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The Irish candle!!

The Lass was Walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with
Father Flaherty. The Father said, "Top o'the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye
Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband 2 years ago?"
She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."
The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?"
She replied, "No, not yet, Father."
The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband."
She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father."

They then parted ways. Some years later they met again. The Father asked,
"Well now, Mrs. Donovan,how are ye these days?"
She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"
The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"
She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!"

The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving husband doing?"

She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin candle."

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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for th

One sunny day in late January 2021, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,

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I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair; but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam. We're stoning her in the morning!

 

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name is Kathy.

 

Went to our local bar with my girlfriend last night. Locals were

shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

 

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his

class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

 

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

 

A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator

says, "How do you know?" The man says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

 

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get

reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

 

My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

 

The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we would

contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

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I always wear noise cancelling headphones when I masturbate.

It sounds ridiculous, but I got tired of hearing people yell at me on the bus.

 

 

 

 

..and

What do you call a dead prostitute?




Free

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Sensitivity test for men

 

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

A. Lovemaking.

B. Screwing.

C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

 

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared:

A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.

B. Your blood-test results.

C. Five tequila slammers.

 

3. You time your orgasm so that:

A. Your partner climaxes first.

B. You both climax simultaneously.

C. You don't miss AFL Insider.

 

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

A. Healthy, creative love-play..

B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.

C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.

 

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is:

A. The best part of the experience.

B. The second best part of the experience.

C. $100 extra.

 

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:

A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.

B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.

C. A conservative estimate.

 

7.. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

A. A myth.

B. An oxymoron.

C. A moron.

 

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

A. An appetizer is to entree.

B. Primer is to paint.

C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

 

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

A. I hope we can still be friends.

B. I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.

C. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU.

 

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.

B. Is uptight and a waste of time.

C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

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Heard my neighbour shagging for what seemed like ages last nite, moaning, groaning & banging the headboard off the wall! ... turns out her elderly mother had fallen over cracked her head & was knocking on the wall with her stick for help. ...feel a bit guilty about the wank now

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Two lawyers are leaving the office. “I can’t wait to get home,” says one of them. “As soon as I walk in the door, I’m going to rip my wife’s panties right off.”

“I know the feeling,” the other says.

“No, I’m serious,” says the first. “They’re killing me.”

 

Excuse me" I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus "You have some semen on the back of your jacket".

 

"I'm sure it's not semen" she said "It's probably yoghurt". "It's definitely semen" I said "I don't ejaculate yoghurt".

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Heard my neighbour shagging for what seemed like ages last nite, moaning, groaning & banging the headboard off the wall! ... turns out her elderly mother had fallen over cracked her head & was knocking on the wall with her stick for help. ...feel a bit guilty about the wank now

That made me laugh outloud. Well done.

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Call Up - Guys Over 60
This is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier....
New Direction for any war:
Send Service Vets over 60!



I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists.. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing arse -backwards.

Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.


For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.


Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry..' We are normally bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some arsehole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while..


An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.


Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.


They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any press-ups after completing basic training.


Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.


An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.


These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.


Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off
old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.



HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
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An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah.

 

He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request.

 

Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman.

 

So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 whores?"

 

Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because

arse holes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex.

 

So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually hungry; and frankly, you'll

be on a constant and very exhausting duty."

 

The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women

satisfied for all eternity!”

 

Allah replied quizzingly, "Who told you they were women..?"

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Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint, the phone rings and he jumps up shouting, ‘Oh shit, I forgot to feed the dog!'

 

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

 

So this classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, ‘Euripedes?’ The professor replies, ‘Yes. Eumenides?

 

A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5ft to the left, the chemist takes a shot and misses 5ft to the right, and the statistician yells, ‘We got ‘im!

 

A programmer's wife tells him: ‘Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.’ The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

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A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident "

 

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"

 

Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."

 

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a

Brazilian?"

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Mexican Words Of The day

 

1. *Cheese*

The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence.

Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese ugly.

 

2. *Mushroom*

When all my family get in the car

There's not mushroom.

 

3. *Shoulder*

My fren wants 2 become a citizen,

But che didn't know how to read,

So I, shoulder.

 

4. * Texas *

When I'm not home,

My fren always Texas me,

Che wonders where I am!

 

5. *Herpes*

Me and my fren ordered pizza.

I got mine piece

Then che got herpes.

 

6. *July*

Ju told me ju were going to tha store

But ju went to see sum guy,

July to me! Julyer!

 

7. *Rectum*

I had 2 cars

But my wife rectum!

 

8. *Chicken*

I was going to go to the store with my wife

But che said chicken go herself.

 

9. *Wheelchair*

We only have one enchilada left

But don't worry wheelchair

 

10. *Chicken* *wing*

My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

 

11. *Harassment*

My wife caught me in bed with another women.

I told her, "Honey, harassment nothen to me..

 

12. *Bishop*

My wife fell down the stair

So I had to pick the bishop.

 

13. *Body wash*

I want to go to the club

But no body wash my kids.

 

14. *Budweiser*

That women has a nice body,

Budweiser face so ugly?

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Three couples went out camping.

 

The three husbands stayed in one tent

 

and the three wives stayed in the other.

 

 

At about 3 in the morning,

 

Bob woke up and yelled,

 

"Wow, unbelievable!"

 

 

Bill woke up and asked, "What's going on?"

 

 

Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent

 

and find my wife."

 

 

"How come?"

 

 

"To have sex! I just woke up with the

 

biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!"

 

 

After a pause, Bill said,

 

"Do you want me to come with you?"

 

 

"Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?"

 

 

"Because that's my dick you're holding!"

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A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

 

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

 

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

 

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child.

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This letter was sent to the School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.

 

Dear Lions Bay School,

 

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

 

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

 

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to fuck off.

 

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

 

God bless you all.

 

Sincerely,

 

Edna

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A fellow went off on his honeymoon, and after returning meets up with a friend for a beer and conversation. The friend, being single and a pervert to boot, begins to inquire as to the festivities of the honeymoon. "So, Bob, big married man, did ya get any while you were out there?" the friend asks. Bob just shakes his head. "Ah, you know me. I like to fish. So I just fished." His friend gasps. "You mean you didn't have no sex? C'mon, Bob, tell me at least got a blowjob!" Bob again shakes his head. "Naw, she had pyorrhea, so I just fished. You know I like to fish." His friend replies, "Bob, she's your god damn wife! She's gotta give it up when you say! You should just made her do it!" Bob replies, "Nah, she had gonorrhea, and you know me. I like to fish, so I just fished." His friend, now quite upset, says, "What?! Why didn't ya just pork it up her ass?" "Well," says Bob, "she had diarrhea...and you know me, I like to fish. So I just fished." His friend, totally exasperated by this point, shouts at him, "Jesus! Why'd you marry this sick bitch anyway?!" Bob replies, "Well, she got worms, and you know how I like to fish..."

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Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

 

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

 

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

 

She sleepily replied,

 

"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit."

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Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week and said, 'Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door. They undressed and got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and ....'

 

The mother held up her hand and said, 'Not another word! Wait until your father gets home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me.'

 

The father came home and the wife tells him that she's leaving him. 'But why?' croaked the husband.

 

'Go ahead, Johnny. Tell Daddy what you've just told me.'

 

'Well,' said little Johnny, 'I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob.'

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A 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon's

office. "You know, Doc," he said, "I've made love in more exotic

cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand."

 

"And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis

you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable

positions," the medic said.

 

"Hell, no," the old fellow replied. "I want to borrow your

Lamborghini."

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A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

 

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

 

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

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Had to call the cops today- a Mexican immigrant with epilepsy was tearing through his '79 F150 frantically looking for his medicine.. It's my duty as a citizen to uphold our constitution and as such I was compelled to report an illegal search and seizure..

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Poor guy lay in the bed of his truck twitching and covered in the lettuce he picked that day when the cops walked up and refused to take him away... Said neither of em ordered a seizure salad..

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Groundbreaking surgery was completed today as a female burn patient was given the gift of new eyelids after the generous donation by an unnamed Samaritan. The anonymous donor donated his foreskin after he was circumsized so the woman could have reconstructive surgery.. The procedure went very well and the only noticeable effect is that now she's a bit cockeyed.

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IT IS TIME FOR A SHORT LESSON ON APHORISMS.
AN APHORISM IS:
A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE THAT EXPRESSES A WISE,
OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH LIKE THE EXAMPLES GIVEN BELOW

1. The nicest thing about the future is . . .
that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog . . .
but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humour . . .
you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining . . .
as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is . . .
when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of
the dark . .
to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important . . .
because they demonstrate how many people a company can
operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions . . .
you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a cat (or dog) . . .
and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy
(or girl) . . .
who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins . . .
the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong
number at 4 a.m. . .
like, it could be the right number.

13. No one ever says "It's only a game" . . .
when their team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where . . .
'happy hour' is a nap.

15. Be careful about reading the fine print . . .
there's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that . . .
not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years . . .
we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
(And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)

18. Money can't buy happiness . . .
but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than
in a Yugo.

19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint . . .
you're probably dead.

20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't
mind . . .
and the ones that mind don't matter.

21. Life isn't tied with a bow . . .
but it's still a gift.

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Girl is the ultimate Beatlemaniac. Decides to get a tattoo of John's, Paul's, George's , and Ringo's face on her inner thighs.

Guy finishes and she looks and goes, "That doesn't look anything like them!" He says, "Tell you what. Let's get a neutral 3rd party to look, and if he can ID them we're good, otherwise you don't owe me a cent."

She agrees and they go out to the alley and find a bum. She sits on a stool and pulls her skirt up. Bum looks and looks, then goes, "I don't know who the four other guys are but the one in the middle is DEFINITELY Willie Nelson."

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A young man gets sent to jail, and gets put into a jail cell with a convict the size of the Incredible Hulk. After lights out, he hears a whisper from the top bunk.

 

"Let's play Mommy and Daddy. Who do you wanna be?" Thinking quick, the man says "daddy."

 

"Then come up here and suck Mommy's d*ck."

 

I walked into the porn shop this morning I said, "Three of your filthiest porn mags please, mate."

 

He said, "Have you got anything in mind?"

 

I said, "Yes, I'm going to have a wank."

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"How's that fat bitch wife of yours these days?" My mate Dave asked me in the pub last night.

 

"Actually, she's been going to the gym since Christmas." I told him. "Twelve hundred bucks a month it's costing me."

 

"Feck me, in membership??"

 

"No, treadmill repairs."

 

I got a great deal on a second-hand sex doll.

 

The guy described it as the most realistic doll on the market.

 

He was right as well. She was dripping wet before I even started

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Paddy is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without

underwear.

 

The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my vagina?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," Paddy replies and promises to avert his eyes.

 

"It's quite all right," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the vagina blows him a kiss.

 

Paddy, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder vagina can do.

 

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Paddy stares in amazement as the vagina winks at him.

 

"Come and sit next to me" suggests the woman, patting the seat. Paddy moves over and she smiles and asked seductively, "I bet you'd like to stick a couple of fingers in?"...

Paddy replied...... "You’re kidding—you mean it can whistle, too?”

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Bob went to the drugstore to buy some condoms for the first time. The pharmacist noticed that he was a bit confused and offered help. The pharmacist told him he could buy a three pack, a six pack, or a twelve pack.

 

Bob asked, "What's the difference?"

 

"The three pack was for high school kids; one for Friday, one for Saturday, one for Sunday. The six pack is for college kids; two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

 

"What's the twelve pack for?"

 

The pharmacist looked down at the floor, and let out a sigh. With a tear in his eye he explained, "Those are for married couples; one for January, one for February, one for March..."

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Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face.

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of matchsticks, his little face
lit up when he tried to walk..Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders.
All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen,
‘what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?'
I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'
She replied, 'I was talking to the cat!'


I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail.
I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'

Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!'
Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.
So I went to my Dr. and said I needed something for my joints...

He handed me a lighter
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A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, Anne Maynard, has sued St Luke's hospital, saying that after her husband was treated there recently, he had lost all interest in sex.

 

A hospital spokesman replied, "Mr. Maynard was actually admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight."

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At one point during a game, the coach called one of
his 9-year-old baseball players aside and
asked, 'Do you understand what cooperation
is? What a team is?' The little boy nodded in
the affirmative.

'Do you understand that
what matters is whether we win or lose together
as a team?'

The little boy nodded
'yes'.

'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm
sure you know, when an out is called, you
shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or
call him a pecker-head, dickhead or asshole. Do
you understand all that? '

The little boy
nodded 'yes' again.

He continued, 'And
when I take you out of the game so another boy
gets a chance to play too, it's not good
sportsmanship to call your coach "a dumb ass or
shithead" is it?'

The little boy shook
his head 'NO'.

'GOOD', said the coach . .
. 'Now go over there and explain all that to
your grandmother!'

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Some people have a problem with breast feeding in public.

 

Especially this woman on the bus this morning.

 

I only managed a tiny suck before she hit me on the head with her handbag.

 

What's taking so long for Kate to have this fecking kid.

 

I haven't seen a royal having this much trouble reaching the end of a tunnel since Diana

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A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can

Get a haircut?

*The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said,

'About 2 hours.' The guy left.

*A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, How

Long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.' The guy

Left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long

Before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half'.

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor. Follow

That guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for

A haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.'

 

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does that guy go when he leaves?'

 

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,

 

'Your House'

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A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can

Get a haircut?

*The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said,

'About 2 hours.' The guy left.

*A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, How

Long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.' The guy

Left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long

Before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half'.

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor. Follow

That guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for

A haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.'

 

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does that guy go when he leaves?'

 

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,

 

'Your House'

beauty.........thats a good one

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A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

To check it out, she went to the Wall, and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray, and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me Sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"
Morris Feinberg," he replied

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall to pray?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"
I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."


"And how do you feel Sir, after doing this for 60 years?"


"It's like talking to a f***ing brick wall."

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I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night. They were called "Bomb Jovi". They were brilliant.

 

Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down.


Then this Muslim guy started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on DVD.


I was interested so I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?"


Well, that was when the trouble started...

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Riddle de Jour:

 

What gets easier and easier to pick-up

when it gets heavier and heavier?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wair for it ....

 

 

Wair for waht?

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The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

 

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You Bastard!"

 

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

 

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"

 

 

The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom........ "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

 

Paddy stands up and says.......

"I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that arsehole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

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British Humour


A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.


A Muslim has died whilst training to be a Skydiver. The "British National Party school of diving" said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.


Such an unfair world:- When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it's £2.50/min (charges may vary).


Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I've called him London.


If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's probably Spam.


They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.




Yea, and once a year ain't helpin either !
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Some are repeats, sorry...

 

 

Puns for the educated mind.

 

 

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.


2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.


3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.


4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.


5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.


6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.


7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.


8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.


10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.


12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'


13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.


14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'


15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.


16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.


17. A backward poet writes inverse.


18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.


19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.


20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine.


21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'


22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'


23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'


25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.


26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

 

 

 

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Is that a void-ho bomb? I'm not clicking it.

Actually, it's pretty good. Intentional or not, it's a good play upon dumb-sounding "cultural", invented-up names.
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Is that a void-ho bomb? I'm not clicking it.

Actually, it's pretty good. Intentional or not, it's a good play upon dumb-sounding "cultural", invented-up names.

Key and Peele, they also did a bit on College football players, may have been posted here last fall. funny guys.

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With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

 

"No," said her husband.

 

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

 

She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"

 

"Uh...no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

 

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties…and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation. "Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

 

"No way!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied...

 

"Go look in the garage,"
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A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse and tries to throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when suddenly the Wal-Mart manager runs out and pulls the plug.
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There were these three girls who were getting married and
they all met at the marriage counsellor’s office to discuss the options
of having or not having a baby right away.
They were two city girls and one farm girl.
The counsellor asked them if they planned on having a baby
right away or were going to wait awhile.
They all said that they had discussed this with their potential
husbands and had all agreed to wait awhile.
Well, the counsellor asked the first girl what type of birth control
she planned to use.
Her answer was, “The rhythm method”.
“That will work,” said the counsellor, “but only if
you keep a good record.”
He asked the second girl what system she planned on using.
“I plan on using birth control pills” she said.
Again he said, “Yes that will work as long as you don 't forget
to take them”.
He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using.
Her answer was, “The bucket and saucer method.”
After a short delay, he told her that should also work.
He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date
for a follow up on how things were going.
They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant.
Only the farm girl was still slim and trim.
Well, the counsellor asked the first girl what method she used and
what went wrong.
She replied, “I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes
mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.”'
He asked the second city girl what method she used and she replied,
“The birth control pill ... But we were camping one weekend
and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see,
I too am going to have a baby.”
He turns to the farm girl. “I vaguely remember you were going to use
the bucket and saucer method.
Now I must admit that I don 't have a clue
what the bucket and saucer method is.
Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you..”
She replied, “Well, we always make love standing up,
and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband,
he stands on a bucket turned upside down.
Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes
get as big as saucers ......
“I kick the bucket out from under him”.



A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee outside an Arizona immigration office. "Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children."

The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING!--he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

"What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go."

The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with a three-car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my Country. I want to bring them all over here" --- and -- PING !-- in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three-car garage, a long driveway, and a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.

One more wish," said the fairy, waving her wand.

"Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero. And I want to have white skin like Americans" ---and --- PING!-- The man was transformed - wearing worn-out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt, and a baseball Cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

"What happened to my new teeth?" He wailed. "Where is my new house?"

The fairy said: "Tough sh*t, amigo, now that you are an American,
you have to fend for yourself."

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An Elementary School Teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1.

Don't change horses
until they stop running.
2.
Strike while the
bug is close.
3.
It's always darkest before
Daylight Saving Time.
4.
Never underestimate the power of
termites.
5.
You can lead a horse to water but
how?
6.
Don't bite the hand that
looks dirty.
7.
No news is
impossible.
8.
A miss is as good as a
Mr.
9.
You can't teach an old dog new
math.
10.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll
stink in the morning.
11.
Love all, trust
me.
12.
The pen is mightier than the
pigs.
13.
An idle mind is
the best way to relax.
14.
Where there's smoke there's
pollution.
15.
Happy the bride who
gets all the presents.
16.
A penny saved is
not much.
17.
Two's company, three's
the Musketeers.
18.
Don't put off till tomorrow what
you put on to go to bed.
19.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and
you have to blow your nose.
20.
There are none so blind as
Stevie Wonder.
21.
Children should be seen and not
spanked or grounded.
22.
If at first you don't succeed
get new batteries.
23.
You get out of something only what you
see in the picture on the box.
24.
When the blind lead the blind
get out of the way.
25.
A bird in the hand
is going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
26.
Better late than
pregnant.
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One morning a father and young son are eating breakfast at a local diner, when in walks President Obama on a surprise PR photo op visit.

The President sits down in the booth next to the young boy and strikes up a trivial conversation when the boy interrupts to say..

 

" My daddy says you are spying on all of us, is that true??"

 

President Obama, taken aback, quickly assess' the situation and looks to the father, then looks back to the boy and replies..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

" That's not your father..."

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The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention centre where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General.

As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America ."

... The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help?"

The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called Star Trek and in it there is... Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on Star Trek."

The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future..."
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ANDY ROONEY, (American Journalist) ON SEX!


1. When I was born, I was given a choice, a big pecker or a good memory....
I don't remember what I chose.


2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.


3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.


4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."


5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and
'stop', unless they are used together.


6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.


7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.


8. Virginity can be cured.


9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.


10. Having sex is like playing bridge, if you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.


12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.


13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.


14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and
she was happy with the Thing.


15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.


16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.


17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep
with their wives!

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FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER ................
These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now!


Q..
Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be ?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

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The Farmer's Wife
-----------------

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy,
Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the very attractive woman who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

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There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own.

He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them.

As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date.

This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the

door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived.

Father answered the door and the lad said,

"Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?"

The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad arrived and said,

"My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?"

Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door.

 

The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck… --" and the farmer shot him.

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Chinese Farmer's Daughter

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

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Man walks up to a farmers house, knocks on the door. When a woman opened the door, the man ask if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, the man knocked, again, asked the same question. Again, not amused, she screamed get the hell away.

Later, she told her husband of the incident. he said he would stay home the following day just in case.

Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while the lady answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex, she said yes.

The man replied, "Great, give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife.

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A magician worked on a cruise ship, the audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem; the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, It’s not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, and use to curse the clever parrot but couldn't do anything else, it was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night out in the Pacific, the ship sank, drowning everybody on board, except the magician who luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the ocean and as fate would have it ... With the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said..
...


"OK, I give up. Where's the bloody ship?"

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I don't know if anyone remembers Pam Ayres but here it is:

 

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view) - By Pam Ayres of course..


The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey

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When you're over Sixty who gives a shit?
This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?" I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out." *********** I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did all that, I'd be talking to your Girlfriends over there instead of you."

*********** I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs. "Really" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.

"Come on, what day was I born"? I said, "Yesterday." *********** I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

*********** I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs." The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so." I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. " When you're over sixty, who gives a shit?
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20 Clever Words Definition

1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds
2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tries to do
3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage
4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with
5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate
6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living
8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist
9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does
10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money
11. MISTY: How golfers create divots
12. PARADOX: Two physicians
13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm
15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with
16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV
17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring
18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife
19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does
20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official
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When I came home from sailing today, the wife left a note on the fridge:
It's not working, gone to stay with my Mother.
I can't take it anymore.
I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold.
What the hell is she talking about?

 

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A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.










A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.










The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"










He replied, "They had avocados."










If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time.










My work is done here.










------------------------------------------------------










Water in the carburetor










WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."










HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "










WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."










HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?










WIFE: "In the pool"










===========================================










THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYSOME IN RECENT YEARS.










25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.










That's scary.










It means 75% are running around untreated.










------------------------------------------------------------------------------










A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.










Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.










The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.










"Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"










Meg replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."










"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.










"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"










-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=










HE MUST PAY










Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."










Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.










-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=










Today's Short Reading from the Bible...










From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."










Then He made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed!






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A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its featuresMeg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end "Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like your new phoneMeg replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

 

 

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

I don't get it :unsure:

Think back to when cell phones were new and the way most people called someone was to call the place they were. Not the best joke in the list. Took me a minute to figure out, too.
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A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its featuresMeg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end "Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like your new phoneMeg replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

 

 

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

I don't get it :unsure:

Think back to when cell phones were new and the way most people called someone was to call the place they were. Not the best joke in the list. Took me a minute to figure out, too.

key word "blonde".

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A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.

Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.

"Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Meg replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

 

 

I don't get it :unsure:

ummm...are you blonde by any chance ?

 

cheers,

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