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A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about 
all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up. 

"Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling. 

"Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian. 

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for 
the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male 
Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a 
teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow. 

"What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman. 

"Why?" he asked, "What’s the matter?" 

"Well," she replied, "it’s nowhere near long enough. It’ll never reach!" 

"No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. 
With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite 
impressively long. "Well," she said. "That’s quite impressive, but it’s still 
pretty narrow." 

"No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull 
his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was 
extremely exciting to the woman. 

"Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate 
love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went 
off together. 

As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?" 

"I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?" 

"Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the 
forehead and pulling my ears all night."

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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for th

One sunny day in late January 2021, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,

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Paddy's been arrested for punching his wife again and appears before the Magistrate court... 
 The Magistrate asks; “ Paddy, why do you keep beating your wife?"
Paddy answers: “I think it’s my weight advantage, longer arm reach and superior footwork.......

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A bloke goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. 

There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments. 

He hears a priest come in: 

"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be". 

The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side"

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  • Anarchist
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  • Sol Rosenberg
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A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retire to bed. Both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber.

 

The man calls over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."

 

So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face.

 

The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"

 

The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate sex and afterwards the woman rolls out. As she returns to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face.

 

The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "clumsy bitch".

 

Reposted because it was worth it.

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Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually.. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain... good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy?!? HARRROOOW!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

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A man was in his yard mowing the grass when his blonde neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is!” My stupid new computer keeps saying, “You’ve Got Mail.” 

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A Policeman was drilling 3 blondes, who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the 1st blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The first blonde answers “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye” The policeman says “Well…Uh.. that’s because the picture shows his profile” Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asked her “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says “Ha! He’d be easy to catch because he only has one ear!”

The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and ear are showing because it’s a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” He adds quickly “….think hard before giving a stupid answer” The Blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says “HMMMM… the suspect is wearing contact lenses.”

The policeman is surprised and speechless, because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that is a good answer.. wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I’ll get back to you on that”

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. “WoW! I can’t believe it…it’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contacts lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”

“That’s easy” the blonde replied. “He can’t wear glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!” 

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At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

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Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the druggist – he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.” Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute – listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.

I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.

I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels – the phone is still ringing – when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke.

The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife – she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!” 

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A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer,

“Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?”

The farmer shook his head and replied,

“Some things you just can’t explain.”

“So what happened that’s so horrible?” the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.

“Well,” the farmer said, “today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket.”

“Okay,” said the man, “but that’s not so bad.” “Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer replied. “So what happened then?” the man asked. The farmer said, “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.”

“And then?”

“Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.”

The man laughed and said, “Again?” The farmer replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.” “So, what did you do then?” the man asked.

“I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.”

“And then?”

“Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.”

“Hmmm,” the man said and nodded his head. “Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer said.

“So, what did you do?” the man asked.

“Well,” the farmer said, “I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in… Some things you just can’t explain.”

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The county fair was coming to town and there was to be a contest at the fair for fattest pig and talented animals.
Three brother farmers were excited and decided to enter their prize pig, but he needed fattening up. They had 3 weeks before the contest, the first week they gave her extra food morning noon and night and she added 10 pounds, which was fantastic. The second week, they gave her twice as much food as the week before and she gained another 15 pounds. The brothers were delighted, but felt they could have done better getting her to gain weight for the contest. The three at around brain stormimg ideas on how to get her fatter. One said, "maybe, we can feed her some lead pellets. That will makher heavier." Another said, " how about we stick a cork in her ass?" The third agreed that was a great idea. They drew straws to see who would get the dirty job. After the cork was inserted and secured, they agreeed they should feed her as much food as she could eat in a week. This work extremely well the brothers thought. She gained so much weight she could barely be lifted into the truck.
Time for the contest arrived and the county fair opened and people came from all over to enter their prize pigs. The 3 brothers were 7th in line for registration. They finally registered and got their booth number. They spent the next 30 minutes looking for the booth andwhen they found it, they set up and unloaded their prize winner. About 10 minutes later, a gentleman with amonkey shows up and occupies the booth next to the brothers. The brothers introduced themselves and said they were here for the fattest pig contest. asked what he was there for? Thegentleman answered, " i am here toshow off how talented my monkey is", and proceeded to set up his booth. 
The judging was about to begin and the brothers looked worried and hoped they would be judged soon. They judgesmoved their way through the rows of booths and the contestants. They made their way to the gentleman with the monkey next to the brothers. Thejudges asked what the monkey's talent was and the gentleman answered, my monkey can remove corks from wine bottles! The brothers looked at each other and began to squirm a little. The man went to pull a few corked bottles from his case and the monkey got away from him. The monkey ran directlyto the pig and removed the cork the brothershad placed in the pigs ass.
About 35 minutes later when the police were talking with the 3 brothers to get their statement....
They asked the first brother, "what did you see?" 
The brother answered, "nothing but Shit!”
They asked the second brother, "what did you see?"
The second brother answered, " Nothing but Shit!”
The police then asked the third brother, "what did you see?" 
Third brother answers, "all i saw wasthat poor fucking monkey trying to put that cork back in!"

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While golfing, I overturned the golf cart late one afternoon.

A very attractive, young, female golfer, who lives in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you OK?"
"I’m OK, thanks," I replied, as I pulled himself out of the twisted cart.
She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, we'll put some ice on those bruises, and I’ll help you get the cart up later."

I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.

"That’s very nice of you," I answered, "but I don’t think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on now!" she insisted.

She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive.

I am very weak.

"Well, OK," I finally agreed.
After a couple of beers, a Scotch or two, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I’d better go now."

"Don’t be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open.

"Stay for a while. Your wife won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?"

I replied, "Still under the cart, I suppose."

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After being married for 25 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her carefully, then said, 'You are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.'
'What does that mean?' she asked suspiciously.
He said, 'Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot!'
She beamed at him happily and said: 'Oh, that's so lovely! But what about I, J and K?'
He replied: 'I'm Just Kidding!'

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Hillary phoned the president's office shortly after midnight.

“I need to talk to the president, it’s an emergency!”, exclaimed Hillary.

After some cajoling, the president's assistant agreed to wake him up.

“So, what is it that’s so important that it can’t wait until morning?”, grumbled Trump.

“A Supreme Court Judge just died, and I want to take his place.”, begged Hillary.

“Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the mortician”, replied President Trump.

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Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I'd like to donate.

Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash? That's much easier.

Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes.

Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.

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Jesus walks into a bar, with four friends. He tells his friends to find a table. Luke follows him up to the bar to help carry drinks. Jesuss orders 5 waters in stemmed glasses. Jesus and Luke arrive at the table, Mark asks"Water?" Jesus replies,"wait a minute...."

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A friend is having trouble with his wife.  He picked her up from having her claws clipped yesterday, and took her to her weekly obedience class.  She was complaining all the way.

I think perhaps he has her collar on too tight.

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A Blonde buys a bathtub, gets it home and after trying it, she decides she's not happy with it and takes it back.
She storms into the vendor in a rage and says she wants to return the bathtub because it doesn't hold any water!
The vendor says "Did you put the plug in?"
The Blonde says "I didn't realise it runs on electricity..."

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A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Scottish cop.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education than any Scottish cop. 
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Scottish cop's expense!

Scottish cop says, "License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Scottish cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Scottish cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Scottish cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law. 
License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the
ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Scottish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Scottish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop or just slow down? "

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 A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." 

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" 

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. 

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." 

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. 

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. 

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." 

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

My girlfriend said that I could pick a couple of my favourite fantasies for some role-play to spice things up.


So now I need a new girlfriend, but at least I ticked snuff and necrophilia off my bucket list.

 
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A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"

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A guy is sitting in a bar enjoying his run. A huge cockroach scurries up, grabs the guy in a choke hold, had the guy flopping around on the floor, then scurries off.

Next day the guy, bruised from the fight, again is enjoying his rum.  Huge cockroach scurries up and punches the guy in the face and scurries off.

Next day, bruised and a black eye, guy sips his rum through a split lip. Huge cockroach scurries up and stabs the guy in the back, five times!

They  rush the guy to the ER. Stabbed, bruised, beaten. He explains his injuries to the Doc. The Doc says "Ahh, I've heard there is a nasty bug going around".

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Guy walks into bar with a monkey on his shoulder, orders his drink and sits down.

Monkey scurries around the floor picking up peanuts, chips and whatever, & eating them.

, scurries up on the pool table, and before anyone can react, grabs the 7 ball and eats it.

Pool players get angry cuz of a beer on the game.

Bartender gets angry about the 7 ball.

Guy apologizes for the monkey all around,

, buys a beer for each of the pool players, 

, pays the bartender for a new set of balls,

, grabs the monkey by the throat, stuffs it back on his shoulder, and leaves.

 

Couple weeks later same guy w/monkey comes back in.

Bartender says " ? are we gonna have any trouble with yer monkey ?? "

Guy sez ", don't think so".

Monkey scurries around the floor, finds a peanut, but reaches around and stuffs it up his ass before he eats it.

Pool players & bartender say;  :o WTF?!? :o

 

Guy sez,,

Kinda weird, , last coupla weeks, before he eats anything,

he measures it.

 

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Tiger Woods and Stevie Wonder meet in a bar.

Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it    
Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"

Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years."

Tiger says, "But—you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. 
I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, 
the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway, and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But how do you putt?" asks Tiger.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground 
and I just play the ball toward his voice."

Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?" Stevie says, "Well, actually—I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Stevie replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. 
Is that a problem?"

Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. 
When would you like to play?" 


Stevie Wonder says, "Pick a night."

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A beautiful woman asks her doctor, "Doctor please will you give me a kiss?"
"Goodness no!" says the doctor. "That would be completely against my code of ethics."
"Oh please," begs the woman. "Just one kiss?"
"Certainly not," says the doctor. "Strictly speaking we shouldn't even be having sex."

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While golfing late one afternoon, a senior gentleman accidentally overturned his golf cart.


A very attractive, young female golfer, who lived on her own in a villa on the course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you OK?” "I’m OK, thanks," he replied, pulling himself out of the twisted cart.


She said, "Come up to my villa and rest a while. I’ll help you get the cart up later.” The old fella noticed that her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.


"That’s mighty nice of you," he answered, "but I don’t really think my wife would like it.”


"Oh, come on now!" She was insistent, pretty, and very, very persuasive. He was weak, and pondered. "Well, OK," he finally agreed.


After a couple of Scotch and sodas, he thanked her and said, “Thank you. I do feel a lot better now. But you know, my wife is going to be really upset, so I’d better go now.”


"Don’t be so silly!" she said with a smile, as her robe fell slightly more open. "Stay for a while,” she purred. Your wife won’t know anything. After all, where is she?”


He replied, “At a guess, I suppose she’ll still be under the cart."

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A man goes into a barbershop and asks for a shave. The barber starts shaving him and then after a few minutes produces a pair of small wooden balls and says, "Here, just pop these in your mouth to stretch your cheeks so I can give you a nice close shave."
The man puts the balls in his mouth between his cheeks and gums and the barber finishes the shave. At the end the man tells the barber, "That was the closest shave I've ever had. There's just one problem. I've accidentally swallowed one of your little wooden balls."
"That's okay," says the barber. "It's happened before. Just do what everyone else does. Bring it back tomorrow."

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Four avid golfers who like to gamble and never miss a game are playing in a foursome one Saturday. The pot builds throughout the day until they reach the 18th green, where Charlie has a chance to putt for dough. If he makes his 10-foot putt, he wins $1000.

Charlie lines up his putt, but just as he's about to take his stance, a funeral procession begins passing by on the road that runs alongside the 18th hole.

Charlie steps away from his ball, sets down his putter, takes off his hat and places it over his heart, and waits for the funeral procession to completely pass. One all the cars in the funeral procession have passed, Charlie picks up his putter and begins lining up the putt again.

"Wow," one of his opponents says. "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. You've got a makeable putt for $1000, yet you stopped and paid your respects. You really are something."

"Well," Charlie says, "we were married for 25 years."

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A guy went golfing with his buddles and when he got home he was soaked in sweat, clothes were a mess etc.

His wife asked him what happened and he said "On the first hole I got a birdy, second hole I hit par, third hole another birdy - it went like that for the whole front nine - best round I ever played."

"Then on the ninth hole George dropped dead - we tried CPR but it was no use".

"Oh my God, that's terrible - is that why you're such a mess?"

"No, that happened later - the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag George, hit the ball, drag George."

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Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.
We go on “route marches,” which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6″ and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8″ and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Alice

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  For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle.  His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $289,000 and your mother just lost her job.  I’m sorry but there’s no way we can afford it.”
      The next day the father saw little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase.  So he asked, “Son, where are you going?” Little Johnny told him, “I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out.  Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.  And I’ll be damned if I’m staying here by myself with a $289,000 mortgage and no *#@$* bike.” 
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The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Clew Bay Irish man answered his door to find two grim-faced Constables.

"We're sorry, Mr. O' Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said one of the officers.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O'Flynn asked.

The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. O' Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."

The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay."

"Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O' Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"

The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 60's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. O' Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"

The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

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I was awakened at about 2am by a knock on the door.

A Policeman was standing there.

He said, 'I'm sorry to say this, sir - but it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus'.

I said, 'Yeah, but she's good in bed, and great with the kids, what's up?'.

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On 5/6/2018 at 10:44 PM, Max Rockatansky said:

Past, Present and Future went into a bar. 

 

 

 

It was tense. 

A Boy Scout and a Girl Guide were caught fornicating. Apparently it was in tents.

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A woman was at her hairdresser … getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:  
 
“Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?” 
 
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!”  
 
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”
 
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste.”  
 
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump.”
 
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”
 
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people are trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.  Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.” 
 
 
A month later, the woman again came back in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
 
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, “Not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to First Class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
 
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their Owner's Suite at no extra charge!”
 
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope.”
 
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
 
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.”
 
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?”
 
He said: "Who fucked up your hair?" 
 
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5 hours ago, Happy said:

By law, you have to turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden.

How the fuck am I supposed to know when it's raining in Sweden?

Invoice 

1 Keyboard

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An art collector is walking through the the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a pet store.

He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for $10.

The store owner replies “I’m sorry, but the cat isn’t for sale.”

The collector says, “Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I’ll pay you $50 for that cat.” And the pet shop owner says “Sold...”

The collector says “Hey, for another $10 could you throw in that old saucer. The cat’s used it and it’ll save me from having to get a new one "
And the owner says, “Sorry pal but that’s my lucky saucer. So far this week I’ve sold 68 cats...

 

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The year is 2024 and the United States has just elected the first woman as President of the United States.

      A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father
in Milwaukee and asks, "So, Dad, I assume you will be coming  to my
inauguration?"

       "I don't think so.  It's a long drive; your mom isn't  as young as
she used to be, we'll have the  dog with us, and my arthritis  is acting
up in my knee."

      "Don't worry about it, Dad. I'll send Air Force One or another
support aircraft to pick you up and take you home, and a limousine will
pick you up at your door," she  said.

      "I don't know.  Everybody will be so fancy.  What  would your
mother wear?"

       "Oh, Dad," she replied,   "I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown
custom-made by one of the best designers in New York."

        "Honey," Dad complained, "You know we can't eat  those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."

         The President-elect responded, "Don't worry, Dad.   The entire
affair is going to be handled  by the best caterer in D.C. and I'll
ensure your meals are salt-free.  Dad, I really want you to  come."

       So her parents reluctantly agreed, and on January 24, 2024
arrived to see their daughter sworn in as President of the United
States.

       The parents are seated in the front row.  The President's dad
sees that a Senator is sitting next to him and whispers,

"You see that woman up there with her hand on the Bible,

becoming President of the United States?

        The Senator whispered in reply, "Yes, sir, I sure do ."

         Dad says proudly,  "Her brother plays football for  the Packers."

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I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business.

When this FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my arse and said, "You're kind’a cute.

You gotta phone number?"

I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"