Jump to content

Recommended Posts

  • Replies 7.8k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Posts

I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for th

One sunny day in late January 2021, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,

Posted Images

An Irishman's First Drink With His Son


I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first drink. Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house. I got him a Miller Genuine. He didn't like it – so I drank it. Then I got him an Old Style, he didn't like it either, so I drank it. It was the same with the Coors and the Bud. By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey I could hardly push the stroller back home.

Link to post
Share on other sites

An Irishman's First Drink With His Son

 

 

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first drink. Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house. I got him a Miller Genuine. He didn't like it – so I drank it. Then I got him an Old Style, he didn't like it either, so I drank it. It was the same with the Coors and the Bud. By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey I could hardly push the stroller back home.

Point of information - no self-respecting Irishman starts his son with those brands. Maybe that's why the kid didn't like them...

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

As I have grown older:

I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex any more…..

a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

Lance Armstrong

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong,especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs.When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.

Drive By

A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the remote.Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick bastard!

The Agony of Aging

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend.He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".

VIDEO SCAM

Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".Turns out it's all about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

Link to post
Share on other sites

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophiliac, a zoophiliac and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.


"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophiliac.


"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it?" says the sadist.


"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it?" shouted the murderer.


"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again?" said the necrophiliac.


"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it?" said the pyromaniac.


There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow."


Link to post
Share on other sites

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'

The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

Link to post
Share on other sites

Medical school or Pilot training????

When I was young I decided to go to Medical School.

At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who said SPINE are doctors today.

The rest of us are retired pilots sending jokes by email….

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 3 weeks later...

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a huge fancy chrome plate. He asks the waiter, "What's with the fancy plate?" The waiter replies, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

Link to post
Share on other sites

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communications with a small twin engine aircraft.

A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.


The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled

"Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone

out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial

memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and travelling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!"


The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately.

"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we will guide you down after a few questions.

The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!".


He began his series of questions.


Tower: "How do you know you are travelling at 18,000 feet??"


Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the dials in front of me".


Tower: "Okay, that is good, remain calm. How do you know you are travelling at 180 mph??"


Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the dials in front of me".


Tower: Okay, that is good. How do you know you're flying upside down??"


Aircraft: "Because the shit in my pants is sliding out of my collar."

Link to post
Share on other sites
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.


He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.


One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and still no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.


Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."


(I didn't see it coming, either)
Link to post
Share on other sites

So this one guy was a real jerk. He was sure he knew everything about just about, well, everything. One night he made the mistake of correcting her lovemaking. She'd had enough and said she was cutting him off until she cooled off.

 

So after about a month of taking matters into his own hands, he approached her but she would have none of it, as she was still mad. Go figure, right?

 

So he said he was going to get a girlfriend who would meet his needs. "Fine, whatever," she said. But, of course, within ten minutes of any conversation no woman would have anything to do with him.

 

So he bought a cheap inflatable doll. But he found that it chafed his junk.

 

She just wasn't good girlfriend material.

Link to post
Share on other sites

A bear and a rabbit meet eyes while taking a dump... The bear breaks the awkward silence and asks the rabbit, "hey, you ever have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit replies, "nope, why?"

"No reason" said the bear as he wiped his butt with the rabbit...

Link to post
Share on other sites

Someone asked me, "And now that you are retired, do you still have a job?"

"Yes!" I replied, "I am my wife's sexual adviser."

Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

"Very simple. My wife has told me that when she wants my fucking advice, she'll ask me for it."

Link to post
Share on other sites

How do you stop a woman giving you a blow job?

Marry her!

 

2 deaf lesbians walking down a street with their hands down each others knickers, what were they up to?

Lip reading!

 

Why do lesbians make the best carpenters?

They are much better than men at tongue 'n groove!

 

How do you know when your sister is having a period?

Your dad's dick tastes kinda funny!

 

What do you call 3 sheep hanging from a lampost in mid-Wales?

A leisure centre!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Joseph of Aramathea says to his son Christ "time to make an honest man out of you, off to the wilderness you go and don't come back until you have a proper job!"

After 40 days and nights during which he met a dyslexic devil called Santa who was way ahead of his time, he returned home to Dad.

"Hi son, what have you been up to then?" Says Joseph.

"I have decided to open a shop selling the likes of dairy produce like Cheddar, Gouda, Gorgonzola and Parmesan!"

"Well that's different, wotcha gonna call it." Says Joseph.

"Cheeses of Nazareth" was the reply!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Famous last words...

 

"I didn't order Ice in my drink" Captain of the Titanic

 

"What was that bang" Mayor of Hiroshima

 

"There it is again" Mayor of Nagasaki

 

"Someone at the door dear" OBL (he really knew the only good day was yesterday...")

 

"Where the fuck did that lot come from?!) Custer

 

"I don't care which way it's pointing, sink the fucking thing!" Margaret Thatcher

 

"I demand a second opinion" the late great Joan Rivers

Link to post
Share on other sites

Scotsman, Welshman and Irishman burgle a farmers barn but before they can get away with their loot many blue flashing lights appear and a Police helicopter appears over the barn.

 

What shall we do cries the Irishman

 

find somewhere to hide says the Welshman

 

Look in these big sacks says the Scotsman

 

So the 3 intrepid thieves climb into a sack each and cover up.

 

In come the cops, no guns, this is the UK after all,

 

Where are the buggers says the Sergeant kicking the nearest sack which has the Scotsman in

 

Quick as a shot, the Scot shouts woof woof and the cops move onto the next sack, this one containing the Welshman, the Sarge kicks it and the Welshman cottoning on to the deception shouts Meow, Meow

 

So the cops move towards the 3rd sack containing the Irishman, who by now has worked out his own cover story, as the Sarge kicks the sack, good old Paddy yells

 

potatoes, Potatoes!

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

 

Famous last words...

 

"I didn't order Ice in my drink" Captain of the Titanic

 

"What was that bang" Mayor of Hiroshima

 

"There it is again" Mayor of Nagasaki

 

"Someone at the door dear" OBL (he really knew the only good day was yesterday...")

 

"Where the fuck did that lot come from?!) Custer

 

"I don't care which way it's pointing, sink the fucking thing!" Margaret Thatcher

 

"I demand a second opinion" the late great Joan Rivers

If you like your health insurance, you can keep it.....

"Just goin over some shoals... "We've got about 40 meters of water right here'"

Link to post
Share on other sites

Dr Watson barges into Sherlock Holmes bedroom and finds him and Professor Moriarty naked on all fours on the bed, Holmes is busy wiping half a lemon around Moriatys rear end...

"WTF is going on?" roars Watson.

Holmes casually turns round to Watson and calmly states "it's lemon entry, dear chap, lemon entry..."

Link to post
Share on other sites

What's the hardest part of a sex change operation?

 

Sewing in the anchovy!

 

 

What were the names of the 2 Scots gays?

 

Ben Doon & Phil McCavity!

 

 

What was Richard III's nickname?

 

Dick Shit, more commonly known as Richard the Turd!

 

 

What do you call a blind stag?

 

No idea!

 

 

Dad, Dad, are you and Mum getting religious all of a sudden?

 

No son, why?

 

Well there was an almighty ruckus coming from your bedroom last night and I heard Mum say 'Oh my God I'm coming'!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 3 weeks later...

I'm going to make a fortune with my new product line - see-through lunchboxes for blondes.

 

Why see-through? So they can tell whether they are going to work or on the way home!

Link to post
Share on other sites

My cousin Ted is a sports editor for the New York Times.

 

He had this to say about the Deflatriots...I thought it was pretty funny...

 

 

It turns out that 11 of the 12 balls the Patriots used in the AFC Championship Game were underinflated, and now there's hell to pay in New England, because Bill Belichick is trying to figure out what in the world happened with that 12th ball.

Link to post
Share on other sites

My cousin Ted is a sports editor for the New York Times.

 

He had this to say about the Deflatriots...I thought it was pretty funny...

 

 

It turns out that 11 of the 12 balls the Patriots used in the AFC Championship Game were underinflated, and now there's hell to pay in New England, because Bill Belichick is trying to figure out what in the world happened with that 12th ball.

 

 

+100

Link to post
Share on other sites

Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm are in a car. They get pulled over.

 

Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.

The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"

 

The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"

"We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger.

 

The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.

Link to post
Share on other sites

GWB07.jpg

GWB08.jpg

 

1 . Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

 

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

 

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

 

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

 

5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

 

6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

 

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

 

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

 

9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

 

10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

 

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

 

12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

 

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

 

14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

 

15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

 

16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

 

17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

 

18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

 

19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn..that was fun!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire

to become a great writer.

 

When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that

the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a

truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl

in pain and anger!"

 

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Three old girls, Tillie, Maude and Gertrude were sitting on a park bench having a quiet chat. A flasher walked across the park and stopped in front of them and opened his trench coat. Tillie had a stroke. Maude had a stroke but Gertrude being older and even more feeble couldn't reach that far.

Link to post
Share on other sites

After filing their personal tax returns by April 30th, many Canadians will receive a tax refund.
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it in a Q & A format:

Q. What is a tax refund payment?
A. It's money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.

Below are some helpful tips on how to best help the Canadian economy by spending your tax refund wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.


* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China.

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in Canada by:

1) Spending it at yard sales, or

2) Going to hockey games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.

(These are the only "truly" Canadian businesses still operating)

Conclusion:

Go to a hockey game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day!

No need to thank me, I'm just glad to be of help.

 

Caution: Don’t buy your tickets from an on-line broker.

Link to post
Share on other sites

A priest and a young nun are on a train, with the priest passing the time doing a crossword. He turns to the nun and asks "27 across, 4 letter word - exclusively female, ends in -UNT?" The nun quickly replies "Aunt". The priest - "Shit - do you have an eraser?".

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question my lord?"

"Go ahead Carson " said his lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on."

"What word is that?" said his lordship.

"Aplomb" , my lord.

"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self assurance or complete composure."

"Thank you, my lord, but I'm still a little confused."

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

"I remember the occasion very well, my lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."

"Also", continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"

"I was present on that occasion, my lord, ministering to their needs."

"While plucking the rose a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."

Carson replied, "I witnessed the incident, my lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

"That evening the prick on his thumb was so sore, Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate, even though it was extremely tender."

"Yes, my lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate enquired of Will with a loud voice, 'Darling does your prick still throb?'"

And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee!

Now that is aplomb!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Christians go on and on about Jesus feeding five thousand with five loaves and seven fishes!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What about Hitler? He made 6 million Jews toast.

Link to post
Share on other sites

A family was driving behind a garbage truck when a large dildo flies out and hits the windshield.

 

 

To hide her embarrassment the mother turns and says to her young kids, "My, what a big insect!

 

 

To which her 7 year old says, "I'm surprised it could fly with a dick that big."

Link to post
Share on other sites

Milwaukee Police (MPD) report finding a man˙s body in the river near the Tavern.
The dead man's name will not be released until his family have been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption.

He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap on dildo, purple lipstick and a Chicago Bears T-shirt.

He also had a cucumber in his rectum.

The police removed the Chicago Bears T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

Link to post
Share on other sites

A woman asked the pharmacist, "Do you sell Viagra?"
"Yes," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes," he answered.
She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"
"I can, if I take two," laughing6.giflaughing6.gif he replied. omg1.gif

Link to post
Share on other sites

A man walked out on the street and caught a taxi going past.

He got into the taxi and the cabbie said, “Perfect timing, you’re just like Brian”

The passenger said “Who?”

Cabbie: “Brian Sullivan. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time.

Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian every single time”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody”

Cabbie: “ Not Brian Sullivan, he was a terrific athlete, could have won the Grand Slam at tennis, he could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star...And you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy”.

Passenger: “ Sounds like he was something really special”.

Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer, he remembered everybody’s birthday and he knew all about wine. Which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.

He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right”.

Passenger: “Wow, some guy then”.

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in the traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes polished too. He was the perfect man! No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan”.

Passenger: “ An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “Well I never actually met Brian. He died. I’m married to his widow! :lol:

Link to post
Share on other sites
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.’

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.’

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. Then they tried a clown and one turned to the other and said, "Does this taste funny to you?”

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!’

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.’

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I was watching porn with the missus and she complained "This is so unrealistic."

I said, "Just because you're unwilling to try new things, doesn't mean everyone's that frigid."

"Not that," she explained, "It's just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks."

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sensitivity test for men

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss NFL Pre-Game.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play..
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7.. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. I hope we can still be friends.
B. I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.
C. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU.

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

Link to post
Share on other sites

It is Easter Sunday morning and the chubby kid on the farm, who's been up since well before dawn, decides that he simply can't eat one more Easter egg. So he decides to play a prank. Heading into the chicken coop, he replaces every single egg the hens have laid with a brightly coloured one. A few minutes later, the rooster walks in, sees all the coloured eggs, then storms outside and kills the peacock.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 3 weeks later...

For those who identify with the Irish.....

• Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.


• Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.


• The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.


• An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"
"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.


• Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.


• Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"


• Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."


• Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?"
"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."


• Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.


• Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home .


• Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" he said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"
"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."


• "O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"
"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

deserves a bump

 

 

A Train hits a bus load of Catholic high school girls and they all perish.

They are all in Heaven and trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact

with a penis?"

 

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with

the tip of my finger."

 

St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy water and pass

through the gate."

 

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever

had any contact with a penis?"

 

The girl is reluctant but replies, "Well, I once fondled and stroked one."

 

St. Peter says, "Ok, dip your whole hand in the Holy water and pass

through the gate."

 

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls; one girl

is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front,

St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"

 

The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy water, I want

to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it!"

Link to post
Share on other sites

THE IRISH CHRISTENING

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.

After being in a coma for nearly six months, she woke up and saw that she was no longer pregnant.

Frantically she asked the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replied, “You had twins, a boy and a girl. The babies are fine.

However they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately, so your brother

Paddy came in and named them.”

The woman thought to herself, ‘Oh suffering Jesus no; not me brother. He's a clueless idiot! ‘

Expecting the worst, she asked the doctor, “Well, what's my daughter's name?”


“Denise.” said the doctor.


The new mother was somewhat relieved and thought to herself,

‘Wow, that's a really beautiful name.

I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like Denise.'

Then she asked, “What's the boy's name?”

The doctor replied: “Denephew.”

Link to post
Share on other sites

The teacher asks the 5th graders what commodity they'd like best.

Little Alice raises her hand and says"Gold". The teacher ask why. Alice say gold is worth lots of money and then she'd be able to buy a Corvette!

Teacher asks "anyone else"?. Little Suzy raises her hand and says "Platinum". The teacher asks why. Suzy says platinum is worth mor than gold and she could then buy a Porsche.

The teacher asks "anyone else?" Little Johnny raises his hand and says "Silicone" T%he teacher asks why silicone???? Little Johnny says, "I don't know how much it is worth but my mom has two bags of the stuff and we always have cool sports cars park infront of our house!"

Link to post
Share on other sites

This post is a joke.

 

Now you will all see this at the top of the page for a few months. Enjoy.

 

(till one of you deletes a earlier joke)

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. The family still used an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was so hot in the summer, freezing cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that old outhouse straight into the creek.

 

So, one day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He found a large pole and started pushing.

 

Finally, after much effort, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

 

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. The boy knew that meant a spanking, so he asked why.

 

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"

 

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth..."

 

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father probably wasn't in the cherry tree."

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 1 month later...

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.

 

Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres in the middle of outback Aussie as far from humanityas possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

 

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

 

'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00.' 'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.'

 

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'. 'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

 

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

 

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.'

 

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too.'

 

'Now that's really not a problem,' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'

 

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 3 weeks later...

 

Bob is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home. Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Bob turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?''

"Sex" he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old toot. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Bob says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Bob's thingy.

Then one night Bob didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find him and make sure he was O.K.

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Bob's little Pal.

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son-of-a-gun!! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"

Old Bob smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"

Link to post
Share on other sites

The teacher asked her class to put the word 'contagious' into a meaningful sentence. Unfortunately for her, little Johnny down the back was the only one who raised a hand. She waited five minutes and when Johnny's hand was the only one still raised she sighed inwardly, knowing there was trouble ahead but at the same time curious as to how Johnny could ruin her day this time, and told Johnny to go ahead.

 

"Miss, our neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it'll take the contagious!"

Link to post
Share on other sites

Simple explanation

 

The Irish mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

 

"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.

 

"What happened? I'll tell you what happened. I sent an E-mail to my wife (your daughter) telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip.

 

I get home...and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Patricia, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever"

 

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

 

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "Paddy, I told you there must be a simple explanation...She never got your E-mail."