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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for th

One sunny day in late January 2021, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,

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Two fellas talking in a bar. One says: "You ever notice after having sex with a white woman that your eyes burn, you nose runs and you're all teary-eyed?"

The other bloke says "Yeah, I wonder why?"

First bloke: "I reckon it's the pepper spray!"

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A guy is walking down the street with some chicken wire under his arm. His neighbor sees him and asks what he has. The guy replies, "Its chicken wire and I'm going to catch some chickens." His neighbor says, "You fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire." Later that night, he sees the guy walking down the street dragging 12 chickens. The next day he sees him walking down the street with some duct tape under his arm. Once again he asks what the guy is up to. The guy says he has some duct tape and he is going to catch some ducks. He replies, "You fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape." Sure enough later that night, he sees the guy walking down the street dragging 12 ducks behind him. The next day, he sees the guy walking with something else under his arm. He asks what it is. The guy replies, "Its pussy willow." To which the guy replies, "Hold on, let me get my hat."

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A guy is walking down the street with some chicken wire under his arm. His neighbor sees him and asks what he has. The guy replies, "Its chicken wire and I'm going to catch some chickens." His neighbor says, "You fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire." Later that night, he sees the guy walking down the street dragging 12 chickens. The next day he sees him walking down the street with some duct tape under his arm. Once again he asks what the guy is up to. The guy says he has some duct tape and he is going to catch some ducks. He replies, "You fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape." Sure enough later that night, he sees the guy walking down the street dragging 12 ducks behind him. The next day, he sees the guy walking with something else under his arm. He asks what it is. The guy replies, "Its pussy willow." To which the guy replies, "Hold on, let me get my hat."

 

Great joke. Works best as a Cajun joke with Thibideax and Boudreax and their Pirogues

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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

 

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

 

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

 

"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

 

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

 

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

 

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

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A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Oklahoma , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Oklahoma , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

 

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs."Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.""Hasn't affected my brothers though."

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Subject: $1000 Bet

 

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $ 1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowds laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass! As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The scrawny little man replied "I work for the Income Tax Department."

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Little Johnny's sister

Oh No!!! He has a sister????????????

 

 

 

 

 

 

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"

 

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

 

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?"

 

Sally replied, "No... Salty."

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The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semi-finalists: a Yale graduate and a Newfoundlander. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to come up with a poem that contained the word, which was "Timbuktu".

 

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

 

Slowly across the desert sand

Trekked a lonely caravan.

Men on camels, two by two

Destination---Timbuktu.

 

---

The crowd went crazy! No way could the Newfoundlander top that, they thought. The Newfoundlander calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

 

Me and Tim a-huntin went,

Met three whores in a pop up tent.

They was three, and we was two,

So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

 

The Newfoundlander won hands down!

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Woman and Man Geography!

 

Between the ages of 18 – 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is

half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the

fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 – 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely

discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries

with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 – 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed

and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 – 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may

have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and

desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 – 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the

war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now

necessary.

Between the ages of 50 – 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet

and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps

people away.

Between the ages of 60 – 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a

glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is,

but no one wants to go there.

 

The Geography of a Man

————————

Between the ages of 15 – 70 a man is like Zimbabwe – ruled by a dick.

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A Minnesota farmer named Olie had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company

 

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot attorney questioned him thus:

 

'Didn't you say to the state trooper at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?"

 

 

 

 

Olie responded: 'vell, I'lla tell you vat happened dere. I'd yust

loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

 

'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

 

Olie said, 'vell, I'd yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas drivin' down da road.... '

 

The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

 

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Olie’s answer and said to the attorney: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie'.

 

Olie said: 'Tank you' and proceeded. 'vell as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road vin dis huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side by golly. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder ditch.

 

By yimminy yahosaphat I vas hurt, purty durn bad, and didn't want to move. An even vurse dan dat,, I could hear old Bessie a moanin' and a groanin'. I knew she vas in terrible pain yust by her groans.

 

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie a moanin' and a groanin' too, so he vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes.

 

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

 

'Now wot da fock vud you say?'

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A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was

sitting in their pews and talking.

 

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling

each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly

in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's

ultimate enemy was in his presence..

 

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

 

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

 

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

 

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

 

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

 

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

 

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all

eternity?' persisted Satan.

 

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

 

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old man.

 

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied,

 

'Been married to your sister for 48 years. '

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A Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure..'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it..'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'

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A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.

 

He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"

 

The other guy says, "Well, it just happened, it was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'... so she socked me a good one."

 

The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue-twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'You have ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed b*tch.'"

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Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.

He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

 

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

 

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.

He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

 

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

 

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

 

Flynn said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

 

'Well,' Mary said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....

it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

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A teacher in a Chicago kindergarten class asked the kids what kind of sound a pig makes.

Little Tyrone stood up and yelled:

"FREEZE, MUTHAFUCKA!!"

 

 

 

I guess there aren't many farms in Chicago.

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66789_4743678347417_960649278_n.jpg

 

RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER

 

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

 

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

 

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

 

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

 

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

 

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

 

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

 

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

 

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

 

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a Black Hawk chopper coming in over a san hill near Mogadishu. When my PTSD starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is me!!

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1) Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

 

Ask your mother.

__________________________________________________________

 

 

2) How do you embarrass an archeologist?

 

Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.

__________________________________________________________

 

 

3) What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?

 

A whore sleeps with everybody at the party; A bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

__________________________________________________________

 

 

4) What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?

 

Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

__________________________________________________________

 

 

5) What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?

 

A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

__________________________________________________________

 

 

6) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

 

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

___________________________________________________________

 

 

7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist?

 

No one to talk to during orgasm.

___________________________________________________________

 

 

8) What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?

 

A mechanic.

___________________________________________________________

 

 

9) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

 

The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

___________________________________________________________

 

 

10) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?

 

The one who can eat the last donut.

___________________________________________________________

 

 

11) Jewish dilemma:

Free PORK.

___________________________________________________________

 

12) The three words men hate to hear most during sex:

 

'Are you in?'

___________________________________________________________

 

13) The three words women hate to hear most during sex:

 

'Honey, I'm home!'

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66789_4743678347417_960649278_n.jpg

 

RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER

 

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

 

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

 

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

 

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

 

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

 

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

 

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

 

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

 

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

 

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a Black Hawk chopper coming in over a san hill near Mogadishu. When my PTSD starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is me!!

So please explain. How is this a joke? Or is it just your sick fantasy?

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A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item pays the $500 and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Friday at Noon.

Closed coffin.

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Blond MEN Jokes

 

A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."

The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

------------------------------------

 

Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.

One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"

The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

------------------------------------

 

A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said:

"Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex.

The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

To which the blonde man replied:

"Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

------------------------------------

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts:

"Did you find the shampoo?"

He answers,

"Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."

------------------------------

A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.

The vet takes a look and says,

"It seems calm enough to me."

The blonde man says,

"Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."

------------------------------------

 

A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

------------------------------------

 

A blond man shouts frantically into the phone

"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"

------------------------------------

A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic.

His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"

 

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

 

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

 

"Here boy!" he replies.

------------------------------------

A blond man is in jail.

Guard looks in his cell and sees him

hanging by his feet.

"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself," the blond replies.

"It should be around your neck" says the guard.

"I tried that," he replies,

"but then I couldn't breathe."

------------------------------------

 

(This one actually makes sense.)

 

An Italian tourist asks a blonde man:

"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the blonde man replies:

"Ifa they fella forward, they'd still be ina the boat."

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66789_4743678347417_960649278_n.jpg

 

RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER

 

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

 

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

 

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

 

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

 

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

 

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

 

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

 

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

 

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

 

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a Black Hawk chopper coming in over a san hill near Mogadishu. When my PTSD starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is me!!

So please explain. How is this a joke? Or is it just your sick fantasy?

 

Mate if you cannot the funny side of this I feel you are a bit tightly wound. Chill out dude, have a spliff and a drink and the world is a whole lot better place.

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Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

 

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

 

"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it?"

 

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

 

"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"

 

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 guys to give up drugs forever."

 

"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"

 

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison...' "

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A man came home from sailing one day. His wife had left a note on the fridge: "It's not working, I can't take it anymore!! Gone to stay with my Mother."

 

He opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold.........

 

What the hell was she talking about??????

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RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER

 

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

 

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

 

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

 

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

 

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

 

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

 

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

 

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

 

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

 

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a Black Hawk chopper coming in over a san hill near Mogadishu. When my PTSD starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is me!!

 

(16-year old self channeling wisdom of 50-something year old self)

Roger, loud and clear. Your concern for your daughter is understandable. However,

 

One. Your little angel is going to lose her virginity. Maybe not to me, maybe not tonight, but it's going to happen. Deal with it.

 

Two. Your curfew is between you and your daughter. I will bring her home when she asks me to.

 

Three. The porch swing/shot gun schtick. I'm calling your bluff. You should know better than to make threats that you're not prepared to carry out. You have too much to lose. And you would not survive in prison.

 

Four. In case you're still thinking you could get away with shooting me: forget it. My parents and all my friends know I'm going out tonight your daughter. And I just took a photo of you on your porch swing, playing with your shotgun. And uploaded it. If I don't turn up for breakfast, the police will be on your doorstep by lunch. By the way, in case you haven't noticed, your daughter couldn't cover for you if she wanted to.

 

Five. Your daughter and I like each other. A lot. There is a small but meaningful chance that someday you will give me her hand in marriage (what a quaint concept). That means you will have to sit across the table from me at holidays. It means that I will have a say about how much time you get to spend with your precious grandchildren. It could even mean that I help select your nursing home. Now, are you sure you want to get off on the wrong foot with me?

 

Six. You chose to settle in the town you grew up in. I know what you got up to in band camp. And Mrs. X once told me all about what you two did on the beach after your senior prom. And Mrs. Y told me all about that time in the woods behind the high school, when the raccoon stole her panties. You were quite a horn dog when you were my age, weren't you? Karma is a bitch.

 

Seven. You have had sixteen years to instill whatever values you wanted to instill in your daughter. Either they took or they didn't. If they didn't, I'm certainly not here to help you out.

 

So how about you just kiss your daughter good night, tell her to have a good time, crack a couple of beers, turn on the teevee, and try very hard NOT to think about what we're up to?

 

Pleasure to meet you, too.

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66789_4743678347417_960649278_n.jpg

 

RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER

 

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

 

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

 

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

 

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

 

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

 

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

 

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

 

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

 

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

 

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a Black Hawk chopper coming in over a san hill near Mogadishu. When my PTSD starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is me!!

 

(16-year old self channeling wisdom of 50-something year old self)

Roger, loud and clear. Your concern for your daughter is understandable. However,

 

One. Your little angel is going to lose her virginity. Maybe not to me, maybe not tonight, but it's going to happen. Deal with it.

 

Two. Your curfew is between you and your daughter. I will bring her home when she asks me to.

 

Three. The porch swing/shot gun schtick. I'm calling your bluff. You should know better than to make threats that you're not prepared to carry out. You have too much to lose. And you would not survive in prison.

 

Four. In case you're still thinking you could get away with shooting me: forget it. My parents and all my friends know I'm going out tonight your daughter. And I just took a photo of you on your porch swing, playing with your shotgun. And uploaded it. If I don't turn up for breakfast, the police will be on your doorstep by lunch. By the way, in case you haven't noticed, your daughter couldn't cover for you if she wanted to.

 

Five. Your daughter and I like each other. A lot. There is a small but meaningful chance that someday you will give me her hand in marriage (what a quaint concept). That means you will have to sit across the table from me at holidays. It means that I will have a say about how much time you get to spend with your precious grandchildren. It could even mean that I help select your nursing home. Now, are you sure you want to get off on the wrong foot with me?

 

Six. You chose to settle in the town you grew up in. I know what you got up to in band camp. And Mrs. X once told me all about what you two did on the beach after your senior prom. And Mrs. Y told me all about that time in the woods behind the high school, when the raccoon stole her panties. You were quite a horn dog when you were my age, weren't you? Karma is a bitch.

 

Seven. You have had sixteen years to instill whatever values you wanted to instill in your daughter. Either they took or they didn't. If they didn't, I'm certainly not here to help you out.

 

So how about you just kiss your daughter good night, tell her to have a good time, crack a couple of beers, turn on the teevee, and try very hard NOT to think about what we're up to?

 

Pleasure to meet you, too.

Lighten up Francis . It's a joke thread not the new testament . Carry on.
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66789_4743678347417_960649278_n.jpg

 

RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER

 

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

 

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

 

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

 

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

 

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

 

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

 

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

 

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

 

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

 

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a Black Hawk chopper coming in over a san hill near Mogadishu. When my PTSD starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is me!!

 

(16-year old self channeling wisdom of 50-something year old self)

Roger, loud and clear. Your concern for your daughter is understandable. However,

 

One. Your little angel is going to lose her virginity. Maybe not to me, maybe not tonight, but it's going to happen. Deal with it.

 

Two. Your curfew is between you and your daughter. I will bring her home when she asks me to.

 

Three. The porch swing/shot gun schtick. I'm calling your bluff. You should know better than to make threats that you're not prepared to carry out. You have too much to lose. And you would not survive in prison.

 

Four. In case you're still thinking you could get away with shooting me: forget it. My parents and all my friends know I'm going out tonight your daughter. And I just took a photo of you on your porch swing, playing with your shotgun. And uploaded it. If I don't turn up for breakfast, the police will be on your doorstep by lunch. By the way, in case you haven't noticed, your daughter couldn't cover for you if she wanted to.

 

Five. Your daughter and I like each other. A lot. There is a small but meaningful chance that someday you will give me her hand in marriage (what a quaint concept). That means you will have to sit across the table from me at holidays. It means that I will have a say about how much time you get to spend with your precious grandchildren. It could even mean that I help select your nursing home. Now, are you sure you want to get off on the wrong foot with me?

 

Six. You chose to settle in the town you grew up in. I know what you got up to in band camp. And Mrs. X once told me all about what you two did on the beach after your senior prom. And Mrs. Y told me all about that time in the woods behind the high school, when the raccoon stole her panties. You were quite a horn dog when you were my age, weren't you? Karma is a bitch.

 

Seven. You have had sixteen years to instill whatever values you wanted to instill in your daughter. Either they took or they didn't. If they didn't, I'm certainly not here to help you out.

 

So how about you just kiss your daughter good night, tell her to have a good time, crack a couple of beers, turn on the teevee, and try very hard NOT to think about what we're up to?

 

Pleasure to meet you, too.

Lighten up Francis . It's a joke thread not the new testament . Carry on.

I thought his rebuttal was funny, could have taken to 11 though.

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So please explain. How is this a joke? Or is it just your sick fantasy?

 

 

Lighten' up man....It was funny, and yes, we all have daughters.... It IS a joke, not a survival guide............

Yeah I know what a joke is. I posted possibly the only joke that ever has been demanded be removed from here. You know, the one about the kid on the cliff who's lost his parents ... and the priest ... with the not you're lucky day punch line? Yes, a punch line.

 

What's the funniest thing about an Islamic fundamentalist? Um, nothing.

 

What's the funniest thing about an old school redneck parent who'd like to think his daughter was a possession rather than a person? Um, nothing again.

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66789_4743678347417_960649278_n.jpg

 

RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER

 

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

 

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

 

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

 

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

 

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

 

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

 

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

 

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

 

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

 

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a Black Hawk chopper coming in over a san hill near Mogadishu. When my PTSD starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is me!!

 

(16-year old self channeling wisdom of 50-something year old self)

Roger, loud and clear. Your concern for your daughter is understandable. However,

 

One. Your little angel is going to lose her virginity. Maybe not to me, maybe not tonight, but it's going to happen. Deal with it.

 

Two. Your curfew is between you and your daughter. I will bring her home when she asks me to.

 

Three. The porch swing/shot gun schtick. I'm calling your bluff. You should know better than to make threats that you're not prepared to carry out. You have too much to lose. And you would not survive in prison.

 

Four. In case you're still thinking you could get away with shooting me: forget it. My parents and all my friends know I'm going out tonight your daughter. And I just took a photo of you on your porch swing, playing with your shotgun. And uploaded it. If I don't turn up for breakfast, the police will be on your doorstep by lunch. By the way, in case you haven't noticed, your daughter couldn't cover for you if she wanted to.

 

Five. Your daughter and I like each other. A lot. There is a small but meaningful chance that someday you will give me her hand in marriage (what a quaint concept). That means you will have to sit across the table from me at holidays. It means that I will have a say about how much time you get to spend with your precious grandchildren. It could even mean that I help select your nursing home. Now, are you sure you want to get off on the wrong foot with me?

 

Six. You chose to settle in the town you grew up in. I know what you got up to in band camp. And Mrs. X once told me all about what you two did on the beach after your senior prom. And Mrs. Y told me all about that time in the woods behind the high school, when the raccoon stole her panties. You were quite a horn dog when you were my age, weren't you? Karma is a bitch.

 

Seven. You have had sixteen years to instill whatever values you wanted to instill in your daughter. Either they took or they didn't. If they didn't, I'm certainly not here to help you out.

 

So how about you just kiss your daughter good night, tell her to have a good time, crack a couple of beers, turn on the teevee, and try very hard NOT to think about what we're up to?

 

Pleasure to meet you, too.

Gold!!

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The aspiring student psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from the University of Houston, "What is the opposite of joy?"

 

"Sadness," replied the student.

 

"And the opposite of depression?" the professor asked of the young lady from Rice.

 

"Elation," said she.

 

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas A&M. "How about the opposite of woe?"

 

The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm reaching out on behalf of a golf buddy who needs some help!

 

His wife told him to go out & get some of those pills that would help him get an erection. When he came back, he handed her some diet pills.

 

Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Let me know if you can help.

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A skeleton walks into a bar.

 

He orders a beer and a mop.

 

When this thread was started I laughed out loud, coffee through nostrils, keyboard ruined, kind of laugh at the very first post.

 

Never mind, it's still funny.

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A skeleton walks into a bar.

 

He orders a beer and a mop.

 

When this thread was started I laughed out loud, coffee through nostrils, keyboard ruined, kind of laugh at the very first post.

 

Never mind, it's still funny.

 

yup, it's where I stole it from... 1st page..

 

 

 

 

 

 

anyway, was at a friends wedding reception, the best man giving the toast

 

He goes: would everyone please stand up and stand next to the person who's made your life worth living...

 

The bartender was almost crushed to death..

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A young lad from Glovertown , Newfoundland goes off to university, but

halfway through the semester he has foolishly squandered all of his money.

 

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern

education is developing. They actually have a program here in

St. John's that could teach our dog "Jiggy" how to talk.'

 

'That's amazing!' his Dad says, 'how do I get Jiggy in that program?'

 

'Just send him in here with $1200,' the young lad says, 'I'll get him

in the course.'

 

So his father sends the dog "Jiggy" and $1200.

 

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The

young lad calls home. 'So how's Jiggy doing, son?' his father wants to know.

 

'Awesome Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe

this. They've had such good results with talking they've begun to

teach the animals how to read.'

 

'Read?!' exclaims his father, 'no kidding! How do we get our Jiggy in

that program?'

 

'Just send $2300. I'll get him in the class for sure.'

 

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.

At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither

talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end

of the year, his father is all excited.

 

'Where's my Jiggy? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him

read something!'

 

'Dad,' the young lad says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning,

just before we left to drive home, Jiggy was in the living room,

kicked back in the recliner, reading the Toronto Star. Then he

suddenly turned to me and asked, 'so is your Daddy still messing

around with that little redhead working at the grocery store?''

 

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that son of a bitch

before he talks to your mother!'

 

'I sure did, Dad!'

 

'That's my boy!'

 

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

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The teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.

 

Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."

 

"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"

 

"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."

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Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over two months."

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over.......women like that are hard to find."

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A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of mixed emotions. The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

 

She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis."

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A man was leaving a cafe, when he noticed an unusual funeral.

 

A funeral coffin was followed by a second one.

 

Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with the black dog.

 

Behind him was queue of 200 men walking in straight line.

 

The man couldn't stand his curiosity.

 

He approached the man walking with the dog.

 

"I'm sorry to disturb you. But I've never seen a funeral like this with so many walking in a straight line. Whose funeral is it?????"

 

"The first coffin is for my WIFE." replied the man with the dog.

 

"What happened to her????" asked the first man.

 

"My dog attacked and killed her..." said the man with the dog.

 

"What about the second coffin????" asked the first man.

 

"It's my MOTHER IN LAW. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her too..."

 

A silent moment passed and than the first man asked can if he could borrow the dog...

 

And the man with the dog replied..

 

"Get in the line!"

 

 

 

..and

 

 

An elderly man who lived on the outskirts of Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

 

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

 

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

 

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

 

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

 

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

 

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

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Two negatives can make a positive but two positives can't make a negative.

 

Yeah, right.

 

 

 

Given the recent meat scandals in Europe, do we know what's really in horseradish sauce?

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Subject: Woman Stops Grizzly Attack With 25 Cal. Pistol

 

 

 

 

Woman Stops Grizzly Attack With 25 Cal. Pistol What a gun!! This is a story of self control and marksmanship with an itsy bitsy shooter by a woman against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?

 

The Beretta Jetfire:

 

While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today! Just one shot to my boyfriend's knee cap was all it took... the bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection.....

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One day Mom was cleaning Junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his Father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.

 

So she asked him, "What should we do about this?"

 

Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

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A guy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

 

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits down.

 

There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur

 

chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies, who appear to have mislaid their garments.

 

He hears a priest come in:

 

"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession. And I must admit that

the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

 

To which the priest replies... "Get out. You're on my side."

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A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two retire and fall asleep quickly. He is in the upper bunk and she is in the lower bunk. At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying: "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

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When chemists die, they barium.

 

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

 

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

 

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it!

 

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

 

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

 

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

 

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

 

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

 

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

 

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

 

We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

 

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

 

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

 

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

 

Broken pencils are pointless.

 

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

 

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus!

 

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

 

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

 

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

 

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

 

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded the dough.

 

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

 

Velcro - what a rip off!

 

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

 

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

 

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

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Remember the mayonnaise jar...and the beer

 

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours

in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar...and the beer.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in

front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large

and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

 

He then asked the students if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into

the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open

areas

between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was

full.

They agreed that it was.

 

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.

Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if

the jar was full.

The students responded with an unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and

poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty

space between the sand.

 

The students laughed.

 

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to

recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the

important things--your family, your children, your health, your

friends,your favorite passions-- things that if everything else was

lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

 

"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your

house, your car.

 

The sand is everything else--the small stuff. If you put the sand into

the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or

the golf balls.

The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the

small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important

to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

 

Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your

partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean

the house, and fix the disposal. "Take care of the golf balls first, the

things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of

the students raised their hand and inquired what the beer represented.

 

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you

that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a

couple of beers.

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WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REGULAR JOBS

 

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:

 

"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

 

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:

 

"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

 

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say:

 

"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"

 

Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

 

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:

 

"He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings."

 

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:

 

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

 

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :

 

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

 

(Now that is beautiful)

 

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:

 

"You guys line up alphabetically by height."

 

And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

 

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:

 

"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ."

 

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:

 

"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

 

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:

 

"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

 

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:

 

"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt. (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

 

12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player:

 

"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'

 

He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

 

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:

 

"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

 

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:

 

"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

 

15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips. Phillips responded: "Because she's too ugly to kiss good-bye."

 

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12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player:

 

"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'

 

He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

I alnoste spraide malbece on keeboarde with thisse oune!!! :)

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David Letterman, stated this week that: "The Pope has resigned, saying that at 85 he doesn't have the strength or energy to carry out his duties.

 

A few months ago, at 87, Hugh Hefner married his 26 year old girlfriend. Doesn't say much for a life of celibacy, does it?"

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"I caught my son looking up women's skirts today," my friend told me after we'd had a few drinks.

 

"That's fairly normal for a fourteen year old, isn't it?" I asked.

 

"Not when it's on eBay!" he said.

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The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

 

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You Bastard!"

 

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

 

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You Rotten Bastard!"

 

The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom........ "Patty" I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you or I'll charge you with contempt of court. Is that understood?"

 

Paddy stands up and says....... "I'm sorry" Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that arsehole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

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15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips. Phillips responded: "Because she's too ugly to kiss good-bye."

 

 

 

Bum was an absolute classic!

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A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by

throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself

from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

 

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off

to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you,

bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

 

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to

go to Italy , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard

and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then

on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine,

and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the

captain during a routine inspection.

 

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

 

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me

food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

 

"I see," the captain says.

 

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

 

"He certainly is," replied the captain, "this is the Staten Island Ferry."

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12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player:

 

"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'

 

He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

I alnoste spraide malbece on keeboarde with thisse oune!!! :)

 

Dang it... After all my years reading Snaggalese I cant figure out "malbece"

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The absolute best Little Johnnie Joke:

 

Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

 

 

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

 

His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.

 

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said,'What a beautiful baby.'The mother said, 'Why,Thank you, Johnnie. Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet,beautiful little hands,a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?'

 

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 Vision.'

 

'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be in deep shit if he needed glasses.

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A blonde & her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbour’s dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this".

She goes downstairs.

 

When the blonde finally comes back up to bed, her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"

 

The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard...let's see how THEY like it!

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deceptively simple philosophy

 

image-795219.gif

 

No joke there, it's the fuking truth!! I am just about at the age where I don't give a shit about anything anymore.

Don't have access to graph it but it should show - give a shit rising from 0 to 11 years of age, then plummeting to zero until early 20's. Then surge til 40 then drop off steadily to Who Gives A Fuck Anymore as per the original post.

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Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a ship that had sunk.

 

"Follow me son", the father shark said to his son, and they swam to the survivors.

 

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

 

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."And they did.

 

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

 

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them? Why did we swim around and around them?"

 

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside.”

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Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a ship that had sunk.

 

"Follow me son", the father shark said to his son, and they swam to the survivors.

 

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

 

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."And they did.

 

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

 

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them? Why did we swim around and around them?"

 

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside.”

 

Just so I could read it :)

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