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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for th

One sunny day in late January 2021, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,

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I was in a German restaurant, and when my order turned up, all the plate had on it was two black dots. I said to the waiter “No! I asked for an omelette.”

 

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7 hours ago, mccroc said:

I was in a German restaurant, and when my order turned up, all the plate had on it was two black dots. I said to the waiter “No! I asked for an omelette.”

 

Golf clap. :D

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Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter for 4 people?! I'm still looking for 2 more people to join us. We leave early Saturday (October 31st) morning from Stapleford Abbots and will fly to Sandbanks where we will have breakfast and then on a yacht for lunch. Then, we’ll do a flight along the coast  and flying home  to Stapleford Abbots in time for dinner.

If interested please pm me..

Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go...

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Yesterday in California was "Indigenous Peoples' Day."  

Thank goodness we've given up on Columbus. Worst entrepreneur ever. 

He left, not knowing where he was going; arrived, not knowing where he was; went back, not knowing where he'd been.  And he did it all with someone else's money.

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35 minutes ago, P_Wop said:

Yesterday in California was "Indigenous Peoples' Day."  

Thank goodness we've given up on Columbus. Worst entrepreneur ever. 

He left, not knowing where he was going; arrived, not knowing where he was; went back, not knowing where he'd been.  And he did it all with someone else's money.

Nowadays that would get you elected to office!

 

WL

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1 hour ago, White Lightning2 said:

Nowadays that would get you elected to office!

 

WL

Certainly was enough to get a holiday named for him...  only to be upstaged by a holiday for the "most recently" ousted people on a chunk of land that you have to rent from the government.

Vikings owe me reparations.

Today is now and for the future to be called Windward Day.

Rejoice o-ye hapless peasants.

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3 hours ago, Windward said:

Certainly was enough to get a holiday named for him...  only to be upstaged by a holiday for the "most recently" ousted people on a chunk of land that you have to rent from the government.

Vikings owe me reparations.

Today is now and for the future to be called Windward Day.

Rejoice o-ye hapless peasants.

13 October...got it, it's in the book!

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10 hours ago, Marcjsmith said:

3A891CE5-79FB-48C9-945B-EBA275AA8256.jpeg

 

LOL!!  Reminds of the left lane hogs going the speed limit.  When I pass them on the right, they speed up to attempt to prevent me merging back left!! :angry:

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Road rage is a very curious human condition.

Triggering some basic feral part of the brain into action without filters.

So much to loose and spectacularly little to gain.  Horrible risk-reward ratio.

Humanity really hasn't moved far from its caveman roots. 

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13 minutes ago, Windward said:

Road rage is a very curious human condition.

Triggering some basic feral part of the brain into action without filters.

So much to loose and spectacularly little to gain.  Horrible risk-reward ratio.

Humanity really hasn't moved far from its caveman roots. 

 

Trump and all his fanboys and girls are proof positive of that!!

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4 hours ago, billy backstay said:

 

LOL!!  Reminds of the left lane hogs going the speed limit.  When I pass them on the right, they speed up to attempt to prevent me merging back left!! :angry:

one thing about texas , that's illegal,     you have to let faster cars pass..      what's worse is Colorado where they drive side by side , oblivious that's what they're doing and that's before the legalized weed.

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8 minutes ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

one thing about texas , that's illegal,     you have to let faster cars pass..      what's worse is Colorado where they drive side by side , oblivious that's what they're doing and that's before the legalized weed.

It's supposedly illegal here, too, but you can't tell by the traffic. Yesterday, on my way to the boat...side by side @ 5 km/h under the limit. The perp was driving a big new black Jaguar, totally clueless.

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55 minutes ago, Ishmael said:

It's supposedly illegal here, too, but you can't tell by the traffic. Yesterday, on my way to the boat...side by side @ 5 km/h under the limit. The perp was driving a big new black Jaguar, totally clueless.

Richard Petty lost out on a political office because he gave a NASCAR Nudge to one of those assholes.

Kind of surprised me for North Carolina - one would think it would guarantee him the office.

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22 hours ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

one thing about texas , that's illegal,     you have to let faster cars pass..      what's worse is Colorado where they drive side by side , oblivious that's what they're doing and that's before the legalized weed.

 

CT highways used to all have signs reading, "Keep Right, Except to Pass", Or "Slower vehicles keep right".  The Statute may still be on the books, but most people are oblivious to it.  I know idiots who proudly keep other drivers to the law, by blocking the passing lane, going 65 MPH.  I know from an Engineer who was involved in the construction of Rte 9, that most highways are designed for 75 MPH, with a margin of error of safety factor well above that....

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An elderly Italian man living alone in New Jersey wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,

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4 hours ago, billy backstay said:

 

CT highways used to all have signs reading, "Keep Right, Except to Pass", Or "Slower vehicles keep right".  The Statute may still be on the books, but most people are oblivious to it.  I know idiots who proudly keep other drivers to the law, by blocking the passing lane, going 65 MPH.  I know from an Engineer who was involved in the construction of Rte 9, that most highways are designed for 75 MPH, with a margin of error of safety factor well above that....

Many highways were designed long ago for cars with drum brakes and bias tires.

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alabama-state-flag.jpg Source: Wikipedia

Alabama

 
 
  • Wearing blue jeans on Noble Street is prohibited by law in Anniston, Alabama.
  • It is unlawful for any woman of ‘uncertain chastity’ to be on the streets later than 9:00pm in Linden, Alabama.
  • Bear wrestling matches are against the law.
  • It is against the law to play domino’s on Sunday.
  • Blindfolded drivers are prohibited from operating motor vehicles. Phew!
  • Maiming oneself to escape duty is prohibited by law.
  • Stabbing oneself to gain sympathy from another individual is prohibited by law.
  • Wearing a fake mustache that causes laughter in church is against the law.
  • Driving the wrong way down a one way street is prohibited by law unless there is a lantern attached to the front of your vehicle.
  • Women’s shoes with a sharp, high heel is against the law.
  • Seducing an innocent woman using temptation, deception, flattery or a false promise of marriage is against the law.
  • A man may not beat a woman with a stick with a diameter greater than his thumb in Jasper, Alabama.
  • Selling peanuts after sundown on Wednesdays is against the law in Lee County, Alabama.
  • Wearing masks in public is prohibited by law.
  • Men are not legally entitled to spit in front of women.
  • Howling at women inside town limits is prohibited in Mobile, Alabama. Outside of town limits? Howl away, I suppose.
  • The opening of an umbrella on the street is prohibited in Montgomery, Alabama. The reasoning? Opening an umbrella may spook horses.
  • Placing salt on a railroad track is not only against the law but this charge is punishable by death.
  • It is against the law to chain your alligator to a fire hydrant. Logical but really? Is this a big enough problem to warrant a law?
  • I don’t get this one at all, but here it is. It is against the law to put an ice cream cone in your back pocket.
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Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'

 

 The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. 

 

 'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry..

 

 The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

 

 Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the  Connor Pass..   

 

 At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place..'

 

 He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. 

 

 Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead..

 

 Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy  shakes his head and says, 'Feck dat. 

Dis budgie jumping is too feck'n dangerous for me!' 

 

 THERE'S MORE. ....

 

 Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. 

 

 He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other..

 

 'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.

 

 He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

 

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

 

 Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

 

 Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

 

 Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'

  

IT IS NOT OVER YET....

  

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

  

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

 

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

 

Once more Paddy shakes his head. 'Feck dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting....

 

And now Sean and his feck'n hengliding!'

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On 10/21/2020 at 1:52 PM, Rasputin22 said:

alabama-state-flag.jpg Source: Wikipedia

Alabama

 
  • Wearing blue jeans on Noble Street is prohibited by law in Anniston, Alabama.
  • It is unlawful for any woman of ‘uncertain chastity’ to be on the streets later than 9:00pm in Linden, Alabama.
  • Bear wrestling matches are against the law.
  • It is against the law to play domino’s on Sunday.
  • Blindfolded drivers are prohibited from operating motor vehicles. Phew!
  • Maiming oneself to escape duty is prohibited by law.
  • Stabbing oneself to gain sympathy from another individual is prohibited by law.
  • Wearing a fake mustache that causes laughter in church is against the law.
  • Driving the wrong way down a one way street is prohibited by law unless there is a lantern attached to the front of your vehicle.
  • Women’s shoes with a sharp, high heel is against the law.
  • Seducing an innocent woman using temptation, deception, flattery or a false promise of marriage is against the law.
  • A man may not beat a woman with a stick with a diameter greater than his thumb in Jasper, Alabama.
  • Selling peanuts after sundown on Wednesdays is against the law in Lee County, Alabama.
  • Wearing masks in public is prohibited by law.
  • Men are not legally entitled to spit in front of women.
  • Howling at women inside town limits is prohibited in Mobile, Alabama. Outside of town limits? Howl away, I suppose.
  • The opening of an umbrella on the street is prohibited in Montgomery, Alabama. The reasoning? Opening an umbrella may spook horses.
  • Placing salt on a railroad track is not only against the law but this charge is punishable by death.
  • It is against the law to chain your alligator to a fire hydrant. Logical but really? Is this a big enough problem to warrant a law?
  • I don’t get this one at all, but here it is. It is against the law to put an ice cream cone in your back pocket.

forgot

ban the sale of draft beer in kegs of five gallons or more to individuals

 

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HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL:

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill inside end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Call fire brigade to retrieve the f------ cat from tree across
the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie the little b**tard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect "mutant cat from hell" and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

1) Wrap it in cheese.

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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.

I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows!

He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him . . . . . . but they kind of taste like peppermint.

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A fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their parents do for a living. All the typical answers came up - mechanic, business, sales, doctor, engineer... and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his parents, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money. It's great!"

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside."Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Republican National Committee and is trying to get Trump re-elected, but it's too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids.”

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2 hours ago, Major Tom said:

A fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their parents do for a living. All the typical answers came up - mechanic, business, sales, doctor, engineer... and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his parents, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money. It's great!"

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside."Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the  DNC and is trying to get Kamala elected, but it's too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids.”

FIFY

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1 minute ago, warbird said:

Your loss.....

You have good jokes, a beautiful basement, two fridges in the garage you once told me but probably put one downstairs, you probably always have cold beer on hand, but the past four years have made me very sensitized to Trump supporters.  I'm divorced and of course on a dating site, the first line of my profile is If you are a Trump supporter, quit reading. 

I don't wish you bad and we'll see how the chips fall.  

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2 hours ago, warbird said:
2 hours ago, Cal20sailor said:

Thank God for small miracles.  No matter what happens, we couldn't be friends.  

Your loss.....

A semi-literate Trump fanatic who gets viciously nasty when he has a few?

I don't think so.

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17 minutes ago, d'ranger said:

Warbirds "jokes" are always at the expense of others. It's funny to those who hate women and minorities, you know, Republicans.

All jokes reveal the foibles of others,  if you are not humored,  sorry. Perhaps you should find a safe space...:lol:

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1 hour ago, d'ranger said:

Warbirds "jokes" are always at the expense of others. It's funny to those who hate women and minorities, you know, Republicans.

My "jokes" are mostly sourced from a site located in a "socialist nirvahna" country. It is funny as hell that you are offended by Austrailian humor. Fuck off.

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4 hours ago, SloopJonB said:
6 hours ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

  aEPj46K_460swp.webp

You realize if that was Allah your head would rest uneasily on your shoulders?

This appears to be depicting jesus walking on water... Jesus is the son of God, also know as the son of Allah. The bible is a book of Islam and jesus christ a prophet is Islam. 

I think you meant to reference the prophet Muhammad as it relates to the recent violence in France. 

All of this is of course not funny as it relates to the joke thread and possibly incorrect as I've never been to church or Sunday school. 

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18 hours ago, Major Tom said:

A fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their parents do for a living. All the typical answers came up - mechanic, business, sales, doctor, engineer... and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his parents, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money. It's great!"

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside."Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Republican National Committee and is trying to get Trump re-elected, but it's too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids.”

 

True story!   When the girls were very young, Missus BB used to tell them that Daddy was going off to "make the donuts", as a euphemism for going to work, I was a Real Estate Broker at the time.   When Beryl was 4, I think, and at pre-school daycare at the YMCA, this question came up, and she told the class that here Daddy makes donuts!! 

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1 hour ago, bowman81 said:

This appears to be depicting jesus walking on water... Jesus is the son of God, also know as the son of Allah. The bible is a book of Islam and jesus christ a prophet is Islam. 

I think you meant to reference the prophet Muhammad as it relates to the recent violence in France. 

All of this is of course not funny as it relates to the joke thread and possibly incorrect as I've never been to church or Sunday school. 

Not to far off.

You have the three  religions of Abraham.  The Torah is the old book and it states the prophet hasn't come yet. Then came jesus  and a bunch of jews thought he was the prophet. And thus modern christianity came about, they took parts of the Torah added stuff about jesus and you have the bible.  A few hundred years later Mohammad came about and more jews thought he was the prophet. Jesus was a prophet but not the prophet.  They took parts of the Torah, bible and added bits about Mohammad and thus the Quran was made.

 

The joke is 90% of the followers of all three faiths don't know the history or story of all of them.  Let alone how the various books were made.

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27 minutes ago, peragrin said:

Not to far off.

You have the three  religions of Abraham.  The Torah is the old book and it states the prophet hasn't come yet. Then came jesus  and a bunch of jews thought he was the prophet. And thus modern christianity came about, they took parts of the Torah added stuff about jesus and you have the bible.  A few hundred years later Mohammad came about and more jews thought he was the prophet. Jesus was a prophet but not the prophet.  They took parts of the Torah, bible and added bits about Mohammad and thus the Quran was made.

 

The joke is 90% of the followers of all three faiths don't know the history or story of all of them.  Let alone how the various books were made.

Interesting, i vaguely know the story of Isaac and Ishmael, the two sons of Abraham. One to his wife and one to his slave, although I can never remember which is which. Followers of one became Christians, follows of the other became Muslims. I.wasnt aware of the link of judeism with Abraham. 

 

I guess the main point I was making was that God and Allah are one in the same, just by a different name due to language. 

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14 hours ago, d'ranger said:

Warbirds "jokes" are always at the expense of others. It's funny to those who hate women and minorities, you know, Republicans.

Yeah, and we NEVER see that from the other side, do we?  Honestly, I have my leanings and I try damn hard to keep them out of GA. Wish more of you would do the same

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1 hour ago, bowman81 said:

Interesting, i vaguely know the story of Isaac and Ishmael, the two sons of Abraham. One to his wife and one to his slave, although I can never remember which is which. Followers of one became Christians, follows of the other became Muslims. I.wasnt aware of the link of judeism with Abraham. 

 

I guess the main point I was making was that God and Allah are one in the same, just by a different name due to language. 

Isaac started the line from which the Jews descended. Ishmael is considered the Patriarch of Islam but I don't think he was considered a prophet (Not well versed in Islam)  Isaac was the father of Jacob, who later took the name Israel. From his 12 sons come the twelve tribes of Israel.  I hope that's clear and reasonably accurate

 

Interestingly, Esau was his father's favorite. Abraham was tricked into giving a "blessing" to Isaac believing it was Esau. That blessing was (I think) a greater inheritance although both were very rich by biblical standards

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14 minutes ago, El Boracho said:

Myth Anarchy.

The intersection of joke anarchy and myth anarchy would have to include "Life of Brian" and "Invention of Lying".  Any other contributions anyone can offer?  

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11 hours ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

 

untitled.jpg

aD4xX87_460swp.webp

 

"Je pense effectivement qu'on peut rire de tout, mais pas forcément avec tout le monde  ."   Pierre Desproges

 

Indeed, I think that you can laugh about anything, but not necessarily with everybody.

 

Pierre Desproges was a French humorist, with a VERY caustic sense of humor and a Master at "absurd humor". He hated religion, or any form of power who declared owning the truth.

He was not afraid to make humor on taboo topics, including disiease such as cancer. He said for instance: "Noël au scanner, Pâques au cimetière" loosely translated to: CT Scan at Christmas, cemetery at Easter...

And, yes, he died of lung cancer...

 

 

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