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

 

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

 

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

 

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

 

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Boudreaux asks a store clerk, 'In what aisle could I find the boudin?'

The clerk looks at him and says, 'Are you Cajun?'

Boudreaux (clearly offended) says, 'Well, mais yes I am. But let me ax you somethin'. If I had axed fo' Italian sausage, would you ax me if I was Italian? Or if I hadda axed fo' German Bratwurst, would you ax me if I was German? Or if I axed fo' a kosher hot dog, would you ax me if I was Jewish? Or if I had axed fo' a taco, would you ax if I was Mexican? If I axed fo' some Irish whiskey, would you ax if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "Well, no, I probably wouldn't!"

With deep self-righteous indignation, Boudreaux says, "Well den, why you ax me if I'm Cajun because I axed fo' boudin?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot!"

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Boudreaux asks a store clerk, 'In what aisle could I find the boudin?'

The clerk looks at him and says, 'Are you Cajun?'

Boudreaux (clearly offended) says, 'Well, mais yes I am. But let me ax you somethin'. If I had axed fo' Italian sausage, would you ax me if I was Italian? Or if I hadda axed fo' German Bratwurst, would you ax me if I was German? Or if I axed fo' a kosher hot dog, would you ax me if I was Jewish? Or if I had axed fo' a taco, would you ax if I was Mexican? If I axed fo' some Irish whiskey, would you ax if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "Well, no, I probably wouldn't!"

With deep self-righteous indignation, Boudreaux says, "Well den, why you ax me if I'm Cajun because I axed fo' boudin?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot!"

 

He must've mistaken it for Lowe's.. Understandable.

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