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The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

 

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

 

The husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

 

The husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

 

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me she hadn't eaten for three days.

 

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

 

"Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you’ve had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they're too tight.

 

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

 

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

 

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

 

'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for th

One sunny day in late January 2021, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,

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A gay guy is having a dry spell. He tries something different and goes into a bad neighborhood. As he walks into the bar, all of the patrons are black and he goes to a stool and sits next to this guy. They talk about the weather, sports, etc. Finally, the gay guy leans over and quietly says, "I'd like to give you a blowjob." The black guy put down his drink, picked up the gay guy, threw him to the floor and beat him, kicked him and stomped him. Finally he picked the gay guy up and threw him out the front door. He returned to his stool and went back to his drink.

 

The bartender walks over and says, "Leroy, you've been comin' here for 15 years, always a peaceful man, what in tarnations got into you?" Leroy says, "That dude told me he wanted to give me some kind of a job. And nobody messes with my welfare!"

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Dear Noah,

We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.

Sincerely, Unicorns

 

Dear Twilight fans,

Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.

Enjoy fantasizing about that.

Sincerely, Logic

 

Dear Icebergs,

Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.

Sincerely, The Titanic

 

Dear J.K. Rowling,

Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?

Sincerely, Anonymous

 

Dear America,

You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.

Sincerely, Canada

 

Dear Boyfriend,

I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.

Sincerely, Spiders

 

Dear Voldemort,

So they screwed up your nose too?

Sincerely, Michael Jackson

 

Dear Yahoo,

I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...

Sincerely, Google

 

Dear girls who have been dumped,

There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.

Sincerely, BP

 

Dear Mary,

Just admit that you slept with someone else. This is getting out of hand.

Sincerely, Joseph

 

Dear 2010,

So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!

Sincerely, 1985

 

Dear Justin Bieber,

Ariel would really love her voice back.

Sincerely, King Titon

 

Dear Rose,

There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us.

Sincerely, Jack

 

Dear Windshield Wipers,

Can't touch this.

Sincerely, That Little Triangle

 

Dear Taylor Swift,

If it is of any interest to you, Romeo and Juliet both kill themselves in the end.

Sincerely, Shakespeare

 

Dear Soccer Fans,

B B B B B B Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z

Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z!

Sincerely, Vuvuzelas

 

Dear Saturn,

I liked it, so I put a ring on it.

Sincerely, God

 

Dear Rubik's Cube,

Done!

Sincerely, Colorblind

 

Dear Santa,

Please tell me how you managed to stop at three Ho's.

Sincerely, Tiger Woods

 

Dear Boys Wearing Skinny Jeans,

I. Can't. Breathe.

Sincerely, Your Balls

 

Dear Martin Luther King Jr.,

I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream... What now?

Sincerely, Leonardo DiCaprio

 

Dear Sleeping Beauty,

I had to join the army, dress up like a man, defeat the hun army and totally save China for my man.

All you had to do was wake up.

Sincerely, Mulan

 

Dear Romeo,

My death isn't the only thing I've been faking...

Sincerely, Juliet

 

Dear Fox News,

So far, no news about foxes.

Sincerely, Unimpressed

 

Dear Sex Educators,

Abstinence is only 99.99% effective.

Sincerely, The Virgin Mary

 

Dear Toaster,

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?

Sincerely, Toast

 

Dear Edward,

I really hope that one day, I can find my way into your heart.

Sincerely, a stake

 

Dear Prince Charming,

You've got some explaining to do!

Sincerely, Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, and Sleeping Beauty

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Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.

Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.

Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?

Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!

Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?

Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

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A couple cannot wait to be married. They are driving home and hit a patch of ice, crash, die and go right to heaven. Appearing before Saint Peter, they tell him, "Saint Peter, we couldn't wait to get married. Could you get us married here in heaven?" Saint Peter pauses and says, "I'll see what I can do." Time passes and Saint Peter calls the couple to his office and tells them, "I have some good news, you are going to be married." They are married and are so happy. As time goes on, they go back to see Saint Peter. They tell him, "We want a divorce. This marriage isn't what we thought it would be. We can't stand it." Saint Peter responds, "Give me a break, it took me 10 years to find a priest in heaven to marry you, it will take me forever to find you a lawyer."

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I'm not normally suspicious but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin from Autoglass came round and injected that special resin into her crack.......................she hasn't even got a car!!

 

I hate crushing pills up and putting them in my Aunt’s dinner. I feel sneaky, but if I ever got her pregnant I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.

 

Matt Lucas's ex-partner hanged himself this week. Matt is said to be distraught but on a lighter note, he is now the only gay in the village

 

Wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road.

A man asks "What's wrong?"

Boy says "Me Ma is dead"

"Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to get Father O'Riley ?"

Wee boy replies"No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind roight now."

 

Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world. Told them to " F**k Off". Anyone who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!!

 

Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast speed that it's now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her gob shut.

 

Turned on my SatNav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How good is that?

 

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think " I'm having that fucker!"

 

Man lost in a hot air balloon over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him, "Where am I?"

The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can't kid me ya b'stard, you're in that feckin basket!"

 

Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 999.

Paddy says "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her"

Operator "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is dead?"

CLICK,BANG

Paddy "OK, done that, what next?

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The police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 12.01 a.m. on Friday.

 

On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.

 

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated in a telephone interview.

 

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.

 

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

 

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.

 

'I said, ‘Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??'

 

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said...

'A pumpkin? Shit ... is it midnight already?'

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A man applying for a job at a Fresno Lemon Orchard seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

 

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this: Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

 

He replied: "I've been divorced three times, bought a Yugo and a Fiat, a Beta video player, follow Seatle SeaHawks, bought into Global warming, voted for the Feinstien, Obama and Biden.

 

"How am I doing so far?"

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A teacher asks the class to name things that end with "tor" that eat things.

The first little boy says "alligator". "Very good, that's a big word".

The second boy says, "predator". "Yes, that's another big word, well done".

Then little Johnny says, "vibrator".

After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything".

"Well, my sister has one and she says it eats fucking batteries like there's no tomorrow".

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A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

 

"You have so much to live for," said the man.

 

"I'm a sailor, and we're off to Europe tomorrow, and I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

 

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe , the woman accepted.

 

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small, but comfortable, compartment in the hold.

 

>From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

 

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

 

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

 

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied.

"He brings food and I get a free trip to Europe ."

 

"I see," the captain says.

 

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

 

"He certainly is," replied the captain, "this is the Staten Island Ferry "

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As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you*re losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

 

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you're losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

 

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you're losing some of your load!" When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

 

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck and runs back to the blonde.. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...

 

"Hi, my name is Kevin. It's winter in Kansas, and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

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An 80-year-old Italian gent goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,' how do you stay in such great physical condition?'

 

I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'

 

'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?'

 

'Who said my Father's dead?'

 

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'

 

'He's 100 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'

 

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'

 

'Who said my Nono's dead?'

 

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather' s still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

 

'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.

 

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

 

'No, Nono couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

 

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'

 

'Who said he wanted to?'

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A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

 

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand his curiosity.

 

He respectfully approached the man walking thedog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

 

"My wife's."

 

''What happened to her?"

 

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

 

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

 

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

 

A very poignant and touching moment, of brotherhood and silence, passed between the two men.

 

"Can I borrow the dog?"

 

The man replied, "Sure, get in line."

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Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for thewife.

 

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for thier anniversarysubmitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol& Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15thanniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wifeJulie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

 

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long termadverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat tosafety...??

 

WAY TOO COOL!!! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home...Iloaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed thebutton and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get theblue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

 

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explaine to Julie what that burn spotis on the face of her microwave.

 

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that itcouldn't be all that bad with only TWO AAA batteries, right??

 

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting littlesoul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed totry this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

 

I must admit, I thought about Zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) andthen thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I wasgoing to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I didwant some assurance that it would work as advertised.

 

Am I wrong?

 

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glassesperched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, andTazer in another.

 

The Directions said that: a one second burst would shock and disorientyour assailant:

 

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss ofbodily control: and

 

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the groundlike a fish out of water.

 

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

 

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,less that 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAAbatteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

 

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

 

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side asto say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such atiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad...I decided to give myself a onesecond burst just for the heck of it.

 

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

 

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE...!!!

 

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in therecliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and overagain. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, withtears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere tobe found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, andtingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heardbefore, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously inan attempt to avoide getting slammed by my body flopping all over the livingroom.

 

Note:

If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:

 

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! Youwill not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violentthrashing about on the floor!

A three second burst would be considered conservative!

 

A minute or so later (I cant's be sure, as time was a relative thing at thatpoint), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed thelandscape.

 

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

 

'The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originallywas.

 

'My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching..

 

'My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed88 pounds.

 

'Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, andmy sence of smell was gone.

 

I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

 

I'm still looking for my testicles, and I'm offering a significant reward fortheir safe return!

 

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift andnow regularly threatens me with it!

 

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!

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His and Her Diary:

 

 

 

HER DIARY:

 

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

 

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

 

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too".

 

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.

 

He continued to seem distant and absent.

 

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.

 

He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

 

 

 

 

HIS DIARY:

 

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out, at least I got laid.

 

 

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A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble.

 

He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.

 

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc, but to no avail.

 

The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"

 

So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

 

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big.

 

Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

 

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

 

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

 

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?

 

"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.

 

"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"

 

"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."

 

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

 

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"

 

The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."

 

The businessman said "ok" and off they went.

 

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

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The old bull and the young bull were standing at the top of a hill, overlooking the field of cows. The young bull says to the old bull "why don't we run down there and fuck one of those cows." The old bull replies "why don't we walk down there and fuck them all."

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A public Unionized worker, a Tea-Partier, and a CEO are sitting at a table. In the middle of the table are a dozen cookies. The CEO reaches over and takes 11 of the cookies, turns to the Tea Partier and says: "Watch out for that union guy-he wants a piece of your cookie."

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A public Unionized worker, a Tea-Partier, and a CEO are sitting at a table. In the middle of the table are a dozen cookies. The CEO reaches over and takes 11 of the cookies, turns to the Tea Partier and says: "Watch out for that union guy-he wants a piece of your cookie."

What????????????????????????????????????

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IMPORTANT HEALTH ADVICE FOR WOMEN

 

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

 

Do you suffer from shyness?

 

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

 

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Sauvignon Blanc. Sauvignon Blanc is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

 

You will notice the benefits of Sauvignon Blanc almost immediately and, with a regime of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Sauvignon Blanc may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

 

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

 

WARNINGS:

* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

 

* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

 

* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may cause you to think you can sing.

 

* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

 

Please feel free to share this important information with as many women as you feel may benefit!

 

Now just imagine what you could achieve with a good Pinot Noir!

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As a bagpiper, I have played many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

 

 

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

 

 

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

 

 

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

 

 

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.

 

 

I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

 

 

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

 

 

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

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A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

 

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

 

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

 

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship."

 

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

 

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say "Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

 

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!"

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He left home about 8:30 a.m. to do some boat work at the yard with his friends. On the way out the door he answered his wife's "what time will you be home?" question with "probably about 1:30, I'll have lunch at the yacht club."

 

1:30 came & went, 3:00 passed, 6:15, still not home, finally at about 7:00 pm he rolls in the driveway, and presents his wife with a pizza, and begins the apologetic story.

 

"I finished cleaning the boat about 11:30, had lunch, and I started home, when alongside the road I saw this attractive girl with a flat tire on her car. I stopped to help, got the tire changed, and looked around for a place to wash my hands. She offered money, but I refused, so she suggested that I at least allow her to buy me a beer. She said there's a tavern just up the road, and they have a restroom, you can clean up a bit. I agreed to stop, we had a beer, then another beer, then a couple more, and I realized that this girl was not only pretty, she was very friendly, and a good companion to spend time with. Before I knew it, we were in the motel next door having sex. And that is why I am so late getting home."

 

His wife looked him right in the eye and said "don't lie to me;

 

YOU WENT SAILING, DIDN'T YOU?"

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New Home Security System

 

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

 

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

 

3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

 

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

 

"Bubba,

 

Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls. They got the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

 

Better wait outside. Be right back.

 

“Cooter"

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Little Johnny asks his mother her age.

 

She replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

 

Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.

 

Again his mother replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

 

The boy then asks, "Why did Daddy leave you?"

 

To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and sends him to his room.

 

On the way, Johnny trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.

 

Johnny runs back into the room. "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and Daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!"

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Why are women built 10% smarter than cows? So they don't shit on the floor when you squeeze their teats.

 

FUCK YOU SOL!!! Did you know that diet coke burns when expelled through the nostrils?

That is nothing compared to the price I will pay for posting that joke.

 

 

How much coke can Charlie Sheen do?

 

Enough to kill two and a half men.

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A Great Aussie Love Story,

 

 

 

almost equal to Romeo and Juliet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gazza is driving over the WestGateBridge one day when he sees his

 

Girlfriend Shazza about to throw herself off.

 

Gazza slams on the brakes and yells:

 

'Shazza what the hell d'ya think ya doin'?'

 

Shazza turns around with a tear in her eye and says:

 

'G'day Gazza. You got me preggas, so now I'm gonna kill meself

 

Gazza gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.

 

'Jeez Shazza', he says

 

'Fair dinkum not only are ya a top root

 

 

 

 

 

 

but you're a real sport too'

 

 

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A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

 

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

 

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.'

 

'I had no Monet

to buy Degas

to make the Van Gogh.'

 

See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.

 

I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse...

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apologies if it has been posted before

 

 

WORLD WAR III IN THE PLANNING STAGES

 

Former President Bush and VP Cheney are sitting in a bar.

 

A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush and Cheney sitting over there?'

 

The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'

 

So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?'

 

Bush says, 'We're planning WW III.'

 

The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

 

Cheney says, 'Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.'

 

The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits?

 

Why kill a blonde with big tits?'

 

Cheney turns to Bush and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims.

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Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

 

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

 

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

 

******************************************************************

 

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

 

The man said, "I do, Father."

 

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

 

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

 

"Certainly, Father," the man replied.

 

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

 

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

 

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

 

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

 

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

 

****************************************************************

Paddy was in New York.

 

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

 

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

 

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

 

************************************************************

 

 

 

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

 

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

 

"Just water," says the priest.

 

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

 

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

 

***************************************************************

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

 

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie , "And how did this one end?"

 

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees."

 

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

 

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

 

*************************************************************

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

 

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

 

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

 

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

 

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

 

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

 

Patton said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

 

"Well," Kathleen said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

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THE PERFECT HUSBAND

 

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a

bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to

talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

 

MAN: "Hello"

 

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

 

MAN: "Yes."

 

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's

only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

 

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

 

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I

saw one I really liked."

 

MAN: "How much?"

 

WOMAN: "$90,000."

 

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

 

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and

found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're

asking $980,000 for it."

 

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably

take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you

really want."

 

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

 

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up.

 

The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths

wide open.

 

He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"

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A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure'?

 

A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favour of work.

A Captain said it was 50%-50%.

A lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

 

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion.

 

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure." The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why? "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

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A small zoo in Mississippi obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.

 

Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

 

Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00? Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions.

 

1. "First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."

The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

 

2. "Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this."

The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

 

3. "Third", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

 

4. And last of all, Bobby Lee stated "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.00."

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Q and A

 

 

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

 

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

 

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

 

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

 

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

 

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

 

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

 

A: What did your last slave die of?

 

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

 

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .

Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not

... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

 

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

 

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

 

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

 

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

 

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

 

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...

oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

 

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )

 

A: You are a British politician, right?

 

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

 

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.

Milk is illegal.

 

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

 

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.

All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

 

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

 

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.

You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

 

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )

 

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

 

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male popula tion? ( Italy )

 

A: Yes, gay night clubs.

 

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

 

A: Only at Christmas.

 

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )

 

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..

 

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

 

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

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Each Friday night after work Billy Bob would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Billy Bob's neighbors were Catholic, and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

 

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

 

The Priest came to visit Billy Bob and suggested that he become a Catholic.

 

After several classes and much study, Billy Bob attended Mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

 

Billy Bob's neighbors were greatly relieved until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

 

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and as he rushed into Billy Bob's yard clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

 

There stood Billy Bob clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz boan a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."

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It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a couple are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a loose-fitting, spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing jeans and a T-shirt.

 

As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes mad. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand, he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

 

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny, and suggests that his wife teases the poor creature some more. He gets her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at the ape, and play along. She does, and the Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

 

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and the Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

 

"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him," he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and he starts doing flips. With that, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.

 

"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

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There are 3 men, they are talking about how they have short body parts

 

the first goes, "i have the shotest arms!"

 

the second says, "well i have the shortest legs!"

 

then the third says, "i have the shortest penis"

 

so they go down to the Guiness World record place and the first comes out and says he does have the shortest arms

 

second comes out too and says he does have the shortest legs

 

the third comes out and says, "WHO THE F*** IS JUSTIN BIEBER?"

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  • 2 weeks later...

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.

I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did.

 

 

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death.

 

 

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."

"f*ck that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

 

 

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"

The operator says how do you know?

He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

 

 

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on.

I said "You're pulling my leg"

 

 

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker.

Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

 

 

What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

One’s a superhero and the other is an instruction.

 

 

An old lady is being examined by the Dr. He asks have you ever been bedridden?

she says yes I have and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too

 

 

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse!

Do you think I should change dentists?

 

 

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

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Would you believe a liar if he admitted he were a liar?

 

If ignorance is bliss, why isn't Jersey Shore ecstatic?

 

If 2% of the world's oil is cut off because of civil war, why is my gas price jumping 10%?

 

How do they signal the Batman on a clear night?

 

If you build a summer camp for ADHD children and its focus is helping the kids to pay attention, is it a concentration camp?

 

If all Muslims are terrorists, are all Catholics pedophiles?

 

Do African Jews have a Black Sabbath?

 

Since strippers are known as "exotic dancers," are drug dealers "exotic pharmacists?"

 

Do crematoria give discounts to burn victims?

 

Egyptians without internet: Gyptians?

 

...

 

If actions speak louder than words, why is the pen mightier than the sword?

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If size doesn't mattter.... why are there no 4" dildos??

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Myneighbours, two cute young lesbians, asked me what I would likefor my birthday.

 

 

Iwas quite surprised, when they gave me a Timex!

It was very nice of them, butI'm pretty sure that they misunderstood me, when I said: "I wanna watch!"

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A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress,

 

walked into a bar in Dublin .

 

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge,

 

hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people

 

sitting at the bar and asked,

 

"What man here will buy a woman drink?"

 

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

 

But down at the end of the bar,

 

an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down

 

on the counter and bellowed,

 

"Give the ballerina a drink!"

 

The bartender poured the drink,

 

and the woman chugged it down.

 

She turned to the patrons and again

 

pointed around at all of them,

 

revealing the same hairy armpit,

 

and asked,

 

"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

 

Once again,

 

the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar

 

and said,

 

"Give the ballerina another drink!"

 

The bartender approached the little drunk and said,

 

"Tell me, Paddy,

 

it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink,

 

but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

 

The drunk replied,

 

"Any woman who can lift her leg that high

 

has got to be a ballerina!"

 

 

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A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

 

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

 

The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

 

"From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor."

 

"No, from all that skipping."

 

 

 

and....

 

Three woman and their children were outside their psychiatrist's office. The wily old doctor was able to diagnose any complaint after asking the patient a few questions. The first woman went in and the doctor asked her a few questions and proclaimed: "Madam, all you ever think is food! That is why you named you daughter Candy!"

 

"Why," exclaimed the woman, "you're absolutely right, doctor!"

 

Then it was the second woman's turn. She got the same treatment and the doctor pronounced: "Madam, you're obsessed with the thought of money. That is why you named you daughter Penny!"

 

"You're right, doctor!" exclaimed the second woman and left.

 

The third woman, who had been listening to all this, got up indignantly and said: "What rubbish! I don't believe a single word you said. Obsessions indeed!"

 

Then waving to her little son to follow her, she said: "Let's go home now Dick."

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These two fellas from Brooklyn are out hunting in the woods, Sal and Vinnie, when poor Sal falls to the ground clutching his chest and stops moving. Vinnie of course whips out his cell phone and calls 911 [fire/police/ambulance in the USA]. The operator asks what the emergency is, whereupon Vinnie says, "My friend's just fallen over dead!" The operator responds, "OK. Please remain calm. First, we have to make sure he's dead..." Vinnie interrupts, "OK, hold on." The emergency operator hears silence, then there's the sound of a gunshot. Vinnie comes back on the phone and says, "OK. Now what?"

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OK, so there's this young Native American boy who goes to his mother and asks, "Mama, how did you come up with my name?" His mother answers:"Well, as you know, it's our custom that after giving birth, when healthy enough to leave the birthing teepee, we mommies go out and look around. The first thing we really take notice of, that's what we name our child. And that's why your sister is called Lilly of the Field and your brother is named Two Tall Oaks. So, why do you ask, my little Two Deers Fucking in the Woods?"

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A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

 

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands

Bob, the next-door neighbour.

 

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I've got $800 in my hand and I will

give it to you if you will drop that towel."

 

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel

and stands blushingly naked in front of Bob.

 

After a few seconds of admiration, Bob gives a low

WOW, hands her the $800 and leaves.

 

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

 

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door

neighbour," she replies.

 

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

 

 

Ah its good to be Bob

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OK, so there's this young Native American boy who goes to his mother and asks, "Mama, how did you come up with my name?" His mother answers:"Well, as you know, it's our custom that after giving birth, when healthy enough to leave the birthing teepee, we mommies go out and look around. The first thing we really take notice of, that's what we name our child. And that's why your sister is called Lilly of the Field and your brother is named Two Tall Oaks. So, why do you ask, my little Two DeersDOGS Fucking in the Woods?"

 

Fucking sacrilege!! It's "Two Dogs" all over the world. Lotsa blokes have that as nicknames down under.

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OK, so there's this young Native American boy who goes to his mother and asks, "Mama, how did you come up with my name?" His mother answers:"Well, as you know, it's our custom that after giving birth, when healthy enough to leave the birthing teepee, we mommies go out and look around. The first thing we really take notice of, that's what we name our child. And that's why your sister is called Lilly of the Field and your brother is named Two Tall Oaks. So, why do you ask, my little Two DeersDOGS Fucking in the Woods?"

 

Fucking sacrilege!! It's "Two Dogs" all over the world. Lotsa blokes have that as nicknames down under.

 

I know 2 Two Dogs!

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.... Two DeersDOGS Fucking in the Woods?"

 

Fucking sacrilege!! It's "Two Dogs" all over the world. Lotsa blokes have that as nicknames down under.

 

Sorry, I wasn't drinking at the time.

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Barack Obama - The first black man that has ever had to convince the world he did do the killing.

 

***

 

10 years. Trillions of dollars. Thousands of soldiers dead. State of the art technology. The US finally found Bin Laden.

 

In his house.

 

***

 

Apparently, Bin Laden had a 25 million dollar price tag on his head.

 

What kind of ridiculous, designer turban was he wearing?

 

***

 

Even though we both speak the same language, it's amazing how there are some subtle differences between American-English and proper English:

 

They say "sidewalk" we say "pavement"

 

They say "pants" we say "trousers"

 

They say "buried at sea" we say "naked and chained to a metal bed frame with a car battery connected to his bollocks whilst being beaten for answers".

 

***

 

I've just got back from a deep sea fishing trip with my mate.

We didn't catch much, just a burst blow up doll with a beard drawn on it.

 

***

 

You sure Osama Bin Laden is dead?

 

I'm sure he just drove me to the airport.

 

***

 

Osama Bin Laden made a big mistake using his wife as a human shield when the US Navy Seals raided his compound.

 

What he should have done is borrowed mine, they would have never spotted him hiding behind that fat fucker.

 

***

 

 

Just watching the new series of Deadliest Catch on Discovery Channel.

 

This should be interesting...

 

***

 

President Obama has decided to withhold footage of Bin Laden being killed on the basis that: "The graphic nature of the photos would cause great distress to the public."

 

Seriously, I think if we can handle 2 Girls 1 Cup, we can handle the sight of a towelhead being shot in the face.

 

***

 

Osama was found: talk Abbotabad place to hide!

 

***

 

"You look like a million dollars" said the marine, scooping up 4% of Osama bin Laden's head.

 

***

 

I'm never going to smoke cannabis before I scuba-dive ever again.

I could have sworn I just saw Osama bin Laden floating past.

 

***

 

My thoughts at this sad time are with Osama's virgin sister, Neva Bin Laden.

 

***

 

After Bin Laden was buried at sea, the Americans have hired a lifeguard ...

 

Just to make sure he's not bombing in the deep end.

 

***

 

Bin Laden's death is great and all, but more importantly, what dress was he wearing?

 

***

 

I'm sick of the US media constantly confusing Osama and Obama.

 

Clearly one is the Muslim leader of the largest terror organisation in the world, and the other is lying at the bottom of the ocean.

 

 

***

 

Tonight there are 72 virgins saying, "Oh, hell no!"

 

***

 

 

If you can't think of a joke right now then you're a terrorist.

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Superman is flying around one day and he’s feeling kinda horny.

So he finds Batman sitting on top of a building and drops down to ask him where the best place to get laid is.

 

 

Batman proceeds to tell him that Wonder Woman is a great lay.

Superman then tells him that he couldn’t do that to her because they have been friends for too long and he flies away.

Superman then sees Spider-man swinging around and flies next to him while he’s swinging and asks him who the best piece of ass is.

Spider-man tells him that he hears Wonder Woman is good and tells him to look her up.

Disgruntled Superman takes to the air and flies about.

He then notices Wonder Woman lying in a field naked and spread Eagle. He thinks I’m faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of that so fast she’ll never know what hit her. So, he flies down does his business and id 4 seconds he’s back in the air flying away.

Wonder Woman looks up and says “What was that?”

Invisible Man says: “I don’t know but my ass hurts!”

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My link

 

click the link and watch an old video .....a blonde on the dating game TV show

 

 

Now THAT is just fuckin' classic!

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A 20-year-old Jewish girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for 2 months and is pregnant.

 

Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

 

Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house.

 

He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl and tells them, "Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take responsibility. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."

 

"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami and a $1,000,000 bank account."

 

"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account."

 

"However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?"

 

All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

 

 

 

"So, you'll try again."

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Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, so try this one:

 

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, an American, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an African, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist, a Christian, and an atheist went to a night Club.

 

The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."

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The Haircut

 

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about

his bill, and the barber replied, "I cannot accept money from you, I'mdoing

community service this week" The florist was pleased and left the shop.When the

barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and

a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

 

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the

barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you , I'm doingcommunity

service this week." The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morningwhen

the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts

waiting for him at his door.

 

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the

barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community

service this week." The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. Thenext

morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined

up waiting for a free haircut.

 

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the

citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

 

BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

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  • 2 weeks later...

pon entering the confessional, a young women spilled the beans, admitting: "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me, seven times."

 

The priest thought long and hard, then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass, then drink it."

 

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

 

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe the smile off your face."

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There was a man rowing on the Thames and one of his oars slipped over the side. He spotted a man being rowed by two ladies, each with a set of oars rowing in unison. He hollered over, "'Ey Mate, lend me one of your oars." The other guy hollered back, "These ain't 'hores, these is me wife and sister."

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There was a man rowing on the Thames and one of his oars slipped over the side. He spotted a man being rowed by two ladies, each with a set of oars rowing in unison. He hollered over, "'Ey Mate, lend me one of your oars." The other guy hollered back, "These ain't 'hores, these is me wife and sister."

 

And on a similar note:

 

A bride and groom exited the church and passed under a tunnel of crossed oars held up by their fellow rowing club mates.

A little girl and her mother happened to be passing the church and upon observing the tunnel, the little girl said to her mother "Gee Mum, look at all them oars"

The mother replied "hush dear, they's not oars, they's bridesmaids"

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'Lawyer with a heart'

 

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

 

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

 

He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'

 

'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'

 

'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.

 

'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.'

 

'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.

 

Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us, also.'

 

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'

 

'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered

 

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

 

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind.'

'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

 

The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.

 

The grass is almost a foot high.'

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During these serious and trying times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:

 

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as G-d’s chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize Christ as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.

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Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive

double-panel energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the

contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had

been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellllloooooo

just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

 

So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year,

that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

 

Hellllooooooo?

 

It's been a year! I told him.

 

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just

hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot!!

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Two older gentlemen are sitting on a park bench chatting away. The first one says to the other:

"So Ralph, what did you do before you retired?"

Ralph says "I owned a tailor shop. It was destroyed by a fire. I had enough of the BS at that point, business was slow, so I decided I'd take the insurance money and just retire. How about you Frank, what did you do?"

Frank says "I was in business also. I owned an appliance repair shop. It was destroyed by a flood. Like you, business was dropping off, so I also decided I'd take the insurance money and retire."

Ralph says "A flood??? Holy shit.... Tell me, how do you start a flood?'

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As my Dad gets older:

 

An inspiring senior........

 

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither

 

Harold Schlumberg is such a person:

 

QUOTE FROM HAROLD:

 

"I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?'

 

Well, I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and vodka into urine. I do it every day and I really enjoy it."

 

Harold should be an inspiration to us all.

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A twenty-year-old woman became pregnant for the first time and, whilst pleased to be having the beginnings of a family, she abhorred ill mannered and inconsiderate children and was terrified that her child would turn out that way.

 

She went to her church and asked the pastor how she could ensure that her child would grow up to be well mannered and considerate of others.

 

The pastor was somewhat unhelpful but eventually suggested that while she was pregnant she should pray each day that her new child should be born with the required attributes.

 

This she did and was happy!

 

One day in mid-term she went to her doctor, who decided she was a bit large and ordered an ultrasound, which revealed she was about to have twins.

 

The woman was terribly upset, as she had only been praying for one baby to be borne with good manners and consideration for others.

 

Back to the pastor she went! His solution consisted of quadrupling the quantity of prayer to overcome the shortfall in the first half of her pregnancy. (Readers will realise that quadruplication was in excess of the requirement to provide the second baby with the coverage of prayer that the first already had received – don’t worry about it!)

 

The woman did as advised and prayed morning, noon and evening, and set the alarm each night so she would wake up for the fourth session of prayer.

 

The pregnancy continued to full term but no issue ensued.

 

After waiting two weeks the doctor ordered imaging that showed that both babies were perfectly well and that she should wait for the inevitable.

 

The babies remained healthy in the womb and with each investigation, the doctor determined that all was well and waiting was the order of the day.

 

This went on for many years, until the woman eventually died of natural causes at ninety years of age but still healthily pregnant.

 

The original doctor’s successors were ready in the operating theatre when she died and performed a caesarean section to find out what was happening with the babies.

 

As they opened the womb they heard little voices and observed two wizened little men saying:

 

“After you …..”

 

“Oh, no! I insist, after you …..”

 

“Oh please brother; you first!”

 

“It would please me greatly if you went first!”

 

“Oh, I just couldn’t. Please! You go first!” …………………………………..

 

 

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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I

stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

 

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and

beat you with experience.

 

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not

screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

 

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing

in a garage makes you a car.

 

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

 

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear

bright until you hear them speak.

 

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

 

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

 

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

 

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it

in a fruit salad.

 

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the

cheese.

 

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then

proceed to tell you why it isn't.

 

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is

research.

 

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a

train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

 

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes

a whole box to start a campfire?

 

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but

you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

 

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they

can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

 

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

 

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that

you don't need it.

 

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an

emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

 

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

 

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said

"Implants?"

 

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion

stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

 

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the

street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

 

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president

and 50 for Miss America ?

 

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a

successful man is usually another woman.

 

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

 

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute

to skydive twice.

 

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

 

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

 

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way

that you will look forward to the trip.

 

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if

you wish they were.

 

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live

with.

 

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured

by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

 

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

 

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so

they can't get away.

 

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

 

I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and

a shot of tequila.

 

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire

Department usually uses water.

 

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

 

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you

hit the target.

 

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

 

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no

imagination whatsoever.

 

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as

when you are in it.

 

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people

have more than one child?

 

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

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Barack and Michelle are at the White Sox game.

Sitting in the first row with the Secret Service people directly behind them, one of The Secret Service guys leans forward and says something to the president. Barack stares at the guy, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head violently.

The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request, from the owner of the team down to the bat boy. And...the fans would love it!"

So, Barack shrugs his shoulders and says, "If that's what the people want."

He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, and drops her right over the wall into the field. She gets up kicking, swearing, and screaming -- and the crowd goes wild, cheering, applauding.

Barack is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says, "You were right, I would have never believed that!"

Then noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks what is wrong.

The agent replies, "Sir, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH!"

 

 

Yes the same joke has been told about every POTUS since the dawn of baseball, it's still funny.

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