warbird 939 Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 In England a women was arrested for providing alcohol, marajuana and strippers for her 16yo son's birthday, now she's got an even bigger problem- what to do for his 17th birthday. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
warbird 939 Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 The wife got dressed up for a night out with her friends, then she walked into the lounge and asked me to rate her. "8 or 9 at least" I said. "Out of 10?" she smiled... "Thanks, babe, I'm flattered". Didn't have the heart to tell her I meant beers. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
blunderfull 681 Posted December 11, 2018 Share Posted December 11, 2018 Rules for Living # 329 ??? Sitting at the dock ckn’g out a sweet 40’ offshore cruiser. Well dressed guy comes by and we yak it up about all things boats, trips and such. He: ”...how much for that?” Me: ”...$300k ?” He: “really?” Me: “yea, but think of all the nice young ladies you could sail to Tahiti with this.” He: “umm....if they fuck, fly or float? Lease.” Quote Link to post Share on other sites
warbird 939 Posted December 11, 2018 Share Posted December 11, 2018 A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porn film and it was due out in a month. A month later, the musician went to a porn theatre to see the adult movie. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row of the adult cinema, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise. The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M, bondage and even a dog. After a while watching the adult movie, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music." "Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog." 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
billy backstay 1,700 Posted December 11, 2018 Share Posted December 11, 2018 17 hours ago, blunderfull said: Rules for Living # 329 ??? Sitting at the dock ckn’g out a sweet 40’ offshore cruiser. Well dressed guy comes by and we yak it up about all things boats, trips and such. He: ”...how much for that?” Me: ”...$300k ?” He: “really?” Me: “yea, but think of all the nice young ladies you could sail to Tahiti with this.” He: “umm....if they fuck, fly or float? Lease.” Met an attorney from LA, about 40+ years ago, who had a detailed spreadsheet showing how much more cost effective it was to be a Sugar Daddy, than to get married!! LOL Quote Link to post Share on other sites
blunderfull 681 Posted December 11, 2018 Share Posted December 11, 2018 2 hours ago, billy backstay said: Met an attorney from LA, about 40+ years ago, who had a detailed spreadsheet showing how much more cost effective it was to be a Sugar Daddy, than to get married!! LOL Yah, and I’d have had no comeback for that either! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
RumLine 59 Posted December 14, 2018 Share Posted December 14, 2018 On 12/11/2018 at 6:08 PM, blunderfull said: Yah, and I’d have had no comeback for that either! Buy them used and insure them for way more than they're worth. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
blunderfull 681 Posted December 14, 2018 Share Posted December 14, 2018 23 minutes ago, RumLine said: Buy them used and insure them for way more than they're worth. Thread topic emerging. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
P_Wop 3,447 Posted December 14, 2018 Share Posted December 14, 2018 Why do old computer scientists get confused between Halloween and Christmas? Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Cal20sailor 3,482 Posted December 14, 2018 Share Posted December 14, 2018 1 hour ago, P_Wop said: Why do old computer scientists get confused between Halloween and Christmas? Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC I am a nerd as I laughed. Good one to keep tucked in your pocket protector. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Grande Mastere Dreade 4,169 Posted December 15, 2018 Share Posted December 15, 2018 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Cal20sailor 3,482 Posted December 15, 2018 Share Posted December 15, 2018 1 minute ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said: Not positive I know my planes, but doesn't lightning work for frightening? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Bump-n-Grind 2,677 Posted December 15, 2018 Share Posted December 15, 2018 1 hour ago, Cal20sailor said: Not positive I know my planes, but doesn't lightning work for frightening? Gallileo .... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Cal20sailor 3,482 Posted December 15, 2018 Share Posted December 15, 2018 8 minutes ago, Bump-n-Grind said: Gallileo .... Not a P-38? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Bump-n-Grind 2,677 Posted December 15, 2018 Share Posted December 15, 2018 5 minutes ago, Cal20sailor said: Not a P-38? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Cal20sailor 3,482 Posted December 15, 2018 Share Posted December 15, 2018 Figaro Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Bump-n-Grind 2,677 Posted December 15, 2018 Share Posted December 15, 2018 who's on first? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Cal20sailor 3,482 Posted December 15, 2018 Share Posted December 15, 2018 Easy to hit, but; I don't know. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
pbd 264 Posted December 15, 2018 Share Posted December 15, 2018 17 hours ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said: 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Rasputin22 3,504 Posted December 15, 2018 Share Posted December 15, 2018 Figaro 15 hours ago, Bump-n-Grind said: Gallileo .... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
2592 15 Posted December 15, 2018 Share Posted December 15, 2018 19 hours ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said: P-47 "Thunderbolt" & P-38 "Lighting" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Cal20sailor 3,482 Posted December 16, 2018 Share Posted December 16, 2018 2 hours ago, Shootist Jeff said: Galileo, Galileo....... Edit: I see cal20 is a bit slow today. And yet, you're still gay. Jeff, I read the report and know why you left the AF. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Bump-n-Grind 2,677 Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Grande Mastere Dreade 4,169 Posted December 18, 2018 Share Posted December 18, 2018 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Bump-n-Grind 2,677 Posted December 18, 2018 Share Posted December 18, 2018 The maharajah of an Indian Province issued a royal decree. He ordered that no one was to kill any wild animals while he was the country's leader. The decree was honored until there were so many Bengal tigers running loose, that the people revolted and threw the maharajah from power. This is the first known instance of the reign being called on account of game. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Bump-n-Grind 2,677 Posted December 18, 2018 Share Posted December 18, 2018 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Bump-n-Grind 2,677 Posted December 18, 2018 Share Posted December 18, 2018 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Grande Mastere Dreade 4,169 Posted December 19, 2018 Share Posted December 19, 2018 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
alphafb552 626 Posted December 20, 2018 Share Posted December 20, 2018 50 minutes ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said: Nice one, just what I needed - my neck feels a lot better now Quote Link to post Share on other sites
floating dutchman 80 Posted December 20, 2018 Share Posted December 20, 2018 That didn't really fix the problem, Just moved it from one part of the body to another... 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Chris in Santa Cruz, CA 946 Posted December 20, 2018 Share Posted December 20, 2018 There once was a man from bombay, who fashioned a cunt out of clay, But the heat from his prick turned the cunt to a brick and He rubbed all his foreskin away Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Bump-n-Grind 2,677 Posted December 20, 2018 Share Posted December 20, 2018 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Bump-n-Grind 2,677 Posted December 20, 2018 Share Posted December 20, 2018 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Glenn McCarthy 281 Posted December 20, 2018 Share Posted December 20, 2018 From Chicago: Hard to believe my Uncle voted Democrat for the 5th Straight year. He never did that when he was alive.. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Remodel 838 Posted December 20, 2018 Share Posted December 20, 2018 On 12/11/2018 at 5:08 PM, blunderfull said: Yah, and I’d have had no comeback for that either! Yeah, but it's true. If it fucks, flies or floats, it's cheaper to rent... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gissie 1,758 Posted December 21, 2018 Share Posted December 21, 2018 12 hours ago, Remodel said: Yeah, but it's true. If it fucks, flies or floats, it's cheaper to rent... Better still, get paid to service the rich mans toy. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Max Rockatansky 921 Posted December 21, 2018 Share Posted December 21, 2018 It is the first Christmas, and the crêche scene is organizing. Mary and Joseph are gazing lovingly on the babe, the sheep and donkeys are looking on, the shepherds are amazed. Soon, the three Wise Men arrive, and as one of them walks into the stable, he steps on a rake, and the handle swings up, whacking him in the forehead. “Jesus Christ!’ he exclaims. Mary turns to Joseph, and in a thick Yiddish accent, says, “Ya know, Joe...? I like det name bettah den Oiving!” Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Grande Mastere Dreade 4,169 Posted December 22, 2018 Share Posted December 22, 2018 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
NaptimeAgain 427 Posted December 22, 2018 Share Posted December 22, 2018 On 12/14/2018 at 10:13 PM, Cal20sailor said: Not positive I know my planes, but doesn't lightning work for frightening? Nicely played. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Willin' 1,716 Posted December 22, 2018 Share Posted December 22, 2018 On 12/17/2018 at 11:55 AM, Bump-n-Grind said: I was sure the punchline was gonna be 'I'll keep an eye out for ya!' Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Mrleft8 3,556 Posted December 23, 2018 Share Posted December 23, 2018 So this guy walks in to a bar. Notices two very large women talking in a British accent. He's just come back from a walking tour in England and Scotland, so he walks up to them and says: "Are you ladies from England, or Scotland?".... The women both turn, and give him an icy stare. Finally one says: "Wales, sonny...... Wales!". The guy is embarrassed, flusters a bit and says: "Sorry, let me try again.... Are you whales from England, or Scotland?"...... 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Grande Mastere Dreade 4,169 Posted December 23, 2018 Share Posted December 23, 2018 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SloopJonB 12,626 Posted December 23, 2018 Share Posted December 23, 2018 21 minutes ago, Mrleft8 said: So this guy walks in to a bar. Notices two very large women talking in a British accent. He's just come back from a walking tour in England and Scotland, so he walks up to them and says: "Are you ladies from England, or Scotland?".... The women both turn, and give him an icy stare. Finally one says: "Wales, sonny...... Wales!". The guy is embarrassed, flusters a bit and says: "Sorry, let me try again.... Are you whales from England, or Scotland?"...... An oldie but a goodie. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Flatbag 60 Posted December 23, 2018 Share Posted December 23, 2018 On 12/20/2018 at 4:34 PM, Chris in Santa Cruz, CA said: There once was a man from bombay, who fashioned a cunt out of clay, But the heat from his prick turned the cunt to a brick and He rubbed all his foreskin away There once was a lady named Rhoda Who kept an immoral Pagoda The walls of the halls were festooned with the balls from the tools of the fools that bestrode her Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Mid 4,419 Posted December 23, 2018 Share Posted December 23, 2018 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sail4beer 3,419 Posted December 23, 2018 Share Posted December 23, 2018 Two nuns are seated at a restaurant next to two truck drivers, who decide to get the nuns a little upset. One guy says to the other “You know something? My parents were never married! And my Dad left when I was 6.” The other guy says “Is that so?! I never met my Dad and there was always a man around but they were only interested in my mom because she was a whore!” After a moment of silence, one of the nuns turned to the truckers and said “Could we bother you bastards to please pass the salt?” Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Bump-n-Grind 2,677 Posted December 24, 2018 Share Posted December 24, 2018 WAGE AUDIT BY IRS The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his employees and sent an agent to investigate him. IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them." Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweiser's every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally." IRS AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to—the mentally challenged one." Boat Owner: "That would be me. What would you like to know?" 5 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Major Tom 563 Posted December 25, 2018 Share Posted December 25, 2018 Dear Santa I’ve been good all year. Most of the time. Once in a while. Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Grande Mastere Dreade 4,169 Posted December 26, 2018 Share Posted December 26, 2018 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Bump-n-Grind 2,677 Posted December 26, 2018 Share Posted December 26, 2018 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
bmiller 1,152 Posted December 26, 2018 Share Posted December 26, 2018 Why doesn't Santa have any kids? He only comes once a year and always down the chimney. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
d'ranger 4,348 Posted December 26, 2018 Share Posted December 26, 2018 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Point Break 4,417 Posted December 26, 2018 Share Posted December 26, 2018 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Grande Mastere Dreade 4,169 Posted December 28, 2018 Share Posted December 28, 2018 sorry, there's no punch line with this one.. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Snaggletooth 5,199 Posted December 28, 2018 Share Posted December 28, 2018 I stille laffted Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Grande Mastere Dreade 4,169 Posted December 28, 2018 Share Posted December 28, 2018 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
billy backstay 1,700 Posted December 28, 2018 Share Posted December 28, 2018 7 minutes ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said: Miranda bears something of a resemblance, for sure! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
d'ranger 4,348 Posted December 28, 2018 Share Posted December 28, 2018 How Many Grammar Nazis Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb? Too 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
PhilipNZ 105 Posted December 29, 2018 Share Posted December 29, 2018 Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money." Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." Jack took the money. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
valis 646 Posted December 30, 2018 Share Posted December 30, 2018 On 12/22/2018 at 4:51 PM, Grande Mastere Dreade said: A friend of mine gives the name "Donner" when making a reservation at a restaurant. It is amusing when the call goes out for "the Donner party". 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Grande Mastere Dreade 4,169 Posted December 31, 2018 Share Posted December 31, 2018 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
blunderfull 681 Posted December 31, 2018 Share Posted December 31, 2018 Joe Walsh (Eagles) story as told by Dean Delray: ’ We’re backstage eating a deli tray when Joe (headling the bill) sees us and heads over. (Joe’s life’s in the shitter post-Eagles and boozing big time. Manager warns him that if he cancels just one date the whole tour is over.) ‘Joe: you guys shouldn’t eat that crappy stuff. I got violent food poisoning from a deli tray right before a show and almost blew the gig. Manager: Yea, he had the shits so bad I had someone go out and get some hip waders for him Only way he could do the show. Those days he was wearing all kinds weird shit so no one noticed. Only problem was as the shit heated up in the boots from stage lights he got bad acid burns on his legs. Finished the show tho.’ F’king rock n’ roll Joe Walsh. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Snaggletooth 5,199 Posted December 31, 2018 Share Posted December 31, 2018 On 12/30/2018 at 1:02 AM, valis said: A friend of mine gives the name "Donner" when making a reservation at a restaurant. It is amusing when the call goes out for "the Donner party". Funney! Ime am gonig try thet with "Crisco" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
warbird 939 Posted December 31, 2018 Share Posted December 31, 2018 3 hours ago, Snaggletooth said: Funney! Ime am gonig try thet with "Crisco" ....best when it's a party of four or more.... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Grande Mastere Dreade 4,169 Posted January 3, 2019 Share Posted January 3, 2019 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Grrr... 2,246 Posted January 3, 2019 Share Posted January 3, 2019 On 12/31/2018 at 6:45 AM, Snaggletooth said: Funney! Ime am gonig try thet with "Crisco" Lemon would work too..... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Grande Mastere Dreade 4,169 Posted January 5, 2019 Share Posted January 5, 2019 my neighbor's wife is a famous porn actress, hope she doesn't find out..... 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Rasputin22 3,504 Posted January 5, 2019 Share Posted January 5, 2019 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Raked Aft\\ 121 Posted January 8, 2019 Share Posted January 8, 2019 With the recent flurry of space travel planned for 2019, The Polish Space Agency, in effort to really raise the bar, has made a bold announcement. They plan to launch two Plastronauts for a round trip journey to the Sun and back, including a brief landing on the surface! This news has rippled through the global space agencies, with obvious concern. In a recent news conference, the head of the PSA made statements to allay the fears and questions facing this monumental effort. In addition to mention of standard safety protocol and high tech engineering of the craft and plastronauts suits, he pulled an Ace out of his hand when stating they would be landing... AT NIGHT!!! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
warbird 939 Posted January 8, 2019 Share Posted January 8, 2019 A guy on his honeymoon died in a shark attack. He didn't suffer long, he was only married 6 days. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Grande Mastere Dreade 4,169 Posted January 10, 2019 Share Posted January 10, 2019 a9Kn6qK_460svvp9.webm Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Junkyard Dog 20 Posted January 10, 2019 Share Posted January 10, 2019 On 12/21/2018 at 9:33 PM, Grande Mastere Dreade said: The guy on the right looks a like Joe Pesci. Would that make those the three wise guys? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Snaggletooth 5,199 Posted January 10, 2019 Share Posted January 10, 2019 1 hour ago, Junkyard Dog said: The guy on the right looks a like Joe Pesci. Would that make those the three wise guys? ist acttiualley BM the OxeyCleane man...... https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Billy_Mays Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Junkyard Dog 20 Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 On 1/10/2019 at 5:45 PM, Snaggletooth said: ist acttiualley BM the OxeyCleane man...... https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Billy_Mays I know. I was referring to the first picture. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
blunderfull 681 Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 Men are boys with cooler toys: 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Snaggletooth 5,199 Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 Chico isa pissere! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
P_Wop 3,447 Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 25 minutes ago, blunderfull said: Men are boys with cooler toys: Brian Shul. Such a good man. He was here doing his speech to a sell-out crowd at the Hiller Aviation Museum in San Carlos CA just a couple of weeks ago and I took a couple of buddies. Same speech, same SR-71 speed check story. He spent hours signing his big books, "Sled Driver" and "The Untouchables". A good man - covered with burn scar tissue from his fiery fighter crash into the jungle in Vietnam, and a wildlife photographer now. As he said, "I don't shoot bad people now. I shoot butterflies." 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Grande Mastere Dreade 4,169 Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
billy backstay 1,700 Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 10 hours ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said: Okay, I'll bite; what's an IG account? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Glenn McCarthy 281 Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 Instagram, he just erased everyone's IG accounts who are watching that interview. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Laurent 2,002 Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 And who is Alexa? 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
billy backstay 1,700 Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 34 minutes ago, Laurent said: And who is Alexa? Amazons "Smart Speaker" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Laurent 2,002 Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 Billy, Billy, Billy, That was a joke... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
billy backstay 1,700 Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 18 minutes ago, Laurent said: Billy, Billy, Billy, That was a joke... Laurent, Laurent, Laurent, You forgot purple, italic sarcasm font, mate!! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Snaggletooth 5,199 Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 9 minutes ago, billy backstay said: You forgot purple, italic sarcasm font, mate!! No, he juste gotte you. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
d'ranger 4,348 Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 I dunno, the candy gram for Mongo keeps popping up in my brain...... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
floating dutchman 80 Posted January 17, 2019 Share Posted January 17, 2019 11 hours ago, Laurent said: Billy, Billy, Billy, That was a joke... Hey, I didn't know who Alexa was. and I had to google IG account.... I guess I'm not tec savvy enough for that joke to work on me, Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SloopJonB 12,626 Posted January 17, 2019 Share Posted January 17, 2019 I'll bet the first time you use Siri or Alexa you'll say "thank you". Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Lima November 11 Posted January 17, 2019 Share Posted January 17, 2019 2 hours ago, SloopJonB said: I'll bet the first time you use Siri or Alexa you'll say "thank you". As you should. I guess we are not far from the moment where they will start to appreciate it... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gissie 1,758 Posted January 17, 2019 Share Posted January 17, 2019 3 hours ago, floating dutchman said: Hey, I didn't know who Alexa was. and I had to google IG account.... I guess I'm not tec savvy enough for that joke to work on me, Not being tech savvy is not a bad place to be. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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