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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for th

One sunny day in late January 2021, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,

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An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches
 
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"
 
The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
 
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
 
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
 
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
 
"No, it's turned black!

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Three idiots find an old lamp on the beach. Out pops a genie, "Three wishes, that's one each schmucks."

First idiot: "I wish I had an island in the Pacific, endless money, and lots of whiskey and girls."   POOOOF!! And it was so.

Second idiot: "I wish I was there on that island."  POOOF!! And it was so.

Third idiot: "It's gone awful quiet, I wish those two were back here............................    

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Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland, UK:
 
1.BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT
2.FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
3.FORM A LOOSE GRIP
4.KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
5.STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7.IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8.DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9.QUIET PLEASE, WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10.DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
 
WELL DONE. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL,
GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.
 
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:lol:

I've got a brass plaque that is supposedly a real antique from a Scottish golf club.

 

Gentlemen golfers are requested to only wash their balls in the sinks provided and not elsewhere.

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My wife's just been checking to see if she has everything ready for her first solo parachute jump tomorrow.

I said "Have you got a spare pair of knickers with you?" "What, in case I shit myself?" She replied with a laugh.

"No". I said "In case your main chute doesn't open".

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DEAR DIARY - DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets.
Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers decided on this "all-girls" trip. It will be my first one - and I can't wait!

DEAR DIARY - DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 3
At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 4
I won $800.00 in the ship's casino. The Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 5
Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. The Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 6
Today I saved over 2600 lives.

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Old one but it was the first laugh I had today

NUDE BEACH ....... !!!

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach...

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger

than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother

that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother:

'Daddy is talking to the 
silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.

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So Freddie, who was a bit thick, got a new job that required him to have his own transportation.  Freddie had never owned a car before, and went directly to the used car lot on Main Street, just down the block from his favorite diner.

Freddie, who was a bit thick, didn't have much money but figured he could maybe spend about $500 for a car.  At the used car lot on Main Street, right down from his favorite diner, he found a car that had a large $500 sign stuck in the windshield.  So Freddie, who was a bit thick, asked the used car salesman how much for the car.  The salesman says "Freddie, you must be a bit thick, cause the sign right in the windshield says $500.  But I tell you what, Freddie.  You bring me cash and I'll discount the price by 5%". 

Freddie leaves to go home to get his money, but being a bit thick, couldn't finger out how much the car would actually cost after a 5% discount.  So he goes into his favorite diner, which was right down the block there on Main Street.  He sits down and has an idea, which doesn't happen often because he knows he's a bit thick.  But he looks at Doris, his favorite waitress at his favorite diner on Mainstreet, and asks "Doris?  If I gave you a $500 tip and you discounted it by 5%, how much would you take off?"

Doris looks at Freddie, who is usually a bit thick, and replies "Honey, you give me $500 and I'll take off everything but my earings."

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Three young blokes having a beer at the pub.

An old bloke walks up, points at one of them, says "Your Mom likes it long and deep and rough" and wanders off. Young bloke's mates are upset, he calms them down.

Old bloke comes back, points at same kid, says "Your Mom squeals like a pig when I  give it to her" and wanders off. His mates get angry, he calms them down.

Old bloke comes over again, says "Your Mom likes it up the ass when she's drunk".

Young bloke says "That's not funny Dad, just fuck off home."

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  • 2 weeks later...

I thought my new girlfriend might be the one.

But after looking through her nicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided; if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me...:)

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The missus said last nite “hey let's go upstairs for a shag“. I said "ok luv, after the ball game“.

She said “u do realise u can record it“. I said "niiice, get the camcorder & wait upstairs, I'll be up after the game”

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A woman was nearing the end of her tether – every night her husband was snored so loudly that it kept her awake.

She decided to call the family doctor to see if there was anything that could be done to relieve her nightly suffering.

“Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband of his snoring,”  said the doctor, “but I must warn you that it is rather expensive. It
will cost you a deposit of £15,000, and payments of £1,000 for 48 months, as well as money for extras.”

“Good grief!” exclaimed the woman. “That sounds like I’m buying a yacht!”

“Hmm,” the doctor murmured, “too obvious, huh?

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"Daddy why do people hang horses ?" asked my daughter.
"Nobody hangs horses darling " I consoled her "who told you that people hang horses ?".
"I just heard mummy on the phone saying that her new boss was hung like a horse".

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My buddy was eating at a fast food place. This teenage girl in a wheelchair comes in with her parents and has a total fit. They're trying to order and the girl's just being a nasty by screaming, rolling all over her parents, and just being plain rude to the employees. So, this old guy with these super thick glasses walks over and politely tries to calm the girl down by saying how everyone is doing their best and stuff, and the girl just yells at him too. The guy says he's just trying to give his two cents and leaves the girl to be.

The girl and her parents get their food. As they're on their way out, the girl rolls over to the old man and says sarcastically, "Nice glasses." Without even straying from his calm demeanor the old man says, "Nice legs."

(from https://www.knowable.com/a/people-share-the-greatest-i-don-t-give-a-damn-moments-they-ve-witnessed-in-pub/p-4 )

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 8/4/2017 at 3:10 PM, bmiller said:

No joke.

I was at the eye doc office getting a frame adjusted. Office gal is on the phone talking to someone about an appt. She said they couldn't get right away as the doc was out of the country, he's in Alaska.

 

He might be an optical Aleutian

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Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their dogs. The mother superior is first to open hers.
She begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

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A guy gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The guy looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the guy, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The guy of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some luminous powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The guy decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the guy walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The guy agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the guy finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the guy from the bus! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

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The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation, 'Has anybody got a cock?  All the men stood up. 'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?'  All the women stood up.  'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn' t belong to them?'  Half the women stood up.  'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?'  Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

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Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.';)

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Eventually an embarrassed husband went to the doctor and told him he had trouble getting an erection, & that it was causing problems with his wife.

The doctor checked his blood pressure and other vitals, all seemed fine. After a thorough examination he said he wanted to check with the wife.

When she arrived, he took her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly. She did as instructed.

He then told her to raise her arms above her head and turn around again. He than asked her to bend right over, try to touch her toes and cough.

Finally he said, "OK, good thanks. You can get dressed now please”.

The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband, "Well, you can relax, there is absolutely nothing at all wrong with you.

I couldn't get an erection either."

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A Pakistani dies and goes to Heaven. .

He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them. ....

"Yes?", asks St. Peter. .

"I am here for Jesus", says the Pakistani. .

St Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus, your taxi's here"

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On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

 
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On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

 
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A cowboy is walking through the desert when he come across a gate with a dog sitting next to it. As he tries to go through the gate the dog starts growling at him, he tries to go past, but the dog gets more vicious.
The cowboy thinks to himself "well, hes just doing his job" so he shoots the dog in the foot, and walks on.

Days later the cowboy is sitting in a salloon, just you know, chilling out. Then suddenly the doors open, and there is the dog. Their eyes meet from across the room, and the cowboy begins to reach for his gun. Before he can get to it though the dog quickly jumps him, and rips him apart in the middle of the salloon.

After this grousome encounter the barman says to the dog "whoa, what did you do that for, seems a bit rough".

The dog replies..

" I had to do it.. he shot mah paw.."

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A man walks up to a bar and asks "got any lamps?" The barman says "No. We're a bar, we don't sell lamps." The man walks out of the bar and goes home.

The next day the same man walks into the bar and asks the barman "got any lamps?" The barman says "no, I told you yesterday we are a bar and we don't sell lamps." The man walks out of the bar and goes home.

The man did this every day for a week until the barman said "Look! I'm getting really pissed off with you asking me if we sell lamps! We don't! If you ever ask me again I'm going to nail you to the wall!"

The next day the man walks into the bar and says "got any hammers?" The barman angrily shakes his head... "Good," the man says. "Got any lamps?"

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A man goes to a psychiatrist, and tells him "Doc, I think I have an obsession with sex." The doctor agrees to examine him and begins by showing him various drawings. First the doctor draws a square and asks the man to identify it. The man immediately says "sex". Next the doctor draws a circle, which the man again identifies as sex. Thirdly, the doctor draws a triangle, which of course the patient identifies as "sex". The doctor puts the drawings away and says to the patient, "Yes, I do believe that you have an obsession with sex." To which the man replies, "I'm not the one with the obsession! YOU'RE the one drawing all the dirty pictures!"

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An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang.' Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?" The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

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A man dies and finds himself in a small room furnished with a couch and TV. There's another guy sitting on the couch, watching the screen.

"So, is this heaven or hell?" he asks the guy on the couch.

"Well, there are no windows or doors, and no apparent way out," the man answers.

"So it's hell?"

"I don't know," says the other guy, without looking up. "They did give us this nice big TV."

"So maybe it's heaven."

"Maybe, but it has only one channel," the man counters.

"Oh, so maybe it's hell?"

"Well, the station it gets is pretty good - it's PBS."

"So maybe this is heaven after all?"

"Yeah, except for one thing," the other guy says sadly. "It's always pledge week."

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A man applying for a job at a Yuma Lemon Orchard seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this: Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

He replied: "I've been divorced three times, bought a Pinto, a Beta video player, follow the Bears, and  supported the Democrat Party. Then I voted for Bernie, and then Hillary.

"How am I doing so far?":confused:

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An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer says, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE." The woman gives him her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from New York. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.

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A father, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family at the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his daughter out for a drive in the car.

One particular Sunday however, he was so full of cold that he really didn't feel like driving at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and decided that for this week she would take their daughter out.

They returned just before lunch and the little girl ran upstairs to see her father.

"Well" the father asked, "did you enjoy your ride with mummy?"

"Oh yes Daddy" the girl replied, "and do you know what...we didn't see a single bastard!"

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Colonel Wilson was being replaced in Her Majesty's remote outpost in Kenya by Colonel Jones-Smythe.  He gave the incoming commander the dime tour of the post, followed by gin and tonics, and some cucumber sandwiches. 

The new CO said, "you've done a very impressive job out here old chap... I see why they think highly of you in Whitehall.  Very impressive indeed." 

"Why that's nothing, Jonesy.  You haven't seen the best part of this station."

Jones-Smythe's curiosity was piqued.  "The best part?"

"Yes, my aide, Captain Smithers.  He's staying of course.  Fantastic chap, Smithers.  Brilliant soldier, anticipates every need, life of the party, and quick with his razor sharp wit!  A bit mouthy though." 

At that Wilson called for his Aide. "Smithers!" 

A moment later a hunchback staggered in, dragging a non-functioning leg.  A big chunk of his hair was missing, one eye had a huge growth coming out of the center, his teeth were snaggled and rotting, and he was shaking as if suffering from Parkinson's. 

"Smithers, tell Colonel Jones-Smythe about yourself." 

"Well sir, I attended Eaton, won a First in mathematics at Oxford, captained the rugby team in the Varsity Match, finished first in my class at Sandhurst, and represented England in the Olympics in Judo, plus I. . ."

"Enough, Smithers!" shouted Wilson.  "We know about all that... just tell Jonesy here about the day you told the witch doctor to 'fuck right off'." 

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6 hours ago, Lex Teredo said:

Colonel Wilson was being replaced in Her Majesty's remote outpost in Kenya by Colonel Jones-Smythe.  He gave the incoming commander the dime tour of the post, followed by gin and tonics, and some cucumber sandwiches. 

The new CO said, "you've done a very impressive job out here old chap... I see why they think highly of you in Whitehall.  Very impressive indeed." 

"Why that's nothing, Jonesy.  You haven't seen the best part of this station."

Jones-Smythe's curiosity was piqued.  "The best part?"

"Yes, my aide, Captain Smithers.  He's staying of course.  Fantastic chap, Smithers.  Brilliant soldier, anticipates every need, life of the party, and quick with his razor sharp wit!  A bit mouthy though." 

At that Wilson called for his Aide. "Smithers!" 

A moment later a hunchback staggered in, dragging a non-functioning leg.  A big chunk of his hair was missing, one eye had a huge growth coming out of the center, his teeth were snaggled and rotting, and he was shaking as if suffering from Parkinson's. 

"Smithers, tell Colonel Jones-Smythe about yourself." 

"Well sir, I attended Eaton, won a First in mathematics at Oxford, captained the rugby team in the Varsity Match, finished first in my class at Sandhurst, and represented England in the Olympics in Judo, plus I. . ."

"Enough, Smithers!" shouted Wilson.  "We know about all that... just tell Jonesy here about the day you told the witch doctor to 'fuck right off'." 

:lol:

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14 hours ago, warbird said:

I dread to think where I d be now if my daughter hadn't found that lump on my testicle?

That reminds me of the infamous ...

How do you know your dad is gay?

.

.

.

When his dick tastes like shit.

 

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Is this the future of our privacy????

 

The Telephone is dialled for Gordon's Pizza --------- Brrrrrrr Brrrrrr Brrrrrrr Brrrrrrr

 

“Hello, - is this Gordon's Pizza?”

 

“No, sir - it's Google’s Pizza.”

 

“I must have dialled a wrong number.  Sorry.”

 

“No, sir, this is the correct number. Google bought Gordon's Pizza last month.”

 

“Oh!  Okay then - I would like to order a pizza.”

 

“Do you want your usual, sir?”

 

“My usual?  You know me?”

 

“According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three kinds of cheese, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.*

 

“Right! That's just what I want.”

 

“May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat, gluten-free, thin crust?”

 

“What?  I detest vegetables!”

 

“Your cholesterol is not good, sir.”

 

“How the hell do you know that?”

 

“Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.”

 

“Okay, okay – but I don’t want your awful vegetable pizza - I already take medication for my cholesterol.”

 

“Excuse me, sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.  According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drugsale Network, 4 months ago.”

 

“I bought more from another drugstore.”

 

“That doesn't show on your credit card statement.”

 

“I paid in cash.”

 

“But you did not withdraw enough cash, according to your bank statement.”

 

“I have other sources of cash.”

 

“That doesn't show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source,   which is against the law.”

 

“WHAT THE HELL? ! ! ! !”

 

“I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.”

 

“Enough!  I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others!!  I'm going to an island without the Internet, without cable TV – someplace where there is no cell phone service and no one to spy on me!!” 

 

“I understand, sir.  But do you know that you need to renew your passport first?  It expired 6 weeks ago.”

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A priest says to his friend, the rabbi, that he has developed a plan of eating for free in really good restaurants.


"I simply go in at well past 9 pm, eat several courses slowly, and linger over coffee, dessert, and a cigar until they are cleaning up. I keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay. Then I say, 'I've already paid my original waiter who has left for the night.' And, because I am a man of the cloth, the waiter takes my word for it, and I just simply walk out the front door as calm as can be."

The rabbi, clearly impressed says, "Let's try it together this evening."

The priest agrees and books them into an expensive, 5-Star Italian restaurant.

They both eat like kings and, just as before, right at 2 am, they are both sitting quietly after enjoying their very full meal.

Sure enough, a waiter comes over and hands the priest and the rabbi a bill and asks them to pay.

The priest calmly says: "I've already paid our original waiter who has left for the evening."

And then the rabbi adds: "And we're still waiting for the change!"

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Catholic Heart Attack

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.  The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.  The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

 

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to.  A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen.  She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

 

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

 

He replied in a

 

raspy voice, "No health insurance."

 

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

 

He replied, "No money in the bank."

 

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

 

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

 

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!  Nuns are married to God."

 

The patient replied, "Perfect.  Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

 

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A winters night and the tight fisted Scotsman is dressing to go out. He tells his wife to to fetch her coat and hat. She says hopefully " Jocko, will ye be takin me to the pub wit you?"

He replies, "Nae lassie, I'll be shuttin off the heat!"

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So John is proofreading the Revelation that God dictated to him. He is reading it back to God to make sure he got it right.

John: "At the end times, the angels with flaming swords will cut down the harlots and the unbelievers. Their blood will run up to the horses bridle.
You will know the end is near because of the sound of the trumpets."

God: "Pretty close but the end is near because of Trump / Pence."

John: "That's what I said trumpets."

God: "Close enough they will figure it out."

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On 11/22/2017 at 7:08 PM, SloopJonB said:

So John is proofreading the Revelation that God dictated to him. He is reading it back to God to make sure he got it right.

John: "At the end times, the angels with flaming swords will cut down the harlots and the unbelievers. Their blood will run up to the horses bridle.
You will know the end is near because of the sound of the trumpets."

God: "Pretty close but the end is near because of Trump / Pence."

John: "That's what I said trumpets."

God: "Close enough they will figure it out."

How many times are you gonna post that lame joke?

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First time I've seen it. I actually think it's clever and funny. And I'm a die hard right-winger.  Unlike most on the left, I can enjoy a good joke at the expense of my political side.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke (that's the only place they could smoke at the nursing home) when it started to rain.
One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady Two asked, "What's that?"
Lady One replied, "A condom."
Lady Two asked, "Where'd you get it?"
Lady One replied, "You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day, Lady Two hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, in her 80s), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
"Doesn't matter," she replies, "as long as it fits a Camel."

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A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbucks cafe discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "well we Greeks built the Parthenon" and arched his eyebrows.

The Scotsman replies, "well ... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."

The Greek retorts, "we Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars."

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "the Greeks were the ones who invented sex!"

The Scotsman replies, "aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to women!

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WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack...
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.

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  • 4 weeks later...

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past.

The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?”

The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.

At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!”

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend.

He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!


The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!”

The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”

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9 minutes ago, Bump-n-Grind said:

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past.

The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?”

The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.

At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!”

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend.

He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!


The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!”

The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”

 

golf clap...

 

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On 3/1/2004 at 4:36 PM, Pedro said:

A piece of string walks in to a bar, sits down and orders a beer.

 

Bartender says "Hey! We don't serve your kind in here! Get Out!"

 

As the string slinks out he sees another piece of string going in.

 

"Don't bother. They don't want us here."

 

Second piece of string ties himself into a figure eight and slaps himself against the wall, walks in, sits down and orders a beer.

 

Bartender says "Hey! You look like string! We don't serve string in here! Are you string?"

 

Second string says "Nope. Frayed knot."

Dammit.  I HATE that joke.

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An Indian named Chief Bowels lived in a teepee on the reservation. One day he received a letter from the state division of highways that said that they were going to build a freeway and it would go right through where his teepee was located and he would have to move.

He was very upset about this because his ancestors had lived in that exact place for many generations.

He decided to go into town to talk to someone and get them to change the route of the freeway.

He arrived in town but didn't know where to go so he asked someone for directions to the local office of the highway department. He was told to go three blocks straight ahead then turn left for two blocks and it would be on the right.

He went three blocks straight ahead then turned right and went into the building on the left. It was a drugstore.

The druggist asked him if he could help him and the Indian replied. "Bowels no move!"

"Oh," said the druggist. That's no problem. Take this twice a day for a week." he said, as he gave the Indian a bottle of medicine.

The Indian left and one week later the he returned. "Hello," said the druggist. "Did that medicine work?"

"Bowels still no move!" said the Indian.

"Well, well," said the druggist. "It appears that we will have to use something a little stronger. Take this four times a day for a week."

The Indian left and one week later he returned. "Hello again," said the druggist. "How are you doing?"

"Bowels still no move!" said the Indian.

"Oh my goodness!" said the druggist. "This really calls for something drastic. This is the most powerful treatment in existance. Take it eight times a day for a week."

The Indian left and one week later he returned. When the druggist saw him he asked, "bowels move?"

"Fine fine you win, Bowels have to move" said the Indian. "Teepee full of shit!"

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29 minutes ago, Snaggletooth said:

My nonna usse to saye "Dointe lette the bastirds waerre you dowe"    Chin up, an give a smille.                       :)

OK, thanks, I'll settle down. Here's one for the asshats.

What’s the number one pick up line at a gay bar?

“May I push your stool in?”

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A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home early from a friend’s house, hears, and hides in the closet.
Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.
Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball.”
Man: “That’s nice.”
Boy: “Want to buy it?”
Man: “No, thanks.”
Boy: “My dad’s outside.”
Man: “OK, how much?”
Boy: “$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.

Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball glove.”
Man: “That’s nice.”
Boy: “Want to buy it?”
Man: “No, thanks.”
Boy: “I’ll tell.”
Man: “How much?”
Boy: “$750.”
Man: “Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy,
“Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!”
The boy says, “I can’t. I sold them.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
The son says, “$1,000.”
The father says, “That’s terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that shit again.”

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Sixteen-year-old daughter from a very proper family is allowed out unsupervised at night with her friends for the first time.

Mom tells her she must be home by 11:00pm and no drinking.

Girl comes home at 10:50, sober. Mom says she's proud of her.

Mom notices daughter's hair is full of rice.

"Gosh, you didn't say you were going to a wedding, sweetie?"

"It wasn't a wedding Mom. I was giving head to a Chinaman and he vomited on my head."

 

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A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

'Go get your Mother'

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On 1/6/2018 at 11:56 AM, Snaggletooth said:

My nonna usse to saye "Dointe lette the bastirds waerre you dowe"    Chin up, an give a smille.                       :)

The official Latin version is: Nil Bastardus Carborundum

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