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Never question a drunk

A 37 year old woman at the super market says: NEVER, EVER, QUESTION A DRUNK . . . . I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

 

A half-gallon of 2% milk

A carton of eggs

A quart of orange juice

A head of lettuce

A 2 lb. Can of coffee

A 1 lb. Package of bacon

 

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated -- 'You must be single.'

 

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found "Mr. Right." I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.....

 

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said -- 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'

 

The drunk replied -- 'Cause you're fuckin ugly'.

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One sunny day in late January 2021, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,

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U2 Concert in Newfoundland

At a U2 concert in Newfoundland, Bono, the lead singer, asks the audience for some quiet, and then he slowly starts to clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone, "I want you to think about something.

Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.

A Newfie in the front yells out, in the silence "Then stop clappin' ya fuckin' asshole"!

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Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking sad.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight

has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."

His wife makes him a cup of tea, and says, "Why don't

you take my brother with you and give it one more try."

 

"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a

hundred and three. He can't help."

 

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife,

"but his eyesight is perfect."

 

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course

with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty

swing and squints down the fairway.

 

He turns to the brother-in-law and says,

"Did you see the ball?"

 

"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law.

"I have perfect eyesight".

 

"Where did it go?" says Arthur.

 

"I don't remember."

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Two nuns are returning to their convent, walking through a rough neighborhood.

 

They pass through an alley, and two thugs assault the nuns and rape them.

 

One nun says loudly, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do!"

 

The other nun says, "Speak for yourself, Sister - this one is doing just fine!"

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A frog walks into a bar at lunch time hops up onto the bar stool and orders a pint and pie. The bar tender is gobsmacked!

The frog says "yeah yeah, I know, a talking frog right? Get over it. I've put up with it all my life. I'll give you one day to gawk and stare and after that I just want to be treated like everyone else."

The bartender does his best impersonation of a fish, just opening and shutting his mouth for a few seconds but finally blurts out "Yep, fair request"

The frog finishes his pie and beer and leaves.

 

The frog shows up the next day around lunch time, hops up onto the bar stool down the end and orders a pint and a pie. The bartender and frog give each other a nod and go about their business.

 

This continues for a week and the bartender, being a bartender strikes up a conversation with the frog.

"So what do you do for a living?"

"I'm a plasterer. Doing up the inside of the old hospital round the corner."

"Big building, you'll be there for a while. Nice to know I'll be getting some regular business."

"Yeah you and your staff have been the nicest about me being a frog. Not snide comment about fly flavoured pies." The frog nods. "I'll definitely be coming back."

 

A few fridays later the frog mentions that this will be the last time he'll be at the pub because he's just doing the final touches on his plastering work.

"I tell you what. Come in tomorrow anyways and I'll let you have a slice of pie for free. You've been a respectful customer, you don't swear or smoke. You don't spill your drinks or touch up the waitresses like the other tradies, so I'd like to encourage more folks like you to come here."

"That's mighty nice of you, for sure I'll see you tomorrow."

 

Saturday lunch time and the frog hops up onto his usual bar stool down the end.

"Let me guess? A pie and a pint?"

"Jeez you've got a good memory mate"

"Hey while you're waiting there's someone I'd like you to meet. He's from the circus and he thinks he's got some easy work for you for good coin."

"Circus you say? As in Lions, Tigers and Bears oh my?"

"Yeah they've got some elephants and horses as well."

"Sorry still a little confused. A circus? Clowns and trapeze?"

"Yep"

"Big tent with a hole in the top?"

"Yep"

"What the bloody hell does he want with a plasterer?"

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A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barman looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.

 

"Tiny" replies the man.

 

"Why's that?" asks the bartender.

 

"Because he's my newt!"

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I was raised a Catholic, and the most annoying thing about going to church was all the standing up, sitting down, and kneeling.

 

I wish the priest could've just picked a position and ****ed me!

---------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett, in their own different ways, helped young boys masturbate for years!

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I found that if you run out of KY Jelly and are really desperate, foreplay will work too.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Apparantly Allah is having real problems at the moment. With so many suicide bombers, he is really struggling to find the 72 virgins that have been promised to each and every one of them. It's getting so bad, he might even have to consider female virgins as a substitute.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------

My wife had a baby yesterday. She was in a lot of pain.

 

She screamed, "You'd better keep your dick away from me!"

 

The doctor said, "I agree - put it away now."

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I just don't get Al Qaeda.

 

Anyone motivated by the promise of sex with 72 virgins, clearly hasn't had sex with ONE virgin.

 

All that wriggling, bleeding and crying. Plus you've got all that running just to catch one.

 

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

A woman goes to Italy to attend a two-week company training session.

 

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her a good trip.

 

The wife answers, "thank you, honey, what would you like me to bring back for you?"

 

The husband laughs and says, "an Italian girl!"

 

The woman kept quiet and left.

 

Two weeks later, he picks her up in the airport and asks, "so, honey, how was the trip?"

 

"Very good, thank you."

 

"And what happened to my present?"

 

"Which present?" she asked.

 

"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!"

 

"Oh, that", she said. "Well, I did what I could; now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl!"

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

My girlfriend has a really bad stutter. It's great for sex because by the time I have finished myself she has just about managed to tell me I was in the wrong hole.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

A Catholic boy lying is seriously injured after being hit by a car outside a church.

A man runs to him and says, "would you like me to fetch a priest, my son?"

The boy replies, "can't you see I'm ****ing dying? Sex is the last thing on my mind."

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An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas ....

 

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

 

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

 

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

 

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

 

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

 

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"

 

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."

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The Aging Optimist

 

"YA KNOW, WHEN I WAS 25 AND GOT A HARD-ON,

I COULDN'T BEND IT WITH BOTH HANDS.

BY THE TIME I WAS 50, I COULD BEND IT ABOUT

10 DEGREES IF I TRIED REAL HARD.

 

BY THE TIME I WAS 60, I COULD BEND IT

20 DEGREES, NO PROBLEM.

 

I'M GONNA BE 70 NEXT WEEK, AND I CAN BEND IT

IN HALF WITH JUST ONE HAND."

 

"SO, WHAT'S YOUR POINT?"

"WELL, I'M JUST WONDERING

HOW MUCH STRONGER AM I GONNA GET?

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THE "DOT"

 

YOU MAY HAVE WONDERED

ABOUT IT AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER . . .

 

 

13ae477521069993c1e4a78835d4b151.jpg

 

SOMEONE HAS FINALLYCLEARED THIS UP. HERE IT IS:

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in Canada . If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with Bell technical advice ...

 

 

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Subject: Let's clear up a term used a lot these days. This should help!!!!

The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.

 

People often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing"- so here it is:

You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say

 

"I'm fantastic in bed,"

 

That's Direct Marketing.

 

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says

 

"She's fantastic in bed,"

 

That's Advertising.

 

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say,

 

"Hi, I'm fantastic in bed,"

 

That's Telemarketing
.

 

You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress, you walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing gently against him and then say

 

"By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

 

That's Public Relations.

 

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says

 

“I hear you're fantastic in bed,"

 

That's Brand Recognition.

 

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.

 

That's a Sales Rep.

 

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

 

That's Tech Support.

 

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one and shout at the top of your lungs

 

"I'm fantastic in bed!" .....

 

That's Junk Mail.

 

You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and gropes your breast and grabs your bottom

 

That's Arnold Schwarzenegger!

 

You like it but, twenty years later, your lawyer decides you were offended…………….
That is America.

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Subject: Let's clear up a term used a lot these days. This should help!!!!

The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.

 

People often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing"- so here it is:

You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say

 

"I'm fantastic in bed,"

 

That's Direct Marketing.

 

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says

 

"She's fantastic in bed,"

 

That's Advertising.

 

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say,

 

"Hi, I'm fantastic in bed,"

 

That's Telemarketing
.

 

You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress, you walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing gently against him and then say

 

"By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

 

That's Public Relations.

 

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says

 

“I hear you're fantastic in bed,"

 

That's Brand Recognition.

 

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.

 

That's a Sales Rep.

 

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

 

That's Tech Support.

 

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one and shout at the top of your lungs

 

"I'm fantastic in bed!" .....

 

That's Junk Mail.

 

You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and gropes your breast and grabs your bottom

 

That's Arnold Schwarzenegger!

 

You like it but, twenty years later, your lawyer decides you were offended…………….
That is America.

 

So your still at the party and you come up to the hottest girl there and tell her your "fantastic in bed, lets head down to the bedroom at the end of the hall", she then tells her two hot friends to meet down the hall for some fantastic sex in bed. They then tell a couple more guys and gals about the orgy going on down the hall.

Soon the whole party is ingaged in a wild sex orgy on that poor bed.

 

That's "Multi level marketing!!!"

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Subject: Let's clear up a term used a lot these days. This should help!!!!

The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.

 

People often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing"- so here it is:

You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say

 

"I'm fantastic in bed,"

 

That's Direct Marketing.

 

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says

 

"She's fantastic in bed,"

 

That's Advertising.

 

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say,

 

"Hi, I'm fantastic in bed,"

 

That's Telemarketing
.

 

You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress, you walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing gently against him and then say

 

"By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

 

That's Public Relations.

 

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says

 

"I hear you're fantastic in bed,"

 

That's Brand Recognition.

 

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.

 

That's a Sales Rep.

 

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

 

That's Tech Support.

 

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one and shout at the top of your lungs

 

"I'm fantastic in bed!" .....

 

That's Junk Mail.

 

You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and gropes your breast and grabs your bottom

 

That's Arnold Schwarzenegger!

 

You like it but, twenty years later, your lawyer decides you were offended…………….
That is America.

 

So your still at the party and you come up to the hottest girl there and tell her your "fantastic in bed, lets head down to the bedroom at the end of the hall", she then tells her two hot friends to meet down the hall for some fantastic sex in bed. They then tell a couple more guys and gals about the orgy going on down the hall.

Soon the whole party is ingaged in a wild sex orgy on that poor bed.

 

That's "Multi level marketing!!!"

 

what happens when it goes viral?...

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Subject: Let's clear up a term used a lot these days. This should help!!!!

The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.

 

People often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing"- so here it is:

You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say

 

"I'm fantastic in bed,"

 

That's Direct Marketing.

 

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says

 

"She's fantastic in bed,"

 

That's Advertising.

 

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say,

 

"Hi, I'm fantastic in bed,"

 

That's Telemarketing
.

 

You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress, you walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing gently against him and then say

 

"By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

 

That's Public Relations.

 

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says

 

"I hear you're fantastic in bed,"

 

That's Brand Recognition.

 

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.

 

That's a Sales Rep.

 

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

 

That's Tech Support.

 

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one and shout at the top of your lungs

 

"I'm fantastic in bed!" .....

 

That's Junk Mail.

 

You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and gropes your breast and grabs your bottom

 

That's Arnold Schwarzenegger!

 

You like it but, twenty years later, your lawyer decides you were offended…………….
That is America.

 

So your still at the party and you come up to the hottest girl there and tell her your "fantastic in bed, lets head down to the bedroom at the end of the hall", she then tells her two hot friends to meet down the hall for some fantastic sex in bed. They then tell a couple more guys and gals about the orgy going on down the hall.

Soon the whole party is ingaged in a wild sex orgy on that poor bed.

 

That's "Multi level marketing!!!"

 

what happens when it goes viral?...

Herpes.

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An elderly golfer comes inafter a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to thebar/restaurant area of the club house.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the barthat reads:

 

COLD BEER: $5.00

HAMBURGER: $10.00

CHEESEBURGER: $15.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $18.50

HAND JOB: $250.00

 

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walksup to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender whois serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

 

She glides down behind thebar to the old golfer.

 

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. "May I help you sir?"

 

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering young lady,are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?"

 

She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, "Yes sir, I suream."

 

The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly, "Wellthen, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger."

 

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Subject: Let's clear up a term used a lot these days. This should help!!!!

The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.

 

People often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing"- so here it is:

You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say

 

"I'm fantastic in bed,"

 

That's Direct Marketing.

 

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says

 

"She's fantastic in bed,"

 

That's Advertising.

 

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say,

 

"Hi, I'm fantastic in bed,"

 

That's Telemarketing
.

 

You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress, you walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing gently against him and then say

 

"By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

 

That's Public Relations.

 

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says

 

"I hear you're fantastic in bed,"

 

That's Brand Recognition.

 

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.

 

That's a Sales Rep.

 

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

 

That's Tech Support.

 

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one and shout at the top of your lungs

 

"I'm fantastic in bed!" .....

 

That's Junk Mail.

 

You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and gropes your breast and grabs your bottom

 

That's Arnold Schwarzenegger!

 

You like it but, twenty years later, your lawyer decides you were offended…………….
That is America.

 

So your still at the party and you come up to the hottest girl there and tell her your "fantastic in bed, lets head down to the bedroom at the end of the hall", she then tells her two hot friends to meet down the hall for some fantastic sex in bed. They then tell a couple more guys and gals about the orgy going on down the hall.

Soon the whole party is ingaged in a wild sex orgy on that poor bed.

 

That's "Multi level marketing!!!"

 

Nah, that's Social Networking.

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Wisdom from an old Jewish man.

 

 

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

 

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

 

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

 

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

 

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

 

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

 

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

 

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

 

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

 

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

 

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

 

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

 

"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."

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Hi. If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

 

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

 

Here's what happened:

 

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

 

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

 

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

 

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

 

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

 

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

 

I was equally outraged.

 

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

 

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

 

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"

 

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

 

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm!)

 

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

 

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

 

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

 

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

 

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

 

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

 

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

 

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

 

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

 

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

 

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

 

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

 

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

 

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

 

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

 

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

 

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

 

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labour. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . Um . . . Masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

 

We were silent, absorbing this.

 

"So, Ernie's just, just .. .. . Excited," my wife offered.

 

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

 

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

 

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just .... That ....I'm picturing you pulling on its .. .. . Its. . Teeny little . . "

 

She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

 

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

 

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

 

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

 

Two lizards: $140.

 

One cage: $50..

 

Trip to the vet: $30.

 

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

 

Priceless!

 

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

 

Lizards lay eggs!

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Wisdom from an old Jewish man.

 

 

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

 

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

 

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

 

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

 

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

 

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

 

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

 

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

 

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

 

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

 

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

 

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

 

"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."

 

the wall itself is not holy. it is merely the closest place that Jews are able to get to the holiest place in Judaism. The holiest place is apparently also a Muslim holy site and they dont allow jews to go there.

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Lost Gravy Ladle

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how handsome John's roommate was. She had long been

suspicious of Johns' sexual orientation and this only made her more curious.

 

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

 

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mark and I are just roommates."

 

About a week later, Mark came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

 

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:

 

"Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:

"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Mark, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Mark. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

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Hi. If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

 

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

 

Here's what happened:

 

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

 

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

 

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

 

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

 

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

 

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

 

I was equally outraged.

 

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

 

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

 

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"

 

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

 

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm!)

 

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

 

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

 

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

 

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

 

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

 

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

 

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

 

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

 

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

 

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

 

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

 

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

 

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

 

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

 

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

 

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

 

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

 

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labour. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . Um . . . Masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

 

We were silent, absorbing this.

 

"So, Ernie's just, just .. .. . Excited," my wife offered.

 

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

 

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

 

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just .... That ....I'm picturing you pulling on its .. .. . Its. . Teeny little . . "

 

She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

 

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

 

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

 

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

 

Two lizards: $140.

 

One cage: $50..

 

Trip to the vet: $30.

 

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

 

Priceless!

 

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

 

Lizards lay eggs!

+ 1

 

best in a long time

 

thanks !

 

cheers,

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The Irish Brothel:

 

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat watching the front door of thebrothel across the road.

 

The local Methodist pastor appears, andquickly goes inside.

 

"Would you look at dat!" saysthe first Irishman. "Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites theyare?"

 

No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door,knocks, and goes inside.

 

"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"says the second Irishman.

 

They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbiwhen they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.

 

"Ah, now dat's sad," says thethird Irishman. "One of the girls must have died."

 

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Found on the RefrigeratorOne Morning :

 

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 yearsold, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a goodwife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wronglyinterpret the fact that I will be spending the evening

with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

 

Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.

 

When the man came home latethat night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

 

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remindyou that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at ourlocal college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will beat the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistanttennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

 

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you willunderstand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference- 18 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 18.

 

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

 

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The gynecologist who became a mechanic

 

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

 

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

 

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

 

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career!"

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COSTELLO BUYS A COMPUTER - AN OLDY TAKES ON NEW WINGS.

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

 

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows.. I need a computer and software.

 

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

 

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows..

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

 

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

 

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

 

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

 

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

 

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

 

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............

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They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

 

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

 

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

 

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

 

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

 

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

 

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.

You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

 

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.

Nevertheless the man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

 

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

 

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

 

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

 

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

 

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

 

 

Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!

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This blonde cop stops a blonde driver and asks for identification.

 

The blonde driver looks all around in her purse and can’t find her license. “I must have left it at home, officer.”

 

“Well, do you have any kind of identification on you?” asks the cop.

 

The blonde takes out a pocket mirror and says, “I do have this picture of me.”

 

“Let me see it,” says the cop. She holds up the mirror and looks in it. Then she says, “Sorry. If I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have stopped you.”

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A TALE OF TWO VASECTOMIES

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take allof his clothes off. When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has herway with him. Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vasectomy is easier for the surgeon to perform thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient, and quicker. The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating.

 

Curious, the man asks, "What are they doing in there"? The nurse responds, "They are getting vasectomies too, but... you have BlueCross and they have Obama Care."

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KEEP THE GRAY MATTER ACTIVE Some questions to keep the "gray cells" active !!!!

1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?

 

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

 

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

 

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

 

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

 

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

 

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

 

8. What was the President's Name in 1975?

 

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

 

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

 

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

 

 

 

Here are the Answers

1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?

 

Answer: Johnny of course

 

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

 

Answer: Meat.

 

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

 

Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You're not very good at this are you?]

 

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

 

Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

 

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

 

Answer: Incorrectly

 

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet her birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

 

Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

 

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

 

Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

 

8. What was the President's Name in 1975?

 

Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama [Oh, come on ...]

 

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

 

Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

 

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

 

Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]

 

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

 

Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.

 

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A Hooker in Las Vegas

 

A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his

eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker,

 

"How much do you charge?"

 

The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

 

The guy says,"$500 dollars! For a hand-job!

 

Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

 

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?

 

"Yes."

 

"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"

 

"Yes."

 

"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"

 

"Yes."

 

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those..

And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

 

So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once.. I'll give it a try.."

 

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed

realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every

bit of $500.

 

He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"

 

 

The hooker replies, "$1,500."

 

"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"

 

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy.

Do you see that casino just across the street?

I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job

that's worth every cent of $1,500.

 

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put of

the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up."

 

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.

He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.

He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and

unforgettable experience.

He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"

 

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you

something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us:

All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?"

 

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

 

"No," the hooker replies, "but I would... if I had a pussy."

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Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women

 

 

And here we go...

 

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

 

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

 

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

 

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

 

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

 

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

 

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

 

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

 

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

 

And the Number One reason Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....

#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun

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As my wife and I are approaching our 63rd and 65th birthdays, respectively, we scheduled our annual medical examination the same day, so we could travel together.

 

 

After my examination, the doctor said, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

 

 

"In fact, I do," I said. "After I am intimate with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

 

 

"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you."

 

 

After examining my wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medial concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

 

 

She replied that she had no questions, nor concerns. The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after being intimate the first time with you and cold and chilly after the second time, do you know why?"

 

 

"Oh, that old fart!" she replied. "That's because, the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

WOMEN - Two female friends are catching up:

- So, how was your evening last night?

- A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4

minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later.

 

And you?

- Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing stary sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderful...

 

MEN -

Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are "networking"...:

- So, how was your evening last night?

- Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. You?

 

- A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I

switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness.

Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out.

It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an ear-full... Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home. Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these fucking candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to come. In the end, I was so pissed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing

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Wise Scotsman

 

A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with absolutely perfect breasts.

 

He approaches her and says, "Miss, would ye let me bite ye breasts for $100?"

 

"Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking.

 

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would ye let me bite ye breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks.

 

"Listen; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

 

So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would ye let me bite ye breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"

 

She thinks about it for a moment and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; OK, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

 

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he touches them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

 

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

 

"Nah," says the Scotsman. "Costs too much."<br clear="all">

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Jewish Comedians....

Do you remember the old-time Jewish comedians of Vaudeville days - Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie

Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others? You may have only heard of them, but don't we all miss their kind of humor? Not a single swear word in their comic routines:

 

* A car hit an elderlyJewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says,"I make a good living."

 

* I just got back froma pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

 

* I've been in lovewith the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!

 

* What are three wordsa woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'mhome."

 

* Someone stole all mycredit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wifedid.

 

* We always holdhands. If I let go, she shops.

 

* My wife and I wentto a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea .

 

* My wife and Irevisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the onewho stayed in the bathroom and cried.

 

* My Wife was at thebeauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

 

* She got a mudpackand looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

 

* The Doctor gave aman six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave himanother six months.

 

* The Doctor calledMrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohenreplied, "So did my arthritis!"

 

* Doctor: "You'lllive to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What didI tell you?"

 

* A doctor held astethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?"The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

 

* Patient: "Ihave a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

 

* A drunk was in frontof a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."The drunk says,

"Okay, let's get started."

 

*Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

 

* Why do Jewish mendie before their wives? They want to.

 

*The Harvard School ofMedicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The studyrevealed that the reason for this is because Won Ton spelled backward is NotNow.

 

*There is a bigcontroversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, thefetus is not considered viable until it graduates from law school.

 

Q : Why don't Jewishmothers drink?

A : Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

 

Q : Have you seen thenewest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?

A : It's called, "Debbie Does Dishes."

 

Q : Why do Jewishmothers make great parole officers?

A : They never let anyone finish a sentence.

 

Q : What's a JewishAmerican Princess's favorite position?

A : Facing Bloomingdale's.

 

A man called hismother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?" Not too good," said themother. "I've been very weak. " The son said, "Why are you soweak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The sonsaid, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The motheranswered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you shouldcall."

 

A Jewish man said thatwhen he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner - Take it orleave it.

 

A Jewish boy comeshome from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks,"What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewishhusband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacheryou want a speaking part."

 

Q : Where does aJewish husband hide money from his wife?

A : Under the vacuum cleaner.

 

Q : How many Jewishmothers does it take to change a light bulb?

A : (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don'twant to be a nuisance to anybody."

 

A Jewish mother givesher son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his birthday. On the next visit, hewears the brown one. The mother says, "What's the matter already? Didn'tyou like the blue one?"

 

Did you hear about thebum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady Ihaven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.

 

Q : What's thedifference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?

A : Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

 

Q : Why are Jewish Men circumcised?

A : Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20%off.

 

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Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:

"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

 

The survey was a massive failure because :

 

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

8. In Canada: We all hung up as soon as we heard the East Indian accent.
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Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods.

 

 

He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, the foolish dog knocks the gun over; it goes off....and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.

 

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he comes to.... and there is his doctor, Sven.

 

 

 

"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be okay. The damage was local to your groin; there was very little internal damage; and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

 

 

 

"What's the bad news?" asks Ole.

 

 

 

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena."

 

 

 

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

 

 

 

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in the Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra.

 

She's going to teach you where to put your fingers....so you don't piss in your eye."

 

 

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Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods.

 

He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, the foolish dog knocks the gun over; it goes off....and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.

 

Several hours later, lyingin a Duluth hospital bed, he comes to.... and there is his doctor, Sven.

 

"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be okay.The damage was local to your groin; there was very little internal damage; and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

 

"What's the bad news?" asks Ole.

 

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena."

 

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

 

"Not exactly,"Sven says. "She's a flute player in the Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra.

 

She's going to teach you where to put your fingers....so you don't piss in your eye."

 

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AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

 

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I

hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend,

threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and

earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important

message.

 

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to

actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.

The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason, my

girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a

Combat Marine in Afghanistan. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom

Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder

holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very

intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

 

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with

crap in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I

made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented

you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

 

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I

explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up

my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station -- on

your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was

extremely grateful!

 

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with

all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

 

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at

the curb ..... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the

entire driver's side of the car.

 

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office

and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

 

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while

he traced your number etc.).

 

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this

type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened

crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather

immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity

to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to

pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good

day!

 

Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi,

 

Alex

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One day my wife was out shopping and I was watching our children ages five and two.

My son was playing with the dog. My daughter, the two year old, was playing with her Barbie.

 

She and Barbie were having a little coffee get-together. I thought it was very nice of her

to offer me a cup of coffee, and happily accepted even though it was just water.

 

After several cups and lots of praise for such delicious coffee, my wife came rolling in with the groceries. She watched as my daughter brought in other cup of coffee, started laughing, and asked

me how many cups I'd drank.

 

When I admitted that I was waterlogged from all the coffee, my wife broke into hysterical laughter.

Through the tears of laughter rolling down her cheeks she asked me a question that completely ruined that precious moment forever.

 

'Did it ever occur to you', she said, 'that the only place a baby can reach water is the toilet?'

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A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to

the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper

Peninsula of Michigan.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk

shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all

that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would

all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to

convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had

various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found

him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around.

So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of

God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to

give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both

legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you

KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And

then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted

nothing to do with me.

So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP

another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him

and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as

a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in

a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors

running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said in a very weak voice: "Looking back on it, ....circumcision may not

have been the best way to start..."

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When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

 

The Russians used a pencil.

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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

 

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

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FATHER OF THE YEAR

A man boarded a plane with six kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting

across the aisle from him leaned

over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

 

He replied, "No Ma'am, I work for a condom company. These are customercomplaints."

 

I WISH I COULD THINK THAT FAST!

 

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When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

 

The Russians used a pencil.

 

NASA bought the space pens of the shelf, and paid $2.95 each, same as everyone else. NASA didn't pay any development cost - those were paid for by the manufacturer.

 

The Russians also bought and used Fisher "Space Pens" when they became available.

 

http://www.snopes.com/business/genius/spacepen.asp

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When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

 

The Russians used a pencil.

 

NASA bought the space pens of the shelf, and paid $2.95 each, same as everyone else. NASA didn't pay any development cost - those were paid for by the manufacturer.

 

The Russians also bought and used Fisher "Space Pens" when they became available.

 

http://www.snopes.com/business/genius/spacepen.asp

 

Did you read the name of this thread?

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A curious fellow died one day and found himself in limbo waiting in a long, long line for judgment. As he stood there, he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the gates of heaven. Others were led over to Satan, who threw them into a lake of fire. Every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss him or her to one side.

 

After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the better of him. He strolled over and tapped Old Nick on the shoulder.

 

"Excuse me, there, Your Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, and I couldn't help wondering why you are tossing some people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?"

 

"Ah," Satan said with a grin. "Those are Seattle-ites. I'm letting them dry out so they'll burn."

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A newcomer to Seattle arrives on a rainy day. He gets up the next day and it's raining. It also rains the day after that, and the day after that. He goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and asks out of despair, "Hey kid, does it ever stop raining around here?" The kid says, "How do I know? I'm only six."

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"I can't believe it," said the tourist. "I've been here an entire week and it's done nothing but rain. When do you have summer here?"

 

"Well, that's hard to say," replied the local. "Last year, it was on a Wednesday."

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What do you call two straight days of rain in Seattle?......A weekend....

 

It only rains twice a year in Seattle.....August through April and May through July.

 

What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?.....An extra hour of rain.

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Prescriptions

 

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Paterson about enlarging her breasts. Dr. Paterson advised her,'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'

 

She did this faithfully for several months! To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs!

 

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

 

Frightened she might lose her lovely b00bs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood up in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

 

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked, 'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr.Paterson's?

 

'Yes I am... How did you know?'

 

He winked and replied, " Hickory dickory dock "

 

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THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

 

 

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or Congress, is this ---------

 

 

You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...... It creates a hostile work environment.

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Americans Jeff & Jim are Siamese twins joined at the hip.

They walk into a bar in New York & order a couple of beers. Barman

serves them and asks

"You guys been on vacation yet?"

"We're off to England next week" says Jeff

"We go every year."

Barman says

"England's great; the culture, history, the Queen. "

Jeff replies "We don't go for that shit, it's the only chance Jim gets to drive the

f*cking car."

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My girlfriend has just asked me how many women I've shagged.

I said, 'I really dont want 2 answer that love, u know I've had a past

& I don't want 2 upset u!'

'C'mon' she said, 'I can handle it!'

So I had to sit there and count them all.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, you, 10, 11, 12.

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Only the Irish have Jokes LikeThese

 

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just

been run over by a train.

His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised

and he's walking with a limp.

 

 

" What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

" That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that

to you, he must have had something in his hand."

" That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and

a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended

yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?""

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty

it was, but useless in a fight."

**********************************************************************************************************

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving

home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving

 

violently all over the road.

 

A cop pulls him over."

"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"

Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite

a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and

folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back,

 

your wife fell out of your car?""

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk."

"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

 

 

***********************************************************************************************************

 

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,

when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've

somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome,

Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."

There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead

and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim.. "How did it happen, Tim?""

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of

Guinness Stout and drowned.""

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth,

Tim. Did he at least go quickly?""

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

 

************************************************************************************************************

 

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday

morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, " So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news . My

husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary,

did he have any last requests?"

S he says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

 

 

*********************************************************************************************************

 

 

AND THE BEST FOR L AST

 

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters

a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention

but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's

no paper on this side either!"

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The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to heaven... which part of your body goes first?

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think its your hands."

"Why do you think its your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think its your legs".

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now Little Johnnie, why would you think it would be your legs?"

Little Johnny said,"Well I walked into mommy and daddy's bedroom the other night... Mommy had her legs straight up in the air, and she was saying, "OH GOD, I'M COMING!". If dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her!" THE NUN FAINTED!

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One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".

 

His teacher replies "NO"

 

Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".

 

"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.

 

Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".

 

She again says "NO".

 

"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.

 

"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.

 

Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"

 

Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".

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There was a man who lostone of his arms in an accident.

 

He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.

 

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

 

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again and again.

 

He asked, "Why areyou so happy anyway?"

 

He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."

 

Heart-warming stories like this justmakes one want to cry.

 

 

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New Panties

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

 

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times that her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Why y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

 

"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."

He never heard the gunshot.

 

 

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The Colonoscopy

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a colonoscopy in Alabama, I decided to have my next one carried out while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly much more gentle and accommodating.

 

As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.

 

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me.

 

"I haven't got an erection," I replied.

 

"No, but I have," replied the nurse.

Don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco

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John Smith started the day early having set his alarmclock

(MADE IN JAPAN )

For 6 am ..

While his coffeepot

(MADE IN CHINA)

Was perking, he shaved with his

Electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG)

He put on a

Dress shirt

(MADE IN SRI LANKA),

Designer jeans

(MADE IN SINGAPORE)

And

Tennis shoes

(MADE IN KOREA)

After cooking his breakfast in his new

Electric skillet

(MADE IN INDIA)

He sat down with his

Calculator

(MADE IN MEXICO)

To see how much he could spend today. After setting his

Watch

(MADE IN TAIWAN )

To the radio

(MADE IN INDIA )

He got in his car

(MADE IN GERMANY )

Filled it with GAS (from Saudi Arabia )

And continued his search

For a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging And fruitless day

Checking his

Computer

(made in MALAYSIA),

John decided to relax for a while.

He put on his sandals

(MADE IN BRAZIL ),

Poured himself a glass of

Wine

(MADE IN FRANCE )

And turned on his

TV

(MADE IN INDONESIA ),

And then wondered why he can't Find a good paying job

In AMERICA

AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM A PRESIDENT

MADE IN KENYA

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Who said Cemeteries aren't funny?

======================

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany , New York :

Born 1903--Died 1942.

Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the

car was on the way down. It was.

=============================

In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up

and no place to go.

=============================

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in

East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:

Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.

Only the good die young.

=============================

In a London , England cemetery:

Here lies Ann Mann, who lived an old maid

but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767

=============================

In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:

Anna Wallace

The children of Israel wanted bread,

And the Lord sent them manna.

Clark Wallace wanted a wife,

And the Devil sent him Anna.

===============================

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery:

Here lies Johnny Yeast.

Pardon him for not rising.

===============================

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake,

Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.

==============================

In a Silver City , Nevada , cemetery:

Here lays The Kid,

We planted him raw.

He was quick on the trigger,

But slow on the draw.

================================

A lawyer's epitaph in England :

Sir John Strange.

Here lies an honest lawyer,

and that is Strange.

=================================

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,

England , cemetery:

Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,

Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.

==================================

In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :

On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.

==================================

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls ,

Vermont :

Here lies the body of our Anna,

Done to death by a banana.

It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,

But the skin of the thing that made her go.

==================================

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket ,

Massachusetts :

Under the sod and under the trees,

Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.

He is not here, there's only the pod,

Pease shelled out and went to God.

==================================

In a cemetery in England :

Remember man, as you walk by,

As you are now, so once was I.

As I am now, so shall you be,

Remember this and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:

To follow you I'll not consent,

Until I know which way you went.

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NEWS FLASH !!

 

Jeff Gordon Fires Pit Crew

 

Raleigh, NC

 

 

Jeff Gordon announced today he has fired his entire pit crew. This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of Obama's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with thousands of dollars' worth of high tech equipment.

 

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team, as many races are won or lost in the pits.

 

However, Gordon got more than he bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 9 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt Jr. For 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.

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How tough are Australian men??

 

 

The scene is set
- a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky.

 

 

Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire,

One from Australia, one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland.

 

 

Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.
The night of tales begins...

 

Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends'
.

 

 

 

Hansie from Seth Efrika (who typically can't stand to be bettered) said, 'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today'
.

 

 

 

Graham
, the Tough Australian, remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.

 

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Why parents drink ...

 

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was

absent but had not phoned in sick. So he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello? ' 'Is your daddy home?''Yes, he's out in the garden,' whispered the small voice.'May I talk with him?'The child whispered, 'No.' ; So the boss asked, 'Well, is your Mommy there?' 'Yes, she's out in the garden too '& The boss asked; 'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, 'No.' Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?''Yes ,' whispered the child, 'a policeman.. ' Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?' 'No, he's busy, ' whispered the child. 'Busy doing what?' ' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men. ' Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?' ' It's a helicopter' answered the whispering voice. 'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. ' The search team just landed a helicopter' 'A search team?' said the boss. 'What are they searching for?' Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle....' ME '

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By today's standards none of us was supposed to ever make it.

HIGH
SCHOOL -- 1968 vs. 2012

Scenario 1:

Jack
goes duck hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.

1968 -
Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

2012 -
School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario 2:

Johnny
and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1968 -
Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2012 -
Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it
.

Scenario 3:

Jeffrey
will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.

1968 -
Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2012 -
Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He
becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario 4:

Billy
breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1968 -
Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.

2012 -
Billy's dad is
arrested for child abuse
,
Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair
w
ith the psychologist.

Scenario 5:

Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1968 -
Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock
.

2012 -
The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His
car is then searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario 6:

Pedro fails high school English.

1968 -
Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.

2012 -
Pedro's cause is taken up by state.
Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for
graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario 7:

Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.

1968 -
Ants die.

2012
-
ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents - and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario 8:

Johnny
falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee