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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for th

One sunny day in late January 2021, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,

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WHY CADDIES ARE NO LONGER USED AT MOST GOLF COURSES
 
Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake." 
Caddy: "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."
 
Golfer: "I'd move Heaven and Earth to be able to break 100 on this course." 
Caddy: "Try Heaven. You've already moved most of the Earth."
 
Golfer: "This is the worst golf course I've ever played on!" 
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course, sir. We left that an hour ago."
 
Golfer: "Well. I have never played this badly before!" 
Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, sir."
 
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time, Caddy. It's distracting!" 
Caddy: "This isn't a watch, sir. It's a compass!"
 
Golfer: "Caddy, do you think it's a sin to play golf on Sunday?" 
Caddy: "The way you play, sir - it's a sin any day of the week."
 
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, caddy. It looks far too old." 
Caddy. "It's a long time since we started, sir."
 
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?" 
Caddy: "Eventually."
 
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" 
Caddy: "I doubt it. That would be too much of a coincidence.“
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17 hours ago, justsomeguy! said:
WHY CADDIES ARE NO LONGER USED AT MOST GOLF COURSES
 
Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake." 
Caddy: "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."
 
Golfer: "I'd move Heaven and Earth to be able to break 100 on this course." 
Caddy: "Try Heaven. You've already moved most of the Earth."
 
Golfer: "This is the worst golf course I've ever played on!" 
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course, sir. We left that an hour ago."
 
Golfer: "Well. I have never played this badly before!" 
Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, sir."
 
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time, Caddy. It's distracting!" 
Caddy: "This isn't a watch, sir. It's a compass!"
 
Golfer: "Caddy, do you think it's a sin to play golf on Sunday?" 
Caddy: "The way you play, sir - it's a sin any day of the week."
 
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, caddy. It looks far too old." 
Caddy. "It's a long time since we started, sir."
 
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?" 
Caddy: "Eventually."
 
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" 
Caddy: "I doubt it. That would be too much of a coincidence.“

As a former caddie, I approve wholeheartedly.

Lug a big heavy pro bag on your shoulder for 3 hours on a busy Sunday morning, lucky to get a Coke at the turn, and then the cheap SOB gives you $2.50 and thinks you should be grateful for it.   Occasionally you would get lucky and the guy would give you 5 bucks! 

And don't get me started on the women.  They would tee up, take a mighty swing and the ball would dribble down the fairway for maybe 75 yards if there was a tailwind.  

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The president is walking out of the White House towards his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims his gun.

A Secret Service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the Secret Service agent’s supervisor asks him, “Why the hell did you shout Mickey Mouse?”

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout...... Donald, duck!”

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VATICAN COFFEE SHOP...

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's 
Square. 

The first Catholic man tells his friends, 
"My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." 

The second Catholic man chirps, 
"My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." 
  

The third Catholic gent says, 
"My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'." 

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, 
"My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your 
Holiness'." 

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four
Men give her a subtle,"Well....?" 
  
She proudly replies,  "I have a daughter, 
  
SLIM, TALL, 38E BREASTS, 24" WAIST and 36" HIPS. 


 JC.jpg.d8ad479c00c2263c2939d8775cb86ff2.jpg
  
"When she walks into a room, people quietly say, Jesus Christ"

 

 

 

 

 

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A man was playing golf one day and he got lost.

He saw a young lady playing up ahead of him and went over to her and said,

“Can you please help me? I don’t know what hole I’m on”

She told him,

“You are one hole behind me, I’m on 7 and you are on 6.”

He thanked her and carried on playing golf.

On the back nine, he got lost again.

He saw the same woman and went over to her again,

“I’m sorry to bother you but I’m lost again, can you please tell me what hole I’m on?”

She told him

“You are one hole behind me, I’m on 14 and you are on 13” Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse.

He went over to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out.

She accepted.

As they were drinking and chatting he asked her what she did for a living.

“I’m in sales” He replied, “No kidding so am I, what do you sell?”

She said It’s too embarrassing to tell.

But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she’d tell him if he promised not to laugh.

He promised.

She said, “I sell tampons”

The old man immediately fell to the floor laughing his socks off.

She said, “You promised you wouldn’t laugh!”

“I’m so sorry,” he replied,

“but I couldn’t help it… I sell toilet paper, I’m still one hole behind you!”

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image.png.19021d575853ade5d570bbab0a45516c.png

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted!

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She: "Do you think I've put on weight since we've been in lockdown?"

He: "You mean on top of all the fat you already had?"

Time of death: 4:45pm

Cause of death: Covid 19.

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10 hours ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

Rhino Records just announced they will be making an 80 CD Box set of the Grateful Dead.

No word on which song it will be.

:lol:

Brother had a laptop that was slow to load. Memory was 98% full of Dead music.  He wouldn't erase any of it. I imagine he has since acquired some portable memory.

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On 5/3/2020 at 11:23 AM, SloopJonB said:

We stayed in a hotel in San Juan P. R. owned by a woman who had cockatoos and parrots.

She let me have one stand on my arm and that was interesting - I thought birds gripped with their feet when they did something like that but they just stand there.

Shortly after I got back I ran a cross a line that described that woman absolutely perfectly.

"She was not what you'd call refined".

"She was not what you'd call unrefined".

"She was the kind of woman who'd keep a parrot". :D

Bob approves...

IMG_E6361.JPG

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5 hours ago, d'ranger said:

93409518_517750669110525_236827271250313

I laughed. I'm embarrassed, but I laughed. There's just something about a well played pun!

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19 hours ago, On The Hard said:

I laughed. I'm embarrassed, but I laughed. There's just something about a well played pun!

A pun is the lowest form of wit, it does not tax the brain a bit.

One merely takes a word that's plain and picks another that sounds the same. 

To this the writer adds a twist that much delights the humorist. 

A sample now will help to show how a good pun ought to go.

It's not the cough that carries you off, it's the coffin they carry you off in.

 

Treasury of Modern Humor,  1940.

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24 minutes ago, warbird said:

A pun is the lowest form of wit, it does not tax the brain a bit.

One merely takes a word that's plain and picks another that sounds the same. 

To this the writer adds a twist that much delights the humorist. 

A sample now will help to show how a good pun ought to go.

It's not the cough that carries you off, it's the coffin they carry you off in.

 

Treasury of Modern Humor,  1940.

I don't know where you found that, but it's a gem! (And particularly apropos!)  

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53 minutes ago, warbird said:

A pun is the lowest form of wit, it does not tax the brain a bit.

One merely takes a word that's plain and picks another that sounds the same. 

To this the writer adds a twist that much delights the humorist. 

A sample now will help to show how a good pun ought to go.

It's not the cough that carries you off, it's the coffin they carry you off in.

 

Treasury of Modern Humor,  1940.

 

29 minutes ago, On The Hard said:

I don't know where you found that, but it's a gem! (And particularly apropos!)  

I have (had before the move) the book "Treasury of Modern Humor, 1940"  Exceleent stuff, some that doesn't translate well to 2020. 

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5 hours ago, warbird said:

A pun is the lowest form of wit,

Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.

Can't you get anything right?

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One freezing winter's night, a wee Scotsman tells his wife: "I'm going doon the pub, better get yer coat on."

Wife: "Ooooh that's nice, we never go out together anymore!"

Wee Scotsman: "You're not coming and I'm not having the heater on while I'm out. Better get yer coat on."

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21 hours ago, Max Rockatansky said:

and too dumb to know how to spell "raccoon."

Good try Max, but checked and there are two acceptable spellings. So if you want to check dumb, look in the mirror while having a shave.

If you are old enough...

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1 hour ago, Left Shift said:

Is the dumbest thing on that truck the Bronco's helmet?  Or is it something else?

 

Both the Clinton and Baskin comments are even more dumberest!!

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Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”

The angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”

The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said: "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”

Stormy was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?”

"Sorry, Stormy," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are

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3 hours ago, Left Shift said:

Has somebody been spanking the poor thing?

Personally speaking, I would be afraid to spank that thing.

It might explode!

 

 

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3 hours ago, Ed Lada said:
6 hours ago, Left Shift said:

Has somebody been spanking the poor thing?

Personally speaking, I would be afraid to spank that thing.

It might explode!

Yeahe, an I dointe gette the holle deathe stare thinge ethere..........                     :)

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looks like a fully operational Death Star to me.

 

fully equipped ...

 

 

 

 

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5 hours ago, Snaggletooth said:

Yeahe, an I dointe gette the holle deathe stare thinge ethere..........                     :)

"Use the Force, Luke..."  ???

Seems a little like nerd-porn.

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10 hours ago, Happy said:

New ways to survive the current economic crunch: Tell the kids Santa got Covid and died, so no presents.

image.png.e64a0d3624ac6b4cf7a4c52671b59197.png

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An elderly woman went to the doctor’s office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about only 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst  out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
 
An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He then had her sit down and relax in another room.
 
The older doctor marched back to the younger doctor’s office and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 73 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
 
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and asked, "Well, does she still have the hiccups?"
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A German man was driving through France.  In Germany, many parts of the autobahn have no speed limit.  In France, like many other countries in Europe the speed limit on the highways is 130 km/h (~80 mph).  The German man was doing well over the limit out of habit and was pulled over by the French police for speeding.  

The French policeman was perusing the driver's documents, asking routine questions.  He asked the driver "Occupation?"  The German replied, "No, just passing through."

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

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8 hours ago, Ed Lada said:

A German man was driving through France.  In Germany, many parts of the autobahn have no speed limit.  In France, like many other countries in Europe the speed limit on the highways is 130 km/h (~80 mph).  The German man was doing well over the limit out of habit and was pulled over by the French police for speeding.  

The French policeman was perusing the driver's documents, asking routine questions.  He asked the driver "Occupation?"  The German replied, "No, just passing through."

:lol: Oh, that'll work.

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8 hours ago, Tax Man said:

Same idea at this one

 

Hell, Berlin to Warsaw is only 355 miles (570 km).  And they would nearly pass my house on the way.   

I could go about 400 miles on a fill up in my old AMC Pacer.

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