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The skipper of a fishing boat which ran aground during the early hours of this morning, was found to be more than twice over the blood alcohol limit for sailing.

Authorities have said that they have no idea what to do with a drunken sailor early in the morning.

__________________________________________________ _______

An Englishman, an Aussie and an Irishman are discussing pubs.

The Englishman says "Our local pub is excellent. After you buy 4 beers, they give you one free!"

The Aussie says: "Ours is even better - you get a free beer with every three you buy!"

The Irishman says: "At our local pub you get free drinks all night and then you get sex at the end of it."

The Aussie and Pom are impressed. "Where is this pub?" they ask.

The Irishman says: "Sure I've never been there meself, but me sister goes there all the time."

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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for th

One sunny day in late January 2021, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,

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The scorpion in the tent

 

Members of the different Armed Services were asked how they would deal with a scorpion in their tent

 

The sailor said he'd step on it

 

The soldier said he'd crush it with his boot

 

The Marine said he'd capture it, rip off the stinger and eat it

 

 

 

 

 

 

The airman said he'd call room service and ask what a tent was doing in his room.

 

Is there a joke in there??? I don't get it.

 

All my retired Air Force enlisted guys get it, but they all tell me the AF has the smartest enlisted - "We send our officers out to fight".

 

All my Marine friends get excited about the rip the stinger off part ...

 

 

I'm sorry, I assumed the sarcasm was obvious. There, I FIFY.

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The scorpion in the tent

 

Members of the different Armed Services were asked how they would deal with a scorpion in their tent

 

The sailor said he'd step on it

 

The soldier said he'd crush it with his boot

 

The Marine said he'd capture it, rip off the stinger and eat it

 

 

 

 

 

 

The airman said he'd call room service and ask what a tent was doing in his room.

thanks for that, sent it along to my AF buddy LOL

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How can you tell the difference between Marines (Officers - or "zeros" as my brother called them and Enlisted) when they read to themselves..

 

The Officers lips move when reading to themselves...

 

(My brother retired as an E-7)...

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  • 2 weeks later...

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

 

He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product..?'

 

She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time...'

 

'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for..?'

 

'We use it when we're having sex...'

 

The researcher was a little taken back.

 

'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I do admire you for your honesty.

 

Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it when you're having sex?'

 

The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all...

 

My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out...

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The blonde picked up her little black dress from the dry cleaners.

As she was leaving, the girl behind the counter said, "thanks for your business, come again" to which the blonde replied, "no way bitch, this time it was tooth paste"

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I spent the last two years looking for my girlfriends killer.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But no one will do it.

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A Spanish language teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish,

unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

 

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

 

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

 

 

A student asked, "What gender is 'Computer'?"

 

 

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher divided the class into two

groups, Male and Female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether

"Computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

 

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

 

 

The men's group decided that "Computer" should definitely be of the

feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

 

 

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

 

 

2. The native language they use to communicate with other

computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

 

 

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for

possible later retrieval; and

 

 

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending

half your paycheck to buy accessories for it.

 

 

 

 

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

 

 

 

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be

masculine ("el computador"), because:

 

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

 

 

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

 

 

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time

they ARE the problem; and

 

 

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a

little longer, you could have got a better model.

 

 

The women won.

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Good one 😄😄

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Mick, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll be havin’ a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow

B) Thrush,

c) Magpie,

d) Cuckoo?"

"I haven't got a clue," said Mick, "So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ......."

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

"Mother of Mary, Mick!" cried Paddy, "Dat's bloody simple. It's a cuckoo."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm feckin’ sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is."

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Don't be so tick, it's because dey lives in a feckin' CLOCK!”

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A Spanish language teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish,

unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

 

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

 

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

 

 

A student asked, "What gender is 'Computer'?"

 

 

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher divided the class into two

groups, Male and Female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether

"Computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

 

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

 

 

The men's group decided that "Computer" should definitely be of the

feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

 

 

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

 

 

2. The native language they use to communicate with other

computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

 

 

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for

possible later retrieval; and

 

 

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending

half your paycheck to buy accessories for it.

 

 

 

 

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

 

 

 

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be

masculine ("el computador"), because:

 

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

 

 

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

 

 

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time

they ARE the problem; and

 

 

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a

little longer, you could have got a better model.

 

 

The women won.

 

 

Golf clap

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What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip!

 

 

Three pregnant women are sitting in a doctors waiting room knitting.

Mom 1 checks her watch and takes a pill “Vitamin C, good for mom, good for baby.”

Mom 2 takes a pill and says, “Vitamin A, good for mom, good for baby.”

Mom 3 takes a pill and says, “Thalidomide…I can’t knit sleeves.”

 

 

A baby seal walked into a club…

 

 

Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes

 

 

Why do the Scots wear kilts?

Because a sheep can hear a zipper from like a mile away

 

 

How do you know when a redneck has her period?

She’s only wearing one sock

 

 

How do you get a one-armed Irishman out of a tree?

Wave

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A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from?
You sound English", "I'm from across the Severn," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the Severn ?", "I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?", "I mount animals."
"Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.

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Three pregnant women are sitting in a doctors waiting room knitting.

Mom 1 checks her watch and takes a pill “Vitamin C, good for mom, good for baby.”

Mom 2 takes a pill and says, “Vitamin A, good for mom, good for baby.”

Mom 3 takes a pill and says, “Thalidomide…I can’t knit sleeves.”

 

 

:o:o

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Three pregnant women are sitting in a doctors waiting room knitting.

Mom 1 checks her watch and takes a pill “Vitamin C, good for mom, good for baby.”

Mom 2 takes a pill and says, “Vitamin A, good for mom, good for baby.”

Mom 3 takes a pill and says, “Thalidomide…I can’t knit sleeves.”

 

 

:o:o

 

Yes, it is rather dated.......

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A struggling New York actor gets a phone call from his agent.

 

The agent tells him: "I got you a part. It's small, only one line, but it's yours if you can get there within the hour."

The guy says: "I want that part! Where is it and what's the line?"

The agent tells him the location and says: "the line is 'Hark! Hear the cannons roar!', can you remember that?"

Guy says: "Hark! Hear the cannons roar, I got it" and he hangs up the phone and is out like a shot. He catches a taxi and on the way there rehearses his line.

HARK! Hear the cannons roar! Hark! HEAR the cannons roar! all the way to the theatre. He gets there and rushes to the stage, where the stage director says: "You're just in time. You know your line?"

Guy says "Hark! Hear the CANNONS roar!". Stage manager gives him his costume -a guard outfit with spear- and he goes and stands where he's told, all along muttering "HARK! Hear the cannons ROAR, Hark, hear the cannons roar" when suddenly he hears a tremendous BOOM BOOM BOOMBOOM BOOM.

His ears are ringing and he turns and looks directly at the audience and yells "What the FUCK was that?"

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Poem:

 

Their were seven wise men with knowledge so fine

they created a pussy to their own design.

First was a butcher, quick with wit. Using his knife he gave it a slit.

Second was carpenter, strong and bold. With hammer and chisel he gave it a hole.

Third was a tailor, tall and thin. Using red velvet he lined it within.

Forth was a hunter, short and stout. using fox fur he lined it without.

Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, he threw in a fish and gave it a smell.

Sixth was a preacher, kind as can be. He kissed it and blessed it and said it could pee.

Last was a Sailor, dirty little runt, he licked and fucked it and called it a cunt.

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A sailing mate in Lauderdale used to smoke a LOT of pot. One day he was doing a trumpet on his buddy's front porch when his buddy's dog - a nasty big brute - wanders up the steps with a dead poodle in his jaws.

 

"Oh, shit," says my mate. "They'll kill your dog for that. The might kill us too."

 

"It belongs to the old neighbor," says his buddy. "She's out right now. Let's go back there and leave it in her back yard. She will think it just died of old age."

 

So they sneak back there, arrange the dead poodle on the grass, and connect it up to a leash they found. Then back to the porch for another well-needed joint.

 

Eventually the old girl comes home, and they hear a wild scream from the back yard. She stumbles up the steps onto their porch, carrying the corpse, and screeching: "You inhuman bastards...!"

 

"Looks like it just snuffed it. What did we do?"

 

"You sick bastards. My dog died three days ago and I buried it. What sickos can dig up a dog and put it back on its leash?"

 

Another joint....

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good thinking^^

Along those same lines, I have a kid in Africa that I sponsor, for less than the price of a cup of coffee a day....which btw...is waaaay cheaper than it was to send him over in the first place...

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After having a couple of outboard motors stolen in the Caribbean I wanted to rig my motor spark discharge coil in such a manner that if someone unauthorized tried to start the dinghy, when they got it running and reached back to put it in gear without disabling my anti theft circuitry (which would be an extra hidden switch) as soon as the gear shift lever clicked from neutral to forward or reverse it would complete the circuit between the tiller/throttle and knock the SOB out with the full charge of the Capacitor Discharge Ignition of of the outboard. I talked with some electrical engineer types and they liked the idea but since that circuit would be from one hand to the other they felt that the direct path of the current through the chest and heart might lead to death. That wasn't such a problem for me but never took those measures. The extra hidden switch did get put in and that was all that was needed. I sat on the FB of the ferryboat I was on duty of and watched a neighbor in the anchorage come down to the dinghy dock in the middle of the day who needed to get out to his boat and his old lady was off in the dinghy somewhere. He jumped in my dinghy to 'just borrow' it to run out to get something he needed at work. Not knowing about the extra kill switch he pulled and pulled and figured he had flooded the motor and pulled his Leatherman out and drained the float bowl in a desparate effort to get the damned thing working. He had shoved off from the dock before even attempting to start the motor and was drifting further and further out of the bay. I laughed and waited about 20 minutes before going out in and towing him back in. Probably best to not have witnessed a buddy getting shocked if I had done the full install.

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I went to my nearby CVS Pharmacy, straight to the back, where the Pharmacists' high counter is located.

I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter.
The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me.
I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?
Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along.

He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around.

Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.

When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, now, does that taste sweet to you?"

The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, "HELL NO!!!"

I said, "Oh, thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!"

I can never go back to that CVS, but I really don't care, because they aren't very friendly there anymore!

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I heard the only part of the Olympics that Trump watched was the pole vaulting ...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He was watching the Mexicans to see how high the wall needed to be ...

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A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl. They are box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodations. He didn't realize when he bought them that this is the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.

If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St Peter's Church in New York City at 5 PM. Her name is Donna. She will be the one in the white dress.

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The teacher asked young Billy to form a sentence using the word " Contagious " . Billy thought for a minute and answered - " When my dad saw the decorator coming up the garden path with a 2 inch brush he told my mum that if he's gonna paint the ceiling with that it'll take the contagious"

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The teacher asked young Billy to form a sentence using the word " Contagious " . Billy thought for a minute and answered - " When my dad saw the decorator coming up the garden path with a 2 inch brush he told my mum that if he's gonna paint the ceiling with that it'll take the contagious"

 

 

The teacher asked young Billy to form a sentence using the word "Fascinate" . Billy thought for a minute and answered - "My sister's blouse has ten buttons but her tits are so big she can only fascinate."

 

The teacher asked young Billy to form a sentence using the word "Beautiful" . Billy thought for a minute and answered - "When my sister came home and told my dad she was pregnant he said, "That's beautiful. Just. Fucking. Beautiful."

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The teacher asked young Billy to form a sentence using the word " Contagious " . Billy thought for a minute and answered - " When my dad saw the decorator coming up the garden path with a 2 inch brush he told my mum that if he's gonna paint the ceiling with that it'll take the contagious"

 

 

The teacher asked young Billy to form a sentence using the word "Fascinate" . Billy thought for a minute and answered - "My sister's blouse has ten buttons but her tits are so big she can only fascinate."

 

The teacher asked young Billy to form a sentence using the word "Beautiful" . Billy thought for a minute and answered - "When my sister came home and told my dad she was pregnant he said, "That's beautiful. Just. Fucking. Beautiful."

 

 

The teacher asked young Billy why he was late to school. "Well, my granddad got burned." "Oh, I hope it wasn't serious." "Serious? They don't fuck about at that crematoruim."

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The teacher asked young Billy to form a sentence using the word " Contagious " . Billy thought for a minute and answered - " When my dad saw the decorator coming up the garden path with a 2 inch brush he told my mum that if he's gonna paint the ceiling with that it'll take the contagious"

 

 

The teacher asked young Billy to form a sentence using the word "Fascinate" . Billy thought for a minute and answered - "My sister's blouse has ten buttons but her tits are so big she can only fascinate."

 

The teacher asked young Billy to form a sentence using the word "Beautiful" . Billy thought for a minute and answered - "When my sister came home and told my dad she was pregnant he said, "That's beautiful. Just. Fucking. Beautiful."

 

 

The teacher asked young Billy why he was late to school. "Well, my granddad got burned." "Oh, I hope it wasn't serious." "Serious? They don't fuck about at that crematoruim."

 

 

The teacher asked young Billy what he did at the weekend. "Well, I lit a firecracker, and stuffed it up a dog's arse." "Billy, that's wrong. You mean rectum." "Of course I bloody rectum. I blew his bloody balls off."

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A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off biker boy or you'll answer to me!"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago."

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I am fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, like: "I'm tired." "I'm washing my hair." "I've got a headache." "I am your sister-in-law."

Show original message

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman in labor is in pain and screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed. He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass, but N-O-O-O-O, you said that might hurt!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted. I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough. But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes nuts! Women, I can't figure them out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born, "I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said, "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a photo-copier."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Dr Phil: I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was jerking off, I turned to notice my wife was just standing there, arms folded... watching me. Is she a pervert or what?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy gets a call at work from the police telling him that his house had been robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes, then the guy says, "I can't believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Got this text from my brother recently. It read, "Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. For what it's worth, it reaches all the way to the back of her sister's pussy!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sorry for not calling you on New Year's, but I just got out of jail. I was locked up for punching the shit out of this idiot at a party. In my defense, when you hear an Arab counting down from 10 your instincts kick in.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My wife just came in and said, "I don't know if I'm coming or going." I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face you're going, because when you're coming you look like a squirrel trying to whistle!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I had sex with a girl named Penny. Is that spooky or what?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The missus asked me, "When you're on a "guys only" trip, do you think about me?" Apparently, "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly!" wasn't the right answer

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Shoot me if I posted this before....

 

Why is a condom like a woman?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They are both either on your cock or in your wallet. Unfortunately they both spend far more time in your wallet....

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GARDENING FOR THE HEARING IMPAIRED

 

I was working in the garden this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn't find the rake..

I yelled up to My wife, Where is the rake?"
She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?"

I pointed to my eye, and then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.
Then my wife wasn't sure and said "What?"
I repeated the gestures.
"Eye - Kneed - The Rake"

My wife replied that she understands and signals back.

She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her backside, and finally to her crotch.

Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one.
Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?

She replies,"
"Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush"

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Donald and Hillary Go Into A Bakery on the Campaign Trail
As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.

She says to Donald, "See how clever I am?
The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.”
I will definitely win the election.

Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit.
I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."

Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry.
Trump swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one.
Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks,"What did you do with the pastries?"

Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket".
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Why is the space between a woman's breasts and hips called a waist? - Because you could fit another pair of tits in there..

 

not at your age!!!!

 

Bastard :P

Why do so many men suffer premature ejaculation? Because they have to rush back to the pub to tell their mates what happened!

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Why is the space between a woman's breasts and hips called a waist? - Because you could fit another pair of tits in there..

 

not at your age!!!!

 

Bastard :P

Why do so many men suffer premature ejaculation? Because they have to rush back to the pub to tell their mates what happened!

 

 

Must be an antipodean thing... :rolleyes:

 

Suffer? He got his, didn't he? And if she isn't going to make him a sammich...

 

 

I think Derek won the Internet though, Bravo!

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Tyrone was having trouble in school, none of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, "You can't do anything right" and “You’re driving me insane, Tyrone.”


One day Tyrone’s mom came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mom honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career.


The mom was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.


25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardiac disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have a specialized heart operation, which only one surgeon could perform, and he practiced at the Cleveland Clinic in Ohio.


Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful. When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her.


She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died.


The doctor was shocked and couldn't figure out what went wrong.


When he turned around he saw our friend Tyrone working as a janitor in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment in order to connect his floor buffer.


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Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

 

“Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.”

 

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued,

"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight. “

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available.”

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A guy's mother in law is visiting and wife is out shopping, when MIL has a stroke.

 

He rushes her to the hospital where they take her into emergency surgery.

 

Doc comes out a couple hours later and says, "I have some good news and some bad news, which do you want first?"

 

Son in law says "Give me the bad news first"

 

Doc says "Well we saved her but she had massive brain damage. She can't talk and can only make a horrible screeching sound. She's paralyzed so you are going to have to feed her 3 times a day. And she's incontinent so you are going to have deal with diapers, keep her clean, all that stuff."

 

Son in law, says "Oh my god that's terrible! what's the good news?"

 

Doc says;

 

 

JUST KIDDING! SHE"S DEAD!!

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A guy's mother in law is visiting and wife is out shopping, when MIL has a stroke.

 

He rushes her to the hospital where they take her into emergency surgery.

 

Doc comes out a couple hours later and says, "I have some good news and some bad news, which do you want first?"

 

Son in law says "Give me the bad news first"

 

Doc says "Well we saved her but she had massive brain damage. She can't talk and can only make a horrible screeching sound. She's paralyzed so you are going to have to feed her 3 times a day. And she's incontinent so you are going to have deal with diapers, keep her clean, all that stuff."

 

Son in law, says "Oh my god that's terrible! what's the good news?"

 

Doc says;

 

 

JUST KIDDING! SHE"S DEAD!!

 

:lol:

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Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore and takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks," What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Frank, the dwarf." :lol::lol:

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  • 3 weeks later...

Imagine my joy when I was getting out the Christmas decorations and found a present I forgot to give my kids last year.

Their excited faces were a picture as they unwrapped it and opened the box.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Such a pity it was a puppy.

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