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The Importance Of "Correct Punctuation"

 

Dear John:

 

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind,

thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and

inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no

feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let

me be yours?

 

Gloria

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Dear John:

 

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind,

thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and

inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no

feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you

let me be?

 

Yours,

Gloria

 

 

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The Importance Of "Correct Punctuation"

 

Dear John:

 

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind,

thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and

inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no

feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let

me be yours?

 

Gloria

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Dear John:

 

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind,

thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and

inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no

feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you

let me be?

 

Yours,

Gloria

 

Dear Gloria,

You're a pretentious cunt. All about you are people who are generous, kind and thoughtful people, who are not like you. Your sister for instance. I'd admit to being useless and inferior but your sister seems to think I'm God as she's been calling out "oh my god!" all afternoon. I may have ruined her for other men as well. For any other women I yearn, for you I have no feelings. When we're apart I can bang your sister forever, will you pack you shit and GTFO?

 

Yours,

John

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Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.

 

They get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to discover that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

 

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says: "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

 

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the University of Illinois School of Law, and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

 

The last one, a blonde (you knew it), is strapped in and says: "Well, I'm from Ohio and just graduated from Ohio State University with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

 

 

As a graduate of the University of Michigan, I love this joke!

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The Importance Of "Correct Punctuation"

 

Dear John:

 

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind,

thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and

inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no

feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let

me be yours?

 

Gloria

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Dear John:

 

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind,

thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and

inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no

feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you

let me be?

 

Yours,

Gloria

 

Dear Gloria,

You're a pretentious cunt. All about you are people who are generous, kind and thoughtful people, who are not like you. Your sister for instance. I'd admit to being useless and inferior but your sister seems to think I'm God as she's been calling out "oh my god!" all afternoon. I may have ruined her for other men as well. For any other women I yearn, for you I have no feelings. When we're apart I can bang your sister forever, will you pack you shit and GTFO?

 

Yours,

John

 

 

Priceless.

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Two people are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea.

 

"What's this?" asked the skipper, "It looks as if someone is drowning!"

 

"No," explained his crew, "It's just a little wave."

 

 

********************************************8

 

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

 

The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

 

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "We're going to Europe, and he's screwing me." "He sure is, lady," said the Captain. "This is the Robben Island Ferry."

 

 

 

 

***********************************************

 

A mobo-er meets an old salt in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the aging skipper's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch The mobo-er asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

 

The raggie replies "We were caught in a huge storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as me crew were pullin' me out a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off".

 

"Blimey!" said the mobo-er . "What about the hook"?

 

"Ahhhh...", mused the old salt, "We were in a bar in Casablanca and a little disagreement ensued over a woman. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."

 

"Blimey!" remarked the mobo-er. "And how about the eye patch"?

 

"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye", answered the abashed raggie.

 

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the questioner asked incredulously.

 

"Well..." said the old salt - " it was me first day with the hook."

 

 

 

 

************************************************

 

 

 

Nervous first timer to skipper. "Do yachts like this sink very often?".

"No, usually it's only once!"

 

 

 

*************************************************

 

 

 

An old sea captain was sitting on a bench near the wharf when a young man walked up and sat down. The young man had spiked hair and each spike was a different color.... green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

After a while the young man noticed that the captain was staring at him.

 

"What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?

 

The old captain replied, "Got drunk once and married a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son!" __________________

 

 

 

 

For the Limeys>>>

 

 

 

 

 

 

-My wife went on a sailing course in Poole

 

-In Dorset?

 

-Yes, she'd recommend it to anyone.

 

 

 

**********************

 

 

An old sailor was having a beer in a bar when he started chatting to the young lass who was sitting beside him. After a while he asked her, "What do you do?"

She replied "I am a lesbian."

Looking a bit puzzled, he asked "What does a lesbian do".

"When I wake up in the morning, the first thing I think of is beautiful women. Then all day all I think of is beautiful women. And the last thing I think of at night is beautiful women", she replied.

He was quiet for a few minutes as he sat there thinking about this. So she asked him, "And what do you do?"

"I used to think I was a sailor," he replied. "But now I find out I am a lesbian."

 

 

 

*******************************************

 

 

 

My wife has just sailed to the Caribbean.

 

Jamaica?

 

No, she wanted to

 

 

 

************************************

 

 

 

Two guys have just finished three hours of racing round the cans in their clubs keelboats. They retire for a shower before going to the bar. As they are dressing one sees the other putting on a black lacy bra,panties suspender belt and stockings. "Good grief George- how long have you been wearing those!" "Ever since Mary found them under the chart table" George replied.

 

 

 

**************************************

 

 

 

Why do divers always roll backwards into the water? Otherwise they would fall into the boat.

 

 

 

*****************************************************

 

Why is it always "women and children first"? The sharks won't be hungry anymore.

 

 

 

**************************************************************

 

Where can you find a sailor's bathroom?

On the poop deck.

 

Why did the Pirate give his ship a coat of paint?

Its timbers were shivering.

 

What do sailor's use to blow their noses?

Anchor-chiefs.

 

What do Sea Monsters love to eat?

Fish and Ships.

 

 

 

*********************************************

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The Irish crew of a sailing boat were tasked with burying their mate Murphy who wanted to be buried at sea.

 

 

 

 

Pat and Mick had rowed out a little when Pat got out of the boat and stood knee deep in water,

 

 

 

We need to go out further says Pat,

 

 

 

so they row out another fifty yards then Pat jumps out and the water reaches his chin,

 

 

 

 

 

We need to go out further says he, so they row another 100 yards.

 

 

 

 

Pat jumps out again and dissapears under water, after 5 min he reapears and after a little coughing and spluttering

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

says to Mick, "Thats far enough give me out the shovel.

 

 

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A California Love Story

 

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

 

After having great sex ... She spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles ... Something she just loved to do.

 

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?" "Because" ... She Replied ..... "I Really Miss Mine."

 

I told you it was a California Love Story.

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The Importance Of "Correct Punctuation"

 

Dear John:

 

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind,

thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and

inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no

feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let

me be yours?

 

Gloria

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Dear John:

 

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind,

thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and

inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no

feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you

let me be?

 

Yours,

Gloria

Helping your Uncle Jack off a horse.

 

Helping your uncle jack off a horse.

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The Importance Of "Correct Punctuation"

 

Dear John:

 

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind,

thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and

inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no

feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let

me be yours?

 

Gloria

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Dear John:

 

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind,

thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and

inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no

feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you

let me be?

 

Yours,

Gloria

Helping your Uncle Jack off a horse.

 

Helping your uncle jack off a horse.

 

That's no way to speak about your aunt.

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Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

<><>

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt

<><>

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..

- Mark Twain

<><>

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible

- George Burns

<><>

 

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

<><>

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

<><>

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

<><>

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

<><>

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

<><>

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

<><>

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine

<><>

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield

<><>

Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan

<><>

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .

- Joe Namath

<><>

 

 

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

<><>

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..

- W. C. Fields

<><>

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers

<><>

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

<><>

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..

- Phyllis Diller

<><>

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Bill y Crystal

And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and

may nothing but happiness come through your door.

 

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HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

(written by kids)

-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

-- Alan, age 10

-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.

-- Kristen, age 10

 

2.
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then..

-- Camille, age 10

 

 

3.
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

-- Derrick, age 8

 

 

4.
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.

-- Lori, age 8

 

 

5.
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.

--Lynnette, age 8
(isn't she a treasure)

 

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

-- Martin, age 10

 

 

6.
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

-When they're rich.

-- Pam, age 7
( Love her )

 

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.

-- Curt, age 7

 

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.

-- Howard, age 8

 

 

7.
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.

-- Anita, age 9
(bless you child )

 

 

8.
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?

-- Kelvin, age 8

 

And the #1 Favorite is .......

 

 

9.
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.

-- Ricky, age 10

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LET'S JUST OFFEND EVERYBODY

 

I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'

 

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.

 

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually '

 

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope, you're still black'

 

Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance, with a face like that!'

 

A 10 year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.'

 

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

 

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

 

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself...'I'm going to take that.'

 

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him Where am I? The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. 'You're in that basket.'

 

I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was, Where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer...Well, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?

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A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the M25 and nothing was moving.

 

Suddenly, a man knocked on the window.

 

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

 

"Terrorists have kidnapped all of our MP’s during a sitting of parliament,

and they're asking for a £100 million ransom otherwise they are going to

douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car

collecting donations."

 

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

 

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

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Redneck Medical Dictionary

Rednecks have the lowest stress rate because they do not take medical terminology seriously.

 

Artery: The study of paintings

 

Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria

 

Barium: What doctors do when patients die

 

Benign: What you be, after you be eight

 

Caesarean Section: A neighborhood in Rome

 

Cat scan: Searching for Kitty

 

Cauterize: Made eye contact with her

 

Colic: A sheep dog

 

Coma: A punctuation mark

 

Dilate: To live long

 

Enema: Not a friend

 

Fester: Quicker than someone else

 

Fibula: A small lie

 

Impotent: Distinguished, well known

 

Labor Pain: Getting hurt at work

 

Medical Staff: A Doctor's cane

 

Morbid: A higher offer

 

Nitrates: Rates of Pay for Working at Night, Normally more money than Days

 

Node: I knew it

 

Outpatient: A person who has fainted

 

Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis

 

Post Operative: A letter carrier

 

Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery

 

Rectum: Nearly killed him

 

Secretion: Hiding something

 

Seizure: Roman Emperor

 

Tablet: A small table

 

Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport

 

Tumor: One plus one more

 

Urine: Opposite of you're out

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But my wife won't like it...

A Golfer accidentally overturned his cart.

 

Elizabeth, a "beautiful" real golfer who lived in a villa on the

golf course heard the noise and yelled over to him.

 

"Hey, are you okay, what's your name?"

"Willis," he replied.

 

"Willis forget your troubles. Come to my villa,

rest up and I'll help you get the cart up later."

 

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered,

"but I don't think my wife would like it."

 

"Aw come on," Elizabeth insisted. She was very pretty and persuasive.

 

"Well okay," Willis finally agreed, And added, "but my wife won't like it."

 

After a hearty drink AND sexy driving and putting lessons, Willis thanked his host.

"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset."

 

"Don't be foolish!” Elizabeth said with a smile , she wont know any thing. By the way, where is she?"

 

"Under the cart!"

 

 

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My wife says she's going to a fancy dress party as a witch with a hairy wart on her nose.

 

She could at least make an effort.

 

=======================================

 

Auto-correct on iPhone drives me mad .

 

It's so hard to write a dirty joke when it won't let me swear..

 

Tucking pile of shot.

 

=====================================

 

The Ultimate Ethnic Joke

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech,

an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans,

...Walk into a very fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group.........

"You can't come in here without a Thai.”

 

=================================

 

MEN!!!!!

 

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE !'

And they say blondes are dumb....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world...'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...... '.

------------ --------- -------

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower.. 'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

------------ --------- --------- --------- ----

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor

 

--------- --------- --------- ----

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;

Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

AMEN

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

 

Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --

 

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy. .

------------ --------- --------- --------- ------

 

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---

 

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?</SPAN>

A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -

 

While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world……...

 

………….Then He made the earth round.

 

 

 

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Hey Scott whose side are you on?!? I don't find those men jokes funny at all. :-/

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Before Obama was elected President he went to see Bill and Hillary for some campaign advice, at their spacious home.

 

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

 

When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that Clinton had a solid gold urinal! Wow!

 

That afternoon, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal. "Just think,' he said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal. But I wouldn't have something so self-indulgent!"

 

Later, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed Obama had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, Bill had a gold urinal.

 

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill:

 

"I found out who pissed in your saxophone."

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Golfing Hit Man

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'

 

'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

 

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'

 

'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.

 

'You're joking!' was the response.

 

'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'

 

'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

 

'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom.. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her......He's naked, too!!!

 

Fuming, he turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'

 

'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'

 

'Can you do two for me now?'

 

'Sure, what do you want?'

 

'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.'

 

'Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'

 

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few

minutes.

 

'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.

 

'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here.....'

 

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A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.

 

Her mom calmly said- "that part where hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair"

the girl smiled.

 

At dinner, she told her sister-"my monkey has grown hair"

 

Her sister smiled and said-"that's nothing, mine is already eating bananas" .

 

Mom fainted...

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On a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

 

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip places you above the rest of us. Look at me.... I'm ME. I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood.. What do you say to that ?"

 

The Englishman gave him a knowing little smile and replied,

 

"Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap."

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A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

 

 

 

When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and

without missing a beat, she says:

 

"Well, that's great....that's just great..........some asshole's got my pen!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

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An Arab man was sitting in his hotel in London when there was a knock on his door. "Room service sir" said a voice. The Arab guy opens the door. "Here are the Pringles you asked for sir" said the man. The Arab guy looks at it for 5 minutes and then says (in his deep Arabic accent) "What the fuck is this??? I said "Bring girls".

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A young girl started work in the village chemist shop

 

She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.

 

She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.

 

"Look," he said. "My regular customers don’t ask for condoms, they ask for a 310 [small] a 320 [medium] or a 330 [large]. The word condom won’t even be used.

 

The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the

shop, put out his hand and said "350"...

The girl panicked, ran outside and 'phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

 

"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.

 

She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs.

 

"Yes !" she screamed " He's got one hanging there"....

 

The boss said "Go back in and give him £3-50 - he's the bloody window cleaner!

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Not a joke - more of a test.....

 

"A good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this OUT LOUD you have a strong mind.

 

 

And better than that: Alzheimers is a long, long, ways down the road before it ever gets anywhere near you."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

7H15 M3554G3

 

53RV35 7O PR0V3

 

H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N

 

D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!

 

1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!

 

1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG

 

17 WA5 H4RD BU7

 

N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3

 

Y0UR M1ND 1S

 

R34D1NG 17

 

4U70M471C4LLY

 

W17H 0U7 3V3N

 

7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,

 

B3 PROUD! 0NLY

 

C3R741N P30PL3 C4N

 

R3AD 7H15.

 

PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F

 

U C4N R34D 7H15.

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Not a joke - more of a test.....

 

"A good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this OUT LOUD you have a strong mind.

 

 

And better than that: Alzheimers is a long, long, ways down the road before it ever gets anywhere near you."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

7H15 M3554G3

THIS MESSAGE

53RV35 7O PR0V3

SERVES TO PROVE

H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N

HOW OUR MINDS CAN

D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!

DO AMAZING THINGS

1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!

IMPRESSIVE THINGS

1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG

IN THE BEGINNING

17 WA5 H4RD BU7

IT WAS HARD BUT

N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3

NOW ON THIS LINE

Y0UR M1ND 1S

YOUR MIND IS

R34D1NG 17

READING IT

4U70M471C4LLY

AUTOMATICALLY

W17H 0U7 3V3N

WITH OUT EVEN

7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,

THINKING ABOUT IT

B3 PROUD! 0NLY

BE PROUD! ONLY

C3R741N P30PL3 C4N

CERTAIN PEOPLE CAN

R3AD 7H15.

READ THIS.

PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F

PLEASE FORWARD IF

U C4N R34D 7H15.

U CAN READ THIS.

 

Its pretty easy if you look at the shapes of the numbers, and the letter they most closely resemble.

It make for some interesting cryptic number plates here in Oz...

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A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.

 

The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer."

 

The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror.

 

She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."

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BEST LAWYER / INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY

 

This took place in Charlotte North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

 

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'

 

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

 

The lawyer sued and WON!

 

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

 

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

 

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

 

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

 

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

 

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.

 

ONLY IN AMERICA ...!

 

The roots of that story are from 1965.

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Three guys, a Canadian,Osama bin Laden and uncle sam were out walking together one day, they came across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it

 

"I will give you each one wish, thats 3 wishes in total said the genie"

 

The Canadian says I am a farmer ,my dad was a farmer and my son will also farm,I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.

With the blink of an eye the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming

 

Osama bin laden was amazed so he said - I want a wall around Afghanistan,so that no infidels,Jews or Americans can come into our precious state.

With the blink of an eye the Genie created a huge wall around Afghanistan.

 

Uncle Sam (former engineer) asks -I am very curious please tell me more about this wall, the genie explains "Well its about 25,000 ft high and 500 ft thick and completely surrounds the country nothing can get in or out it is impenetrable"

Uncle Sam said - "Fill it with water"

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A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

 

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hae ony books on suicide?' To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, 'Bugger off, ye'll no bring it back!'

 

Thats it, back into the corner for you PATHETIC

 

EDIT And whats even more PATHETIC is he edited his joke to get it in one font...

 

Actually JBSF you have given me a good laugh, thanks

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My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Getout of this house!" she ordered.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die aslow and painful death!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

So I turned around and replied "So now you want me tostay?"

 

 

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FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER

 

Hollywood Squares:

These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course...

Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

 

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

 

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

 

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

 

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

 

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

 

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

 

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

 

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

 

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

 

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

 

Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

 

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

 

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

 

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

 

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

 

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

 

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

 

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

 

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

 

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

 

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

 

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

 

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

 

Q.. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

 

 

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A young 7 year old boy goes up to his father and asks him, 'Dad, what is the difference between "potentially" & "realistically"?'

 

He thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

 

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

 

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

 

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

 

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

 

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

 

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

 

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

 

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

 

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

 

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars ...

 

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.

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A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert .

 

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

 

He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.

 

The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The Camel.

 

The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.'

 

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.

 

Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

 

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and makes passionate love to the camel.

 

When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

 

'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are."

 

 

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The wife left a note on the fridge:

 

"It's not working, I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay at my Mother's."

 

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold. I have no

idea what in the hell she was talking about............the fridge works

fine.

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ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659

 

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,

She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

 

The case came up in court.

 

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) What he had to say for himself.

 

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time And sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' ... I just lost it.'

 

'CASE DISMISSED'

 

cheers,

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A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "D d d doc, I've bbeen stttutering ffor yyyears and IIII'm tttired of it.

Cccan yyyou hehehelp mmme?"

The doctor says, "Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on."

So he examines him and says, "Well I think I know what the problem is.."

The guy says, "Wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"

The doctor says, "Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords..."

The guy says, "Wwwat cccan we ddo?"

The doctor advises, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one."

The guy says, "Dddeal.....Dddo it!"

The guy has the operation and six weeks later, he comes back into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, you solved the

problem and I don't stutter anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife doesn't like it anymore.

She liked it with my long one. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on"

The doctor says, "P p p piss o o o off. A ddddeal's a dddeal.

 

 

 

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce.

 

The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."

 

"Because," the man says,"I live in a two-story house."

 

The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?"

 

The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.

 

 

 

 

 

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says:

"Before we begin,I'll need to ask you a few questions."

 

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc, and then asks,

"What is your occupation?"

 

"I'm a whore," she says.

 

The accountant balks and says, "No, No, No, that won't work; too gross.

Let's try to rephrase that."

 

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

 

"Sorry, that is still too crude. Try again."

 

They both think for a minute, then the woman says,

"How about 'chicken farmer'."

 

Stunned, the accountant asks,

"What does chicken farming have to do with being a high-end call girl?"

 

"Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year."

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Paddy goes into a Dublin florist shop and says, "Good afternoon, I'd like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend please."

 

The florist looks at him and replies, "Certainly, Sir, what is it you're after?"

 

"A fuck", says Paddy

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Incredible Anagrams

PRESBYTERIAN:

When you rearrange the letters:

BEST IN PRAYER

 

ASTRONOMER:

When you rearrange the letters:

MOON STARER

 

DESPERATION:

When you rearrange the letters:

A ROPE ENDS IT

 

THE EYES:

When you rearrange the letters:

THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:

When you rearrange the letters:

HE BUGS GORE

 

THE MORSE CODE:

When you rearrange the letters:

HERE COME DOTS

 

DORMITORY:

When you rearrange the letters:

DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:

When you rearrange the letters:

CASH LOST IN ME

 

ANIMOSITY:

When you rearrange the letters:

IS NO AMITY

 

ELECTION RESULTS:

When you rearrange the letters:

LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

 

SNOOZE ALARMS:

When you rearrange the letters:

ALAS ! NO MORE Z'S

 

A DECIMAL POINT:

When you rearrange the letters:

I'M A DOT IN PLACE

 

THE EARTHQUAKES:

When you rearrange the letters:

THAT QUEER SHAKE

 

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:

When you rearrange the letters:

TWELVE PLUS ONE

 

 

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

 

MOTHER-IN-LAW:

When you rearrange the letters:

WOMAN HITLER

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Dating in 1957

You need to be able to remember the era to really enjoy this...

 

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1957 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

 

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.

 

"Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?"

 

"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

 

"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.

 

"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."

 

"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.

 

"Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows.

 

"Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!"

 

"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.

 

"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

 

"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

 

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and full circle skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

 

"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.

 

Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

 

"The Twist, Mom!" she angrilyyelled at her mother. "The damned dance is called the Twist!"

 

 

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There once was a medieval village that was being terrorized by a vile monster. The creature was called the Head of Sin because its awful head looked like a devil's face. Each night, the Head of Sin would slither down from the hills and devour one of the villagers. The terrified citizenry called a meeting, and decided to pool their money to hire the great hero Erik.

 

Erik came and listened to the complaints of the villagers. He consulted his Great Hero's Book of Vile Monsters and learned that the Head of Sin loved to eat loons. So Erik captured a loon, tied it up, and brought it back to the village. He then had the villagers dig a deep pit. Erik threw the loon into the pit, hoping to capture the monster and slay it.

 

That night, the Head of Sin crawled to the edge of the pit. It smelled the loon, but the creature also smelled danger, and it ran off, devouring one of the villagers on the way out.

 

After calming the villagers the next day, Erik again consulted his Great Hero's Book of Vile Monsters and learned that the Head of Sin also loved sugar. So Erik gathered up all of the sugar in the village and threw it into the pit. The loon, not having eaten in days, devoured all of the sugar in a single gulp. Erik was struck with panic and ran to and fro, trying to figure out what to do next. But night had fallen, and the Head of Sin would be there soon. Erik crossed his fingers and hoped for the best.

 

That night, the Head of Sin came. It smelled the loon. It smelled danger, but it also smelled the sugar. The Head of Sin quickly slithered down into the pit and devoured the loon. The villagers swarmed over the murderous Head and slew it.

 

Which goes to show that a loon full of sugar helps the Head of Sin go down.

 

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An impoverished old man applied for membership in a rich church. The pastor

attempted to put him off with all kinds of evasive remarks.

 

The old man, becoming aware that he was not wanted, finally said that he would

pray on it. Several days later he returned.

 

"Well," asked the pastor, "did the Lord give you a message?"

 

"Yes sir, he did," was the old man's answer. "He told me it wasn't any use.

He said, 'I've been trying to get in that same church myself for ten years,

and I still can't make it.'"

 

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Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.

 

From the Daily News comes this story of a Leicester couple who drove their car to ASDA, only to have their car break down in the car park.

 

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.

 

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones..

 

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

 

On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.

 

The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

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When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey. Oprah asked, 'Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working, and at your age I think that is remarkable.'

 

George Burns said, 'I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it.'

 

Oprah said, 'I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age.'

 

George said, 'Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it.'

 

Oprah said, 'I have never been with an older man. Would you do it with me?'

 

So they had sex and when they finished, Oprah said, 'I just don't believe I have ever been so satisfied. You are a remarkable man!'

 

George said, 'The second time is even better than the first time.'

 

Oprah asked, 'You can really do it again at your age?'

 

George said, 'Just let me sleep for half an hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes.'

 

When she woke him up, they had great sex again, and Oprah was beside herself with joy. She said, 'Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be even better than the first time. At your age, Oh my, Oh my!'

 

George told her that the third time would be even better. 'You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and call me in thirty minutes.'

 

Oprah asked, 'Does my holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?'

 

George replied, 'No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she stole my wallet!'

 

:lol:

 

cheers

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Benny Shapiro worked at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. He used to tell his friends that he was the curator, although his primary job was to keep the exhibits clean and polished. One day he happened to be dusting around the Arabian exhibit, and he noticed an ancient urn that needed some cleaning. He got out his dust rag and began polishing. Low and behold, an enormous Genie appeared before him.

 

"Master," the Genie began, "I am the Genie of the urn. I can grant you three wishes, but there is one condition I will put on you: You must never shave or cut your beard for the rest of your life, or you will be forced to take my place inside the urn forever."

 

Benny thought about it for a bit, and decided it was a fair condition for three wishes. So Benny wished for 49% of the total Microsoft stock which was promptly granted. Then he wished for the most beautiful woman in the world as his wife, and low and behold, she was. Finally, he wished for fame and fortune and he instantly became a worldwide celebrity.

 

Over the years, Benny's beard became longer and longer until it almost reached the floor. As it grew longer, it began to itch. He tried to ignore it, but the itch became more and more irritating, while the memory of the Genie's warning faded.

 

Finally he decided he had to get rid of the beard and he shaved it off. Instantly he was trapped in the urn, to stay there forever.

 

The moral of the story: A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.

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In the days of primitive tribes and grass huts, there was one tribe which was very warlike. They won many battles, and took control of many other tribes.

One of their customs when they beat another tribe was to take the most prized posession of the enemy's chief.

One time, after a particularly fierce battle they defeated a rich tribe, whose king had a prized solid gold throne.

Our warlike tribe took the throne, and put it in the loft in their cheif's house. Unfortunately, the throne was much too heavy to be kept in a loft in a grass house, and it fell right through the ceiling, onto the cheif, killing him instantly.

The Moral of this story is...... People who live in Grass Houses shouldn't stow thrones!

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For you Guv

 

Several years ago, Mike was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Mike was a good person and made arrangements for Mike to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Mike was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community, and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

 

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large countertop which he had promised his wife. So he called Mike into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

 

But, alas, Mike refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place".

 

 

 

 

 

 

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who he is.

 

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

 

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

 

"What on Earth are those for?" Asked the Irishman

 

They'er for holding my balls while driving

 

The Irishman Says "Well Fooken Jaysus, Mercedes thinks of everything don't they"

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An engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

 

One day God calls Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how’s it going down there in hell?"

 

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We have air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

 

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake—he should never have gone down there; send him up here."

 

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

 

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

 

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

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THE OLDER WOMAN

 

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 61 year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

 

We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double. 'What's that?' I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

 

I said, 'No,' - excitedly.

 

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.

 

I went back to her place.

 

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'

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A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked. 'Well, I can think of only one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!' St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?' 'Couple of minutes ago

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You know you're Australian if....

 

You know the meaning of 'girt'

 

You believe that stubbies can either be worn or

drunk

 

You think it is normal to have a Prime Minister

called Julia

 

You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired

petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse

 

You've made a bong out of your garden hose

rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden

 

When you hear that an American 'roots for his team you wonder how often and with whom

 

You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds

 

You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'

 

You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff'

 

You believe the letter 'L' in the word ' Australia ' is

entirely optional or at least interchangeable with the letter y

 

You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca

Dacca on the way to Maccas while wearing their tracky-daks

 

You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation

to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, pineapples, prawns and sheep

 

You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but

someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'

 

You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place

 

You believe is makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin

 

You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'

 

You believe that cooked-down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread

 

You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis

 

You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says 'cobber'

 

You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during the chorus

of any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again'

(Hint: NW, GF, FO)

 

You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller in diameter with every passing year

You know what to do with an Iced Vo Vo

 

You still don't get why the 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not spelt with a 'u'

 

You understand that beer isn’t just for breakfast

 

You understand the need for haste in regard to the consumption of a Tim Tam slammer

 

You wear ugg boots outside the house

 

Your garden is full of furniture and your house is full of plants

 

You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them, unless they have a single syllable name in which case you always add the mandatory “o”

 

Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language

 

You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is always polite

 

You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasions via your nose

 

You understand that 'you' has a plural and that it's 'youse'

 

You have no idea what a rising terminal is.

 

You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle

 

Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules of beach cricket

 

You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'

 

You still think of Kylie as 'that girl on Neighbours'

 

When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit

 

You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to

a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered

 

You understand that all train, bus and tram timetables are

works of fiction

 

When working at a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need

to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer

 

You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of your national anthem

and then have trouble remembering the second

 

You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential

in the government's new test for migrants.

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Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Wolfgang, the Wonder Dog.

 

I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

 

What did she think I had, an elephant? So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

 

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

 

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.

 

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

 

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

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Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Wolfgang, the Wonder Dog.

 

I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

 

What did she think I had, an elephant? So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

 

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

 

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.

 

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

 

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

 

- 1

 

 

I went to Costco the other day

 

...and told the check out chick she looked like she been hit by a truck...

 

The people behind me agreed.

 

use_your_imagination1.jpg

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Written across the wall of the cave were the following hieroglyphics symbols:

Screen-shot-2011-10-16-at-1.19.35-AM.png

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least 3000 years old!

The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The President of the society pointed to the first drawing and said:

Screen-shot-2011-10-16-at-1.19.35-AM.png

“This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem.

You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.

The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them.”

Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn’t grow, they seek food from the sea.

The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,

Screen-shot-2011-10-16-at-1.19.35-AM.png

“Idiots…Hebrew is read from right to left… It says: ‘Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick”

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HOW YODELING BEGAN

 

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

 

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland .

 

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

 

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

 

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, 'Who is that man going into the barn?'

 

'That fellow traveling through,' said the farmer. 'needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.'

 

The daughter said , 'Perhaps he is hungry.' So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.

 

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

 

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

 

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

 

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. 'How could he leave without even saying good-bye,' she cried. 'We made such passionate love last night!'

 

'What?' shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

 

The farmer screamed up at him, 'I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!'

 

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out. ....

 

 

''LAIDTHEOLADEETOO''

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Two Hutterites walk into a pet shop in Swift Current and

head directly to the bird section. Jacob, the Preacher,

says to John, the Farm Boss, "Dat's dem."

 

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

 

"Yeah, ve'll take four of dem little budgies in dat cage up dere", says John.

 

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Jacob and John pay

for the birds, leave the shop, get into the colony van and drive over

to the train trestle bridge. From the top of the bridge, John looks down

at the 200 - foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."

 

He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and

jumps off the bridge. Jacob watches as John falls all the way to the bottom.

 

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Jacob shakes his head and says:

"Dis budgie jumping is too dancherous fer me."

 

 

 

BUT VAIT!!!! . . . dere's more yet . . .

 

PART TWO:

 

 

Moments later, Isaac, the Hog Boss, arrives up on the bridge.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the

bridge carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the

other.

 

"Hey, Jacob, vatch dis," Isaac says. He takes a parrot

from the bag and throws himself off the bridge. Jacob watches

as, halfway down, Isaac takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Isaac continues to plummet until he hits the bottom.

Jacob shakes his head and says,

"Ya, und I'm never trying dat parrotshooting neidder."

 

 

 

BUT WAIT!!!! . . . . . dere's still more yet!!!

 

PART THREE:

 

Jacob is just getting over the shock of losing his two friends when

Abe, the Chicken Boss, appears. He's carrying an old potato sack

out of which he pulls a chicken --- one of those old layer hens.

Abe then grasps the chicken by the feet, holds it over his head

and hurls himself off the bridge, and disappears down and down until he,

too, hits bottom.

 

Jacob shakes his head in sadness. "First der vass John wid his

budgie jumping, den Isaac mitt parrotshooting ...... und now ve've

lost Abe, hen-gliding.

 

 

 

Dats all!!!

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Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during past Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

 

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

 

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

 

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

 

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

 

5. Volleyball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

 

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

 

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

 

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

 

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them....Oh my God, what have I just said?"

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I had to visit the doctor recently about my sore hip.

I overheard the doctor talking to a woman behind a closed door.

I crept over to the door, knelt down, and put my ear to the keyhole so that I could hear clearer. "

Mrs. O'Sullivan," says the doctor, "I'm very sorry but when we sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. O'Sullivan was sent as well.

The results have just arrived and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's.

Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" says the woman.

"Well, Mrs. O'Sullivan, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which of the results is your husband's."

The woman asked if the test could be repeated. The nurse replied: "Normally we can, but the Insurance will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now? said the woman to the nurse.

"Well," says the nurse. "The people at the Insurance company recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.

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This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)

 

 

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach

the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.

 

I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom.

Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait. At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.

 

I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned. Due to the

shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse.

 

This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me. This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was

going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

 

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..."Ooooh that feels good".

 

Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.

 

I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...

 

So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect... :)

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