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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for th

One sunny day in late January 2021, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,

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7 hours ago, bmiller said:

You guys could fuck up a train wreck.

 

^^^^^^

If a joke can only be political, it belongs in PA

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So, I was cutting my hair today, using the el-chepo cutters I got for X-Mas many years ago when my wife noticed that I seemed to have to be cutting a lot more hair off the back of my head than the front of my head.

"you used to only have two thin stripes on your upper forehead where you were starting to thin" she said.

"You used to have thin thighs" I said.

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On October 28, 2020 at 7:13 PM, d'ranger said:

It's funny to those who hate women and minorities, you know, Republicans.

 

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6 hours ago, floating dutchman said:

So, I was cutting my hair today, using the el-chepo cutters I got for X-Mas many years ago when my wife noticed that I seemed to have to be cutting a lot more hair off the back of my head than the front of my head.

"you used to only have two thin stripes on your upper forehead where you were starting to thin" she said.

"You used to have thin thighs" I said.

Who brought the computer to your hospital bed?

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2 hours ago, SloopJonB said:
9 hours ago, floating dutchman said:

So, I was cutting my hair today, using the el-chepo cutters I got for X-Mas many years ago when my wife noticed that I seemed to have to be cutting a lot more hair off the back of my head than the front of my head.

"you used to only have two thin stripes on your upper forehead where you were starting to thin" she said.

"You used to have thin thighs" I said.

Who brought the computer to your hospital bed?

My wife did.  She hates the fact that I'm balding but she does like how I got bald.

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5 hours ago, Cruisin Loser said:

 

So I am properly chastised as I should be for broad brushing a group which includes people like CL - someone I can disagree with and respect at the same time. If he ever decides to run for office I will support, campaign and vote for him.

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10 hours ago, d'ranger said:

So I am properly chastised as I should be for broad brushing a group which includes people like CL - someone I can disagree with and respect at the same time. If he ever decides to run for office I will support, campaign and vote for him.

image.png.7d82bdf28a7a17cdebabd5555a133d03.png

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On 11/1/2020 at 12:52 AM, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

a1WnQe8_460swp.webp

Help me out here GMD.....just who is this?

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3 minutes ago, Trovão said:

vlad, the impaler

Of course!!! Thanks!  (Pretty funny, but dark!!)

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1 hour ago, Cruisin Loser said:

My response had nothing to do with the broadness of your brush, and was not meant to chastise. 

It was the paint on that brush that leaves me speechless.  

It was a poorly done response to the jokes that warbird and a few others post here, tainted by my spending too much time in PA and for that I apologize.  I wish I knew more Republicans like you - in closing there was likely alcohol involved in that post. 

edit: I hid that post (no more delete available) and don't know what else I can do at this point.

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You know this theory that women are great at multitasking?  It's nonsense.  I told my wife to sit down and shut up, and she couldn't do either of them, let alone both at the same time.

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6 hours ago, d'ranger said:

It was a poorly done response to the jokes that warbird and a few others post here, tainted by my spending too much time in PA and for that I apologize.  I wish I knew more Republicans like you - in closing there was likely alcohol involved in that post. 

edit: I hid that post (no more delete available) and don't know what else I can do at this point.

I changed two words or three in a joke. I am sorry. Goose-gander thing. Iwill be more carefull in the future.

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After a hiatus since early March, while a Deep Space Station, DSS-43, in Australia was undergoing routine maintenance,
there had been no communication with Voyager II, new in the Kuiper Belt in interstellar space.
DSS-43 is the only antenna large and strong enough to send and retrieve signals to and from Voyagers I and II.
Voyager II's return signal takes 16 hours to reach this earthen antenna. Voyager I's takes 19 hours.
To illustrate how far Voyager II has traveled since its launch in 1977, it is now 11.6 billion miles from Earth and if it survives,
it will reach the nearest star, Proxima Centauri, in approximately 40,000 years.
During this hiatus of lost signals from DSS-43, apparently other signals reached Voyager II.
Our unreliable, yet fascinating sources tell us that a telemarketer robocall contacted the spacecraft back in June, offering extended spacecraft warranty service.
Voyager was told to respond immediately, before the 15 billion mile mark, whereupon the warranty would expire.
Voyager is now awaiting the purchase order from NASA.
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I just started a joke thread in PA> Take your political jokes there, for the LOVE OF GOD!!

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11 minutes ago, Snaggletooth said:

bloweng a turnkeys asse off ist polliticalle?                                :)

It is if you are a turkey!  (I'll save y'all the trouble, yes, I can be a turkey at times!)

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1 hour ago, On The Hard said:

It is if you are a turkey!  (I'll save y'all the trouble, yes, I can be a turkey at times!)

Butt do you eat uncooked popcorn?

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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and

announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

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2 hours ago, Ed Lada said:

I just know that there's a couple of people here that will like this.

 

Ayn Rand.jpg

No question! Great find. Portlandia

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An oldie but goody.  Especially now that I'm old.

 

An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up....

Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone.

The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."

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8 hours ago, SloopJonB said:

"Here lies an old maid, gone but not gotten"

 

Long before we met, Missus BB used to be into rubbing gravestones with artists charcoal on parchment paper...  Here us the one she never forgot...

 

"Here lies the grave of Solomon Peas,

Under the daisies, under the trees, 

Peas is not here, only the pod,

Peas shelled out, went home to God"

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On 10/18/2020 at 10:41 PM, slap said:

Many highways were designed long ago for cars with drum brakes and bias tires.

While that is no doubt true, ponder this fact.  In the last 40 years highway deaths have gone down in the US.  Before everybody gets all excited it isn't because American drivers have improved their driving skills.  it is because of improvements in vehicle safety such as crush zones, shoulder belts, air bags, and decreased amounts of alcohol allowed in the drivers blood and increased enforcement of dunk driving laws.  If anything, there are more drivers now that are more stupid than ever before.

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1 hour ago, Ed Lada said:

While that is no doubt true, ponder this fact.  In the last 40 years highway deaths have gone down in the US.  Before everybody gets all excited it isn't because American drivers have improved their driving skills.  it is because of improvements in vehicle safety such as crush zones, shoulder belts, air bags, and decreased amounts of alcohol allowed in the drivers blood and increased enforcement of dunk driving laws.  If anything, there are more drivers now that are more stupid than ever before.

As cars have gotten better, drivers have gotten worse, for sure.

There are a lot of factors involved in reduced deaths but car design is by far the most significant. Not too long ago I saw a crash test between some modern sedan and a '59 Chevy.

The test was a "frontal offset" hit - the drivers fenders hit head on.

The '59 was totalled and the driver would have been dead - front was crushed back to the windshield, the steering column was through the front seat and so forth.

The modern car was badly damaged but the drivers door still worked and the driver would have walked away.

BITD any accident over about 30 MPH was a fatal, now people walk away at those speeds.

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3 hours ago, Snaggletooth said:
3 hours ago, Ed Lada said:

If anything, there are more drivers now that are more stupid than ever before.

The cars gotte smartere whille driveres gotte dumbere.                             

O.K. so now that I have a car that will accelerate and brake for me in traffic (adaptive cruse control),  Does that mean that I can double the amount of alcohol in my system when I drive?  Think about it, I'm only doing 1/2 the driving so that should mean I can be twice as drunk and still be as safe!

Asking for a friend of course.

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52 minutes ago, SloopJonB said:

Still can't drink but you can catch a nap or read a book on the highway now.

 

You can't drive?? Did you come down with Covid-19, while we were not paying attention, on vacation, in S. Carolina???

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Thanks for posting that.  As much as I joke about being able to drink more because my car is doing part of the driving, I have noticed this effect.

I do pay less attention when in traffic on cruise control, there is less for me to do so I tend to look out the side window at the view, and in other ways become a bit complacent.   I'd easily imagine that with more automation the mind would wonder more.

Do these types of automation / Safety features actually make cars safer?

 

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2 hours ago, Black Sox said:

I don't see it in the picture, but I'm sure that, somewhere on the box, it says...

 

"Made in China"

wouldn't that be the other candidate?

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6 minutes ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:
2 hours ago, Max Rockatansky said:

You fuckin’ cocksuckers have a whole goddamned FORUM for your political shit. Fuck you for ruining this thread.

what's political about it?  sore loser..

I thick MR ist sayeng thet 'cockesuckeng' mabey a polliticalle acte, 'tryning to currey faviore' or somtheng ealse......    notte siurre...............               :)

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improve a words meaning by altering one letter of its spelling....

 

Image may contain: one or more people, text and outdoor

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How things work in Africa

 

 

 Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in  
 South Africa.                                                          
                                                                            
 The Mayor of the South African town visited the Spanish town. When he saw  
 the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how he     
 could afford such a house. The Spaniard said; "You see that bridge over    
 there? The EU gave us a grant to build a four-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".                                                                    
                                                                            
 The following year the Spaniard visited the South African town. He was     
 simply amazed at the South African Mayor's house- gold taps, marble        
 floors, it was marvellous. When he asked how this could be afforded the    
 South African said; "You see that bridge over there?"                      
                                                                            
 The Spaniard replied; "No?"

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Two friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them:

“Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn’t turn up.”

“Sure.” They said. “You’re welcome.”  So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Partway around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer. “What do you do for a living?”

He replied, “I’m a hitman.”

“You’re joking!” was the response.

“No, I’m not,” reaching into his golf bag and pulling out a beautiful sniper’s rifle with a large telescopic sight.  “Here are my tools.”

“That’s a beautiful telescopic sight,” said the other friend.  “Can I take a look? Think I might be able to see my house from here.”

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. 

“Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she’s naked! What’s that? Wait a minute, that’s my neighbor in there with her. He’s naked as well! The bitch!”

He turned to the hitman. “How much do you charge for a hit?”

“I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.”

“Can you do two for me now?”

“Sure, what do you want?”

“First my wife, she’s always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he’s a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.”

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

“Are you going to do it or not?” asked the friend impatiently.

“Just be patient and wait a moment,” said the hitman calmly. “I think I can save you a thousand dollars here.”

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A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
 

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On 12/11/2018 at 12:58 PM, warbird said:

A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie.
When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture.

The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porn film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porn theatre to see the adult movie.
With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row of the adult cinema, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.

The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M, bondage and even a dog.
After a while watching the adult movie, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."

One more time...

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Reminds me of a joke a friend told.

A man was asking how one could describe the Russian national character.

His friend said "They're like Germans - but without the sense of humour".

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