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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for th

One sunny day in late January 2021, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,

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The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.


The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.


The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.


Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."


The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."


Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..


The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.


Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.



And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

Credit should go to the original author- John Cleese.
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For those who haven't heard, CALIFORNIA just passed both laws-
Allowing Gay marriage and legalizing use of marijuana.

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day
Makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says,
"If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."

We obviously just hadn't interpreted it correctly before.

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The largest condom factory in the States burned down.
President Obama was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.


"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week."
Obama: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some condoms in from Mexico .."
Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock.. What about Canada?"
Obama: "Okay, I'll call Stephen Harper and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick. That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans."
Three days later, a delighted President Obama ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, exactly as requested... all colored with red maple leaves with small writing on each one:
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Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."

Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.”


Today's Short Reading from the Bible...

From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."

Then He made the earth round...

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.”

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

Water in the carburetor

WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?

WIFE: "In the pool"

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· To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

· When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

· A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

· When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.

· The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes

was on shaky ground.

· The batteries were given out free of charge.

· A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth

and nail.

· A will is a dead giveaway.

· If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

· With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

· Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show

you A-flat miner.

· You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

· Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

· A boiled egg is hard to beat.

· When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a


· Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old

was resisting a rest.

· Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was

cut off? He's all right now.

· If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog

your memory.

· A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

· In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism,

it's your Count that votes.

· When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

· The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was

fully recovered.

· He had a photographic memory which was never


· Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed

in the end.

· When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought

she'd dye.

· Acupuncture: a jab well done.

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Two golfers were on the first tee. The first golfer teed off with a great shot onto the fairway, but the second golfer dithered around quite a bit, constantly shifting his feet and lining up his club.
The first golfer finally lost his patience and said "Aw for farks sake, just hit the @#$% ball!!" angry%209.gif
The second golfer replies: "I'm trying to hit the perfect shot, .....my wife is watching from the clubhouse."

"Forget it!" Said the first golfer, "You'll never hit her from here!" clear.png

2 blokes are playing golf. The pair in front are slowing them up and taking for ever. One of the men walks the 150m up to them to ask to play through before turning abruptly just before them and walking back to the tee. After being asked what the matter is the man states:

"You wouldn't believe it but one of the women is my wife and the other my mistress."
The second man walks over but also returns to the tee remarking:
"Small world"

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A cowboy and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed.

The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied, Nope, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.'

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An English tourist was driving through the Outback when he noticed a man on the side of the road having sex with a kangaroo.

A few k's further on he came upon a small Outback town, parked his car and went into the pub for a drink.

He grabbed a beer and had a look around the bar and noticed a one legged guy sitting in the corner masterbating without a care in the world.

The English tourist turned to the barman and said:

"What sort of country is this! A few K's down the road there was a guy having sex with a kangaroo and that guy in the corner is masterbating in full view of everyone."

The barman said, " You heartless b@#!$*&, he's only got one leg, how do you expect him to catch a kangaroo."

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I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
and all the patients were shouting, '13...13...13...13...13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.....

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

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A blonde heard that bathing in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes."

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A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan Uni
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all
that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would
all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had
various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found
him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around.
So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of
God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both
legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you
KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in
a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, .....circumcision may not
have been the best way to start."

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Ollie vas vorking at da fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers.

He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ollie and said, "Okie dokie, let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."

Ollie said, "I haven't got da finkers."

"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lordy- it's 2013 and Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible surgery techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"

Ollie says........."How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?"

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Fred came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Fred .'

Fred was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Fred was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his
home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Fred the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. ' Don 't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Fred .

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....

" Fred , wake up! You've shit the bed!"

Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be!

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Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi


Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.


One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
She would take off her panties and use them.


Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.


She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
Proceeded to wipe with that.


After the girls did their business, they proceeded to
Go home.


The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over,
So he phoned the other husband and said:
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"


"That's nothing," said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.'"

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A middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on
their cell phones.? The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day
that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having
coffee with a friend.? She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.


If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking, send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears.

I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

I'm on the toilet.? Please advise.

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Scots or Greeks...

The wit of the Scots

A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbucks cafe discussing who had the

superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "well we Greeks built the Parthenon" and

arched his eyebrows.

The Scotsman replies, "well ... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and

Winter Solstices."

The Greek retorts, "we Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars."

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "the Greeks were the ones who invented sex!"

The Scotsman replies, "aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to


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The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced...
"The Coopers are having sex!"

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed.
Dad cautiously called out...
"How do you know they're having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
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An old man who worked at the same factory with me while I was in college liked to tell us that when he and his wife wanted some privacy, he would toss thirty or forty pennies, a couple dimes and a few nickels out in the grass and tell the kids to keep looking until they found the entire dollar's worth.

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Barbara Walters, an American TV journalist, years before the then Afghan conflict reported on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan. She noted women walking about five paces behind their husbands. She later returned to Kabul and saw the women still walked behind the men. Despite the overthrow of the Taliban regime, it appeared the women persevered with the same.

Walters asked one of the women: "Why do it if you are not happy with walking behind the men?" The woman looked Walters in the eyes and said:


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My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week.
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A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble.


He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.


So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc, but to no avail.


The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"


So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.


One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big.


Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.


Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.


The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.


The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?


"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.


"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"


"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."


The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.


When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"


The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."


The businessman said "ok" and off they went.


Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

Been a while since I read this one....utterly classic
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Life just gets better as you get older doesn't it.


I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to break wind. The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my efforts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me. It was then that I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my ipod.


This is what happens when old people start using technology.

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On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer Say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowploughs can get through."


So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through."


The good wife went out and moved her car again.


The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out.


The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, “don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"


Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,

"Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time."

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Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old car parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

Frank, a man of few words,stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.

He didn't explain, defend, or deny anything. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his car in front of Mildred's house, walked home and left it there all night.

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This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.

The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking.

With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a Frenchman, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a few glasses of single malt afterwards.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to an Alcotest and asks the Englishman if he knows why he has just been arrested.

With humour, the Englishman answers:

And do you know that this is a British car and that my wife is driving... on the right side???

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Old but Gold



·I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

·When chemists die, they barium.

·Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

·I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

·How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

·I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

·This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

·I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

·I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .

·At the hospital they told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

·A dyslexic man walks into a bra .

·PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

·Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

·Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory-- I hope there's no pop quiz.

·The Energizer bunny arrested and charged with battery.

·The old man didn't like his beard at first. Then it grew on him.

·Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

·When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

·What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

·I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

·Broken pencils are pointless.

·What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

·England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

·I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

·All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

·I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

·Velcro - what a rip off!

·Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

·Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

·Earthquake in Washington obviously the government's fault.

·I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

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Interesting Facts


It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!

Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years.

Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end.

If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.

Each year 2,000,000 smokers either quit smoking or die of tobacco-related diseases.

Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.

Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.

The song, Auld Lang Sine, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.

Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent.

Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450F.

The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.

Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.

The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man.

Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.

The University of Alaska spans four time zones.

The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.

In ancient Greece , tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.

Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

A comet's tail always points away from the sun.

The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.

Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.

The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.

If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.

When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.

In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.

Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.

Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.

The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.

The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.

Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.

Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy .

Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.

Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.

For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off.

The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.

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If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it rape or shoplifting?


How important does a person have to be before they're "assassinated" instead of "murdered"?


How is it we put a man on the moon before we worked out putting wheels on luggage?


If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


Why does someone believe you when you tell them there are 4 billion stars, but if you tell them paint is wet they'll touch it.


Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?


Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?


Whose idea idea was it to put an "S" in the word lisp?


Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?

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Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions
to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

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A Blonde goes to WalMart to buy curtains.


She says to the salesman, 'I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains'.


The salesman shows her several patterns then he asks her 'what size curtains do you need'?


She promptly replies, 'Seventeen inches'.


'Seventeen inches?' asked the salesman. 'That sounds very small, what room are they for !?'


The Blonde says, 'They aren't for a

room, they are for my new computer monitor'.

The surprised salesman replies, 'But Miss, computers do not need curtains'!


The Blonde says: 'Helloooooo .... mine has Windows.....!!!

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A man goes into a sex shop and asks for an inflatable doll.

The shop assistant says, 'Male or female?'

The customer says, 'Female.'

The shop assistant asks, 'Black or white?'

The customer replies, 'White.'

The shop assistant asks, 'Christian or Muslim?'

The customer replies, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'

The shop assistant says, 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'

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A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure, a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off.


When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him.


Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy, if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the cord is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker.


The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.


While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating.


Curious, the man asks, "What are they doing in there"?


The nurse responds, "They're preparing for vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross, and they have Obama Care."

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This really isn't a joke and is not funny. Actually very sad. Don't know where else to put it.


Devastating Liquor Store Shelf Collapse Caught on Camera



Something's fishy. Camera is jiggling around so not a regular security cam. Methinks someone sabotaged the shelves and wanted the u-tube hit?

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This really isn't a joke and is not funny. Actually very sad. Don't know where else to put it.


Devastating Liquor Store Shelf Collapse Caught on Camera



Something's fishy. Camera is jiggling around so not a regular security cam. Methinks someone sabotaged the shelves and wanted the u-tube hit?

The date on the top is wiggling as well. Filmed with a smartphone off the security cam screen because the guy did not know how to transfer the security video directly to youtube...

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The Pope was having a shower. Although he's very strict about celibacy, he

occasionally needed to exercise the Papal wrist, and this happened to be

one of those occasions.


Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a

picture of the Holy semen flying through the air.


"Hold on a minute!" said the Pope, “You can't do that - you'll destroy

the reputation of the Church!"...


"This is my lottery win", said the photographer, "I'll be financially

secure for life with these photos!"


So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and

after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of



The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera.

Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper.

Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said,

"That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did

it cost you?"


Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, "....two million Dollars..."


"TWO MILLION Dollars!" replied the housekeeper, "they must have seen

you coming!"

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A man settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever between them in the middle seat.


The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a ‘sniffing dog’.

‘His name is Sniffer and he’s the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.’


The plane took off and, once it had levelled out, the Policeman said ‘Watch this’. He told Sniffer to ‘search’.


Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman’s arm.

The Policeman said ‘Good boy’ and he turned to the man and said ‘That woman is in possession of marijuana. I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.


‘Gee, that’s pretty good,’ replied the first man.


Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The dog sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat and this time he placed two paws on the agent’s arm. The Policeman said, ‘That man is carrying cocaine, so again


I’m making a note of his seat number for the police.’


‘I like it!’, said his seat mate.


The Policeman then told Sniffer to ‘search’ again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to s**t all over the place.


The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the Policeman, ‘What’s going on?’


The Policeman nervously replied, ‘He just found a bomb!’

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Apologies if this has been psted before:


To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown
Savannah night before last.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry
jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you
pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our
lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.
I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather
important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your
embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your
pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The
evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a
reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely
from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan .. She had
just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 ..45 ACP pistol
for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for
it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very
intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to
wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it
was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your
shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you
from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you
had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of
what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well
as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your
credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons
and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside
Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet.
[That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink
"pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ..... after I broke
the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's
side of the car.

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening

phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while
mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a
nice long chat...

(I guess while he traced your number


In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not

killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far
more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish
you well as you try to sort through some of these rather
immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the
opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the
career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next
time you might not be so lucky.. Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi,


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In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.


Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.


Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.


For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.


About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'


The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

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A Hallowe'en Story


A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you."


She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."


"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."


She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."


The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"


"OK," the nun says. "pull into the next alley."


The nun fulfills his fantasy with a long, mushy kiss. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.


"My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"


"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish."


The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Hallowe'en party."

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A young Father has finally had enough of his son's wetting his pants, and takes him aside.

"Son", said the Father, "You are going to have to learn how to urinate properly, and no longer in your pants!"

The Father brings to boy back of the garage to show him the "proper" method.

"Okay, son, this is how it is done. One, unzip your fly. Two, take out your penis. Three, skin it back. Four, let go with the urine. Five, skin it up. Six, put it back in your pants. Seven, zip up your fly. Now you know the RIGHT way!"

The Father watches his son every day to see how well he is following his instructions. He notices the son going to the back of the garage about every few hours. He is very proud of his son, and decides to peek at him while he is "doing his thing" to see how well his instructions are being followed.

The next time the son heads for the garage, the Father follows. He peeks around the corner of the garage and hears his son: Three, Five, Three, Five, Three, Five..."

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One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

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Donating blood in Scotland


A wealthy Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose.


As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.


Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.


After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $50,000 dollars.


A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.


The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.


After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Black Magic chocolates.


The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.


He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW,diamonds and money ... but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates."


To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".

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My dad and grandfather installed a wall-to-wall carpet in a lady's home.


When finished, my dad noticed a lump beneath the carpet. Grandpa had dad bring a hammer


back in from the truck and grandpa took a few minutes pounding the lump down until the carpet


was flat. Leaving, as they had almost reached the truck, the lady came out and asked,


"Have you seen my parakeet?"

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A lady goes into a bar and sees a Gator fan with his feet propped up on a table...

He has the biggest boots she has ever seen. The woman asks the Gator fan is it true what they say about men with big feet?


The Gator fan says, "Sure is, why don't you come back to my place and let me prove it?"


The woman figures why not and spends the night with him. The next morning she hands the Gator fan a $100.00 bill. Blushing, he says, "I'm flattered, nobody has ever paid me for my services before."


To this the woman replies, "Well, don't be. Take this money and buy yourself some boots that fit."





Three SEC Football fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female, drunk and passed out.


Out of respect and propriety, the Tennessee fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Alabama fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Florida fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.


The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Tennessee cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Alabama cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Florida cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.


The Florida fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"


"Well," said the officer, "I am simply surprised; normally when I look under a Florida hat, I find an asshole."





Ode To Steve Spurrier


Mirror Mirror on the wall,

Who is the best Coach of all?


"Surely not Spurrier!"he mirror replied

Coach Bowden is who you want on your side.


I saw the mirror was right for many reasons,

Almost as many as great FSU football seasons.


0 and 5 in the kingdom of Doak,

In 96, 24-21, to the classic 94 choke.


His Heisman trphy doesn't equal wisdom,

As was shown by his record in Bowden's kingdom.


His childish antics and thrown visors will be missed,

We all know FSU dominating is what made him pissed.


With Bowden, He loved to start a fight,

It looked like an episode of Guiding Light.


Most recently, with the "Battle of Twisted Knee",

In battles like these, he's dropped to 0 and 3.


The Warchant led FSU to many, over Florida wins,

Ironically, Spurrier will be getting more of it with the Redskins.


Bowden praises his "boys" efforts whether they won or lost,

Though Spurrier emphasizes a win at any cost.


If you dont win, Spurrier is no longer a friend,

A different message than Bowden he does send.

Bowden is the opitomy of integrity and charachter,

Spurrier the complete opposite, a bonafied loser.


Now in the pros, a smart move on Spurrier's behalf,

Another loss to the Noles was comin and he didn't want the NFL to laugh.


With the abundance of talent going to the pros,

He knew he didn't have much to work with, but thats how it goes.


Spurrier leaving his team when the need him the most shows,

What all Seminole fans all ready know, which is he blows.


Bowden on the other hand is a friend to the end of time,

Now more than ever he and his boys are in their prime.


So mirror mirror on the wall, thanks for showing me the way,

The way of the Seminoles, who will always be here to stay!!!





You might be a Gator if...

You ever cut your grass and found a car.

You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.

You own four cars and no hubcaps.

Your idea of a great Christmas present is a gift certificate to the local bail bondsman

Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.

Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.

You burn your yard rather than mow it.

Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."

You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in."

You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.

Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.

Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language.

Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home with the kids."

Birds are attracted to your beard.

Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.

You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.

You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.

You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberatley.

You've ever given rat traps as gifts.

You clean your fingernails with a stick.

Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.

You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.

You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.

You've totaled every car you've ever owned.

There are more than five McDonald's bags currently in the floorboard of your car.

The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.

There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.

You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.

Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."

The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.

You've ever bought a used cap.

Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.

You pick your teeth from a catalog.

You've ever financed a tatoo.

You've ever stolen toilet paper.

People hear your car a long time before they see it.

The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

You prefer car keys to Q-tips.

You take a fishing pole into Sea World.

You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.

You think the French Riviera is foreign car.

You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.

You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.

You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before telling the state trooper to kiss her ass.

Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.

You own a denim leisure suit.

Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.

Your family tree does not fork.

You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.

You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your arm.

You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.

You've ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, "For a good time call...."

You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.

Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.

You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while your at work.

After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer bottles.

Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.

All of your four letter words are two syllables.

You've ever been too drunk to fish.

You cut your toenails in front of company.

You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.

Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.

You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.

Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

You can spit without opening your mouth.

You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

You call your boss "dude".

You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

You have grease under your toenails.

You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

You've ever cleaned fish in your living room.

You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.

You've ever had sex with your buddy's wife in a Waffle House restroom after a UF home game.






If you have a car containing a Gator wide receiver, a Gator linebacker, and a Gator defensive back, who is driving the car?

The cop.




A poor farmer wants his son to go to his alma mater. The son is in his rebellious stage and wants to go to the best school possible and insists on going to Florida State. The poor farmer calls his alma mater and complains about his problem. A University of Florida scientist gets on the phone and tells the farmer that he is in luck as they have created a machine that will help the University of Florida recruit more college students. "See, we created this machine that will just suck the intelligence out of them", says the scientist. After the son insists for the last time on attending Florida State, the poor farmer hits him on the head, ties a rope around him and throws him in the car. Once the son is firmly secured in the machine the scientist asks him "The lanthanides and actinides are in what block of the periodic table?" The son answers, "The S block." The scientist reaches for a dial marked from one to 10 and turns it up to 5. Electricity sparks through the son, before the scientist turns it off. "Who created the theory of relativity?" The son replied, "Einstein". The scientist cranked the knob up to 7 and left it on until smoke started coming out of the son's ears. "What is two plus two?" The son drooled, "Four". The scientist said, "Damn, still too smart." and turned the knob up to 9. After a minute had passed, the scientist reached for the dial to turn the machine off when the poor farmer walked by with a "Girls of the ACC" magazine. Excited, the scientist accidentally turned the dial past 10 and snapped the knob off. After 10 minutes of frantic calls by the scientist, the overall power is turned off. The poor farmer rushes to his son's blackened body and cries, "Please, son, say anything, please!!!" The son's lips tremble and the poor farmer can hear the son softly moan, "Go Gators."







A Florida State biology student is in the morge preparing to preform an autopsy. He rolls the body over and prepares to start when he notices a cork stuffed into the cadaver's anus. He removes the cork and is startled to hear the University of Florida fight song. He puts the cork back, runs down the hall to his professor and says, "You have to come see this! Quick!" to which the professor responds, "This better be important. I'm very busy." The student leads him to the body and takes out the cork. The professor says,"Big deal, I've heard thousands of assholes sing that song!"


A Gator and a Nole are both taking a leak at the urinals in the men's restroom. The Nole shakes it off, zips it up and heads for the door while the Gator says, "Aren't you going to wash your hands?" To which the Nole replies, "No, why?"

Gator: "At The University of Florida, they taught us to wash our hands after using the restroom."

Nole: "At Florida State, they taught us not to piss on our hands!"







Two boys from Alabama were playing sandlot football, when one of the boys was attacked by a rabid dog. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board from a nearby fence, wedges it under the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck, thereby saving his friends life. A Birmingham television reporter hears of the courageous act and rushes over to interview the boy.

"YOUNG AUBURN FAN SAVES FRIEND FROM VICIOUS ANIMAL" he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not an Auburn fan," the little hero replies.

"Sorry," said the reporter, "since we are in Alabama

and you were wearing blue and orange, I just assumed

you were." He starts writing again.


"But I'm not an Alabama fan either," the boy responds.

"I assumed that everyone in the state of Alabama!

was either an Auburn or Alabama fan. Who do you root

for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Florida Gator fan," the boy replied.

The reporter starts with a clean sheet of paper from

his notebook and scribbles:



"My best friend went to UF and did a summer term in Tallahassee to spend the

summer with me. So she'd walk around campus with her gator key chain, drive

around in her car with the gator license plate and decals, wear her gator

shirts. "One day she was talking to a group of us and got really upset. She

complained, 'I'm going around with all my gator stuff, and people here keep

looking at me weird! "One of my friends goes, 'Oh, sweetie, get used to it. No matter where you are, that's going to happen to you for the rest of your life!'"









Spurrier abruptly resigned from Florida


Top ten reasons he resigned:


10. He was just sick and tired of losing to Bobby Bowden in Tallahassee and wasnt going to go through the pain again next season.

9. He finally realized how ridiculous people look wearing blue and orange.

8. He never liked the smell of "Hogtown".

7. He was banned from all the golf courses in Florida for "Foul play".

6. The coach in Tallahassee was so "good" it made him seem "evil".

5. Not enough boogers to go around in Gainesville.

4. Theres more to do in Washington D.C. than "cow tipping".

3. His favorite colors are really garnet and gold.

2. Hes hoping to have "power struggle"with President Bush.


The #1 reason for resigning:


Florida State hurt his feelings.


Why did the Gator cross the road?


Because it's easier than crossing the goal line?


What is the difference between Cheerios and the Gators?

Cheerios belong in a bowl!


What is the difference between Steve Spurrier and God?


God doesn't think he is Steve Spurrier.


Why does spurrier wear the visor?

To hide the circumcision marks.


Why can't Steve Spurrier go on the internet?

He can't put 3 w's together.

How do you keep a Gator out of your front yard?

Put a goal post up!

How many Gators does it take to change a flat tire?

Just one...unless it's a blowout, then they all show up!

What do you get when you cross a Gator with a groundhog?

Six more weeks of bad football.

If you have a car containing a Gator wide receiver, a Gator linebacker, and a Gator defensive back, who is driving the car?







The cop.

What's the difference between a Gator and a bucket of manure?

The bucket.

What's the best thing to come out of Gainesville?


Why did the Gator grad get fired from the M&M factory?

He was throwing away too many W's.

How many Gators does it take to tackle Chris Weinke?

Good question, no one knows.

What did the UF graduate say to the FSU graduate?

"You want fries with that?"

Why is UF changing their mascot to the possum?

Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

How do you sell out a UF home game?

Invite the Florida State Seminoles!

What should you do if you find three Gators buried up to their necks in cement?

Get more cement!

Good uses for a UF diploma:

1. Toilet paper

2. Proof of need for handicapped parking sticker

3. Crying towel

4. Proof of need for welfare

How many Gators does it take to tackle Charlie Ward?

I don't know, but it's more than eleven!






A guy is in a bar with his dog, watching the Florida State vs. Uf game. The gators surprisingly manage to get a field goal and the dog barks repeatedly. The bartender looks at the dog in awe. After a while the gators score a touchdown and the dog does flips and dances across the bar. Then, the bartender looks at the guy and says, "Man, that's amazing. What does your dog do when UF beats the Noles?" The guy replied, "I dunno, I've only had him 3 years."

What do you call an UF grad wearing a suit and tie?

The defendant!

What does the average UF student get on their SAT's?


Why did Forrest Gump choose 'Bama over UF?

He wanted an academic challenge!



A FSU grad, a Miami grad, and a Florida grad are waiting to be executed by firing squad. The FSU grad is first, and as he is waiting to be executed, he yells, "Earthquake!" The firing squad panics and runs away, allowing the FSU grad to jump over the wall and escape. The Miami grad is next, and

as he is waiting to be executed, he yells, "Flood!" The firing squad again panics and runs away, so the Miami grad also jumps over the wall and escapes. The Florida grad is last. As he is waiting to be executed, he remembers what the FSU and Miami grads had done, so he yells, "Fire!"



What do a FSU student and a UF student have in common?

They were both accepted to UF.



There was an UF grad who bought a horse from a minister. The minister said, "Say 'Praise the Lord' to make him go, and 'Amen' to make him stop." The UF grad took the horse and left. They were galloping at quite a fast pace when they suddenly approached a cliff. The Gator forgot what to do, and kept on yelling, "Stop! Stop!" until he finally remembered. He then yelled "Amen," and the horse stopped. Seeing that they were saved and only a few inches away from the cliff, the Gator was rejoiced and yelled, "Praise the Lord!"



What do tornadoes and UF grads have in common?

They both always end up in trailer parks!



A man walks into a store and says, "I would like a orange hat, blue pants, green sweater, and white shoes." The clerk says, "Are you a Gator fan?" "Yes," replies the man, "How did you guess--by the color combination?" "No," answers the clerk, "because this is a hardware store."



There was a couple who were getting divorced, so the judge said to the child, "Who do you want to live with? Do you want to live with your Dad?" "No," said the child, "he beats me." "Do you want to live with your Mom?" "No, she beats me too." "Well who do you want to live with?" "I want to live with a Gator Fan." Confused, the judge asked, "Why?" The child replied, "Because they never beat anybody that's good!"



One day in a bus station, one man approached another and said, "I bet your from the University of Florida." "Why yes I am" answered the other. "How could you tell, was it my good looks, my debonair charm, my taste in clothing?" "No," replied the first, "I saw your class ring as you were picking your nose."



There's a guy from UF driving from Gainesville to Tallahassee, and a guy from FSU driving from

Tallahassee to Gainesville.

In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road, they hit each other head on and both cars

go flying off in different directions.

The Gator manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and

says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!!!"

Likewise, the Nole scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, "I

can't believe I survived this wreck!"

The Gator walks over to the Nole and says, "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals."

The Nole thinks for a momment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm going to see what else survived this wreck."

So the Nole pops open his trunk and finds a full unopened bottle of Jack Daniels. He says to the

Gator, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding

and friendship."

The Gator says, "You're right!", and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels.

After putting away nearly half the bottle the Gator hands it back to the Nole and says, "Your turn!"

The Nole twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show




Did you hear about the big power outage at the UF student union?

Forty Gators were stuck on the escalator for 3 hours.

Why couldn't UF have a nativity scene this past Christmas?

They couldn't find three wise men.

What is the difference between a Gator fan's car and a Porcupine?

The Porcupine has the pricks on the outside.



Three students went to the Olympics in Atlanta. One was a Nole, one was a cane and one was a

gator. They had almost no money to start with so by the time they got to Atlanta they had no money

for tickets to the events. The Seminole put a pair of sneakers around his neck, went up to the

basketball venue and said "Johnson, Florida State University, basketball." The security guard let him

in. The cane got the message. He put a pair of track shoes around his neck, went up to the track

venue and said "Smith, University of Miami, track." The security guard let him in. The gator thought

he had it. He saw a roll of barb wire by the side of the road, picked it up and threw it over his

shoulder. He went up to the nearest venue and said "Miller, University of Florida, fencing."



Top 10 Classes at UF.

1) Philosophy: Why Don't They Spell It with an "F" ?

2) Pre-Law Seminar: Age of Consent in 50 States

3) Sandwich Making: A Project Course

4) Hand-Shadow Workshop

5) Subtraction: Addition's Tricky Friend

6) Cliff's Notes vs. Monarch Notes: 2 Views of the Classics

7) Hooked on Phonics

8) The College Classroom: A Simulation

9) ABC's: An Extended Version

10) Literature: Coloring inside the lines



They've hired a new waitress at the coffee shop on north Monroe. She's a robot. A man walked in

and she greeted him at the door. Dinner for one? Yes he replied. She said, tell me sir, what is your

IQ? 150 he said. So they talked for a few minutes about global current events. She said excuse me

for a minute as another man came in. Dinner for one? Yes the man replied. Tell me she said, what is

your IQ? The man said 120. So they sat for a few minutes talking about the possibility of a comet

striking the earth and other natural disasters. Another man came in the restaurant and she greeting

him at the door. Dinner for one she asks? Yes, replied the man. If you don't mind sir, would you tell

me your IQ? 50 the man said. To which the robot replied, GO Gators!



If you have one gun with two bullets, and Steve Spurrier, Hussein, and Castro in a room, what do you do?

Shoot Spurrier twice to make sure the jerk is dead.

What is the difference between Steve Spurrier and a litter of puppies?

Eventually, the puppies will grow up and stop whining.



A woman wants a sophisticated sports car, saved and saved and scrimped and after 5 years she finally had enough money and credit to purchase this special car. So, she buys the car with all the fancy gear and takes it out for a ride, but with all the buttons she can't find the radio controls. She pushes every button on the console but....no luck.

So she goes back to the dealership and complains about there being no radio, and the salesman

says: on a car like this, the radio has to be very very special....in fact, it is voice activated. Girl asks:

how do you get it to work? Salesman says: Radio on: And from a hidden speaker the radio comes

on and says what station? Sales guy says: Rock music: Right there the radio plays Rolling Stones

record from WKGR; Guy says: County music: Right there the radio plays Garth Brooks on

WIRK;Guy says: Alternative: Radio plays Nirvana from WBZ.

The girl is ecstatic. Takes the car out. Says: Oldies: On comes WBCH

and Bachman Tuner Overdrive.

Just then, a car cuts in front of the girl, causes her to screech to a halt. She says: Idiot! From the

radio: Welcome to the Steve Spurrier Show.



What are the toughest 6 years in a Gator's life?

3rd grade.

What do you call a Gator with half a brain?


What job do they assign Gators at the M&M factory?


How many UF freshmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

Zero, it is a sophomore course.



Steve Spurrier's greatest inventions:

1. Solar powered flashlight

2. Water-proof towel

3. A book on "How-To-Read"

4. Inflatable dart board



Why don't Gators use 911 in an emergency?

They can't find 11 on the dial.

Did you hear about the Gators found frozen in a car at the drive-in movie in January?

They went to see "Closed for Winter".

What do you call 12 Gators in a basement?

A "Whine" Cellar



Four alumni were climbing a mountain one day. Each was from a different Florida school and each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans. As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all.

They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top, the Miami grad hurled himself off the mountain, shouting, "This is for Miami! Go Canes!" as he fell to his doom.

Not wanting to be outdone, the UCF grad threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, "This is for Cental Florida! Let's Go Knights!"

Seeing this, the Florida State grad walked over and shouted, "This is for everyone!" and pushed the Gator off the side of the mountain.



Why do UF grads hang their diplomas in the rear windows of their cars?

So they can park in "handicapped" spaces.

How do you get a UF graduate off your front porch?

Pay him for the pizza!!!!



A guy walks into a bar and says, "Hey barkeep- did you ever hear the one about the Florida Gators?"

Four huge men stand up and approach the man. One of them says, "We play football at UF- you sure you wanna tell that joke?" The guy replies, "What? and have to explain it four times?"



What is the difference between a Gator and Rice Crispies?

Rice Crispies know what to do in a bowl.

Where was O.J. hiding right before the famous white Bronco Chase?

On the UF campus, because that's the last place you'll find a football player.

What's the difference between a Gator and a dollar bill?

You only get three quarters out of a Gator.



After Steve Spurrier dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on a tour. He shows Steve a

little two-bedroom house with a faded UF banner hanging from the front porch.

"This is your house, coach. Most people don't get their own houses up here," God says.

Steve looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on top of the hill...

It's a huge two-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all the windows.

FSU flags line both sides of the sidewalk and a huge FSU Seminole banner hangs between the

marble columns.

"Thanks for the house, God. But let me ask you a question.

I get this little two-bedroom house with a faded banner and Bobby Bowden gets a mansion with

new FSU Seminole banners and flags flying all over the place. Why is that?"

God looks at him seriously for a moment. God says. "That's not Bobby's house, that's mine."

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1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The Stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'


2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'


3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.


4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'


5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.


6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. But why they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'


7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'


8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God. A rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.


9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is SO BAD, it's good) a super calloused, fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


10. And, finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.



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How to clean a toilet


This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you

1. Put both lids of the toilet up

And add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.

You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.

Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times.

This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home.

Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,

And run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling


The Dog

Attached Images


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Two friends are hiking through the desert when suddenly a rattlesnake jumps out and bites the first one right on his manhood.

Falling in pain, the hiker says to his friend, This venom is fatal. Quick, run back to the nearest town and get a doctor.

The friend runs back to a nearby town and finds the town doctor and explains his friends plight.

The doctor says, Well, it’s not too late for him. You just have to suck the venom from the wound and spit it out.

The friend runs back to his stricken friend, who asks, What did the doctor say?

The second friend says, He said you’re going to die.

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I wrote two articles about the names some famous, or not so famous folks I've run into sailing through the years -




Is it me or has everyone else missed the punch line in this one?

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David Beckham gets into a London taxi and he sees the driver looking at him in the rear-view mirror.

After about 5 minutes the driver says "OK give me a clue".

Beckham says "I had a glittering career at Manchester United, played in the USA and got over 100 caps for England, is that enough?".

The driver says: "No you thick clod, where do you want to go?"

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1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female...... Any part under a car's hood.

Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

Male..... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.

Female..... A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female.... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.

Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

A farmer drove to a neighbour's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mum home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to Canterbury" said the boy.
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" asked the farmer.
"No, he went with Mum and Dad" the boy answered.

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message" said the boy.
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment...

"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

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Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party...

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.
He started working at a successful company at the bottom of
the barrel.

He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the
president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy.. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot.

Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he
owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his
best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire...

He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his
best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked:
'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons...

What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living
dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... What a

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son
and I love him.

And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

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Today's Explanation

Someone has finally explained the reason baby diapers have brand names such as ‘Luvs’ and ‘Huggies,’ while undergarments for old people are called ‘Depends:

You see, when babies crap their pants, people are still gonna Luv ‘em and Hug ‘em.

However, when old people crap their pants, it ‘Dependson who's in the will.

Glad to get that straightened out.

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"Twenty bucks," she whispered.

Yoseph had never been with a hooker , but he thought, "What the hell!? it's only twenty bucks."

So they hid in the bushes and started going at it.


Suddenly a police officer shines his flashlight on the couple and asks, "What's going on here people? "


Yoseph answers, sounding quite annoyed "I'm making love to my wife."

"Oh! I'm sorry!" says the cop, "I didn't 't know."


"Well..." Says Yoseph, " I didn't know either till you shined the damned flashlight on her . "

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Penis Study


The American government funded a study to see why the head of a man's

Penis was wider than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they

concluded that the reason that the head was wider than the shaft was

to give the man more pleasure during sex.


After the U.S. published the study, the French decided to do their

own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that

the reason the head was wider than the shaft was to give the woman

more pleasure during sex.


Canadians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study.

After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46 and 2 cases of beer, they

concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting

himself in the forehead.

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On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.


A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.


The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out.


The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?"


Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,


"Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time."

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Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on
I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks
through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk
her down off the railing, and says,

"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss
this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before you jump,
Honey-Babe... why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just
that... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by
another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from
his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent
you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why
the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

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I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me,

an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .


She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla for yen.


Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"


The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."


The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

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Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up

my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every

function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.

It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.

She looked deep & steady and I

heard her slowly say, 'You may not feel anything from the waist down.'



I managed to mumble in reply, 'Can I feel your tits, then?'

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The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'

Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'

Don't ever underestimate old guys .
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