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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for th

One sunny day in late January 2021, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,

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Someone asked me, "And now that you are retired, do you still have a job?"

"Yes!" I replied, "I am my wife's sexual adviser."

Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

"Very simple. My wife has told me that when she wants my fucking advice, she'll ask me for it."

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How do you stop a woman giving you a blow job?

Marry her!

 

2 deaf lesbians walking down a street with their hands down each others knickers, what were they up to?

Lip reading!

 

Why do lesbians make the best carpenters?

They are much better than men at tongue 'n groove!

 

How do you know when your sister is having a period?

Your dad's dick tastes kinda funny!

 

What do you call 3 sheep hanging from a lampost in mid-Wales?

A leisure centre!

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Joseph of Aramathea says to his son Christ "time to make an honest man out of you, off to the wilderness you go and don't come back until you have a proper job!"

After 40 days and nights during which he met a dyslexic devil called Santa who was way ahead of his time, he returned home to Dad.

"Hi son, what have you been up to then?" Says Joseph.

"I have decided to open a shop selling the likes of dairy produce like Cheddar, Gouda, Gorgonzola and Parmesan!"

"Well that's different, wotcha gonna call it." Says Joseph.

"Cheeses of Nazareth" was the reply!

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Famous last words...

 

"I didn't order Ice in my drink" Captain of the Titanic

 

"What was that bang" Mayor of Hiroshima

 

"There it is again" Mayor of Nagasaki

 

"Someone at the door dear" OBL (he really knew the only good day was yesterday...")

 

"Where the fuck did that lot come from?!) Custer

 

"I don't care which way it's pointing, sink the fucking thing!" Margaret Thatcher

 

"I demand a second opinion" the late great Joan Rivers

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Scotsman, Welshman and Irishman burgle a farmers barn but before they can get away with their loot many blue flashing lights appear and a Police helicopter appears over the barn.

 

What shall we do cries the Irishman

 

find somewhere to hide says the Welshman

 

Look in these big sacks says the Scotsman

 

So the 3 intrepid thieves climb into a sack each and cover up.

 

In come the cops, no guns, this is the UK after all,

 

Where are the buggers says the Sergeant kicking the nearest sack which has the Scotsman in

 

Quick as a shot, the Scot shouts woof woof and the cops move onto the next sack, this one containing the Welshman, the Sarge kicks it and the Welshman cottoning on to the deception shouts Meow, Meow

 

So the cops move towards the 3rd sack containing the Irishman, who by now has worked out his own cover story, as the Sarge kicks the sack, good old Paddy yells

 

potatoes, Potatoes!

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Famous last words...

 

"I didn't order Ice in my drink" Captain of the Titanic

 

"What was that bang" Mayor of Hiroshima

 

"There it is again" Mayor of Nagasaki

 

"Someone at the door dear" OBL (he really knew the only good day was yesterday...")

 

"Where the fuck did that lot come from?!) Custer

 

"I don't care which way it's pointing, sink the fucking thing!" Margaret Thatcher

 

"I demand a second opinion" the late great Joan Rivers

If you like your health insurance, you can keep it.....

"Just goin over some shoals... "We've got about 40 meters of water right here'"

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Dr Watson barges into Sherlock Holmes bedroom and finds him and Professor Moriarty naked on all fours on the bed, Holmes is busy wiping half a lemon around Moriatys rear end...

"WTF is going on?" roars Watson.

Holmes casually turns round to Watson and calmly states "it's lemon entry, dear chap, lemon entry..."

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What's the hardest part of a sex change operation?

 

Sewing in the anchovy!

 

 

What were the names of the 2 Scots gays?

 

Ben Doon & Phil McCavity!

 

 

What was Richard III's nickname?

 

Dick Shit, more commonly known as Richard the Turd!

 

 

What do you call a blind stag?

 

No idea!

 

 

Dad, Dad, are you and Mum getting religious all of a sudden?

 

No son, why?

 

Well there was an almighty ruckus coming from your bedroom last night and I heard Mum say 'Oh my God I'm coming'!

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  • 3 weeks later...

I'm going to make a fortune with my new product line - see-through lunchboxes for blondes.

 

Why see-through? So they can tell whether they are going to work or on the way home!

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My cousin Ted is a sports editor for the New York Times.

 

He had this to say about the Deflatriots...I thought it was pretty funny...

 

 

It turns out that 11 of the 12 balls the Patriots used in the AFC Championship Game were underinflated, and now there's hell to pay in New England, because Bill Belichick is trying to figure out what in the world happened with that 12th ball.

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My cousin Ted is a sports editor for the New York Times.

 

He had this to say about the Deflatriots...I thought it was pretty funny...

 

 

It turns out that 11 of the 12 balls the Patriots used in the AFC Championship Game were underinflated, and now there's hell to pay in New England, because Bill Belichick is trying to figure out what in the world happened with that 12th ball.

 

 

+100

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Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm are in a car. They get pulled over.

 

Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.

The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"

 

The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"

"We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger.

 

The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.

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GWB07.jpg

GWB08.jpg

 

1 . Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

 

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

 

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

 

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

 

5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

 

6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

 

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

 

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

 

9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

 

10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

 

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

 

12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

 

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

 

14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

 

15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

 

16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

 

17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

 

18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

 

19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn..that was fun!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire

to become a great writer.

 

When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that

the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a

truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl

in pain and anger!"

 

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

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Three old girls, Tillie, Maude and Gertrude were sitting on a park bench having a quiet chat. A flasher walked across the park and stopped in front of them and opened his trench coat. Tillie had a stroke. Maude had a stroke but Gertrude being older and even more feeble couldn't reach that far.

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After filing their personal tax returns by April 30th, many Canadians will receive a tax refund.
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it in a Q & A format:

Q. What is a tax refund payment?
A. It's money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.

Below are some helpful tips on how to best help the Canadian economy by spending your tax refund wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.


* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China.

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in Canada by:

1) Spending it at yard sales, or

2) Going to hockey games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.

(These are the only "truly" Canadian businesses still operating)

Conclusion:

Go to a hockey game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day!

No need to thank me, I'm just glad to be of help.

 

Caution: Don’t buy your tickets from an on-line broker.

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A priest and a young nun are on a train, with the priest passing the time doing a crossword. He turns to the nun and asks "27 across, 4 letter word - exclusively female, ends in -UNT?" The nun quickly replies "Aunt". The priest - "Shit - do you have an eraser?".

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  • 2 weeks later...

His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question my lord?"

"Go ahead Carson " said his lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on."

"What word is that?" said his lordship.

"Aplomb" , my lord.

"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self assurance or complete composure."

"Thank you, my lord, but I'm still a little confused."

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

"I remember the occasion very well, my lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."

"Also", continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"

"I was present on that occasion, my lord, ministering to their needs."

"While plucking the rose a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."

Carson replied, "I witnessed the incident, my lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

"That evening the prick on his thumb was so sore, Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate, even though it was extremely tender."

"Yes, my lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate enquired of Will with a loud voice, 'Darling does your prick still throb?'"

And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee!

Now that is aplomb!

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Christians go on and on about Jesus feeding five thousand with five loaves and seven fishes!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What about Hitler? He made 6 million Jews toast.

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A family was driving behind a garbage truck when a large dildo flies out and hits the windshield.

 

 

To hide her embarrassment the mother turns and says to her young kids, "My, what a big insect!

 

 

To which her 7 year old says, "I'm surprised it could fly with a dick that big."

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Milwaukee Police (MPD) report finding a man˙s body in the river near the Tavern.
The dead man's name will not be released until his family have been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption.

He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap on dildo, purple lipstick and a Chicago Bears T-shirt.

He also had a cucumber in his rectum.

The police removed the Chicago Bears T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

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A woman asked the pharmacist, "Do you sell Viagra?"
"Yes," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes," he answered.
She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"
"I can, if I take two," laughing6.giflaughing6.gif he replied. omg1.gif

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A man walked out on the street and caught a taxi going past.

He got into the taxi and the cabbie said, “Perfect timing, you’re just like Brian”

The passenger said “Who?”

Cabbie: “Brian Sullivan. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time.

Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian every single time”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody”

Cabbie: “ Not Brian Sullivan, he was a terrific athlete, could have won the Grand Slam at tennis, he could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star...And you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy”.

Passenger: “ Sounds like he was something really special”.

Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer, he remembered everybody’s birthday and he knew all about wine. Which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.

He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right”.

Passenger: “Wow, some guy then”.

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in the traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes polished too. He was the perfect man! No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan”.

Passenger: “ An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “Well I never actually met Brian. He died. I’m married to his widow! :lol:

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1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.’

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.’

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. Then they tried a clown and one turned to the other and said, "Does this taste funny to you?”

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!’

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.’

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

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I was watching porn with the missus and she complained "This is so unrealistic."

I said, "Just because you're unwilling to try new things, doesn't mean everyone's that frigid."

"Not that," she explained, "It's just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks."

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Sensitivity test for men

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss NFL Pre-Game.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play..
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7.. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. I hope we can still be friends.
B. I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.
C. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU.

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

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It is Easter Sunday morning and the chubby kid on the farm, who's been up since well before dawn, decides that he simply can't eat one more Easter egg. So he decides to play a prank. Heading into the chicken coop, he replaces every single egg the hens have laid with a brightly coloured one. A few minutes later, the rooster walks in, sees all the coloured eggs, then storms outside and kills the peacock.

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  • 3 weeks later...

For those who identify with the Irish.....

• Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.


• Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.


• The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.


• An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"
"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.


• Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.


• Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"


• Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."


• Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?"
"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."


• Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.


• Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home .


• Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" he said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"
"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."


• "O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"
"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"

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  • 2 weeks later...

deserves a bump

 

 

A Train hits a bus load of Catholic high school girls and they all perish.

They are all in Heaven and trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact

with a penis?"

 

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with

the tip of my finger."

 

St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy water and pass

through the gate."

 

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever

had any contact with a penis?"

 

The girl is reluctant but replies, "Well, I once fondled and stroked one."

 

St. Peter says, "Ok, dip your whole hand in the Holy water and pass

through the gate."

 

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls; one girl

is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front,

St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"

 

The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy water, I want

to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it!"

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THE IRISH CHRISTENING

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.

After being in a coma for nearly six months, she woke up and saw that she was no longer pregnant.

Frantically she asked the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replied, “You had twins, a boy and a girl. The babies are fine.

However they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately, so your brother

Paddy came in and named them.”

The woman thought to herself, ‘Oh suffering Jesus no; not me brother. He's a clueless idiot! ‘

Expecting the worst, she asked the doctor, “Well, what's my daughter's name?”


“Denise.” said the doctor.


The new mother was somewhat relieved and thought to herself,

‘Wow, that's a really beautiful name.

I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like Denise.'

Then she asked, “What's the boy's name?”

The doctor replied: “Denephew.”

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The teacher asks the 5th graders what commodity they'd like best.

Little Alice raises her hand and says"Gold". The teacher ask why. Alice say gold is worth lots of money and then she'd be able to buy a Corvette!

Teacher asks "anyone else"?. Little Suzy raises her hand and says "Platinum". The teacher asks why. Suzy says platinum is worth mor than gold and she could then buy a Porsche.

The teacher asks "anyone else?" Little Johnny raises his hand and says "Silicone" T%he teacher asks why silicone???? Little Johnny says, "I don't know how much it is worth but my mom has two bags of the stuff and we always have cool sports cars park infront of our house!"

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This post is a joke.

 

Now you will all see this at the top of the page for a few months. Enjoy.

 

(till one of you deletes a earlier joke)

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  • 2 weeks later...

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. The family still used an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was so hot in the summer, freezing cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that old outhouse straight into the creek.

 

So, one day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He found a large pole and started pushing.

 

Finally, after much effort, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

 

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. The boy knew that meant a spanking, so he asked why.

 

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"

 

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth..."

 

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father probably wasn't in the cherry tree."

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  • 1 month later...

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.

 

Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres in the middle of outback Aussie as far from humanityas possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

 

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

 

'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00.' 'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.'

 

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'. 'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

 

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

 

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.'

 

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too.'

 

'Now that's really not a problem,' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'

 

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'

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  • 3 weeks later...

 

Bob is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home. Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Bob turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?''

"Sex" he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old toot. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Bob says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Bob's thingy.

Then one night Bob didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find him and make sure he was O.K.

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Bob's little Pal.

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son-of-a-gun!! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"

Old Bob smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"

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The teacher asked her class to put the word 'contagious' into a meaningful sentence. Unfortunately for her, little Johnny down the back was the only one who raised a hand. She waited five minutes and when Johnny's hand was the only one still raised she sighed inwardly, knowing there was trouble ahead but at the same time curious as to how Johnny could ruin her day this time, and told Johnny to go ahead.

 

"Miss, our neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it'll take the contagious!"

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Simple explanation

 

The Irish mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

 

"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.

 

"What happened? I'll tell you what happened. I sent an E-mail to my wife (your daughter) telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip.

 

I get home...and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Patricia, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever"

 

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

 

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "Paddy, I told you there must be a simple explanation...She never got your E-mail."

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A redneck went to the hospital, as his wife was having a baby.

Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said to him:

Congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets, five big baby boys!"

The redneck said:

"I'm not surprised. I have a penis the size of a chimney."

The nurse replied:

"You might want to consider getting it cleaned. Theyre all black!"

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Why Men Wear Earrings?

 

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

 

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and

is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense"

 

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

 

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

 

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods

him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

 

"Ever since my wife found it in my car."

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Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres in the middle of outback Aussie as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

I gave a talk about singlehanded sailing to a sailing club on Saturday. I used this joke (after adapting it to "Tom sails his boat to a deserted South Pacific island")

 

It got a good laugh from the audience. Thanks Scott Roberts!

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At dawn the telephone rings, ‘Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.’
‘Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?’
‘Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead’
‘My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?’
‘Si, Senor, that’s the one.’
‘Damn! That’s a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?’
‘From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.’
‘Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?’
‘Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.’
‘Dead horse? What dead horse?’
‘The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.’
‘My prize thoroughbred is dead?’
‘Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.’
‘Are you insane?? What water cart?’
‘The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.’
‘Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??’
‘The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.’
‘What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle? !!’
‘Yes, Senor Rod.’
‘But there’s electricity at the house! What was the candle for?’
‘For the funeral, Senor Rod.’
‘WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!’
‘Your wife’s, Senor Rod’, she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new taylor made R580 XD golf club.’
SILENCE . .. . . . . .. . . LONG SILENCE . . .. . . . . …
‘Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you’re fired

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A man is sound asleep in bed with his wife when the phone rings at 2 am. His wife answers and he hears her say 'What? How would I know, we live up in the mountains! No go away.' before hanging up.

'who was that' the man asks. 'I don't know' says the wife 'some stupid women asking if the coast is clear'

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OMG! For the first time in my life I'm speechless.

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Little Johnny.....

 

Little Johnny's teacher askes the class "who is a Hillary Clinton fan"? Everyone in class, wanting to please the teacher raises their hand except for little Johnny. Teacher is a bit confused by Johnny not raising his hand and questions him why he is not a fan. Little Johnny responds that his father is a Republican and his Mother is a Republican and they are not Hillary Clinton fans, so neither is he. Teacher responds with "if your Mom is a moron and your Dad is an idiot, what would that make you?" Without hesitation, Little Johnny responds "a Hillary Clinton fan!"

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A Melbourne Zoo acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The Gorilla was on heat.

To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Graham, a big Kiwi lad & former, All Black,
responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery.

Graham, like most Kiwis, seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

So the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.

Graham was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?

Graham showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Graham announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions

"Fust," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss er."

"Sicondly, you must niver niver tull anyone about thus."

The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was.

"Wull," said Graham, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.

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What's the best part of sex with a transvestite???

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through :o

New keyboard required....

did not see this one coming at all.

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Jack is dating this girl Paula. He takes her out five times before he finally gets her back up to his apartment for coffee. They're fooling around on the couch, they move to the bedroom, and they have sex.

After it's done, Paula glances over at the nightstand and sees the box of Trojans. It's a 12-pack, but there are only five left in there.

"What happened to the rest of them?" she asks accusingly.

"Well... I masturbated into them," he says.

She accepts the answer, but she's curious. When she's with a few guy friends two days later, Paula asks them about it.

"Do you guys ever do that?" she asks.

"Sure, all the time," her friend says.

"Really, you masturbate into condoms?" she responds.

"Oh, no! I thought you were asking if I ever lie to my girlfriend!" :D

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One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said, 'If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose.'
While this was on the edge of intolerable to the wife, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, 'You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra.'
After the previous morning, the wife could not allow another silent response. She rolled over and grabbed her husband's floppy bit. With a death grip in place, she said, 'You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man and your brother!'

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What's the best part of sex with a transvestite???

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through :o

New keyboard required....

did not see this one coming at all.

 

Outfuckingstanding!

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So, I was walking downtown and I saw that there was a “Muslim Book Store.” I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore, so I went in.

 

As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk gave me the stink eye but asked if he could help me.

 

I imagine I didn’t look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump’s book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?”

 

The clerk said, “Fuck off, get out and stay out!”

 

I said, “Yes, that’s the one. Do you have it in paperback?”

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So, I was walking downtown and I saw that there was a Muslim Book Store. I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore, so I went in.

 

As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk gave me the stink eye but asked if he could help me.

 

I imagine I didnt look like his normal clientele, so I asked, Do you have a copy of Donald Trumps book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?

 

The clerk said, Fuck off, get out and stay out!

 

I said, Yes, thats the one. Do you have it in paperback?

i can't stand Hillary but damn it if anyone can get Hillary to win the presidency it is Trump.
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This is the honest truth!

 

TWO DIFFERENT DOCTORS' OFFICES

Boy, if this doesn't hit the nail on the head, I don't know what does!

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint?

Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment,

then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

Next time take me to a vet!

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A man get stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.

Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?
Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish.
Warden: your pet fish? How's that?
Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about half hour and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night.
Warden: Well that's just a crock of lies!!
Man: here I'll show you... (Releases the fish in the lake)
Warden: well this I got to see!!
5 minutes later...
Warden: well??
Man: what?
Warden: the fish!! Where's your pet fish??
Man: what fish??

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As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I took my finger back out, and within seconds she was going down on me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I really need to get myself a new boat" I thought to myself

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spl1107217-015.jpg

They'd have loved her in Greco-Roman times - Venus/Aphridite reborn. As-is I don't think she could drown, unless like cats and tris she floats bottom up and doesn't self-right...😛

 

Interesting topic - any naval architect here wanna attempt a righting curve on Kim?

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