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One Day A Rich man went to London on vacation.. He Took a Room in a 5 Star Hotel.

There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.

However, he accidentally typed the wrong email address, and without realizing, he sent the email to a widow who has just returned from her husband's funeral.

The widow decided to check her email, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message she fainted.

The son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read : "To my loving wife, i know you are surprised to hear from me, they have computers here and we are allowed to send emails to loved ones.

I have just checked in. How are You and the kids, The place is really nice, but am lonely here.

I have made necessary arrangement for Your arrival tomorrow. Expecting you darling. I can't wait to see you!"

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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for th

One sunny day in late January 2021, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,

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They saved the best for last...........

 

SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour

 

COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk

 

FASCISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk

 

NAZISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and shoots you

 

BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then

throws the milk away

 

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy

grows.

You sell them and retire on the income

 

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by

your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption

for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.

The public then buys your bull.

 

SURREALISM

You have two giraffes.

The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

 

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to

produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why

the cow has dropped dead.

 

A GREEK CORPORATION

You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,

dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.

You still only have two cows.

 

A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three

cows.

 

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce

twenty times the milk.

You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and

market it worldwide.

 

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows,

but you don't know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.

 

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.

 

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

 

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You worship them.

 

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Both are mad.

 

AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

You tell them that you have none.

No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.

You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

 

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

 

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows.

The one on the left looks very attractive...

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Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a ship that had sunk.

 

"Follow me son", the father shark said to his son, and they swam to the survivors.

 

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

 

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."And they did.

 

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

 

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them? Why did we swim around and around them?"

 

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside.”

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Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a ship that had sunk.

 

"Follow me son", the father shark said to his son, and they swam to the survivors.

 

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

 

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."And they did.

 

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

 

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them? Why did we swim around and around them?"

 

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside.”

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Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a ship that had sunk.

 

"Follow me son", the father shark said to his son, and they swam to the survivors.

 

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

 

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."And they did.

 

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

 

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them? Why did we swim around and around them?"

 

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside.”

The sharks didn't actually eat them all. Two were left alive. When the son asked the dad about this, the reply was.

 

"They're lawyers, Son. Professional Courtesy."

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One afternoon a little girl excitedly approached her gold digger mother, and announced that she had learned where babies come from at school that day :-) Amused, her mother replied, " Really, sweety? Why don't you tell me all about it? " The little girl explained, " Well...um...Ok... the mommy and daddy take off all their clothes, and the daddy's thing sort of stands up, and the mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's where babies come from " :-) Her mommy shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye to eye, and said, " Oh honey, that is sweet, but that is not where babies come from:-) That is where jewelry comes from :-)






v


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^^ very good.

 

 

 

 

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

 

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason, and it scares me."

 

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and falls asleep."

 

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor, looking fresh and reborn.

 

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

 

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."

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As lil johnny's class begins the teacher says "today we'll be studying sex education... She draws a giant penis on the blackboard and asks the class if anyone knew what it was.. Lil Johnny raises his hand and shouts out "it's a penis, I know, my daddy has two of them!"

The teacher looks at Johnny with a puzzled look and says "um Johnny, are you sure? No one has two penises."

Johnny replied, yes m'am, I've seen him use em both, he uses the small one to pee and the big one to brush the babysitters teeth..."

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As lil johnny's class begins the teacher says "today we'll be studying sex education... She draws a giant penis on the blackboard and asks the class if anyone knew what it was.. Lil Johnny raises his hand and shouts out "it's a penis, I know, my daddy has two of them!"

The teacher looks at Johnny with a puzzled look and says "um Johnny, are you sure? No one has two penises."

Johnny replied, yes m'am, I've seen him use em both, he uses the small one to pee and the big one to brush the babysitters teeth..."

Little Johnny's sister Little Janey comes home from school and tells her mommy "Jimmy showed me his willy, it was like a peanut"

Mommy surprised and a little worried asks, was it small like a peanut?

Little Janey say " No, it was salty"

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Lil Johnny's teacher played a game every Friday, right before the final bell rang, where she'd ask the class a super-difficult question and if any of the students were able to answer it correctly they got to take the following Monday off of school. This went on for weeks with no one able to correctly answer the difficult questions. Then one week, Johnny gets a bright idea and steals a couple of golf balls from his old man and paints them black and puts them in his pocket to take to school that Friday. Johnny is watching the clock and with seconds to spare before the teacher asked the difficult question of the week, Johnny takes the balls out of his pocket and rolls them up to the teacher's feet, getting her attention. She looks down and turns to the class and says "OK, who's the comedian with the black balls!??" Johnny says, "Flip Wilson! I'll see ya next Tuesday!"

 

**********

 

Teacher was asking her students if their parents had an hobbies. Most of the class' hands went up and kids were talking about how their dad collects stamps, or how another's mom like gardening, how another like reading, or golf, jogging. Curiously, Johnny didn't raise his hand during this exercise and so the teacher asked Johnny if his parents had any hobbies? Johnny sheepishly said "Well, my dad likes to wreck Venetian blinds." The teacher was confused about this and asked Johnny what kind of hobby that was? Johnny replied, "Well, I'm not exactly sure but sometimes when I walk by my parents room I'll hear my dad say to my mom "Honey, close those blinds so I can tear off a piece."

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Three Irish mates always knocking around together, Shaun, Mick and Patty. Unfortunately Mick meets with a fatal accident and the other two are asked to come to the morgue to identify their mate.

Shaun looks at the corpse and says "He's such a mess I can't be sure if it's him, can you roll him over?" The attendant roles the body over and Shaun says, "No that's not him."

Paddy is then asked to come and check and goes through the same process.

The Coroner then asks them how they can be sure the body is not that of their mate, Mick.

Shaun replies, "That's simple. We always knocked around together and every pub we went into the publican would say. "Ah, here comes Mick with the two arseholes."

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On her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, written by a U.S. man and posted on the Internet.

Dear Dr. Laura,
Thank yo...u for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there "degrees" of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God, if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football, if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14). I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Your adoring fan.
James M. Kauffman, Ed. D. Professor Emeritus,
Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education, University of Virginia

P.S. It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian
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A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water.

His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress.. There's a calculator in her pocketbook.

She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of foodand drink."

********POOF******

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.

*******POOF*******

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

******POOF******

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

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These are classified ads which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers

 

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. ;

8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites! ;

___________________________________________

FREE PUPPIES

1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. ;

________________________________________________

FREE PUPPIES. ;Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. ;

Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound. ;

_______________________________________________________

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. ;Also 1 gay bull for sale. ;

________________________________________________________

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! ;

Must sell washer and dryer £100. ;

_____________________________________________________________

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. ;

Worn once by mistake. ;

Call Stephanie. ;

___________________________________________________________

And the WINNER is... ;

 

FOR SALE BY OWNER. ;Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes. ;Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. ;No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything. ;

 

(Statement of the Century)

___________________________________________________________

 

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. ;

 

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?" ;

____________________________________________________________

Children Are Quick ;

TEACHER: ;Why are you late? ;

STUDENT: ;Class started before I got here. ;

____________________________________

TEACHER: ;John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? ;

JOHN: ;You told me to do it without using tables. ;

__________________________________________

TEACHER: ;Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' ;

GLENN: ;K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' ;

TEACHER: ;No, that's wrong. ;

GLENN: ;Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how ;I ;spell it. ;

(I Love this child) ;

____________________________________________

TEACHER: ;Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? ;

DONALD: ;H I J K L M N O. ;

TEACHER: ;What are you talking about? ;

DONALD: ;Yesterday you said it's H to O. ;

__________________________________

TEACHER: ;Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. ;

WINNIE: ;Me! ;

__________________________________________

TEACHER: ;Glen, why do you always get so dirty? ;

GLEN: ;Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. ;

_______________________________________

TEACHER: ;Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. ' ;

MILLIE: ;I is.. ;

TEACHER: ;No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.' ;

MILLIE: ;All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' ;

________________________________

TEACHER: ;George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? ;

LOUIS: ;Because George still had the axe in his hand..... ;

______________________________________

TEACHER: ;Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? ;

SIMON: ;No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. ;

______________________________

TEACHER: ;Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his? ;

CLYDE : ;No, sir. It's the same dog. ;

 

(I want to adopt this kid!!!) ;

___________________________________

TEACHER: ;Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? ;

HAROLD: ;A teacher ;. ;

__________________________________

(Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.)

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Hello, is this the Police?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Police descend on Billy’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy and left.
The phone rings at Billy's house: "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the Police come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas, Buddy"

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A UF football player heads over to the beach on Spring break. At a party he saw a couple of attractive young ladies and decided to strike up a conversation.

 

He asked them "what school do y'all go to?"

 

One of the young ladies replied "Yale."

 

He gets a funny look on his face and says "OK," and then he screams "WHAT SCHOOL DO Y'ALL GO TO?"

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how dumb can you get?

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim
Terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Lets have a look at the evidence:
- No Christmas
- No television
- No nude women
- No football
- No pork chops
- No hot dogs
- No burgers
- No beer
- No bacon
- Rags for clothes
- Towels for hats
-
Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower
- More than one wife
More than one mother in law
- You can't shave
- Your wife can't shave
- You can't wash off the smell of donkey
-
You cook over burning camel shit
- Your wife is picked by someone else for you
- and your wife smells worse than your donkey
Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"??

Well no sh*t Sherlock!....
It's not like it could get much worse

 

THE MUSLIMS ARE NOT HAPPY!

They're not happy in Gaza ..
They're not happy in Egypt ..
They're not happy in Libya ..
They're not happy in Morocco ..
They're not happy in Iran ..
They're not happy in Iraq ..
They're not happy in Yemen ..
They're not happy in Afghanistan ..
They're not happy in Pakistan ..
They're not happy in Syria ..
They're not happy in Lebanon ..

SO, WHERE ARE THEY HAPPY?

They're happy in Australia .
They're happy in Canada .
They're happy in England ..
They're happy in France ..
They're happy in Italy ..
They're happy in Germany ..
They're happy in Sweden ..
They're happy in the USA ..
They're happy in Norway ..
They're happy in Holland .
They're happy in Denmark .

Basically, they're happy in every country that is not Muslim
And unhappy in every country that is!

AND WHO DO THEY BLAME?

Not Islam.
Not their leadership.
Not themselves.

THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN!

AND THEN; They want to change those countries to be like....
THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY!

Excuse me, but I can't help wondering...

How damn dumb can you get?


 

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Say what you want, the above is NOT Apathetic ^^^^^^^^^^ :rolleyes: ( I know what you meant, and while I don't disagree with the OP, I do think it belongs in PA)

 

Meanwhile.....

 

 

SMART ASS ANSWER #6 It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3 The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

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^^^^ That's not a joke- that's just a pathetic attempt at schoolboy racism.

 

 

Standard stereotyping for the average intellectually challenged North American douche.

Your probably correct here. It should be posted in PA along with the one about the catholic priest banging kids. Oh, you did not mention that one. You must have found that amusing.

 

 

TerrorVision. Now there is a " pathetic " ID to attract attention.

 

Take a pill. It's a joke thread. Different strokes for different folks

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Sometimes people get caught doing something and end up with a lifelong nickname....

 

 

Four people having sex is a foursome

 

Three people is a threesome

 

 

 

Gaston's mom calls him handsome.

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Why Parents Drink
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '
'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

'
Yes ,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, '
No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' '
Yes '
'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, '
No '

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes, ' whispered the child, ' a policeman. '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

'
No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

'
Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer..

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

'
A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered,

'
The search team just landed a helicopter '

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

'
ME . '
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The Wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.

"Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible?" she said.

Being the good Yorkshire bloke that I am, I thought

"Bugger it, I'll give her a treat !"

So we walked past it again!
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Why did the man marry Siamese twins?

He wanted to have a girlfriend on the side

 

 

 

 

Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed?


She wanted to see how long she slept.

 

 

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray
is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.
He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.
Than it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,
but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns .
It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry?
It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A guy comes home after work to find his girlfriend of three years is moving out. Everything was loaded in a friends truck and she was just loading the last bag.

He was stunned. Asked her what's going on here?? She said she was leaving because she found out he was a pedophile!!

He shot back: Ooooooo that's a pretty big word for a 12yr old!

 

 

 

 

 

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, "Yesterday."

 

 


I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

 


I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

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jocal505, gaytor, wolfie and a tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.

jocal505 said, 'Well, I'm a californian, so I'd like one last plate of tofu and sprouts.'




The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the food. jocal505 ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'


gaytor said, 'I'm living in Florida, so I'd like to hear the UoF fight song, one last time.'

The terrorist leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song.




gaytor was satisfied.



wolfie said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.'

The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and wolfie dictated his comments.







He then said, 'Now I can die happy.'

The leader turned and asked, 'And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?


'Kick me in the ass,' said the Marine...


'What?' asked the leader, 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'

'No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,' insisted the Marine.

So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the ass.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead.

In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, then with his knife he slashed the throat of one, and with an AK-47, which he took, sprayed the rest of the terrorists killing another 11.


In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying gaytor, jocal505, and wolfie, they asked him, 'Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass?'

'What?' replied the Marine, 'and have you three assholes report that I was the aggressor.....?'

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Joe's Mrs. goes missing at the beach. Next day two grim-faced cops come to his door.

"Have you found her ?" Joe asks.

Cop: "We've got bad news, good news, and great news, Joe."

Joe: "What's the bad news?"

Cop: "We found your wife's body in the bay."

Joe: "Oh no! What's the good news?"

Cop: "When we pulled her up she had 12 big lobsters and 8 big crabs clinging to her. We've brought you your share of the catch."

Joe: "So what's the great news?"

Cop: "We're pulling her up again tomorrow!"

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A guy goes into Canada Post to apply for a job.....

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service!

Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay.

Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now.

Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at

10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says.

"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.. No point in you coming in for that."

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Today's Confucius Say:






Confucius Say: It's ok to let a fool kiss you, but don't let a kiss fool you.







Confucius Say: A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise.







Confucius Say: It is better to lose a lover than love a loser.







Confucius Say: Man with a broken condom is called a Daddy.







Confucius Say: Man who mix Viagra and Ex-Lax, doesn’t know if he's coming or going.







Confucius Say: A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.







Confucius Say: Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, and you lose interest.







Confucius Say: Viagra is like Disneyland... a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride.







Confucius Say: It is much better to want the mate you do not have than to have the mate you do not want.







Confucius Say: A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don't get it


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jocal505, gaytor, wolfie and a tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.

 

jocal505 said, 'Well, I'm a californian, so I'd like one last plate of tofu and sprouts.'

 

 

 

 

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the food. jocal505 ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'

 

 

gaytor said, 'I'm living in Florida, so I'd like to hear the UoF fight song, one last time.'

 

The terrorist leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song.

 

 

 

 

gaytor was satisfied.

 

 

 

wolfie said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.'

 

The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and wolfie dictated his comments.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He then said, 'Now I can die happy.'

 

The leader turned and asked, 'And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?

 

 

'Kick me in the ass,' said the Marine...

 

 

'What?' asked the leader, 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'

 

'No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,' insisted the Marine.

 

So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the ass.

 

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead.

 

In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, then with his knife he slashed the throat of one, and with an AK-47, which he took, sprayed the rest of the terrorists killing another 11.

 

 

In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

 

As the Marine was untying gaytor, jocal505, and wolfie, they asked him, 'Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass?'

 

'What?' replied the Marine, 'and have you three assholes report that I was the aggressor.....?'

 

There's many versions of this out there.

 

The way I heard it the first guy was also named Gaytor but it varied.

 

When asked for his final request Gaytor replied, "I am a lifelong submissive gay man. I'd like just one more time to be ass fucked." At first the leader of the terrorists was outraged by the homosexual desire, but figured why not. So he went out and rounded up 72 virgin boys willing to ass pound Gaytor, he didn't have to travel far. For 72 hours the pounding went on. After it was over the leader asked if Gaytor was satisfied to which Gaytor replied, "Have you got a donkey."

 

Other then that it's the same.

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A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping. The store clerk called 911 when he saw the man collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital, Catholic, where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. "Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have one sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

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Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

 

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

 

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

 

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

 

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

 

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

 

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

 

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.

Nothing.

 

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

 

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.

I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.

 

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

 

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .

Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...

 

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.

 

IT’S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT’S A BOY"

And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!

 

Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.

Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!

 

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.

 

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth

An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats! It’s doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!!

 

 

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

 

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'

Granny replies, f@@k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

 

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.

 

Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'

 

Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.

 

Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

 

Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'

 

Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'

 

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'

He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

 

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

 

An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'

 

He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

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A fart is a pleasant thing,

It gives the belly ease,

It warms the bed in winter,

And suffocates the fleas.

A fart can be quiet,

A fart can be loud,

Some leave a powerful,

Poisonous cloud

 

 

A fart can be short,

Or a fart can be long,

Some farts have been known

To sound like a song.....

A fart can create

A most curious medley,

A fart can be harmless,

Or silent,
and deadly.

 

 

A fart might not smell,

While others are vile,

A fart may pass quickly,

Or linger a while......

 

 

A fart can occur

In a number of places,

And leave everyone there,

With strange looks on their faces
.
From wide-open prairie,

To small elevators,

A fart will find all of

Us sooner or later.

 

But farts are all bad,

Is simply not true-

We must never forget.......

Sweet old farts like you!

 

Kinda brings a tear to your eye - right?

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Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

 

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.


MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

The conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say "Truck."

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A fart is a pleasant thing,It gives the belly ease,It warms the bed in winter,And suffocates the fleas.

 

A fart can be quiet,A fart can be loud,Some leave a powerful,Poisonous cloud A fart can be short,Or a fart can be long,Some farts have been knownTo sound like a song.....

 

 

 

 

A fart can createA most curious medley,A fart can be harmless,Or silent, and deadly. A fart might not smell,While others are vile,A fart may pass quickly,Or linger a while...... A fart can occurIn a number of places,And leave everyone there,With strange looks on their faces .

 

 

 

 

From wide-open prairie,To small elevators,A fart will find all ofUs sooner or later.

 

 

 

 

But farts are all bad,Is simply not true-We must never forget.......Sweet old farts like you! Kinda brings a tear to your eye - right?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yep

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WTF??? HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court,... word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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Circumcision Disqualifies a Politician in the USA

A man walks into the Election office, says to the receptionist:
"I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be an
Independent candidate.
The receptionist replied "Certainly sir. Please fill in this form.''
He was filling the form until he came to the question - ''Are you circumcised?''
So he asked the receptionist - "Is that question necessary?"
She replied... "If you are circumcised you are not eligible" ..
He asked what difference it would make if he was circumcised?
She replied...."To become a politician. you have to be a complete prick ”.
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• Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!

 

• The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

 

• I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

 

• My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

 

• I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

 

 

• After both suffering from depression for a while, my wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "F*ck it, soldier on!"

 

• I woke up this morning at 8, and could just feel something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

 

• The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

 

• My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

 

• A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister."

 

"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."

 

• A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

 

• I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

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The owner of a golf course in Alabama was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Ya graduated from Auburn with a degree in accounting and I need some help.

If I wuz to give ya $20,000, minus 14%, how much would ya take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."

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FIVE OLD LADIES.....











Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH. Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back... wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"










"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... twenty-two kilometers an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time,"the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189."










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A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables, when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here."


The burglar nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as the burglar pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, the burglar shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" the burglar hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot said, then, "I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the hell are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

Moses replied, "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'."
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Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

 

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their heads and says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men say, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter: slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24" waist and 36" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, 'Jesus Christ!'"
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Two nuns in the bath.

One says "Where's the soap?"

The other says, "Yeah it does, doesn't it."

Mother Superior at lights-out in the Convent.

 

Goodnight Sisters; candles out...

 

Candles in...

 

Candles out...

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A class of MHS '63 woman was asked, "At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get, Parkinsons or Alzheimers?"

The wise lady answered, "Definitely Parkinsons ~ better to spill half my wine than to forget where I keep the bottle."

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Warning: This message may contain course language, nudity and/or violence

That may not be suitable for all Email recipients. Your discretion is advised.

SCOTTISH WEDDING

At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. Yelled...

"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made

Your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

SEX

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore ….. A friend of mine

Was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

New Book

A man goes into Chapters and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have

The new book out for men with short penises?"

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

"That's the one; I'll take a copy…"

Poor Lance Armstrong -

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated

Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7

Tour de France races, while on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frig’n bike.

Drive By

A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the

Remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels.

Sick Bastard!!

The Agony of Aging

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my

Aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to

Turn your clock back".

SCAM

Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favourite

18 Holes". Turns out it's about golf.
Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.


Best Regards,
Charlie Sheen

So True

Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself.

The Moral of the story:

In life, no one helps you once you've been screwed.

Pregnant Prostitute

Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"
"For f.... Sakes ,
if you ate a tin of beans would you know which bean

Made you fart?"

Sex Research (could be handy)

If sex with 3 people is called a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome,

Now I understand why they call you handsome!

EASYJET

Paddy calls EASYJET to book a flight.
The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane. "

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A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.

The waitress, thinking this was a bit risque behaviour that might offend other diners, went over to the table and tactfully, began by saying to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am , but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."

 

 

 

I thnk the following has only appeared about 10 times, adding it to keep up with some of the later posts..

 

 

 

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.
Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time..

' The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

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Tastelless heartless warning

 

 

First LeBrom

Now the three young women

 

Is it all day news every time somebody escapes from Cleveland???

 

 

 

Ok then

 

 

 

A

Too bad it was Bush and not Kennedy in office.

 

Kennedy didn't let those Castro brothers shoot their missiles off inside our borders

 

 

 

What??? Too soon!????

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The Arrogance of Authority


A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.

He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !!

No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......


With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....


(I just love this part....)


"Your badge, show him your f....ing' BADGE........ ! !"

 

 

 

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A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!" The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?" The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?" The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?" The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer."

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I heard that one years ago from the owner of a Tartan 10 that I used to race on. I had the guy pegged as a stiff collar type, but he told that joke motoring in at the end of a race and have never forgot it. He didn't have the brother in his version, that only makes it better!

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Old Mr. Rugelbaum suffered from a rare disease which his doctor said could be cured by drinking human milk.

"Where do I get human milk?" asked Rugelbaum.

"Well, Mrs. Finkelstein just had a baby girl; maybe she can help."

So, every day Rugelbaum went to Finkelstein's house for his daily "medicine."

Mrs. Finkelstein was a dark-eyed, big-breasted young woman, who, in spite of herself, gradually grew aroused as Rugelbaum lapped at her ripe breasts.

After a week or so, she whispered to him, "Tell me, Mr. Rugelbaum: do you like it?"

"Mmmm, yes. Wonderful," he sighed.

She hesitated, her lips parted and eyes aglow. "Is there anything else you'd enjoy?"

Rugelbaum murmured softly between slurps, "As a matter of fact there is."

"What?" she whispered. Rugelbaum said,

"Maybe an oatmeal cookie?"

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A guy meets a gal in a bar and asks, "May I buy you a drink?"

"Okay. But it won't do you any good." she replies.

A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"

"Okay. But it won't do you any good."

He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay. But it won't do you any good."

They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."

She says, "Oh, well that's different. Send her in."

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There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone brother

2. He liked Gospel

3. He didn't get a fair trial

 

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business

2. He lived at home until he was 33

3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God

 

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1.. He talked with His hands

2. He had wine with His meals

3. He used olive oil

 

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut His hair

2. He walked around barefoot all the time

3. He started a new religion

 

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:

1. He was at peace with nature

2. He ate a lot of fish

3. He talked about the Great Spirit

 

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.

2. He was always telling stories.

3. He loved green pastures.

 

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it

3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do

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Fifty Shades of Chocolate

 

 

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight.

 

She was from Quality Street, he was a Fisherman's Friend.

 

On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a

 

Wine Gum.

 

He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said.

 

"I'm the one with the nuts," he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.

 

They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury

 

Turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.

 

It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her

Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and

Miss Rowntree shaked her Tic Tacs for him.

 

Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a

Trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he Always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.

 

When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie.

 

She wanted more, but he needed a Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink

Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet

Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!

 

Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.

 

Sadly, 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss

Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!!!

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A father and son canibal are walking through the jungle then all of a sudden come accross a beautiful fair maiden. The son canibal looks at the father and says:

"Dad! Lets take her home and eat her!"

The dad looks at the son and says:

"Let's take her home and eat your mother!"

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Fifty Shades of Chocolate

 

 

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight.

 

She was from Quality Street, he was a Fisherman's Friend.

 

On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a

 

Wine Gum.

 

He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said.

 

"I'm the one with the nuts," he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.

 

They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury

 

Turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.

 

It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her

Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and

Miss Rowntree shaked her Tic Tacs for him.

 

Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a

Trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he Always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.

 

When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie.

 

She wanted more, but he needed a Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink

Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet

Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!

 

Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.

 

Sadly, 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss

Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!!!

 

That's the dumbest thing I've heard here yet! <_<

Sometimes you feel like a nut. Sometimes you don't.

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This is sick.....

 

A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump.

A passing hobo stops and says, "since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"

The woman said "Hell no...get away from me!"

The bum turned to leave and muttered "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."

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A man brings his best mate home for dinner after work...unannounced.
His wife goes ballistic.........screams at him as his friend listens in.
"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas
and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!
What the hell did you bring him home for?
"Because he's thinking of getting married...."

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An old, retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks

once more for old time's sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up

to a room.

 

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing

some reassurance, asks "How am I doing Darlin?"

 

The prostitute replies, "Well old sailor, you're doing about three

knots."

 

"Three knots?" he asks, "What's that supposed to mean?"

She replies, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting

your money back."

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It was a dark, stormy, night. The Sailor was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty. A Captain stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Seaman snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out ," Good Evening, Sir!"

 

The Captain, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening Seaman, nice night, isn't it?" Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Sailor wasn't going to disagree with the Captain, so the he saluted again and replied "Yes Sir!".

 

The Captain continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?" The Seaman didn't agree, but then the seaman was just a seaman, and responded " Yes Sir!"

 

Then the Captain, pointing at the dog said, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train." The Seaman glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said " Yes Sir!" The Captain continued "I got this dog for my wife." The Seaman simply said, "Good trade Sir!"

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A pirate and his parrot were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To his amazement, a Genie came forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving any thought to the matter the pirate blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into rum!" The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest rum ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of rum on the hull broke the stillness as the two considered their circumstances. The parrot looked disgustedly at the pirate and after a tension-filled moment spoke: "Just great. Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

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So there's this Pirate with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the pirate who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then he gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran pirate blush. At that point, he is so mad that he throws the it into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on. By the way, what did the chicken do?"

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For the girls>??>??>?>>

 

God was just about done creating the universe, but He had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.

He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."

 

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool. I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please."

 

On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, he could have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability.

 

And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And lo, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.

 

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts.

 

"What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

 

 

 

 

=+++++++++++++++

 

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?

(because they are plugged into a genius)

 

2. WHY DON'T MEN BLINK DURING SEX?

(they don't have enough time)

 

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

(they don't stop to ask directions)

 

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

 

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?

(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

 

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

 

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

(don't know....it never happened)

( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

 

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

 

+++++++++++++====

 

 

A family are sitting around the supper table.

 

The son asks his father: "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"

 

The father, surprised, answers:

 

"Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.

 

In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm.

 

In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

 

After fifty, they are like onions."

 

"Onions?"

 

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry!"

 

This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said:

 

"Mum, how many kinds of willies are there?"

 

The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers:

 

"Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

 

In a man's twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

 

In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.

 

After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

 

"A Christmas tree?"

 

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only!"

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A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

 

He notices, however, that all the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

 

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery

where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked

vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go

by and nobody sees the old abbot.

 

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing,

"We missed the "R" ! , we missed the "R" !"

 

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying

uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

 

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...

 

CELEBRATE!!!"

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VASELINE (BIT CRUDE!)

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one

day; he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it.

 

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years

old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys

it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for

10 years.

 

"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike

is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It

protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

 

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her

parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they

enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you

something about my family before we go in." "When we eat dinner, we

don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during

dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go.

 

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge

stack of dirty dishes.

 

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the

stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

 

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

 

So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches

over and fondles her breasts.

 

Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her

clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in

front of her parents.

 

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and

her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

 

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs

the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her

every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend

is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

 

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to

rain.

 

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his

pocket.

 

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right,

that's enough, I'll do the f*cking dishes!"

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An old man walks into the whorehouse one afternoon.

 

"What's your pleasure, blond, brunette or redhead?" asks the madam.

 

"No preference," says the old man. "Just give me a girl that's got gonorrhea."

 

"But sir, all of our girls are strictly clean."

 

"Bullshit. I've never been in a whorehouse where most of the girls didn't have one disease or another."

 

"I assure you sir, our girls go the doctor once a month and any that don't come back with a clean bill of health have to leave immediately."

 

"Look, I'll pay you $500 for an hour with a girl so long as she has gonorrhea."

 

Not wishing to lose out on such an exorbitant fee, the madam instructs the old man to go upstairs to Betty in room 207. As he's going up the stairs, the madam calls Betty on the phone.

 

"Listen Betty, this old guy coming up the stairs is harmless, but he has this weird fantasy. He wants to get it on with someone who has gonorrhea. Just tell him you do OK?"

 

"OK," says Betty, and sure enough, the first words out the old man's mouth when he enters the room are:

 

"Before we get started, I have to know the truth. Do you have gonorrhea."

 

"Oh yes sir. Just got the blood test back last Friday."

 

Well, all righty then! Let's get it on."

 

And so for the next hour, the old man uses his vast experience in the art of love to give young Betty the most mind blowing, multi-orgasmic sex she's ever known. Later, as she's watching the old Lothario get dressed, she is grateful for the experience and increasingly sad that she lied to him earlier. He's turning to leave when she suddenly blurts out "Look sir, you were so great I just can't lie to you anymore. I don't have gonorrhea."

 

The old man paused for a moment, and then just as he was walking out the door said, "Well, you do now."

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BBQ ETIQUETTE

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore, it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events are put into motion.

Routine:
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine:
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine:
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off" and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.


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