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12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player:

 

"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'

 

He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

I alnoste spraide malbece on keeboarde with thisse oune!!! :)

 

Dang it... After all my years reading Snaggalese I cant figure out "malbece"

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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for th

One sunny day in late January 2021, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,

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The absolute best Little Johnnie Joke:

 

Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

 

 

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

 

His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.

 

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said,'What a beautiful baby.'The mother said, 'Why,Thank you, Johnnie. Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet,beautiful little hands,a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?'

 

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 Vision.'

 

'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be in deep shit if he needed glasses.

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A blonde & her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbour’s dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this".

She goes downstairs.

 

When the blonde finally comes back up to bed, her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"

 

The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard...let's see how THEY like it!

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deceptively simple philosophy

 

image-795219.gif

 

No joke there, it's the fuking truth!! I am just about at the age where I don't give a shit about anything anymore.

Don't have access to graph it but it should show - give a shit rising from 0 to 11 years of age, then plummeting to zero until early 20's. Then surge til 40 then drop off steadily to Who Gives A Fuck Anymore as per the original post.

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Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a ship that had sunk.

 

"Follow me son", the father shark said to his son, and they swam to the survivors.

 

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

 

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."And they did.

 

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

 

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them? Why did we swim around and around them?"

 

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside.”

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Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a ship that had sunk.

 

"Follow me son", the father shark said to his son, and they swam to the survivors.

 

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

 

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."And they did.

 

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

 

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them? Why did we swim around and around them?"

 

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside.”

 

Just so I could read it :)

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Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a ship that had sunk.

 

"Follow me son", the father shark said to his son, and they swam to the survivors.

 

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

 

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."And they did.

 

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

 

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them? Why did we swim around and around them?"

 

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside.”

 

Just so I could read it :)

Soooorrry, i have 'on screen keyboard' or a an overenhusiastic 'word complet'. Which would you choose? Sorry for venting!

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Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

 

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

 

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

 

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

 

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

 

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

 

'Certainly, Father,' was the man's reply.

 

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

 

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

 

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

 

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

 

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

Paddy was in New York .

 

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop at a busy intersection. The cop stopped the flow of all traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' When everyone had safely crossed the street, he would then allow traffic to resume, once again.

 

The officer had done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

 

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

 

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!'

 

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding inConnecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

 

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

 

'Just water,' says the priest.

 

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

 

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

 

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

 

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.

 

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

 

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'
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Is this a repost??

 

 

Harold had a week off and decided to play golf every day.

 

Monday morning, he found himself paired with an attractive woman, Annette, who turned out to be a very good golfer.

 

They started with a few casual bets, but by the back nine it was a full-blown competition.

 

On the 18th green, Annette sank her long birdie putt for the win. Harold congratulated her and paid off his losses.

 

Annette asked for a ride home and, on the way, told him, 'You know, Harold, I haven't enjoyed myself so much on the golf course in a long time. In fact, pull over so I can express my appreciation.'

 

He did, they kissed, and one thing led to another and soon she gave him the best oral sex he'd ever had.

 

The next morning, they met again on the first tee and played together again. They had another magnificent day, Enjoying each other's company and playing tight, competitive golf.

 

Again Annette beat him, but she also showed her appreciation on the drive home.

 

This went on all week, with Harold narrowly losing every day, his male ego bruised, but not unhappy.

 

On Friday's drive home, Harold said, 'Annette, you've been great to be with all this week and tonight I'd like to return the favour. I made reservations at the best restaurant in town for us and reserved the penthouse suite at the best hotel. What do you say?'

 

Annette burst into tears. 'I can't!'

 

'What? Why not?' he asked.

 

'Because,' she sobbed, 'I'm in the middle of a sex change and the doctor hasn't completed that part of me yet!'

 

'What?!' Aghast, Harold swerved off the road, screeched to a stop and cursed madly, overcome with emotion.

 

'I'm so sorry,' says Annette, 'You have a right to be angry with me.'

 

'You bastard!' Harold screamed, his face bright red. 'You cheating bastard! All week long you've been playing off the women's tees!'

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It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming cof fee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !"

 

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

 

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."

 

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

 

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

 

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

 

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

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A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying:

"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."

 

The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the right thing to do."

 

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

 

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma."

 

The next day the grandmother died.

 

"Holy Moley, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side."

 

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy."

He practically went into shock.

 

He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day and risking a car accident, he stayed

 

there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every

 

sound. Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and

 

went home.

 

When he got home safely his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

 

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

 

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning, my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

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OK, so a penguin goes to a mechanic with his car, as it's been running rough. The mechanic says it's simple enough, take maybe 45 minutes to rectify. The penguin says he'll be back, and goes across the street to get an ice cream cone.

 

Trouble is, without any hands it gets messy and the penguin gets a bunch of ice cream all over his beak. Anyway.... he goes back to see how the car repair's going, gets back to the garage, and inquires as to the progress of the repair work. The mecanic looks up from the engine compartment wiping his hands, and says to the penguin, "Looks like you blew a seal." The penguin replies, "No, it's just a bit of vanilla ice cream, that's all."

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Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .'

 

 

 

 

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

 

The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?'

 

The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'

 

The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?'

 

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'

 

The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'

 

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.'

 

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'

 

The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

 

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in1964 me self!'

 

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

 

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

 

Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'

 

Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'

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OK, so a penguin goes to a mechanic with his car, as it's been running rough. The mechanic says it's simple enough, take maybe 45 minutes to rectify. The penguin says he'll be back, and goes across the street to get an ice cream cone.

 

Trouble is, without any hands it gets messy and the penguin gets a bunch of ice cream all over his beak. Anyway.... he goes back to see how the car repair's going, gets back to the garage, and inquires as to the progress of the repair work. The mecanic looks up from the engine compartment wiping his hands, and says to the penguin, "Looks like you blew a seal." The penguin replies, "No, it's just a bit of vanilla ice cream, that's all."

 

As Larry the Cable Guy would say, "Now that's just wrong!" Damn funny though

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OK, so a penguin goes to a mechanic with his car, as it's been running rough. The mechanic says it's simple enough, take maybe 45 minutes to rectify. The penguin says he'll be back, and goes across the street to get an ice cream cone.

 

Trouble is, without any hands it gets messy and the penguin gets a bunch of ice cream all over his beak. Anyway.... he goes back to see how the car repair's going, gets back to the garage, and inquires as to the progress of the repair work. The mecanic looks up from the engine compartment wiping his hands, and says to the penguin, "Looks like you blew a seal." The penguin replies, "No, it's just a bit of vanilla ice cream, that's all."

 

As Larry the Cable Guy would say, "Now that's just wrong!" Damn funny though

 

Video version :P

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UO9A4p1Qsvk

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A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside

you?"

 

The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

 

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly

embarrassed and found another table to sit at.

 

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly over to the guy's table

and said: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"

 

The guy then responded with a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!"

 

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered

in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".

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The following are real extracts from actual complaints letters sent to various councils and housing associations throughout the UK. What a literate and naive bunch we Brits are!

 

· I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

 

· I wish to complain that my farther hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage, and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

 

· I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind that blew them off.

· My lavatory seat is cracked where do I stand?

 

· I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

 

· Will you please send someone to mend my garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in February and we would like the garden path before we move into the house.

 

· I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

 

· 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

 

· I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

 

· The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

 

· Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

 

· Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

 

· Would you please send a man to repair my spout? I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.

 

· I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6 am his cock wakes me up, and now it is getting too much for me.

 

· The man next door has a large erection in the back garden which is unsafe and dangerous.

 

· Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

 

· I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night?

 

· Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

 

· I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfa_ction.

 

· This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can’t get BBC2.

 

· My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage had fungus growing in it.

 

· … and he’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it any more.

 

· … that is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

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One Day A Rich man went to London on vacation.. He Took a Room in a 5 Star Hotel.

There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.

However, he accidentally typed the wrong email address, and without realizing, he sent the email to a widow who has just returned from her husband's funeral.

The widow decided to check her email, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message she fainted.

The son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read : "To my loving wife, i know you are surprised to hear from me, they have computers here and we are allowed to send emails to loved ones.

I have just checked in. How are You and the kids, The place is really nice, but am lonely here.

I have made necessary arrangement for Your arrival tomorrow. Expecting you darling. I can't wait to see you!"

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They saved the best for last...........

 

SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour

 

COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk

 

FASCISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk

 

NAZISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and shoots you

 

BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then

throws the milk away

 

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy

grows.

You sell them and retire on the income

 

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by

your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption

for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.

The public then buys your bull.

 

SURREALISM

You have two giraffes.

The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

 

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to

produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why

the cow has dropped dead.

 

A GREEK CORPORATION

You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,

dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.

You still only have two cows.

 

A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three

cows.

 

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce

twenty times the milk.

You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and

market it worldwide.

 

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows,

but you don't know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.

 

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.

 

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

 

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You worship them.

 

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Both are mad.

 

AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

You tell them that you have none.

No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.

You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

 

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

 

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows.

The one on the left looks very attractive...

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Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a ship that had sunk.

 

"Follow me son", the father shark said to his son, and they swam to the survivors.

 

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

 

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."And they did.

 

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

 

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them? Why did we swim around and around them?"

 

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside.”

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Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a ship that had sunk.

 

"Follow me son", the father shark said to his son, and they swam to the survivors.

 

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

 

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."And they did.

 

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

 

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them? Why did we swim around and around them?"

 

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside.”

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Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a ship that had sunk.

 

"Follow me son", the father shark said to his son, and they swam to the survivors.

 

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

 

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."And they did.

 

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

 

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them? Why did we swim around and around them?"

 

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside.”

The sharks didn't actually eat them all. Two were left alive. When the son asked the dad about this, the reply was.

 

"They're lawyers, Son. Professional Courtesy."

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One afternoon a little girl excitedly approached her gold digger mother, and announced that she had learned where babies come from at school that day :-) Amused, her mother replied, " Really, sweety? Why don't you tell me all about it? " The little girl explained, " Well...um...Ok... the mommy and daddy take off all their clothes, and the daddy's thing sort of stands up, and the mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's where babies come from " :-) Her mommy shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye to eye, and said, " Oh honey, that is sweet, but that is not where babies come from:-) That is where jewelry comes from :-)






v


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^^ very good.

 

 

 

 

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

 

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason, and it scares me."

 

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and falls asleep."

 

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor, looking fresh and reborn.

 

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

 

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."

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As lil johnny's class begins the teacher says "today we'll be studying sex education... She draws a giant penis on the blackboard and asks the class if anyone knew what it was.. Lil Johnny raises his hand and shouts out "it's a penis, I know, my daddy has two of them!"

The teacher looks at Johnny with a puzzled look and says "um Johnny, are you sure? No one has two penises."

Johnny replied, yes m'am, I've seen him use em both, he uses the small one to pee and the big one to brush the babysitters teeth..."

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As lil johnny's class begins the teacher says "today we'll be studying sex education... She draws a giant penis on the blackboard and asks the class if anyone knew what it was.. Lil Johnny raises his hand and shouts out "it's a penis, I know, my daddy has two of them!"

The teacher looks at Johnny with a puzzled look and says "um Johnny, are you sure? No one has two penises."

Johnny replied, yes m'am, I've seen him use em both, he uses the small one to pee and the big one to brush the babysitters teeth..."

Little Johnny's sister Little Janey comes home from school and tells her mommy "Jimmy showed me his willy, it was like a peanut"

Mommy surprised and a little worried asks, was it small like a peanut?

Little Janey say " No, it was salty"

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Lil Johnny's teacher played a game every Friday, right before the final bell rang, where she'd ask the class a super-difficult question and if any of the students were able to answer it correctly they got to take the following Monday off of school. This went on for weeks with no one able to correctly answer the difficult questions. Then one week, Johnny gets a bright idea and steals a couple of golf balls from his old man and paints them black and puts them in his pocket to take to school that Friday. Johnny is watching the clock and with seconds to spare before the teacher asked the difficult question of the week, Johnny takes the balls out of his pocket and rolls them up to the teacher's feet, getting her attention. She looks down and turns to the class and says "OK, who's the comedian with the black balls!??" Johnny says, "Flip Wilson! I'll see ya next Tuesday!"

 

**********

 

Teacher was asking her students if their parents had an hobbies. Most of the class' hands went up and kids were talking about how their dad collects stamps, or how another's mom like gardening, how another like reading, or golf, jogging. Curiously, Johnny didn't raise his hand during this exercise and so the teacher asked Johnny if his parents had any hobbies? Johnny sheepishly said "Well, my dad likes to wreck Venetian blinds." The teacher was confused about this and asked Johnny what kind of hobby that was? Johnny replied, "Well, I'm not exactly sure but sometimes when I walk by my parents room I'll hear my dad say to my mom "Honey, close those blinds so I can tear off a piece."

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Three Irish mates always knocking around together, Shaun, Mick and Patty. Unfortunately Mick meets with a fatal accident and the other two are asked to come to the morgue to identify their mate.

Shaun looks at the corpse and says "He's such a mess I can't be sure if it's him, can you roll him over?" The attendant roles the body over and Shaun says, "No that's not him."

Paddy is then asked to come and check and goes through the same process.

The Coroner then asks them how they can be sure the body is not that of their mate, Mick.

Shaun replies, "That's simple. We always knocked around together and every pub we went into the publican would say. "Ah, here comes Mick with the two arseholes."

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On her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, written by a U.S. man and posted on the Internet.

Dear Dr. Laura,
Thank yo...u for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there "degrees" of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God, if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football, if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14). I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Your adoring fan.
James M. Kauffman, Ed. D. Professor Emeritus,
Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education, University of Virginia

P.S. It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian
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A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water.

His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress.. There's a calculator in her pocketbook.

She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of foodand drink."

********POOF******

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.

*******POOF*******

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

******POOF******

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

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These are classified ads which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers

 

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. ;

8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites! ;

___________________________________________

FREE PUPPIES

1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. ;

________________________________________________

FREE PUPPIES. ;Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. ;

Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound. ;

_______________________________________________________

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. ;Also 1 gay bull for sale. ;

________________________________________________________

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! ;

Must sell washer and dryer £100. ;

_____________________________________________________________

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. ;

Worn once by mistake. ;

Call Stephanie. ;

___________________________________________________________

And the WINNER is... ;

 

FOR SALE BY OWNER. ;Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes. ;Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. ;No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything. ;

 

(Statement of the Century)

___________________________________________________________

 

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. ;

 

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?" ;

____________________________________________________________

Children Are Quick ;

TEACHER: ;Why are you late? ;

STUDENT: ;Class started before I got here. ;

____________________________________

TEACHER: ;John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? ;

JOHN: ;You told me to do it without using tables. ;

__________________________________________

TEACHER: ;Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' ;

GLENN: ;K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' ;

TEACHER: ;No, that's wrong. ;

GLENN: ;Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how ;I ;spell it. ;

(I Love this child) ;

____________________________________________

TEACHER: ;Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? ;

DONALD: ;H I J K L M N O. ;

TEACHER: ;What are you talking about? ;

DONALD: ;Yesterday you said it's H to O. ;

__________________________________

TEACHER: ;Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. ;

WINNIE: ;Me! ;

__________________________________________

TEACHER: ;Glen, why do you always get so dirty? ;

GLEN: ;Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. ;

_______________________________________

TEACHER: ;Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. ' ;

MILLIE: ;I is.. ;

TEACHER: ;No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.' ;

MILLIE: ;All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' ;

________________________________

TEACHER: ;George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? ;

LOUIS: ;Because George still had the axe in his hand..... ;

______________________________________

TEACHER: ;Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? ;

SIMON: ;No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. ;

______________________________

TEACHER: ;Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his? ;

CLYDE : ;No, sir. It's the same dog. ;

 

(I want to adopt this kid!!!) ;

___________________________________

TEACHER: ;Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? ;

HAROLD: ;A teacher ;. ;

__________________________________

(Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.)

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Hello, is this the Police?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Police descend on Billy’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy and left.
The phone rings at Billy's house: "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the Police come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas, Buddy"

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A UF football player heads over to the beach on Spring break. At a party he saw a couple of attractive young ladies and decided to strike up a conversation.

 

He asked them "what school do y'all go to?"

 

One of the young ladies replied "Yale."

 

He gets a funny look on his face and says "OK," and then he screams "WHAT SCHOOL DO Y'ALL GO TO?"

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how dumb can you get?

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim
Terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Lets have a look at the evidence:
- No Christmas
- No television
- No nude women
- No football
- No pork chops
- No hot dogs
- No burgers
- No beer
- No bacon
- Rags for clothes
- Towels for hats
-
Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower
- More than one wife
More than one mother in law
- You can't shave
- Your wife can't shave
- You can't wash off the smell of donkey
-
You cook over burning camel shit
- Your wife is picked by someone else for you
- and your wife smells worse than your donkey
Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"??

Well no sh*t Sherlock!....
It's not like it could get much worse

 

THE MUSLIMS ARE NOT HAPPY!

They're not happy in Gaza ..
They're not happy in Egypt ..
They're not happy in Libya ..
They're not happy in Morocco ..
They're not happy in Iran ..
They're not happy in Iraq ..
They're not happy in Yemen ..
They're not happy in Afghanistan ..
They're not happy in Pakistan ..
They're not happy in Syria ..
They're not happy in Lebanon ..

SO, WHERE ARE THEY HAPPY?

They're happy in Australia .
They're happy in Canada .
They're happy in England ..
They're happy in France ..
They're happy in Italy ..
They're happy in Germany ..
They're happy in Sweden ..
They're happy in the USA ..
They're happy in Norway ..
They're happy in Holland .
They're happy in Denmark .

Basically, they're happy in every country that is not Muslim
And unhappy in every country that is!

AND WHO DO THEY BLAME?

Not Islam.
Not their leadership.
Not themselves.

THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN!

AND THEN; They want to change those countries to be like....
THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY!

Excuse me, but I can't help wondering...

How damn dumb can you get?


 

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Say what you want, the above is NOT Apathetic ^^^^^^^^^^ :rolleyes: ( I know what you meant, and while I don't disagree with the OP, I do think it belongs in PA)

 

Meanwhile.....

 

 

SMART ASS ANSWER #6 It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3 The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

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^^^^ That's not a joke- that's just a pathetic attempt at schoolboy racism.

 

 

Standard stereotyping for the average intellectually challenged North American douche.

Your probably correct here. It should be posted in PA along with the one about the catholic priest banging kids. Oh, you did not mention that one. You must have found that amusing.

 

 

TerrorVision. Now there is a " pathetic " ID to attract attention.

 

Take a pill. It's a joke thread. Different strokes for different folks

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Sometimes people get caught doing something and end up with a lifelong nickname....

 

 

Four people having sex is a foursome

 

Three people is a threesome

 

 

 

Gaston's mom calls him handsome.

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Why Parents Drink
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '
'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

'
Yes ,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, '
No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' '
Yes '
'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, '
No '

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes, ' whispered the child, ' a policeman. '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

'
No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

'
Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer..

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

'
A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered,

'
The search team just landed a helicopter '

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

'
ME . '
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The Wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.

"Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible?" she said.

Being the good Yorkshire bloke that I am, I thought

"Bugger it, I'll give her a treat !"

So we walked past it again!
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Why did the man marry Siamese twins?

He wanted to have a girlfriend on the side

 

 

 

 

Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed?


She wanted to see how long she slept.

 

 

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray
is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.
He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.
Than it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,
but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns .
It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry?
It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A guy comes home after work to find his girlfriend of three years is moving out. Everything was loaded in a friends truck and she was just loading the last bag.

He was stunned. Asked her what's going on here?? She said she was leaving because she found out he was a pedophile!!

He shot back: Ooooooo that's a pretty big word for a 12yr old!

 

 

 

 

 

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, "Yesterday."

 

 


I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

 


I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

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jocal505, gaytor, wolfie and a tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.

jocal505 said, 'Well, I'm a californian, so I'd like one last plate of tofu and sprouts.'




The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the food. jocal505 ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'


gaytor said, 'I'm living in Florida, so I'd like to hear the UoF fight song, one last time.'

The terrorist leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song.




gaytor was satisfied.



wolfie said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.'

The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and wolfie dictated his comments.







He then said, 'Now I can die happy.'

The leader turned and asked, 'And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?


'Kick me in the ass,' said the Marine...


'What?' asked the leader, 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'

'No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,' insisted the Marine.

So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the ass.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead.

In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, then with his knife he slashed the throat of one, and with an AK-47, which he took, sprayed the rest of the terrorists killing another 11.


In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying gaytor, jocal505, and wolfie, they asked him, 'Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass?'

'What?' replied the Marine, 'and have you three assholes report that I was the aggressor.....?'

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Joe's Mrs. goes missing at the beach. Next day two grim-faced cops come to his door.

"Have you found her ?" Joe asks.

Cop: "We've got bad news, good news, and great news, Joe."

Joe: "What's the bad news?"

Cop: "We found your wife's body in the bay."

Joe: "Oh no! What's the good news?"

Cop: "When we pulled her up she had 12 big lobsters and 8 big crabs clinging to her. We've brought you your share of the catch."

Joe: "So what's the great news?"

Cop: "We're pulling her up again tomorrow!"

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A guy goes into Canada Post to apply for a job.....

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service!

Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay.

Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now.

Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at

10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says.

"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.. No point in you coming in for that."

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Today's Confucius Say:






Confucius Say: It's ok to let a fool kiss you, but don't let a kiss fool you.







Confucius Say: A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise.







Confucius Say: It is better to lose a lover than love a loser.







Confucius Say: Man with a broken condom is called a Daddy.







Confucius Say: Man who mix Viagra and Ex-Lax, doesn’t know if he's coming or going.







Confucius Say: A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.







Confucius Say: Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, and you lose interest.







Confucius Say: Viagra is like Disneyland... a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride.







Confucius Say: It is much better to want the mate you do not have than to have the mate you do not want.







Confucius Say: A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don't get it


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jocal505, gaytor, wolfie and a tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.

 

jocal505 said, 'Well, I'm a californian, so I'd like one last plate of tofu and sprouts.'

 

 

 

 

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the food. jocal505 ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'

 

 

gaytor said, 'I'm living in Florida, so I'd like to hear the UoF fight song, one last time.'

 

The terrorist leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song.

 

 

 

 

gaytor was satisfied.

 

 

 

wolfie said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.'

 

The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and wolfie dictated his comments.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He then said, 'Now I can die happy.'

 

The leader turned and asked, 'And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?

 

 

'Kick me in the ass,' said the Marine...

 

 

'What?' asked the leader, 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'

 

'No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,' insisted the Marine.

 

So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the ass.

 

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead.

 

In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, then with his knife he slashed the throat of one, and with an AK-47, which he took, sprayed the rest of the terrorists killing another 11.

 

 

In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

 

As the Marine was untying gaytor, jocal505, and wolfie, they asked him, 'Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass?'

 

'What?' replied the Marine, 'and have you three assholes report that I was the aggressor.....?'

 

There's many versions of this out there.

 

The way I heard it the first guy was also named Gaytor but it varied.

 

When asked for his final request Gaytor replied, "I am a lifelong submissive gay man. I'd like just one more time to be ass fucked." At first the leader of the terrorists was outraged by the homosexual desire, but figured why not. So he went out and rounded up 72 virgin boys willing to ass pound Gaytor, he didn't have to travel far. For 72 hours the pounding went on. After it was over the leader asked if Gaytor was satisfied to which Gaytor replied, "Have you got a donkey."

 

Other then that it's the same.

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A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping. The store clerk called 911 when he saw the man collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital, Catholic, where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. "Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have one sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

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Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

 

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

 

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

 

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

 

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

 

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

 

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

 

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.

Nothing.

 

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

 

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.

I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.

 

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

 

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .

Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...

 

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.

 

IT’S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT’S A BOY"

And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!

 

Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.

Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!

 

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.

 

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth

An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats! It’s doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!!

 

 

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

 

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'

Granny replies, f@@k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

 

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.

 

Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'

 

Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.

 

Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

 

Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'

 

Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'

 

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'

He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

 

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

 

An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'

 

He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

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A fart is a pleasant thing,

It gives the belly ease,

It warms the bed in winter,

And suffocates the fleas.

A fart can be quiet,

A fart can be loud,

Some leave a powerful,

Poisonous cloud

 

 

A fart can be short,

Or a fart can be long,

Some farts have been known

To sound like a song.....

A fart can create

A most curious medley,

A fart can be harmless,

Or silent,
and deadly.

 

 

A fart might not smell,

While others are vile,

A fart may pass quickly,

Or linger a while......

 

 

A fart can occur

In a number of places,

And leave everyone there,

With strange looks on their faces
.
From wide-open prairie,

To small elevators,

A fart will find all of

Us sooner or later.

 

But farts are all bad,

Is simply not true-

We must never forget.......

Sweet old farts like you!

 

Kinda brings a tear to your eye - right?

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Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

 

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.


MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

The conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say "Truck."

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A fart is a pleasant thing,It gives the belly ease,It warms the bed in winter,And suffocates the fleas.

 

A fart can be quiet,A fart can be loud,Some leave a powerful,Poisonous cloud A fart can be short,Or a fart can be long,Some farts have been knownTo sound like a song.....

 

 

 

 

A fart can createA most curious medley,A fart can be harmless,Or silent, and deadly. A fart might not smell,While others are vile,A fart may pass quickly,Or linger a while...... A fart can occurIn a number of places,And leave everyone there,With strange looks on their faces .

 

 

 

 

From wide-open prairie,To small elevators,A fart will find all ofUs sooner or later.

 

 

 

 

But farts are all bad,Is simply not true-We must never forget.......Sweet old farts like you! Kinda brings a tear to your eye - right?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yep

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WTF??? HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court,... word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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Circumcision Disqualifies a Politician in the USA

A man walks into the Election office, says to the receptionist:
"I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be an
Independent candidate.
The receptionist replied "Certainly sir. Please fill in this form.''
He was filling the form until he came to the question - ''Are you circumcised?''
So he asked the receptionist - "Is that question necessary?"
She replied... "If you are circumcised you are not eligible" ..
He asked what difference it would make if he was circumcised?
She replied...."To become a politician. you have to be a complete prick ”.
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• Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!

 

• The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

 

• I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

 

• My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

 

• I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

 

 

• After both suffering from depression for a while, my wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "F*ck it, soldier on!"

 

• I woke up this morning at 8, and could just feel something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

 

• The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

 

• My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

 

• A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister."

 

"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."

 

• A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

 

• I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

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The owner of a golf course in Alabama was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Ya graduated from Auburn with a degree in accounting and I need some help.

If I wuz to give ya $20,000, minus 14%, how much would ya take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."

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FIVE OLD LADIES.....











Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH. Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back... wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"










"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... twenty-two kilometers an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time,"the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189."










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A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables, when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here."


The burglar nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as the burglar pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, the burglar shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" the burglar hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot said, then, "I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the hell are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

Moses replied, "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'."
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Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

 

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their heads and says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men say, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter: slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24" waist and 36" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, 'Jesus Christ!'"
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Two nuns in the bath.

One says "Where's the soap?"

The other says, "Yeah it does, doesn't it."

Mother Superior at lights-out in the Convent.

 

Goodnight Sisters; candles out...

 

Candles in...

 

Candles out...

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