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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for th

One sunny day in late January 2021, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,

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If I ever get a chance to appear on daytime tv, I'm going to say:
Cunt, cunt, fuuuuck, shit!!
Cock, fuck, cuuuunt!!
Shiiitt, fuck, shiiitt, fuck!!
Cuuunt, shit, fuuuuck!!!!
That way, when they bleep it out, it'll spell 'fuck' in morse code.

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Little Johnny goes up to a prostitute and asks, "How much for a blow job?"

"Four hundred bucks," the hooker says.

"Four hundred bucks? That's awfully expensive." Little Johnny tries to talk her down, but she won't lower her price. He really wants the blowjob, so he eventually agrees to pay the four hundred dollars. After handing over the money, he immediately starts to jack off.

"What are you doing that for?" she asks.

"For four hundred bucks, do you think I'm gonna give you the easy one?" says Little Johnny
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Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and cried until his mother came in to see what was the matter. "I have to make pee pee", wailed Little Johnny.

"All right," said his mother, "I'll take you to the bathroom."

"No" insisted Little Johnny, "I want Grandma."

"Don't be silly, I can do the same thing as Grandma," said his mother firmly."

"Nuh-uh replied Little Johnny, Her hands shake." .

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Little Johnny was in his Kindergarten class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up - fireman, policeman, salesman. Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some screaming fag and take it up the ar*e."

The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring in and took little Johnny aside to ask him "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said Johnny, "he really plays football for the Bears, but I was too embarrassed to say".

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Last week a friend and I were walking through the Pro shop at Millerton golf course when he touched the door knob and got shocked by static electricity. He turns to me and says,

"Damn, I wish someone would explain that damn static electricity thing to me."

So I did and here is my explanation, especially for my non-engineering friends . .

Static electricity is an imbalance of electric charges within or on the surface of a material.

The charge remains until it is able to move away by means of an electric current or electrical discharge.

 

For modelling the effect of static discharge on sensitive electronic devices, a human being is represented as a capacitor of 100 microfarads, charged to a voltage of 4,000 to 35,000 volts.

When touching an object this energy is discharged in less than a microsecond:

 

 

image.png.4b6ba9ff7eab1f0f05fdf54a0c642224.png

Are you still having a little trouble understanding this?  If so, the next photo may help.

 

image.png.767c0f385bab9b401196ccef9db2cb5f.png

Cheers,

Jim B)

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The teacher asks the class to name big words that eat things and end in "TOR".

The first little boy said "Alligator".

The teacher replied "Very good that is a very clever example".

Tne second little boy said "Predator".

The teacher replied "Very good that is a very good example, well done".

Little Johnny says "Vibrator".

The teacher nearly fell off her chair and replied "That is a big word but it does not eat anything".

Little Johnny replied "Yes it does; my sister says it eats batteries like there’s no tomorrow".

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On 7/23/2018 at 10:14 PM, JimL said:

Last week a friend and I were walking through the Pro shop at Millerton golf course when he touched the door knob and got shocked by static electricity. He turns to me and says,

 

"Damn, I wish someone would explain that damn static electricity thing to me."

 

So I did and here is my explanation, especially for my non-engineering friends . .

 

Static electricity is an imbalance of electric charges within or on the surface of a material.

 

The charge remains until it is able to move away by means of an electric current or electrical discharge.

 

 

 

For modelling the effect of static discharge on sensitive electronic devices, a human being is represented as a capacitor of 100 microfarads, charged to a voltage of 4,000 to 35,000 volts.

 

When touching an object this energy is discharged in less than a microsecond:

 

 

 

 

 

image.png.4b6ba9ff7eab1f0f05fdf54a0c642224.png

 

Are you still having a little trouble understanding this?  If so, the next photo may help.

 

 

 

image.png.767c0f385bab9b401196ccef9db2cb5f.png

Cheers,

Jim B)

That's 100 picofarads, not 100 microfarads.

What photo?

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Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn't show up. Sam wasn't concerned; he thought Bill might have a cold or some urgent appointment. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since Sam didn't know where Bill lived (the only time they ever got together was at the park) he was unable to find out what had happened to him. After a month had passed, Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill.


On his next visit to the park, however, Bill was sitting on their usual bench waiting for him. Amazed and delighted, Sam exclaimed,'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'

Bill replied, 'I've been in jail.'

'Jail?' cried Sam. 'You?! What on earth for?'

'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue , that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?'

'Yes,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me. At age 89,I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty.'

'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.

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A blonde from Arkansas is going on her first overseas trip. She drives all the way into Little Rock to apply for a passport. In the passport office, the government official sees that she is visibly puzzled filling her passport application.

The passport official looks over her shoulder and sees the blonde trying to write 'twice a week' into the small space labeled 'SEX'.

The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'".

"Doesn't matter", the blonde answers.

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The Seven Degrees Of Blonde

 
 

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 1200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife answered, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."



SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"



THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"



FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK,what's the capital of Wisconsin ?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."



FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"



SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question, then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware "



SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house had been burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman."
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Two Priests Decide To Go To Hawaii For A Vacation...

 
 

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight toward them, They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father', nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, and said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady'.

'Yes, Father'?

'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are'?

She replied, 'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen'.
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A real estate salesman and his new blonde wife flew to the Bahamas for their honeymoon.

The groom was in the water snorkeling while his new bride was sunbathing on the beach. Suddenly a large shark attacked and took a huge chunk out of the man's upper body. While his new wife watched in horror the man managed to swim to shore.

Lifeguards tried to save his life but unfortunately he had lost way too much blood.

A news crew was dispatched to the scene. The reporter asked one of the lifeguards if the man suffered long.

To which he replied, "No, he was only married for about a week".

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A Tragedy Avoided

 
 

While my wife was in the kitchen cooking breakfast, I suddenly heard a loud thud.

Running in, I found her dead on the floor.

In a blind frenzy, I had no idea what to do.

Then I remembered Denny's does an all-day breakfast for $5.99. ..
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Don't You Love Me No More

 
 

Sitting at the dinning table one night, the husband divided a piece of steak into a bigger half and a smaller half.

Keeping the bigger half for himself he gave the smaller half to his wife.

Wife looked into his eyes and asked, "Dear, during the first few years of our marriage, you used to take the smaller piece and give me the bigger one, but today you did the opposite, is it because you don't love me no more?"

"Nonsense, darling, you just cook better now."
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A Man Walks Into A Bar

 
 

A man walks into a bar after a long ride on his horse. He walks up to the bar and asks the bartender for a beer. When he gets his beer, he starts eyeing this beautiful lady in the corner. Just as he turns back, a monkey runs up to the beer, dunks his balls in the beer, and runs off.

Agitated, the man says to the bartender, "I can't drink this now! Give me another beer!"

So, the bartender brings him another beer. Before the man could do anything about it, the monkey ran back over, dunked his balls in the beer and ran off before the man could grab him. Even more angry, the man says, "I can't drink this now. Bring me another beer!"

He gets another beer and guards it with his life. The monkey sneaks up behind him, knocks the stool out from underneath the man, hops up onto the bar and dunks his balls in the beer. Now the man is thoroughly pissed. He grabs the bartender and says, "Man, I've had it. Who's stupid monkey is this anyway?"

The bartender replied, "It belongs to the piano player."

The man walks over to the piano player and says, "Excuse me, do you know your monkey is dunking his balls in my beer?"

To this the piano player replies, "No, I sure don't, but if you hum a few notes, I'll play it."
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The Lecture

 
 

Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "He's probably golfing with his friends."
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Why There Are No Snakes In Ireland

 
 

Archaeologists excavating in County Meath in Ireland have recovered what they think is an original manuscript by St. Patrick dating back to 455 AD. It was found near the famous Stone of Fal on Tara Hill, the spot where St. Patrick was welcomed back to Ireland by one of the great Celtic kings.

The ancient parchment manuscript is believed to be the oldest written Christian text ever recovered in Ireland. It is estimated to be the most valuable find in the 20-year research project since the discovery of the Tara Brooch in the same area. There is speculation that it may be in St. Patrick's own hand.

Celtic scholars, historians, and religious scholars are excited by information translated from the original Old Celtic that purports to support what up to now has been considered a religious myth: St. Patrick's driving the serpents out of Ireland.

Celtic language experts say St. Patrick writes that God revealed how to drive the serpents from the land in a vision. St. Patrick ends his narrative by quoting what God said to him in the vision:

"Pat! Trust me, it tastes just like chicken."
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Two IT Guys Talking In A Bar...

 
 

Two IT guys were talking in a bar after work.

"Guess what," says the first IT guy, "yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde in a bar."

"What did you do?" says the other IT guy.

"Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me
to take all her clothes off."

"You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy.

"I took her miniskirt off and then I lifted her and put her on my desk next to my new laptop."

"Really? You got a new laptop?"
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Sunday 29th July 2018 - 09:02:49 
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A Little Old Lady In Court

 
 

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!"! And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
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On ‎7‎/‎31‎/‎2018 at 8:51 AM, IrieMon said:

You shall be sentenced to.... the comfy chair !

 

And because I can never remember jokes, I share this with y'all....

 

This one is even better...……  IMHO...…

 

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Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, "Your Holiness, we have an offer for you.
Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'..."

The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed."

"Well, says the Nescafe man, ...we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."

"My son, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord, and it must not be changed."

The Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer...
We will donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars o_O- to the Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee.'
"Please consider it." ...And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals… "There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news.
The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million.":thumbsu:

"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.
"We're losing the Wonder Bread account..!

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A man goes to the sperm clinic.
The nurse asks him ‘Would you like to masturbate in the cup..?’
He pauses and replies ‘I'm good but I don’t think I’m quite ready to compete in a tournament just yet...

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A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.

The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”

“But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager.

“Here, give me the broom – I’ll show you how.”

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1 hour ago, warbird said:

Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, "Your Holiness, we have an offer for you.
Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'..."

The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed."

"Well, says the Nescafe man, ...we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."

"My son, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord, and it must not be changed."

The Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer...
We will donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars o_O- to the Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee.'
"Please consider it." ...And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals… "There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news.
The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million.":thumbsu:

"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.
"We're losing the Wonder Bread account..!

That is just too close to the truth for comfort.

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The History Of Profiling

 
 

The day it all started was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo. He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort.

William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall. These three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving toward them.

With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said: "Jim, are we having some landscaping done today"?
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Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of peas instead!"

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3 hours ago, warbird said:

The History Of Profiling

 
 

The day it all started was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo. He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort.

William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall. These three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving toward them.

With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said: "Jim, are we having some landscaping done today"?   I didn't know we were pouring concrete today.

as long as we are being so non pc. 

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On 8/12/2018 at 8:18 AM, warbird said:

The History Of Profiling

 
 

The day it all started was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo. He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort.

William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall. These three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving toward them.

With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said: "Jim, are we having some landscaping done today"?
 
“i didn’t know the lettuce was ready to harvest”

 

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A man walks into a bar. He walk's up to the barman while spitting every few seconds, after everytime he spat he said "good driver!". He asks the barman for a pint while still spitting and saying "good driver", the barman gives the man his drink and asks if he does not mind him asking, what is with all the spitting and why does he keep saying good driver?

"You're going to have to stop, your putting the other customers off there drinks." The man appoligises, i'll tell you what happened.

I drive a mini and there's a space in your car park and I was going to try to park in, when along comes this big flash
corvette, ( the man spits again and says "good driver" ) well I thought no way are you going to get in there "spit, good driver", the driver of the corvette says you want to bet, so I said yeah sure why not!!!

If you get that car parked in there i'll give you a blowjob!

(spit, "good driver")

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According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lip stick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers .... and then there are educators
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  • Repeat?
  • There was a ragged, old, retired Bos'n Mate Master Chief who shuffled into a Waterfront bar. Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender. "I'd like to apply for the job," he said. The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old Squid, but it had been quite awhile since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, the barkeep decided to give him a try.

  • The old Master Chief staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. But, by the time he was into the third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of sound and music unlike anyone had heard in the bar before. When he finished, there wasn't a dry eye in the place. The bartender took the old Master Chief a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played.

    "It's called, 'Drop Your Skivvies, Baby, We're Gonna Rock Tonight"," said the old Master Chief after he took a long pull from the beer.

    The bartender and the crowd winced, but the piano player went on with a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the Master Chief acknowledged the applause and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Anchor Chan run Out." He then excused himself as he lurched off to the head.

    When the guy came out of the head, the bartender went over to him and said, "Look, Master Chief, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"

    "Know it?" the old Master Chief replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"
     

 

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Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool.

When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the other and said, "Did you notice the small dicks on the rich kids"?

The other answered,"Yeah. It's probably because they have real toys to play with"!

 

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There was 3 girls, a blonde, a brunette and a red head and they found a pyramid. They read a tablet that said "this is the pyramid of 100 steps. if you get to the top of it, you will get what you've wanted all your life. but be warned, every 5 steps a person will pop out and tell a joke, and if you laugh, you can never try again...

...so the brunette gets to the 5th step and laughs, so she could never try again.

...the red head got to the 20th step and laughed, so she could never try again.

...then the blonde got to the 99th step and laughed.

The guy who was going to tell the joke said "why did you laugh, I didn't tell the joke yet".

The blonde said "I know, I laughed because I just got the first joke"!!!
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Mrs. Murphy and Mrs. Cohen had been longtime close friends. But being old-fashioned, each went to a retirement home of her own respective
religion.

It was not long before Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so one day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old
friend. When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs, and kisses.

Mrs. Murphy said, "Don't be holdin' back, Mrs. Cohen, how do you like it here?"

Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the care takers. Then, with a twinkle in her eye, she said, "But the best
thing is that I now have a boyfriend."

Mrs. Murphy said, "Now isn't that wonderful! Tell me all about it."

Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch we go up to my room and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top, and then on the bottom, and
then we sing Jewish songs."

Mrs. Murphy said, "For sure it's a blessing. I'm so glad for you Mrs. Cohen.

Mrs. Cohen said, "And how is it with you, Mrs. Murphy?"

Mrs. Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility and that she also had a boyfriend.

Mrs. Cohen said, "Good for you! So what do you do?"

Mrs. Murphy says, "We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me
down below."

Mrs. Cohen said, "Yes? And then....?"

Mrs. Murphy said.."Well, since we don't know any Jewish songs, we f*ck."

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Repeat?

 

A young man joined the paratroopers. After a great deal of training, he finally went to take his first jump from a plane. The next day, he called his father to tell him the news.

"So, did you jump?" his dad asked.

"Well, we got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened the door up and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.

"Um, not yet.

Then the sergeant started to grab the other men and throw them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" asked the father.

"No. I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to jump or he'd kick my arse."

"So, did you jump?".

"Not then. He tried to push me out, but I held onto the door. Finally the Jump Master called me over and said "Boy, are you gonna jump or not?" I said, "No, sir. I'm too scared."

So the Jump Master took his penis out. It was 10 inches long and as big as a cricket bat! He said, Either you jump or I'm sticking this little baby up your arse."

So, did you jump?" asked the father.

"Well, a little, at first."

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1 hour ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

 

yeah, but it's been featured in this thread at least 20 times..   I think he's just started at page 1 and is reposting everything..   old is new.. 

I get these from other sources. I do not check 5500 post s to see if they are new.

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14 minutes ago, warbird said:

I get these from other sources. I do not check 5500 post s to see if they are new.

There is a search function, old buddy.  Top right hand corner.

Search for paratroopers and you find the joke posted in this thread in October 2004.

Search is generally a good idea when posting on long threads, but again, YMMV.

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Hey searchers, what page is this one on?
 
Cindy Crawford and a guy were stranded on a deserted island. After several weeks without rescue, nature took its inevitable course and the two began to make love. Months later, they were still marooned and they were still making
love.

One day, Cindy asked her companion if there was anything special she could do for him. "Well, yes, as a matter of fact," he said. "Would you mind putting
on my trousers and shirt?"

"No, that’s OK, I guess," she replied, stepping into his pants.

"And my jacket and tie?"

"Well, all right," she agreed.

"And could you pull your hair under this baseball cap?"

"Sure," she replied, getting into the game.

"OK, do you feel like a regular guy now?" he asked.

"Yeah."

"A regular guy?"

"Yeah, yeah. Now what can I do for you?" she asked impatiently.

He tapped her shoulder, leaned toward her ear and whispered, "Just between you and me, dude, I’m fucking Cindy Crawford."
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