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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for th

One sunny day in late January 2021, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,

"Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that,"

Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.

"I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

"Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job,"

Says the duck.

"Where is it?"

"At the circus,"

Says the barman.

"The circus?"

Repeats the duck.

"That's right,"

Replies the barman.

"The circus?"

The duck asks again.

“With the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ...... 

"What the fuck would they want with a plasterer??!"

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Old joke, but I'd forgotten it...

A man is working at a sex toy store, when a brunette walks in. She asks him how much for the black sex toy? He replies $50 for the black one, $50 for the white one. She leaves without purchasing anything. A red head walks in and asks him how much for the white sex toy? He replies $50 for the white one, $50 for the black one. she doesn’t buy anything. A blonde enters the store and asks him how much for a sex toy? He answers $50 for a black one, $50 for a white one. She asks how much for the plaid one on the shelf behind him? He says oh thats a very special one, thats $250. She buys it. At closing, the manager walk in and asks the man how much he sold. The man said no dildos  but i sold your thermos for $250. 

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2 hours ago, On The Hard said:

Old joke, but I'd forgotten it...

A man is working at a sex toy store, when a brunette walks in. She asks him how much for the black sex toy? He replies $50 for the black one, $50 for the white one. She leaves without purchasing anything. A red head walks in and asks him how much for the white sex toy? He replies $50 for the white one, $50 for the black one. she doesn’t buy anything. A blonde enters the store and asks him how much for a sex toy? He answers $50 for a black one, $50 for a white one. She asks how much for the plaid one on the shelf behind him? He says oh thats a very special one, thats $250. She buys it. At closing, the manager walk in and asks the man how much he sold. The man said no dildos  but i sold your thermos for $250. 

 

Oldie, but goody! After the first 5 years I thought of that, but couldn't remember exactly how goes, thanks!

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Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.
The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
You're going to love this ...
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
"Defrost the chicken."
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Guy walks into a bar on a quiet afternoon.  The bartender is washing glasses at the end of the bar.  The guy asks the bartender for a pint, which he gets and then starts to drink. The bartender goes back to washing glasses.

After a little while, the guy waves the bartender down.  “How big is a penguin?” he asks.  “I don’t know,”  says the bartender “couple feet high, maybe?”  “Huh,” says the guy, and goes back to drinking his pint.  The bartender goes back to wiping glasses.

After a little more time, the guy waves the bartender down again.  “What’s the biggest penguin you’ve ever seen?” he asks.  “Can’t day I’ve seen any” says the bartender.  “Huh,” says the guy, and goes back to drinking his pint.  The bartender wanders off again.

Near the end of his pint, the guy waves the bartender back down again.  “What’s the biggest penguin in the world?” he asks.  “I don’t know!” says the bartender.  “But here, I’ve got an encyclopedia in the back... let’s see... right!  Biggest penguin in the world is the emperor penguin at 3 feet tall.”  “Huh,”’ says the guy....

 

“I guess I just ran over a nun.”

 

 

 

 

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The Seven Dwarfs go on a tour to the Vatican, and are granted an audience with the Pope.

They are too shy to say anything at first, but after a bit of whispering and shuffling one Dwarf asks: "Your Holiness, are there any dwarf nuns in the Vatican?"  "No my son, there are no dwarf nuns in the Vatican."

"Your Holiness, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"  "No my son, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

"Your Holiness, would there be any dwarf nuns in all of Italy?" "No my son, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Italy."

There's a  bit of whispering and sniggering and then the dwarfs start softly chanting: "Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin......."

 

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On July 1, 2020 at 8:18 AM, On The Hard said:

Old joke, but I'd forgotten it...

A man is working at a sex toy store, when a brunette walks in. She asks him how much for the black sex toy? He replies $50 for the black one, $50 for the white one. She leaves without purchasing anything. A red head walks in and asks him how much for the white sex toy? He replies $50 for the white one, $50 for the black one. she doesn’t buy anything. A blonde enters the store and asks him how much for a sex toy? He answers $50 for a black one, $50 for a white one. She asks how much for the plaid one on the shelf behind him? He says oh thats a very special one, thats $250. She buys it. At closing, the manager walk in and asks the man how much he sold. The man said no dildos  but i sold your thermos for $250. 

Ddthats my joke! Go back a zillion pages

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On 7/7/2020 at 6:25 AM, mikewof said:

d6ca3b4773fb6b5ebf17d44b077812d2.jpg

Can someone tell me the point of a lifted truck?  It can't tow, you can't use the bed anymore as it is to high to use.  Off road use is useful, except 95% of lifted trucks never go off road but are used for daily drivers.

 

It reminds me of the grand tour episode where Hammond needs a ladder to get into and out of his vehicle.  

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12 minutes ago, peragrin said:

Can someone tell me the point of a lifted truck?  It can't tow, you can't use the bed anymore as it is to high to use.  Off road use is useful, except 95% of lifted trucks never go off road but are used for daily drivers.

 

It reminds me of the grand tour episode where Hammond needs a ladder to get into and out of his vehicle.  

 

The point is "my dick is bigger than yours!".   Nothing more, nor less.....

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4 hours ago, Fat Point Jack said:

My dick is shorter than yours, but this truck makes up for it.

the president at my last job, had a ford superduty, full cab, with 8 foot bed,  he was maybe 5'6" 240lbs and an asshole...  he used it to commute to work  he probably came up to lower end of the mirror

USC70FOT13HA01311.jpg

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3 hours ago, Fat Point Jack said:

It takes you further before you get stuck.

Many years ago an old farmer told me this when i mentioned I needed 4wd for work:

You drive in 2wd, when you start to get stuck, stop. put it in 4wd and backup. Over the years I have always found that to be true.

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56 minutes ago, d'ranger said:

Many years ago an old farmer told me this when i mentioned I needed 4wd for work:

You drive in 2wd, when you start to get stuck, stop. put it in 4wd and backup. Over the years I have always found that to be true.

i laugh at all the people who buy 4wd in texas... what's the point, everything is pretty flat..    it's fun to see them in the winter thinking their wide ass tires in 4wd makes them invincible in the ice and snow..   it's fun to see them bounce off of shit..

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3 hours ago, peragrin said:

Can someone tell me the point of a lifted truck?  It can't tow, you can't use the bed anymore as it is to high to use.  Off road use is useful, except 95% of lifted trucks never go off road but are used for daily drivers.

 

It reminds me of the grand tour episode where Hammond needs a ladder to get into and out of his vehicle.  

Macho excess. If some's good, more's better and too much is just right.

My contractor just bought one that is so high it literally came with a stepladder to get in it.

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17 minutes ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

i laugh at all the people who buy 4wd in texas... what's the point, everything is pretty flat..    it's fun to see them in the winter thinking their wide ass tires in 4wd makes them invincible in the ice and snow..   it's fun to see them bounce off of shit..

We get that here too.

They don't seem to realize that all vehicles have 4 wheel brakes.

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59 minutes ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

i laugh at all the people who buy 4wd in texas... what's the point, everything is pretty flat..    it's fun to see them in the winter thinking their wide ass tires in 4wd makes them invincible in the ice and snow..   it's fun to see them bounce off of shit..

I told my kids four wheel drive doesn't mean four wheel stop

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2 hours ago, SloopJonB said:

Macho excess. If some's good, more's better and too much is just right.

My contractor just bought one that is so high it literally came with a stepladder to get in it.

See now how does the contractor load wood into the bed?  Or tools?  The bed is now useless as it is too high.

1 hour ago, burndoc said:

I told my kids four wheel drive doesn't mean four wheel stop

I use the same.  Four wheel drive helps you accelerate, it doesn't help you decelerate.  I live in new England 4 wheel drive helps. But knowing how to drive in winter is smarter.  And that means not driving faster than your ability to stop.

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20 minutes ago, peragrin said:

... Four wheel drive helps you accelerate, it doesn't help you decelerate.

4WD is required for safely getting my thoroughly Piece-of-Shit Ford truck down my driveway. Not really needed for up. Steerage and stopping not being among the design priorities at Ford...unlike chrome and drink holders. 

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6 hours ago, peragrin said:

Can someone tell me the point of a lifted truck?  It can't tow, you can't use the bed anymore as it is to high to use.  Off road use is useful, except 95% of lifted trucks never go off road but are used for daily drivers.

 

It reminds me of the grand tour episode where Hammond needs a ladder to get into and out of his vehicle.  

It's silly. The lift is ostensibly to get clearance while off-roading, but those big trucks are close to useless on genuinely difficult trails, because even with the clearance, their wheelbase is way, way too long. The main reason a Suzuki Samurai or a Jeep or a Polaris can manage very difficult off-road conditions is because of that short wheelbase.

I have an old manual 4WD Isuzu, the wheelbase is short, and it's good off-road. Eventually I want to lift it a few inches, which was designed into that suspension in the GM factory. But no more than the lift that the vehicle was designed.

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3 hours ago, d'ranger said:

Many years ago an old farmer told me this when i mentioned I needed 4wd for work:

You drive in 2wd, when you start to get stuck, stop. put it in 4wd and backup. Over the years I have always found that to be true.

The idea behind that is the same reason that you avoid use of the electric start on a dirt bike that also has a kick start. When you get yourself into the real backwoods, and then end up breaking your kick start, you'll have the electric start as a backup.

RWD is for driving, 4WD is for making sure that you can get back home. Given that, I've had to drive through some Colorado and Wyoming storms where even with good tires, the RWD was essentially useless.

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17 hours ago, P_Wop said:

No Tesla Cybertruck for you, then...

The secret 'designer' behind the Tesla Cybertruck

That looks like something fell out of a Tron's ass.

I'll bet that most of those "trucks" will rarely carry anything more in the bed than a few mountain bikes, or maybe some home supplies. It's an electric Ridgeline.

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On 7/6/2020 at 11:50 PM, Chris in Santa Cruz, CA said:

Ddthats my joke! Go back a zillion pages

So THAT'S where I heard it!

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4 hours ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

i laugh at all the people who buy 4wd in texas... what's the point, everything is pretty flat..    it's fun to see them in the winter thinking their wide ass tires in 4wd makes them invincible in the ice and snow..   it's fun to see them bounce off of shit..

I remember a huge ice storm in Dallas in 85/86 winter. I was crawling, along with all the other sane folks, down your loop 635 when some guy in one of THOSE trucks goes flying by me, about two overpasses later I see  him pointing the wrong way against the median with no doubt a shit ton of body damage on the passenger side. In his own way, he was "on the hard" too! :lol:

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17 hours ago, P_Wop said:

No Tesla Cybertruck for you, then...

The secret 'designer' behind the Tesla Cybertruck

When your dick is even shorter than the guy in the lifted F250!

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18 hours ago, On The Hard said:

I remember a huge ice storm in Dallas in 85/86 winter. I was crawling, along with all the other sane folks, down your loop 635 when some guy in one of THOSE trucks goes flying by me, about two overpasses later I see  him pointing the wrong way against the median with no doubt a shit ton of body damage on the passenger side. In his own way, he was "on the hard" too! :lol:

Yeah - the truck may have 2x more drive wheels than a normal car, but it has the same number of brake disks.

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But the chrome expensive bits really show I'm an off-roader with some serious skills.  Right?  

Uh oh...  the drivers front tire seems to be going flat again.   (airing down)

 

maxresdefault.jpg

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4 minutes ago, Happy said:

I love that stage of the evening when a woman says something that lets you know you're going to be having sex with her later.

"This drink tastes funny....."

Some things are not funny, ever.

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YCMTSU...

Was talking to my older partner, classic real life stuff.

 He was home on a hot summer day recently.

  looking all around the house he couldn't find his wife,  then he looks out on their patio and there she was.

  he went out and asked "honey what are you doing out here? it's very hot out today"

  to which she replied, "yes dear, i know,  it's just too cold inside."  

  

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1 hour ago, Raked Aft\\ said:

...classic real life stuff.

Working at a jobsite early one gloriously sunny morning, a delivery truck pulled up and asked us "which way is East?".

YCMTSU

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3 hours ago, Jules said:

walmartgreeter.jpg.320f14be1a8af02ca392c8e55214fce2.jpg

 

Thanks Jules!!  Old joke but well worth repeating!!  I have a Section 8 tenant that I wonder the same thing about!!  One would have to be on drugs, or blind and desperate, to go there!

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43 minutes ago, billy backstay said:

 

Thanks Jules!!  Old joke but well worth repeating!!  I have a Section 8 tenant that I wonder the same thing about!!  One would have to be on drugs, or blind and desperate, to go there!

How many of her kids are yours?

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3 hours ago, billy backstay said:

  I have a Section 8 tenant that I wonder the same thing about!!  One would have to be on drugs, or blind and desperate, to go there!

Is that the military Section 8?

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Image may contain: text that says 'Graling LOVE. MEAT A Having satisfied their curiosity, the three friends went their separate ways, and never discussed "making a turducken" again.'

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37 minutes ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

the big mask debate

 

Until I played it I was wondering what was remotely "Joke" about this. Then I listened......hehehehe

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Image may contain: one or more people, text, outdoor and water

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Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.

I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me."

I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes."

I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too!

"Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."

I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over

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A young couple were renting a nice little suburban flat, but they longed for a place in the country but could not afford a mortgage.
One day the husband came home very excited and called to his wife, "Great news, great news, we’ve won  the lotto, we can afford to buy a house in the country”.
After weeks of searching they found what they were looking for: A lovely stone 19th century worker’s cottage, on one hectare, within easy reach of city by rail or road. So they arranged to inspect the property. The cottage was beautiful, with stone walls and a newly painted tin roof. A crazy-paving path led across an immaculate lawn to the front verandah. An elderly man opened the door and invited them in. The hallway contained an impressive mahogany hall stand and was hung with beautiful Victorian era prints. Each room was freshly painted and tastefully furnished.
"I really must compliment you on the condition of the property said the young man to the owner but, even as he spoke, his wife tugged his sleeve and reached up to whisper in his ear. "My wife," he said to the owner, "observes that there appear to be no toilet facilities." "That’s right," said the owner, "we haven"t got the mains and the dirt’s no good for septic. We’ve got a dunny down the back. Come and see."
He led them into the back garden, past herbs in pots and neat rows of vegetables, down a brick path at the end of which stood the dunny, resplendent in a new coat of white paint and red roof, flanked by frangipanis in full bloom. The dunny was superbly made of cedar chamfer-board. Its receptacle gleamed inside and out and the seat was more cedar, smoothed and polished through years of use. "Again," said the young man, "I must compliment you on the condition of this, er, facility."
Again his wife tugged his sleeve and whispered. "What’s the matter this time?" asked the owner. "My wife observes that there is no lock on the door," the young man replied diffidently. The owner considered this question carefully; the demonstrable lack of security appeared to imply considerations that had never previously exercised his mind. "She’s right, you know, there is no lock on the door. But I'll tell you both something, I don't know what people are like where you come from, but I’ve lived my entire life of eighty five years right here, and I’ve never had a bucket of sh*t stolen yet

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Sat down at a restaurant the other night and said to the waitress "Can i see the menu please?"

She slapped me in the face and replied "Its NONE of your business which men I please!!"
 
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man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
 
Did I post this already.
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Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, “It could have been worse.” To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said, “Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!”

“That's awful,” said Frank, “But it could have been worse.”

“How in the hell,” asked his bewildered friend, “Could it have been worse?”

“Well,” replied Frank, “If it happened the night before, I'd be dead right now!”

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Little Johnny has been a bit foul-mouthed lately and his mother is sick of it. So she decides the next time he swears she'll teach him a lesson. So, at breakfast she asks him: "what would you like today?"
He replies: "I think I'll have some bloody corn flakes."
Well, that did it. Mum started slapping him around the kitchen for a full minute. She then said: "I'll ask you again, what would you like today?"
His response: "Well, I don't want f--king corn flakes, that's for sure

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A San Francisco friend got married recently.  After a strenuous first night of the honeymoon, his wife spent half an hour gently cuddling and stroking his balls.

"You like that, don't you?" he asked.

"Yes," she replied, "I really miss mine."

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