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Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on UK television with British TV host Anne Diamond.

He used the word "manyana" (pronounced "man -yana").

Diamond asked him to explain what it meant.

He said that the term means:

"Maybe the job will be done tomorrow;

Maybe the next day;

Maybe the day after that;

Or perhaps next week;

Next month;

Next year.

Who really cares?"

The host turned to Albert Yatapingu from the Gumbaingeri Tribe (aboriginal) who was also on the show.

She asked him if there was an equivalent term in his native language.

"Eh" he replied, "In Australia we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency."

 

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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for th

One sunny day in late January 2021, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,

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Lost Wife

 

A husband went to the police station to report his wife missing:

Husband : - Ive lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.

Sergeant : - What is her height ?

Husband: - I really never noticed.

Sergeant : - Build?

Husband: - Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant : - Color of eyes?

Husband : - Never noticed.

Sergeant : - Color of hair?

Husband : - Changes according to season.

Sergeant : - What was she wearing?

Husband: Dress/suit/ I dont remember exactly.

Sergeant : Did she go in a car?

Husband : - yes.

Sergeant : - What kind of car was it?

Husband : - Black Audi A8 with super charged 3.0 liter V6 engine generating 333 horse power with an eight-speed triptonic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.. at this point the husband started crying...

Sergeant: - Don't worry sir.......We will find your car.

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A true story but funny nonetheless.

 

A friend of mine works in office close to an undertaker's premises and he uses their staff car park. One morning during a mild winter, he's walking from his car in company with the owner of the undertaker firm and by way of conversation asks how business is.

 

The undertaker replies, with a straight face,

 

"Not great, we could do with a decent cold snap."

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  • 3 weeks later...

When you are over sixty who gives a shit............

This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"

I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

 

***********

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

 

***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

 

***********

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

 

***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "some may be repeats but who has time to look through 45 pages?

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a guy sees a lovey lady at a bar and starts up a conversation. He asks her her name and she replies "Carmen". he says, "Carmen, nice name. Are you of Spanish decent??" "No." she replies, "I gave myself that name. It's a combination of the two things i love the most. Cars and Men." "oh" replies the man. "My name is John Titsandbeer "

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Bob and Rose are on vacation in Jamaica, and they are having a great time.

One night, at the restaurant, Bob excuses himself and goes to the restroom.

A big tall Jamaican comes to the urinal next to him.

Without malicious intentions, Bob glances at him and notice that his neighbor has a tattoo on his sex.

 

Bob is intrigued; he has a tattoo as well on his sex! Curiosity takes over and he has to ask the Jamaican.

 

"I hope you do not mind, but I just noticed that you had a tattoo on your sex... and I do too!

You see, mine reads "RE", but actually, when I am in full erection, it reads the name of my wife,

 

ROSE

 

I saw that yours was "WY", I bet it is the name of your girlfriend or your wife...

Don't tell me! Don't tell me, let me guess.....

WENDY?"

 

"Oh no, mine was paid for by the Jamaican Tourism Office."

 

"Jamaican Tourism Office???" asked Bob.

 

"Yes! And when I have an erection, it reads:

WELCOME TO JAMAICA AND HAVE A NICE HOLIDAY

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Am no sure if our sceptic bruthers will git thees. Tha needs ta understand thee ax sent. Especially wit 18 carat.

 

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
.............................................................................
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"
.............................................................................
The last is always best
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

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  • 2 weeks later...

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

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MISSING WIFE
A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:
Husband :-I lost my wife, she went shopping & hasn't come back yet.
Inspector :-What is her height?
Husband :-I never checked.
Inspector :-Slim or healthy?.
Husband :-Not slim, can be healthy.
Inspector :-Colour of eyes?
Husband :-Never noticed.
Inspector :-Colour of hair?
Husband :-Changes according to season.
Inspector :-What was she wearing?
Husband :-Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.
Inspector :-Was she driving?
Husband :-yes.
Inspector :-colour of the car? . . . . .
Husband :-black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door......................and then the husband started crying...
Inspector:-Don't worry sir,.....We will find your car.

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Pretty sure I've seen this one here before, but just in case

 

“A small boy asks his Dad, "Daddy, what is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit.”

 

What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians?

One hundred people who don't do dick.

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Holy shit! I just realised that the S A Joke thread is actually older than Facebook!

 

And probably a better read too. Thanks for nothing Mr Fuckerberg, you owe me a whole lotta time.

 

And what ever happened to the O/P "JOD"? - haven't seen anything from him here for a loooong time

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That look says " I'll never live long enough to work long enough to pay for 4 college educations _and_ 4 weddings. Doubt he'll have any trouble marrying them off - very attractive family.

 

the look on that guy's face..

 

1394591019473161.jpg

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So the Germans decided to make football more palatable to USA residents by scoring a touchdown against 11 Brazillion defenders. The Home team kept trying to play soccer

 

Meanwhile, folks all over the USA were fascinated anyone could scorecard touchdown against those 11 Brazillion defenders. How many are cygnets in a Brazillion anyway??

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Wife looks quite fukable though

She is a ginger. You don't want to go there.

 

 

 

 

 

Well, maybe once or twice.

 

 

 

But use a fake ID and leave town after.

if you are that afraid of a ginger then you should get in one more. They are always fun. just very emotional. Riding the waves of their emotions is like sailing down wind in swells. You just have to keep your eyes up and pray you don't broach.

 

besides that man deserves free beer. look at that family. damn.

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Wife looks quite fukable though

She is a ginger. You don't want to go there.

 

 

 

 

 

Well, maybe once or twice.

 

 

 

But use a fake ID and leave town after.

if you are that afraid of a ginger then you should get in one more. They are always fun. just very emotional. Riding the waves of their emotions is like sailing down wind in swells. You just have to keep your eyes up and pray you don't broach.

 

besides that man deserves free beer. look at that family. damn.

He does deserve several beers.

 

As to gingers. Been there. Done that. Not without drama and offers to join me overnight after I dropped off the lady I was with that night and then stalking me for a few months, including 4:00 AM calls. As you say, always fun but watch that broach!

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As to gingers. Been there. Done that. Not without drama and offers to join me overnight after I dropped off the lady I was with that night and then stalking me for a few months, including 4:00 AM calls. As you say, always fun but watch that broach BITCH!

Fixed. Damn skank showed up on our doorstep Sunday afternoon. Jeeze, crazy doesn't begin to describe her then and now.

 

TOG

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A policeman spots a black guy dancing on the roof of a car.

He radios for backup, saying... "I've got a darkie dancing on a Volkswagen."



"You shouldn't say that over the radio." replies the operator. "You have to use politically correct terminology.”



"OK" he says, "Zulu.... Tango.... Golf...."

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  • 2 weeks later...

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'You can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?

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Sensitivity test for men

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss NFL Insider.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play..
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7.. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. I hope we can still be friends.
B. I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.
C. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU.

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

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There’s three blokes at a BA meeting - Bestiality Anonymous

The group leader asked the first bloke, “how’s it been going Bob?

Bob replies” I’m going well, as you know I had a fetish with goats, I haven’t had sex with a goat for six months.

That’s very good says the group leader.

“OK what about you Trevor?”

NZer Trevor replied “Going really well, He bru, I haven’t had the urge to have 'six' with a 'ship' for 12 months.

“Fantastic Trevor.”

“And Dan how are you going….”

Dan looks real happy with himself.

He said well since our last meeting I’ve been f***ing that frozen bird every night. And it seems to be going well.

The other blokes are all shocked.

The group leader said "Oh no Dan, that’s terrible, what happened?"

Dan said, "It’s not my fault, you’re the one at the last meeting who told me to try cold turkey."

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A man who had always had a fear of someone being under his bed at night went to a psychiatrist. He tells the shrink, “I've got a problem; every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared and I think I'm going crazy.”
“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink. “Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
“Eighty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.
“I'll sleep on it,” the man said.
Six months later, the psychiatrist met the man on the street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.
“Well, eighty dollars a visit three times a week for a year is $12,480. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new car.”
“Is that so?” said the shrink, with a bit of an attitude. “And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.”

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A man who had always had a fear of someone being under his bed at night went to a psychiatrist. He tells the shrink, “I've got a problem; every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared and I think I'm going crazy.”

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink. “Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”

“How much do you charge?”

“Eighty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.

“I'll sleep on it,” the man said.

Six months later, the psychiatrist met the man on the street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.

“Well, eighty dollars a visit three times a week for a year is $12,480. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new car.”

“Is that so?” said the shrink, with a bit of an attitude. “And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.”

The psychiatrist replied, "Well that's fine for home, but what happens when you sleep at a hotel or at your girlfriends house?"

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And

 

 

A man who had always had a fear of someone being under his bed at night went to a psychiatrist. He tells the shrink, “I've got a problem; every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared and I think I'm going crazy.”
“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink. “Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
“Eighty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.
“I'll sleep on it,” the man said.
Six months later, the psychiatrist met the man on the street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.
“Well, eighty dollars a visit three times a week for a year is $12,480. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new car.”
“Is that so?” said the shrink, with a bit of an attitude. “And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.”

The psychiatrist replied, "Well that's fine for home, but what happens when you sleep at a hotel or at your girlfriends house?"

And his reply was: " I never travel without a saw these days!"

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  • 2 weeks later...

Didja hear about the new standard feature on Chevy pickups? Heated bumpers

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So your hands don't get cold when you have to push in the winter

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Didja hear about the new standard feature on Chevy pickups? Heated bumpers

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So your hands don't get cold when you have to push in the winter

 

Why would you reach down to the bumper? Why not push on the rear screen and use the rear window demister to keep your hands warm like they do with Lada's?

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Bride looks like she will never ever ever again have anything to do with her now former BFF's.

 

(Nice rack on the far right!)

 

The rack under the reading glasses is not bad either.....

the one in front of her is the one who will give you the time to remember.

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Bride looks like she will never ever ever again have anything to do with her now former BFF's.

 

(Nice rack on the far right!)

 

The rack under the reading glasses is not bad either.....

the one in front of her is the one who will give you the time to remember.

woud haft to saye yes....... :)

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Bride looks like she will never ever ever again have anything to do with her now former BFF's.

 

(Nice rack on the far right!)

 

The rack under the reading glasses is not bad either.....

the one in front of her is the one who will give you the time to remember.

they look like twins to me.

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

Murphy, the Newfie, drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.

He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls buttered side down.

So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.

He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen.

But he won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.

He leads Fr.Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."

"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy

"Oh my Lord," says Fr. Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a mir…."

"But wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round; to interview you, take photos, etc.."

A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome . No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much needed tourism revenue.

Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.

"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen in Newfoundland , quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out.

Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared "No Miracle" because they think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!

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You are going to have to do more than post a YouTube link. I've sworn off clicking void-ho bombs.

Not VOID HO but also not worth it. A Conan clip. Meh

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Two North Dakota people walk into a pet shop in Fargo.
They head to the bird section and Sven says to Hans,
"Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can
help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little
budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven. The owner
puts the budgies in a paper bag.

Hans and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop and
get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of the
Conor Pass. At the Conor Pass, Sven looks down at the
1000-foot drop and says: "Dis looks like a grand
place."

He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his
shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Hans watches as
Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself
stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Hans
shakes his head and says: "Dis budgie jumping is too
dangerous for me."

BUT WAIT!!!! there's MORE!

PART TWO:

Moments later Ole arrives up at Conor Pass. He's been
to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the
cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a
shotgun in the other. "Hi, Hans. Watch dis," Ole says.
He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over
the edge of the cliff. Hans watches as half way down,
Ole takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Ole continues
to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and
breaks every bone in his body.

Hans shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying
dat parrotshooting either."

BUT WAIT!!!!.....There's MORE!!

PART THREE:

Hans is just getting over the shock of losing two
friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet
shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls
a chicken. Lars then grasps the chicken by the legs
holds it over his head and hurls himself off the cliff
and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and
breaks his spine.

Once more Hans shakes his head - "First der was Sven
with his budgie jumping, den Ole parrotshooting ......
and now Lars is hengliding....."

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Two North Dakota people walk into a pet shop in Fargo.

They head to the bird section and Sven says to Hans,

"Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can

help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little

budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven. The owner

puts the budgies in a paper bag.

Hans and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop and

get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of the

Conor Pass. At the Conor Pass, Sven looks down at the

1000-foot drop and says: "Dis looks like a grand

place."

He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his

shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Hans watches as

Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself

stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Hans

shakes his head and says: "Dis budgie jumping is too

dangerous for me."

BUT WAIT!!!! there's MORE!

PART TWO:

Moments later Ole arrives up at Conor Pass. He's been

to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the

cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a

shotgun in the other. "Hi, Hans. Watch dis," Ole says.

He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over

the edge of the cliff. Hans watches as half way down,

Ole takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Ole continues

to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and

breaks every bone in his body.

Hans shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying

dat parrotshooting either."

BUT WAIT!!!!.....There's MORE!!

PART THREE:

Hans is just getting over the shock of losing two

friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet

shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls

a chicken. Lars then grasps the chicken by the legs

holds it over his head and hurls himself off the cliff

and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and

breaks his spine.

Once more Hans shakes his head - "First der was Sven

with his budgie jumping, den Ole parrotshooting ......

and now Lars is hengliding....."

 

That was pretty foul.

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In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine .

In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

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Three bulls are standing around overlooking a field full of cows when they overhear the farmer tell one of the cowhands to get the trailer ready to pick up a new bull. The old bull snorts and says, "I'm a tellin' ya what, there ain't but fifty cows here that are mine and if'n that new bull thinks he's a gettin' any of my cows, well, he's got another think comin'."

The second bull says, "There ain't but 30 cows here that are mine and that new bull sure ain't get any of my cows."

The young bull says, "There ain't but 10 cows here that even know me, but I sure ain't lettin' that new bull have any of 'em."

A few hours later a tractor trailer arrives and the bulls listen as the air brakes let out a whoosh, then the trailer doors open and and the gate lowers what has to be the biggest, meanest, orneriest looking brahma bull they've ever seen. Great big hump on his back, huge horns, froth dripping from his jowls as he stamps and paws at the ground.

The old bull says, "Ya know, I've been thinkin, it's mighty selfish of me to keep all them cows for myself, I might just part with a few of 'em to be neighborly."

The second bull says, "Ya know, I'm thinkin the same thing, no need for me to keep all thirty of them cows to myself, gets to be a mite tiresome."

The young bull lets out a huge snort and starts stamping and pawin' at the ground, raisin' a huge ruckus.

The old bull says, "Woo boy, what's a matter with you? Don't you know that new bull will kill you?"

The young bull says, "I'm just makin' sure that he knows that I'm a bull..."

Jerry Clower

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An Irishman's First Drink With His Son


I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first drink. Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house. I got him a Miller Genuine. He didn't like it – so I drank it. Then I got him an Old Style, he didn't like it either, so I drank it. It was the same with the Coors and the Bud. By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey I could hardly push the stroller back home.

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An Irishman's First Drink With His Son

 

 

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first drink. Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house. I got him a Miller Genuine. He didn't like it – so I drank it. Then I got him an Old Style, he didn't like it either, so I drank it. It was the same with the Coors and the Bud. By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey I could hardly push the stroller back home.

Point of information - no self-respecting Irishman starts his son with those brands. Maybe that's why the kid didn't like them...

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  • 2 weeks later...

As I have grown older:

I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex any more…..

a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

Lance Armstrong

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong,especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs.When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.

Drive By

A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the remote.Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick bastard!

The Agony of Aging

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend.He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".

VIDEO SCAM

Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".Turns out it's all about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophiliac, a zoophiliac and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.


"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophiliac.


"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it?" says the sadist.


"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it?" shouted the murderer.


"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again?" said the necrophiliac.


"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it?" said the pyromaniac.


There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow."


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BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'

The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

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Medical school or Pilot training????

When I was young I decided to go to Medical School.

At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who said SPINE are doctors today.

The rest of us are retired pilots sending jokes by email….

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a huge fancy chrome plate. He asks the waiter, "What's with the fancy plate?" The waiter replies, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

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An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communications with a small twin engine aircraft.

A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.


The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled

"Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone

out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial

memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and travelling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!"


The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately.

"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we will guide you down after a few questions.

The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!".


He began his series of questions.


Tower: "How do you know you are travelling at 18,000 feet??"


Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the dials in front of me".


Tower: "Okay, that is good, remain calm. How do you know you are travelling at 180 mph??"


Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the dials in front of me".


Tower: Okay, that is good. How do you know you're flying upside down??"


Aircraft: "Because the shit in my pants is sliding out of my collar."

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