Jump to content

Recommended Posts

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’


So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.


‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.


Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.


‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.


She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.


I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.


She fainted.”


Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Replies 8k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Posts

I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for th

One sunny day in late January 2021, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,

Posted Images

An old, retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more for old time's sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, asks "How am I doing Darlin?"

The prostitute replies, "Well old sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"Three knots?" he asks, "What's that supposed to mean?"
She replies, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back."

Link to post
Share on other sites

An old, retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more for old time's sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

 

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, asks "How am I doing Darlin?"

 

The prostitute replies, "Well old sailor, you're doing about three knots."

 

"Three knots?" he asks, "What's that supposed to mean?"

She replies, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back."

 

HA!

Link to post
Share on other sites

lost my watch at a party once

An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.

 

Fifteen years ago I asked my high school crush out on a date, yesterday I asked her to marry me...
... She said no both times.
If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks.
Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.
Link to post
Share on other sites

This is a real dad joke. I know because my dad told it to me.

Suspend belief in reality….

A long, long time ago, in a land far, far away, where white men had never been seen and reservations had never been built. In a time before cowboys and the wild west and all that stuff, there was an old Indian chief who, because he was the chief, had three wives.

They had been doing the Indian war dance together and all three got pregnant at around the same time.

The pregnancies all progressed satisfactorily to full term without the intervention of doctors and Maternal and Child Health Nurses.

After 40 weeks the three wives all started labour at the same time and the chief got out three animal skins for them to use while they gave birth.

His favourite wife got the biggest and best, the skin of a hippopotamus. (Don’t ask how that happened, I said suspend belief in reality at the start!!!).

The second wife got a smaller skin, that of a Zebra.

The third wife had been an absolute bitch and was really on the outer so she was given the skin of a coyote.

After hours of labour, the second wife gave birth to a girl and was totally delighted.

A little while later, the first wife had a boy and there were shouts of joy across the tribe.

Some time later, the third wife gave birth as well and had a boy also. The tribe was ecstatic that three babies had been born alive and healthy.

After a while, they realised that the first wife and the second wife still were in labour and that they were going to have multiple births. This was cause for more celebrating within the tribe.

The second wife gave birth to another girl and the celebrations increased.

Then the first wife gave birth to a girl, the tribe were ecstatic.

Then she had another girl and everyone became frantic.

Once the celebration was over the chief came into the Wigwam and saw his wives and his six new children all comfortable on their hide beds.

He realised as he watched them that the Squaw on the hippopotamus equalled the sum of the Squaws on the other two hides.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport. You have to be driven there. I have made several trips there thanks to my children, friends, family and work.


I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable. I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there."


WL

Link to post
Share on other sites

My neighbourhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs..I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber...

LOL! I had frequented an Oyster bar near me for years where I enjoyed a few beers and a couple dozen raw on a regular basis.

They got raided and shut down by the local Sheriff for selling pills to customers. How come I never saw that side of the menu?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Moving to Chicago ....

Bob, a friend of mine was recently flying back home to Chicago and emailed me what had happened on his flight.

Bob was sitting on the plane waiting to fly to Chicago, when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck…pale, hands shaking in fear.

"What's the matter," Bob asked. "Afraid of flying?"

"No, it's not that. I've been transferred to Chicago. The people there are crazy, right? Lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation."

Bob replied, "I've lived in Chicago all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Just find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. I've worked there for 14 years and never had the slightest trouble."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you've lived and worked there all those years and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. By the way, what do you do for a living?"

"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

Link to post
Share on other sites

Moving to Chicago ....

Bob, a friend of mine was recently flying back home to Chicago and emailed me what had happened on his flight.

Bob was sitting on the plane waiting to fly to Chicago, when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreckpale, hands shaking in fear.

"What's the matter," Bob asked. "Afraid of flying?"

"No, it's not that. I've been transferred to Chicago. The people there are crazy, right? Lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation."

Bob replied, "I've lived in Chicago all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Just find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. I've worked there for 14 years and never had the slightest trouble."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you've lived and worked there all those years and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. By the way, what do you do for a living?"

"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

Can't breathe!

Link to post
Share on other sites

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, 'Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.'

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, 'No he didn't. He just walked in the door.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know -- put me down for a five."

Link to post
Share on other sites

An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department.

The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed.

"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.

"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul.

"But a man is sitting on the well!"

Link to post
Share on other sites

A sheriff walks into a saloon, and shouts for everyone's attention.

"Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?", he asks.

"What does he look like?", asks one of the cowboys at the bar.

"Well", replies the Sheriff, "he wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket. And he rode into town, sittin' on a brown paper saddle."

"So what's he wanted for?", asks the same cowboy.

"Rustlin' ".


The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at a saloon drinking, when in walks a cowboy who yells, "Who's white horse it that outside?"
The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the glass, turns around and says, "It's my horse. Why do you want to know?"
The cowboy looks at him and says, "Well, your horse is standing out there in the sun and he don't look too good."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger moves Silver into the shade and gets a bucket of water. He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink. It is then he notices that there isn't any breeze, so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down.
Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realizes there is not much more he can do, so he goes back to the bar and orders another whiskey.
After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, "Who's white horse is that outside?"
Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, "That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?"
"Nothing," replies the cowboy, "I just wanted to let you know that you left your Injun running."

Link to post
Share on other sites

In hindsight, I should probably have written on Facebook, "I've blown the head gasket on my 1998 Ford XR3," rather than,
"I've just @#$% a fourteen year old escort."
The police still haven't seen the funny side of it and they've confiscated my laptop.
However, the news isn't all bad.
The wife has gone to stay with her mother.

Link to post
Share on other sites

A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn't want to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doctor asks her what's wrong and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband any more.

The wife tells him, "For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'.

Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more."

The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"

Link to post
Share on other sites

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The young guy says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average sales to 25 to 30 customers a day.
This is gonna have to change very soon if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$124,548.88".
The boss, astonished, says $124,548.88??? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Chevrolet Suburban."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a SUV???"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Bro, your weekend's a mess, you should go fishing.

Link to post
Share on other sites

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The young guy says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average sales to 25 to 30 customers a day.

This is gonna have to change very soon if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$124,548.88".

The boss, astonished, says $124,548.88??? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Chevrolet Suburban."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a SUV???"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Bro, your weekend's a mess, you should go fishing.

:D:P :P

Link to post
Share on other sites

Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Annabel, age 87, wandered into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, “Do you know what I miss most of all?”

She asks “What?”

He replies “SEX!!!”

Annabel exclaims, “Why you old fart, you couldn’t get it up if I held a gun to your head!”

“I know”, Howard says, “but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while.”

“Well, I can oblige”, says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers and removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

They agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard’s manhood.

Then, one night, Howard didn’t show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K. She walked around the home until she found him sitting by the pool with Sarah, who was holding Howard’s manhood!

Furious, Annabel yelled, “You two-timing creep! What does she have that I don’t have?”

Howard smiled and replied “Parkinson’s!”

Link to post
Share on other sites

A Brit, German and a Texan were captured by a tribe of cannibals. While they were tied to stakes, the Chief announced, "We are going to skin you, then eat your meat and the dry your skins to make canoes. How do you want to die?"

 

The Brit with his stiff upper lip responded, "Give me a knife and get it over with quickly".

 

The German then said, I'll also take the knife".

 

The Chief said to the Texan, "And how shall you die".

 

The Texan said, "Give me a fork".

 

The Chief said that is a hard way to die.

 

The Texan looked him in the eye an said' "I'll tough it out, but your fucking canoes will not float".

Link to post
Share on other sites

True story.

 

A local newspaper reporter went to a retirement center to do a story on it.

 

While she was being toured around it she noticed an old guy who seemed to be getting a lot of attention from the female residents.

 

He seemed unexceptional so she asked the staff member with her about him.

 

"Oh, that's Joe - he gets all the girls because he can still drive at night".

Link to post
Share on other sites

A sheriff walks into a saloon, and shouts for everyone's attention.

"Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?", he asks.

"What does he look like?", asks one of the cowboys at the bar.

"Well", replies the Sheriff, "he wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket. And he rode into town, sittin' on a brown paper saddle."

"So what's he wanted for?", asks the same cowboy.

"Rustlin' ".

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at a saloon drinking, when in walks a cowboy who yells, "Who's white horse it that outside?"

The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the glass, turns around and says, "It's my horse. Why do you want to know?"

The cowboy looks at him and says, "Well, your horse is standing out there in the sun and he don't look too good."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger moves Silver into the shade and gets a bucket of water. He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink. It is then he notices that there isn't any breeze, so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down.

Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realizes there is not much more he can do, so he goes back to the bar and orders another whiskey.

After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, "Who's white horse is that outside?"

Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, "That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?"

"Nothing," replies the cowboy, "I just wanted to let you know that you left your Injun running."

 

230114_908223010.png

Link to post
Share on other sites
Why It's Good To Be A Man
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack...
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

WHY MEN LIE

 

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down in the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?"the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?"the Lord asked. "Yes", he replied. The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Beyonce. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, "Oh, forgive me, Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Beyonce, You would have come up with Shakira. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, and I love my wife such that I don't want her to share me with anyone, so THAT'S why I said yes to Beyonce."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and

honourable reason, and for the benefit of others.. MOSTLY his wife!

That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think my family is racist...

When I brought my black girlfriend home to meet them, my wife and daughter wouldn't even talk to her!


They say a woman's work is never done...

Which is probably why they get paid less.


A Scotsman, an Englishman and a Jew go into a restaurant early one morning, sit down and start eating. They continue to chomp through several kilograms of food, until finally at around 4pm, they decide they can't possibly fit another thing into their bloated bellies. So they call for the bill: the waiter brings out the bill and hands it to the Englishman, who nearly dies when he reads, "$650.00." The Scotsman says, "I'll pay for that."

Next morning, the locals pick up the local paper and read the front page headline, "JEWISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND DEAD BEHIND RESTAURANT."

Link to post
Share on other sites

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example… One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion started to heat up, but then she said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day, I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, high-end department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a tsunami. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. But, I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She appeared to be almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear; let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said "Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.

You're just not in touch with my financial means as a man, enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently, no sex tonight either!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Paul had been deaf all of his life, so it was assumed he would be perfect for the job. A deaf guy couldn't hear anything that he would have to testify in court, after all.

When the leader found out, he went to confront Paul with an interpreter, one who knows ASL. "Ask him where the $10 million he stole from me is," he demanded.

The interpreter signs this to Paul, to which he signs back "I don't know what you're talking about." The godfather pulls out a gun and puts it to Paul's head and tells the interpreter, "Ask him again!"

The interpret asks again, signing "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!" Paul signs back, "Alright, alright! The money is in a brown suitcase behind the shed of my estate in Queens!"

The interpreter says nothing. After a few seconds, the godfather asks, "Well, what'd he say?" The interpreter smiles and says " He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

 

 

 

 

I told my girlfriend we can either have sex, or go see Star Wars.
She said "I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out," but she pulled some strings and got me in.
Link to post
Share on other sites

This thread is an infinite source of comedic material. Pick a page, any page, and there are gems awaiting.

 

 

when I'm old and nothing better to do, I'm going through the now 5000+ posts and see how many were repeats...

 

 

 

and now from page 25

 

 

 

There were three dogs at a veternarian's office, all of them looked sad. The first one asked the second, “Why are you here?” The dog replied, “I'm getting put to sleep because I kept peeing on my owners' new rug.”

The first dog said, “I know how you feel -- I'm getting put to sleep because I peed in my owner's new car.” They both looked at the third dog and said, “Why are you here?” The dog sighed and said, “Well my owner likes to clean in the nude and one day she bent over and I gave her the ride of her life.”

“So you're getting put to sleep too?” asked the other dogs. “No. I'm getting my nails clipped.”

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

This thread is an infinite source of comedic material. Pick a page, any page, and there are gems awaiting.

 

 

when I'm old and nothing better to do, I'm going through the now 5000+ posts and see how many were repeats...

 

 

 

and now from page 25

 

 

 

There were three dogs at a veternarian's office, all of them looked sad. The first one asked the second, “Why are you here?” The dog replied, “I'm getting put to sleep because I kept peeing on my owners' new rug.”

The first dog said, “I know how you feel -- I'm getting put to sleep because I peed in my owner's new car.” They both looked at the third dog and said, “Why are you here?” The dog sighed and said, “Well my owner likes to clean in the nude and one day she bent over and I gave her the ride of her life.”

“So you're getting put to sleep too?” asked the other dogs. “No. I'm getting my nails clipped.”

 

 

ah, number 27

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

 

This thread is an infinite source of comedic material. Pick a page, any page, and there are gems awaiting.

 

when I'm old and nothing better to do, I'm going through the now 5000+ posts and see how many were repeats...

 

 

 

and now from page 25

 

 

There were three dogs at a veternarian's office, all of them looked sad. The first one asked the second, Why are you here? The dog replied, I'm getting put to sleep because I kept peeing on my owners' new rug.

The first dog said, I know how you feel -- I'm getting put to sleep because I peed in my owner's new car. They both looked at the third dog and said, Why are you here? The dog sighed and said, Well my owner likes to clean in the nude and one day she bent over and I gave her the ride of her life.

So you're getting put to sleep too? asked the other dogs. No. I'm getting my nails clipped.

ah, number 27

...I see what you did there.....spicy brochri chicken??????

Link to post
Share on other sites

Little Johnny was just a head, born without arms, legs or a torso.
He just sits on the mantelpiece all day.

Today's his birthday, and his mum and dad come in and give him a present.

Johnny looks down at them from the mantelpiece and say's, "Not another F##### hat??"

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

This thread is an infinite source of comedic material. Pick a page, any page, and there are gems awaiting.

 

 

when I'm old and nothing better to do, I'm going through the now 5000+ posts and see how many were repeats...

 

 

 

and now from page 25

 

 

 

There were three dogs at a veternarian's office, all of them looked sad. The first one asked the second, “Why are you here?” The dog replied, “I'm getting put to sleep because I kept peeing on my owners' new rug.”

The first dog said, “I know how you feel -- I'm getting put to sleep because I peed in my owner's new car.” They both looked at the third dog and said, “Why are you here?” The dog sighed and said, “Well my owner likes to clean in the nude and one day she bent over and I gave her the ride of her life.”

“So you're getting put to sleep too?” asked the other dogs. “No. I'm getting my nails clipped.”

 

 

That's still an absolute classik!

Link to post
Share on other sites

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said; "I'm sorry, your duck (Cuddles) has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed; "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead." replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said; "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried; "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!?"
The vet shrugged; "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but... with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.

 

==============================================================

 

 

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now completely nude, she purred at him,
"What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at the chest; they are full and 100% natural.
I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me...

Link to post
Share on other sites

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s pain to the baby's father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before.
However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and "kick it up a notch."
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

 

 

This thread is an infinite source of comedic material. Pick a page, any page, and there are gems awaiting.

 

when I'm old and nothing better to do, I'm going through the now 5000+ posts and see how many were repeats...

 

 

 

and now from page 25

 

 

 

There were three dogs at a veternarian's office, all of them looked sad. The first one asked the second, Why are you here? The dog replied, I'm getting put to sleep because I kept peeing on my owners' new rug.

The first dog said, I know how you feel -- I'm getting put to sleep because I peed in my owner's new car. They both looked at the third dog and said, Why are you here? The dog sighed and said, Well my owner likes to clean in the nude and one day she bent over and I gave her the ride of her life.

So you're getting put to sleep too? asked the other dogs. No. I'm getting my nails clipped.

ah, number 27

...I see what you did there.....spicy brochri chicken??????

 

http://forums.sailinganarchy.com/index.php?showtopic=1776&view=findpost&p=940909

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

 

This thread is an infinite source of comedic material. Pick a page, any page, and there are gems awaiting.

 

 

when I'm old and nothing better to do, I'm going through the now 5000+ posts and see how many were repeats...

 

 

 

and now from page 25

 

 

 

There were three dogs at a veternarian's office, all of them looked sad. The first one asked the second, “Why are you here?” The dog replied, “I'm getting put to sleep because I kept peeing on my owners' new rug.”

The first dog said, “I know how you feel -- I'm getting put to sleep because I peed in my owner's new car.” They both looked at the third dog and said, “Why are you here?” The dog sighed and said, “Well my owner likes to clean in the nude and one day she bent over and I gave her the ride of her life.”

“So you're getting put to sleep too?” asked the other dogs. “No. I'm getting my nails clipped.”

 

 

That's still an absolute classik!

 

You asked for the old times of SA

 

A poll was conducted recently asking why men like blow jobs'

10% liked the sensation

12% enjoy the feeling of dominance

78% appreciate the 10 minutes of silence

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+ year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?
'What's that?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'
We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night.'
We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?

 

 

 

hey maybe she's only 74

Link to post
Share on other sites

Jeff and Mike were in an accident, and killed instantly.
Upon Jeff's arrival to the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter.
"Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked.
St. Peter replies, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven."
Jeff was bothered by this and asked, "Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?"
So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous sexy blonde in a bikini, and a keg of beer.
"I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell," says Jeff.
"It's not as it appears to be," says St. Peter. "You see, the keg has a hole in it, and the blonde doesn't.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

Nicola Sturgeon (The First Minister of Scotland) is touring Perthshire in the First Minister's chauffeur driven car. Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop. Nicola in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur : " You get out and check - you were driving." The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. " You were driving, go and tell the farmer," says Nicola, "I can't afford to be blamed for anything." The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face. " My God, what happened to you ?" asks Nicola. The chauffeur replies : " When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap up meal and the daughter made love to me." " What on earth did you say?" asks Nicola. "I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them, 'I'm Nicola Sturgeon's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.'"

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

Jeff and Mike were in an accident, and killed instantly.
Upon Jeff's arrival to the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter.
"Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked.
St. Peter replies, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven."
Jeff was bothered by this and asked, "Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?"
So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous sexy blonde in a bikini, and a keg of beer.
"I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell," says Jeff.
"It's not as it appears to be," says St. Peter. "You see, the keg has a hole in it, and the blonde doesn't.

 

there's gotta be at least one hole there...

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

 

 

Jeff and Mike were in an accident, and killed instantly.

Upon Jeff's arrival to the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter.

"Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked.

St. Peter replies, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven."

Jeff was bothered by this and asked, "Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?"

So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous sexy blonde in a bikini, and a keg of beer.

"I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell," says Jeff.

"It's not as it appears to be," says St. Peter. "You see, the keg has a hole in it, and the blonde doesn't.

there's gotta be at least one hole there...

Remember the 78% appreciate silence?

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

 

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and hips called a waist? - Because you could fit another pair of tits in there..

 

not at your age!!!!

 

Bastard :P

Why do so many men suffer premature ejaculation? Because they have to rush back to the pub to tell their mates what happened!

 

NO! It's that they have to run back to the bloody pub to brag to their mates about what happened BEFORE THEY FALL ASLEEP!

 

Absolutely a-MAAZ-in to me the capacity of the Female to be amused by the sleep-reflex inflicted on the Male by The Rut! Feckin' Elk DIE of it, Tigers (male and female) like a siesta after, Giraffes (male) have to be careful not to step on "'Is Majesty" afterwards, as he doesn'a shrink quick-like, Bluidy anyone as knows what the Sperm Whale endures,

 

Fook.

 

....................................................................................................................................................

 

So. There's this Pastor (Pastor Pusey) in Louisiana as is goin' down the road when he sees one of his parishoners on the side of the road with a car that's smokin' but not movin'.

He stops and asks what the matter may be and the parishoner (female) says the car just started smokin' and stopped goin'. LAWD Awmighty!

 

The Pastor removes his coat and shimmies under the car to see what the problem may be, but while under the car, a LOOZIANA State Pa-atrol car pulls up and the Occo-pant, be get out and survey the sicchiation.

 

He walk over and tap the Pastores foot.... "Yo! Get you ass out from undah de cah!"

 

"Offisah, you doa'n unnerstan! I IS Pastor Pusey!"

 

 

"I doan' be give a shit you halfway up her ass! You BES' git' yo' ass out heah NOW!!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, racisim. Y'know? Racisim.

 

"Does you believe in Integration?"

 

"Nawssuh!"

 

"OK. Does you believe in SEGREGATION?"

 

"Nawssuh!"

 

"Den WHUT do de prospective juror believe in?"

 

"Ah is believe in slavery, Suh".

 

""Scoose me? Did y'all say SLAVERY?"

 

"Yassuh. Dem blackies b'longs mah fields and NOT in no voting booth."

 

 

You don't think so?

Link to post
Share on other sites

OK

 

Who was offended by the previous two posts?

 

Why? (Seriously)

 

..............................................................................................

 

If you were offended, start a second thread and expound your reasoning, WITHOUT the Trumpistic solopisms.

 

.............................................................................................

 

 

If not offended, perhaps you need to re-examine your ethical foundations ?

 

...........................................................................................

Link to post
Share on other sites

It was said that frayed knot is gouvernails new screen name which explains the idiotic nature of his posts.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I saw this girl crying in the pub so I went up to her and asked what was wrong.

"I split up with my boyfriend because he's a sexist pig."

"I'm a great listener if you want to tell me more." I replied.

"But you don't even know me," She cried, "why would you want to listen to me?"

I said "Because you have nice tits."

Link to post
Share on other sites

^ one never knows; she just might appreciate his honesty, over some trite pickup line.

 

 

 

_________________________________

 

 

 

A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.

"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap??"

"Because the dog's a damn liar. He never did any of that shit."

Link to post
Share on other sites

REPOST???

 

 

 

A MALE FAIRY TALE

 

Once upon a time, a handsome Dude asked a beautiful Blonde, "Will you marry me?"

The Blonde immediately said, "No!"

 

And the Dude lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women, and hunted and fished and raced cars, and went to titty bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan, and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony, and dated cheerleaders and kept his house and guns, and ate spam and potato chips and beans, and blew enormous farts, and never got cheated on while he was at work, and all his friends and family thought he was cool as heck, and he had tons of money in the bank, and left the toilet seat up.

 

The End.

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

The other day, I got pulled over by a woman cop. I rolled down my window and when she walked up, I asked her what I did wrong. She said "NOTHING!" and stomped away
Link to post
Share on other sites

 

 

The other day, I got pulled over by a woman cop. I rolled down my window and when she walked up, I asked her what I did wrong. She said "NOTHING!" and stomped away

 

 

I'm going to burn in hell for laughing at that! :lol::lol:

 

Youlle haive plenney of companey. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money

> for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started

> canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

>

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

 

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said.

 

"How much will you charge me?"

 

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

 

The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

 

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

 

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.

>

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."

>

A few > hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money..

>

"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.

>

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."

>

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.

 

"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

Link to post
Share on other sites

The three shortest books ever written:

 

Italian War Heroes

 

Jewish Businessman's Book of Ethics

 

Niggers Iv'e Met Sailing

 

What is this?

 

1959?

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

The three shortest books ever written:

Italian War Heroes

Jewish Businessman's Book of Ethics

Niggers Iv'e Met Sailing

 

What is this?

 

1959?

You wish it was 1959. This is the Trump decade. Still clinging to PC? Sad.

Link to post
Share on other sites