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I just got back from a footy trip with the boys (no wives or girlfriends permitted on tour)

The wife asked me if I ever thought about her while away on the trip.

Apparently 'Only to stop myself from coming' was not the right answer

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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for th

One sunny day in late January 2021, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,

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After the Canuck's 8-1 loss in Boston, Luongo reportedly attempted to commit suicide. He apparently jumped in front of a bus but it went through his legs.

 

Tim Hortons is now offering a new coffee called the Canuck. It comes without a cup.

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1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

 

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

 

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

 

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

 

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

 

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

 

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

 

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

 

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

 

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

 

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

 

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

 

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

 

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

 

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

 

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

 

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

 

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

 

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

 

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

 

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

 

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

 

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

 

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

 

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

 

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

 

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

 

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

 

29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

 

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

 

 

Words of Wisdom

"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."

~ Jon Hammond

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Theyoung gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man,have you ever danced?"

Theold man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance..Never really wanted to."

 

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, youold fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man'sfeet.

 

Theold prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping aroundlike a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

 

Whenhis last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holsteredhis gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

 

Theold man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, andcocked both hammers.

 

Theloud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

 

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

 

Theyoung gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

 

Thecrowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gapingholes of those twin barrels.

 

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietlysaid, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ar$e?"

 

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... But... I've alwayswanted to."

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Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

 

Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

 

"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.

 

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"

 

She smiles and they start kissing.

 

Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

 

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts.

 

"Pierre!! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie.

 

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"

 

She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up.

 

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!"

 

Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.

 

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT THE %&^% DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

 

Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"

 

 

 

A young woman in Sydney was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself from the Harbour Bridge She went down to the Bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the bridge, crying.

 

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

 

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

 

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

 

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

 

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me.

 

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Manly Ferry."

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Bin Laden the Truth about his death!

 

 

 

 

Here's the truth............

 

 

Imagine living with 3 wives in one compound and never leaving the house for 5 years - It is now believed that Bin Laden called the US Navy Seals himself.

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The Old Dying Priest

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In Canberra an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital.

 

He motioned for his nurse to come near.

 

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see Prime Minister and the Treasurer before I die", whispered the priest.

 

"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to Parliament and waited for a response.

 

Soon the word arrived; Prime Minister Julia Gillard and Treasurer Wayne Swan would be delighted to visit the priest.

 

As they went to the hospital, Julia commented to Wayne,

 

"I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly will help our images and might even get me re-elected Prime Minister. After all, ...I'm IN IT TO WIN IT".

 

Wayne agreed that it was a good thing.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Julia’s hand in his right hand and Wayne’s hand in his left.

 

There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

 

Finally Julia Gillard spoke.

 

"Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

 

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."

 

"Amen", said Julia . "Amen", said Wayne.

 

The old priest continued,

 

"Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same."

 

 

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give it to the next election!

Fock, it's just a joke, little Johnny's our PRIME MINISTER jeff, I had to use Tony.

 

(that's as close as you'll get for Aussie politics too)

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Subject: Fw: My new doctor

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I went to the doctor ' s office the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female; drop-dead gorgeous!

 

 

 

 

I was embarrassed but she said, "Don ' t worry, I ' m a professional - I ' ve seen it all before.

Just tell me what ' s wrong and I ' ll check it out ."

I said, "my wife thinks my dick tastes funny..."

 

 

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Your wife's photograph in your wallet reminds you that in her place there once was a bunch of money.

 

There are days when you get to be the pigeon, but there are days when you get to be the statue the pigeon shits on.

 

To be in love is like pissing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.

 

We should be thankful for Christopher Columbus. If it weren't for him all the American's would have populated Europe.

 

The economic crisis is worse than divorce. You still lose half your money but you get to keep the wife.

 

Buy blue bed sheets from China and you too can become an Avatar overnight.

 

True happiness is found in the little things in life: a little mansion, a little yacht, a little bit of inheritance.

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Man Flu - The Facts...

 

1. Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable scientific fact*.

*(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)

 

2. Man-Flu is not 'just a cold'. It is a condition so severe that the germs from a single Man-Flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of people living in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too.

 

3. Women do not contract Man-Flu. At worst they suffer from what is medically recognised as a 'Mild Girly Sniffle' – which, if a man caught, he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half and compete in all other kinds of manly activities.

 

4. Men do not 'moan' when they have Man-Flu. They emit involuntary groans of agony that are entirely in proportion to the unbearable pain they are in.

 

5. Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place much quicker if their simple requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of tea are met. Is that really so much to ask? Florence Nightingale would have done it.

 

6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots of other things. (Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast).

 

7. Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed and come to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful condition amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense, they are the greatest heroes this country has ever known.

 

8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonising symptoms of full blown Man-Flu in a female chimp. She became so ill that her head literally fell off.

 

9. Man-Flu germs are more powerful than He-Man, The Thundercats and The A-Team combined. They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting 'lady medicines' like Lemsip, so don't bother trying to force them on a victim of Man-Flu.

 

10. While it may seem like a Man-Flu sufferer is just lying around enjoying 'Diagnosis Murder' it is a commonly recognised medical fact that the exact pitch and frequency of Dick Van Dyke's voice has remarkable soothing powers.

 

Every minute in this country one man is struck down by Man-Flu. Women, all we ask is that each of you offers them a cup of tea, some kind words and your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just maybe, we'll beat this monstrous disease together...

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A man walked out to the street and caught a cab just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"

 

Passenger: "Who?"

 

Cabbie: "Brian . He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian, every single time."

 

 

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

 

 

Cabbie: "Not Brian . He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

 

 

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

 

 

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian, he could do everything right."

 

 

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

 

 

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian ..."

 

 

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

 

 

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his

F****ing' widow."

__________________

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Are any of you in sales?..........

 

 

This guy is standing on busy Main Street asking every girl that walks by, "Do you wanna fuck?" and each one is slapping him in the face. A pal of his comes walking up unnoticed and he watches this for a few minutes in astonishment.

 

Finally he walks up to his pal and says, "Man, with that approach you sure get slapped a lot!"

 

And his pal said, "I also get laid a lot!"

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  • 2 weeks later...

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said: ‘It’s golf balls’. Nevertheless, the blond continued to look at him for a long time, thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked: ‘Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?’

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  • 2 weeks later...

A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

 

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Is this a repeat?

 

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.

Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

 

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

 

His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

 

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie."

Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

 

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

 

"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be f*cked if he needed glasses

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Is this a repeat?

 

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.

Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

 

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

 

His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

 

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie."

Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

 

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

 

"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be f*cked if he needed glasses

 

 

worth a re-read if it was +1

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Nick and Paddy went to the unemployment office.

 

When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs...'

 

The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it

classified as unskilled labour, he gave him $80 a week unemployment pay.

 

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'

 

Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 a week.

 

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to

find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

 

 

The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel

Fitters are skilled labour.'

 

'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs,

then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'

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Harold had a week off and decided to play golf every day.

 

Monday morning, he found himself paired with an attractive woman, Annette, who turned out to be a very good golfer.

 

They started with a few casual bets, but by the back nine it was a full-blown competition.

 

On the 18th green, Annette sank her long birdie putt for the win. Harold congratulated her and paid off his losses.

 

Annette asked for a ride home and, on the way, told him, 'You know, Harold, I haven't enjoyed myself so much on the golf course in a long time. In fact, pull over so I can express my appreciation.'

 

He did, they kissed, and one thing led to another and soon she gave him the best oral sex he'd ever had.

 

The next morning, they met again on the first tee and played together again. They had another magnificent day, Enjoying each other's company and playing tight, competitive golf.

 

Again Annette beat him, but she also showed her appreciation on the drive home.

 

This went on all week, with Harold narrowly losing every day, his male ego bruised, but not unhappy.

 

On Friday's drive home, Harold said, 'Annette, you've been great to be with all this week and tonight I'd like to return the favour. I made reservations at the best restaurant in town for us and reserved the penthouse suite at the best hotel. What do you say?'

 

Annette burst into tears. 'I can't!'

 

'What? Why not?' he asked.

 

'Because,' she sobbed, 'I'm in the middle of a sex change and the doctor hasn't completed that part of me yet!'

 

'What?!' Aghast, Harold swerved off the road, screeched to a stop and cursed madly, overcome with emotion.

 

'I'm so sorry,' says Annette, 'You have a right to be angry with me.'

 

'You bastard!' Harold screamed, his face bright red. 'You cheating bastard! All week long you've been playing off the women's tees!'

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This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”

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Did we see this one yet?

 

A man owns a struggling night club and decides he needs to do live music to get the patrons back so he advertises for auditions in the local paper.

 

On audition night only one bloke turns up and he looks quite horrid. Hair all over the place, dressed very scruffily and has 2 different types of shoes on.

 

Given that he made the effort to come in, the nightclub owner allows him to perform. The scruffy man gets behind the piano and belts out this quite amazing tune.

 

The nightclub owner is blown away "That was amazing! What do you call that tune?"

 

"I call that one slap me b*tch to the ground and f*ck her up the ar$e" states the scruffy bloke.

 

"Ok" says the nightclub owner, "can you play me another".

 

The scruffy bloke belts out another tune and its even better than the first.

 

"WOW" says the nightclub owner, "what do you call that one".

 

"I call that one sliding me c*ck in and out of ya tits"

 

The nighclub owner informs the bloke that he has the gig but only on one condition. That he doesn't tell the audience the names of his songs.

 

Opening night and the scruffy bloke is quite nervous but he plays his first set and it brings the house down. He has busty girls flocking aroung him as he belts out one great tune after another.

 

During his break he goes to the mens room and feeling a tad toey after seeing all the hot chicks in the audience he decides to have a pull.

 

As he leaves the bathroom he walks down the hall and this attractive lady stops him and says "excuse me, do you know your fly is undone, your c*ck is hanging out and you've got cum on your boots"??

 

To which the man replies with excitement "Know it, I f*ckin wrote it"!!

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NEVER ASSUME!

 

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

 

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

 

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

 

'Why?' asked the pilot.

 

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN', he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

 

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment.

 

Finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is .. . .. You're NOT my flight instructor?'

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A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light.

 

The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward

the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

 

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation

 

The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's

ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.

 

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

 

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an AH

in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket.

He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature.

 

The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the AH and

demands to know what it stands for.

 

The officer says, That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!

 

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

 

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.

 

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks;

 

Officer is this areasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my

client?

 

Officer responds, Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature

and mine, same number at the top.

 

Lawyer:Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this

ticket you don't normally make?

 

Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an AH,underlined.

 

What does the AH stand for, officer?

 

Aggressive and hostile, Sir.

 

Aggressive and hostile?

 

Yes, Sir.”

 

Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?

 

“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”

 

 

How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client.

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It's alphabet time in the second grade and Little Johnnie is in the class. His teacher doesn't want to call on him, if at all possible,'for all the usual reasons. Alright children, who can give me a word beginning with"A". All the kids raise their hands, Johnnie along with them. "Mary, what do you have?" Apple, replies Mary. "Good", says the teacher, "B". Again all the kids raise their hands Johnnie most fervently. The teacher ignores him, knowing he'll have something like bastard or bitch. "Nathan, what's your word?" "Basket", replies Nathan. So it goes until they reach the letter R. Johnnie is by this time approaching apoplexy he's so excited. The teacher cannot think of ansingle nasty word beginning with R, so she calls on Little Johnnie. "Rats!" bellows Johnnie. The teacher begins to breathe a sigh of relief. "Big Fucking Rats with Cocks Six Inches Long "

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With time, women gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy.

 

 

Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, Good grief, look how smart I am!

 

Must be where the term 'Smart Ass' came from!

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With time, women gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy.

 

 

Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, Good grief, look how smart I am!

 

Must be where the term 'Smart Ass' came from!

 

Please don't update your photo :ph34r:

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Geordie Salesmen on missionary work in Northern France

 

A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

 

The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"

 

The young man answered "Aye, man, I was a canny salesman back in

Newcastle like."

 

The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job.

 

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

 

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

 

The Geordie said "Just the one, Gaffa."

 

The manager groaned ..."Just one?

 

Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?

 

"£124,237.64" replied the Geordie.

 

The manager choked and exclaimed "£124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?"

 

"Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod.

 

Then I asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he would need a booat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the new 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"

 

"Ner, nah......he came in here to buy a box of Tampax for his missus like and I said ''Well, since ya weekend's buggered, ya might as well be gan fishin..."

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O.K.

 

so this means

 

 

Juliar is smarter than we all think ?

 

Well, OA's current photo is smokin hot, I would rather see that than an updated Photo of her accumulated wisdom & knowledge (aka a massive ass).

 

Re Juliar - Yes what a Joke hey, best living example (apart from myself at times).

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Re Juliar - Yes what a Joke hey, best living example (apart from myself at times).

 

errr...not to cast nasturtiums Mr BK...but does this mean you are a fat arsed, clueless ranga? it's unclear to me what you are saying there :P

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Re Juliar - Yes what a Joke hey, best living example (apart from myself at times).

 

errr...not to cast nasturtiums Mr BK...but does this mean you are a fat arsed, clueless ranga? it's unclear to me what you are saying there :P

 

:lol:

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Re Juliar - Yes what a Joke hey, best living example (apart from myself at times).

 

errr...not to cast nasturtiums Mr BK...but does this mean you are a fat arsed, clueless ranga? it's unclear to me what you are saying there

 

:lol:

:blink:

Jeez guys I just cut & pasted an email!

But they do get ever so excited at the thought of your butt! :P:D:unsure:

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Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric hotline....

 

If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, Please press #1 repeatedly.

If you are Co-Dependant, Please ask someone to press #2.

If you have Multiple Personalities, Please press #3,4,5 and 6.

If you are Paranoid-Delusional, We Know who You are and what You want,

Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are Manic-Depressive, it doesn't matter which number you push, No one will answer your call.

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Hello, you've reached the Fairfax Co. Suicide Prevention Hotline.

No one is here to take your call at the moment so..uhh ... Go right ahead.

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The son of a sheep herder tried from the time he was 10 to go on sheep herd with his dad and his dad's crew. Every year his dad would tell him he wasn't ready yet. This went on until he turned 14 when his dad let him join the team. About a week into the herding operation the men were starting to get restless around the camp fire until one night the boy noticed one of the crew go off into the herd and come back 15 minutes later zipping up his pants. This puzzled him as a few more men did the same thing that night. The next night the same thing happened again and the third night he had to ask what was going on.

 

His dad told him that this was why he had to wait until he was older to go on sheep herd. He further explained that the men were lonely and going into the herd, picking a female and having sex with it. The son was appalled and refused to believe his dad but the others all concurred and suggested the son try it before having an opinion. The son refused night after night amid much ribbing. The son told the men he was convinced it was just an elaborate joke being played on him and that they would all laugh at him when he returned. They assured the son they were dead serious and wouldn't laugh.

 

After a few more nights it appeared to the son that indeed the men were doing the sheep and enjoying it immensely. So, he finally gathered his courage and went into the herd to select and mount a sheep. He did this and when he got back to the campfire the men were all laughing hysterically. The son started to cry and became furious until his dad managed to stop laughing long enough to say,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"You picked the ugliest one!"

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as it went unanswered in a thread that might have been the proper place (yet wrong time)

 

I offer:

 

 

what do you get when you combine

 

 

one of these

 

bagpipe160607_468x528.jpg

 

 

with one of these

 

1303346223_5601_full.jpeg

 

 

Something off Swan70's desk for the first correct answer B)

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as it went unanswered in a thread that might have been the proper place (yet wrong time)

 

I offer:

 

 

what do you get when you combine

 

 

one of these

 

 

 

 

with one of these

 

 

 

 

Something off Swan70's desk for the first correct answer B)

 

a pie that can't play music?

 

a pie that can't march in time?

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A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge Heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

 

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

 

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral........I'm a gynecologist".

 

The proctologist fainted.

 

 

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Aussie stockman and his wife had just got married and found a quiet hotel

for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

 

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed."

 

The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

 

The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied,

 

 

 

"Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."

 

 

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Some years ago, in a small coastal Irish community, Paddy married a woman, Maggie, half his age, All was well at first until Maggie took delivery of a 'woman's' magazine and began to read things about sex. It soon became clear that she had never climaxed during sex and, according to her Grandmother, all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while..

To resolve the problem, Paddy and Maggie went to see the Veterinarian since there was no doctor within thirty miles who could be relied upon not to gossip.

However, the Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during hot summers, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. Apparently, this cooled her down and helped her to relax. So he recommended they hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, should cause the young wife to cool down, relax and possibly achieve the sought after climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave a huge bath towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet who suggested she change partners and let the young man have a go while Paddy waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice shouted, "And that, me auld son, is how ya wave a feckin' towel"

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as it went unanswered in a thread that might have been the proper place (yet wrong time)

 

I offer:

 

 

what do you get when you combine

 

 

one of these

 

bagpipe160607_468x528.jpg

 

 

with one of these

 

1303346223_5601_full.jpeg

 

 

Something off Swan70's desk for the first correct answer B)

 

A pied piper.

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as it went unanswered in a thread that might have been the proper place (yet wrong time)

 

I offer:

 

 

what do you get when you combine

 

 

one of these

 

bagpipe160607_468x528.jpg

 

 

with one of these

 

1303346223_5601_full.jpeg

 

 

Something off Swan70's desk for the first correct answer B)

 

 

A pied piper.

 

fixed (don't post in quotes)

 

&

 

Bingo !!!!!!!

 

I'll go check out the Yugo Street-Racer's blog and tell Swan we have a winner :)

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John Smith started the day early having set his

alarm clock

for 6 am

(MADE IN JAPAN).

While his

coffeepot

(MADE IN CHINA)

was perking, he shaved with his

electric razor

(MADE IN HONG KONG).

He put on a

dress shirt

(MADE IN SRI LANKA),

designer jeans

(MADE IN SINGAPORE)

and

tennis shoes

(MADE IN KOREA).

 

After cooking his breakfast in his new

electric skillet

(MADE IN INDIA)

he sat down with his

calculator

(MADE IN MEXICO)

to see how much he could spend today.

After setting his

watch

(MADE IN TAIWAN )

to the radio

(MADE IN INDIA )

he got in his car

(MADE IN GERMANY )

filled it with GAS

(FROM SAUDI ARABIA )

and continued his search

for a good paying

AMERICAN JOB.

 

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day

checking his

Computer

( MADE IN MALAYSIA ),

John decided to relax for a while.

 

He put on his

sandals

(MADE IN BRAZIL ),

poured himself a glass of

wine

(MADE IN FRANCE )

and turned on his

TV

(MADE IN INDONESIA ),

and then wondered why he can't

find a good paying job

in AMERICA.

 

AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM

A PRESIDENT MADE IN KENYA

 

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Only a Farm Kid...

 

 

 

When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different.

 

 

A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse in his Holden ute, and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door

"Is your Dad or your mum home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mum and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment...

 

"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

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An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

 

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: 'Father .... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'

 

The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'

 

'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favours.

 

This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

 

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.

 

However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

 

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind.

 

I do have one more question.'

 

'And what is that?' asked the priest.

 

'Should I tell her the war is over?''

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Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.

 

After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah, Pierre ," asks one, "'ow 'av you been doing?"

 

"Merde!" answers Pierre . "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and onto ze parade ground. "

 

"And zen what 'appened?" enquired his mate.

 

"I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform five ft off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"

 

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

 

"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five feet. Eet is beneath my dignity. "

 

"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.

 

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said "Jurmp. "

 

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

 

"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp ten feet. Eet is beneath my dignity. "

 

"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.

 

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform un'undred feet above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous peenis, and 'e said, 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burm!'"

 

"Sacre Bleu, mon ami" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"

 

"A leetle……… at ze beginning."

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A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a Chinese Businessman, and an Aussie Bricklayer, were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

 

The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those bastards? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'

 

The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I'm losing my patience!'

 

The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money!'

 

The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'

 

'Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

 

George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year. We are forever grateful. We always let them play for free anytime.'

 

The group fell silent for a moment.

 

The Catholic Priest was the first to speak, and said, 'That's so sad. God forgive us. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

 

The Indian Doctor said, 'Vishnu, I repent. Good idea priest. I will also contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'

 

The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I'm writing a cheque at this very moment.

$50,000 to these brave souls.'

 

The Aussie bricklayer said, 'Why can't the bastards play at night?'

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Two Taliban mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

 

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

 

''Yes, I remember him as a baby'' says the other mother cheerfully.

 

"He's a martyr now though" the mother confides. ''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''

 

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''

 

''He's a martyr too'' says the mother quietly. ''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. "He would have been 18'', she whispers.

 

"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school''

 

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

 

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Taliban mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . . "They blow up so fast, don't they?"

 

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did.

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Three women are sitting in a doctors office waiting for their pregnancy test results. The Brunette says, "If I'm pregnant it will be a girl because I was on the bottom." The red head replies,"If I'm pregnant I will have a boy because I was on top." The Blonde stops, thinks a minute and and says, "Then I'm gonna have puppies !"

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I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,

and all the patients were shouting, '13...13...13...13...13.'

 

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.....

 

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick!

 

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

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why is there an angle on tom of the christmas tree?

 

A Christmas Story

 

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.

He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.

Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.

I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

 

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,

Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?

The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.

The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

 

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.

Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.

And just when I thought that things would get better

Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,

They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny

Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

 

And the kids these days--they all are the pits

They want the impossible--Those mean little sh!ts

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds

Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads

I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,

They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!

 

Flying through the air...dodging the trees

Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees

I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment

I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

 

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,

I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season.

 

... santa was in one of these moods, when, trying to cheer him up, into the workshop came an angle with a beautiful christmas tree; "where would you like me to stick this santa?" she asked...

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Language differences among the branches of the armed services:

 

If you tell a member of the Army to secure the building, he will post an armed guard...

 

If you tell a member of the Navy to secure the building, he will turn off the lights and lock the door when leaving for the evening...

 

If you tell a member of the Marines to secure the building, he will gather sufficient troops and assault with superior firepower. There may be very little building left...

 

If you tell a member of the Air Force to secure the building, he will track down the owner and negotiate a 20 year lease...

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A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"

 

After quickly downing his drink, the man replied, "I got home and found my wife having sex with my best friend."

 

"Wow," exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple scotch. "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house."

 

As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him, "What did you do?"

 

"I walked over to my wife," the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out."

 

"That makes sense," said the bartender, "but what about your friend?"

 

The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said, 'BAD DOG!'"

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Engineers' Universal Conversion Table

 

IF YOU NEED TO CONVERT UNITS:

 

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

 

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

 

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

 

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

 

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

 

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

 

7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

 

8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

 

9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

 

10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

 

11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

 

12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

 

13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

 

14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

 

15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

 

16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

 

17. 52 cards = 1 decacards

 

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

 

19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

 

20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

 

21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

 

22. 10 rations = 1 decoration

 

23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

 

24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

 

25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

 

26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

 

Engineers' Universal Conversion Table

 

IF YOU NEED TO CONVERT UNITS:

 

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

 

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

 

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

 

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

 

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

 

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

 

7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

 

8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

 

9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

 

10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

 

11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

 

12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

 

13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

 

14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

 

15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

 

16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

 

17. 52 cards = 1 decacards

 

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

 

19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

 

20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

 

21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

 

22. 10 rations = 1 decoration

 

23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

 

24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

 

25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

 

26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

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We were in the bar tonight celebrating another grand day of boat niggering and everybody had a few in his belly when Alfonso bet Eric he wasn't man enough to take a sip out of the spitoon by the door.

 

On the one hand Eric is not the kind of guy who would back down from a bet, but that spitoon has been there for as long as we all remember and none of us can remember ever seeing it emptied...before tonight.

 

The insults and challenges went back and forth for a few minutes and prety soon it became apparent Irish Eric just might be drunk and proud enough show the wetback who is more macho.

 

That started the "You can have this money if you take a sip" challenges, everybody in the bar got in on it, and pretty soon there was a big stack of bills on the table. It was enough such that counting might need a comma, and as we all know Eric loves money as much as anybody.

Alfonso made a special rule, "You have to hold it away from your lips so we can see it dribble into your mouth."

 

So Eric made his way over to the door, picked up the spittoon, and immediately set it back down as it was really full heavy and smelly and then just when we were all certain Eric was gonna chicken out, he looked at that pile of money, growled at teh wetback and grabbed the spitoon. He whined about how it hurt his back to lift it and put it up above his lips and tentatively tipped the thing as it dribbled in his mouth...

 

But then Eric shocked the shit out of all of us. He put his mouth straight on it tipped it back and started chugging. It must have taken five or six minutes. He drank like a man who had just crawled into the oasis after crossing the desewrt.

 

It was so damn gross we mostly turned our eyes away and plugged our ears. Eric was slurping and carrying on like a madman.

 

Then Eric ran outside and barfed, ran back in, and without even grabbing at the pile of money he swiped a full bottle of whiskey from behind the bar and started guzzling and spitting it out repeatedly until the entire bottle was empty.

 

Then Eric sat down and slowly pulled his windfall together before neatly piling it and stuffing it in his wallet.

 

Nobody said a word the entire time.

 

We were in awe.

 

Finally, Kenny asked the question. "Shit Dude!! Why the fuck did you guzzle? The Wetback's bet was for a sip!!"

 

Eric's throat was pretty ripped up from the experience, but before he did a face plant on the bar, he managed to whisper...

 

"It was all one string."

 

DOUG3S.jpg

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Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way that could happen." "No, it's true," said the first man, let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below.

When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." "No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps.

Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the hey," the second guy says, "it works, I'll try it!"

He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors ...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.' Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker, saying "You know, Superman, sometimes you can be a real jerk."

 

 

 

A drunk with a pig under his arm and a parrot on his shoulder; a blonde, a brunette and a redhead; Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky; a farmer, a farmer's daughter and a travelling salesman; a minister, a rabbi and a priest; an Irishman, an Italian and a Pole; a doctor, a lawyer and an engineer; a piano player and a monkey; three nuns; a redneck; God, St. Peter and a second lawyer walk into a bar. (Continued below).

The Bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

 

 

 

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.

A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.

"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers! "

" I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the heck out of my testicles."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!

 

 

 

A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone.

He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"

She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody at any time, any where -- your place or my place, it doesn't matter to me."

The guy raises his eyebrows and says... "No kidding, what law firm do you work for?"

 

 

 

A man goes into a bar on the Shankill road with his pet crocodile.

He asks "do you serve catholics?"

The bartender replies "Yes, we're very open-minded here. what can I get you?"

The man replies "A pint of Guinness and 2 catholics for the crocodile."

 

 

 

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy, the barman replied "Yes."

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy T-Bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"

"Certainly sir,"replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents", he replies.

"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the Guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

 

 

 

Three guys are in a bar discussing how much their wives bitch at them.

They decide that when they get home, they'll do the first thing that the women ask.

The next night, their in the same bar. The first guy says, "Man, I don't think that our idea was so great! I was sitting on the couch watching TV, and I dropped my cigarette on the couch. my wife said why don't you burn the whole house down? That place is still smouldering."

The second guy said, "That ain't nothing. I was working on the car, and dropped my wrench and it nicked the fender. She said why don't you tear the whole car apart? It took me all night."

The third guy said, "you guys don't have nothing on me. When I walked in the door, my wife was doing the dishes, and I felt a little romantic. I reached down, and she said 'Cut that out!' Ever seen one of these real close?"

 

 

 

These three guys are sitting at a bar arguing which one has the ugliest wife.

The conversation begins to get heated to the point of the barkeeper telling them to get the hell out or shut up! In fact he says, "why don't you settle it once and for all and just visit each others house and decide for yourselves..."

Damn Good idea they agree, finish their drinks and make off for the first guys house.

Upon arriving he bangs on his door and the wife answers, she's not pretty and he turns to collect the bet from the other two. Not so fast says the second, I got that beat.

And off they go to his house... He bangs on the door and his wife comes to answer the door opens and all three step back in fright, she's damn ugly. He asks to collect the bet but the third guy says sorry I've got you both beat.

He goes to his house and walks right in, there's no sign of anyone around. He stomps his foot on the trap door in the floor and they all hear this voice say "Is that you honey?"

"Yeah it's me," he says.

"Do you want me to come out?" she asks

"Yes please," he says.

"Should I put the bag on my head?" she asks.

He says, "No. I don't want to fuck you, I just want to show you off!"

 

 

 

Two buddies were sharing drinks in the local pub, while discussing their wives. "Does your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one. "Well, no, not exactly. She's more into the 'trick dog' aspect of it," his buddy replied.

"Oh, I see! Man! Kinky, huh!?"

"Well, no, not at all. You see, it's like this... I sit up 'n' beg, then she rolls over and 'plays dead'."

 

 

 

A stunningly beautiful woman walked into a bar and sat down.

She was followed a few minutes later by a man who took a seat at the end of the bar. He immediately noticed the beauty and, since this was his local hangout, figured the bartender would do him a favor.

"Jack, here's a twenty-dollar bill," whispered the man, leaning over the bar, "slip her some Spanish fly."

"I don't have any Spanish fly," said the bartender, "but a customer gave me some Jewish fly."

"Jewish fly!" exclaimed the man, "what does THAT do?"

"I don't know," answered the bartender. "Why don't we try it and find out?"

The next time the woman needed a refill, the bartender put the Jewish fly powder in her drink. She finished the drink, and a few minutes later got up and sidled over to the man.

She put her arm around his shoulder, put her other hand on his knee, and began to rub the inside of his leg. "You attract me," she purred. "I'd like to do something with you tonight."

"Honey, I'll do anything you want," gasped the man.

"Great! Take me shopping at Bloomingdale's!"

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A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone.

He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"

She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody at any time, any where -- your place or my place, it doesn't matter to me."

The guy raises his eyebrows and says... "No kidding, what law firm do you work for?"

 

 

 

 

Gold

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Differences in terminology among the services:

 

Order an officer in the Army to "secure the building" and he will post an armed guard with an access list

 

Order a Naval officer to secure the building and he will turn off the lights and lock the door when he leaves for the evening. Long term security will be accomplished by sealing the doors and windows, installing motion detector lights and an alarm system and tasking the Seabees with quarterly inspections

 

Order a Coast Guard officer to secure the building and he will conduct a detailed inspection with a dog looking for drugs and Cuban cigars

 

Order a Marine to secure the building and he will gather sufficient assets, call in airstrikes and naval gunfire as necessary, assault the resulting smoking crater with superior firepower, raise the Flag and send a runner back to report,"Building secured, Sir"

 

Order an Air For e officer to secure the building and he will track down the building's owner, negotiate a 20 year lease with option to buy at 6 years.

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I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.

I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

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The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did....

she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

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Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!"

And other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It

Completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

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Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Big Top Circus, a

Spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."

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My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give

him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop

before you're banned from teaching altogether."

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Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?

A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.

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Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend...

Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible.

Or in other words........... B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

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Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half

an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything -

KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."

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Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain?

17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."

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On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependants?"

Apparently putting "Hundreds of Africans, Pakis, Somalians, single mums,

Romanians, loafers, smack heads, and non-English speaking people" isn't the

Right answer. They've sent my form back!

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The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me

because she can't afford batteries!

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Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing

line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 clothes pin

back. (ouch!)

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-----------------------------------------------------------

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!"

And other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It

Completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

-----------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Who do you think you are? Ron Wood?

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Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip.. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.

 

They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

 

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

 

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

 

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

 

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied, "I can't be sure, but I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

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A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.

 

They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.

 

After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly,

 

"Wow, She's fat!”

 

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet..

 

A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out as far

As they would go and announced; "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"

 

The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.

 

The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.

 

After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.

 

Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep"

 

 

The little boy yelled out, "Run for your f*****g life, she's reversing!!"

 

 

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And I'm not taking this to political anarchy...........

 

World's Shortest Books

 

 

MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS

 

By Tiger Woods

____________________________________________

 

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY

 

By Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan

Illustrated by Michael Moore

 

Foreword by George Soros

________________________________________

 

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS

 

& HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA

 

By Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton

______________________________________

 

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL

 

By Hillary Clinton

_________________

 

Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY

 

By Bill Clinton

_________________

 

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD

 

By Bill Gates

_________________________

 

THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE

 

By Al Gore & John Kerry

_____________________________________

 

GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

 

By Amelia Earhart

____________________________________

 

HOW TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST

 

By Dr. Jack Kevorkian

__________________________________

 

TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED BEFORE

 

By Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnell

__________________

 

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

 

By Mike Tyson

_________________________________

 

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

_______________________________________

 

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS

 

By O. J. Simpson

_________________________________________

 

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY

 

By Ted Kennedy

____________________________________________________

 

HOW TO WIN A SUPERBOWL

 

BY THE MINNESOTA VIKINGS

___________________________________________________

 

My Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy

 

By Nancy Pelosi

________________________________________________________

 

THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE

 

by Barack Obama

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I just heard that Steve Jobs sent a top-of-the-line iPad to Pres. Obama. Unfortunately, he didn't get to use it much - Joe Biden spotted it and broke it. He was shaking it real hard to try to get the pictures to erase... :D

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Not long ago we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope.

 

Thanks to our government, we now have no jobs, no cash and no hope.

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