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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for th

One sunny day in late January 2021, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,

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Rant. VERY, VERY SAD DAY. A good friend of mine, after 7 yrs of medical school and training has been fired for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. He's still paying on his school loans. This just goes to show one minor mistake can ruin your life. Thoughts for him and his family. He really is a great guy and a brilliant veterinarian.

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4 hours ago, Glenn McCarthy said:

Rant. VERY, VERY SAD DAY. A good friend of mine, after 7 yrs of medical school and training has been fired for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. He's still paying on his school loans. This just goes to show one minor mistake can ruin your life. Thoughts for him and his family. He really is a great guy and a brilliant veterinarian.

Too soon after that nutcase raped that woman in a coma (who just had a baby).   That guy is truly a sick person.   

 

Not you Glenn... the male nurse.

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On 1/17/2019 at 10:47 AM, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

we used to worry about the LE spying on us...    now we do it for them..   put monitors in every room so they can listen to everything..   oh, they don't do that you say?   sure.....

 

I will never have something like that in my house...   just fucking why?   are people really so lazy...   it'll be Wall-E time pretty soon if we don't change..

what, you think you're phone isn't doing that anyway? 

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Friend of mine went to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back...
Halfway through he said, "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand..."
The tattooist said "Give us a chance mate, I've only just finished ….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

his turban....

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1 hour ago, mainsheetsister said:

I just heard a joke about Oedipus and Midas. 

It was motherfucking gold.

Great joke! and just for the record, I always get a wistful smile when I read those quotes from your sister, particularly the last one....

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Another old joke but still makes me smile

A truck loaded with a thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed on the Interstate yesterday, shedding it's load across the highway.

You should've seen it, witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed!

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7 hours ago, d'ranger said:

Another old joke but still makes me smile

A truck loaded with a thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed on the Interstate yesterday, shedding it's load across the highway.

You should've seen it, witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed!

 

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Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc.  This is the first warning I have seen for men.  I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.  A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart.  This one caught me totally by surprise.  Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.  Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.  Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.   
 
Here's how the scam works;   Two very beautiful, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle.  They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.  (It's impossible not to look).  When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but 

instead ask for a ride to McDonald's. 
 

You agree and they climb into the vehicle.  On the way, they start undressing.  Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. 
 
I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th.  Also December 1st, 2nd, 8th, twice on the 16th &17th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend. 
 

So tell your friends to be careful.  What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men.  Warn your friends to be vigilant. 
 

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each.  I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores. 
 

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's.  I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Wal-Mart. 
 

So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

 

WL

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Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise, and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city, only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month-anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a small box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you. I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are, and I love golf too. However, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball..."

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At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?"
 
"Yes, coach", replied the little boy."
 
Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
 
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
 
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him an asshole.  Do you understand all that?"
 
Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.
 
The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not a dumb ass decision or that the coach is a shithead, is it?"
 
"No, coach."
 
"Good", said the coach.  "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother."

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 Sensitivity?!?

 

 

Outback Mobile Phone Tower

 Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Bruce, Coot and Bluey.

As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

 As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, "Well, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

 Bruce says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

 Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

 Bluey says, "Where'd you get the beer, Bruce?"

 "Coot's wife gave it to me," Bruce replies.

 "That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?"

 "Well, not exactly," Bruce says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Coot's widow.' She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'"

 Aussies are so good at handling the sensitive stuff.

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43 minutes ago, SloopJohnB said:

 Sensitivity?!?

 

 

Outback Mobile Phone Tower

 Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Bruce, Coot and Bluey.

As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

 As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, "Well, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

 Bruce says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

 Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

 Bluey says, "Where'd you get the beer, Bruce?"

 "Coot's wife gave it to me," Bruce replies.

 "That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?"

 "Well, not exactly," Bruce says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Coot's widow.' She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'"

 Aussies are so good at handling the sensitive stuff.

:D

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Irish Divorce


The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. 


"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously. 


"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home ... and guess what I found?  Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable!  The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!" ; 

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. 

"There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened." 


Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.


"Paddy, there, I told you it must be a simple explanation.  

 

She never got your email!"

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17 minutes ago, SloopJohnB said:

Irish Divorce


The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. 


"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously. 


"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home ... and guess what I found?  Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable!  The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!" ; 

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. 

"There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened." 


Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.


"Paddy, there, I told you it must be a simple explanation.  

 

She never got your email!"

 

Good one!!

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Motor yacht captain: "Hey stewardess, can you find me a phone book?"

"This is 2019, you old fart, we don't have phone books.  We have iPhones."

"OK, well can I borrow your iPhone, please?"

"Sure"

So I beat the bloody cockroach to death.  It took eight or nine blows to finish him off.  A really big bastard.

The phone wasn't in such good shape afterwards.

Now she's locked herself in her cabin crying her little heart out.
 

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Welcome to 2019


Civilization in 2019- this is priceless!!


Our Phones - Wireless
Cooking - Fireless
Cars - Keyless
Food - Fatless
Tires -Tubeless
Dress - Sleeveless
Youth - Jobless
Leaders - Shameless
Relationships - Meaningless
Attitudes - Careless
Babies - Fatherless
Feelings - Heartless
Education - Valueless
Children – Mannerless
 

We are-SPEECHLESS,
Government-is CLUELESS,
And our Politicians-are WORTHLESS!



I'm scared - Shitless!

 

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19 hours ago, SloopJohnB said:

Welcome to 2019


Civilization in 2019- this is priceless!!


Our Phones - Wireless
Cooking - Fireless
Cars - Keyless
Food - Fatless
Tires -Tubeless
Dress - Sleeveless
Youth - Jobless
Leaders - Shameless
Relationships - Meaningless
Attitudes - Careless
Babies - Fatherless
Feelings - Heartless
Education - Valueless
Children – Mannerless
 

We are-SPEECHLESS,
Government-is CLUELESS,
And our Politicians-are WORTHLESS!



I'm scared - Shitless!

 

How can you "react" to your own (admittedly great) post? :)

Oops, never mind the spelling of "jon"/"john".

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Irish Mating Call

 

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.

All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!

He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening.. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.

The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately, there was the answer.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read................


You'll like this 

 






NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

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The Sensitive Man
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..
They get back to his place,
And as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is
completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom,
With hundreds and hundreds of cute,
Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them
And she was immediately touched
 by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf.
Medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf.
And huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy
To have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,
She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.
But doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and,
After a while, she finds herself
thinking,
 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'
 She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips.
 He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds.
And he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom.
Where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,
More creativity, more heat than she
Has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in
The afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her,
Strokes her cheek,  looks deeply into her eyes,

And says:

 'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'

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2 hours ago, Snaggletooth said:

Theire our scarrey elementtes hearer..............                    :)

Indeed... and some more slithered in over with FastBottoms...  poor guy.

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13 hours ago, TheUltimateSockPuppet said:

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3 couples went to the local church to join.  The preacher told them that in order to join the church they must abstain from sex for the next month.  The first couple was in their 70' and said, "We haven't had sex in 20 years, no problem.  The second couple was in their 40's and said, "We'll try, we still like to get frisky now and again".  The preacher said, "The next time that happens pray until those thoughts pass".  The 3rd couple were newly weds.  The husband said, "We will do a lot of praying".

A month later the went back to the church and the preacher asked the first couple and he  said, "It was a piece of cake.  Sex crossed my mind but I went and got a piece of her Angel Food cake and I subsided".  The preacher said, "Welcome to our church.

The second couple said that the praying worked and the preacher welcomed them to the church.

The preached asked the young couple and he replied, "We only lasted 2 days.  She bent over to grab a can of soup and I could not resist and we went at it right there".

The preacher said, "You are not welcome in our church".

And she said, "We aren't welcome in the grocery store either.

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Beer & the Wheel:


The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.  

Beer required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. 
  
Neither the glass bottle nor aluminium can had been invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed. 
  
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer and vice versa. These two were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: 
  
1. Liberals. 
2. Conservatives. 
  
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement. 
  
Other men who were less skilled at hunting (called  'vegetarians'  which
was an early human word meaning  'bad hunter')  learned
to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement. 
  
Some of these liberal men “evolved” into women. Others became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the
meat and beer that Conservatives provided. 
  
Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons. 
  
Modern Liberals like special flavoured beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine spritzers or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary
side note: many liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. 
  
Most college professors, social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, film makers in Hollywood, group therapists and community organizers are liberals. Liberals meddled in our national pastime and invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't
fair to make the pitcher also bat. 
  
Conservatives drink real beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are members of the military, big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives,
athletes, airline pilots, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living. 
  
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America.
They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing. 
  
Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to this post. 
  
A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be shared immediately to other true believers and to just piss-off more liberals. 
  
And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self, I'm going to grab a few beers and grill some steaks! Right after I forward this message

 

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In the sleepy village of Erbum, in the town of Tillet, Hertfordshire lives a lady by the name  Linda Lykes, she owns the local pub called " The Cock Inn " her mail is addressed:    
       Linda Lykes,                  
        The Cock Inn,                                                                  
          Erbum,                                                                                
              Tillet                                                                                 
                Herts.                                                                       
                    England....... The Postie still laughs with every delivery

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The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

“Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, “Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand.

“Don’t we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.

"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But, there’s a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal. Then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea and the call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. “I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness, " said Nicklaus.

“Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

“Well, your Holiness, I don’t like to brag, but even though I’ve played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."