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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for th

One sunny day in late January 2021, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,

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A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

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An Italian, Frenchman and redneck were comparing lovemaking skills. The Italian says, ‘When I’ve a finished a makina da love withah my wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above a da bed in ecstacy.

The Frenchman replies. ‘zat is noting, when Ah’ve finished making ze love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body, and zen Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue, and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstacy.joke

The redneck says, ‘That aint nothing. When I’ve finished porkin the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the winder and wipe my weener on the curtains. She hits the f****n’ ceiling.

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I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy
crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, “Morning.”
He said, “No, just taking a sh*t..”

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Her Trip to Rome

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable. 

 A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..  She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:   "Rome?  Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome.  So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking Continental” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”  

“Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's  Tiber River called Teste.”  

"Don't go any further. I know that place.  Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump.”

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him.  He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.” 

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..  

And the Taste hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!”

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope.”  

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.  

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me..”  

"Oh, really!  What'd he say?”   

 

 

 

He said: "Who fucked up your hair?

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On 2/19/2020 at 11:17 AM, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

the only thing flat earthers fear,  is sphere itself..

Jokes aside, I knew a flat earther ... short chick, built like a brick shithouse. Ran architectural software. Absolutely convinced of the flatness of Earth.

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On 11/7/2019 at 9:46 PM, warbird said:

My barber asked, "how do you want it cut?"

I replied "a little longer on the left, a few spots spiked out here book and here. Shorter on the right with spikes sticking out there. Cut some really short spots on top and just zig zag across the back."

My barber said"I dont know if I can do it that way".

I said sure you can, you did it last month.... 

 

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Last night I was with an old friend as he breathed his last. This was a man who survived two tours of duty, walked away from a high-speed bike crash that left his Kawasaki a tangled mess, served for years as a volunteer firefighter, a tough plain-spoken honest man who I was privileged to know.

I stood by his bedside watching him slowly fade. Suddenly he stirred, made eye contact, tried to speak. His mask and various tubes and drips made it hard for him. I passed him a pen and paper, he started writing something, determined to get it down, and then froze. There was that horrible flatlining sound from the machines. Nurses and a doctor rushed in, but he was gone.

Overcome with grief, I pocketed the note and went home. This morning I finally felt ready to read his final message to me. It was hard to decipher, his writing was weak and shaky, but finally I worked out what it was.

"You're standing on my fucking oxygen line you fat stupid cunt."

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Subject: Fwd:  Grammar Lesson



 



Everyone can use a little “grammar” update now and then;

So here’s yours for today... enjoy!
No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the
difference between these two words - "Complete" or "Finished".

However in a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended
by, supposedly the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man,
was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5
minutes.

The final question was: 'How do you explain the difference between
COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people
say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.'

Here is his astute answer:

"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.  When you marry the
wrong woman, you are FINISHED.  And when the right one catches you
with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

He won a trip around the world and a case of 25 year old Scotch!

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On 2/14/2020 at 7:53 AM, justsomeguy! said:

I just spoke with Bill Withers and told him that "ain't no sunshine" was poor grammar.

He replied "I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know...

How do you make a duck sing?

Put it in hot water until its bill withers. 

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10 hours ago, SloopJonB said:

Apparently he couldn't take it any longer.:D

Here in the US, there are old dead guys hanging out at the strip club in the same spot.

Or soon to be dead, or something...

 

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I picked up a hitch-hiker.  After a time he asked me if I wasn't afraid he might be a serial killer.

I told him that the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were pretty low.

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1 hour ago, P_Wop said:

I picked up a hitch-hiker.  After a time he asked me if I wasn't afraid he might be a serial killer.

I told him that the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were pretty low.

That reminds of an experience I had picking up a hitch hiker back in 1977 when I was around 22 years old.  I had gotten out of the Army almost a year before and I hadn't shaved or cut my hair since that time.  I was driving with a good friend of mine that had also come home from the Army about when I did, and he looked equally scruffy.  We were going to visit my brother at his university which was bout a 3 1/2 drive from our homes.  Shortly after leaving our town we saw this guy a little younger than we were, hitch hiking.  Since my friend and I had both spent some time hitch hiking in our earlier years we usually picked up folks as long as they looked reasonable.  Now it's important to know that my friend is a bit of a knife aficionado and he still is, he probably has a collection of a couple of hundred knives of all kinds now.  (he also owns about 30 or 40 rifles and handguns, along with a few thousand rounds of ammunition in various calibers, but that's another story.  Amurica, right?).

So we pulled over and the hitch hiker came to the car.  We asked where he was going and he said to the same university where my brother was.  We told him we happened to be going there and we would be happy to take him along, so he happily hopped into the car.  The university while a big one, is in the middle of the state of Pennsylvania and surrounded by miles of nothing but forest and an occasional farm, so the guy was happy to get a ride directly to his destination so quickly.  Actually the school is SA's own Gouvernail's alma mater as well.  Gouv grew up about 20 miles from my hometown.

So we are driving along making small talk.  My friend had just purchased a couple of Buck 110 Folding Hunter knives, a lock blade knife with a 3 3/4" folding blade.  It is still one of the best knives on the market for the money, I have had the same one for about 45 years now and it has served me well.  Well my friend liked his folding knives to open and close easily and he would oil the joint and then open and close the knife repeatedly for some time to get it working so he could flick it open quickly with his thumb.  As we are talking, my friend, sitting up front with me is working a knife in each hand, while our passenger was in the back of my lovely AMC Pacer.  The sound snick, snick, snick, over and over was the soundtrack as we talked.  About halfway to our destination, I mentioned to our passenger that we were needing some lunch and we would stop soon, and I would even buy his lunch for him.  As we pulled into the restaurant parking lot, the young gent said that he was actually in a bit of a hurry and he would catch another ride, but thanks for the ride and the lunch offer.  I had barely stopped the car when the guy opened the door and almost ran out of the car.

I looked at my friend, I looked at his knives and I said "Gee Don, I think we scared the poor guy half to death.  He probably thinks we were going to murder him in the middle of the forest along the way."  My friend just smiled as he snicked his knives open and closed a couple more times and then we went to eat.

That guy is probably still telling his grand kids about these 2 creepy looking, scruffy, bearded, long haired guys that picked him up when he was hitch hiking when he was young, and how he escaped a near certain, grisly death and dismemberment.  And then he probably told them never ever to hitch hike, there are crazy people out there.  I wonder if he ever hitch hiked again.

I have come real close to being stabbed 2 different times in my life (who knew that being a cook was such a hazardous job), and almost shot once, by an angry girlfriend, but those are other stories too.

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So let me fill in the blanks.  You got in a knife fight with the hitchhiking guy, and managed to get stabbed twice in the process.  Naturally you cooked him up for your girlfriend’s dinner (who was secretly dating Gouv) and she got pissed about the food and tries to shoot you?

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28 minutes ago, Windward said:

So let me fill in the blanks.  You got in a knife fight with the hitchhiking guy, and managed to get stabbed twice in the process.  Naturally you cooked him up for your girlfriend’s dinner (who was secretly dating Gouv) and she got pissed about the food and tries to shoot you?

Who told you!!!???

It had to be that dirty bastard Gouv, besides me he's the only one still alive that knows the sordid tale.

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31 minutes ago, Snaggletooth said:

I adgree.  Ime am allso sick an tierde hime yelleng "We our! We our! Weour!"                                              :)

My brother went to school there too.  I always ask him "We are what?  Child abusers?"

My sister and her husband also went there, it's where they met and got married.  Fortunately they have a life beyond a university they graduated from 50 years ago.

There was no way in hell I was going to go to school there, somebody had to break the chain.  I don't care what Fleetwood Mac said about that kind of thing!  And those fucking hypocrites (I'm looking at you Stevie!) went and broke the chain anyway.

Funny thing is that my daughter ended up graduating from my university, also in PA but a much smaller and less renowned school, thank goodness.   I never really thought she would end up living in Pennsylvania, let alone graduate from my alma mater.   And she even got a useful degree in Science unlike her father that majored in theater.

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I was heading to that place as well and stopped at the same place you did for lunch.  When the waiter brought our food out, he had is thumb pressed deeply into my steak.  I said "would you mind taking your thumb out of my steak?".  He looked at me strangely and said "what? and let it fall on the floor again?"

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16 hours ago, Ed Lada said:

 

 

come real close to being stabbed 2 different times in my life (who knew that being a cook was such a hazardous job), and almost shot once, by an angry girlfriend, but those are other stories too.

I came closer than you on 2 knife incidents(major ouchies) and been shot at a couple of times in the great Keystone State

Gotta love Pennsyltuckey!

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1 hour ago, Sail4beer said:

I came closer than you on 2 knife incidents(major ouchies) and been shot at a couple of times in the great Keystone State

Gotta love Pennsyltuckey!

Hey!  People from Pennsylvania are quite nice, especially compared to folks from New Jersey.  :P  What did you do to piss us off so badly?  Were they police?

As far as the stab wounds, that's just proof that I could run faster than you could!   :lol:

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Every day in a hospital is filled with human drama.

In one room, a father hugs his son for the first time.

In a another room, a son hugs his father for the last time.

In a third room, there's a guy with a Barbie doll stuck in his lower colon.

It's the circle of life.

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14 hours ago, burndoc said:

I am going to have a QuarintiNi

 

 

It is a regular martini but I stay at home and drink it by myself

 

Interesting factoid on NPR yesterday.  Woman has a podcast on the etymology of scientific words.  "Quarantine" came about during the black plague. There was a busy port in Croatia that was controlled by Italy in the 1400's.  When a ship arrived, everyone had to stay on the ship for 30 days.  Then they changed it to 40 days, and the Italian word was "quarant" or something like that, and voila!!

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image.thumb.png.085c054df24d75b931e33865d72c3c9e.png

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A racist,  a rapist, and a fake blonde walk into a bar.

Sais the bartender....

 

 

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Good evening Mr. President!

 

 

 

 

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On 3/16/2020 at 4:04 PM, 10thTonner said:

A racist,  a rapist, and a fake blonde walk into a bar.

Sais the bartender....

.

Good evening Mr. President!

 

 

 

 

But Clinton isn't a fake blonde....

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Since I am in the business, this one still seems funny. Gallows humor...

 

What's the difference between a seagull and a stock broker? 

The Seagull can still make a deposit on a new Porche