Jump to content

Recommended Posts

*Wonderful English from Around the World*

 

 

In a Bangkok Temple:

IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

 

Cocktail lounge, Norway:

LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

 

Doctor's office, Rome:

SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

 

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:

DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

 

In a Nairobi restaurant:

CUSTOMERS, WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

 

On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:

TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

 

On a poster at Kencom:

ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

 

In a City restaurant:

OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

 

In a Cemetery:

PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

 

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:

GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

 

On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:

OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

 

In a Tokyo Bar:

SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

 

Hotel, Yugoslavia:

THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

 

Hotel, Japan:

YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

 

In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:

YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.

 

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:

IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

 

Hotel, Zurich:

BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

 

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:

WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

 

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:

WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

 

A Laundry in Rome:

LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

 

And finally the all time classic seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:

 

IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE…

 

…. Priceless!

 

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Replies 8k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Posts

I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for th

One sunny day in late January 2021, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,

Posted Images

HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS

 

(Actual writings from hospital charts)

 

1 . The patient refused autopsy.

 

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

 

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

 

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

 

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

 

6 On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared

 

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

 

8 The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

 

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

 

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 66-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

 

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

 

12. She is numb from her toes down.

 

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

 

14. The skin was moist and dry.

 

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

 

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

 

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

 

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

 

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

 

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

 

22 The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

 

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

 

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

 

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Link to post
Share on other sites

For all you gentle Scots of good breeding..........

 

Archie and Jock are sitting in the pub discussing Jock’s plans for his forthcoming wedding.

 

“Ach, it’s all goin’ grand” says Jock. “I’ve got everything organized already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister and even ma stag night.”

 

Archie nods approvingly.

 

“Hivvens, I’ve even bought a kilt to be married in!” continues Jock.

 

“A kilt?” exclaims Archie, “That’s braw, you’ll look pure smart in that! And what’s the tartan?”

 

“Ach,” says Jock, “I’d imagine she’ll be in white.”

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

An old farmer goes to town and meets an acquaintance. They chat and the farmer mentions that he's going to sell the farm and retire, so the other guy asks what he's going to do then.

"Well I've never seen the sea, so I think I'll get in the car and go there to live".

"Nice idea - what route will you take ?"

"Well, the wife's always been very loyal ...."

Link to post
Share on other sites

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day, Kate, my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.

 

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

 

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

 

I called him an "asshole" . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

 

So Kate called him a "shit head". He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

 

Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

 

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

 

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

Link to post
Share on other sites

A Newfie won a fishing boat in a raffle and tows it home. His wife looks

at him and says, "What in the name o' Lard Jasus are you gonna do with dat, bye?

We lives on a farm. There's nary a bit o' water within 75 miles o' 'ere."

 

He says, "Don't care. I won 'er and I'm gonna keep 'er."...

 

Several days later the Newfie's brother comes over to visit. He looks

out in the field behind the house and sees his brother sitting in a

fishing boat in the middle of the field with a fishing rod in his hand.

 

He stands at the edge of the field and yells out to him, "What the frig are you doin'?"

 

His brother calls back, "I'm fishin'. What the frig does it look like I'm a doin'?"

 

His brother yells back, "Lard tunderin' my son, it's people like you

that gives us Newfies a bad name, making everyone think we're stupid.

 

If'n I could swim, I'd come out there and kick you in the friggin arse."

Link to post
Share on other sites

A mother in law said to her son's wife when the baby was born, "I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son" The daughter in law lifted her skirt and said... "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a f*cking photo copier"

Link to post
Share on other sites

Medical examination.......... While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her: "Your heart, lungs, pulse & BP are fine.Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady started taking off her clothes.....

Doctor, stopping her: "No! No! Please put on your clothes. Just show me your tongue."

Link to post
Share on other sites

You need a sense of humour to work in a nursinghome ~ that is for sure.

 

MY PRIVATE PART DIED

 

An old man, Mr.. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

 

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed..

 

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.

 

'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am

very sad.'

 

Knowing her patients were a little

forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,

she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace.

Please accept my condolences.'

 

The following day, Mr. Wallace was

walking down the hall with his Private

Part hanging out of his pyjamas.

 

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she

said, 'You shouldn't be walking down

the hall like that. Please put your

Private Part back inside your pyjamas.'

 

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr..

Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my

Private Part died.'

 

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy , 'you did tell

me that, but why is it hanging out of your pyjamas?'

 

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Eileen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.

 

When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

 

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

 

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

 

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?'

 

Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.

Link to post
Share on other sites

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.

 

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

 

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you were better looking it would lift itself.

Link to post
Share on other sites

ADULT:

A person who has stopped growing at both ends

And is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:

A place where women curl up and dye.

COMMITTEE:

A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

EGOTIST:

Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:

Cold Storage.

INFLATION:

Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:

An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:

A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:

Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:

A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:

The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:

One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:

An honest opinion openly expressed.

And MY Personal Favorite!

WRINKLES:

Something other people have,

Similar to my character lines.

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

HONEYMOON....

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first

 

Night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When

 

The bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet?

 

Your toes look all mangled and weird.

 

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.

 

"You mean polio?" she asked.

 

"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

 

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked

 

"What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"

 

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

 

"You mean measles?" she asked.

 

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

 

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.

 

As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

 

"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess...

 

Smallcox

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elkskin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant.The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

Link to post
Share on other sites

The following is an actual conversation overhead at a Feed and Seed store in Maine:

 

 

 

Efus – Hey man do you want to go to a party tonight at my house?

 

 

 

Claude – Sure I like to party.

 

 

 

Efus – Do you like drinking – going to be a lot of drinking?

 

 

 

Claude – Why sure I love to throw one back and get a little buzz.

 

 

 

Efus – Do you like dancing – going to be a lot of dancing?

 

 

 

Claude – I love to dance and can get down with the best.

 

 

 

Efus – Do you like fighting; seems like one always breaks out at these parties.

 

 

 

Claude – I never started one but am always ready for a good tumble.

 

 

 

Efus – Do you like sex? Because there’s going to be a lot of that too?

 

 

 

Claude – Are you crazy? I love sex the more the better.

 

 

 

Claude – What should I wear?

 

 

 

Efus – Oh it really doesn’t matter it’s just going to be the two of us . . .

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elkskin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant.The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

 

 

get.

out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

now.

Link to post
Share on other sites

A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

 

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

 

About 90 students raise their hands.

 

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

 

About 40 students raise their hands.

 

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

 

About 15 students raise their hand.

 

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

 

Three students raise their hands.

 

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further . . . Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

 

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

 

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience..'

 

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

 

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

 

Ahmed replied, "from way back there I thought you said Goats."

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elkskin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant.The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

 

Thanks.

That one was so old I had forgotten it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Any time.

 

More (some may be repeats):

 

 

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.

 

          Desperate,he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.  Croesus said, "I'll give you100,000 dinars for it."

 

          "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

 

          Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

 

 

 

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed in a fire, and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

 

 

 

A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

 

 

 

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After abrief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended,but the malady lingers on."

 

 

 

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

 

 

 

 

 

 

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.

 

          When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

Link to post
Share on other sites

I love this Doctor!

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually.. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU NO LISTEN! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q
:
Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!
Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

 

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"
AND.....

 

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

 

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

 

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

 

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

 

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Link to post
Share on other sites

A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up my lovely date who happened to be living with her parents at the time...I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu; Filet Mingon, Lobster, Champagne. I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like this when you eat at home?" "No," she replied. "but my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight."

 

I then replied, "Would you care for dessert?"

Link to post
Share on other sites

I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

 

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice Cabernet. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

 

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, because I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry if I have this in the wrong forum...

Much faster than Google Earth.

 

WHEN YOU BEGIN TO TYPE, PICTURES WILL START TO APPEAR…YOU CAN IGNORE THEM UNTIL YOU FINISH THE ENTIRE ADDRESS AND ZIP CODE IF YOU LIKE. TYPE THE ADDRESS AS IF YOU WERE PUTTING IT ON A LETTER TO MAIL.

Sorry if this is in the wrong forum...

This is new technology.

After opening the link below, type in the address you want slowly, letter byletter, space by space, and watch each time where it takes you. It worksworldwide.

 

http://showmystreet.com/

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference... If it is a commercial flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Army aircraft, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Air Force aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."

 

________________________________

 

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. "Yours is."

 

_____________________________

 

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

 

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

________________________________

 

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "Sure, buddy."

Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!" "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "No, SIR!"

 

________________________________

 

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?

A: He'll tell you.

 

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?

A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

 

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?

A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

 

______________________________

An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

 

The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

 

The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

________________________________

 

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave."

 

"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

Link to post
Share on other sites

my mom sent me this email

 

 

Subj: Marine Corp Teacher

 

Now, that's what I'm talking about...My kind of teacher

 

 

A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher. Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.

 

 

 

The smart aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.

 

 

 

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

 

 

 

Dead silence... He had no trouble with discipline the rest of the year.

Link to post
Share on other sites

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Saskatchewan prairies without water.

 

His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last

breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground

several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what

looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing a Revenue Canada ID badge and a dull grey dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one

ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie..You know how I work....You have

three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going to trust a

Revenue Canada genie.'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks like

you're a goner anyway!'

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.

'OK!, I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen

And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

** *POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare

gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no

matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

Moral of the story:

 

If the Canadian government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

A modern day cowboy hasspent many days crossing the Saskatchewan prairies without water.

 

His horse has already died of thirst.

 

He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath,when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yardsahead of him.

 

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing a Revenue Canada ID badge and a dull grey dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.'Well, cowboy,' says the genie..You know how I work....You have three wishes.'

 

'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going to trust a Revenue Canada genie.'

 

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks like you'rea goner anyway!'

 

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right. 'OK!,I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink.'

 

***POOF***

 

The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen Andhe is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

 

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

 

'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

 

** *POOF***

 

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare goldcoins and precious gems.

 

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'

 

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

 

***POOF***

 

He was turned into a tampon.

 

Moral of the story:

If the Canadian government offers to help you, there's going to be a stringattached.

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath.. She puts her foot in and pauses...

She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."

She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchentable having tea listening to her sisters.

She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," she knocked on wood.

She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

__________________________________

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME!!!

An elderly Lady called 999 on her mobile phone to report that her car has been broken into.

 

She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the operator: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The operator said, "Stay calm an officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the

Officer radios in. "Disregard.." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake.."

_____________________________________

I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

 

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.

One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday..."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

_____________________________________

SUPERSEX

 

A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex.." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she

Said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

_____________________________________

ROMANCE

 

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked..

"To get my teeth!"

_____________________________________

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE

 

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces," Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

_____________________________________

OLD FRIENDS

 

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name.. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

 

Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"

_____________________________________

SENIOR DRIVING

 

As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, " Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on M25. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Vernon , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!"

_____________________________________

DRIVING

 

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a fewmore minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

A blonde was Weed-a-whacking her yard and accidentally cutoff the tail of her cat, who was hiding in the grass.

 

She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to WAL-MART!

 

Why WAL-MART?

 

HELLOOOOOOOOO!

WALMART is the largest Re-tailer in the world!

Link to post
Share on other sites

A glassof wine

 

To my FRIENDS who enjoy a glass of wine..

And those who don't and are always

seen with a bottle of water in their hand.

 

As Ben Franklin said:

In wine there is wisdom,

In beer there is freedom,

In water there is bacteria.

 

In a number of carefully controlled trials,

Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink

1 litre of water each day,

At the end of the year we would have absorbed

More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria

Found in faeces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

 

However,

We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer

(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)

Because alcohol has to go through a purification process

Of boiling , filtering and/or fermenting .

 

Remember:

Water = Poop,

Wine = Health

 

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,

Than to drink water and be full of $hit..

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Today's word is..................Fluctuations

 

I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.

 

There wa sjust one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen fordollars.

 

It was obvious she was a little irritated ... . She asked the teller,"Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

 

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

 

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Please be careful - I have become a victim of a clever scam and you could be as well.

 

Here's how the scam works: two seriously good looking 18-20 yr. old women knock on your door and ask if they can come in and wash your windows. They don't even hesitate once in the door --- they immediately start wiping your windows using Windex and rags...with their breasts practically falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is *impossible* not to look! When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No Thanks" and instead ask you to give them a ride to the bus stop. You agree and they get in the back seat of your car - on the way to the bus, they start making out and then one of them crawls into the front seat and starts to fondle you. When the one in the front seat starts to give you oral sex, the other girl steals your wallet.

 

My wallet was stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again Saturday, yesterday, and most likely again tomorrow.

 

 

 

 

:D

Link to post
Share on other sites

Letter to a Men's helpline...

 

Hi Bob , I really need your advice on a serious problem:

 

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot.
I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?

 

 

 

REPLY

 

The bracket will most likely have to be replaced as there is too much strain on that part to trust it to welding.

 

More importantly however it is time to confront your wife.

 

Most likely she or one of her friends has hit the boat with her car and caused this crack she really needs to be more careful.

 

 

I'm here to help with your problems

 

Bob

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Blonde in Methodist Church

A local, North Carolina preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I Belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am offended and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."

 

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

 

Again all was quiet.

 

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

 

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I heard that Life was like a penis...simple, relaxed and hanging free. It's women that make it hard......

 

 

You know what's like a penis? A doctoral degree:

  • Simply for having one, you get paid more than someone who doesn't have one, even if you do exactly the same work.
  • Except in very rare cases, you don't actually use it on the job.
  • Polite people don't spend a lot of time talkng about theirs or calling attention to the fact they have one.

 

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

This says it all about getting older & the whole aging thing.

A elderly couple Lucy & John were recently attending church services at The Villages.

 

About halfway through the service, Lucy took a pen and paper out of her purse, and wrote a note and handed it to John .

 

The note said:" I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

 

John scribbled back, " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

WhyItalian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, Iwan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so youwill always remember me."

 

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watchinstead?"

 

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna havea beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos."

 

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with anotherman. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up'?"<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;"><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;">

Link to post
Share on other sites

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.

To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a

Sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'

For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.

 

He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.

 

So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

They walk amongst us!

-------------------------------------

 

*Oneday I was walking down the beach with

Some friends when someone shouted.....

'Look at that dead bird!'

Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

They walk among us!

 

----------------------------------------------------------

While looking at a house, my brother asked the

Estate agent which direction was north because

He didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.

She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'

My brother explained that the sun rises in the east

And has for sometime. She shook her head and said,

'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'

They Walk Among Us!

--------------------------------------------

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,

when we overheard an admin girl talking about the

sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.

She drove down in a convertible, but said

she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned

because the car was moving'.

They Walk Among Us!

------------------------------------

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car

which is designed to cut through a seat belt

if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.

They Walk Among Us!

 

-------------------------------------------------

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.

The woman there smiled and told me not to worry

because she was a trained professional and

said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,

'Has your plane arrived yet?'...

(I work with professionals like this.)

They Walk Among Us!

------------------------------------------------

 

While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man

ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut

into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time

then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry

enough to eat 6 pieces.

They Walk Among Us! And last, but not least:

------------------------------

Dumb as a box of Rocks

TRUESTORY:

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track..'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'

Sadly, they walk among us!

 

----------------------------

Traffic Camera

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result.. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace... Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..

 

You can't fix stupid.

Link to post
Share on other sites

NastyDivorcee

 

CURTAIN RODS

 

On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes,crates and suitcases.

 

On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

 

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautifuldining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, andfeasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar,and a bottle of spring-water.

 

When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and depositeda few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtainrods.

 

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

 

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, andat first all was bliss.

 

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

 

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out theplace. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

 

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought into set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a fewdays, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.Nothing worked!People stopped coming over to visit.

 

Repairmen refused to work in the house.The maid quit.

 

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decidedthey had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price inhalf - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

 

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused toreturn their calls.

 

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had toborrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

 

Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. Shetold him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that hemissed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorcesettlement in exchange for having the house.

 

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, sheagreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth ... butonly if he would sign the papers that very day.

 

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered thecompleted paperwork.

 

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as theywatched the moving company pack everythingto take to their new home ..... and tospite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods

 

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

 

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

 

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

 

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

 

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

 

And the golfer walks off.

 

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want… a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

 

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

 

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here, ' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

 

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

 

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

 

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

 

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

 

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

 

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'

 

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

 

 

 

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

 

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.

 

They get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to discover that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

 

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says: "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

 

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the University of Illinois School of Law, and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

 

The last one, a blonde (you knew it), is strapped in and says: "Well, I'm from Ohio and just graduated from Ohio State University with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

Link to post
Share on other sites

MURDER AT TESCO (A large British grocery Chain)

Tired of constantly Being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

 

A 'friend of a friend'Put him in touch with a strange, dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £10,000.

 

The Husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside.

 

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.

------------------------------------------

A few Days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco Supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

----------------------------------------

However, Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

 

Under intense Questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

 

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

 

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 @ Tesco

Link to post
Share on other sites

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other and then go in, thinking, This is too good to be true.

 

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"

 

There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis - shaken, not stirred - and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."

 

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.

 

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

 

"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer - it's all the same.""Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

 

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

 

The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida -- they're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."

Link to post
Share on other sites

MURDER AT TESCO (A large British grocery Chain)

Tired of constantly Being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

 

A 'friend of a friend'Put him in touch with a strange, dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £10,000.

 

The Husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside.

 

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.

------------------------------------------

A few Days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco Supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

----------------------------------------

However, Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

 

Under intense Questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

 

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

 

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 @ Tesco

 

Reminds me of the old chestnut about the lunatic who escaped from the asylum, raped two ladies in the local laundromat and then fled into the hills. The headline in the Daily Astonisher next day screamed: NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS!

Link to post
Share on other sites

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

 

Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

 

Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

 

Student: "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as they are. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".

 

Professor: "Hmmmm, all right. So what's the question?

 

"Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "

 

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer.

 

Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

 

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer:

 

"What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "

 

To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students raise their hands.

 

"All right" says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer.

 

"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30-year-old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22-year-old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical.”

Link to post
Share on other sites

Four engineers are driving to work when the car sputters to a stop on the side of the road.

 

The mechanical engineer is the first to speak up. "This sounds serious. I think the pistons have seized. It's going to be bloody expensive to get the cylinders bored out."

 

The electrical engineer gives his opinion. "No, it sounds more like the alternator failed. They are not too bad to replace, and you can buy them used."

 

Then the chemical engineer chimes in. "No, you guys are wrong. It sounds to me like some water got in the fuel. We just need to drain the tank and the fuel lines."

 

The three of them look over at the software engineer; "Well, you're the hotshot man of the new millennium Mr. Software Engineer. What do you think it wrong?"

 

"Well," he replied casually, "I can't tell you what's wrong, but if we all get out of the car and get back in again, I bet it will start."

Link to post
Share on other sites

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't Happy.

 

Poor old lady slipped and fell in front of me today. I know she was poor, she only had $1.40 in her wallet.

 

Can you believe my neighbour came round and bashed on my door at 2:30 this morning?! Lucky for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

 

My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker. Well, she's not really my girlfriend yet.

Link to post
Share on other sites

THE BRIDE

 

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an

afternoon wedding where the groom was

95 years old and the bride was just 23 years

old. The groom looked pretty feeble and

the feeling was that the wedding night

might kill him since his young bride was a

healthy, vivacious woman.

 

But lo and behold, the next morning, the

bride came down the main staircase slowly,

step by step, hanging onto the banister for

dear life.

 

She finally managed to get to the counter

of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked

really concerned, "Whatever happened to

you, dear? You look like you've been wrestling

an alligator!"

 

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter

and managed to speak, "Geez, he told me

he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I

thought he meant his money!"

 

 

A man goes to see the Rabbi. '

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me.

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her,

I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to

her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?

The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

Link to post
Share on other sites

DONATION

 

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

 

 

'It is!' 'This is the Internal Revenue Service. Can you help us?'

 

'I can!' 'Do you know a Ted Houlihan? '

 

'I do!' 'Is he a member of your congregation?'

 

'He is!' 'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

 

'He will.'

 

----------------------------------------------------------

 

CONFESSION

 

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

 

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many

children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked

up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had

sex with each of them three times.'

 

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

 

Man: 'What sins?'

 

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

 

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

 

Priest: 'Then why are you telling me all this?'

 

Man: 'Hey, I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody!'

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------

 

BROTHEL TRIP

 

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a

young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and

asks how old he is.

 

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

 

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

 

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------

 

SENILITY

 

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting

senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

 

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you

forget to zip down.'

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------

 

PEST CONTROL

 

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a

pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the

bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

 

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she

pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

 

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the

bedroom discovered the man in the closet..

 

'Who are you?' he asked him.

 

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

 

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

 

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man

replied.

 

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

 

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------

 

MARRIAGE HUMOR

 

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

 

Husband: Nothing.

 

Wife: 'Nothing? ... You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

 

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

DINNER

 

Wife: 'Do you want dinner?'

 

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

 

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

 

--------------------------------------------------------

 

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to

give up my seat to a lady.'

 

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

 

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

 

______________________________

 

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my

father hadn't left me a fortune?'

 

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, no matter

who left you the fortune!'

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty

face or my sexy body?'

 

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

___________________________________

 

Husbands are husbands

 

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the

head with a frying pan.

 

'What was that for?' the man asked.

 

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny

on it that I found in your pants pocket'.

 

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the

name of the horse I bet on.'

 

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

 

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on

the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

 

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

 

Wife replied: 'Your horse phoned.'

Link to post
Share on other sites

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elkskin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. The two with comfy furry beds entertained braves and eventually became pregnant.The Squaw who slept on the uncomfotrable hippo skin never had children and devoted her time to tribe politics. One day old squaw and the two sons were made co leaders of the tribe. This just goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

 

 

fixed

 

 

 

 

 

  • Downvote 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

This little Native Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look.

 

"Mom, why is my bigger brother named Thunderstorm?"

 

She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."

 

Then he asked, "Why is my older sister named Cornflower?"

 

She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."

 

"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"

 

"Because we were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."

 

Thoughtfully, Mother paused and asked her son,

 

 

"Tell me, Broken Rubber, why are you so curious about names??"

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hassan & Habib

 

Hassan and Habib are beggars.

They beg in different areas of Sydney.

Habib begs just as long as Hassan but only collects $2 to $3 every day.

 

Hassan brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Habib says to Hassan, 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 notes every day?'

Hassan says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say?'

Habib's sign reads; 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.

Hassan says, 'No wonder you only get $2 to $3 !'

Habib says... 'So what does your sign say?'

Hassan shows Habib his sign....

It reads: 'I only need another $10 to move back to Pakistan ..'

Link to post
Share on other sites

How to get to Heaven from Scotland …

 

I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.

 

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"

 

'No!' the children answered.

 

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

 

Again, the answer was 'No!'

 

By now I was starting to smile.

 

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"

 

Again, they all answered 'No!'

 

I was just bursting with pride for them.

 

I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

 

 

A six year old boy shouted, "Yuv got tae be fukin' dead"

 

 

Kinda brings a wee tear tae yir eye...

Link to post
Share on other sites

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

 

"Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

 

Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

 

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

 

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

 

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

 

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

 

One student said to his friend:

"I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

 

The other student says:

"No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.

He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

 

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him And one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help But notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

 

The old man said,

"I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

 

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

 

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

 

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

 

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

 

The old man said,

"I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

Link to post
Share on other sites

Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich they managed to get by because Tony watched their pennies.

 

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

 

They reached the pearly gates and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

 

Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

 

Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..

 

'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony.. 'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

 

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

 

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.' Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked. That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

 

'No gym to work out at?' said Tony 'Not unless you want to,' was the answer. 'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...' 'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

 

Tony glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your f*****g Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Subject: A NUN AT HOOTERS

 

This is clean and cute.

 

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

 

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.' Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.However, when the revelers saw the nun,the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?

 

The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.''Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.

 

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

 

She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?''Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?''No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.

 

'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.Now, how about that drink?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I've got a mate who love cash. Problem is he never has any.

 

The other day I was at his house and I notice he had 2 eggs in his fridge, I said "Hey mate I'll give you $50 if I can throw 2 eggs at you"

He says "All right you got a deal"

So I get a egg out of the fridge and throw it at him, it's a great shot and I get him right in the middle of the face.

I then turn around and walk out.

Link to post
Share on other sites

A Newfie decides to travel across Canada to see the Pacific Ocean .When he gets to Nanaimo , he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job.

 

He walks into the MacMillan-Bloedel office and fills out an application as an 'experienced' logger. It's his lucky day. They just happen to be looking for someone.

 

But first, the Bush Foreman takes him for a ride into the bush in thecompany pickup truck to see how much he knows. The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree.

 

'See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains.'

 

The Newfie promptly answers, 'Dat dere's a Sitka Spruce and shegot 383 board feet a' lumber in 'er.'

 

The foreman is impressed. He puts the truck in motion and stops again about a mile down the road.. He points at another tree through the passenger door window and asks the same question. This time,it's a bigger tree and of a different class..

 

'Lord tunderin'! Dat's yer Douglas Fir and she got 690 board feet.' says the Newfie.

 

Now the foreman is really impressed. The Newfie has answered quickly and got the answers right without even using a calculator!

 

One more test. They drive a little farther down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver sidewindow.

 

'And what about that one?'Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Newfie says, 'A Yeller Cedar,242 board feet at most.'

 

The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little pissed off because he thinks that the Newfie is smarter than he is.As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks the Newfieto step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, 'See that tree over there. I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree.' The foreman thinks to himself, 'Idiot! How would he know which is thefront of a tree?'

 

When the Newfie reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle whilelooking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk. He runs back to the foreman and hands him the chalk.'Dat's da front a' dat tree fer sure,' the Newfie states.

 

The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, 'How in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree?'

 

The Newfie looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies, 'Cuz someone took a shit behind it!'

 

He got the job. Three weeks later, he became the foreman.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on the shoulder. This evidently pissed the driver off enough that he hung out his window and flipped the woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why.

 

I drive 38 miles each way, every day, to work. That's 76 miles, of these, 16 each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. So, if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 34 miles is not bumper-to-bumper. I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000. In any given group of females, 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That is 642.

 

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that's 449. According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that's 98. And, 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that's 33. According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and the number is increasing.

 

That means, that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed.

 

No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn't DREAM of flipping her off.

Link to post
Share on other sites

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's

Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers

a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat.

 

The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and

asks the shop owner what it costs.

 

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and

thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

 

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the

rat."

 

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the

bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of

the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into

step behind him.

 

Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but

every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and

follow him.

 

By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at

his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even

faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm

from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by

the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at

the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

 

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously,

now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes

rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks

long is behind him.

 

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it

with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay

with the other, as far as he can heave it.

 

Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in

amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater

into the sea, where they drown.

 

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

 

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

 

"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze

lawyer."

Link to post
Share on other sites

Walking through the Oregon woods the other day I came to a clearing where a doe was leaning against a tree. Her fur was all matted, tail flattened and muddy, sweat pouring off her face...overall a mess.

 

She suddenly said: "That's the last time I do that for 2 bucks!".

Link to post
Share on other sites

Mother in law.....almost everybody has one.

A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born:

"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son?.

 

The daughter in law lifted her skirt and said

 

"I don't mean to be rude either... but this is a pussy....not a fucking photo-copier."

Link to post
Share on other sites

This is a story of a 16 year-old boy from Hampshire , England who won the World's Shortest Essay competition.

He was awarded a scholarship at the University of Harvard for his imagination and humour.... Here it is......

 

Shortest Essay:

 

An English university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following elements:

 

1) Religion

2) Royalty

3) Physical Disability

4) Racism 5) Homosexuality

 

The prize-winner wrote:

 

'My God,' cried the Queen, 'That one-legged nigger is a poof'.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Subject: HOODY'S

 

 

 

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two men wearing hoodies arrived.

 

St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said "Wait here. I will be right back."

 

St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance.

 

God says to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you, you can't be racist and judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers.

 

Go back and let them in!"

 

St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh.

 

He returns to God's chambers and says, "Well, they're gone."

 

The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God.

 

 

"No. The Pearly Gates."

Link to post
Share on other sites

An Irish woman is cleaning her husband’s rifle and accidentally shoots him. She immediately dials 999.

 

Irish woman: ''It's my fooken husband! I've accidentally shot him, I've fooken killed him!''

 

Operator: ''Please calm down Mam. Can you first make sure he is actually dead!''

 

*click* .. *BANG*

 

Irish woman: ''Okay, I've done dat.................... What next?''

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Here is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. Remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing (and cares less) tries to make your life miserable...

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

 

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

 

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

 

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

 

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

 

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

 

"We're going to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

 

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant..

 

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

 

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

 

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

 

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

 

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

 

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet
me.

 

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

 

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

 

 

He said: "Who in the HELL screwed up your hair?"

 

<BR clear=all>

Link to post
Share on other sites

Senior Wedding

 

 

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

 

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

 

"Are you the owner?"

 

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

 

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

 

Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."

 

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

 

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

 

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

 

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

 

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

 

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

 

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

 

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The Works."

 

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

 

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

 

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

 

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

 

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

 

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

 

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

 

Pharmacist: "Sure."

 

Jacob: "We'd like to use your store as our Bridal Registry."

 

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

The Last Nickel

 

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son...

He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

 

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face...

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back..

 

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

 

A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

 

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly...After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

 

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word..

 

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

 

"No" the woman replied. "I'm with the IRS".

Link to post
Share on other sites

The Parking Officer's Funeral

 

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral

a voice from inside screams:

"I'm not dead, I'm not dead! Let me out!!!"

 

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters:

"Too late pal, the paperwork's already done"

 

cheers,

Link to post
Share on other sites

A man goes to his physician and is shocked to find that he has been replaced by a super-computer. The computer asks him his ailments and the man says he has a sore elbow. A drawer pops out and he is asked to urinate in it. After a few bleeps and flashing lights the computer decides he has tennis elbow.

 

The man is annoyed and decides to get one over on this machine so he asks his wife for a urine sample. He then mixes this with urine from his dog and his small son and to top it off, adds some of his sperm. He takes it to the computer-physician who again asks him for a sample. He places the urine/sperm sample in the drawer and the computer makes its usual display of bleeps and flashes before telling him that his wife is pregnant, his dog has rabies, his son has chicken pox and if he doesn't stop masturbating he'll never get rid of his tennis elbow.

Link to post
Share on other sites

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 70-year-old Texas

rancher (whose hand had caught in a gate while working cattle), a doctor

and the old man were talking about George W. Bush being in the White

House. The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a 'post turtle'."

 

Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a

post turtle was.

 

The old man said, "When you're driving down a country road and

you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post

turtle."

 

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he

continued to explain, "You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't

belong there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you

just want to help the poor stupid bastard get down."

 

I always like Bush, for the most part anyway, but still thought this was a wonderfully clever joke. Now that we're almost 4 years into the next administration I have to wonder if Obama keeps Eric Holder around so he won't appear to be the most incompetent (and corrupt) man in Washington

Link to post
Share on other sites