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25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.









That's scary.





It means 75% are running around untreated.



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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for th

One sunny day in late January 2021, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,

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I was chatting to this lovely blonde girl in the pub last night & telling her of my uncanny ability to be able to tell the exact day on which any woman was born simply by holding their breasts in my hands.

She thought I was having her on but was curious none the less. Eventually her curiosity got the better of her & she said,..."Go on then - give it a go!"

So I stood there feeling her lovely firm breasts for about a minute or so , before she could contain herself no longer & asked, “OK...OK... When was I born?"

I replied "Yesterday.”

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An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."


The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"


Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.


"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.

Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?


The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."


To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"

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Top 7 Morons



AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.



Police in Oakland , CA , spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting,'Please come out and give yourself up!'



An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, herein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts!



A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.


5. DID I SAY THAT??? (the best one so far)

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words:'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted,'that's not what I said!'



A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'.'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted,'This is her husband!'



In Modesto , CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

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There were five houses of religion in a small town:

The Presbyterian Church,

The Baptist Church ,

The Methodist Church ,

The Catholic Church and

The Jewish Synagogue.


Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.


One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.


In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week


The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.


But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.

Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.


Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

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Puns for Educated Minds



The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was

Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.



I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island,

but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .



She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.



A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.



No matter how much you push the envelope,


it'll still be stationery.



A dog gave birth to puppies near the road

and was cited for littering.



A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would

result in Linoleum Blownapart.



Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.



A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall.

The police are looking into it.



Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.



Atheism is a non-prophet organization.



Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'



I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.



A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:

'Keep off the Grass.'



The midget fortune-teller who escaped from

prison was a small medium at large.



The soldier who survived mustard gas and

pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.



A backward poet writes inverse.



In a democracy it's your vote that counts.

In feudalism it's your count that votes.



When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.



If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .



A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says,

'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'



Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'




Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again

that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.



Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?'

The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'



Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain

during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.


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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, Trying to decide who was the one in charge.


"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."


"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."


"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."


"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."


"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."


"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."


All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.


Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,


The stomach was bloated,


The legs got wobbly,


The eyes got watery,


And the blood was toxic.


They all decided that the rectum should be the boss


The Moral of the story?


Even though the others do all the work...


The ass hole is usually in charge

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An engineer and a programmer


A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.


The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.


The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.


The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."


Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.


The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!"


This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.


The programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.


Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"


The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers--all to no avail.


After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

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Actual call centre conversations!


Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't getthrough;

can you help?'

Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'

Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'

Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'


Samsung Electronics

Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'

Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that

I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and

telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the

number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'



RAC Motoring Services

Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am

traveling in Australia ?'

Operator: 'Does the policy name give you a clue?'


Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )

'If I register my car in France , and then take it to England ,

do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'



Directory Enquiries

Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'

Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'

Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'



Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'

Caller: 'Yes.. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland ...'



On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'


Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'

Customer: 'OK..'

Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'

Customer: 'No.'

Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'

Customer: 'No.'

Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'

Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'


Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can

you see the 'OK' button displayed?'

Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'



Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it.

So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?'


This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department..............

Needless to say the Help Desk employeewas fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'


Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.

(Now I know why they record these conversations!):


Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'

Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect .'

Operator: 'What sort of trouble?'

Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'

Operator: 'Went away?'

Caller: 'They disappeared'

Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'

Caller: 'Nothing.'

Operator: 'Nothing??'

Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'

Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'

Caller: 'How do I tell?'

Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'

Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'

Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'

Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type..'

Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator?'

Caller: 'What's a monitor?'

Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.

Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'

Caller: 'I don't know.'

Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where

the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'

Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'

Opera tor: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's

plugged into the wall..

Caller: 'Yes, it is.'

Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that

there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? '

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and

find the other cable.'

Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'

Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into

the back of your computer..'

Caller: 'I can't reach.'

Operator: 'OK. Well, can you seeif it is?'

Caller: 'No...'

Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?'

Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.'

Operator: 'Dark?'

Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is

coming in from the window.'

Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'

Caller: 'I can't..'

Operator: 'No? Why not?'

Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'

Operator: 'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it

licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and

packing stuff that your computer came in?'

Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet..'

Operator: 'Good Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it

up just like it was when you got it.Then take it back to

the store you bought it from.'

Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'

Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'

Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'

Operator: 'Tell them you're too damned stupid to own a computer!'

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It is game day at the University of Georgia..the two announcers are in the booth chatting before the game starts.


The mascot is "UGA" the Bulldog and he came trotting out onto the field. He sits down on The 50 yard line and starts licking his balls.


The first announcer says "wow, I wish I could do that!"


The second announcer says..."He'd BITE You!".

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Natural Laws


1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.


2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.


3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.


4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.


6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.


7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.


8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.


9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!


10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.


11. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, don't have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.


12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.


13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.


14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.


15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.


16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.


17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!!!


18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it, OR the store will stop selling it!!


19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

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The doctor said: 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on

your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'


Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live

for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.


When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time

in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of

himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a

different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. The

big problem was that he no longer was a "whole man".


He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.

' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'


The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see...size 44 long'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.


As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a

new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'


Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

' Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.


Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, 'How

about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'


The salesman said, 'Let's see...size 36.'

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old


The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would

press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

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Watching PHRF races can be fun.


Especially the starts.


It's sorta like watching the Special Olympics only better because nobody gets mad if you laugh at the competitors.


My favorite Olympic moment was the narrated start to the olympic Laser(?) Race. Still the funniest thing I've seen this year.

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This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. Experience.

It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:


What Makes 100%?


What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?


Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.


How about achieving 103%?


What makes up 100% in life?


Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:





Is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.





8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 =98%





11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 =96%


But ,



1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 =100%





2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 =103%


AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.



1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%


So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that whileHard work andKnowledge will get you close, and Attitudewill get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Now you know why some people are where they are!

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It's fall, and the Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like..

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.


But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'


'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.


The weatherman replied,
'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'

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(Copied & pasted from elsewhere)


Top ten words that should be in the EMS dictionary, (but aren't)



"Why is it that the cops and firefighters feel the need to beat on the side of the rig after they close the rear doors?" Rookie Partner asked me the other night. "Do they not see that I'm sitting right there in the driver's seat, watching them in the side mirror? Heck, half the time they do it, I'm still in the back with you!"


"They're called Ambuslaps," I informed him. "Anyone who has ever watched television knows that without Ambuslaps, the EMTs would never know when it's time to take the patient to the hospital."


By the blank look on his face, I could tell he had no idea what I was referring to, so with a brief Google search, I was able to introduce my partner to those wonderful words that should be in Taber's Medical Dictionary, but aren't: EMS Sniglets.


While I was helping my partner broaden his horizons, one thing that struck me was that a great many commonly used EMS Sniglets don't appear on any of the existing lists. So on that note, I give you the top ten words that should be in the EMS dictionary, but aren't:



Incarceritis: A constellation of medical complaints brought upon by the imminent threat of legal confinement. Symptoms include, but are not limited to: dyspnea, chest pain, syncope, seizures, incontinence, and coma. See also stainless steel allergy and post-Miranda syncope.



Malignorance: Combination of the words "malignant" and "ignorance," when ordinary, every day "stupid" doesn't even begin to describe the patient's behavior.



Tachylawdia: Condition in which the patient or family member repeats "Lawdy!" more than 100 times per minute. The condition often presents with PJCs (Premature Jesus Complexes) and, depending upon the patient's religious fervor, intermittent "Amens." Often considered a hallmark sign of status dramaticus.


Example: "The patient exhibited tachylawdia with bigeminal PJCs and intermittent Amens."



Polybabydaddia: Condition affecting females under age 25, who have three or more children by different fathers.



Status dramaticus: Disorder in which the patient exhibits seizure-like activity characterized by the lack of urinary incontinence, presence of coordinated muscle movements, and the absence of an appreciable postictal state.


Patients suffering from status dramaticus usually skip the tonic phase altogether. The condition is often exacerbated by an audience of medical professionals or concerned family members. Usually, the seizure-like activity is broken by the insertion of a nasopharyngeal airway or the phrase, "Hold still, big stick..."


Sub acute status dramaticus may often mimic tachlawdia, and many experts believe they are the same disorder.



Chronic hickory deficiency: Often mistakenly diagnosed as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, or more rarely, Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Easily cured by topical application of hickory to the patient's gluteus maximus, PRN. See also chronic leatheremia.



ECU admit: Admit to the Eternal Care Unit; recently deceased patient.



Wallet biopsy: The act of going through an unconscious patient's wallet, looking for identification, Medic Alert information, or insurance cards.



Low marble count: Manifestations of psychosis in the psychiatric patient with therapeutic psychoactive medication levels. See also chronic microdeckia (not playing with a full deck).



Googlechondria: Condition in which patients look up their symptoms on Google before seeking medical assistance.


Example: "I've been having fever, body aches and this weird rash for about a month. I looked it up on Google, and I'm pretty sure I have ebola."



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60th High School Reunion


He was a widower and she a widow.


They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.


This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.


They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high, the widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.


Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"


After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes ..yes - I will!"


The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled. Did she say “Yes” or did she say “No?”


He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall.. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.


He remembered asking the question but for the life of him he could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her.


First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening.


As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes” or did you say “No?”


"Why you silly man, I said ‘Yes. Yes I will.’ And I meant it with all my heart."


The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.


Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!”










































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A blonde asked someone what the time was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face, replied "you know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."

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I had a dream the other night that I was in a room with Adolf Hitler, Charles Manson and a Bears fan. And there was a gun on a table, but there were only two bullets in it. So I shot the Bears fan twice.

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aww snap, fucking good one


It was hysterical 5 years ago when this thread started.


This was the first ever "dirty joke" I heard on a 63' wooden race boat as a kid, probably when I was 6 or 7 years old after a race. That would make it 50 years ago. It took a few years before I "got it." Then I heard Buddy Hacket tell in on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson 20-25 years ago. Clearly an oldy but a goody!

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Damn Dreaded, that’s pure torture. I would rather staple my nut sack to bass drum peddle and play In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida, the long version.

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Damn Dreaded, that’s pure torture. I would rather staple my nut sack to bass drum peddle and play In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida, the long version.

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Damn Dreaded, that’s pure torture. I would rather staple my nut sack to bass drum peddle and play In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida, the long version.

Damn Dreaded, that’s pure torture. I would rather staple my nut sack to bass drum peddle and play In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida, the long version.



K, Dreaded, there's your first repeat, right there...

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Damn Dreaded, that’s pure torture. I would rather staple my nut sack to bass drum peddle and play In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida, the long version.

We all have our little hobbies

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.


As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman




he ever saw boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat.


As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.


Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out,


"Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said,"Business."


I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."


He swallowed hard.


Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him,


and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.


Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,


"What's your business role at this convention?"


"Lecturer," she responded.


"I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences


to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."


"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?" "


"Well", she explained,


"One popular myth is that African-American men

are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact


it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait."


Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers,


when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.


I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina


is the Southern Redneck."


Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.


"I'm sorry," she said,


"I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you.


I don't even know your name..."


"Tonto," the man said,


"Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.

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Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life.


As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.


One day the evil brother died.


Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.

One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me but I have not seen him here in heaven."


God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere."


"I'm sorry to hear that," the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again."


"You can see him if you wish," God said. “I will give you the power to gaze into hell."


So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.


The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell cannot be that bad."


God explained. "Things are not always as they seem. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."

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“When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said,

“Ah, yes, that’s Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.”

He listened a while longer, and said, “There’s the Eighth Symphony, and it’s backwards, too.

Most puzzling.” So the magistrate kept listening;

“There’s the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…”

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery,


“My fellow citizens, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s just Beethoven decomposing.”

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A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, ' Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... the
Magic Penis


The husband said, 'The what'?


The man repeated, 'The
Magic Penis
,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.


The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'


The man then pointed to the door and said, '
Magic Penis,


The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so,
that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said, '
Magic Penis, return to box
!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.


The husband bought it and took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said '
Magic Penis
my crotch
The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.


On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.


Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this
Magic Penis
thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'


The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right...
Magic Penis, my ass


The rest, as they say, is history.......


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Taxi Driver


A British passenger in a taxi in Dublin leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from the edge of the bridge over the Liffey River.


For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still-shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the devil out of me."


The frightened Brit apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten an Irishman so much.


The driver replied, "Will the saints in Heaven forgive me -- it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab.


I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

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The following questions were set in last year's GED examination

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.


Q. Name the four seasons

A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar


Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink

A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists


Q. How is dew formed

A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire


Q. What causes the tides in the oceans

A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight


Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on

A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed


Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections

A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election


Q. What are steroids

A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)


Q.. What happens to your body as you age

A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental


Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty

A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)


Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes

A. Premature death


Q. What is artificial insemination

A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow


Q. How can you delay milk turning sour

A. Keep it in the cow

(simple, but brilliant)


Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)

A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)


Q. What is the fibula?

A. A small lie


Q. What does 'varicose' mean?

A. Nearby


Q. What is the most common form of birth control

A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)


Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'

A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome


Q. What is a seizure?

A. A Roman Emperor.

(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)


Q. What is a terminal illness

A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)


Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?

A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas


Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning

A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)


Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?

A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight(brilliant)


Q. What is a turbine?

A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

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The Nail


A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Canadian rancher.


One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy:

'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today,

so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in

the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'


The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial

insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.


Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when

Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'


The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me

lady, 'cause I'm dying to know how would YOU know that this is the right

cow to be bred?'


'That's simple," she said. "by the nail that's over its stall,' she

explains very confidently.


Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail



The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess

it's to hang your pants on.'


( It's nice to see a blonde winning once in a while.)

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