Jump to content

Recommended Posts

Two 90-year-old women, Bertha and Betty, had been friends all of their lives.

 

When it was clear that Bertha was dying, Betty visited her every day.

 

One day Betty said, "Bertha, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there."

 

Bertha looked up at Betty from her deathbed and said, "Betty, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."

 

Shortly after that, Bertha died.

 

A few nights later, Betty was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Betty, Betty."

 

"Who is it," asked Betty, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

 

"Betty -- it's me, Bertha."

 

"You're not Bertha. Bertha just died."

 

"I'm telling you, it's me, Bertha," insisted the voice.

 

"Bertha! Where are you?"

 

"In heaven," replied Bertha. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

 

"Tell me the good news first," said Betty.

 

"The good news," Bertha said with joy and enthusiasm, "is that there's women's softball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always Springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."

 

"That's fantastic," said Betty. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"

 

"You're pitching Tuesday."

-------

Life is uncertain - Eat dessert first!!!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Replies 7.9k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Posts

I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for th

One sunny day in late January 2021, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,

Posted Images

A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."

She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."

They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.

She says, "Answer the door."

He says, "But my face is a mess."

She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."

He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."

The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."

Link to post
Share on other sites

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:

 

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

 

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

 

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.

 

She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

 

For some reason, wives tend to like this joke........

Link to post
Share on other sites

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.

 

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

 

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

 

The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

 

The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,

 

"Do you know where God is, son?"

 

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

 

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,

 

"Where is God?!

 

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

 

The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?!"

 

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

 

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,

 

"What happened?"

 

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!"

 

"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"

Link to post
Share on other sites

Keith and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll try being a hooker.

 

She's not quite sure what to do, so Keith says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy.

Tell him you charge a hundred dollars. Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner."

 

She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a guy pulls up and asks

"How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He replies, "All I got is thirty."

 

She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Keith and asks. "What now. What can he get for thirty?"

 

"A hand job," Keith replied. She runs back and tell the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job.

 

He agrees and she gets in the car. He unzips his trousers, and drops out this massive member.

 

She stares at it for a few seconds, then says. "I'll be right back." She runs back to Keith.

 

"What's wrong?" he asks.

 

"Any chance you could lend this guy seventy dollars?"

Link to post
Share on other sites

Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters.

In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.

One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord! play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.

When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.

The crowd goes ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise.

But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Stevie is really annoyed now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage "OK - smart arse, you get up here and do it".

The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing.

"A jazz chord..... to say, I ruv you... "

Link to post
Share on other sites

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.

 

Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

 

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom I have someone for you to meet."

 

Well, it was an immediate hit.

 

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont.

 

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

 

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

 

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning."

 

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

 

The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit -- but now he was wearing a black condom.

 

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

 

He replied,

 

"I want to offer my deepest condolences".

Link to post
Share on other sites

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

 

 

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

 

 

Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

 

 

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

 

 

Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

 

 

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

 

 

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

 

 

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

 

 

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a

 

 

son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.

 

 

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

 

 

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the

 

 

Schitt-Happens nuptials.

 

 

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

 

 

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

 

 

He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride,

 

 

Pisa Schitt.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his girlfriend moved........ forwards then backwards. .... Forwards then backwards. .... ...

 

Back and forth... back and forth....... In and out, in and out.......

 

Her heart was now pounding faster, her face was flushed and she moaned.......softly at first...... then began to groan louder..........

 

Finally exhausted she let out one almighty scream!!!

 

"OK !... OK!... I CANT park the fucking car! You do it you SMUG BASTARD!"

Link to post
Share on other sites

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey

from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver

the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up

and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer, " You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What

happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars

apiece and made a profit of $898.00."

Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny, " Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Link to post
Share on other sites

SCOT'S COMPASSION

 

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.

He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"

The man said "No," so she gave him a big hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"

The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scots woman came to him and said, "'aver ya ever been screwed, laddie?"

The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".

 

She said, "Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in."

Link to post
Share on other sites

They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

 

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

 

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

 

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

 

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

 

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

 

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

 

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

 

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

 

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

 

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

 

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

 

Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!

Link to post
Share on other sites

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

 

She decided she would take her lunch; sit with the workers;

 

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

 

Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "And do you men know Jesus Christ?"

 

They shook their heads and looked at each other. very confused..

 

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

 

One of the steelworkers yelled down , "Why?"

 

The worker yelled back,

 

" Cause his mom's here with his lunch."

Link to post
Share on other sites

Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters.

In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.

One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord! play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.

When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.

The crowd goes ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise.

But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Stevie is really annoyed now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage "OK - smart arse, you get up here and do it".

The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing.

"A jazz chord..... to say, I ruv you... "

 

groan ^_^

Link to post
Share on other sites

The Queen & Dolly Go To Heaven !

 

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

 

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

 

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

 

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.

 

Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

 

The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'

 

Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down.

She wees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?'

 

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven,

 

A Royal Flush Beats a Pair - No Matter How Big They Are.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Cold winter morning, wife sends text to husband 'Windows frozen'

 

Husband sends text back 'pour some luke warm water over it'

 

A few minutes later wife sends text back 'computer is completely knackered now'

Link to post
Share on other sites

I want to share a holiday tip for everyone planning on going to a party this season!

 

At this time of year, when police check points come up with great regularity, I would like to share a personal experience with drinking and driving.

 

As you well know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social function.

 

A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening having a few cocktails with some friends. Knowing full well I may have been over the limit, I did something I've never done before--I took a cab home! Sure enough, I came to a police check point and since it was a cab, they just waved it right past.

 

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a REAL surprise; as I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it, or what to do with it now that it's in my garage!

 

Happy Holidays....

Link to post
Share on other sites

10 solid questions for smart people

 

Date: 2012-12-10, 9:20AM

 

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

 

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21 . In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

 

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness - Lev.15:19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

 

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1 . The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

 

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

 

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

 

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

 

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

 

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

 

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

.Gouv,

 

Not sure about 1. Surely you can own Canadian Bacon, and that's pretty good

 

2. 6-12 goats, unless your daughter has a beard, then 3-5 goats.

 

3. Only way to know for sure is to go down on her. If you feel a string on your face, it's all good.

 

4. You live in Texas. It's called BBQ. Objecting to BBQ is definitely a smiting offense. May I suggest the jawbone of an ass?

 

5. Define "working". If he's a pimp, that's the Lord's work. Nuf said.

 

6. The only way to tell for sure is to try both. Be sure to let us know how that works out for ya.

 

7. That rule is basically so you don't stumble and knock over the wine. If your vision is corrected by glasses, come on up and have a pull.

 

8. No, they should wax their nads.

 

9. Tough one. Is the Lord a Longhorn or an Aggie?

 

10. When you say "two different crops in the same field", do you mean your aunt takes it regular and up the ass? Sounds like your aunt is what we pray for in a wife.

Link to post
Share on other sites

The Polite Way to Pee

 

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach

good manners, asked her students the following question:

 

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice

young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to

the bathroom?'

 

Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

 

The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude

and impolite.

 

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

 

Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.

I'll be right back.'

 

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the

word bathroom at the dinner table.

 

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once

and show us your good manners?'

 

Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a

moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine,

whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

 

The teacher fainted.

Link to post
Share on other sites

.Gouv,

 

Not sure about 1. Surely you can own Canadian Bacon, and that's pretty good

 

2. 6-12 goats, unless your daughter has a beard, then 3-5 goats.

 

3. Only way to know for sure is to go down on her. If you feel a string on your face, it's all good.

 

4. You live in Texas. It's called BBQ. Objecting to BBQ is definitely a smiting offense. May I suggest the jawbone of an ass?

 

5. Define "working". If he's a pimp, that's the Lord's work. Nuf said.

 

6. The only way to tell for sure is to try both. Be sure to let us know how that works out for ya.

 

7. That rule is basically so you don't stumble and knock over the wine. If your vision is corrected by glasses, come on up and have a pull.

 

8. No, they should wax their nads.

 

9. Tough one. Is the Lord a Longhorn or an Aggie?

 

10. When you say "two different crops in the same field", do you mean your aunt takes it regular and up the ass? Sounds like your aunt is what we pray for in a wife.

 

Well Played, Sir!

Link to post
Share on other sites

A letter to Santa.....

 

 

 

Dear Santa,

> How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the

> reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I

> would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for

> Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

> Merry Christmas,

> Timmy Jones

 

* *

> Dear Timmy,

> Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all

> fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the

> time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to

> get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you

> something you can go outside and play with.*

> Merry Christmas,

> Santa Claus

 

* *

> Mr. Claus,

> Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. Nice” contract,

> set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to

> granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this

> joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at

> my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit

> trite?

> Respectfully,

> Tim Jones

 

The FIrst reply should go,

 

Dear Timmy,

 

You have yet to completely fulfill the obligations of the naughty/Nice contract. As you are well aware of that contract ends at 0:00am(Local time) Dec 25th. Threatening me with litigation means you slide over into the Naughty list thus voiding your obligations. I give everyone a chance at earning their prize and thus wait until the last minute to determine who is on which list. You have many days left. you had better be nice.

 

Good luck

Santa

Link to post
Share on other sites

There was a bit of confusion at the Ace Hardware this morning.

 

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun power and bullets, the cashier said to me, "Strip down...facing me."

 

Making a mental note to complain to our local newspaper about the gun registry people running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was telling me how to run my credit card through the reader!

 

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

 

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

Link to post
Share on other sites

There was a bit of confusion at the Ace Hardware this morning.

 

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun power and bullets, the cashier said to me, "Strip down...facing me."

 

Making a mental note to complain to our local newspaper about the gun registry people running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was telling me how to run my credit card through the reader!

 

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

 

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

bugrendy oute the nose on thisse oune..... :)
Link to post
Share on other sites

A scottish woman went to the local newspaper office to publish the obituary for her recently deceased husband.

 

The obits editor informed her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word.

 

She paused, reflected and then said, "Aye, well then, let it read, 'Angus MacPherson died'."

 

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor told her that there is a six word minimum for all obituaries.

 

She thought it over for a while and that said, "Ach, in that case, let it read...'Angus MacPherson died. Bagpipes for sale'."

Link to post
Share on other sites

A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes

him as real Rugby player.

 

 

They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.

They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt.

 

On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.

"What's that for?" the lady questions.

 

 

"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV,

people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."

 

Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg,

he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

 

'What's that ?' the lady questions again.

 

"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo

is seen on TV."

 

Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has

a tattoo that says AIDS.

 

The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"

 

The man replies: "No, no...!!! Calm down...!!!

 

It will sayADIDASin a minute."

Link to post
Share on other sites

This fellow was so deeply in love that just before he was married, he had his bride's name tattooed on his love muscle. Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although when he was aroused, the tattoo spelled out W-E-N-D-Y. Now they're on their honeymoon at a resort in Montego Bay. One night, in the men's room, this fellow finds himself standing next to a tall Jamaican at the urinal.

To his amazement, he notices that this man, too, has the letters W-Y tattooed on his penis. "Excuse me," he says, "but I couldn't help noticing your tattoo. Do you have a girlfriend named Wendy?" "No way, mon, I work for the Tourist board. Mine reads, "Welcome to Jamaica, mon. We have great beaches, great ladies, and great sun, mon! Have a nice day.'"

Link to post
Share on other sites

A pedophile is leading this kid into the woods when the kid looks up and says

"I don't like it here, it is gloomy and dark, I am getting scared."

The pedophile looks down at the kid and says.

"How do you think I feel, I gotta walk out of here alone."

Link to post
Share on other sites

A new take on the old penis tattoo joke. Original: The young nurse come out after assisting a guy and says to the head nurse, he has SWAN tattooed on his penis. The head nurse says knowingly, no dear it says SASKACHEWAN.

 

that's no joke..that was me ;>)

Link to post
Share on other sites

"Father Flanagan!" I shouted to the elderly priest as I ran to catch up to him at the mall. "Father Flanagan! It's good to see you again."

 

"Hello, Red," he responded by tentatively taking my outstretched hand. "It's been a long time. I'm surprised you seem at all pleased to see me after... well, you know... what happened the last time we were together."

 

It was impossible to miss his uncomfortable body language, so I did my best to ease his mind. "It's okay, Padre. I don't blame you. It was all my fault."

 

"I wish I could agree," he said quietly. "I should have known better."

 

Looking at the floor he said quietly, "Still, I'm terribly sorry. If it makes you feel any better, I ask God for forgiveness every single night."

 

"Father, please. It wasn't your fault."

 

"It's so very nice of you to say that, but I still feel guilty."

 

"Father, don't," I replied, "I was the idiot who asked that crazy bitch to marry me."

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

This fellow was so deeply in love that just before he was married, he had his bride's name tattooed on his love muscle. Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although when he was aroused, the tattoo spelled out W-E-N-D-Y. Now they're on their honeymoon at a resort in Montego Bay. One night, in the men's room, this fellow finds himself standing next to a tall Jamaican at the urinal.

To his amazement, he notices that this man, too, has the letters W-Y tattooed on his penis. "Excuse me," he says, "but I couldn't help noticing your tattoo. Do you have a girlfriend named Wendy?" "No way, mon, I work for the Tourist board. Mine reads, "Welcome to Jamaica, mon. We have great beaches, great ladies, and great sun, mon! Have a nice day.'"

 

When Playboy ran the Shorty joke in the sixties it was "Shorty's bar and grill Chattanooga, Tennessee

Link to post
Share on other sites

Catholic Vocabulary List

 

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

 

BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.

 

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.

 

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

 

HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

 

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

 

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

 

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.

 

JONAH: The original 'Jaws' story.

 

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

 

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. (for you non-Catholics it means Lord have mercy)

 

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

 

MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)

 

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

 

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

 

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

 

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

 

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

 

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

 

Little known facts about the Catholic Church in Las Vegas :

There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos. During Sunday services at the offertory, some worshippers contribute casino chips as opposed to cash.. Some are sharing their winnings - some are hoping to win. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, and they are worth money, the Catholic churches are required to send all the chips into the diocese for sorting. Once sorted into the respective casino chips, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash.

And he, of course, is known as The Chip Monk.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Catholic Vocabulary List

 

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

 

BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.

 

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.

 

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

 

HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

 

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

 

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

 

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.

 

JONAH: The original 'Jaws' story.

 

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

 

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. (for you non-Catholics it means Lord have mercy)

 

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

 

MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)

 

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

 

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

 

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

 

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

 

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

 

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

 

 

 

Dude this had me laughing out loud. Every bit is correct. :P

Link to post
Share on other sites

Catholic Vocabulary List

 

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

 

BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.

 

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.

 

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

 

HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

 

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

 

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

 

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.

 

JONAH: The original 'Jaws' story.

 

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

 

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. (for you non-Catholics it means Lord have mercy)

 

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

 

MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)

 

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

 

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

 

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

 

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

 

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

 

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

 

 

 

Dude this had me laughing out loud. Every bit is correct. :P/>

 

Our bowman is a minister (seriously). This is on its way to him in 30 seconds!!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Loving Wife

 

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up & goes into the bathroom.

 

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain....do what ever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both...Be strong, honey. I love you!'

 

His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck.

He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.

I told him it was in the bathroom......

 

Be strong honey. I love you too.'

Link to post
Share on other sites

In a Detroit church one Sunday morning, a preacher said,

 

"Anyone with 'special needs" who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

 

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

 

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

 

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

 

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Leroy answered, " I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."

Link to post
Share on other sites

  • As a little girl climbed onto Santa’s lap, Santa asked the usual question, “And what would you like for Christmas ?”
    The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: “Didn’t you get my E-mail?”
  • “May I speak to the person in charge of gift wrap?”
    “Sorry, she’s all tied up!”
  • What do Christmas trees and bad knitters have in common?
    They both drop their needles.
  • What did the salt say to the pepper?
    Season’s Greetings.
  • Why does Santa have three gardens?
    So he can ‘ho ho ho’!
  • Why did the turkey cross the road?
    Because he wasn’t chicken!
  • What did santa say to his 3 daughters?
    ho!ho!ho!
  • What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
    Snowflakes.
  • Why was Cinderella such a poor football player?
    Because she kept running away from the ball!
  • What did the cow say on Christmas morning?
    Mooooey Christmas!
  • What do you get if a vampire crosses the road with jack frost?
    Frost bite!
  • How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed?
    You wake up wet!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

 

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

 

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.

 

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

 

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" . Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

 

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

 

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

 

The man replied, "They're Carols".

 

***************************************************************

A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"

 

The mother, surprised, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

 

"A Christmas tree?" the young woman asks.

 

"Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only."

 

********************************************8

 

What do all the female reindeer do when santa is busy working with the males on christmas eve?

 

Go into town and blow a couple bucks!

 

*****************************************8

 

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.

 

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."

 

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

 

Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

 

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

 

Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."

 

********************************************

 

 

*************************************************

Link to post
Share on other sites

So, Jim owes Steve a lot of money, and Steve goes over to collect.

"I don't have your money right now," Jim says. "But I've got this frog you can have."

"A frog?" says Steve. "What do I want with a frog"

"Let me tell you," Jim says, stepping in close and whispering. "This frog gives the world's best blowjobs. Swear to god."

So, that evening, Steve's wife comes home, and she finds Steve in the kitchen with the frog on the kitchen counter, a cookbook propped up in front of it.

"Why on earth is there a frog in the kitchen with a cookbook?"

"Let me tell you," Steve says. "If I can teach him how to cook, you're outta here."

Link to post
Share on other sites

A man gets run over by a mobile Library Van, he's screaming and shouting in pain, so the driver of the van gets out and goes over to the man and goes Shhhhhhh!!!

Link to post
Share on other sites

The Guys' Rules

 

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys' side of the story.

(I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear" the rules"

From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

 

Please note.. these are all numbered "1"

ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

 

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.

You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

We need it up, you need it down.

You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

 

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon

or the changing of the tides.

Let it be.

 

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.

And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

 

1. Crying is blackmail.

 

1. Ask for what you want

Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

 

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question..

 

1. Come to us with a problem onlyif you want help solving it. That's what we do.

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

 

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.

See a doctor.

 

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

 

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

 

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.

Don't ask us.

 

1 If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

 

1. You can either ask us to do something

Or tell us how you want it done.

Not both.

If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

 

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

 

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

 

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not Acolor. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

 

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.

We do that.

 

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.

We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

 

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

 

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.... Really.

 

1 Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,

orgolf.

 

1. You have enough clothes.

 

1. You have too many shoes.

 

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

 

Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

 

 

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Apologies if this has been posted previously. don't have time to read the entire thread.

 

There's a new/old sex game called "Rodeo"

 

The man enters the woman from the rear, doggy style.

 

He cups a breast in each hand as he is gently thrusting inside her.

 

He whispers softly in her ear; "Your breasts are almost as large and firm as your sisters!"

 

Then, he hits the stopwatch and sees how long he can hang on!!!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

 

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

 

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

 

So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

 

"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

 

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!

 

"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

 

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

 

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

 

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

 

 

To which Ma replies,"Hurts, don't it?!"

Link to post
Share on other sites

Jeff Gordon announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew. This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Obama's scheme to employ Black Harlem youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed Black youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with thousands of dollars’ worth of high tech equipment.

 

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team, as many races are won or lost in the pits.

 

However, Gordon got more than he bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced Black crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 9 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.

Link to post
Share on other sites

A man is walking behind his wife and says,

"Baby you are so fat now your bum looks like a washing machine."

The woman keeps quiet and keeps walking.

Bed time, the man is asking for sex.

The woman says, "I can't start the washing machine for such a small load.

You'll have to hand wash!"

Link to post
Share on other sites

Naughty Sex Confessions

 

Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.

Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.

Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?" Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100." "Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust.

Link to post
Share on other sites

:

 

 

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, sometime after the honeymoon, he was in his shed cleaning his golf clubs & polishing his golf shoes.

His wife came in and stood there in silence at the bench just watching him. After a long period of icy silence she finally says "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit golf. Maybe you should sell your clubs."

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

”I wasn't “

Link to post
Share on other sites

Apologies if this has been posted previously. don't have time to read the entire thread.

 

There's a new/old sex game called "Rodeo"

 

The man enters the woman from the rear, doggy style.

 

He cups a breast in each hand as he is gently thrusting inside her.

 

He whispers softly in her ear; "Your breasts are almost as large and firm as your sisters!"

 

Then, he hits the stopwatch and sees how long he can hang on!!!

Alternate:

 

"Whispers 'when I see you like this, you remind me of my secretary,' then tries to hang on for eight seconds."

Link to post
Share on other sites

Last week, I took my grand-children to a restaurant.

My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you

for the food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream

for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

 

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a

woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know

how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

 

Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do

it wrong? Is God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and

God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.

He winked at my grand-son and said, "I happen to know that God

thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my grand-son asked.

"Cross my heart," the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose

remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream.

A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

 

 

Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the

meal. My grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will

remember the rest of my life.

 

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed

it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you.

Shove it up your ass you grouchy old bitch! "

Link to post
Share on other sites

My wife said to me, "Honey, make love to me like they do in the movies."

I flipped her over and stuck it in her butt, later on flipped her over and sprayed her in the face.

 

That's when I found out we watch different movies.

 

+1 :rolleyes:

Link to post
Share on other sites

"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked, “How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, “Yes, you'll be fine.

It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

He replied, “Yes, you'll be fine.

It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

 

I've fallen in love with a ficticious girl on a joke thread!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Star Trek

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General.

 

As they talked the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

 

The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help."

 

The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called Star Trek and in it there is... Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on Star Trek."

 

The General laughed, leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future..."

Link to post
Share on other sites

Spanish Oysters

 

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a

day roaming around in Spain .

 

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling,

scrumptious looking platter being served at the

next table.

 

 

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

 

The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste!

Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles

from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

 

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor.

There is only one serving per day because there is

only one bull fight each morning.

If you come early and place your order, we will be

sure to save you this delicacy.'

 

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his

order, and that evening was served the one and only

special delicacy of the day.

 

After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called

to the waiter and said,

 

'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller

than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

 

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,

'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull he wins."

Link to post
Share on other sites

Ponderings

 

Lying in bed, pondering the problems of the world, I quickly realized I don't really give a rat's hiney. It's the tortoise life for me!

 

1.If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

 

2.A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.

 

3.A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

 

4.A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

 

 

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

 

1.I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

 

2.My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.

 

3.I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

 

4.Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

 

5.Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

 

6.If all is not lost, where is it?

 

7.It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

 

8.Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

 

9.I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

 

10.Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

 

11.Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

 

12.It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

 

13.The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

 

14.If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

 

15.When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?

 

16.It’s not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

 

17.The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

 

18.These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter: I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after.

Link to post
Share on other sites

The Importance of walking

 

Walking can add minutes to your life.

This enables you at 85 years old

to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing

home at $2,000 per month.

 

 

My grandpa started walking

five miles a day when he was 60.

Now he's 97 years old

and we have no idea where the hell he is.

 

I like long walks,

especially when they are taken

by people who annoy me.

 

The only reason I would take up walking

is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

 

I have to walk early in the morning,

before my brain figures out what I'm doing...

 

I joined a health club last year,

spent about 250 bucks.

Haven't lost a pound.

Apparently you have to go there!

 

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',

I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

 

I do have flabby thighs,

but fortunately my stomach covers them.

 

The advantage of exercising every day

is so when you die, they'll say,

'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

 

 

 

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,

start with a small country.

 

I know I got a lot of exercise

the last few years,......

just getting over the hill.

 

We all get heavier as we get older,

because there's a lot more information in our heads.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

 

AND

 

Every time I start thinking too much

about how I look,

I just find a pub with a Happy Hour

and by the time I leave,

I look just fine.

 

 

You could run this over to your friends

But just e-mail it to them!

It will save you the walk!

Link to post
Share on other sites

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to

the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

 

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will

be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and

pulls out the exact change for payment.

 

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man

says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

 

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

 

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

 

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"

asks the waitress.

 

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and

a salad," says the man.

 

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

 

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and

places it on the table.

 

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,

sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change

in your pocket every time?"

 

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and

found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered

me two wishes.My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,

I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money

would always be there."

 

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a

million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want

for as long as you live!"

 

"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact

money is always there," says the man.

 

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

 

The man sighs, pauses and answers,

 

"My second wish was for a tall chick

with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Why..... Why..... Why..... ???

Woman asks:

If I sleep with 3 men, everyone calls me a slut.

But when a man sleeps with 10 girls, everyone calls him a real man.

How come?

Confucius replies:

It's very simple.

Confucius says, ;When one lock can be opened by 3 different keys, it's a bad lock.

But when one key can open 10 different locks, we call it a master key!

Link to post
Share on other sites

OH THE IRISH!!!

 

Paddy and Mick get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

 

They bag six.

 

As Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot says, "The plane can only take four of those. "

 

The two lads object strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."

 

Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded.

 

However, even with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it goes and crashes in the middle of nowhere.

 

A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick,

 

"Any idea where we are?"

 

"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year," says Mick.

 

=====================

 

Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station.

 

Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"

 

Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two"!

Link to post
Share on other sites