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A man is sitting alone at home when there's a knock on the front door. He opens it to find two policemen there. He asks if there is a problem. One of the policemen asks if he is married. The man replies, “Yes, I am.” The policeman then asks if he could see a picture of the man’s wife. The guy says, “Sure…” and gets a photo to show them. The policeman says, “I’m sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife’s been hit by a truck.” The guy replies, “I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook.

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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for th

One sunny day in late January 2021, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,

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2 hours ago, DRIFTW00D said:

Doug said once they are all still here just the the names have changed to protect the innocent...

Oooo...   Do tell.

Conspiracy theories are great to perk up a Tuesday.

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6 minutes ago, Windward said:

I tried being @Snaggletooth once a few years ago in a thread where everyone hda too speek in snagglese.

Hurt my brain to compose anything of length.

Same as reading anything of length composed in Snagglese. ;)

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A suicide bomber died and went to heaven, as foretold. When he arrived there, he met Allah and Mohammed, and he said to Allah that he was ready to claim his virgins, as promised. Out of curiosity he asked Allah why there were so many virgins in heaven.

Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because arseholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty. And I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail!"

The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"
And Allah replied, "Who said they were women?

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1 hour ago, warbird said:

How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"
 

Good luck with that.

 

Beyond the boudoir lies the trap.

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Great material Dreade!  I'm emailing all of my friends who are going to be amazed how clever I am! :P

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Three nuns are riding bicycles down an old street. One says 'I've never come this way before.' To which the youngest nun says, 'I know, I think it's the cobblestones.'
 
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7 hours ago, Ed Lada said:
Three nuns are riding bicycles down an old street. One says 'I've never come this way before.' To which the youngest nun says, 'I know, I think it's the cobblestones.'
 

A nun enters the bathroom and sees another nun in the bathtub and says wheres the soap. Bathing nun says yes it does.

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11 hours ago, warbird said:

A nun enters the bathroom and sees another nun in the bathtub and says wheres the soap. Bathing nun says yes it does.

I'm clearly having a slow day...I don't get it.

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so here we are on page 69

Anyway, I started thinking about all of the really good shit that's been posted in this thread over the years. I dropped back to page 9 and came up with this classic from Derek Grebe

 

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was

taken by a well dressed,middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat ?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down ? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour ! Put this American in his place !"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have

thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

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Fred and John are baggage handlers at LAX.

With the pandemic in full swing, shifts have been a little light and no overtime so cash is a little tight at the end of the week when they want to tie one one.  A beer binge is just not in the cards this time.

Struck with inspiration, John suggests they try drinking jet fuel.  A few sips, and there are no obvious ill effects and a bit of a buzz so they settle down behind one of the carts and steadily get loaded.  Eventually they crawl into cabs and head home.

Saturday morning Fred wakes up to the sound of his phone ringing, and it's John on the other end.

Fred              well that worked out not bad.  We had a good night, we are still alive, and I don't even have a hangover

John             did you fart yet

Fred             no, why are you asking

John           because I did, and I'm in Phoenix

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1 hour ago, Cruisin Loser said:

There was a disgusting pervert on the plane, watching pornography over my shoulder. 

    I took a flight on a short haul 2x2 commuter jet in the last row in the back and was shocked when a beautiful blond gal sat down in the aisle seat right next to me. Just enough younger than I that I could hit on her mildly without too much risk. She was quite friendly and we chatted about our trips and jobs and the usual. I think I asked her if I could take a selfie of us all cozy in the tight seating so I could show my SA readers, you know, the 'photos or it didn't happen' thing. She was curious about that and I filled her in on this site and the dirty old men that start topics about such encounters as our meeting and sitting together. She got a chuckle out of that and obliged with the selfies. 

    About 45 minutes into the flight we returned to our respective 'personal space' bubbles and I was browsing the inflight mag when I noticed her take out a book and start reading intently. She was totally engrossed in whatever it was she was reading and I couldn't help peek over and see that it was "50 Shades of Grey"! That was more than I really needed to know and it made me a bit uncomfortable that I had even looked or cared. It wasn't long before she kicked off her shoes and tucked her stockinged feet up on the seat sort of curled under her skirt and then sort of settled down into her reading. It must have been a particularly inspiring chapter or something because she started squirming around in her seat and I am sure she found a posture in which she was sitting directly on one of her heels or something with the benefits that implies! I just had to see what she was reading to get all hot and bothered and my oogling didn't reveal much literary craft, erotic or not. 

    She finally achieved whatever it was she needed or wanted and happened to glance up to catch me reading her book and gave me a chastising sly smile that made it ever worse for me. I was totally taken aback and don't know how in the world I came up with my next comment to her as I am not usually very comfortable in the presence of such stunning women. 

    I said with a straight face, "It was really nice of the publishers of that book to do a large print version for perverts like me..." 

   She cracked up at that and we had a great time the rest of the trip. She even made me take selfies of her holding up the title page of the book. The cute flight attendant (in the jump seat just behind us) had seen what was going on with the situation from the moment the soft porn book came out and she started bringing us doubles and even taking the photos for us.  

    I know, "photos or it didn't happen!!!"

 

    I even told her I would love to take her up in my sailplane as in the chapter in the book...

 

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1) Leaving the dock is optional. Every return is mandatory.

2) If you turn the wheel towards shore, the houses get bigger,if you turn the wheel away from shore,they get smaller.

3) Boating isn't dangerous. Sinking is what's dangerous.

4) It's ALWAYS better to be on shore wishing you were out there than being out there and wishing you were on shore.

5) The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when the boat is on fire.

6) When in doubt, stay out to sea. No one has ever run aground on a wave.

7) A good return to the slipway is one you can walk away from. A great return is one after which you can use the boat again.

8) A Boat is a hole in the water, surrounded by fibreglass, into which you throw money.

9) MY BIGGEST WORRY IS THAT MY WIFE,WHEN I"M DEAD,WILL SELL MY TOY'S FOR WHAT I SAID I PAID FOR THEM...

10) Learn from the mistakes of others.You won't live long enough to make them all yourself.

11) Sometimes my mind not only wanders ... it leaves completely.

12)  The more you spend, the less she can take!

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3 nuns are talking and the first nun says, “you would never believe what i discovered.”

Iintrigued, the others to signal her to continue.

" i found a phone in the priests room." said the first nun.

“oh thats nothing  i found condoms in one of his drawers.” said the second one.

" what did u do with them." said the first nun.

pridefully the second nun responds with," i poked holes in all of them."

The third nun says, “oh shit…”

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A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.

“Well,” says the bus driver, “every night at 8 o’clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I’m sure you could convince her to have sex with you.”

The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.

“Oh, God!” she exclaims. “Take me with you!” The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they’re getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it’s over, the man pulls off his God disguise.

“Ha, ha! I’m the man from the bus!”

“Ha, ha!” says the nun, removing her costume. “I’m the bus driver!”

 

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What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer? A bad lawyer might let a case drag on for several years. A good lawyer knows how to make it last even longer.

 

 

As a lawyer woke up in the hospital after surgery he asked, “Why are all the blinds drawn in here?” The nurse answered, “There’s a fire across the street and we didn’t want you to think the operation had been a failure.”

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An attorney was working late one night in his office when, suddenly, Satan appeared before him. The Devil made him an offer. “I will make it so you win every case that you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will worship you, your colleagues will be in awe, and you will make enormous amounts of money. But, in return, you must give me your soul, your wife’s soul, the souls of your children, your parents, grandparents, and those of all the your friends.” The lawyer thought about it for a moment, then asked, “But what’s the catch?”

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A young lawyer, defending a businessman in a lawsuit, feared he was losing the case and asked his senior partner if he should send a box of cigars to the judge to curry favor. The senior partner was horrified. “The judge is an honorable man,” he said, “If you do that, I guarantee you’ll lose the case!” Eventually, the judge ruled in the young lawyers favor. “Aren’t you glad you didn’t send those cigars?” the senior partner asked. “Oh, I did send them,” the younger lawyer replied. “I just enclosed my opponents business card with them.”

 

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How many lawyer jokes are there, anyway? Only three. The rest are true stories.

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When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex:
"Tarzan not know sex!" He replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said. "Oh for that, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree!"
Horrified, she said. "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly!"
She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here!"  Pointing to the Holiest of Holies she said. "You must put it in here!"
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his rampant erection, and then gave her a massive kick, right between her legs.
Jane rolled around in agony, but managed to gasp for air and screamed. "What on earth did you do that for?"
"Tarzan check for bees!"
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2 hours ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

aR7Md2Q_460swp.webp

I'm going straight to hell for laughing at this

 

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On 8/24/2020 at 12:00 PM, Ed Lada said:

Image may contain: 1 person, text that says 'Guy walks into a bar in New Orleans and asks for 2 hurricanes and a corona. Bartender says that'll be $20.20'

too late

 

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Depending on who is really in charge up there, I may be going to Hell for this one!

image.png.b31455f218ce530093cdeec50b87aa4e.png

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15 minutes ago, On The Hard said:

Depending on who is really in charge up there, I may be going to Hell for this one!

image.png.b31455f218ce530093cdeec50b87aa4e.png

If you ever start to doubt God has a sense of humour, just look at the platypus and your faith will be restored.

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