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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for th

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6 hours ago, Snaggletooth said:
nigdy nie była miła, nikt jej nie lubi              :)

I think Bill likes her a little.  Maybe.

2 hours ago, Merrill Levi said:

Snagg's is understandable in Polish - who knew !

Snaggs was born to write in Polish.  All of the letters  in the words already come pre-scrambled!

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2 hours ago, Ed Lada said:

I think Bill likes her a little.  Maybe.

Snaggs was born to write in Polish.  All of the letters  in the words already come pre-scrambled!

....and not always enough vowels. 

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Ad on a South African newspaper site:

For only R3000 we come to your house dressed as a coronavirus rescue team to rescue you from your wife.

We take you to your girlfriend's place for 14 days quarantine, and bring you back home afterwards.

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32 minutes ago, P_Wop said:

If you get an email with "knock knock" in the subject line, do NOT open it. 

It's a Jehovah's Witness working from home.

:D Last Christmas I got an Advent calendar from the Witness'.

When I opened the doors it told me to fuck off.

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On 3/26/2020 at 1:47 PM, Innocent Bystander said:

Provide the identical lead angle and tailing angle on both sides. As I recall, the stbd  winches loaded counter clockwise and the port clockwise. 
 

Did it really make a difference?  Doubtful. 

ask the aussies about it

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15 minutes ago, 167149 said:

ask the aussies about it

Here by us Down Under everything is upside-down back-to-front and frequently drunk.

You may ask but don't expect an answer that makes sense.

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11 hours ago, 167149 said:

ask the aussies about it

Aussies loaded their back stay or runners onto a Genoa winch, the resultant compression load on the deck not designed for those forces caused a catastrophic failure .

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Tearful Trump Reassures Nation Wealthiest Businesses Will Be Bailed Out

Trump-stimulus-package-e1585230509728.jp“THEY tried to make me waste all the money on people, healthcare workers and medical supplies, but I fought for what’s important; executive pay, bonuses and wealthy businesses,” President Trump tearfully confirmed to reporters after a historic $2 trillion stimulus package was passed by the US Senate.

 

Trump spent long portions of the latest media briefing loudly tutting in disagreement with every measure of the funding package that went directly to people who needed it most, and not the real victims of all this; massive corporations and billionaires.

The president’s consistent reasoning, that ‘it’s only 1-2% of the population that’ll die, big deal’ so why bother trying to stop Covid-19 if it means precious capitalism will suffer, led a journalist to ask in that case could Trump identify 1 or 2 of his loved ones he wouldn’t shed a tear over losing.

“Easy. Eric and Don Jr, next stupid question,” replied the president, taking a break from blubbering over the pain trying to avoid killing vulnerable people was causing the economy.

Doing the quick math in his head the president added “1% of the entire US population dying, what’s that 108 people? Oh, it’s 3.2 million? OK, well, would you rather huge corporations pay their own way using their massive cash piles and assets or just have 3 million people die instead? Exactly, can you believe people think old people are more important than the economy? Hey, I’m ‘pro-life’ or whatever but it’s crazy. We can just make more people.”

Now collapsing into himself, bereft, tears cascading down his cheeks Trump blubbed “I just hope the $500 billion for businesses can be exploited by executives to pay themselves record bonuses, I hope there are enough short-sighted loopholes. If that’s not the case I’ve failed”.

Trump went on to ask his elderly voters to fulfill their patriotic duty and euthanise themselves so that executive bonuses and vast profits can live on.

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On 3/25/2020 at 3:28 PM, billy backstay said:

 

On most AC boats, one side is reversed compared to the other.  Don't remember which is clockwise and which is counter??

IIRC, it was taking the sheet lead to the outside where the torsional load on the winch base could be led to the hull layup.

Apparently when One Australia snapped in two, they had led a sheet to a secondary on an angle that didn't have that load path resolved.  But they had saved a few ounces in the deck in the layup.  But I was just a spectator on a stake boat, so I don't really know what the forensics finally were.  

I guess there's a joke in there someplace.  Maybe it's the Fosters logo on the sail.

th.jpeg

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8 minutes ago, Left Shift said:

IIRC, it was taking the sheet lead to the outside where the torsional load on the winch base could be led to the hull layup.

Apparently when One Australia snapped in two, they had led a sheet to a secondary on an angle that didn't have that load path resolved.  But they had saved a few ounces in the deck in the layup.  But I was just a spectator on a stake boat, so I don't really know what the forensics finally were.  

I guess there's a joke in there someplace.  Maybe it's the Fosters logo on the sail.

th.jpeg

 

It makes sense to have clockwise to port and counterclockwise to starboard to direct line feed to the tailer behind the winch...

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2 minutes ago, billy backstay said:

 

It makes sense to have clockwise to port and counterclockwise to starboard to direct line feed to the tailer behind the winch...

That would also make sense.  

Now, where's my Fosters?  

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4 hours ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

this ?

 

I remember seeing pics of that boat before it folded up. The deck ended straight across at the mast - little or no attempt to curve it away to the sheer or any other sort of gusset effect. To add to it there was essentially no side deck behind it to stiffen the hull.

I asked (myself) at the time "haven't they ever heard of stress risers"? It looked like an incredibly weak point in the longitudinal stiffness.

And shortly thereafter I was proved right.

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7 hours ago, Left Shift said:

I guess there's a joke in there someplace.  Maybe it's the Fosters logo on the sail.

th.jpeg

Steinlager had a full page ad in Kiwi papers immediately after this.

"Only one thing goes down faster than a Steinlager" above a photo of this.

Some ad guy made his bonus.

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4 minutes ago, Gissie said:

Steinlager had a full page ad in Kiwi papers immediately after this.

"Only one thing goes down faster than a Steinlager" above a photo of this.

Some ad guy made his bonus.

I recall some magazine article that said some naval architect types estimated that One Australia was doing about 30 knots when it hit the bottom.  

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A sad story today.  

After seven years of medical training a friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion.

He slept with a patient.

He can no longer work in the profession he loves.  What a bloody waste of time, training and money.

He's a genuinely nice bloke, and a brilliant veterinarian.

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4 hours ago, Gissie said:

Steinlager had a full page ad in Kiwi papers immediately after this.

"Only one thing goes down faster than a Steinlager" above a photo of this.

Some ad guy made his bonus.

I know we are a bit off topic, but this thread also make interesting reading, some humor in it as well.

 

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On 3/29/2020 at 3:19 PM, Snaggletooth said:

When our you startteng Jonbey Boates?                                                           :)

Too old - but if I did, none would ever fold in 1/2.

A trucker dropped the Quarter Pounder I built on its side and there was zero damage but a bent stern rail where it hit a tree.

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9 hours ago, SloopJonB said:

Too old - but if I did, none would ever fold in 1/2.

A trucker dropped the Quarter Pounder I built on its side and there was zero damage but a bent stern rail where it hit a tree.

Meh, that's all you got?

I'm sure Brent Swain could teach you a thing or two.

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8 hours ago, Ed Lada said:

Meh, that's all you got?

I'm sure Brent Swain could teach you a thing or two.

yea!  did the trucker repeatedly drive over it thereby simulating the ENORMOUS forces of grinding on reef? I didn't think so.

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On 3/30/2020 at 7:07 AM, Major Tom said:

I know we are a bit off topic, but this thread also make interesting reading, some humor in it as well.

 

I remember the day and the night fixing all the others very well.:P

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Billy and Tommy met up at the town's big soapbox races. 

Tommy says to Billy, "Say! That's the coolest soapbox car I've ever seen! How did you make it?"

Billy replies, "I used my Dad's iron lung. 

"Oh, wow," says Tommy, "what did your Dad say?"

"Hhnnnnngggghhhhhhkhgg."

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1 hour ago, cmilliken said:

20147643_3_600_660.jpg.f7f333222afb0f8abe1204e804b23192.jpg

Our old dog did a similar thing BITD. We hosted foreign students and one of them took him for a long, long walk one day. The poor thing was so tired that on the last hill he sat down and just growled when Yuji tried to get him moving.

After that if he saw the leash in Yuji's hand he would growl and snap at him. :D

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The only way to pull off a lockdown afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.


He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted.

'An ambulance just drove by!'

'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.

'Matt's out on his bike and his mum is telling him off'

'Looks as if the Sanders are going into full isolation!'

'Jason has had his skate board taken off him

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are shagging!!'

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know that?'

'Jimmy Coopers on his balcony with a Mars Bar'.


 

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not sure where else to put this ,  but imagine being 65 years old and having a newborn 1/2 sister..

Quote

Former Formula One boss and billionaire ghoul of note Bernie Ecclestone has confirmed that his 44-year-old wife of 8 years Fabiana Flosi is with child. This will be Ecclestone’s first child with his third wife. His eldest, Deborah (65), was born to his first wife Ivy Bamford before having two further daughters with his second wife Slavica Radic, Tamara (35), and Petra (31).

he's 90 btw...   if it's his..

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55 minutes ago, floating dutchman said:

 

That must make for some awkward family meals.

Nah, it's all sweet. Daddy's a generous billionaire, everybody's happy.

Becoming a father at age 90 is pretty special. It's amazing what science (or the pool maintenance guy) can do.

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10 hours ago, floating dutchman said:

His wife is 21 years YOUNGER than his daughter?

That must make for some awkward family meals.

Bill Wyman and his son hold the record for that sort of thing.

Wyman married the daughter of his son's wife.

Just try and figure out the "inlaw" and "step" relationships of that one

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9 hours ago, Happy said:

Nah, it's all sweet. Daddy's a generous billionaire, everybody's happy.

Becoming a father at age 90 is pretty special. It's amazing what science (or the pool maintenance guy) can do.

i'm sure she popped one out to make sure she gets her share of any inheritance..   and i don't think anything that pops out of her is going to look like a troll.. 

NINTCHDBPICT000503736555-1-e158590301978

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11 minutes ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

i'm sure she popped one out to make sure she gets her share of any inheritance..   and i don't think anything that pops out of here is going to look like a troll.. 

NINTCHDBPICT000503736555-1-e158590301978

50/50 odds at least - Bernie has some strong genes. It's just that he was shorted in the area of cosmetics.

By the way, you do realize they are standing on the same step? :D

The troll is 5'2"

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1 hour ago, SloopJonB said:

Bill Wyman and his son hold the record for that sort of thing.

Wyman married the daughter of his son's wife.

Just try and figure out the "inlaw" and "step" relationships of that one

his son married Mandy Smith's mother after his father divorced Mandy,  so get your story straight..  btw Bill started dating Mandy when she was 13..

 

Quote

Ahh, but here’s where it gets even stranger?  Stephen Paul, Bill Wymans first son would grow up to Marry Mandy Smith’s Mother, Patsy Smith. You got that? Yep!, Bill Wymans son, grew up and married his Step- Mothers MOTHER!…

 

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1 hour ago, SloopJonB said:

50/50 odds at least - Bernie has some strong genes. It's just that he was shorted in the area of cosmetics.

By the way, you do realize they are standing on the same step? :D

The troll is 5'2"

he IS 90.  what do you think you're going to look like when you're 90 ?

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9 minutes ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

his son married Mandy Smith's mother after his father divorced Mandy,  so get your story straight..  btw Bill started dating Mandy when she was 13..

Oh, sorry. I didn't realize they had become a perfectly normal family.

And get your hands off my sister, uncle dad.

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5 hours ago, SloopJonB said:

Bill Wyman and his son hold the record for that sort of thing.

Wyman married the daughter of his son's wife.

Just try and figure out the "inlaw" and "step" relationships of that one

There's a USA country song just for that occasion "I'm my own grandpa".  .  .

 

Edited by sailingjlw66
misspelled word and added video
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19 hours ago, SloopJonB said:

Oh, sorry. I didn't realize they had become a perfectly normal family.

And get your hands off my sister, uncle dad.

"You can bang anything,

That you find in the farmyard,

But don't touch your sister,

She's mine."

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Apologies if previously posted - warning it's pretty long.

The Best British Gag Ever

A man and his wife are dining out for the evening for a multi-course meal in an expensive Italian restaurant.

The lights are low, the tables are lit by candle, the air is punctuated with the smell of fresh pizza dough, herbs and spices. They hear romantic music, piano music, gently played in the background. It’s a truly remarkable evening.

Towards the end of the meal, the man walks over to the piano player to compliment him on his beautiful song choice.

Man: “The song you were just playing, what is it called?”

Piano Player: “Bitches and Hoes ain’t Shit”

Man: “and the song before that?”

Piano Player: “My Daddy ain’t no Motherfucker, no more”

Man: “and the first song you played”

Piano Player: “Let me stroke your wet spot, baby”

By now, the man is incredulous, his British flabber is well and truly ghasted.

Man: “but, but … these songs, they are so beautiful and yet they have such crude and filthy names, why?”

Piano Player: “well, they are all of my own composition and they are instrumental only, no lyrics. It’s just a bit or fun really, no one ever asks what they’re called.”

Man: “I see, I see. Well, I came over to congratulate you in the first instance for your contribution to such a wonderfully enjoyable evening for my wife and I.”

“Secondly, I was planning to invite you to play at our mansion next Friday for an important dinner party we are hosting … but now that I know what your songs are titled … I’m not so sure that’s such a good idea”

Piano Player: “Thank you for the compliment, and I am available to play next Friday if you wish.”

Man: “Well, you may play, but on the strict condition that you do not reveal those horrendously crude song names to any of our guests.”

Piano Player: “Agreed”


Next Friday rolls around and the door bell rings at 7:25pm for a 7:30pm dinner invitation. Stood at the door is a dishevelled looking piano player, all hurried and bothered. The man answers the door.

Man: “Where have you been? The party starts in 5 minutes, our guests will be arriving any minute now!”

Piano Player: “I’m sorry, the bus was late. Then there was traffic. I got here as fast as I could.”

Man: “Come in, Come in. Hurry yourself up”.

Piano Player: ”May I first use your restroom to freshen up and have a wank.”

Man: “Yes, sure it’s up the stairs first on the … wait!” “What was that last part?”

Piano Player: “Have a wank, y’know beat the meat. Flog the dolphin. Stroke the salami.”. “It relaxes me”

Man: “Yes! Yes! bathroom is up the stairs, first on the left.” “Please do hurry, our guests will be here any minute now.”

The piano player runs up the stairs, locks the bathroom door and furiously attends to his business.


5 minutes later, the bathroom door opens and a relaxed, perfectly presented and coiffured piano player presents himself at the top of the stairs.

The man is stood at the bottom of the stairs patiently awaiting his appearance.

As the Piano player descends the stairs, the man notices:

Man: “My god man, don’t you know your zip is down, your cock’s hanging out and there’s spunk all over your trousers?”

Piano Player: “Know it? I fucking WROTE IT!”

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Irishman's first drink with his son


While reading an article last night about fathers and the sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.


Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.


I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.


Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager?


He didn't. I drank it.


I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope!


In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest whisky.


He wouldn't even smell it.


What could I do but drink it!


By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!!!


Irish Confession


I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.

Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.


On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.


When the priest came in, I said to him,"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

He replied, "You moron, you're on my side."

 


AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO


An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.


She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked."


With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"


As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed: "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings (and her clothes) and quickly departed.


The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked,"What did she roll?"


The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching the dice."


MORAL OF THE STORY:


Not all Irish are drunks.


Not all blondes are dumb.


But all men....are men.
_________


______________________________ __


Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they decide to take them to a police station.


Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"


Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
______________________________ __



Mick goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy", he tells the vet.


Vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".


Mick says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
______________________________ __



Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope: "DO NOT BEND ".


Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.
______________________________ __



Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.


Cop says "For God's sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"
______________________________ __



Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, 'Not guilty.'


'That's grand!' shouted Reilly. 'Does that mean I can keep the money?'
______________________________ __


An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.


His wife says: "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"


The farmer does. Two weeks later the dog is still missing.


"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.


"Here boy" he replies.
______________________________ __



Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.


"What the hell you doing?" he asks.


"Hanging myself", Paddy replies.


"It should be around your neck", says the Guard.


"I know", says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe."
______________________________ __


An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"


To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."


______________________________ __



Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.


Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
______________________________ __



Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?'


'No,' said himself, 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.'
______________________________ __



Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her out of it.


Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?


Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.
______________________________ __



Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. 'Quick!'he said. 'Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!'


'Tell me, is this her first baby?' the intern asked.


'No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'.'
______________________________ __



Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
______________________________ __



My Mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life; and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?

 

--

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A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells husbands.

When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

The 1st floor sign reads: Floor 1- These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2- These men have jobs and love kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3: These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4- These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and the sign reads: Floor 5- These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with housework and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay. But she goes to the 6th floor.

The sign reads: Floor 6- You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store!!

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives Store across the street. The 1st floor has wives who love sex. The 2nd floor has wives who love sex and have money. The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.

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1947 & 1948 - Do You Believe In Coincidences?

The year was 1947. Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, nearly 73 years ago, numerous witnesses claim that an Unidentified Flying Object, (UFO), with five aliens aboard, crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico.

This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered-up by the U.S. Air Force, and other Federal Agencies.

However, what you may NOT know is that during the month of April 1948, nine months after the historic day, the following people were born:

Mike Pence
Donald Trump
Paul Manafort
Mitch McConnell

This is the obvious consequence of aliens breeding with sheep and jack-asses.

I know, I know, take it to PA.  But I thought it was amusing.

 

EDIT: I've been told this is not true. #45 1946; Pence 1959; Manafort 1949; McConnell 1942.  Fun anyway. YMMV.

 

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1 hour ago, P_Wop said:

EDIT: I've been told this is not true. #45 1946; Pence 1959; Manafort 1949; McConnell 1942.  Fun anyway. YMMV.

 

Doesn't mean the breeding thing was incorrect - aliens have been visiting for a long. long time.

Personally I think all those assholes are Lizard People.

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19 hours ago, P_Wop said:

Red above.  Fire below.  And batshit crazy all over.

I find them all batshit crazy, fed head or not. Too many X chromosomes. That's why men are saner. The Y breaks it up

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1 hour ago, MR.CLEAN said:

did you always know your preference or did you only discover it at an advanced age

Ha.  25 years of marriage I know what I am. NTTAWWT the other way.  As a teenager we were complaining about our girlfriends crap. Someone suggested maybe go the other way.  We kind of all went silent until someone said dealing with crazy guys probably worse. My wife would say I am probably more a PITA than her.  

Now to visit the cleavage thread

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