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4 hours ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

the look on your face when you're told you've unloaded 6000 bricks at the wrong location

 

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It can get worse. Years ago a house in Shaughnessy - maximum high end neighbourhood here - was demo'd over a weekend. The following week the owners returned from vacation to advise the crew that it was the house next door that was being replaced. :o

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One sunny day in late January 2021, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,

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6 hours ago, SloopJonB said:

It can get worse. Years ago a house in Shaughnessy - maximum high end neighbourhood here - was demo'd over a weekend. The following week the owners returned from vacation to advise the crew that it was the house next door that was being replaced. :o

Local builders about 20 years ago, got a nice house up to roof height, interstate owner came to look for the first time. "Nice job boys, but I own the block next door."

Owner phoned the guy whose block the house was on and offered him a straight swap plus a carton of beer.  Guy accepted immediately. 

Don't think it would be that easy nowadays.....

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On 1/25/2020 at 1:57 AM, Happy said:

Local builders about 20 years ago, got a nice house up to roof height, interstate owner came to look for the first time. "Nice job boys, but I own the block next door."

Owner phoned the guy whose block the house was on and offered him a straight swap plus a carton of beer.  Guy accepted immediately. 

Don't think it would be that easy nowadays.....

20 years ago was 2000.  We just survived y2k, so I bet it wouldn't have been so easy then either.  

 

Biggest joke of all time next year the 2000 kids will be old enough to drink.

Now you have a reason for your hand shaking as you drink your morning coffee

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4 minutes ago, Leeroy Jenkins said:
On 2/1/2020 at 5:09 PM, Raptorsailor said:

Chink's disease would also work

Prick. 

Hay Leroye, dointe engaige RS if he chooses be demeaneng to ortheres.......               :)

juste my thouht...............             :)

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8 hours ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

say's the person with a 1" dick...

So where did this new asshole come from?

Hey raptorsailor - you know there's a line between funny and being an assmunch, right?  I mean - "kung Flu" is funny, because you know... Kung Fu.  Chink's disease is just... racist and asshole-ish.

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13 hours ago, mainsheetsister said:

Catherine woulda loved this 

 

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Having grown up Catholic (up to about age 10 anyway) I particularly love this one!~

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On 1/27/2020 at 5:58 PM, peragrin said:

20 years ago was 2000.  We just survived y2k, so I bet it wouldn't have been so easy then either.  

 

Biggest joke of all time next year the 2000 kids will be old enough to drink.

Now you have a reason for your hand shaking as you drink your morning coffee

they were old enough to drink two years ago, in the developed world!

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2 hours ago, SPORTSCAR said:

Yep, as you Septics would understand, voting is a very sobering experience.

I'd say the results can be quite sobering.

At least, they were in 2016 in the U.S. But I quickly got over it.

Septics?

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3 hours ago, justsomeguy! said:

I think I meant "nonetheless". Well, I like both Aussies and Kiwis.

Sobering...

Nonetheless makes sense. Your 'just the less' had me as confused as you were.

As for sobering, as long as it isn't followed by 'up' you should be okay.

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4 hours ago, Fat Point Jack said:

Our age was dropped to 18 in a lot of states due to the Vietnam War draft.  If you are old enough to kill, you are old enough to drink.  It's too bad Mothers Against Drunk Drivers wasn't Mothers Against Dead Draftees.

DDAMM  Drunk drivers against madd mothers

federal government tied road money to drinking age

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Hot tip for non-Americans: 

Experience the thrill of the Super Bowl by watching a game of rugby on TV, but pause the action every 10 seconds and then switch to the home shopping channel for 5 minutes. 

Rinse and repeat until you run out of beer.

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23 hours ago, P_Wop said:

Hot tip for non-Americans: 

Experience the thrill of the Super Bowl by watching a game of rugby on TV, but pause the action every 10 seconds and then switch to the home shopping channel for 5 minutes. 

Rinse and repeat until you run out of beer.

VIZ MAGAZINE'S TOP TIPS

EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

BANGING two pistachio nut shells together gives the' impression a very small horse' is approaching.

CAR THIEVES: Don't be discouraged if nothing is on view. The valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

ANGLERS: Attach a helium balloon to your line and bait the hook with an acorn. Then sit under a tree and "fish" for squirrels. An upturned laundry basket would make an ideal keep-net, but don't forget to throw the squirrels back into the tree at the end of the day.

TIGHT-ARSED blokes: Only date girls called Natalie, Carol, Holly or Eve. Chances are their birthday is around Christmas and you won't have to shell out for a present until then, by which time they will have chucked you.

SHOPPERS: Take one grape to the till. It won't register on the low-tech, insensitive scales so you will get it for free. Repeat this procedure 100 times or so and you have yourself a free bunch of grapes.

TOWN COUNCILS: Reduce litter problems by issuing blind folk with pointy sticks.

FEMALE shop assistants: When a garage mechanic comes to your till, add on a selection of random items they didn't know they needed and charge them $50 labor costs for the transaction.

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Another Top Tip from the latest VIZ:

"CAR THIEVES: When breaking into a car in hot weather, carry a chihuahua or other small dog. In the event of being challenged, surreptitiously slip the dog through the broken window and 'heroically rescue' the animal."

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20 minutes ago, P_Wop said:

Another Top Tip from the latest VIZ:

"CAR THIEVES: When breaking into a car in hot weather, carry a chihuahua or other small dog. In the event of being challenged, surreptitiously slip the dog through the broken window and 'heroically rescue' the animal."

OLD UNWANTED telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of all the people you do not know. - Mrs. K Smith, Bristol.

HUSBANDS. Cheer yourself up by watching your wedding video in reverse. You'll love the bit where you give her back the ring, walk back up the aisle, get into a car and fuck off.

WHEN cooking spaghetti, tie all the ends together. That way you can eat it all in one suck, eliminating the drudgery of washing up knives and forks. Johnny Schott, Hackney

 

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A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

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An Italian, Frenchman and redneck were comparing lovemaking skills. The Italian says, ‘When I’ve a finished a makina da love withah my wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above a da bed in ecstacy.

The Frenchman replies. ‘zat is noting, when Ah’ve finished making ze love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body, and zen Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue, and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstacy.joke

The redneck says, ‘That aint nothing. When I’ve finished porkin the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the winder and wipe my weener on the curtains. She hits the f****n’ ceiling.

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I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy
crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, “Morning.”
He said, “No, just taking a sh*t..”

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Her Trip to Rome

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable. 

 A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..  She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:   "Rome?  Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome.  So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking Continental” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”  

“Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's  Tiber River called Teste.”  

"Don't go any further. I know that place.  Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump.”

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him.  He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.” 

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..  

And the Taste hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!”

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope.”  

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.  

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me..”  

"Oh, really!  What'd he say?”   

 

 

 

He said: "Who fucked up your hair?

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On 2/19/2020 at 11:17 AM, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

the only thing flat earthers fear,  is sphere itself..

Jokes aside, I knew a flat earther ... short chick, built like a brick shithouse. Ran architectural software. Absolutely convinced of the flatness of Earth.

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On 11/7/2019 at 9:46 PM, warbird said:

My barber asked, "how do you want it cut?"

I replied "a little longer on the left, a few spots spiked out here book and here. Shorter on the right with spikes sticking out there. Cut some really short spots on top and just zig zag across the back."

My barber said"I dont know if I can do it that way".

I said sure you can, you did it last month.... 

 

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