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A couple have 6 children. All blonde haired and blue eyed.

Their 7th child is born and much to the Fathers surprise has red hair and green eyes.

Stunned the father asks his wife: What the hell is going on here? I demand to know who's child this is?

"Well actually" replies his wife......."Yours".

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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for th

One sunny day in late January 2021, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,

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The wife got dressed up for a night out with her friends, then she walked into the lounge and asked me to rate her. "8 or 9 at least" I said.


"Out of 10?" she smiled... "Thanks, babe, I'm flattered". Didn't have the heart to tell her I meant beers.

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Rules for Living # 329 ???

Sitting at the dock ckn’g out a sweet 40’ offshore cruiser.  Well dressed guy comes by and we yak it up about all things boats, trips and such.

He:  ”...how much for that?”

Me:   ”...$300k ?”

He:  “really?”

Me:  “yea, but think of all the nice young ladies you could sail to Tahiti with this.”

He:  “umm....if they fuck, fly or float?  Lease.”

 

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A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie.
When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture.

The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porn film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porn theatre to see the adult movie.
With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row of the adult cinema, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.

The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M, bondage and even a dog.
After a while watching the adult movie, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."

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17 hours ago, blunderfull said:

Rules for Living # 329 ???

Sitting at the dock ckn’g out a sweet 40’ offshore cruiser.  Well dressed guy comes by and we yak it up about all things boats, trips and such.

He:  ”...how much for that?”

Me:   ”...$300k ?”

He:  “really?”

Me:  “yea, but think of all the nice young ladies you could sail to Tahiti with this.”

He:  “umm....if they fuck, fly or float?  Lease.”

 

 

Met an attorney from LA, about 40+ years ago, who had a detailed spreadsheet showing how much more cost effective it was to be a Sugar Daddy, than to get married!!  LOL

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2 hours ago, billy backstay said:

 

Met an attorney from LA, about 40+ years ago, who had a detailed spreadsheet showing how much more cost effective it was to be a Sugar Daddy, than to get married!!  LOL

Yah, and I’d have had no comeback for that either!

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1 hour ago, Cal20sailor said:

Not positive I know my planes, but doesn't lightning work for frightening?

Gallileo ....

 

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5 minutes ago, Cal20sailor said:

Not a P-38?

 

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who's on first?

 

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The maharajah of an Indian Province issued a royal decree. He ordered that no one was to kill any wild animals while he was the country's leader. The decree was honored until there were so many Bengal tigers running loose, that the people revolted and threw the maharajah from power.

This is the first known instance of the reign being called on account of game.

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On 12/11/2018 at 5:08 PM, blunderfull said:

Yah, and I’d have had no comeback for that either!

Yeah, but it's true. If it fucks, flies or floats, it's cheaper to rent...

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It is the first Christmas, and the crêche scene is organizing. Mary and Joseph are gazing lovingly on the babe, the sheep and donkeys are looking on, the shepherds are amazed. 

Soon, the three Wise Men arrive, and as one of them walks into the stable, he steps on a rake, and the handle swings up, whacking him in the forehead. “Jesus Christ!’ he exclaims. 

Mary turns to Joseph, and in a thick Yiddish accent, says, “Ya know, Joe...? I like det name bettah den Oiving!”

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On 12/17/2018 at 11:55 AM, Bump-n-Grind said:

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I was sure the punchline was gonna be 'I'll keep an eye out for ya!'

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So this guy walks in to a bar. Notices two very large women talking in a British accent.

 He's just come back from a walking tour in England and Scotland, so he walks up to them and says: "Are you ladies from England, or Scotland?"....

 The women both turn, and give him an icy stare. Finally one says: "Wales, sonny...... Wales!".

 The guy is embarrassed, flusters a bit and says: "Sorry, let me try again.... Are you whales from England, or Scotland?"......

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21 minutes ago, Mrleft8 said:

So this guy walks in to a bar. Notices two very large women talking in a British accent.

 He's just come back from a walking tour in England and Scotland, so he walks up to them and says: "Are you ladies from England, or Scotland?"....

 The women both turn, and give him an icy stare. Finally one says: "Wales, sonny...... Wales!".

 The guy is embarrassed, flusters a bit and says: "Sorry, let me try again.... Are you whales from England, or Scotland?"......

An oldie but a goodie. :D

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On 12/20/2018 at 4:34 PM, Chris in Santa Cruz, CA said:

There once was a man from bombay, who fashioned a cunt out of clay,

But the heat from his prick turned the cunt to a brick and

He rubbed all his foreskin away

There once was a lady named Rhoda

Who kept an immoral Pagoda

The walls of the halls

were festooned with the balls

from the tools of the fools that bestrode her

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Two nuns are seated at a restaurant next to two truck drivers, who decide to get the nuns a little upset.

One guy says to the other “You know something? My parents were never married! And my Dad left when I was 6.” The other guy says “Is that so?! I never met my Dad and there was always a man around but they were only interested in my mom because she was a whore!”

After a moment of silence, one of the nuns turned to the truckers and said “Could we bother you bastards to please pass the salt?”

 

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WAGE AUDIT BY IRS


The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his employees and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweiser's every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally."

IRS AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to—the mentally challenged one."

Boat Owner: "That would be me. What would you like to know?"

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Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. 

The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" 

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!" 

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money." 

Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." 

The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Jack took the money.

 

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On 12/22/2018 at 4:51 PM, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

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A friend of mine gives the name "Donner" when making a reservation at a restaurant.  It is amusing when the call goes out for "the Donner party".

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Joe Walsh (Eagles) story as told by Dean Delray:

’ We’re backstage eating a deli tray when Joe (headling the bill) sees us and heads over.

(Joe’s life’s in the shitter post-Eagles and boozing big time.   Manager warns him that if he cancels just one date the whole tour is over.)

‘Joe:  you guys shouldn’t eat that crappy stuff.  I got violent food poisoning from a deli tray right before a show and almost blew the gig.  

Manager:   Yea, he had the shits so bad I had someone go out and get some hip waders for him   Only way he could do the show.  Those days he was wearing all kinds weird shit so no one noticed.

Only problem was as the shit heated up in the boots from stage lights he got bad acid burns on his legs.  Finished the show tho.’

 

F’king rock n’ roll Joe Walsh.

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On ‎12‎/‎30‎/‎2018 at 1:02 AM, valis said:

A friend of mine gives the name "Donner" when making a reservation at a restaurant.  It is amusing when the call goes out for "the Donner party".

Funney! Ime am gonig try thet with "Crisco"                                               :)

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3 hours ago, Snaggletooth said:

Funney! Ime am gonig try thet with "Crisco"                                               :)

....best when it's a party of four or more....

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On 12/31/2018 at 6:45 AM, Snaggletooth said:

Funney! Ime am gonig try thet with "Crisco"                                               :)

Lemon would work too..... 

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  With the recent flurry of space travel planned for 2019,  The Polish Space Agency, in effort to really raise the bar, has made a bold announcement.

   They plan to launch two Plastronauts for a round trip journey to the Sun and back, including a brief landing on the surface!

   This news has rippled through the global space agencies, with obvious concern.

    In a recent news conference, the head of the PSA made statements to allay the fears and questions facing this monumental effort.

    In addition to mention of standard safety protocol and high tech engineering of the craft and plastronauts suits, he pulled an Ace out of his hand

when stating they would be landing...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  AT NIGHT!!! 

  

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25 minutes ago, blunderfull said:

Men are boys with cooler toys:

Brian Shul.  Such a good man. 

He was here doing his speech to a sell-out crowd at the Hiller Aviation Museum in San Carlos CA just a couple of weeks ago and I took a couple of buddies.  Same speech, same SR-71 speed check story.  

He spent hours signing his big books, "Sled Driver" and "The Untouchables".  A good man - covered with burn scar tissue from his fiery fighter crash into the jungle in Vietnam, and a wildlife photographer now.  As he said, "I don't shoot bad people now.  I shoot butterflies."

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