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3 minutes ago, billy backstay said:

 

Q:  What's the difference between Rush Limbaugh and the Hindenburg?

A: One's a flaming Nazi Gasbag, and the other is just a Dirigible....

 

I know, take it to PA !! LOL

Yep! Take it to PA. Funny though...

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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for th

One sunny day in late January 2021, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,

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On 8/31/2020 at 11:42 PM, P_Wop said:

impossible dogs.jpg

I see Escher's dog turned up at the pound again ...

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15 hours ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

aO79BpD_460swp.webp

 

She told the giant Superstore, that she couldn't find her husband, so the PS sytem began "Paging Mike Hunt, Mike Hunt please come to customer service desk".

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4 hours ago, billy backstay said:

 

She told the giant Superstore, that she couldn't find her husband, so the PS sytem began "Paging Mike Hunt, Mike Hunt please come to customer service desk".

Sadly, but humorously, our receptionist - back when receptionists existed - took a call and said "Peter Hunt?"  Then asked those around her whether a Peter Hunt worked there.  Thinking she knew the joke, I said sarcastically, "I don't know a Peter, but I think there's a Mike on floor 12".  Apparently, she didn't know the joke and started asking loudly for a Mike Hunt.  The whole floor laughing for a good 30 minutes and my chances of scoring with her went from 998,000:1 to 999,999,999,999,999:1

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14 hours ago, PurpleOnion said:

Sadly, but humorously, our receptionist - back when receptionists existed - took a call and said "Peter Hunt?"  Then asked those around her whether a Peter Hunt worked there.  Thinking she knew the joke, I said sarcastically, "I don't know a Peter, but I think there's a Mike on floor 12".  Apparently, she didn't know the joke and started asking loudly for a Mike Hunt.  The whole floor laughing for a good 30 minutes and my chances of scoring with her went from 998,000:1 to 999,999,999,999,999:1

However, you kept trying right?

There was still a chance.  
 

She probably hates you to this day.   

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Four guys are driving across country together: one from Idaho, one from Nebraska, one from Florida, and one from New York.
 
A short way down the road, the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window.
 
The man from Nebraska turns to him and asks, “What the heck are you doing?”
 
The man from Idaho says, “We have so many of these things in Idaho they’re lying around on the ground. I’m sick of looking at them!”
 
A few miles down the road, the man from Nebraska begins pulling ears of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window.
 
The man from Florida asks, “What are you doing that for?”
 
The Nebraskan replies, “We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I’m sick of looking at them!”
 
Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out.
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On 9/4/2020 at 3:29 PM, P_Wop said:

When you need to know you'll be serving the freshest ribs in town. 

IMG_2347.jpg

This photo, while funny on one level makes me a bit sad.

Not as sad as the horse mutilation in France (not clicking that article)

Everyone treats animals and humans differently.  I will pick my battles on where outrage occurs.  This isn't it.

 

Just sad.

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6 minutes ago, Windward said:

This photo, while funny on one level makes me a bit sad.

Not as sad as the horse mutilation in France (not clicking that article)

Everyone treats animals and humans differently.  I will pick my battles on where outrage occurs.  This isn't it.

 

First I heard of that in France, so had to google.  There are some very sick people in this world!!!  

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42 minutes ago, Windward said:
On 9/4/2020 at 3:29 PM, P_Wop said:

When you need to know you'll be serving the freshest ribs in town. 

IMG_2347.jpg

This photo, while funny on one level makes me a bit sad.

Not as sad as the horse mutilation in France (not clicking that article)

Everyone treats animals and humans differently.  I will pick my battles on where outrage occurs.  This isn't it.

I'm not exactly a prime candidate for a PETA membership but I draw the line at meeting my meal beforehand.

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1 hour ago, SloopJonB said:

I'm not exactly a prime candidate for a PETA membership but I draw the line at meeting my meal beforehand.

When I was a kid, Dad kept half a dozen sheep to keep the pasture down.  Every year they would lamb, generally twins, and occasionally a ewe wouldn't make it, so my little sister would adopt and raise the newborn.  One pair of twins (male and female) we used to take for walks in the village.  Hers was called Long Legs, and I named mine Mint Sauce.  Sister didn't like that. 

Anyway, hers went back into the flock and mine went off to the butcher.  A month or so later we were having a roast lamb leg for dinner.  "What are having, Mummy?" she asked.  "Mint Sauce," I said. It took a while for her to twig, then she ran off in tears.

Hey, ho, I was a difficult child.  Not much has changed.

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Two farmers decide to go together to Paris, for the national yearly agriculture fair, the "salon de l'agriculture".

There, they see beautiful livestock, incredible machinery. After the show, they decide to have some good time and go to the hot places of town, each of them find themselves a "lady of the night" and have some fun.

THREE MONTHS later, back in their countryside, they meet again.

 - that fair in Paris was incredible, wasn't it?

 - Oh yes for sure, and I don't know about you, but that lady on the first night was incredible too!

 - mine too, mine too.... but she asked me to wear that rubber thingy on my willie; what's called again?

 - a condom; yes, mine asked the same thing, it is to avoid to catch diseases...

 - yeah, that's right... so... did you catch any disease?

 - nope.

 - me neither... so... do you think I can take it off, now?

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On 9/6/2020 at 11:09 AM, SloopJonB said:

I'm not exactly a prime candidate for a PETA membership but I draw the line at meeting my meal beforehand.

Never picked a lobster out of a tank? 

I get what you are saying, but at the same time, I think it's useful for people to know that meat doesn't grow in Styrofoam trays covered with plastic wrap.

Once a year or so, I harvest (shoot) a doe at a friend's ranch as part of his wildlife management program. I've been hunting for over 50 years and no matter how clean the kill, watching it die and field dressing it gives you a renewed respect for the meat we consume. It still makes me a little sad every time I do it. About as real as it gets.

 

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No, I never have picked out a lobster in a tank.

I'm quite content with the self deception that meat comes from the store or the restaurant kitchen.

I don't need to spend time at a sewage treatment plant to renew my respect for a satisfying morning dump either.

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30 minutes ago, SloopJonB said:

No, I never have picked out a lobster in a tank.

I'm quite content with the self deception that meat comes from the store or the restaurant kitchen.

I don't need to spend time at a sewage treatment plant to renew my respect for a satisfying morning dump either.

So you missed out on one of the great gastronomic experiences of a sailor's lifetime. 

Catching a yellowfin tuna on the line while on a delivery, hauling it in, cleaning, filleting and then serving sashimi, while it's still slightly warm.  Amazing!

It once reduced a Japanese crewmember to tears (of joy), and I expect he's been dining out on the story ever since.

The rest of the fish goes in the freezer and serves the crew for days.  "Oh hell, not tuna again!" they cry at dinnertime.  Spoiled bastards.

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6 hours ago, SloopJonB said:

No, I never have picked out a lobster in a tank.

I'm quite content with the self deception that meat comes from the store or the restaurant kitchen.

I don't need to spend time at a sewage treatment plant to renew my respect for a satisfying morning dump either.

My personal favorite was camping at 10pm.  We were night fishing for bullhead. We wou let catch 10-20 of the things for the next night's dinner. We were getting hungry so we went up got foil, seasoning, etc.  Caught a couple cleaned them seasoned and tossed on the camp fire coals. As we fished catching the rest.

Nothing tastes quite so fresh as fish caught and cooked in minutes

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My favorite "trout on a rock" method.

  • Find a big flat rock near your campsite.
  • Clear out any surrounding inflammable bush.
  • Build your fire at one end of the rock.
  • Catch and clean half a dozen trout.
  • Push the fire (with branches) to the other end of the rock.
  • Clean the very hot rock with grass or whatever.
  • Butterfly the fish, and put them skin side down on the hot rock.
  • Put some sticks across, with small rocks on the ends to stop curl.
  • Sprinkle salt and pepper, cook as long as you like.
  • Eat the fish right off the rock.
  • Push the fire back over the top to burn away skins and residue.

Completely clean, and no pans or utensils needed.

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7 hours ago, On The Hard said:

Once a year or so, I harvest (shoot) a doe at a friend's ranch as part of his wildlife management program. I've been hunting for over 50 years

I just realized that you just confessed to shooting Bambi's mother.

Bastard.

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22 minutes ago, peragrin said:

Nothing tastes quite so fresh as fish caught and cooked in minutes

We woke earley because the racoones werre mackeng a fusse in the creeke nexte to the house.  We mooved indoores and started playeng poolle downstaires, my uncle heared us and thouht "Ist 5:30 AM ande the kiddes neede somthinge to do".  By 6:00AM we werre pacte in hisse truck and headeng foire grocerey store.  Uncle Fred tolde us "go on, picke oute a packiage"  pointed to the chicken partes, jibblets and such.  The cashiere asksed us "going crabbing?", yuppes alle aronde.  Aftere breif training on 'howe to' we spente the day crabbing, tryeng to finde the beste, moeste efficiente waye to bringe them up.  Aunt Ellinore and my mom tride to coaxe us in foire llunche and refreshment, butte we woude haive none of it.  We gathered alle daye , and placed them in garbage paille tied to docke  and vented to allowe the Savannah Rivere to flowe true and keepe everey oune alive.  When my uncle came home frome worke and sawe the haulle, he caulde the neihbores to come joinin.  He broke oppen researved cassis of wine.  We alle feasted in an impromptoo and crazey cellebratione of crab.  As the frenzey dide dowen, a loane crab swam throuhe the spotlitte that allwayes showen downe on the watere neare end of the docke.  My fathere scooped hime up withe a nette, and crabbey wase stille swimmeng when putte into the boilling ten gallon potte.   I ate thet crab, and adgree withe peragrin.                                 :)   

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18 minutes ago, Snaggletooth said:

We woke earley because the racoones werre mackeng a fusse in the creeke nexte to the house.  We mooved indoores and started playeng poolle downstaires, my uncle heared us and thouht "Ist 5:30 AM ande the kiddes neede somthinge to do".  By 6:00AM we werre pacte in hisse truck and headeng foire grocerey store.  Uncle Fred tolde us "go on, picke oute a packiage"  pointed to the chicken partes, jibblets and such.  The cashiere asksed us "going crabbing?", yuppes alle aronde.  Aftere breif training on 'howe to' we spente the day crabbing, tryeng to finde the beste, moeste efficiente waye to bringe them up.  Aunt Ellinore and my mom tride to coaxe us in foire llunche and refreshment, butte we woude haive none of it.  We gathered alle daye , and placed them in garbage paille tied to docke  and vented to allowe the Savannah Rivere to flowe true and keepe everey oune alive.  When my uncle came home frome worke and sawe the haulle, he caulde the neihbores to come joinin.  He broke oppen researved cassis of wine.  We alle feasted in an impromptoo and crazey cellebratione of crab.  As the frenzey dide dowen, a loane crab swam throuhe the spotlitte that allwayes showen downe on the watere neare end of the docke.  My fathere scooped hime up withe a nette, and crabbey wase stille swimmeng when putte into the boilling ten gallon potte.   I ate thet crab, and adgree withe peragrin.                                 :)   

That reads like something from a day in the life of Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn.

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1 hour ago, MR.CLEAN said:

I took the three kids to the little pond here a couple hours ago and came home with four nice rainbows stocked by the home association.  Good in the pan, never seen happier kids in my life.

Now have them watch Bambi.

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2 hours ago, MR.CLEAN said:

I took the three kids to the little pond here a couple hours ago and came home with four nice rainbows stocked by the home association.  Good in the pan, never seen happier kids in my life.

My four year old granddaughter regularly catches a daily meal worth of legal size whiting off the Ballina jetty.

But did get upset one day when she thought she'd caught too many and a fish life had been wasted. But we managed to make sure it was eaten too.

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aww cmon y'all this is the joke thread not fucking Field and Stream confessions.

 

 

Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a fish a man, and he'll eat for weeks!

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Yeah, sorry for the hijack. Not sorry for shooting Bambi's mother, or his aunts and grandmothers, great grandmothers, etc....

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33 minutes ago, Bump-n-Grind said:

aww cmon y'all this is the joke thread not fucking Field and Stream confessions.

 

 

Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit around in a boat all day drinking beer.

FTFY

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A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...
- (She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
- "Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me about wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

 

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14 hours ago, Bump-n-Grind said:

aww cmon y'all this is the joke thread not fucking Field and Stream confessions.

 

 

Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a fish a man, and he'll eat for weeks!

Build a man a fire and he is warm for a night

Set a man on fire and he is warm for the rest of his life

 

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A  few seasons ago, the Liverpool manager flies to Kabul to watch a young  Afghani play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for the  player to come over.
Two  weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes  left. The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he  goes.
The  lad is a sensation. He scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game  for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are  delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
‘Hello  mum, guess what?’ he says ‘I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0  down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media,  they all love me.’
‘Wonderful,’ says his mum, ‘Let me tell you about my day …
Your  father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and  assaulted, your brother has joined a gang of looters and all while you  tell me that you were having a great time.’
The young lad is very upset. ‘What can I say mum, but I’m really sorry.’
‘Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!’ says his mum, ‘It’s your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!’

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On 9/10/2020 at 2:53 PM, Wet Spreaders said:

Build a man a fire and he is warm for a night

Set a man on fire and he is warm for the rest of his life

 

Give a man a gun and he'll rob a bank.

Give a man a bank and he'll rob everybody.

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2 hours ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

a8Gwr2V_460swp.webp

I believe their concern was reproduction not "sex".  But I may be wrong. 

Or perhaps the concern was more an environmental quality issue in a zero G environment with horny guys and smuggled magazines..  

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On 9/19/2020 at 11:18 AM, Left Shift said:

I believe their concern was reproduction not "sex".  But I may be wrong. 

Or perhaps the concern was more an environmental quality issue in a zero G environment with horny guys and smuggled magazines..  

Ha !!!! a cabin full of flying fish

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42 minutes ago, P_Wop said:

If someone plays Christmas music in September, are you allowed obliged to kill them and use their corpse as a Halloween decoration?

Asking for a friend.

Yes. And teach your children so the tradition will carry on.

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My best friend isn't talking to me. He caught me sniffing his sister's panties.

I don't whether it was because she was wearing them or because the whole family was there, but it made the rest of her funeral very awkward for me.

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